"Childless Mother"

I found this poem online, many years ago, when I was first coming to terms with a childless future, and shared it with the email list I posted about recently in 2001.  I found it again when I was going through some old posts to the list this week.  I am not sure whether I have the correct line breaks here, as the formatting has gotten a bit garbled in translation from one computer to another over the years...!

When I started my blog in October 2007, one of the blog names I strongly considered was "Childless Mother," because of this poem.

Childless Mother

I am a childless mother.
There is an empty hole in my heart
Where my child is supposed to be.
Where there should be squeals and laughter
There is nothing but mind-numbing silence.
And look, there, in the corner sitting idly,
Waiting, is a child's rocker, my rocker –
The rocker that I used to sit in and imagine
Rocking my baby instead of just a doll.
And I realize, that as empty as that rocker seems,
My arms feel even heavier with the emptiness.
How can emptiness feel so heavy?
That emptiness carries my broken dreams,
My disappointments, my resentment.
Flutterby kisses never shared,
Laughter never heard,
Tears never brushed away
All weigh more than a child ever will.
There is an empty hole in my heart
Where my child is supposed to be.
I am a childless mother.

Louise C. Taylor (1997)