"Without Children" by Peggy O'Donnell Heffington

I've been hearing the buzz for a while now about a new book:  "Without Children: The Long History of Not Being a Mother" by Peggy O'Donnell Heffington. I'm always up for a good read about childlessness (and it's been a while since my last one), so I downloaded an e-copy the same day it was published this month, and started reading.  

As the subtitle suggests, this book takes an historical perspective on the subject -- but it's far from dry or boring. It covers a broad range of reasons why, throughout history, women have not had children (as set out in the table of contents):  environmental/ecological reasons, simply not wanting children, not being able to have children (infertility), prioritizing other things (career), and so on. 

There were some fascinating stories and examples here of women without children -- some I knew about and others I did not.  There were some great points throughout, well made. I was especially fascinated by the chapters on environmental reasons and the childfree by choice movement, and by some of the complex alliances and rivalries among the various associated factions and groups described. The chapter on "because we can't" (infertility) was very well done. 

And then... My one reservation about the book comes in the conclusion. The author makes a valid case that a huge reason why fewer people are having children is that modern society makes parenthood a very difficult proposition. She ends with a plea for compassion, community and greater understanding between parents and those without children:   

The years I spent writing this book have softened me, especially towards the mothers and parents in my life.  I originally wanted to write about the value and accomplishments of women without children in part because I wanted us to get more credit. I was someone who would get annoyed, even angry, at the things that fall onto people without kids, women in particular, especially, at work....  Not having children, I'll admit to thinking, bitterly and more than once, doesn't mean I'm not busy, or tired, or that I don't have anything important to do.  But as I researched and wrote, as I watched parents around me struggle, I realized this kind of thinking is not just ungenerous and unkind, though it certainly is both of those thing. It is also dangerous... 

While I agree with her that meaningful support for parents is sadly lacking (especially in the United States), and that there's a huge need for greater compassion and community all round, I couldn't help but feel just a little let down. While she threw in a couple of sentences about how parents need to care about their neighbours and let us have "a real role in the responsibilities and joys that come with having children," and that people with children need to stop telling their childless friends "You'll never understand" -- the message I got was still very much that those of us without children need to support the parents in our lives (which many of us do already) -- the flipside, maybe not so much. I admire her generosity of spirit, but I must admit that it's not something I always find easy to imitate or accept, because in my personal experience (as well as those of others I know), there's often a lack of reciprocity when it comes to relationships with parents.  And it's hard to always be the ones doing -- and expected to do -- all the giving.  

I was left feeling rather deflated, after an otherwise exhilarating trip through childless/free history -- and for that reason, I could not give this book a 5-star rating. 

Nevertheless, it's a great book, so far as it goes, and worth a read if you have any interest in this subject!  

4 stars on Goodreads 

*** *** *** 

Other bloggers' reviews of this book:  

• " "Without Children" Book Review" (Finding a Different Path) 
• "New Book Shows Us Childlessness is Nothing New" (Childless by Marriage) 

Excerpts from this book have appeared in several publications, and Heffington recently wrote an opinion piece for The Globe & Mail:  "Policies that make it easier to be a parent won’t actually help people become parents." It's more about parenting and the lack of supportive policies such as affordable day care and parental leave than about childlessness -- and it makes the point that even countries with supportive policies (or at least MORE supportive policies than in the U.S., such as Canada, France and Sweden) have declining fertility rates. But towards the end, there's this thought (which I definitely do agree with!): 

It’s time to stop thinking about falling fertility and people without children as a problem. As the sociologist Philip Cohen suggested in The New York Times in 2021, rather than trying to “fix” our fertility rate, there is a better, possibly more effective option that is also definitely more morally sound: “create conditions that allow people to control their fertility, and have children if they want to.” What if we stopped asking how to get more people to have more babies, and instead started asking how we could truly value and care for the ones we are having – and the ones we already have?

There's another recently published book on life without children: "Women Without Kids" by Ruby Warrington. It will be interesting to see how it compares to this one...! 

This was Book #17 read to date in 2023 (and Book #4 finished in April), bringing me to 38% of my 2023 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 3 books ahead of schedule. :)  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2023 tagged as "2023 books."   

Isn't it ironic?

I've been wanting to write this post for a while now, but struggling to figure out just how much I can write without telling stories and revealing too many details that are not really mine to share. And yet it's also very much my/our story too, because we are also affected, in multiple ways. And I wanted to write about it here because, in some ways, the things dh & I are feeling are intertwined with/exacerbated by our childlessness.  

I've mentioned/hinted in various posts that my brother-in-law -- dh's younger brother and only sibling -- has been experiencing some serious health problems over the past year & a half. His condition has deteriorated significantly since the new year began -- and he's not going to get better unless and until he has a major surgical procedure, which may or may not work (and we don't like to think about "may not"). There is a waiting list involved -- so we don't know when or how this is all going to unfold. (That's about as specific as I think I can get here.)  It's been impossible for him to continue working, so earlier this year, he went on disability (and thankfully, his company has been extremely supportive). 

Almost exactly 10 years ago this month, dh lost his job, and wound up taking early retirement. (The same thing happened to me a little more than a year later.)  And 7 years ago this month, we sold the house where we'd been living for the past 26 years (where we thought we'd be raising our family) and downsized to the condo where we now live, 10 minutes away from dh's brother and his family (and closer to a few other extended family members too). There were several reasons why we made the decision to move, and to move when and where we did, but one of the main ones was that dh wanted to be closer to his brother and our nephews. He pointed out that they would be better able to support us and help us out as we age from there vs where we'd been living (true) -- and while I'm still not wild about this community itself, I do love our condo, and it has been nice to be near family, especially as our two nephews got married and started their own families. 

We helped out with organizing their weddings & showers, etc., bought them stuff they needed for their new homes and new babies, have hunted down and delivered baby formula and children's Tylenol when there have been shortages, etc.  For the past two years, SIL has been the main caregiver for their grandson (our Little Great-Nephew) while the parents are at work (while juggling her own part-time job), and we've gone over there at least once a week to spend time with him (and get him out of her hair for a while, lol) and stayed with him when she had appointments, etc.  We've been there for all of them in many other ways over the past 7 years too. 

Since BIL's health problems emerged, we've been called on to help out more than ever.  Dh speaks with his brother on the phone at least once a day, and has been doing his best to cheer him up and keep up his spirits. More than once, he's dropped everything, got in the car and gone over to see BIL when he's been feeling down or wants his help with a specific task or just wants his big brother there to talk to. Even on days when BIL is feeling relatively good (and maybe especially on those days!), he's calling two, three, four, five times a day: he's not used to just sitting around the house, and he is BORED. (Plus, I think he gets a kick out of bugging his brother, lol. Even now that they're both in their 60s...!)(Covid lockdown periods were a nightmare for him.)  

Dh has been taking BIL to some of his appointments, and we've been staying with LGN when my SIL goes with him. He usually has at least one appointment during the week, often more, and sometimes they're gone for almost the entire day. We adore LGN, and he's really no trouble at all (and he will be starting pre-school in the fall, so we won't be seeing as much of him after that  :(  ) -- but he IS a very active 3-year-old! (lol) and we ARE in our 60s, and NOT used to being around small children for that long!  

Anyway -- I'm finding it a little ironic/funny that although we moved here with the idea that they could support us as we aged -- part of our "ageing without children" strategy -- and they HAVE been there for us, especially when we first moved here and were finding our way around, etc. -- WE are the ones who have been supporting them!  They are very, very appreciative, and they are really, really good about including us in things -- and I'm pretty sure that someday, they will do the same for us -- but right now the balance is definitely in their favour. Funny/strange how life works out sometimes...!  

But -- (confession time) -- I'm also just a wee bit... irritated? sometimes:  I sense there's an underlying assumption that, well, OF COURSE we will do [whatever needs to be done -- and of course we will...!], because hey! we're retired AND we're childless!! -- it's not like we have anything better to do, right?? (These are my feelings, not dh's.) I especially find myself shaking my head when BIL calls on dh to help him with things like yardwork and moving furniture, etc., because he (BIL) "doesn't want to bother" his sons/our nephews -- both of whom are bigger, stronger and 30+ years younger than my husband! 

I worry about my sister-in-law, who is closest to the situation and who has been through a lot of loss and stress over the past several years. And I worry about my husband, and how this is affecting him too.  At one point recently, he said to me glumly, "I'm going to be the last one left" -- meaning, the lone survivor from his family of origin. :(   I know that, whatever happens to BIL, people will rally around my SIL and our nephews. (They're already doing it.)  But I'm worried that dh, and his own very real need for support, will be overlooked. (I kind of feel like it's being overlooked now.)  Everyone in the extended family adores BIL and has been expressing their concern and support for him & SIL (and sometimes calling dh for updates, rather than bothering SIL).  Dh has said -- only half jokingly -- that if it was him in the same situation, people would be saying, "Well, it's been nice knowing you..." (!)  Like many men, he doesn't have a very extensive social network -- his brother is his best friend (besides me). He grew up close to several of his cousins, but he's one of the oldest in the extended family, and of course most of them are still working and busy with their kids and their own aging parents and in-laws, etc. 

I'm really glad we're here and able to help out as much as we've been doing. And if there's one thing I've learned over the past 25 years, it's to expect the unexpected -- that life rarely unfolds exactly the way we think it will.

But I can't help but thinking that (much like the pandemic!) this is really NOT what I pictured I'd be doing in retirement...!  

(I always did like this video... although I recognize that Alanis's definition of "ironic" here is not entirely correct...!)  

#MicroblogMondays: Things I don't like

(Stealing/"borrowing" an old topic from Mali!  :)  -- a slight variation on my usual "annoying things" posts...) 

• Days (like today) when the sun doesn't shine. :(  
• Coconut. (Was it Mel who once asked whether we're fans?  I'm afraid I'm not...!  Although I will tolerate it as part of the base for nanaimo bars...)  
• Nuts in cookies. 
• Mushrooms. (I like mushroom flavouring -- e.g., cream of mushroom soup in casseroles, etc. -- but I dislike actual mushrooms (especially the canned ones!) -- there's something about the squishy texture (shudder)...!) 
• Rap/hiphop music. 
• Horror movies. 
• Most drivers hereabouts (lol).  
• Feeling tired (even though I got a fairly decent night's sleep). :p  
• Cleaning the shower cubicle (albeit I do like the results, very much!).  
• Scented products. (I do like wearing perfume occasionally, albeit I don't do it very often these days, because so many people are scent-sensitive. And I do like using using certain essential oil blends in my diffuser. But generally, I try to avoid strong scents in my personal care, laundry & cleaning products.) 
• Breaking in new shoes. 
• Having my bangs grow to the point where they're constantly in my eyes. :p 
• Certain politicians. ;)  
• Not being able to come up with something better for this week's #MM.  ;)  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

Weekend odds & ends

• Annoying thing/blogging note:  Writing a recent book review, I suddenly realized I hadn't changed the little blurb I put at the end of each book review from "Goodreads 2022 Reading Challenge" to 2023.  (Everything else within the blurb that referred to the year said "2023.")  Oops. It only took me four full months to realize this...!  (Insert red-faced emoji here.)  
• I went back and updated all my reviews to date this year (thankfully, just 16 so far!). Better late than never, I guess....!
• Infertile Phoenix is looking to interview childless-not-by-choice women for her research study. Details here! 
• Next week (April 23rd to 29th) is National Infertility Awareness Week in the U.S. and in Canada (where it's now apparently called National Fertility Awareness Week) -- something I will admit I don't pay much attention to these days. I don't follow many infertility blogs these days (many of the ones I used to follow no longer exist) and most of the social media accounts I follow have more of a childless/free perspective than ones still focused on trying to conceive. But it does still pop up as a subject there too! 
• Katy at Childless Collective (formerly Chasing Creation) had a great post on Instagram drawing attention to "Five Types of Toxic Positivity You'll See During National Infertility Awareness Week (and how to avoid them in your messaging)." I think you can read the post, even if you don't have an Instagram account yourself. The comments are instructive too! 
• From the Washington Post: "How -- and why -- you should increase your social networks as you age."  (Something that I know concerns a lot of us who are aging without children.) 
• In her regular column for Psychology Today (which is called "Unapparent" -- lol!), Kate Kaufmann has some practical suggestions on how to meet other people without kids.  
• From The Guardian this weekend:  "Not being able to have a baby was devastating – then I found people who embraced a childfree life." I've often said, childless and childfree people come from different places/mindsets -- but we have a lot in common and there's a lot we can do to support each other! Sample passage (from near the end of the article): 

I wasn’t sure joining the world of the childfree by choice was going to provide me comfort. Would these women, so certain that parenting was not for them, understand why it was what I had always wanted? Perhaps I, too, had internalised the idea that women without kids were cold and lacking in compassion, which could not be further from the truth. The “unsung sisterhood” has got my back.

• Not adoption/loss/infertility/childless-related, but an article that made me go, "Oh, hell YES!!" when I read the headline (bringing out my inner curmudgeon -- "now, back in MY day, kids..." -- lol): "Welcome to Wedding Sprawl."  
• Subheading: "Proposal parties. Extended bachelor and bachelorette weekends. Multiple honeymoons. Modern marriage celebrations can feel endless." 
• I think the same could be said for babies: it's not just baby showers any more, it's gender reveal parties, ultrasound photos and regular pregnancy updates on social media, "babymoons" (pre-birth vacations), "sprinkles" (mini-showers for subsequent children), post-birth "meet the baby" parties, christenings and huge, elaborate birthday parties (especially the first one)... 
• His website hasn't been updated in eons -- but Alan Bradley, now 85 years old and the author of one of my favourite mystery series of books, announced on Facebook this weekend that he will be producing two more Flavia de Luce novels over the next two years -- the first to be published in fall 2024 (title: "What Time the Sexton's Spade Doth Rust") and the second in fall 2025!!! 
• Longtime readers here may recall that I ADORE Flavia (who is 11 years old at the start of the series, and a budding chemist/detective with a special interest in poison, lol). All 10 Flavia novels to date (with the exception of the first, "The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie," from 2009) are reviewed on this blog.  
• The tenth Flavia novel, "The Golden Tresses of the Dead," was published in 2019. It was the last one Bradley was contracted to write -- although at the time, he didn't rule out more to come. (Understandably, though, after 10 novels in 10 years, he was looking forward to a break!) 
• In response to the question "Do you have any insider news on the Flavia tv series that you are free to share?" -- which I first heard about at least 10 years ago, with British director Sam Mendes connected to the project -- he responded, tantalizingly, "soon..."  (SQUEEEEEE....) 
• I decided I had amassed enough Flavia-related posts on this blog to give Flavia her own label, lol. Here it is! 

"The Empty World" by D.E. Stevenson (re-read)

My D.E. Stevenson group recently completed our chapter-by-chapter reading and discussion of "The Empty World"  (alternate title: "A World in Spell"), first published in 1936. I read the book on my own, in advance of our discussions, earlier in the year, and reviewed it here. 

While DES is known as "the mistress of the light novel" (see the blurb on the cover image, left), and while there are elements of her trademark romances here, "The Empty World" is also an apocalyptic/dystopian/speculative/science fiction novel, set 37 years in the future, in 1973. 

The plot:  British author Jane Forrest and her secretary Maisie are en route from New York to England aboard a trans-Atlantic airliner, when a sudden, violent thunderstorm knocks the plane off course. With no radio contact or radar to guide them, they eventually land in Renfrew, Scotland, where they are greeted by complete silence. No people, no birds, no animals. Buildings are vacant and the roads are littered with empty cars and buses. The 13 passengers and 9 crew members are, it seems, the last surviving people left on earth.  (Or are they?) 

As I mentioned in my earlier review, it's an intriguing premise -- and there are some interesting thoughts about technology, power, human behaviour, morality, etc. -- but there are some gaping plot holes (DES obviously didn't think through all the details or implications of the world she created), and the execution sometimes leaves something to be desired. While the story is supposed to be set in 1973, there's a lot here that still seems very 1936. 

Several of our group members found the initial chapters bleak and off-putting and, early on, there was some discussion about whether we should abandon the book altogether and choose another one. Some wondered whether reading it now, in a world where nuclear weapons exist and global tensions are higher than they have been since the end of the Cold War, made it an even more difficult read than it would have been in 1936. Of course, even in 1936, Hitler was already beginning to flex his muscles in Europe, so who's to say? 

Anyway, I'm very glad we continued, because we sure had some interesting discussions as we worked our way through the story!  It's not Stevenson's best work, but she gets points for effort and originality, and for trying something a little different, outside of her usual norm. 

My original Goodreads rating of 3 stars stands. 

Not sure what our next Stevenson novel will be, but I'm looking forward to it!  :)  

This was Book #16 read to date in 2023 (and Book #3 finished in April), bringing me to 36% of my 2023 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 3 books ahead of schedule. :)  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2023 tagged as "2023 books."   

"The Cruellest Month" by Louise Penny

"April is the cruellest month" is the opening line of "The Waste Land" by T.S. Eliot. The phrase also figures in the title and storyline of Louise Penny's third Inspector Gamache/Three Pines novel, "The Cruellest Month," which will be the next book under discussion in the Notes From Three Pines Readalong (date not specified, but generally mid/late month). 

In a timely coincidence, I started reading this book in mid-April (right after I finished Bono's memoir), just after the Easter long weekend -- right in step with the events of this book. We're back in the quaint old Loyalist village of Three Pines, Quebec, back among old friends -- and back in the old Hadley house, which played a key role in the first book and is almost a character in its own right. A seance at the spooky abandoned house ends in tragedy when one of the attendees is seemingly (quite literally) scared to death -- but a closer investigation suggests murder.  Once more, it's up to Chief Inspector Armand Gamache of the Surete du Quebec to unravel what actually happened. 

As with many mystery series, the murder and whodunnit generally plays second fiddle to the characters and to the continuing storylines that play out in the background (and for this reason, I would highly recommend starting with the first book, "Still Life," and reading the books in order).  In this case, the primary ongoing storyline is Gamache's involvement in -- and the continuing fallout from -- what's known as "the Arnot affair." Each successive book in the series so far has fed us a few more pieces of the puzzle, and we learn more -- a lot more -- in this one about what happened. 

In her Goodreads review of this book, Mel said, "This is the book where Penny hits her stride. Where you know your way around the village and people. It feels like Penny breathes a big sigh of relief and settles into the series. Plus it's a great mystery." 

I agree. All the books have been good so far, but this one feels more satisfying somehow. Dark and dramatic, but very well done. 

I'm rating this one 5 stars on Goodreads. Maybe more like a 4.5, but I'm feeling generous, lol.  On to Book #4!  

This was Book #15 read to date in 2023 (and Book #2 finished in April), bringing me to 33% of my 2023 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 2 books ahead of schedule. :)  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2023 tagged as "2023 books."  

*** *** *** 

There were a couple of things in this book that I wanted to elaborate on, from a personal perspective. Relevant from an ALI perspective, there was a passage from Chapter 31 that stopped me in my tracks:  a discussion between Gamache and Myrna, the used bookstore owner [edited, with boldface emphasis added by me]:  

'The near enemy. It's a psychological concept. Two emotions that look the same but are actually opposites. The one parades as the other, is mistaken for the other, but one is healthy and the other's sick, twisted.'...

He leaned forward and spoke, his voice low. 'Can you give me an example?' 

'There are three couplings,' said Myrna, herself leaning forward now, and whispering though she didn't know why. 'Attachment masquerades as Love, Pity as Compassion, and Indifference as Equanimity.'...

'I don't understand,' Gamache said finally, bringing his eyes back to Myrna. 'Can you explain?'

Myrna nodded. 'Pity and compassion are the easiest to understand. Compassion involves empathy. You see the stricken person as an equal. Pity doesn't. If you pity someone you feel superior.'

'But it's hard to tell one from the other,' Gamache nodded. 

'Exactly. Even for the person feeling it. Almost everyone would claim to be full of compassion. It's one of the noble emotions. But really, it's pity they feel.'

'So pity is the near enemy of compassion,' said Gamache slowly, mulling it over.

'That's right. It looks like compassion, acts like compassion, but is actually the opposite of it. And as long as pity's in place there's not room for compassion. It destroys, squeezes out, the nobler emotion.'

'Because we fool ourselves into believing we're feeling one, when we're actually feeling the other.'

'Fool ourselves, and fool others,' said Myrna.

*** *** *** 

A possible clue in the mystery comes in the form of the novel "Sarah Binks" by Paul Hiebert (the murder victim had a copy in her night table drawer). 

I've never read "Sarah Binks" but seeing the name gave me a start of recognition. "Sarah Binks" is a 1947 satirical novel, set in Saskatchewan, that won the Stephen Leacock Medal for Humour. 

(If you've never heard of Stephen Leacock, he's another Canadian writer, best known for "Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town," which we read in school.  The book was loosely based on his hometown of Orillia, north of Toronto, and he's buried in the churchyard at Sibbald's Point on the shores of Lake Simcoe, near the final resting place of another famous Canadian writer, Mazo de la Roche, author of the Jalna series of books. Dh & I have stayed a couple of times at a nearby inn -- where de la Roche was a frequent guest, and which some believe was the model for Jalna -- and taken a stroll through the cemetery. But, I digress...!) 

The author, Paul Hiebert, was a chemistry professor (!) at the University of Manitoba -- and the reason I know his name and "Sarah Binks" is that he lived in the same small Manitoba town where my parents live, and where I worked for a year on the weekly newspaper, before I got married in 1985 and moved to Toronto. His little house by the river was apparently his family's cottage, and he moved there permanently after he retired. I never met him, but everyone in town knew him and was very proud that he lived there. (When I looked at his biography and a list of his books, I realized he'd published one in 1984 called "Not as the Scribes" -- the same year my parents moved there, in April. I finished journalism school a few weeks after they arrived, and started working for the newspaper that fall.)  He died a few years later, in 1987. (The cottage has since been torn down and a new house has been built on the site, although I think there's a plaque nearby.)   

By the way -- he & his wife didn't have any children. 

*** *** *** 

One more note:  I knew Louise Penny was a widow -- she mentions her late husband Michael in the preface -- but (surprise!) she's also childless. An interview she gave to Publishers Weekly in 2021 reveals: 

Penny and her husband didn’t have kids (“Michael loved me enough to try, and I loved him enough to stop trying,” she says), but she sees her books as her unique little progeny. “I don’t know that they’ll survive me, but I hope they do. I put everything I have into them. They’re all my beliefs. My DNA. All my time, my efforts. I put my love and focus into them as one would a child.”

#MicroblogMondays: Annoying things & small pleasures

Annoying things: 

• After several days of (admittedly unusual/unseasonal) warm temperatures and sunshine, back to dull grey skies, rain and chillier temperatures this morning (and possibly even some snow tomorrow...!). 
• How filthy the windows of our condo are...!  (They likely won't be washed for another month or so -- although I could get out on the balcony & wash the windows there myself if the weather is nice enough.)(Those ones are my responsibility anyway.)   
• The (false) perception that we're done with covid. (Spoiler alert: we're not.)  
• Learning that Spotify will be shutting down Heardle after May 4th (after buying it less than a year ago!).  
• BIL recruiting dh to help him with some heavy yard work yesterday (when he has two adult sons living nearby who are bigger, stronger and 30 years YOUNGER than dh...!). (Also, dh's allergies have been acting up ever since then -- he's been sneezing like crazy.) 
• Not being able to come up with a more original post for #MM.  ;)   

Small pleasures: 

• A weekend packed with Zoom calls with online friends, including some longtime blogging friends.  :)  
• Finishing Bono's memoir (long, but good) and starting the next/third Louise Penny mystery. :)  
• Reading with a cup of tea at hand.  :)  
• The takeout soup from our local supermarket for lunch. :) They always have at least 12 different varieties on hand, made fresh daily. I'm not able to eat all of them, because of my tomato allergy, but I'm especially partial to their chicken with rice, Italian wedding soup and broccoli cheddar.   
• The prospect of spending several hours with Little Great-Nephew tomorrow while his grandparents attend a lengthy medical appointment.  :)  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.