Looks like it will be pretty quiet. (Am I surprised?) Same old story.
StepMIL called last night with an invitation for Easter dinner -- with her & FIL, & the rest of her extended family, at her sister's (well over an hour's drive away). They are extremely nice people & we appreciated the invitation -- but we did it once a few years ago, & that was enough. They're not OUR family -- and to be honest, I'm not especially sure I'm up to a large social gathering right now -- having to put on a bright, happy face -- especially one with no control over the menu, given what the last week or two of food-related reactions & anxiety have been like for me.
Dh didn't want to go -- & actually used me as an excuse -- said I haven't been feeling well because of food allergies & have to be careful what I eat until we figure out what I can have & what I can't. StepMIL always mixes things up & I'm not sure FIL (who is hard of hearing & whose English is limited) totally understood. Who knows what I'll wind up being diagnosed with by the time the news gets around the family, lol.
Dh proposed we come to see them on Saturday night instead (which happens to be his birthday) -- but they will be at youngest stepBIL's, celebrating HIS birthday, which is also this weekend.
Of course, you may recall that stepBIL is also the father of stepMIL's 7-month-old only grandchild. His first birthday as a daddy!! Case closed.
So unless BIL & family want to come over, it will just be me & dh for his entire birthday/Easter weekend. His family generally doesn't make much of a fuss over birthdays anyway, & I guess I should be used to it by now -- but it just bugs me sometimes.
The whole blended family thing (especially when combined with our childlessness) sure makes for some strange situations sometimes. (Not only do I have inlaws to contend with, I have the inlaws' inlaws...!)
I think that (once I get my food allergies sorted out & can eat away from home again with some degree of confidence) dh & I need to start going away somewhere on holiday weekends, like Easter, & Thanksgiving. (We've always spent Christmas with my family, so those two seem to be the worst/hardest of the major holidays for us -- well, me! -- to deal with.) I feel like we're left at loose ends way too often. I just don't have the space (or, I'll admit, the nerves! -- especially right now!) to invite all of his family over -- & I'm not going to cook an entire turkey dinner for just the two of us. He's not keen on eating out at the best of times and he HATES waiting for anything, especially food!! so no point in trying to go for Easter brunch anywhere (we've tried). So maybe a weekend at a nice country inn or resort or something...
I don't know quite why I'm feeling so pissed off about the whole thing -- when I'll freely admit that I don't want to host myself, I'm not wild about the idea of spending an entire day with stepMIL's family (nice as they are), and I don't particularly want to be around alot of people & strange food right now anyway.
I think it all goes back to that feeling of "otherness," of being excluded, that I've felt just about all my life. Growing up & moving every 3-5 years, I was always the "new kid." I was smart, not pretty or athletic. When I got married, I was the only "mangiacake" in a family of Italians. Now I'm the only (or one of the few) childless (especially not by choice) women, navigating my way through a sea of pregnant bellies & toddlers in mega-strollers.
I'm tired of waiting around for his family to decide what they (= we) are doing -- &, more often than not, having so many holiday weekends wind up being just like any other. I want to feel like I have something to celebrate, to look forward to.
I want holidays to feel special again, like they were when I was little. (Or just special, period.) Aside from Christmas, which (despite infertility & loss) still manages to hold some of its meaning & charm for me, most holidays haven't been special that way in a long time -- and they won't ever be, unless we (I) do something to make it that way.
A weekend at a country inn sounds nice. I think it will help. But it won't ever completely fill the hole in my heart.
Here's what I really wish I was doing this weekend.
I want to be colouring Easter eggs, & making Easter baskets, & hiding chocolate rabbits, & buying little pastel dresses, & fuzzy white bunny ears, & sitting around the table with my family having roast pork or ham & scalloped potatoes, & maybe a few games of cards afterwards.
A few people that I've whined to about this have told me they would LOVE to be able to blow off their family obligations this weekend & spend it by themselves. I guess the grass is always greener, etc. etc.
But it's hard sometimes.
I feel cheated, damnit. :(