I was feeling a little more down in the dumps than usual last week -- and weepy. Example: just reading about the Olympics opening ceremonies on Friday morning (several hours before they actually started!!) got me reaching for the kleenex. I chalked it up to hormones (Aunt Flo visiting). Spent the weekend cleaning house, doing laundry, not eating or sleeping particularly well. Woke up yesterday morning at 6 (!) & when I couldn't get back to sleep, got up around 7. Spent WAY too much time on the computer yesterday, pursuing my ancestors on Ancestry.com ; ) (and did so slouched on the couch with my laptop -- not the best posture :p). And around bedtime I was hungry, but ultimately decided to go to bed without eating anything.
Woke up this
morning & I felt awful -- headache, stomach didn't feel right, a bit
queasy. Not sure if it was something I ate, or didn't eat, sleep deprivation,
lingering hormones from AF's visit :p or what. Took my shower, hoping that would wake me up a bit, but I
still felt awful -- so I called in sick (left a message on my manager's voice mail) & went back to bed. Felt better (albeit not quite 100%) after sleeping for a few more hours & having some breakfast. It's only my second sick day of the year, so I
am trying not to feel too guilty.
I have to wonder, though, how much of how I've been feeling is psychological. Now, I've been feeling pretty good lately about myself, my childlessness, my prospects for a comfortable early retirement, even about work.
But the elephant in the corner of the room, of course, is that it's that time of year again, and Aug. 5 & 7 are fast approaching. Usually, dh & I are on vacation the last two weeks of July, visiting my parents, and that tends to distract me from the reality of August looming on the calendar -- but we're going later this year, and I guess I have been consciously & unconsciously seeking other distractions.
I remind myself that it's been 14 years, that I still wound up with a good life and so much to be thankful for, that it's only a day(s) on the calendar, and Katie is always with us. For the most part, time has softened the blunt edges of raw hurt.
But some years, Aug. 5 &/or 7 are better or worse than others, for whatever reason (not always evident). Some years, Aug. 5 is harder than Aug. 7, & sometimes it's the other way around. And I never really know what it's going to be like & how I'm going to feel until it's here.
As a precaution (& also because I have a lot of unused vacation time I'm in danger of losing), dh & I are taking an extra-long five-day weekend coming up -- taking off Friday & Tuesday (Monday is a civic holiday).
August already? Gulp.