Odds & ends

• I am sick. :(  I woke up Friday morning with a very sore, dry throat. I thought that maybe once I got up and had my breakfast -- some orange juice, a cup of tea -- I would feel better.  
• I didn't. Saturday was worse. I felt like my head was going to explode. I felt somewhat better (at least in that respect) on Sunday, but my throat was still very sore and I was sneezing and in constant need of a kleenex. By yesterday, my throat was not quite so sore, but I'd started coughing...! 
• I don't get colds anywhere near as often as I used to, certainly not since I was working, and definitely not since the pandemic began and wearing a mask became commonplace. I guess I'm overdue. :(  It's the worst/sickest I've felt in a while (and certainly since pre-covid times).
• I took a rapid test on Saturday (day 2) -- which was negative -- and another on Monday (day 4)(also negative). (Yay? -- but I still feel like crap...!)  
• I couldn't figure out where I might have picked up a bug, since we hardly left our condo unit all week. We'd gone downstairs (cloth masks on) during not one but TWO fire alarms last Sunday, and in & out of a few stores on Thursday (wearing N-95 equivalent masks).  
• I suspect Little Great-Nephew is the culprit. ;)  We spent Tuesday morning last week with him at BIL & SIL's house, and he had a drippy nose -- still recovering from his week at home with his mom, with hand foot & mouth disease. SIL was trying to teach him how to use a kleenex, and to put it in his pocket so he'd have it handy. He wasn't getting it and kept using his hand, lol.   
• I wouldn't have worried so much, but I had a follow-up appointment on Tuesday with the surgeon who did my gallbladder removal. I called on Monday morning and left a voice mail message explaining the situation:  did they still want to see me, even masked? (I doubted it...!). Did they want to reschedule? Switch to a phone appointment?  The doctor wound up calling me yesterday morning, and we had a brief chat.  
• Better now than in a few weeks' time, when we're going to dh's cousin's cottage for the weekend!  and then to Manitoba to see my family!  
• I'm continuing to watch the coverage surrounding the Queen's death. At least the procession from Buckingham Palace to Westminster this morning was at a decent hour, lol -- unlike the funeral Monday, which will be at 6 a.m. my time, with coverage beginning at 5 (which is about par for the course for most royal weddings, etc.). But how often do you get to witness history in the making? (even just on TV!) 
• I was trying to figure out who was walking behind the coffin today, besides the obvious royals. I recognized Princess Anne's son Peter and husband Tim Laurence, as well as Princess Margaret's son David (the current Lord Snowdon), but the others were a mystery.  This article provides some further information. 
• The BBC has a live feed online of the Queen lying in state in Westminster Hall, and the public filing past. I've been watching some of it on BBC World, and it's been very moving to see how respectful and emotional people have been. 
• I'm already having trouble keeping up with everything going on re: World Childless Week this week. So much good stuff to read, watch and participate in!  
• From the World Childless Week website: A Norwegian filmmaker is crowdsourcing funding to finish her documentary about involuntary childlessness, "The Mum in Me."  Visit her Indigogo page to find out more and/or donate between now and October 28th. The film will have its premiere at a Nordic documentary film festival in Norway in November, and from January 2023 it will be screened at VGTV, one of the major streaming platforms for documentary film in Norway.
• This article from The Globe & Mail -- about termination for medical reasons -- is a lengthy and difficult read about a difficult and all-too-often hidden subject. It's not for the faint of heart -- it brought back some painful memories for me (our daughter had issues, but her heart stopped beating before we were forced to make any decisions about continuing the pregnancy -- or not) --  but it's very well done. (Beware the comments!) 

World Childless Week 2022, Day Three: A Letter to My Younger Self

Day Three of World Childless Week is about "A Letter to My Younger Self."  

Do you wish you could send your younger self the strength, confidence and love to face the future you’ve already lived? Let them know they are worthy and perfect just as they are, no matter what decisions they make and what life throws at them? Write that letter and share with them everything you can to help them realise how important they are, how much they matter and what positives they bring to the world and those around them. 

A letter to release the negatives and forgive the self imposed judgements. 

Writing letters -- to our younger selves, to our unborn children -- just writing, period (and certainly blogging!), has been proven to be highly therapeutic in all sorts of situations, and I'm a firm believer in its value. I don't believe I have written such a letter to myself in the past -- but I do sometimes look back on the girl and young woman that I was and think about how she had NO IDEA about the challenges that would face her -- the "for worse" part of the marriage vows that nobody ever thinks they'll have to deal with, or just how "worse" things can and sometimes do get. 

What would I tell her now, at age 61?  I think most of all, I would tell her not to be so hard on herself. And that while the life she'll wind up with won't be anything like the life she thought she'd be leading, all those years ago -- and while she's going to have to go through a lot of crap by the time she's my age -- it's still a pretty damn good life, on balance.  :)  

Check out today's content on the WCW site, including community members' contributions and a couple of free, live Zoom webinars on this subject. 

• At 12 noon (Eastern Time), Bindi Shah is hosting a workshop on "Write to heal -- a letter to your younger self."
• And at 3 p.m. (ET), Jody Day of Gateway Women is hosting one of her regular quarterly fireside chats with a group of childless elderwomen who will be reflecting on this topic. 

These sessions will be recorded and uploaded to the Day Three page for anyone who cannot make the live event.  

"Tales of the City" by Armistead Maupin

The September pick for my Gateway/Lighthouse Women book club is "Tales of the City" by Armistead Maupin. There's actually a whole series of "Tales of the City" books (and I didn't know this until I went to buy this one online for my e-reader!), but this is the original, first published in book form in 1978. 

I vaguely recall a TV series by the same name, years ago, although I don't think we ever watched a whole episode. (I looked it up-- it was made in 1993, and broadcast on PBS in North America in 1994, as well as in the United Kingdom.) Apparently, there's a new one on Netflix right now... a sequel/followup, I think (perhaps based on some of the later novels)? 

As the book opens, young Mary Ann Singleton (played by Laura Linney in the TV versions) comes to San Francisco from Ohio for a holiday -- and decides to stay. She finds an apartment in a big old house at 28 Barbary Lane, run by the somewhat mysterious Mrs. Madrigal, and lands a job as a secretary at the ad agency where her neighbour Mona works. As the story progresses, we meet and become involved in the lives of the house's other residents, including Mona's gay friend Michael "Mouse" Tolliver; the secretive Norman Neal Williams; and the good-looking waiter/Lothario, Brian Hawkins. (I was amused to see that Paul Gross -- a well-known (and ridiculously good-looking...!) Canadian actor and star of the Canadian classic "Due South," played Brian in the TV versions!) There's also Mary Ann's boss, Edgar Halcyon; his spoiled debutante daughter, Dede; her husband/Edgar's son-in-law, Beauchamp, and many others. 

As someone who grew up in the 1970s, I thought the book evoked the era very well (with frequent references to the pop culture, decor and fashions of the day). I've never been to San Francisco (although it's very high on my travel bucket list!), but I thought it also reflected the San Francisco of that time very well too -- just before AIDS began decimating the gay community there (and elsewhere). 

This was a good read -- but I'll admit, I didn't LOVE it. I didn't DISlike it, but I found it just a little hard/slow to get through. Each chapter is very short -- few are more than 4 or 5 pages long -- a brief vignette from the life of one or more of the main characters -- although there is continuity in the storylines throughout the book, and they do come together at the end. Perhaps that made it just a little disjointed? (Apparently the book originated as a weekly serial in the San Francisco Chronicle -- maybe that explains it??) Also, there a LOT of characters and intersecting/intertwining plotlines, and I will admit I found it hard to keep track of them all sometimes! 

3.5 stars on Goodreads, rounded down to 3.  

We'll be discussing this book at a Zoom session before the end of the month. Our October pick will be "BeWILDered" by Laura Waters.  

This was Book #37 read to date in 2022 (and Book #1 finished in September), bringing me to 82% of my 2022 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 6 books ahead of schedule. :)  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2022 tagged as "2022 books."  

World Childless Week 2022, Day Two: Childless and Single

 Day Two of World Childless Week 2022 is all about being "Childless and Single." From the website description: 

You may have met someone who promised you everything and changed their mind, leaving you walking away from the relationship. Perhaps you held onto the dreams of meeting your perfect partner and they never appeared. Maybe you met your match and circumstances mean they are no longer in your life? 

How has being single as well as being childless affected you? 

I was fortunate enough (and I know I'm fortunate) to meet my dh when we were university students. We've been together almost 41 years (!) and married for 37.  But I know not all women find a good partner, period, let alone find one who wants to have children, in time to start a family. 

Since this is a topic that lies outside of my lived experience, I don't have much content on this blog that I can easily point to (although I have posted links to relevant books & articles in the past). I do know that Jody Day of Gateway Women has championed this segment of the CNBC community, and you can search the GW website for related content and resources. The Gateway Women private community founded by Jody, now known as Lighthouse Women, has a thriving sub-group for singles. 

Check out today's content on the WCW site, including community members' contributions and two free, live webinars related to this subject. Both will be recorded and later uploaded to the Day Two page for anyone who cannot make the live event: 

• The first, at 4 a.m. Eastern Time (!), is on "The disenfranchised grief no one is talking about" (i.e., being single and childless), with Penny Rabarts of Australia, Bibi Lynch in England, and Naomi Geidel in Thailand. 
• And at 2 p.m. Eastern Time, Kate Kaufmann, Sarah Bradley, Juli Angelis and Yael Wolfe will be chatting about "Boosting our confidence as childless singles." 

World Childless Week 2022, Day One: Our Stories

The sixth annual World Childless Week is here!  -- an entire week filled with inspiring and comforting things to read, watch, listen to and participate in, focused on a different topic/theme each day (and new material posted daily too). If you miss some of the live webinars, don't worry;  they are posted on the WCW website later in the day/week to be enjoyed and consulted indefinitely. (The past five years of amazing WCW content is also available onsite -- what a great resource!) 

As usual, I didn't manage to get my act together to write something new -- but I'm always happy to promote WCW -- and last year, it occurred to me that I've covered many of the topics in my blog over the almost (gulp) 15 years I've been writing here. So each day, I'll post about the day's topic here, with some links to some of my own writing on the subject (if I have written about it). (Some of the content I wrote last year for WCW may be repurposed for this year's posts.) 

Enjoy! :) 

*** *** *** 

Day One is focused on the theme "Our Stories" (as it was in the three previous years too).  

Whilst we all share the same grief of childlessness, we each have a different story to tell of how we arrived here: the struggles to conceive, the sadness of not meeting a partner, the tough choices that broke our hearts, the circumstances that prevented and blocked our chance to be a parent. The confusion of emotions that left us grieving, the feelings of being misunderstood that made us withdraw from the world. 

This is your opportunity to share your story. 

I'm a firm believer in the power of telling our stories (if only to each other, at least at first). Meetings of the pregnancy loss support group that dh & I used to facilitate would always begin by going around the room and having each person introduce themselves and tell us their story, what brought them to us. Sometimes (especially at first), the stories would be long, detailed and filled with tears. Over time, new details would emerge that we hadn't heard before. And we'd learn to develop a shortened "Reader's Digest" version of our story, which left more time for the longer stories (plus, over time, the "regulars" would all get to know each other and each others' stories pretty well, so it wasn't quite as necessary or important to go through all the details for the umpteenth time). 

Telling and retelling our stories to each other like this, week after week, in a supportive environment among others who had similar stories to tell, was good practice for handling those inevitable innocent questions and awkward encounters that all of us experience, sooner or later. In training sessions, we also learned that telling our stories, or some version of them -- over and over and over again -- helps us to process what happened. 

I think the same principles apply to our stories about our childlessness.  Our stories matter, because they're OURS, and because by telling them, we light the way for other childless women looking for support and comfort.  Our stories remind each other that we are not alone.  

This entire blog, of course, is my story :) (or at least parts of/a version of it) and it has evolved, along with my story, over the past 15 years.  A barebones, thumbnail version of my story can be found in the "About me" Blogger profile near the top of this page on the right-hand side (or in the link here). You can find a slightly longer version in the "About me" page (found just under the title/header of this blog). The "Timeline" page (link right beside the "About me" link) also gives you an idea of how my story unfolded and some of the significant dates & events. 

If you're really interested in all the gory details (and be forewarned, some of them ARE a bit gory, emotionally if not physically), I wrote a series of posts tagged "1998 memories" in which I relived my one doomed pregnancy, 10 years after the fact. I did the same thing with "The Treatment Diaries," all about our foray into infertility treatments, 10 years after we abandoned them and resigned ourselves to permanent childlessness. 

I also wrote a few posts shortly after I started this blog, where I told a condensed version of my story (up to that time): 

• Blogtivism: My Story (& how mandated coverage could have helped) (November 2007)
• How we made "the decision" (November 2007)

If you have some difficulty telling your story to others (and I know I have!) -- especially to parents who might not understand/appreciate the subtleties of involuntary childlessness -- take comfort in the words of Brene Brown -- who emphasizes the importance of telling our stories -- but also this:  

Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: "Who has earned the right to hear my story?" If we have one or two people in our lives who can sit with us and hold space for our shame stories, and love us for our strengths and struggles, we are incredibly lucky. If we have a friend, or small group of friends, or family who embraces our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and power, and fills us with a sense of belonging, we are incredibly lucky.

Check out today's content on the WCW site, including community members' contributions and a webinar that ran live earlier today: "Therapy as a Therapist," hosted by Stephanie Phillips, with Cristina Archetti, Katie Maynard, Jody Day and Meriel Whale. It was recorded and will be soon uploaded to the Day One page for anyone who missed it. 

#MicroblogMondays: Missing Grandma

Since the Queen died last Thursday afternoon, the TV in our house has been tuned to almost wall-to-wall coverage, flipping around between CBC, CNN and BBC World.  (Dh just rolls his eyes, lol. I did relinquish the remote long enough to let him watch his Pittsburgh Steelers game yesterday afternoon, lol.)  Saturday, I watched footage of Princes Edward and Andrew, Princess Anne, and some of their spouses and children, walking from a nearby church service back to the castle at Balmoral, and stopping to admire the cards and bouquets left by the public at the gates of the estate. 

Several of the Queen's granddaughters were wiping away tears -- something that would have seemed unthinkable for a member of the Royal Family to do, 70 years ago. Princess Eugenie, in particular, seemed very emotional, and her father, Prince Andrew, put his arm around her and gave her a little side-hug to comfort her, patting her on the back.  

I was instantly reminded of when my own beloved grandmother died in 1999, at age 85 (when I was 38), almost a year to the day after my grandfather died at age 86 (which, in turn, was less than two months after I lost my baby, and just three days after I'd returned to work). As I said in an earlier post about the Queen's death, it "felt kind of like when my grandparents died... It was a day that I knew was coming, sooner versus later -- but hoped never would." I felt so lucky to have had my grandparents in my life for so long -- but so, so sad to have to let them go. :(  Almost 25 years later, I still miss them every single day. 

I abandoned work and flew out the next day to be with my family. We had a viewing/visitation at the tiny funeral home in the small town in Minnesota where Grandma had lived her entire life. 

I stood by the open casket and stared at what was left of my grandmother. She had lost a tremendous amount of weight during her final illness since I'd last seen her, a few months earlier -- so much so that the undertaker couldn't fit her dentures in her mouth, which changed the shape of her face. Thankfully, he'd put her glasses on her face, or I might not have recognized her at all. I stood there frozen, sobbing and sobbing, while relatives and friends milled around, talking among themselves. 

Then my cousin -- I only have two on that side of my family -- came over and put his arm around me and gave me a squeeze. He pointed to the large photo on the easel beside the casket, a wonderful shot of both of my grandparents, laughing together. "That's how I like to remember them," he whispered to me. My cousin has always been a sweetheart of a guy, and I will never forget that gesture of kindness and solidarity and support. And my mind went back to that moment when I saw Prince Andrew doing the same thing for his youngest daughter -- who is a royal princess, but (like me), also just a young woman coming to terms with the death of her beloved grandmother.

Andrew is about a year older than me, and (while I know it's hard to believe now...!) was something of a teen idol when I was growing up -- especially among me & my peers when he came to Canada in the late 1970s to spend a year at Lakefield College, a private boys' school near Peterborough, Ontario, and also when he accompanied his parents to the Commonwealth Games in Edmonton in 1978. (As the royal car departed the stadium, I remember yelling at the TV, "Andrew!  Come back!!"  lol)  

(My best friend sent him a letter asking if he wanted to be penpals (!) -- and actually got a polite reply from a lady-in-waiting at Buckingham Palace, thanking her for her letter, but telling her that Prince Andrew was not allowed to correspond with people he did not know personally. I think she framed it.)  

Unfortunately, his reputation has gone a looooonnngg way downhill in the years since then (and deservedly so).

But I will give him credit for that loving gesture of fatherly support. ;)  

(It's World Childless Week 2022!  I will be posting more about that later.) 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

Odds & ends for the weekend

• Yesterday felt kind of like when my grandparents died (in October 1998 and October 1999). It was a day that I knew was coming, sooner versus later -- but hoped never would. It's hard to believe the Queen is gone. She's been such a constant my entire life.... most people's lives! and sometimes it was easy to believe she would always be there, because she always had been. If you're under 70, you've never known another monarch. 
• Dh told me when I got up that the Queen was not well. We flipped around between coverage on CBC, CNN & BBC World all morning. 
• I was itching to get out, having spent the past several days at home, and we had a couple of errands to run, so we went out shortly after lunch. I went into one store while dh waited outside in the car... got in line for the checkout & got out my phone to text him that I'd be out soon -- and found a text from him from 20 minutes earlier saying the Queen had died. I didn't even hear the notification. 
• As I've written here before, I've been an almost lifelong fan of the Queen and the Royal Family, at least as far back as when I was in Grade 1 (about 1967):  we had two lovely young practice teachers with us for a few weeks, and they did a unit with us about the Queen and the Royal Family, which piqued my interest in the subject. 
• A few years later, in July 1970, we saw the Queen, Prince Philip, Prince Charles and Princess Anne at an outdoor church service at the fairgrounds grandstand in Dauphin, Manitoba, part of the Manitoba Centennial celebrations. My grandparents came for the occasion, and my sister & I wore the dresses we'd worn a few weeks earlier for our aunt's wedding. :)  They drove by us on the way out in an open convertible, so close that, as my Grandpa marvelled, "I could have reached out and touched her." (There are photos, somewhere!) 
• No matter what you think of monarchy as an institution, I don't think anyone can deny that she was a remarkable woman who did her job extremely well -- for SEVENTY! YEARS!!  
• It's the end of an era. :(  
• Past posts about the Royals here. 
• I know the Queen's death has hit a nerve with a few CNBCers -- the images of the family rushing to be with her at Balmoral in particular (who's going to be at MY deathbed??).  
• I had to bite my cybertongue soooooo hard on Tuesday, when a friend posted on social media that she was feeling "a little left out"... everyone was posting their kids' back-to-school photos, and it was the first year she wasn't sending hers off to school.  
• SHE'S feeling left out??!! 
• To add insult to injury, she's a fellow loss mom. (!!) 
• Jennie Agg, who blogs at The Uterus Monologues, also has a Substack newsletter by the same name. (Substack is the new blogging, lol.) Loved this recent repost from her archives, "Sharp objects: when back-to-school week hurts." Here's the opening: 
  

"It’s back to school season, and that means running the daily social media assault course of first-day-of-school pictures (I can’t be alone in thinking of it in these combative terms, can I?). A week-long parade of other people’s babies – and they do often look like mere babies, play-acting in their Big School uniforms – heading out of the door, grown, growing…

 

"In the first week in September, the online chorus from mums of ‘please don’t get any bigger!’ and ‘where has my baby gone?’ seems to get louder. It’s unfair of me, perhaps, but I find these declamations hard to hear and even harder to sympathise with. They hurt, frankly, when your doorway is empty."

• Earlier this week, I wrote about the sad recent events in Saskatchewan. I've been thinking about when we lived in that area, in the early 1960s, from the time I was 2 until I was 5 (we then moved to another town -- still small, but larger -- down the road, where we lived until I was 8, before we then moved back to Manitoba). 
• The James Smith Cree Nation, where many of the murders took place, was not a familiar name to me -- but I remember my mother telling me about taking us to a rodeo/carnival on a reservation at a place called "Fort La Corne," where there were costumed native dancers, and she said my eyes were as big as saucers when I saw them!  I do have a very vivid memory of seeing a man in a full feathered headdress -- just like the Indians I saw in the movies and on TV. ;)  
• I Googled to see where exactly Fort LaCorne was and found an article on it in Wikipedia. It was actually Fort de la Corne, a fur-trading post founded in the 1750s (more than 200 years before we lived there!) -- and the area is currently being developed to mine diamonds (!).  And there was this sentence:  "Today the Fort à la Corne Provincial Forest surrounds the site of the old fur trade posts. The site was designated a National Historic Site of Canada in 1926. The James Smith First Nation is nearby." Both places are almost directly north of the town where we lived.