Anyone out there??

According to Melissa, it's International Blog Delurking Week. : ) I already feel like mine has been under way, since putting out the call for additions to my blogroll. : )

Step out of the shadows & say hello! : )

Sad story in the news

GTA's first baby of 2012 dies

Even sadder, many of the commenters are taking the parents to task for not taking the baby to the dr sooner. :(

Closure: The Rush to End Grief and What it Costs Us by Nancy Berns

This book had me at hello, lol.

You may recall I first learned about it in a newspaper article that I saw & posted about a few weeks ago. Being a topic near & dear to my heart, I rushed to order the book and took it home for holiday reading.

By coincidence, Beef Princess had also just bought & read the book, and left me a comment to that effect. I agree with her assessment: "academic in nature but fascinating." The book is extremely well researched -- full of examples, data and footnotes -- but that does not mean it's a dry or difficult read.

The author, Nancy Berns, is an Associate Professor of Sociology at Drake University in Des Moines, Iowa, who teaches and researches in the areas of grief, death, violence, justice and social constructionism. She is also (are you surprised?) the bereaved mother of a stillborn son -- something she addresses on the first page of the book -- and her loss has obviously informed her work.

While it addressed the topic of closure in ways that I would expect as a bereaved parent (the pressure we feel from others to "move on" with our lives, for example), the book was also a huge eye opener for me with regard to how many different ways the concept of closure is being applied in our world today -- and how many different parties are seeking to profit from it (financially, politically and otherwise). I consider myself fairly well read & knowledgeable when it comes to grief issues, but I had many "aha!" moments as I read this book. It made me think, and consider familiar topics and issues in entirely new ways.

I particularly liked Berns's introduction of the concept of "feeling rules" -- which, she explains on page 4,

"...are informal guidelines that tell us how we should react to certain situations. Societies and institutions have different feeling rules, and these rules change, with consequences for the people who are expected to meet them. Furthermore, when one set of feeling rules becomes dominant in a culture, it makes it difficult for us to imagine other ways of handling a situation. Closure represents a new set of feeling rules and expectations for people.

"...the way we name and describe experiences has consequences. "Closure" is not some naturally occurring emotion that we can simply "find" with the right advice. Rather, closure is a made-up concept: a frame used to explain how we should respond to loss." [emphasis mine]

Chapter 1, Seeking Closure, introduces the concept of closure and sets out the concepts and structure for the pages that follow. Berns shows that "closure" is a relatively new term that rose to prominence in the 1990s (think about it -- did our grandparents talk about seeking closure after Pearl Harbour?). But while it's become ubiquitous in our society to seek "closure" after a traumatic event (which could include not only the death of a loved one but the loss of a pet, a divorce, adoption, natural disaster, murder, etc.) there is no specific, agreed-upon definition of what exactly closure is or how it can be achieved -- and the impact that this new concept is having on our society is not yet well understood.

Chapter 2, Closure and its Tangled Meanings, uses the recent example of the Caylee Anthony murder trial as a springboard for a discussion about the many different ways "closure" can be interpreted. Berns identifies six: closing a chapter, remembering, forgetting, getting even, knowing, and confessing or forgiving. All six definitions imply that closure exists, and that closure is possible, good, desired and necessary. This statement (from pages 28 & 29) really resonated with me:

"Closure encourages the idea that grief is bad and therefore something that needs to end. These assumptions, and the larger narratives that carry them, build feeling rules for how we are supposed to respond when bad things happen... When the feeling rules fail, or do not produce the emotions promised, individuals may experience... a disconnect between what they feel and what they think they should feel."

Chapter 3 explores research on grief and bereavement, including whether there is a roadmap or standard process and timetable for grief, the medicalization of grief, what's considered "normal" and what's not, and ambiguous loss and disenfranchised grief (concepts that will be familiar to the ALI community). It also introduces the Walking Wounded (people who want closure, but say they can't find it) and the Myth Slayers(those who don't believe closure exists). (Guess which camp I fall in.)

Chapter 4, From Embalming to Teddy Bear Urns, examines the death care industry and how it uses closure to promote "proper" and "dignified" ways to care for and remember our loved ones. (Bury or cremate? Embalm & view or not? Scatter ashes, keep them, or make them into jewellery? The choices are dizzying, and each has an advocate.)

Similarly, Chapter 5, The Assurance Business, discusses how lawyers, private investigators, psychics, medical consultants, DNA testing facilities and forensic pathologists are using the idea of closure to generate more business. Berns argues that it's understandable to want answers, but points out that the search for answers often just leads to more questions -- and not necessarily closure.

"We can survive a loss even when there are some questions that remains," she writes on page 100.

"We can find peace (even if not complete) and healing (even if pain lingers, which it does) , without having all the answers. And even the answers we receive may carry lingering doubt. The trick may not be finding all the answers, but learning to live with some questions."

(I love that passage.)

Chapter 6, Bury the Jerk [!], discusses how businesses have sprung up to offer mock vengeance and symbolic death as routes to achieve closure after the end of a bad relationship (think divorce parties & all the trappings, including cakes, games, and ring smashing ceremonies).

Chapter 7, Should You Watch an Execution or Forgive a Murderer? explores how the concept of closure has come to play a major role in death penalty politics, and whether vengeance or forgiveness is the best route to closure in these cases. Berns illustrates her points through the moving story of Brooks Douglass, who witnessed the murder of his parents in 1979 and spent almost 20 years fighting to bring the killers to justice, and for the right to witness their execution. It's a story with many unexpected twists and turns, and I found it absolutely fascinating.

Chapter 8, Forgetting versus Remembering, explores the politics of mourning, "sacred space" and public memory, including public memorials, such as roadside crosses and Ground Zero in New York City. It also includes a discussion about abortion. It poses the question, "whose life is worthy of memory and how."

The final chapter, Framing Grief beyond Closure, suggests other ways we can think about grief beyond the frame of closure.

"The concept of closure taps into a desire to have things ordered and simple, but experiences with loss and grief are typically messy, complicated, and not easily resolved. Still, we long for peace, order, and resolution. The appeal of closure rests in large part on the hope that pain will lessen and healing will come. Yes, of course we long for healing, and we should seek it. But healing can come without closure. Even if you do not want to give up the subject of closure, at least know that it is subjective and and may take a long time to "find" and that no one particular ritual, product, service, or politician's promise can guarantee closure." (page 162)

I really can't say enough good things about this book. Berns has done all of us a huge favour in shedding a bright light on this subject, and making us THINK about a term that is broadly used but not very well understood. Grief touches us all, eventually, in some way, and while this book's messages are highly relevant to the ALI community, it's safe to predict that many others around us will eventually be faced with pressure to apply the concept of closure in their own lives -- and may well think differently about it then. We'll see...!

Berns has a website, which includes links to the first chapter of her book and a blog, as well as a blog on Psychology Today with similar content. She recently wrote a thoughtful piece, published on both blogs and highly relevant to the ALI community, about the Santorum and Duggar families -- how they chose to mourn the loss of their children, public reaction, and what it says about our society. If, like me, you were appalled by the way these families (&, by extension, my own and possibly yours as well) were treated because of how they chose to mourn their babies -- regardless of how you feel about their political &/or religious beliefs -- you may want to check it out!

If you read the book, I would love to hear your thoughts about it!

So why aren't there more of us?

I don't mean why aren't there more of us choosing the childless/free after infertility & loss option. Any of us who are in this position can understand why. After all, it wasn't our first choice either, & nobody knows more than we do just how difficult a choice that can be (if we feel it was even a true choice to begin with). The decision not to have children -- for whatever reason(s) -- is extremely personal and complex, and not well understood by others in our highly pronatalist society -- even within our own ALI community where -- we know -- we are some people's worst nightmare come true. It's extremely difficult to go against societal norms, not to mention our own biological impulses. For all the positive and wonderful advantages of childless/free living (& there are many), it can be a lonely place to be sometimes.

My question is, why aren't there more of us who write & speak out about our experiences, on blogs or message boards, in books and in public?

Granted, there are more & more of us doing so all the time -- witness the number of blogs listed in my childless/free blogroll (accumulated over several years), & the number of responses to my post asking for more. There have been several great books published on this subject just in the last few years alone (hello, Pamela & Lisa!).

But in the 10+ years since we stopped infertility treatments, I've found lots of message boards, blogs and websites dedicated to childless/free not by choice living. Very few of them are well used. Many tend to peter out after awhile.

I have a few theories:

• People just get on with the "living" part of the equation after the initial adjustment period is over (on the flip side, lots of infertility blogs tend to peter out after the baby finally arrives too).
• Let's face it, infertility blogs are event & drama driven -- the next cycle, the next round of infertility drugs, what protocol to use, the big hpt results, whether to use donor eggs or a surrogate, whether to adopt... living childless/free is... well, just LIVING. The focus becomes our life generally, not specifically the pursuit of a baby. There's the occasional angst when life slaps us in the face with baby showers & cruel comments from unthinking friends and relatives, etc. -- but for the most part, there isn't a lot of ALI-relevant drama to report.
• Having made the decision to live without children, they want to get on with the business of living and not think about ALI matters or angst anymore. That doesn't mean they don't have it, at least occasionally, but they don't want to be reminded of it or dwell on it anymore (just as some people who have been through loss &/or infertility seem to forget everything they've been through once they finally become parents).
• They find that childless/free living is so busy & fulfilling, they don't have time to write about it anymore. ; )
• They find other obsessions/interests beyond the ALI community that consume their time.
• Deep down, they might still feel their lives aren't interesting or worthy of sharing with others, without children to talk about.
• Some of them (especially the younger ones) eventually do resume treatments or decide to pursue adoption, or -- surprise! -- find themselves miraculously pregnant -- and wind up with a baby after all.

Thoughts, or alternate theories to share?

If you blog or otherwise write (on message boards, etc.) about childless/free living, especially if you've been doing it for awhile, why do you continue to do so?

If you don't anymore, or as often as you used to, why not?

Housekeeping: Looking for other childless/free bloggers?

Mrs. Spit was commenting today on the dearth of blogs for women in her (& my) specific situation -- living childless/free after loss (&/or infertility). I already had a general ALI community blogroll here, based on my Google reader, a blogroll of a few childfree by choice blogs, and a list of relevant websites & other resources, and I had updated some of these features when I revamped my blog design a few weeks ago.

But I hadn't taken the time to carve out a special space for my childless/free not-by-first-choice peeps (although they're there, lurking within the general ALI blogroll). And so, taking the hint (thank you, Mrs. Spit, for lighting a fire under me), I’ve added a new blogroll specifically for childless/free not by choice bloggers -- scroll down & check it out.

Sadly, well over half the list is currently not active -- some of these blogs have been dormant for years -- but I’ve included them anyway since there’s still some good reading in there (and, once in a great while, a new post pops up from one of these women).

If you are on the list -- but don't consider yourself as living childless/free or done with infertility treatments, my apologies. Please let me know and I'll remove your name (although I would love to keep it on my general ALI blogroll). If you're not on the list, but think you should be, let me know that too. (And consider popping over to Stirrup Queens.com and asking Melissa to add you to her fabulous, humungous, categorized blogroll as well -- it really is the go-to resource for the ALI community.)

Happy reading! : )

New Year odds & ends

• 2012, eek. As one of my university friends commented on Facebook, "Wasn't it just 2000?"
• The Toronto Star has begun a weeklong series on "Motherhood After 40" that I thought might be of interest to some of you. Here's a link to the first story from today. There are no comments... yet!
• Back to work tomorrow (boo, hiss...), after 17 days away (but only 8 of them actual vacation days -- not bad, eh?). It's been a really good holiday. : )
• We went into the city on the afternoon of New Year's Eve for a matinee performance of the Broadway touring production of Hair. I was 7 in 1968, when the play originally debuted, & grew up singing & listening to songs like "Good Morning Starshine," "Aquarius/Let the Sun Shine" and "Hair." Memory flash: My figure skating class skated to "Hair" in the carnival of 1973, when I was 12. We all wore jeans, turtlenecks under vests, love beads, & shaggy wigs that our mothers made by pulling lengths of yarn through the bottom of a pair of pantihose, lol. And the grand finale that year was skated to Three Dog Night's "Joy to the World."
• I had never seen the play before. I saw the movie about 30 years ago, when I was in university (starring Treat Williams as Berger and Beverly D'Angelo as Sheila), but couldn't remember much except the ending. Which, as it turns out, was very different from the play.
• Overall, the play was really good & we both enjoyed it. The key role of Claude was played by an understudy, but I thought he was wonderful. I'm sure the play was considered quite shocking when it first came out in 1968, & the ending still packs a wallop today -- particularly in light of Iraq, Afghanistan, etc. Yes, I had to find a Kleenex.
• My one quibble is that the kids onstage looked way too cleancut to be hippies, lol. Dh can remember being on Yonge Street in Toronto in the late 60s/early 70s (which was sort of the Haight-Ashbury of Canada at the time), & says they were filthy, lol. At the very end of Act I, everyone strips down to their birthday suits (something the play is famous for) & although it was sort of dimly lit, I couldn't help but notice how many of the actors seemed to have had extensive waxing done (guys too) which was certainly not very '60s. I mean, it's called HAIR, people, lol.
• After the play, I had made dinner reservations at our favourite go-to restaurant, where dh had pasta & I enjoyed a delicious steak. And then we headed home, watched "Animal House" on TV for the umpteenth time, & actually managed to stay awake until midnight, lol.
• Seeing "Animal House" reminded me of one of my all-time favourite New Year's Eve parties. It was New Year's Eve 1979-80 (32 years ago, eeek) -- I was home from first-year university, & "Animal House" had made toga parties all the rage. One our friends had the brilliant idea of a New Year's Eve toga party. (Picture my sister walking in to the local beer vendor to buy some supplies, clad in a toga, lol.) I have lost touch with many of those people over the years, but I still cherish the slightly fuzzy group snapshot of all of us, clad in our togas, raising our glasses to a new year and a new decade. Ahh, youth... (I went to several toga parties at university, too.)
• Went to dinner at FIL's yesterday, & to see "Sherlock Holmes 2" today -- great fun!
• How was your New Year's Eve?

Holiday reading

As I mentioned in a previous post, I didn't read quite as many books as I normally do when I'm on holidays... having The Princess around every day cut into my reading time significantly. (Not that I'm complaining, mind you, lol.) Nevertheless, I did finish off one novel, read a second, & get most of the way through a third book.

I can't remember if I saw The Sherlockian by Graham Moore in the bookstore first, or read a review about it & was intrigued. Anyway, I love mysteries, & while I will confess to never having read anything by Arthur Conan Doyle, I have seen my share of Sherlock Holmes movies & TV shows, including the classic BBC TV series from the 1980s starring Jeremy Brett, the new movies starring the charismatic duo of Robert Downey Jr. & Jude Law, and the new BBC TV series with Benedict Cumberbatch (what a great name...) and Martin Freeman as a modern-day Holmes & Watson, who use the Internet & cellphones as well as their brains to solve cases.

So I picked up "The Sherlockian" awhile back & finally got around to reading it, starting just before I went on vacation & finishing while I was still at Mom & Dad's. The plot is fiction, but based in historical fact, alternating between Arthur Conan Doyle trying to solve a mystery in the late 1890s and early 1900s, and a modern-day Sherlock Holmes buff named Harold, who gets caught up in the investigation of a murder at a Sherlock Holmes convention. The common thread is a certain volume of Conan Doyle's diary from 1900, which mysteriously went missing and remains unfound to this day (fact). The murder near the book's beginning is also loosely based in fact, which adds to the intrigue.

The book has been well received. I liked it. It wasn't the best book I read all year -- but it was fun, & I wound up learning a lot about Sherlock Holmes and his creator. (Example: Would you believe one of Conan Doyle's best friends was Bram Stoker -- the creator of another memorable fictional character, Dracula?)

About a year ago, I picked up a novel I kept seeing on the store shelves, called The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradley -- a murder mystery set in post-war 1950s England, and featuring a precocious 11-year-old protagonist with a penchant for poison, by the intriguing name of Flavia de Luce. Within just a few pages, I was hooked. Over the past year, I've read two more Flavia mysteries, and happily, a fourth was published just before Christmas.

Appropriately, I Am Half-Sick of Shadows is set at Christmastime. Sadly, Flavia's family has fallen on hard times -- the family silver was sent to auction in a previous book -- and Flavia's father has leased the family's crumbling mansion, Buckshaw, to a film company for a movie shoot, in a desperate attempt to stave off insolvency for awhile longer. The two stars of the movie agree to stage a benefit performance at Buckshaw. Most of the villagers attend and, conveniently, get snowed in by a blizzard. While they are trapped in the big house together, there is (of course!) a murder, and Flavia goes to work trying to untangle the mystery and identify the killer. Meanwhile, she is determined to solve an even bigger mystery: whether Father Christmas (Santa Claus) is real, and how he gets down the chimney.

I guess you can tell that I adore Flavia, & I think you might too. Each book builds on the next one, so I would recommend that you to begin with the first book, Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie, and move to the other books from there.

The third book I began while I was on vacation was Closure by Nancy Berns, which I heard about a few weeks ago & blogged about here. I am almost finished & will have a separate review soon!