"Coming out" as childless/free

October 11th was National Coming Out Day in the United States, marking the anniversary of the 1987 National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights. According to Wikipedia: 

National Coming Out Day (NCOD) is an annual LGBT awareness day observed on October 11, to support lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) people (and sometimes other groups typically grouped within the LGBT community) to "come out of the closet". First celebrated in the United States in 1988, the initial idea was grounded in the feminist and gay liberation spirit of the personal being political, and the emphasis on the most basic form of activism being coming out to family, friends and colleagues, and living life as an openly lesbian or gay person. The foundational belief is that homophobia thrives in an atmosphere of silence and ignorance, and that once people know that they have loved ones who are lesbian or gay, they are far less likely to maintain homophobic or oppressive views.

HRC (Human Rights Campaign) says 

...one of our most basic tools is the power of coming out. One out of every two Americans has someone close to them who is gay or lesbian. For transgender people, that number is only one in 10.

Coming out — whether it is as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer — STILL MATTERS. When people know someone who is LGBTQ, they are far more likely to support equality under the law. Beyond that, our stories can be powerful to each other.

In honor of National Coming Out Day, HRC celebrates all who have come out as LGBTQ – that takes bravery, and we commend you. Every person who speaks up changes more hearts and minds, and creates new advocates for equality.

The Awareness Days entry for NCOD says: 

There is no question that homophobia and ignorance builds on silence so it is time to end that silence. Being proud of who you are and who you live will make you happier within yourself. Research has shown that if somebody KNOWS somebody who is part of the LGBT community, they are much less likely to be homophobic.

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Now, I'm not "coming out" as LGBTQ.  :)  I'm happily heterosexual (or cis-gender, or whatever the current terminology is). 

But I think there is a lot that many of us within the childless-not-by-choice (& likely also the childfree by choice) community relate to when we talk about the LGBTQ community, and "coming out."  People without children may be a minority group -- but we're a large, growing and unrecognized one (not to mention often misunderstood). As CNBCers, we have struggled to define who we are, if we aren't parents, to make our presence and voices and unique concerns heard within highly pronatalist societies, and to assert our rights to fair and equal treatment in the workplace vis-a-vis parents. In doing so, we've drawn strength and inspiration from examples of the LGBTQ rights movement and other social justice movements that have worked to bring greater equality to under-recognized and under-supported minority groups. Some of us have talked about the parallels, and our belief that, as a community, as a movement, childless and childfree people today are where the civil rights movement was in the 1960s, and the gay rights movement was in the 1970s & 80s.  Jody Day of Gateway Women has called us "the biggest diversity group HR has never heard of."   

Some CNBCers have spoken or written about "coming out" to our friends and family members. This was the subject of discussion recently on a private forum I belong to. 

I said that I think "coming out," for us, is a somewhat different thing than "coming out" as LGBTQ. (Would our use of "coming out" qualify as co-opting LGBTQ language? I wonder, would they resent others using this terminology? Or maybe they don't care?) People might suspect that their son or daughter or sibling or friend or co-worker is LGBTQ -- but there's no way of knowing for certain unless that person chooses to "come out of the closet" and tell you. 

As a CNBCer, most of the people in my life know I don't have children. Those who don't know usually ask & find out pretty quickly. My lack of children may be something that I find difficult to talk about sometimes, I may (still) feel a certain amount of shame about it -- but it's not a secret;  it's not something that I try to hide. (You won't get very far pretending to be a parent, right?)  So I don't think the simple fact of telling someone I have no children qualifies as "coming out" as CNBC. 

What do we mean when we talk about "coming out" as a childless/free person, then?  I suppose different people might have different qualifying criteria. (If you've been trying to conceive but decided not to continue with fertility treatments or adoption efforts, and then break that news to your family, I think that might qualify as "coming out.") What am I telling people when I tell them that I don't have children? What do they THINK I'm telling them?  What do they think they know about me when they hear that?  What kind of a picture do they get about my life?  And how accurate is it? 

Because, of course, there are sooooo many stereotypes that parents have about people without children. You know: we didn't want kids. Or maybe we wanted them -- but not badly enough to try IVF, or to adopt, or to use a donor egg or hire a surrogate. We're selfish. We're focused on our careers. We have lots of money!  Our time is our own!  We can sleep in on weekends! We can take fabulous trips!  (At least, in non-COVID times.) We can do whatever we want, when we want!  

Maybe they don't know that we did want children, very badly. Or maybe they know, but they don't know the full story of why we didn't -- that we never met the right partner to have a baby with. Or that we struggled with infertility &/or pregnancy loss -- how many rounds of IVF we did, or how much money it cost us, how many mornings we got up at 4 a.m. to make it to the clinic for bloodwork and ultrasounds and still make it into the office relatively on time. Do they know how many miscarriages we had, or how long we waited on the adoption list before withdrawing our names? Do they understand how difficult it is for you, still, to attend that baby shower?  

To me, "coming out" as a childless/free person means speaking out, frankly, to the people in our lives about the realities of childless/free living, both the good and the bad. Screwing up the courage to confront them about these stereotypes and correct their misguided assumptions. Educating them about the reality of our lives and our childlessness, and how it has affected us. Confronting them with the privileged (yes, privileged) role they enjoy as parents. Helping them to understand the pronatalism we face and how difficult it is to live without children -- even by choice -- in this kind of atmosphere. Enlightening them that being childless is not all about sleeping in and having extra money to spend, and that yes, as a matter of fact, we DO mind that it's always us working overtime and coming into the office over Christmas week while they spend time with their families. (We have families we like to spend time with too, even if they don't include kids that we gave birth to or parent.) 

These can be... are... difficult conversations to have. 

Do I practice what I preach? Am I "out of the closet"?  Do I speak my truth and live authentically and openly as a childless-not-by-choice person.  

I have to admit... ummm... no. Not entirely. I'm getting better at doing it, as I get older. But there are others who are far more open about their childlessness and the impact it has had on their lives. 

Someone on the forum where we were discussing this mentioned "coming out" in terms of (nervously) sharing some CNBC content on social media during World Childless Week -- and being surprised by the supportive responses she received. "Coming out" on social media is certainly one way of doing it -- and it's not quite so direct/in your face as confronting people personally... so perhaps it's a good way to dip your toe in the water, so to speak. I have posted and shared a few things around Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, and our daughter's "anniversary" dates -- and I too have been surprised by the number of "likes" and "hearts" and sympathetic comments I've received.  For some reason, I find it easier to post about my stillborn daughter and pregnancy loss generally than about being childless, though. Clearly, I have further progress to make on this front...! 

My blog is certainly one place where I can be the authentic childless me. Some people choose to "come out" by being open with their family & friends about their blog and about their involvement in the childless/free community. There are only a few of my "real life" family & friends who know about my blog, although a few have stumbled onto it by accident -- and one posted the link to one of my posts on our family Facebook group (!).  When that happened (8 years ago now), I panicked & took my blog offline for a few days until the dust settled. These days I'm a little more laid back on the subject (I think?) -- although I'm still not handing out the URL, lol.  

By and large, we probably have more to gain than to lose by being honest with ourselves and those around us about the truth of our childless lives. But at the same time, we have to recognize that everyone's situation and comfort level is different.  I don't think we owe it to anyone but ourselves to "come out." We don't owe explanations to anyone. It's your right to choose who gets the privilege of hearing your story, and how much of it. (The director's cut with all the gory details, or the Reader's Digest version?) 

I'm still mulling this all over... these are just a few initial thoughts. I would love to hear what you think!