#MicroblogMondays: "Diversify your identity"

A fellow CNBCer shared this article on a private forum recently. It's about identity and how so many of us wrap ourselves and our sense of value and self-worth up in one particular idea of who we are supposed to be -- a successful business man, a professional athlete.

"If you invest all of your identity in one basket, then you put your self-esteem and emotional well-being at risk," the article says.

"Many of us get fixated on certain aspects of our identity more than others. Social pressures can also force us into over-identifying with a certain aspect of our identity, which then drowns out other areas of our lives."

The article quotes Tim Ferriss, author of "The 4-Hour Work Week," who mentions a concept called “identity diversification:”

When you have money, it’s always smart to diversify your investments. That way if one of them goes south, you don’t lose everything. It’s also smart to diversify your identity, to invest your self-esteem and what you care about into a variety of different areas — business, social life, relationships, philanthropy, athletics — so that when one goes south, you’re not completely screwed over and emotionally wrecked.

Of course, the woman who posted this article (and those of us who read it) viewed it through the lens of infertility and childlessness. For all the progress women have made in so many spheres, many of us still stake a huge part of our identity and self-worth on motherhood and our children. What happens when that particular part of our life vanishes (when the children grow up and leave the nest) -- or (in the case of infertility & loss) never materializes to begin with?

Read the article & tell me -- what do you think?

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

"The Vagina Bible" by Jen Gunter, M.D.

If you haven't been following Dr. Jen Gunter on social media, you should be. :)

I will admit to a small bit of bias when it comes to Dr. Jen: she is from Winnipeg, Manitoba (my home province) and attended medical school at both of my alma maters --  the University of Manitoba and the University of Western Ontario (albeit a few years after I graduated from both institutions).

Moreover, from an ALI perspective, Dr. Jen is "one of us."  She lost one of triplets during her pregnancy, and her other two sons -- now teenagers -- were born extremely premature.

"I found separating the facts from the fiction difficult and I am a doctor, so I started thinking if this is hard for me how does everyone else manage?" she writes in her online bio. "It put the bad information that my own patients were bringing into the office in perspective. I know people sit up late at night Googling things and fall down rabbit holes of misinformation because I’ve been there!"

After writing "The Preemie Primer," based on her experiences with her sons, she decided to turn her attention to reproductive health, "because it seems the Internet is infested with snake oil and malignant misinformation." She first came to public attention when she began challenging the "wellness" industry -- in particular Gwyneth Paltrow's business Goop, and its promotion of jade eggs, coffee enemas, vaginal steaming and the like. More recently, she's been an outspoken advocate of reproductive choice in response to draconian new laws being enacted in the United States (including refuting outrageous claims about ectopic pregnancies being made by certain politicians).

If you're in Canada, you can watch "Jensplaining" on CBC's Gem streaming service: 10 episodes of 10-15 minutes each, tackling topics such as menstruation, menopause, childbirth, vaginas, sex, weight loss, vaccines and beauty products.  Dr. Jen provides facts, debunks myths, smashes taboos and questions the patriarchy -- all with humour and plain old common sense. I've watched all 10 episodes on my laptop, and loved every one of them.

Last month came Dr. Jen's latest book:  "The Vagina Bible: The Vulva and the Vagina: Separating the Myth from the Medicine." This is her area of expertise, and it shows.  It's a thorough, detailed, entirely readable and easy to understand book (written in non-jargony language) about every aspect of this often-misunderstood part of the female anatomy, which debunks myths, educates and empowers readers.  Some of the topics covered include definitions/an anatomy lesson, cleaning & maintenance, menstruation, menopause, sexually transmitted infections, conditions (everything from yeast infections to pelvic organ prolapse) and symptoms.

I particularly loved the last section, "Putting It All Together," in which Dr. Jen gives us a peek inside her medicine cabinet, tells us how she'd edit ours, advises us on getting reputable health information from the Internet, and challenges some persistent myths/old wives' tales. (Sample: On coffee enemas for anything (!):  "Dear God, no... I. Just. Can't. Even.  First of all, this is a waste of good coffee.")

Says Dr. Jen:

The patriarchy and snake oil have had a good run, but I'm done with how they negatively affect and weaponize women's health. So I am not going to stop swinging my bat until everyone has the tools to be an empowered patient and those who seek to subjugate women by keeping them from facts about their bodies have shut up and taken a seat in the back of class. 

That's my vagenda.

This is one of those books, like "Taking Charge of Your Fertility," that I wish I had had when I was growing up and starting to learn about my body, and one that I think all women need to read, or have on hand to dip into when they have questions. (Men would learn a thing or three or ten if they read it too.) It's a fabulous and much-needed resource that deserves to be widely read and shared. We need more Dr. Jens.... and I hope she will be writing many more books like this one in the future.

Five stars on Goodreads.

This was book #34 that I have read in 2019 to date, bringing me to 142% (!) of my 2019 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 24 books.  I have completed my challenge for the year -- currently 10 books beyond my  goal -- and I have surpassed my reading total for 2018 by 7 books.  :)

"She Said" by Jodi Kantor & Megan Twohey

"She Said: Breaking the Sexual Harassment Story That Helped Ignite a Movement" by Jodi Kantor and Megan Twohey was one of those books that I snatched up as soon as I saw it on the bookstore shelf, and dived into reading as soon as I had finished my current book. It's not a terribly long book (260 pages of text), and it was a compelling read. I blazed through it in just a few days. 

"She Said" is the story of how these two New York Times reporters investigated longstanding allegations of serial sexual abuse against  Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein, culminating in a ground-breaking story published on October 5, 2017. There are no huge new revelations here (although several previously anonymous sources agreed to go on the record and be named in this book for the first time).  It's a behind the scenes look at how these two fine journalists pursued their story, cultivated their sources and encouraged them to go "on the record," uncovered disturbing patterns of behaviour that occurred over decades, and gradually built the case that led to Weinstein's downfall. 

The book also chronicles the fallout from their reporting, the rise of the #MeToo movement and other related stories, including Christine Blasey Ford's allegations against Brett Kavanaugh during his Supreme Court confirmation hearings in September 2018.

As a one-time journalist/communicator myself, books like this are like catnip to me. :)  These women are as much my heroes (heroines?) now as Woodward & Bernstein were to me when I was a teenager. :)  Several reviewers, in fact, have drawn parallels between this book and Woodward & Bernstein's classic "All the President's Men" (reviewed here). Both books are classic case studies in how journalists do their jobs. (The technology used may have changed, but the basic techniques have not.)

Some reviewers have questioned the inclusion of Christine Blasey Ford's case in this book (as another example of women's testimony challenging powerful men, in the wake of the Weinstein revelations). I will admit, I felt like this was stretching the story out a bit -- but the behind-the-scenes look at Ford's decisions to come forward and then to testify, and her trip to Washington to do so, was irresistible.  Likewise, the final chapter -- a meeting Kantor & Twohey convened with many of their main sources at Gwyneth Paltrow's home in Hollywood to compare notes and share what had happened to them since the Times' stories were published -- might have been a little contrived, but it was still amazing to read about. (Oh, to be a fly on the wall...!)  It also reminded me of the comfort -- and power -- women who have gone through similar traumatic experiences gain when they find each other & tell their stories -- both online & in "real life" -- something those of us in the ALI community know very well! 

Five stars on Goodreads

This was book #33 that I have read in 2019 to date, bringing me to 138% (!) of my 2019 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 24 books.  I have completed my challenge for the year -- currently 9 books beyond my  goal -- and I have surpassed my reading total for 2018 by 6 books.  :)

#MicroblogMondays: Getting ready

Yesterday afternoon, we picked up SIL to go see the "Downton Abbey" movie (if you loved the TV series, you'll love the movie), & then dropped her off again later. We went into the house to say hi to BIL, & he urged us to go upstairs & see the progress they'd made on the baby's room.  (Older Nephew & his wife have been living in the basement, but will be moving upstairs once the baby arrives in mid-November, taking over the two bedrooms that were once occupied by both Older & Younger Nephews.)

It's not finished yet (with a little under two months to go till due date)... but it's coming along. Between them, Older Nephew & BIL have painted the room in two different/complementary shades of grey-blue (and Pregnant Niece-in-Law, who has a degree in fine arts, plans to paint a mural on one of them). BIL found, bought & installed a light fixture shaped like an airplane. The comfy rocking chair we'd bought them as a gift sat in the corner. There's an IKEA cube shelf fixture full of toys & children's books that belonged to Older Nephew & his brother (some of them gifts from dh & me).

The crib and chest of drawers they'd ordered arrived last week.  BIL & dh picked it up and hauled it all upstairs, piece by piece, and BIL & Older Nephew assembled it. There's no mattress or bedding yet. 

It's beautiful.

I gave dh a bit of a hug as we stood there, looking at that crib. 21 years ago, during that brief time of reprieve, when we got an all-clear on our amniocentisis results after weeks of anxiety and uncertainty, we'd gone looking at nursery furniture, but hadn't yet ordered anything when our world came crashing down around us.

I closed my eyes and felt tears sting, briefly, thinking of the baby and the nursery that never materialized.

And then I thought about the new little great-nephew who (God willing, and knock loudly on wood) will be sleeping in this very crib in another several weeks. And I opened my eyes, and smiled.

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

"Up Beaver Creek" by Sue Fagalde Lick

"Up Beaver Creek" by Sue Fagalde Lick is this month's selection at the Gateway Women private community's book club (online discussion coming up next weekend).  Sue is a fellow CNBC-er who blogs at Childless by Marriage (as well as Unleashed in Oregon), and the author of several books.

Those familiar with Sue's blogs will recognize that "Up Beaver Creek" is drawn from her own life experiences. As the book begins, our heroine, Cissy Soares -- recently widowed, 42 years old and childless -- has quit her hospital job in Missoula, Montana, put her belongings in storage, rented out her house, cut her hair, gotten a tattoo, changed her name to P.D., and headed to Oregon with the goal of starting a new life and becoming a singer. She winds up house-sitting near the coastal town of Newport, for a landlord who promptly disappears into the ether, leaving her to deal with quirky neighbours, cranky cats, power outages, intermittent cellphone service, leaky roofs -- and other, more consequential disasters. 

The pace was a bit slow to start, as P.D. gradually settles into her new life, but things pick up midway through, and I found myself zooming through the last few chapters to find out what happened next.  I was initially thinking 3-3.5 stars, but I ultimately gave it 4 stars on Goodreads. :) 

I've vacationed in Cannon Beach on the Oregon Coast (about 2.5 hours north of Newport) several times, and it's one of my favourite vacation spots ever (the ominous tsunami evacuation route signs notwithstanding...!) -- so I had a pretty clear picture of the area Sue was describing. I will admit I was probably predisposed to like this book on that point alone.  ;) 

What I really like & appreciate about this book is its honest depiction of life as a single, widowed, childless woman, rebuilding her life, coping with all kinds of problems by herself, and finding an inner strength she didn't know she had. I am fortunate enough to be married, but Sue's depiction of P.D.'s grief over the loss of her husband and the life she thought she'd have with him was spot on and something I could very much relate to.  Heroines like P.D. are far & few between;  books with characters like her that don't wind up with a wedding (although there are hints of possible romance in the future) &/or a baby are rare indeed. :) 

This was book #32 that I have read in 2019 to date, bringing me to 133% (!) of my 2019 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 24 books.  I have completed my challenge for the year -- currently 8 books beyond my  goal -- and I have surpassed my reading total for 2018 by 5 books.  :)

Haystack Rock, a Cannon Beach (Oregon Coast) landmark.
(Taken from our hotel, just north of  the town of Cannon Beach proper,
in August 2005, the last time I was there (too long ago now...!).)
When the tide is out, you can walk out to the rock and look at the starfish, anemones and other sea life.  

#MicroblogMondays: Odds & ends

• I saw a comment on Twitter this week referencing "the Caroline Calloway essay" and had NO clue what they were talking about (or who Caroline Calloway was, for starters -- how about you??). After seeing several such posts, I did some Googling and came up with this piece from New York Magazine's The Cut.  I was reminded of when I first started hearing about the Kardashians -- who were these people, and why should I care?  I eventually found out who they were (unfortunately, lol) -- but I still don't care (lol) and I'm really not sure why others do.  
• A childless friend mentioned she'd recently confided in a co-worker about her sadness over not having children or grandchildren to look forward to. The response? "Yep, nothing compares to your kids and grandkids." !!!  It's hard not having what comes to others so easily, but comments like this -- the total, utter lack of empathy -- makes it so, SO much worse...! 
• A relative was tagged by one of her other friends in a group photo on social media this past weekend. (Glasses of wine were being raised.)  I don't want to quote the caption in full here, but it was a gushing tribute to "mommy friends" (including a "blessed" hashtag). (I also recently got to listen to another relative rave about the group of mom friends SHE's connected with and travelled to Florida with on a girls trip.)  
• Part of me was rolling my eyes at the "mommy friends" label. But yes, I'll admit, part of me was jealous. (The post went "unliked" by me.)  What must it be like to have a ready-made source of (at least potential) friendships like that? As a woman without children, I will never know...
• Did you know this is the third annual World Childless Week? Every year I have great intentions of doing some special blog posts in line with the week's themes... and every year... oh well...! ;)  Thankfully, others have not dropped the ball.  ;)  Go to the WCW website to learn more about all the good stuff that's going on -- including webinars (listening to one right now as I prep this post), blog posts and special WCW meetups (many of them happening in the UK -- you lucky women!).  Jody Day has a blog post summarizing some of the WCW events & activities too.  
• World Childless Week is also the subject of the latest episode of The Full Stop podcast episode. Tune in to hear hosts Berenice, Sarah & Michael chat with WCW founder Stephanie Phillips and several of the WCW champions.  
• In the sad and sadly growing category of "The Musical Icons of My Youth are Dropping Like Flies:"  I read last night that Ric Ocasek of the Cars had passed away. The Cars' first album came out in the summer of 1978 (a fabulous year for music), just as I was going into my final (senior) year of high school.  I played it to death, and it remains one of my all-time favourites (and their second, "Candy-O," is pretty fabulous too). Put it on, if you want to put a smile on my face. Sheer perfection. 
• In the same sad category:  Eddie Money also died this weekend. :(   "Two Tickets to Paradise" (my favourite of his),  "Baby Hold On" and (later) "Take Me Home Tonight" (with Ronnie Spector) were huge hits in my youth. I was lucky enough to see him in his prime. In my memory, it was an all-day concert in the early 1980s -- but I did some Googling, and it turns out it was actually almost exactly 40 years ago -- late August 1979, the weekend before I headed off to university. Canadian rock icon & local hero Burton Cummings was the headliner, along with local band Harlequin (who played at our high school dances) and another Canadian band, Max Webster (with Kim Mitchell, who later had a solo career, and later still DJ-d the afternoon show on our local classic rock radio station). Four great bands/singers, all for $10!! I think I remember it as an all-day concert, because there was no assigned seating, so we drove into the city early and spent several hours lined up outside the venue in order to snag a good spot, once the doors finally opened.  We sat on a blanket on the concrete sidewalk and played cards to pass the time. (No cellphones in those days, kids!)  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

"American Carnage" by Tim Alberta

While I was able to whiz through Margaret Atwood's "The Testaments" in under 24 hours (review here), it took me a full month & a half to slog my way through "American Carnage: On the Front Lines of the Republican Civil War and the Rise of President Trump"  by Tim Alberta, the chief political correspondent for Politico magazine.

The book has been well reviewed, both in the media and on reader forums such as Goodreads (current average rating 4.21 stars).  I gave it four stars on Goodreads myself.  I found it interesting -- full of great tidbits and insights -- well written and well sourced, with contributions from (among others) John Boehner, Paul Ryan, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Jeff Flake, Mitt Romney and Will Hurd. It's a compelling explanation of how American politics evolved (devolved?) over the past decade or so to its current sorry state.

But... it was LONG -- almost 700 pages (!) -- including more than 600 pages of text, plus acknowledgements, footnotes and index. Plus, it wasn't just 700 pages -- it was 700 pages ABOUT TRUMP. I rest my case, lol. (I was amused to turn to the acknowledgements section at the end and find it began with a "Whew" and an apology for the lengthiness, lol. As a long-winded writer myself, I could relate...!) There were also some typos throughout the book that detracted from my enjoyment of it somewhat. (Do publishers not send books to proofreaders anymore these days??  I am seeing so many more errors than I used to lately...!) Thus, four stars and not five.

The book is pretty much as the subtitle summarizes:  a detailed, critical look at the power struggles within the Republican party in the age of Trump. It begins with the election of Barack Obama in 2008, details the rise of Donald Trump and how the Republican Party establishment gradually bent itself to his will, and ends with the 2018 midterm elections and their fallout into early 2019.  As the book's description on Goodreads puts it:

How did a party obsessed with the national debt vote for trillion-dollar deficits and record-setting spending increases? How did the party of compassionate conservatism become the party of Muslim bans and walls? How did the party of family values elect a thrice-divorced philanderer? And, most important, how long can such a party survive?

It's both amusing and eye-rolling to read quotes from prominent Republicans who denounced Trump, pre-nomination and election in 2015-16 -- only to wind up, post-election, either strangely silent, praising him (*cough* Lindsay Graham), and/or even serving in his White House (e.g., Mike Pence, Reince Priebus, Mick Mulvaney...).

It was somewhat mind-numbing to read through the litany of Trump's/the Republicans' triumphs and disasters over the past several years, however well-chronicled.

And it was chilling to read former Speaker John Boehner's prediction, in the book's epilogue, that it will take another 9/11 -- or something even more catastrophic -- to restore Americans' sense of national unity and purpose.

Let's hope not. But overall, the book's sobering message is clear: it's going to take some time -- perhaps a long time -- for the pendulum of American politics to swing back to a more reasoned, moderate mode.

This was book #31 that I have read in 2019 to date, bringing me to 129% (!) of my 2019 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 24 books.  I have completed my challenge for the year -- currently seven (7) books beyond my  goal -- and I have surpassed my reading total for 2018 by 4 books.  :)