"Together they built a life they loved" :)

It only took us 2.5 years of living here to get the pictures hung...!!
(Although I only got the one on the left earlier this year --
as I wrote on my blog, here. ;)  )

#MicroblogMondays: Duh...

Last week, seeking a return to some semblance of "normal" after being absorbed with FIL's escalating illness and then funeral, dh & I headed to a nearby mall, as we often do in an effort to get out of the house & get some exercise (not to mention -- at least in MY case, lol -- indulge in some retail therapy...!).  It felt like quite a while since the last time we'd been there -- but it didn't take us long to realize something was... different.

Now, one of the perqs of being retired is being able to do things like going to the mall at off-peak times -- and a midweek morning is usually that -- but the parking lot seemed a lot fuller than usual -- and, we soon realized, there were a lot more people wandering around too -- many (most?) of them with kids in tow. We usually split up and then meet in the food court around 11:30-45 for lunch (before the noon-hour rush begins), but by 11:20, dh was texting me, "Waiting in food court. Already PACKED." 

It eventually dawned on us that it was late August -- and these people (a) had ALSO suddenly realized it was late August -- and were trying to cram in all the activities with their kids that they hadn't done in all the previous weeks of summer, &/or (b) were engaged in some frantic back-to-school shopping. 

Not having any kids, of course (and having attended my last day of school almost 35 years ago now),  things like back-to-school shopping are only a hazy memory, and something we're only reminded of when we stumble upon it, as we did last week, or when friends with kids mention it on Facebook. (I don't know why we're always so taken by surprise by stuff like this, but we are.)  I used to be somewhat more aware -- I used to note the first day of school and what grade Katie would be entering in my datebook every year, but stopped doing so once she would have graduated from high school and started attending university or college. (For the record, she'd now be entering her THIRD year of university/college -- assuming (and both of us do, lol) that she went.) 

Needless to say, it was a shorter visit than usual. ;) Looking forward to a little more than a week from now (school starts the day after the Labour Day long weekend hereabouts) when the malls will (hopefully??) be a lot emptier and quieter, and the avalanche of back to school photos & posts in my social media feeds will slow to a trickle...!

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  

Aftermath

• Thank you for your condolences and kinds words on the death of my father-in-law... really, for all your support over these past several difficult months. I did a lot of venting on this blog.  Thank you for your patience in hearing/reading me out! :)   
• The funeral went as well as funerals generally go... 
• FIL looked pretty bad at the end -- painfully thin & gaunt -- but he looked better than we expected after the funeral home worked its magic, so we decided to leave the casket open (as is generally the tradition in dh's family). 
• We were overwhelmed by the number of people who turned out to pay their respects to FIL at the visitation (two hours in the afternoon and three hours later the same evening).  There were FIL's brother & sisters & their families, dh's mother's relatives, stepMIL's relatives & neighbours, BIL & SIL's neighbours and their friends from work & church, our nephews' inlaws & friends, friends from FIL & stepMIL's social club, "paisan" who had known FIL from Italy...
• Dh counted the number of entries in the guest book later... 267. That's ENTRIES/lines/signatures -- not people. Many of those entries were for two or more people. We figure 400 people would not be an exaggeration, possibly more. About 100 attended the actual funeral the following day.  
• (I couldn't help but think of Katie's small funeral, almost 20 years to the day earlier. We deliberately kept it to immediate family only, as I didn't think I could deal with others' grief on top of my own. Still...)
• (I also couldn't help but think -- not for the first time -- that my own funeral is going to be MUCH smaller too. Maybe not quite as small as Katie's, but...) 
• My cousin & his wife, who live on the other side of the city from me (and still a good 30-45 minute drive from the funeral home), were among those who came. They were the only people there specifically because of their relationship to ME, and I got genuinely teary when I saw them making their way up the aisle through the crowd towards us. 
• The visitation, funeral service (conducted by a Catholic priest, although mass was not served, since it was not a church) and burial all took place at the cemetery, in its funeral centre. After the service, most of us walked over to the burial site. It was a very hot, humid day, but there were trees to shade part of the way, and a bit of a breeze. Many people commented to us what a nice thing it was to do. We agreed. 
• Afterwards, we went back to the funeral centre for a reception/lunch. This is NOT something dh's family usually do, but I am very glad we did it. BIL raised a glass and toasted his dad, saying, "He probably wouldn't have eaten anything here [FIL was a notoriously picky eater!]... but he would have loved the company!"  :)  (Yes, he would have!) 
• Some members of the family are dealing with their grief better than others... we are trying to be patient with them. I keep thinking about what dh & I learned about grief through our support group, and also about what Lesley Pyne had to say about it in her book -- namely that you have to face your grief and deal with it, eventually. You can't just keep stuffing your grief into a box and trying to sit on the lid; eventually, the lid is going to pop open and the grief is going to spill out, possibly in unexpected and maybe even harmful ways. 
• Dh is feeling a bit at loose ends, I think... since he lost his job & then retired, five years ago, he made a point of going to see his father once a week or so by himself, in addition to our visits with BIL & SIL every other weekend or so... and those visits became more frequent as it became clear the end was coming sooner vs later. Suddenly, he has a lot more free time on his hands. 
• Dh & I are making plans to head west to see my family in about a month's time.  I may have missed out on our usual summer visit -- sitting on the patio, going to watch the Little Princesses at the swimming pool, Dad's fresh garden vegetables -- but as consolation, I will get to go see Paul McCartney in concert with my sister, and eat my mom's amazing turkey, gravy & stuffing for (Canadian) Thanksgiving. :)  

#MicroblogMonday: Of coffee cups & caskets

33 years ago in July, we returned from our honeymoon to our newly rented midtown apartment, and on Monday morning, dh went off to work (I had yet to find myself a job in my new city). I was surprised when the buzzer rang and my new father-in-law appeared at the door. He wouldn't stay -- but he handed me a bag containing an espresso pot, six espresso cups (with saucers and spoons), a can of espresso coffee and a couple of packages of ladyfinger cookies (great for dunking). I still have those cups -- albeit one is chipped and I use it as a teabag holder, lol.

FIL loved his espresso coffee and continued drinking it almost until the very end (even after he'd mostly stopped eating) -- so when we were trying to think of something to put with him in his casket, an espresso cup was a logical choice. We buried him last week with one of the cups and saucers he'd given us, along with a small espresso pot and a pack of his favourite brand of cigarettes.

We will miss you, Dad. ❤️❤️❤️

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.

One of six espresso cups & saucers FIL delivered to our door
one July morning, 33 years ago.
"We brought you your coffee, Dad," SIL whispered with a smile
as she tucked it into the casket beside him at the funeral home last week.  

"Crazy Rich Asians" by Kevin Kwan

I've written before about the deja vu I've been experiencing lately -- the almost eerie parallels between the events of this summer and that awful one of 20 years ago.  We lost Katie on August 7, 1998 and interred her ashes that August 19th;  her grandfather died on August 9, 2018, and we laid him to rest with dh's mother/Katie's nonna on August 16th.

After losing Katie, I was desperate for distraction, and picked up "Bridget Jones's Diary" by Helen Fielding. It was the perfect, light-hearted tonic I needed -- it made me laugh at a time when I wondered whether I would ever laugh again -- & I still think of it fondly.

Fast-forward 20 years, and my current light-hearted distraction: "Crazy Rich Asians" by Kevin Kwan. Once again, I was looking for something fun & frivolous to read as FIL entered the palliative care ward and then passed away shortly afterward. Also, like Mel at Stirrup Queens, I knew the movie was being released this weekend, and wanted to read the book before I went to the theatre. (I finished the book last night and we saw the movie this afternoon -- see below.)(Plus, the paperback was on sale at the local mega-bookstore.)

"Crazy Rich Asians" will never be mistaken for high-minded literature, but it does keep you turning the pages. It's a satirical romp through the world of the ultra-rich residents of Singapore, as seen through the eyes of Rachel Chu, a California-raised economics professor now living in New York City. Rachel agrees to spend her summer with her boyfriend Nick in Asia, kicking things off by heading to Singapore for Nick's best friend's wedding. Little does she realize that her history professor boyfriend is from one of the wealthiest and most socially prominent families in Asia, and the most eligible bachelor on the island...!

I enjoyed learning more about Singapore, its history and culture through the pages of this book. I enjoyed seeing it all through Rachel's middle-class American eyes, and I got a kick out of her feisty Singaporean friend, Goh Peik Lin.  (Spoiler alert!) I enjoyed seeing certain characters get their well-deserved come-uppance in the end.

But I will admit that, even though I realize the book is a satire, the characters' snobbery and obsession with money and what it can buy was somewhat offputting. This is SO not me and the way I was brought up or live now (although I currently LIVE among Crazy Rich Asians -- except they're not Asians & not QUITE so fabulously rich as the people in the book. Nevertheless, the obsession with money (and food!) and doing things in a certain way -- having the perfectly designed house, wearing designer labels, driving certain kinds of cars, throwing big, splashy weddings -- it all sounds very, very familiar...!)

(Case in point: when we first moved here, dh & I were at the movie theatre, enduring the parade of ads that appear before the coming attractions and then, finally, the movie... and I whispered to dh, "Have you noticed that all the car ads back in Old Community were for Ford and Nissan and Toyota, and all the ones here are for Lexus and BMW and Audi??")

I am not sure I will regard "Crazy Rich Asians" with quite the same affection I have for "Bridget Jones's Diary" -- I could relate to Bridget and her world far more than Nick's relatives, even the nicer ones -- but it was a fun read and a pleasant diversion. There are already not just one but two sequels (both also on sale right now at the local mega-bookstore... I think I will be picking them up the next time I'm there, although I'm not sure I'll be rushing to read them right away).

I gave it 3 stars on Goodreads (perhaps even stretching it to a 3.5 :)  ).

This was book #17 that I've read so far in 2018, bringing me to 71% of my 2018 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 24 books.  I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 2 books ahead of schedule to meet my goal!  :)

*** *** *** 

With the book fresh in my mind (I finished it last night!), dh & I went to a matinee showing of the movie version of "Crazy Rich Asians" this afternoon. The movie has been well reviewed with a lot of buzz, particularly since it's the first Asian-focused movie with an all-Asian cast made by Hollywood since "The Joy Luck Club," 25 years ago. (A few possible spoilers below!)

I enjoyed the movie hugely, perhaps even more so than the book.  While I think reading the book first gave me a leg up in terms of recognizing the characters and following the subplots, dh enjoyed it a lot too. There are ostentatious displays of wealth, of course, but somehow, for some reason, seeing them onscreen didn't bother me as much as reading about them (more showing vs telling -- not as many labels tossed conspicuously around?).  Constance Wu is endearing as Rachel, and Awkwafina (never heard of her before "Ocean's 8") steals every scene she is in as Rachel's friend Peik Lin -- and her role (and that of her family) has been expanded from the book.

The movie was pretty faithful to the book -- right up until the last several minutes, which are quite different. There's a mah-jongg game between Rachel and Nick's formidable mother, Eleanor -- which apparently is even more significant if you actually understand mah-jongg. (I don't, but I hugely appreciated this article explaining exactly what was going on).  And while the book's ending is ambiguous but hopeful regarding Rachel & Nick's future, the movie ending is more emphatically happy/Hollywood/fairytale (surprise!).

There's a brief scene amid the closing credits where Nick's cousin Astrid exchanges significant looks with a man at a party. The young girls in the audience all squealed in delight -- I couldn't figure out why. I thought maybe he was some hot Asian actor I'd never heard of -- and apparently he appeared on "Glee" (which I watched only sporadically during its first few seasons)?  I didn't clue in just then, but apparently he was supposed to be Charlie Wu, Astrid's first love, who plays a significant role in the book (that was cut from the movie).  Supposedly this bodes well for a movie sequel. Guess I'd better get reading those two book sequels, then...!  ;)

Love you, Dad

My wonderful FIL went into palliative care on Wednesday morning and passed away on Thursday night, 20 years and two days after his only granddaughter was stillborn. :(   He was 89.

We thought he might put up a fuss about going to the hospital, but apparently he said, "Yeah, maybe it's time to go see the doctor..." (!). (He did start asking, after a few hours, when he was going home again.)

We went to see him on Wednesday night and again Thursday afternoon. He opened his eyes once while we were there, but was mostly asleep/out of it and did not speak. The doctor told us he didn't think he'd make it to Monday -- but we didn't expect him to go THAT fast. Two of dh's cousins were there to see him and called BIL to tell him FIL was gone. They told us he went peacefully.

FIL came of age in the ruins of post-WWII Italy, and came to Toronto in the 1950s in search of work and a better life. He spent the next 30 years working as a bricklayer and contractor, as the city grew and flourished. (Driving around the city, he would often point out the many buildings and housing developments he'd worked on to us.) He lived in a house owned by his cousin, who'd arrived in Canada a few years earlier, with a dozen other Italian immigrant relatives (and one bathroom), until he'd saved up enough money to buy his own a house a few years later (and then welcomed other family members to live with them until they too could afford their own house).

Like other Italian immigrants of the time, he & his relatives were viewed with suspicion by the citizens of the conservative, WASP-dominated Toronto of the time. They did not speak English; they were Catholic; their food smelled funny; they drank a lot of wine (which they made themselves). They were harassed by the police; their employers used them as cheap labour and took advantage of them. (Hmmm, why does this all sound familiar...??) Their children have their own stories to tell:  growing up in the 1960s & 70s (in the era of "The Godfather"), dh was subjected to ethnic slurs at school;  my SIL remembers throwing away the panini lunch her mother had made her when she got to school, because the other kids made fun of her for it (it wasn't Wonderbread!). (Of course, paninis are sold everywhere these days in cafes for ridiculous prices...!)

They persevered, and their families flourished. Everything we have today, we have because of FIL.

He was a small man, shorter than me, and wiry, but he had a huge heart and a personality to match.  He was kind and generous (the first time I met him, he handed me a $50 bill -- a small fortune for a poor student in 1983 -- and told me to buy myself a cup of coffee). He had a wonderful smile. He was Italian, but as the French say, he had a "joie de vivre" -- an exuberance, a zest for life. He loved to sing -- loudly! (he sang to us a little as he lay in bed at home, near the end, which made tears spring to my eyes) -- and would embarrass his sons by getting up & singing with the band at weddings when they were growing up.  He loved his garden (which he only gave up about two summers ago) and his espresso coffee, which he still drank until almost the very end, even when he'd lost his appetite for food. He loved his family, especially his grandsons, and got a huge kick out of watching them grow taller and taller until they towered over him.

Ti amo, Dad. We will miss you. Give Katie a hug from me.

BIL, FIL & dh, taking a walk while at Older Nephew's engagement party.
August 2014. 

Thank you

Thank you for your kind messages on Katie's day earlier this week. As usual, the anticipation of the day was worse than the actual day itself.

Dh & I drove to the cemetery that morning... only to find a work crew digging around in the flower beds RIGHT BESIDE the wall structure where her niche is. Talk about bad timing!! So instead of the leisurely visit and walkaround, and freeflow of tears I had anticipated, we only stayed a few minutes, whispering to each other the whole while -- long enough to change the niche decorations & leave the flowers I had brought. (Pink roses -- from the supermarket, but the girl at the floral counter arranged & wrapped them up beautifully, with a tulle ribbon, without me even asking.  I also found and bought a lovely butterfly ornament there that I left hanging from the niche vase holder.)

After leaving the cemetery, we drove to a nearby cafe where we used to have lunch sometimes, when we lived in the area, and had chicken caesar wraps. Then over to the local outlet of the mega-bookstore (which, IMHO, is bigger and much better stocked than the one where we now live) for a browse. Then dh insisted on going BACK to the cemetery before we headed home. The moment had passed, so no outpouring of tears, but we were able to take our time, and take a few photos, before we left.

We were both exhausted & went to bed early. I felt a bit guilty, like I hadn't done enough for her -- I didn't even take out her box of things and go through them, as I often do at this time of year -- but hey, we do what we can...

(On a somewhat related note: FIL's condition is rapidly deteriorating. We've been doing a lot of driving back & forth across the city over the last few days to be with him. Please keep FIL in your thoughts & prayers, if you pray.  Many thanks.)