"Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine" by Gail Honeyman

"Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine" by first-time author Gail Honeyman is this month (June)'s pick for our Gateway Women online book club.  It was a good read (I went through it relatively quickly), very well written (an impressive debut!) & I would recommend it -- but I'll admit, it was not entirely what I expected.

The reviews on the back of my paperback call "Eleanor"  "wacky, charming... hilarious and moving" (People), and   "satisfyingly quirky" (New York Times).  Yes, it is all these things... but I'm more inclined to agree with the blurb from Purewow, which calls it "simultaneously hilarious and heartbreaking." I was expecting a comedy -- and yes, there is a lot of humour in Eleanor's narration, in her complete lack of social awareness and the resulting faux pas.  But there's also sadness, and dark undercurrents that rise to the surface as the story progresses.

Eleanor is 30, lives in a flat by herself furnished with castoffs, and has an unexciting office job that she's held for the past nine years. Her routine rarely deviates -- except for Wednesdays, when she talks to Mummy, and on weekends, when she picks up a pizza for Friday night's dinner -- and two bottles of vodka, which she drinks to help make the time go by faster until it's Monday and time to go to work again.

Little by little, we come to learn more about Eleanor and her life story -- and that she's not quite as "completely fine" as she appears. Three things happen that shake up Eleanor's carefully calibrated  world: first, she develops a crush on a local singer and begins plotting how to meet him.  Second, she gradually develops a friendship with her affable coworker Raymond. And finally, she & Raymond come to the rescue of an elderly gentleman -- a simple act of kindness that changes everything.

"Eleanor Oliphant" reminded me of another Eleanor (Rigby), and "all the lonely people... where do they all come from?"  Loneliness and social isolation are major themes of this book.  Eleanor is different -- and as the story progresses, we learn some of the reasons why.  Her coworkers think she's weird, and she's often the butt of their jokes. There's nothing in this book that's directly related to the ALI world -- and yet I was reminded of the social isolation we often experience as infertile people, as bereaved parents and as non-parents, and the inappropriate comments and questions and assumptions we are often subjected to.

We don't always know the full story.  Sometimes, we need to skip the speculation and the judgment, and just give the other guy a break.

"Eleanor Oliphant" is one of Reese Witherspoon's book club picks, and apparently she is making it into a movie (Americanized, no doubt -- what a pity!)(I could hear the British/Scottish accents in my head as I read which, for me, was part of the charm). I will be interested to see how they cast it.

Four stars on Goodreads.

This was book #17 that I have read in 2019 to date, bringing me to 71% of my 2019 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 24 books.  I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 8 (!!) books ahead of schedule to meet my goal. :) 

Odds & ends

• No #MicroblogMondays post this week... I didn't get anything prepared in advance over the weekend, & yesterday & today were busier than I expected. Maybe next week...? 
• Yesterday (Monday), I was back in the city at the optometrist. Floaters & flashes are still there, but not as noticeable/intense as they were a few weeks ago.  Unless they suddenly get worse or something else happens that concerns me, I don't have to return for another 6-12 months. Yay! 
• I did have to call him this morning -- because, much to my dismay, my right pupil was STILL dilated from the drops he put in some 18 hours earlier (!).  He told me not to worry, it would return to normal, eventually. (He thought he might have used a stronger drop than he had previously.) It's not quite back to the same size as the left eye yet (almost, but not quite...), but it HAS returned to a much more normal size, thank goodness.  
• Last night was my library book club meeting to discuss "Little Fires Everywhere" (which I reviewed here). The discussion was... interesting. Lots of conversation along the lines of "what makes a mother?" and about motherhood and surrogacy and adoption and who the baby at the centre of the custody case should ultimately go to. I didn't get into my own story much, but I did throw out a few comments. 
• One other woman (older than me) said she didn't have children (I think it was by choice) and voiced the opinion that most people have children for themselves, for selfish reasons/their own benefit (& not necessarily the child's). Let's just say not many people agreed with her, lol.  
• Lots going on in the childless-not-by-choice world lately! :) To highlight just a few things I've seen & listened to recently: 
• I'm excited to share a new monthly podcast with you, created specifically by & for the childless-not-by-choice community!  Berenice Smith (Walk in Our Shoes), Sarah Lawrence (After the Storm) and Michael Hughes (Married and Childless) have teamed up to bring us The Full Stop podcast. The first episode is scheduled for release on June 9th, but you can listen right now to a 24-minute introduction. The podcast is too new to be listed on iTunes or other podcast apps yet, but with our support, it will soon be easier to find!  Meanwhile, you can sign up for the podcast newsletter and listen to the intro on the podcast website. 
• Another podcast worth listening to (as recommended by Gateway Women's Jody Day):  this episode of M's the Word, featuring Rebecca, who is living without children after loss & infertility. In this case, "M" refers to miscarriage, not motherhood. :)  I hope to find time to listen to other episodes soon! 
• A couple of years ago, Pamela at Silent Sorority teamed up with documentary filmmaker Irina Vodar to organize a forum in New York City called "The Cycle: Living a Taboo," at which she and other childless-not-by-choice advocates spoke about their experiences. 
• Luckily for us, their presentations were filmed, and are now being made available on YouTube as a series of short videos called "Infertility Tales."  You can find the available episodes here and subscribe to get notified of new ones as they're released. 
• Pamela is featured in Episode 2 (The Blogger/Author), and recently wrote here about her experience. 
• Irina's documentary about ARTs and the taboos surrounding them, "Anything You Lose," premiered at Fertility Fest in London earlier this month.
• Being in Canada, I was sadly unable to attend Fertility Fest... but through the miracle of technology, I was happy to watch "Fertility Fight Club" via Facebook. :)  Well worth viewing!    
• (Lots more, but I think that's enough for now...!) 

"No Happy Endings" by Nora McInerny

After getting my book club obligations out of the way (& -- happily -- they were both good books!), I was glad to get back to "No Happy Endings," the second memoir by Nora McInerny, host of the podcast "Terrible, Thanks for Asking" (which I still haven't listened to... yet!).  It's a sequel/followup to "It's Okay to Laugh," which I read (and loved!) just a few weeks ago & reviewed here.

"It's Okay to Laugh" was about how Nora met & married her husband Aaron and became a mother to their son, Ralph -- then lost her second baby, Aaron and her dad, all within a few weeks' time in 2014, when she was just 31 years old. "No Happy Endings" is about what came next: adjusting to life as a single mom, dating again, meeting and marrying "Sophie's Hot Dad," Matthew, and how they blended their families -- including Nora's subsequent pregnancy after her miscarriage. Those of you who have also experienced subsequent pregnancy will probably relate, a lot, to Nora's feelings of joy, ambivalence, depression and sheer terror, in these chapters. (Chapter 20, "Memorial Day," had me in tears.)(By coincidence, I read it on the American Memorial Day weekend this year.)

I was predisposed to like this book because I enjoyed "It's Okay to Laugh" so much -- and I was not disappointed. It's more of the same mix of humour, hard-earned wisdom and brutal honesty. I adored Chapter 32, "Feminist Agenda." :)  And the final chapter, "Yes, And" reminded me of what Justine Froelker calls

...the complicated grey... the permission to change the but to an and. Giving ourselves permission to feel it all, all at the same time; the anger and acceptance, the  joy and the longing, the fear and the hope. The permission to walk into the muck of the gray between the certainties of life; allowing ourselves to hold both truths, as difficult and uncomfortable as that is, we will awaken to life in color.

Nora embrace of "yes, and" will resonate with all of us who grieve what we've lost, the life we thought we'd have, while simultaneously embracing and celebrating the life we do have now: 

And is where I am now. 

And does not deny the past, or the pain. And makes room for it, in a way that but does not. And allows for the future, too... 

Yes, I have a life I love, and a life I miss.  

Yes, I am filled with happiness and gratitude, and with an eternal ache.  

Yes, Matthew is my husband, and the love of my life. And so is Aaron. 

Five (5) stars on Goodreads.

This was book #16 that I have read in 2019 to date, bringing me to 67% of my 2019 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 24 books.  I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 7 (!!) books ahead of schedule to meet my goal. :)  

"The Keeper of Lost Things" by Ruth Hogan

"The Keeper of Lost Things" by Ruth Hogan is this month's book club selection (the very first book club selection, actually!) for the Gateway Women private community I recently became part of. Jody Day will be leading a live chat about the book for community members this coming weekend. (Main criteria for GW book club selections:  no miracle babies! lol)  It's not a book I would likely have picked up otherwise... for one thing, I'd never heard of it or Hogan before this, even though it was well reviewed and was nominated for a Goodreads Choice Award for Best Fiction in 2017.

(I Googled Hogan while writing this review. Would you believe we share the EXACT SAME BIRTHDATE?? -- day, month & year!)

"The Keeper of Lost Things" is a multi-pronged story. There is Laura, a divorced, childless, middle-aged woman who has lost her purpose in life -- until she becomes the assistant of writer Anthony Peardew. Anthony lost his beloved fiancee, Therese, 40 years earlier -- as well as an important keepsake she'd entrusted to him. Since then, as a form of atonement, he's made it his life's work to collect all kinds of lost things, in the hope of eventually reuniting them with their owners. And, in the process of carrying on Anthony's mission to find where the lost things belong, Laura winds up finding herself.

Interwoven with the story of Laura & Anthony, there's also the story of Eunice, assistant to publisher Bomber, and how their relationship unfolds over a period of some 40 years.  And then there's Anthony's stories about the lost things themselves -- which may or may not be true. The book bounces around among these three threads, eventually bringing them all together. (And as if that's not enough, there's a bit of the supernatural thrown in for good measure too...)

This was a warm, rather quirky/whimsical story, with underlying themes of grief and loss, and some lovely writing.  I enjoyed it overall -- but it did meander a bit, and it took a while to start making the connections between the various threads and figuring out what was going on. Best enjoyed with "the lovely cup of tea" (a catchphrase from one of the book's characters :)  ).

Three stars on Goodreads (three & a half, if I could give half stars).

This was book #15 that I have read in 2019 to date, bringing me to 63% of my 2019 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 24 books.  I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 6 (!!) books ahead of schedule to meet my goal. :)  

Happy retirement, Dr. Ob-gyn

I made my last visit to Dr. Ob-gyn today -- almost exactly 21 years to the day since I first walked into his office in May 1998, when I was about 12 weeks pregnant. He's retiring at the end of June, after a long and stellar career at this hospital (along with his wonderful office manager and his nurse, both of whom have also been there the entire time I've been his patient).

After confirming I was pregnant in March 1998, my former, longtime family dr (who retired about five years ago himself, after being our dr for 29!! years) referred me to Dr. Ob-gyn. "He delivered my three boys -- I can't give you any better recommendation than that,"  he told me, smiling. Dr. Ob-gyn also came highly recommended by my university roommate, who went to him throughout her own pregnancy, a few years earlier. He has top ratings on all those "rate my doctor" websites (and -- I checked! -- is currently ranked #2 of more than 620 gynecologists in the city!).  Calm, patient and kind are just some of the adjectives patients use to describe him (myself included).

Dr. Ob-gyn and his staff were there for me though the ups & downs of my rollercoaster pregnancy (see my "1998 memories" posts). At my followup appointment after the stillbirth of my daughter, he invited me to continue to visit his office for my Pap smears & other gynecological issues (something I knew my family dr was happy to let him do, lol).  After a year had gone by without another pregnancy (and my 39th birthday fast approaching), we called him for help. He shepherded us through a basic infertility workup, and referred me to Dr. RE when he'd done all he felt he could. When one of my Paps showed some suspicious early changes, he reassured me and kept me coming back for checks and colposcopies every few months until the situation finally reversed itself, as he had thought it might.  In recent years, he's reassured me through my wonky perimenopausal symptoms and an obnoxious Aunt Flo who just keeps showing up, even though I am now 58-frickin'-years old.  :p

I suppose some women who have lost a pregnancy (& wound up childless) dread seeing their ob-gyn again. I'll admit that seeing all the happy pregnant couples (& sometimes newborns) in the waiting room isn't always easy, but I've appreciated the continuity of care - and great care, at that. There are so few people who remember my pregnancy, and beyond me & dh, there's probably no one else who was so intimately involved with the details (even if he doesn't remember all of them now -- and who can blame him, 21 years and hundreds or even thousands of patients later).

(The fact that he moved his office to a different building a couple of years after my daughter's stillbirth has helped, I think. His old office had the ubiquitous newborn photos papering the walls, but there are no photos in new digs, aside from a few framed photos in his private office of his kids & grandkids, as well as a set of quintuplets (!!) he delivered in the early 1980s. I think he earned that one...!)

Sometimes we don't know when "the last time" we see certain people is going to be. I'm glad I knew this would be my last visit, and got to say goodbye and to tell Dr. B. & his staff how much I've appreciated their help and how much I'm going to miss them. As I said to him today, I wasn't always there for happy reasons, but I always appreciated the care I received.  I brought a card for them in which I thanked them for their support over the past 21 years, and let them know I've made a donation in their honour to the hospital foundation's programs for women & children.  There were hugs all round. :)

Another chapter of my past, closed....

#MicroblogMondays: We are amused :)

Today is Victoria Day, a statutory holiday unique to Canada that celebrates Queen Victoria's birthday & her role in our country's history. (Her birthday was actually May 24th, but as has become common in recent years, the powers-that-be changed the official holiday to ensure we get a long weekend in May to unofficially kick off summer.) 

Her Majesty, of course, was famous for supposedly saying, "We are not amused." But what's more amusing/fun than a long weekend?? 

I will admit that my life lately has not been particularly exciting... but here are a few things/small pleasures that are amusing me right now:  :) 

• Watching traditional Victoria Day fireworks in the neighbourhood every night this weekend from the windows/balcony of our condo (and there may be more later tonight). The kid in me still loves a good fireworks display. :)  
• Older Nephew's dog -- always entertaining. :) Got to spend some time spoiling him and taking him for a walk on Saturday. 
• After-dinner gelatos with dh, BIL & SIL on Saturday night. 
• Playing Internet detective & trying to track down some old school friends I've lost touch with via Google. 
• Following the reviews & social media reaction to the "Game of Thrones" finale -- even though I've never watched a single episode myself. ;)  
• Endless games of Spider Solitaire on my cellphone. 
• Watching reruns of "Bob's Burgers."
• Books. Always books. ;)  And spending time at the local bookstore (it was open today, even though most stores are closed).(New review coming shortly!) 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

They went there...

Yep, they went there. :p  As I feared, after 12 seasons, "The Big Bang Theory" ended -- with childfree-by-choice Penny not only pregnant (an "oops" pregnancy after a night out drinking at the Cheesecake Factory) -- but happy about it.

There was absolutely no explanation about her  sudden change of heart. Nothing to show us how Penny got from point A (adamantly childfree) to point B (happily pregnant).  Husband Leonard said something to Sheldon along the lines of  "She didn't want kids, and now she does."  Well, allrighty then... easy peasy...

Perhaps this abrupt shift in character development wouldn't have been quite so eyebrow-raising/infuriating if Penny wasn't the show's SECOND childfree-by-choice female character to wind up pregnant.  Howard's wife Bernadette also didn't want kids (perhaps even more vocally so than Penny) -- and yet wound up having not one but TWO.  And in a week full of bad news out of the U.S. about the extreme limits some states are trying to place on reproductive choice... it just left me very disappointed. (Not that I would expect an abortion discussion in the series finale of what is, after all, a comedy... but...)

I found several articles that agreed with me, or that at least pointed out that this was entirely out of character for Penny.  Said Vanity Fair:

The Penny story is not necessarily a problem on its own; some women do change their minds about wanting children after learning they’ve conceived by accident. The issue is how it all unfolded: viewers find out Penny has been secretly pregnant, and never see her find out the news or contemplate what it means for her. Instead, they see a character who has repeatedly stated her desire not to have children suddenly do an about-face for no discernible reason—cheerful and ready to bear children. Given the recent, alarming wave of punitive abortion restrictions cropping up across the country, including one that passed in Alabama just this week, this might might be the worst possible time to drop a story in which a female character gets accidentally pregnant and does not once contemplate her options... 

The uncharitable read on all this would be that both a female character’s emotional experience and the option of abortion were both rendered invisible to pay off a male character’s fantasy of getting his hot neighbor pregnant with his babies.

From Vulture:

...it’s hard to overstate how much this plot — which was surely intended as a sweet, hopeful end — instead comes off as thoughtless and tin-eared at best, dismissive and condescending at worst. In an otherwise heartwarming finale for these characters, after 12 years spent together on one of TV’s most popular shows, it’s infuriating and unfortunate that The Big Bang Theory would essentially erase a woman’s right to choose from her own narrative.

Of course, many viewers were ecstatic:  I saw lots of comments on Twitter and in news stories along the lines of "FINALLY!" and "It's about time!" Some were disappointed that Amy didn't announce a pregnancy too (oh, brother... she only just won the Nobel prize, but nope, her life is not complete...)(although we learned on a past episode of "Young Sheldon" that he & Amy do have children -- so that would have been a more "in character" pregnancy announcement than Penny's, in my mind).

Said one commenter on the Vulture story: "Until you decided to make it political it never even crossed my mind." (Seriously?) My own husband rolled his eyes at me when I moaned "OF COURSE" at the TV screen, and said he thought it was a sweet way to end the show.

I've loved this show, and there WERE some funny and touching moments in the finale.  It's just disappointing that the ending was so completely, utterly predictable and cliched (happy ending = MUST HAVE BABY!!).  SO MANY TV couples who struggle with infertility wind up with a "miracle" baby (even though we know that real-life "miracles" are not quite so frequent), and those who say they don't want children somehow wind up with them, and becoming cheerful, loving parents.  Just off the top of my head, I can think of Doug & Carrie in "The King of Queens" (in the series finale, they adopt a Chinese baby and immediately, before they even leave China, find out Carrie is pregnant);  "Rules of Engagement" (in the series finale, immediately after the birth of their baby via surrogacy, Audrey tells Jeff she's pregnant), and "How I Met Your Mother," in which the series ends with childfree-by-choice Robin marrying Ted after his wife dies and becoming stepmother to his two kids (= she gets to be a mom after all!). (I'm sure there are others!)

Women's lives are complex. Not all women want to be mothers. Not all women who want to be mothers get to be mothers. A happy ending does not always have to include a pregnancy/baby.
It would be nice, just once in a while, to see a few stories where the infertile couple winds up without children (and a good life regardless), and/or the childfree-by-choice characters remain childfree and happy.

Come on, Hollywood, surprise us!!