#MicroblogMondays: A "monstrosity" of a dilemma

Author Roxane Gay offers advice on the office, money, careers and work-life balance in the New York Times "Work Friend" column -- and this week's column included a doozy. 

The scenario: the writer (gender unspecified, but many commenters assumed it was a woman), was irritated by a proud dad co-worker's baby photos displayed in their shared workspace. (The term used was "giant photos of a baby-acne-mottled monstrosity sitting on my desk.")(!!) Whenever it was their turn to be in the office, they would put the photos in a drawer, and then leave them there. The dad would put them up again when he was in the office... lather, rinse, repeat... 

When confronted by the dad (in a good-natured way) -- at an office party, no less! -- the writer lied -- and claimed they found it difficult to look at the baby photos because they were infertile (!).  Now they find themselves the object of office sympathy (!), with other infertile coworkers wanting to comiserate.    

Gay was clearly flummoxed:  "I don’t know how you get yourself out of the hole you’ve dug for yourself. This is mighty awkward," she says.  No kidding!  

The reader comments are just as interesting and thought-provoking as the letter itself.  (Beware if you click over to read them, though!) I did not read them all (there were more than 1,000 as I write this -- although there were other letters being addressed as well as this one) -- but I read a lot!  Here are some of the things people were saying (paraphrased, not direct quotes):  

On the one hand:   

• This is petty and unnecessary drama. 
• This is an insane overreaction on the writer's part. 
• Why not just put the photos back up at the end of the day? 
• Why didn't she just tell the truth, instead of making up a story? 
• Why are we becoming so selfish?
• Anyone who makes those kinds of comments about an innocent baby is odd.  
• I didn't know so many people hated babies. I despair for humanity. 
• Most people take pleasure in other people's babies -- this person has issues.
• She needs professional help.  
• She should be fired for harassment/inappropriate behaviour. 
• Maybe the new dad isn't getting enough sleep to be rational?  [lol]
• I'm just glad I'm retired. [lol] 

On the other hand: 

• This is hilarious. 
• This is like something out of a "Seinfeld" episode. 
• Why did the dad confront her in front of their coworkers (even in a joking way)? 
• The writer escalated the situation unnecessarily -- but so did the dad for refusing to take a hint and then calling them out in front of all their colleagues at a work function.  
• Parents should realize that not everyone likes babies. 
• Not liking children is one of the world's last remaining taboos. It's not a crime. 
• The writer's attitude toward babies is not relevant/not what's at issue here. 
• It's a shared workspace: personal items should be kept to a minimum (if they're allowed at all), and removed/stored at the end of the day.  
• The writer is under no obligation to discuss her fertility further with others in the office. 
• As long as her coworkers don't start a GoFundMe for fertility treatments for her, she should just tell them she doesn't want to talk about it, if they bring it up.  
• The writer may have lied, but they inadvertently did a huge favor for all those of us who are actually infertile and have to deal with baby pictures at work, etc., by reminding their coworkers how hurtful something like this can be.  

My thoughts:  "Baby-acne-mottled monstrosity" does seem a bit harsh...! (I was startled when, 20+ years ago, I first started looking for resources on living with children, and stumbled onto some childfree-by-choice message boards with disdainful discussions of "breeders," "sprogs," "crotchfruit" and the like...!)  But I agree that it's not a crime not to like children. The writer obviously knew that their aversion to babies was not socially acceptable, though --  hence, the spur-of-the-moment lie about infertility, which they knew would probably elicit more sympathy and put an end to the debate over removing photos. 

As someone who IS infertile, I have mixed feelings about that. Why anyone who is NOT truly infertile would want to claim that label is beyond me (hence my personal dislike of the term "social infertility," which describes people who don't have kids simply because they haven't met the right partner yet, or didn't meet them in time). And I wonder if people pretending to be infertile might make it less likely that others will believe or take seriously or sympathize with those of us who truly do have issues. 

Ultimately, I agree with the many commenters who felt that, in a shared workspace, photos and other personal items should be removed/stored at the end of the workday. And that the writer's in/fertility and feelings about children are nobody's business, and she should just tell her coworkers, however well-meaning, that she does not want to discuss the issue further. 

(Tangentially related side note: Towards the end of my working life, we had an administration manager who instituted a strict "clean desk" policy. Personal items weren't mentioned, but because we dealt with a lot of confidential material, the (logical) decree came down that all files and work materials had to be locked up at the end of the day, and all computers logged off. Many people already did this, of course -- but it was not unusual to see stacks of files sitting out and papers spread out on someone's desk. I didn't think my staff magazine story about the company's United Way campaign was particularly confidential, but I started dutifully clearing my desk at night, locking the drawers and hiding the key. I came into the office early one morning and saw this manager, walking around and testing people's file drawers to see whether they were locked. If they weren't, she deliberately left the drawer wide open. I'm not sure what, if anything, happened to the unlucky employees who forgot to lock up the night before...!)  

Thoughts?? 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.