Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Eleven years

Eleven years ago today -- which was also a Wednesday -- the road I was travelling on -- toward the family we had waited so long for, we thought -- took another surprising turn. Six months pregnant, I went to my ob-gyn's for my monthly checkup, only to learn that my baby girl's heart had stopped beating.

Two days later, I went to the hospital to be induced, but learned I was already in labour. I delivered my tiny daughter -- our first and only child -- later that evening. The photo here is one of the six Polaroids (now scanned) the nurses took that night. (Combing my hair was obviously not a priority at that monent.)

I'm at home this week. The "anniversary" dates were one reason why I decided to extend my vacation for a third week, particularly when I realized the dates fell on Wednesday & Friday again. Some years, I am OK & hardly even cry at all. Other years, I'm not. The problem being that I never know exactly how I will feel until the day arrives. So if August 5th &/or 7th don't fall on a weekend, I will usually try to take at least one of those days off. (If it's not possible, I slog through as best I can.)

Last year, being that milestone 10 year mark, was very difficult. I retold the entire story of my pregnancy from start to finish on my blog in minute detail (you can find those posts under "1998 memories" in the "Labels" section in the sidebar at right), and felt like I was reliving it all as I wrote.

This year will be different, I think. (I hope.) It was actually a bit of a shock to return home from vacationing at my parents' & realize with a start, "Eeek, it's this week!" I knew it was coming, of course, but it kind of crept up on me -- especially being on vacation the past two weeks & having only a hazy idea of exactly what day it was.

I am actually heading out to lunch today with a friend/retired coworker -- whose birthday is also August 7th (and who is also childless, although she is a stepmother & grandmother via her ex-husband and current longtime partner). She's been a big support to me over the years when it comes to Katie, so if I want to talk about my daughter at all, I know she'll be up for it.

Friday after dh gets home from work, he & I will visit the cemetery with some pink roses, & then order in Chinese food for dinner, as is our tradition. And so long as I have some time on one of these two days to go through Katie's box of things & spend some "quality time" thinking about her, I think I will be OK. After all, she is with me, and I think of her (and miss her), every single day.

By most measures, I have a good life today, on this road less travelled. But I can't help but think and wonder about the life I might have had with my little girl, on the road that ended so abruptly in August 1998. :(

28 comments:

  1. Thinking of the three of you and sending love, light and kisses.

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  2. You and Katie are close to my heart today.

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  3. Lori, thinking of you this week, esp. today and Friday. I'm glad you have that picture of the three of you.

    (((Hugs)))

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  4. Holding you and your DH and Katie in my heart today, and wishing you continued healing and much peace.

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  5. Sending lots of love to you, your husband, and Katie on this day.

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  6. Oh, Loribeth. My heart breaks seeing that photograph of the three of you. Much love to you. XO.

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  7. *hugs* You and your dh are in my thoughts.

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  8. (((hugs))) to you today and always Loribeth.

    I can only think that marking the 10th anniversary of all your time with Katie has helped you to heal. I know her story touched me deeply.

    I hope this year is full of peace and love.

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  9. I've been thinking about you & Katie a lot. I'm so sorry she's not here. xo

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  10. Thinking of you all. Hoping you have the time to do exactly what feels right to you.

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  11. I have thought of you all week. Take care and I hope your day is peaceful.

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  12. Missing Katie with you, Loribeth. ((Hugs))

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  13. I've been thinking of you and your Katie.

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  14. Abiding with you - will put Katie in my prayers. I'm glad you have that picture.

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  15. Just back from vacation today but wanted to stop by to tell you I am thinking of you and your sweet Katie. I am so sorry these 11 years have been a journey through parenting like nothing you ever imagined. You and Katie both deserved so much more.
    xxoo

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  16. I am thinking of you all this week.

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  17. I'm thinking of you a lot right now. And Katie, and your DH.

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  18. Oh Sweetie {{{hugs}}}

    I've just got back from vacation, but have been thinking about you and your sweet Katie all week.

    Even though I have heard this story before, I always cry.

    Here. (and always remembering)

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  19. Thinking of you this week, Loribeth.

    The picture of the three of you, and above the Christening gown . . . it's all so heartbreaking and beautiful.

    Remembering sweet Katie. Holding you all in my heart.

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  20. My heart breaks for you, Loribeth.
    I'm thinking of you mightily. ((hugs))

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  21. Thinking of both of you and your little girl. Sending prayers and {{{hugs}}}

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  22. Here from Gil's blog. I am so sorry for your loss.

    And I am thinking of you and Katie.

    xxx

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  23. Sorry I am late to this, but thinking of you and Katie!

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