"Fletcher's End" by D.E. Stevenson (re-read)

My D.E. Stevenson fan group just finished our group reading & discussion of "Fletchers End," the sequel to "Bel Lamington," which we read together earlier this year (my reviews of that one here and here). I read through the book earlier on my own, and my initial review can be found here.

The book opens as Bel is busy with preparations for her wedding to her former boss, Ellis Brownlee, and hunting for the perfect house where they can begin their life together. Her friend Louise Armstrong discovers Fletchers End, an old home now for sale, conveniently near her own. The house has been sadly neglected, but the seller is "motivated" (as realtors say today) and the price is right. They buy the house, hire the current housekeeper/caretaker, and plunge into renovations -- but a visit from the previous owner, Roy Lestrange, casts an uneasy shadow over their happiness...  

"Fletchers End" includes many of the elements of a typical D.E. Stevenson novel. There's really not a whole lot that happens, and the story meanders from one episode/crisis point to another (with a happy ending practically a guarantee), but there are some lovely descriptive passages, gentle humour and well-drawn characters (although I still find Bel's friend Louise rather annoying!). This includes, of course, the house itself!  (apparently based on a real house that Stevenson's son lived in).  :)  And, as usual, our group discussion added to my appreciation of the book. 

(Annoying thing/Pronatalism alert:  The one caveat to that last sentence:  near the end of the book, after receiving some shocking news, Bel faints. I had to roll my eyes when one member of the group asked whether anyone else -- besides herself -- thought Bel fainted because she was pregnant. Many people agreed with her -- despite no other evidence that this was the case -- and were excited by the prospect of a pregnancy for Bel. Sigh...)(Pregnancy was, of course, how many books of the day about newlyweds ended, and fainting as a precursor to a pregnancy announcement was certainly a trope of the time, but...!)   

Content warning: Casual use of a racist expression in Chapter 10 that would be considered highly taboo today. 

My original rating -- 3 stars on Goodreads & StoryGraph -- still stands.  

Coming up next on our group's reading agenda: "Miss Buncle’s Book," first published in 1934, considered a minor classic by some today. (Start date TBA.) 

This was Book #25 read to date in 2024 (and Book #1 finished in September), bringing me to 56%  of my 2024 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 6 (!) books behind schedule to meet my goal. :(  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2024 tagged as "2024 books."    

#MicroblogMondays: It's World Childless Week! Day One: Our Stories

(Reposted with updates and additions from a previous WCW-related post dated September 12, 2022.)  

World Childless Week is here!  -- an entire week filled with inspiring and comforting things to read, watch, listen to and participate in, focused on a different topic/theme each day (and new material posted daily too). If you miss some of the live webinars, don't worry;  they are posted on the WCW website later in the day/week to be enjoyed and consulted indefinitely. (Previous years' WCW content is also available onsite -- what a great resource for our community!) 

As usual, I didn't manage to get my act together to write something new -- but I did participate in this year's very first webinar this morning! (more on that below!) -- and I'm always happy to promote WCW here. A couple of years ago, it occurred to me that I've already covered many of the WCW topics in my blog over the almost (gulp) 17 years I've been writing here. So each day this week, it will be my intention to post about the day's topic here, with some links to some of my own writing on the subject (if I have written about it in the past). (Some of the content I wrote for previous years' WCW summary posts may be repurposed for this year's posts.) 

Enjoy! :) 

*** *** *** 

Day One is focused on the theme "Our Stories" (as it usually is).  

Our voices are often unheard and dismissed and our stories are twisted by the media to reflect their desired outcome rather than the gritty reality we face. Society often assumes we all have issues that can be resolved through IVF, adoption and “just relaxing”. Our stories are important as they explain the reality of why we find ourselves as childless, the emotions we have to face and the grief that sits in our heart. If you are childless not by choice, due to infertility, circumstance, chance or tough choices, you can share your story here with confidence.  

We may not have travelled the same path but we’ve all arrived at the same destination; no matter how dark you have felt, we’ve been there too, and we understand. 

I'm a firm believer in the power of telling our stories (if only to each other, at least at first). Meetings of the pregnancy loss support group that dh & I used to facilitate would always begin by going around the room and having each person introduce themselves and tell us their story, what brought them to us. Sometimes (especially at first), the stories would be long, detailed and filled with tears. Over time, new details would emerge that we hadn't heard before. And we'd learn to develop a shortened "Reader's Digest" version of our story, which left more time for the longer stories (plus, over time, the "regulars" would all get to know each other and each others' stories pretty well, so it wasn't quite as necessary or important to go through all the details for the umpteenth time). 

Telling and retelling our stories to each other like this, week after week, in a supportive environment among others who had similar stories to tell, was good practice for handling those inevitable innocent questions and awkward encounters that all of us experience, sooner or later. In training sessions, we also learned that telling our stories, or some version of them -- over and over and over again -- helps us to process what happened. 

I think the same principles apply to our stories about our childlessness.  Our stories matter, because they're OURS, and because by telling them, we light the way for other childless women looking for support and comfort.  Our stories remind each other that we are not alone.  

This entire blog, of course, is my story :) (or at least parts of/a version of it) and it has evolved, along with my story, over the past 17 years.  A barebones, thumbnail version of my story can be found in the "About me" Blogger profile near the top of this page on the right-hand side (or in the link here). You can find a slightly longer version in the "About me" page (found just under the title/header of this blog). The "Timeline" page (link right beside the "About me" link) also gives you an idea of how my story unfolded and some of the significant dates & events. 

If you're really interested in all the gory details (and be forewarned, some of them ARE a bit gory, emotionally if not physically), I wrote a series of posts tagged "1998 memories" in which I relived my one doomed pregnancy, 10 years after the fact. I did the same thing with "The Treatment Diaries," all about our foray into infertility treatments, 10 years after we abandoned them and resigned ourselves to permanent childlessness. 

I also wrote a few posts shortly after I started this blog, where I told a condensed version of my story (up to that time): 

• Blogtivism: My Story (& how mandated coverage could have helped) (November 2007)
• How we made "the decision" (November 2007)

If you have some difficulty telling your story to others (and I know I have!) -- especially to parents who might not understand/appreciate the subtleties of involuntary childlessness -- take comfort in the words of Brene Brown -- who emphasizes the importance of telling our stories -- but also this:  

Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: "Who has earned the right to hear my story?" If we have one or two people in our lives who can sit with us and hold space for our shame stories, and love us for our strengths and struggles, we are incredibly lucky. If we have a friend, or small group of friends, or family who embraces our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and power, and fills us with a sense of belonging, we are incredibly lucky.

Check out today's content on the WCW site, including community members' contributions. Today's webinars -- "What Can We Learn From Our Family History?" featuring a conversation between Michael Hughes of the Full Stop podcast and yours truly ;) -- "Emotional Seasons of Childlessness" with Sandra McNicol and others; and "Childlessness and Childhood Trauma" with Juli Angelis, have all concluded, but were recorded, and the videos will be posted to the Day One page as well as the WCW YouTube channel, for anyone who missed seeing them live.  

*** *** *** 

I was up before dawn this morning -- it actually just started turning light outside when I logged onto the Zoom link just before 7 AM for our webinar about family history/genealogy and childlessness with Michael Hughes this morning (it was 9 PM for Michael in Australia! and 12 noon for Stephanie Phillips in the UK).  I'll admit I was a bit nervous, especially at first -- I've been around the childless community for a long time now, but haven't spoken much publicly about my experiences, especially under my full/real name!  But Michael & I could probably talk about this stuff all day (lol) ;)  and the hour went by pretty quickly.  We had, I think, 17 participants watching live at one point -- not bad for early morning on a work day! -- and a few questions in the chat and Q&A.  

If you watched (live, or later), I'd love to know what you thought!  (A special hello to anyone who found this blog as a result of the webinar/WCW!)   And if you have questions, you can ask them in the comments below, and I will try to answer.  

The World Childless Week logo 
-- appropriately, a "forget-me-not" 

Here's a previous blog post with some background on how the webinar came about. :)   

You can find my other genealogy-related posts here. 

I'm particularly fond of this post from 2014, which tells the story of Aunt Maggie, who saved the letters that spurred my interest in my family history (and provided some valuable clues), and also includes the quote from George Elliot's novel "Middlemarch," which I read near the end of our webinar. :)  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  

Odds & ends for the weekend

• We had a great time last weekend at dh's cousin's cottage with the cousin, his wife, BIL & SIL.  The weather did not exactly co-operate -- it was chilly and rainy for much of the time we were there -- but we three women were able to get out for walks both days we were there (up & down a lot of hills and inclines, which had me huffing & puffing -- but we went at a nice pace, and I survived...!).  We also spent time out on the deck for a few hotly contested games of cornhole!  
• Unfortunately, within days of our return, the joint where my left big toe meets the foot was sore and slightly red. Gout -- almost exactly three years since my first encounter with it (same spot).  I suspect alcohol was the trigger. I didn't drink THAT much while we were at the cottage -- 2 drinks on Friday, 3 on Saturday and none on Sunday (mostly white wine) -- but I guess that might have been enough...!  (Sigh...)  If it's not better in another day or so, I will call the dr. I still have some naproxen left over from the first/last time I had it, but I suspect it might not be effective after 3 years, so I'm just taking ibuprofen for now. 
• Dh & I got out on the balcony this week and WASHED THE WINDOWS!!  It really didn't take us very long -- about an hour -- and it makes SUCH a difference!!  I like to do it around the same time the professionals wash the outside windows on the rest of the building (they won't come onto our balconies; those windows are up to us), but they didn't come this year until just before we left to visit my parents in mid-July, and since we got back, either the weather has not been cooperative or we've been busy.  
• I got a follow-up email today from the organizers of Monday night's Zoom call, sponsored by the new Alliance for Child-Free Voters (which I wrote about here and here). It included a link to the video recording of the call, and a list of resources (most of them childfree-focused).  
• If you're interested in watching the Zoom call, it's about 90 minutes long. Here's the link! 
• I responded to the email, thanking the organizers -- and then asking, nicely (I hope?), that they please, please, please consider including some speakers from the childLESS (not by choice) community on any future calls. I suggested a few names & provided a few links.  
• And I actually got a very nice email back, thanking me!  We'll see what happens! 
• Tomorrow, I'm having lunch with some local CNBC ladies -- all of us members of the private online Childless Collective community -- as well as one who's visiting the city from Washington State. I've only met one of these women before, and I'm looking forward to it! 
• Two GREAT pieces from Helen Lewis in the Atlantic re: J.D. Vance, childless cat ladies, and the most famous childless cat lady of all. ;)  (Gift links;  good for 14 days from today's date.) 
• "J. D. Vance’s Very Weird Views About Women"  
• "Taylor Swift’s Three-Word Burn of J. D. Vance" 
• From the Washington Post:  "Forget Trump’s IVF promises. The GOP’s record shows contempt for fertility care." (Subhead:  "As always, pay more attention to what politicians do than to what they say.") (Gift link.)
• Egg showers, anyone?? (New York Times article -- gift link.)(Now I've heard of everything...!)
• Glynnis MacNicol in the New York Times (gift link):  "I Love the Kids in My Life. And I’m Raising None of Them."  Excerpt: 

In America, there is a persistent, pernicious belief that the only way to be invested in a child’s life is to be a parent — and, for women, to give birth to that child. (Ella and Cole Emhoff, among others, would like a word.) In a country that offers so little support to parents, this often feels like a not-so-covert argument for taking women back to a time when they lacked control over their bodies and their finances.

Recently, the Pew Research Center reported that 64 percent of women under 50 who don’t have children say they “just don’t want to.” This has contributed to another round of hand-wringing about birthrates and childless cat ladies. What the seemingly inexhaustible discussion around this topic leaves out is that many people who say they don’t want to birth or parent children do have children in their lives — other people’s. We rarely account for that, nor do we give full weight to the fulfillment these relationships provide...

It’s difficult to understand why we are so parsimonious with our ideas of both a child’s capacity to love and an adult’s capacity to love children she is not parenting. Of course children benefit from being loved — the more, the better. But the reverse is also true. 

• And finally, a reminder that World Childless Week starts Monday! -- and Michael Hughes (of the Full Stop podcast) and I will be kicking things off with an early-morning (in North America, anyway! lol) Zoom webinar: "What Can We Learn From Our Family History?"  Hope to see some of you there!  (And if you're not an early riser, a recording will be available later on the WCW website and YouTube channel!)  Details and sign-up link in this previous blog post. 

Childless/free Seneca Falls?

Monday night, I watched the first-ever Zoom call organized by the new Alliance of Child-Free Voters (which I mentioned in a previous post) -- and I took lots of notes! 

The 90-minute call was recorded, and will be sent to everyone who registered, along with a poll/survey, relevant links, etc. (still to come). The host said she would also be sending the video to every politician in Washington D.C., as well as the state legislatures (yes!!). If/when I get a public link, I'll share it here.  

A couple of general observations from me:  While the invitation was inclusive to all non-parents, the call was almost entirely from the child-free (by choice) perspective. There were 10 speakers (including the host). All but two (who were parent allies) were from the childfree community. It would have been nice if childless people -- those of us who wanted/expected to have children but didn't, for many different reasons -- got more of a mention than we did. Still, we do share a LOT of the same concerns -- and the fact that we were having a call like this at all was certainly something to be excited about! Near the end of the session, the host called it "the Seneca Falls convention for childfree people," and it had that feeling, that this could be the start of something bigger.  

As the call progressed, I made a note to myself: "consciousness raising."  In the 1960s, feminists held "consciousness raising" sessions (and during the Vietnam war, students held "teach-ins"), where they explored the issues and developed the language around the issues they were trying to articulate.  Such sessions gave attendees information and a vocabulary to express what they were feeling and experiencing. A lot of what was being discussed at this session was not new to me, but then, I've been immersed in all things related to childless/free living for more than 20 years now. I sometimes have to remind myself that not everyone who is childless or childfree is aware of the broader cultural and political aspects of our lives in the same way that I am. 

Indeed, the host of the call, activist Shannon Coulter, began with a confession of sorts. She said she attended a Zoom call for white female Kamala Harris voters, shortly after the "childless cat ladies" comments made by a certain vice-presidential candidate resurfaced in late July. 

"My social media lit up like a Christmas tree, even some high-profile Republican women were mad," she said. And yet -- the topic never came up during the Zoom call she attended, which she found "astonishing." Coulter thought it was an oversight -- until she spoke to a childfree thought leader, who assured her no, it was NOT, and explained pronatalism to her  She realized that, beyond making comments in support of IVF, very few high-profile Democrats have specifically addressed the blatant hate speech being directed at people without children, who generally represent a "third rail" in American politics (and I would suggest, politics in many other countries as well!). Politicians who don't have children generally do not talk about it:  it's just not good for their careers to draw attention to it.  

Once Coulter realized this -- and just how big the group of voters without children is in the U.S. -- she was motivated to start organizing, with a focus that goes beyond just one candidate or a single election cycle.  Coulter, who is LGBTQ+, said she's drawing inspiration from that community in setting an agenda for childless/free voters:  

• Destigmatization: It's simply not acceptable that NO politicians are challenging the narrative and rhetoric against childless & childfree people, beyond support for IVF.  
• Visibility: We need to become part of the conversation.  
• Policy priorities: e.g., people without children often find their time is valued less than parents' -- particularly in the workplace. 

Here are some of my notes about what the other speakers had to say:    

Therese Schecter, filmmaker ("My So-Called Selfish Life"): 

• I've known all my life that I didn't want children. 
• This is not a "lifestyle" -- it's something much more profound. It's about reproductive freedom. Living an authentic life, despite the pressures to conform.  
• People without children are NOT some weird, deviant fringe group.  We are a growing and powerful demographic. We have a stake in the future too.  We pay taxes, And we vote!! 
  
• Pronatalism -- not just a conservative thing.
• "A woman in control of her own life is terrifying." 

Nadita Bajaj, Population Balance: 

• Grew up in India, came to Canada at age 17 with her parents. Home was a liberal haven, unconventional thinkers. Interested in environmental & feminist issues. 
• Confronted with pronatalism in late 20s:  I saw myself as a free thinker, and yet I thought everyone HAD to have children!  Never realized I had a choice, it wasn't inevitable. 
• Patriarchy & pronatalism are connected:  became institutionalized 5000 years ago. The more people/babies, the more power for politicians, businesses, etc.  
• Having children or not is not just a personal choice -- deeply political. 
• No coincidence there's so much pushback against the idea of smaller families/childfree. 
• Fertility can also be controlled the other way (forced sterilization, etc.), depending on the desired result. 

Kerry Graham:  

• Hated to admit to myself (let alone to others) that I didn't want kids  -- seemed like part of being an adult. Now proud to be childfree, but it took some time to get there. 
• Found communities that understand my experience & share my values. They exist, and they get it. 
• Two years ago, health crisis -- had to leave teaching. Felt less deserving to be here, less value than parents: don't have my own, can't care for others' kids. 
• Now 40 and refuse to let anyone make me feel ashamed. 
• "I deserve to be proud of who I am. I deserve to live in peace with who I am, and so do you." 

Dr. Angela Harris, No Bibs Burps Bottles:  

• My call to action:  Vote!  And bring your friends with you! 
• We fought too hard to be here today. We are making great strides, and we should celebrate and be proud, move upwards from here. 
• Words can hurt OR heal. 
• Great to mention support for IVF, but equally important to recognize a different choice. 
• 40-50% unlikely to have children. 
• All women need to unite for the greater good. We don't have to be at odds with each other (some are trying to create a gap between us).  
• BIPOC childfree women matter.  Before you know whether I have kids, you see my skin colour. 
• We (BIPOC) know there have been some dark & ugly periods in this nation's history. 
• Role models:  Oprah, Tracee Ellis Ross, Ava Duvernay. 
• You are great and your voice matters. 

Dr. Jennifer Watling-Neal & Dr. Zachary Neal:  

• We use data sets (from Michigan State University, CDC, Japan, USAID) to study stigmas & stereotypes re: childfree people, leverage the power of data to give childfree people a voice. 
• Exciting to see how many of us there actually are: 
• 10-20% of people in the U.S. are childfree (don't want and don't have children). That number is growing. 
• Other types of non-parents:  3-4% are childless.  
• Stereotypes:  you'll regret your decision.  Data shows that older parents (70+) express MORE regret than older childfree people. No weight to that argument! 
• Who holds these stereotypes?  Men (e.g., Vance), non-college graduates, parents or people who want to be parents in the future. 
• Political views:  Parents are more likely to be conservative/Republican, childfree much more likely to be liberal/Democrat. 
  
• Dobbs decision has led more people to identify as childfree:  20-21% before Dobbs, 26% after.  
• Childfree people feel okay about parents and other childfree people.  
• Parents think childfree people are okay. 
• BUT, parents REALLY love other parents!  Strong in-group favouritism, prefer to interact with other parents = childfree people get left out. 
• Childfree people are less satisfied with the neighbourhoods where they live than parents are. Their needs & preferences often ignored. Focus on "family friendly" neighbourhood events may be driving dissatisfaction. 
•  A lot of data available, tells a powerful story.  We have a lot of potential power.  
• More info available at www.thechildfree.org . 

Kat Calvin, Spread the Vote:  

• Raised by generations of well-educated feminist black women. 
• The world is driven by childfree & single women!  Most of your female heroes are likely childfree and/or single.  NOT unusual or weird! 
• We've been around throughout history:  more people need to understand that. 
• People think change is impossible. It only takes 3% of a population to make significant change. 
• We are in a place of power, we are not victims! 
• Need community and strategy. 

Dr. Amy Diehl & Dr. Leanne Dzubinski:  

Dr.Diehl: 

• Technically, now a parent ally.  Had a child in my late 40s, now 1 year old. 
• BUT, spent the previous 5 decades (most of my life) without children. 
• I would have termed myself ambivalent. Didn't really know if I wanted kids. 
• Have felt & experienced a lot of what you have described:  staying late at the office because no kids, odd person out in large extended family. Expected to do more. 
• Come from large religious community: certainly felt it there. Celebrations for marriage, babies -- nothing for me & my accomplishments. 
• Harvard Business Review article about how maternal bias affects women at work. 

Dr. Dzubinski: 

• Also a parent ally. 
• Leadership issue in faith-based world.  Large number of women without children there.  Noticed a difference between spoken & lived values.  
• Important to me that we respect & support each others' choices and shared humanity. 
• If you're female, you are seen as potential mother. 
• Lingering beliefs that men need to earn, women don't. 
• 4 biases/discrimination in the workplace: 
• Maybe baby: If you're a woman, you MIGHT have a child. 
• Do more:  If you're childless/free, you're expected to do more. 
• Pay less:  You're not supporting a family so you don't need more money. 
• Never quite right:  Parental status leveraged as an excuse for gender bias.  You can't win. Excuses to disguise flat-out gender bias. 

Dr. Diehl:  

• How to address bias & create a more equitable workplace for ALL of us. 
• Quick solutions: 
• Flexibility for all employees:  86% believe parents get precedence. Child-related reasons seen as more valid. But people without children are also caretakers -- and everyone has a life outside of work. 
• Equitable work:  Childfree people get dumped on with extra work. Must build in enough coverage for absences:  temporary/contract workers, overtime pay or stipend. Compensate existing employees for extra workload, release them from other tasks. Also: leaves of absence/sabbaticals for all. 
• Equal pay/pay transparency:  Pay based on qualifications, not parental status. Analyze parental status of employees and correct pay inequities. 
• Encourage men to be caregivers and take parental leave.  They need to be vocal when they need to leave early for child-related reasons and why. 
• We all must be allies -- not a zero-sum game (winners/losers).  
• There are many ways to contribute to society. 

Childless/free voters, unite!

Have you been rolling your eyes (or quietly seething) at some of the hateful "childless cat ladies" rhetoric that's emerged recently from the mouths of certain U.S. politicians and commentators?  

Have you ever listened to politicians (across borders and from all parts of the political spectrum) wax poetic about "hard-working families," and wondered where the voices advocating for non-parents were?  

Here's a chance to begin taking positive action. :)   

This morning, I got an email from documentary filmmaker Therese Schecter of Trixie Films.  I wound up on her mailing list after signing up for a screening of her wonderful film "My So-Called Selfish Life," a few years ago. 

Therese is part of a new group called The Alliance of Child-Free Voters -- a nonpartisan grassroots coalition of individuals and organizations that fight for the visibility, rights, and policy priorities of childfree and childless people. "We are part of a powerful and rapidly growing voter bloc, one with enormous resources and energy," the group notes.  And they are organizing a Zoom call this Monday, Sept. 9th at 8 PM (Eastern), featuring 11 speakers "who will share how we can begin to build solidarity and political power both in the 2024 election cycle and beyond." 

As Therese (who is Canadian) said in the email I received (boldfaced emphasis hers), "This event is non-partisan, does not support a specific candidate, and is not doing any fundraising. It's aimed at US voters, but pronatalism knows no borders. I hope you can join us for this Zoom Webinar and get inspired to take your own action, no matter where you live."

Further information on Therese's website, here.  Space is apparently limited to 500 people, so if you're interested, register now! 

Odds & ends

• So lovely to see Infertile Phoenix back writing on her blog again! :) 
• I'm SO glad I read Louise Penny's latest newsletter (which landed in my email inbox last weekend, I think) in time to catch her on Tuesday, Sept. 3rd, in a live (recorded for later viewing) YouTube conversation with Alan Bradley, author of the delightful Flavia de Luce mysteries. The 11th in the series, "What Time the Sexton's Spade Doth Rust," was released that same day. (Penny also has a new Inspector Gamache/Three Pines mystery coming out later this fall.)  I think I had a smile on my face the entire hour!  :)  
• Margaret Renkl in the New York Times is a gorgeous writer. And her latest column -- "My Bookshelf, Myself" -- well, I feel SEEN, lol. 
• Annoying thing:  AARP Medical Supplement TV ad from the U.S., in which a woman crows "Grandkids!! I can't wait!!"  (eyeroll) 
• (I also got to hear this line from someone at a recent family gathering. Sigh...) 
• In a recent link roundup in her "Life, Almost" Substack, Jennie Agg flagged this fascinating article about the lack of data related to pregnancy loss in the U.S., and what can be learned from other countries (the U.K. in particular). (Sadly, I don't think Canada is too much better than the U.S. in this regard...) 
• New Substack for childless and childfree aunties: "The Auntie Bulletin" by Lisa Sibbett.  
• Jody Day examines "The friendship apocalypse" at 60 in her Childless Elderwomen Substack. 
• Nesrine Malik in the Guardian: "The right’s obsession with childless women isn’t just about ideology: it’s essential to the capitalist machine." 
• "Sperm donors are anonymous in Canada. Adult children are finding their roots anyway." (I knew about the shortage of donor sperm in Canada, but was surprised to learn that -- outside of the province of Quebec -- my country is one of the few where donors can still remain anonymous.) 
• Michael Hughes of the Full Stop podcast spoke to a reporter about "The grief of childlessness on Father's Day" (which was celebrated in Australia recently).  
• Michael & I will be discussing  "What Can We Learn From Our Family History?" in a webinar for World Childless Week on Monday, Sept. 16th. Details and links in this post.  
• Are men (finally??!) waking up to the importance of reproductive rights in America?  Great article (gift linked)  in the Washington Post:  "A louder voice in fighting abortion bans: Men in red states." (Subhead:  "More men are speaking out in defense of reproductive rights because of harrowing experiences that wives or partners have suffered when a pregnancy went awry.")  
• "When Oprah says ‘childless cat lady,’ and the camera’s on you."  (I remenber noticing the camera on this particular woman nodding at Oprah's remarks, and thought "Yikes!"  Glad to read that she's taken her moment in the spotlight in good humour...!)
• Monica Hesse's recent column in the Washington Post is an absolute must read (so here's a gift link!):  "JD Vance's repeated digs at childless women are worse than you thought." Subhead: "It’s not about the kids they don’t have. It’s about the empathy he can’t even fathom."  
• The whole piece is great, but I especially loved this passage:  

Disparaging childless people once is a misspeak. Twice is a PR crisis. Three times and you have, as we say in the journalism business, a trend.

Here we go again...

Is it just me, or did it seem like every other mom friend in my social media feeds was sending a kid off to college/university this weekend -- many for the first time -- and posting about it?  Including three of  dh's cousins. 

(We saw several of them at an extended family get-together yesterday, including two cousins whose sons are in first year at the same university this fall and got dropped off on Saturday (not together), and one cousin and his wife who drove straight to the party after spending a couple of days getting their son settled in at college in Sault Ste. Marie -- about a 6-8 hour drive northwest of here.)  

The back to school chatter was/is relentless. The flood of dorm room photos was relentless. (Although it was amusing to see how very little dorms have changed in the past 45 (!) years...!)(Cinder block walls, anyone??  lol) 

Yes, I know, I could just ignore social media for a few days until it all blows over. Yes, I'm a glutton for self-punishment, apparently.  I do enjoy seeing the photos -- to a point. It's just that after a while it gets to be just a LITTLE much...! 

At almost 26, Katie would likely have long since graduated university (unless she was going to medical school or for a PhD or something like that -- which her father assures me she most certainly would have -- but on an accelerated schedule, so she definitely would have graduated by now. Sure, dear, whatever you say...!)  

Still, this time of year, and the endless moans of "where has my baby gone?" etc. etc. has a unique ability to get under my skin. My apologies to the parents reading this (especially those sending kids off to college right now), but....  

I get it, it's tough to let go and watch them spread their wings.  (Especially when you fought so hard to get them here in the first place, as I know many of you have, if you're reading this blog...!)  

But still. You had them, lived with them, got to enjoy them (and tear your hair out over them) for 18 years -- and you'll still have them (and be tearing your hair out over them...!), in some respect, for the rest of your life, if you're as lucky as you have been to date.  

Not all of us get to experience that. Any of that. At all.  And this time of year is always a harsh and unwelcome reminder of that reality.   

I know. I'm not a parent. I don't understand.  I'm just jealous. 

Maybe so.

But. You're not childless-not-by-choice. I'm not in your shoes -- but you're not in mine either.

Let's just leave it at that.  

Sorry.  Vent over.  

Weather permitting, you will find me on my balcony tomorrow afternoon with a book and a cup of tea (or maybe a glass of iced tea). It's become my "first day of school" ritual these past few years, and a reminder that there ARE some perks that come with this childless life.  ;)    

Previous first/last day of school-related posts here. 

Right now

Right now...* 

*(an occasional (mostly monthly) meme, alternating from time to time with "The Current"). (Explanation of how this started & my inspirations in my first "Right now" post, here. Also my first "The Current" post, here.)

August flew by way too quickly.  It was good to be back home, after spending two weeks with my family out west, but suddenly it was the end of the month, with back-to-school and all things fall on the very near horizon.  

Pandemic diary/update: August was month #53 since the covid pandemic began in March 2020 -- now in Year FIVE. :(   And we continued to hear about people we know coming down with covid -- many of then for the first time, and often after travelling.    

We (still!) remain covid-free (knocking wood, loudly...), and we continue to mask in stores, malls and (most) other indoor public spaces hereabouts, especially where there are a lot of people around. (Well, I do -- I know dh has been slacking off again, whenever I'm not around to hand him a mask...!)  This article from the New York Times (gift link) solidified my resolve to keep masking!  (Albeit we have been eating out more again recently -- see "Eating," below.)  

Among other outings this month, we: 

• Celebrated Younger Nephew's 32nd birthday at their nearby townhouse on Aug. 4th.  
• En route home, took an unanticipated trip to the emergency room in an ambulance (!). 
• Drove up to visit Older Nephew & Little Great-Nephew with BIL & SIL on Aug. 5th. (It was a civic holiday here, but ON's wife/LGN's mom had to work.) 
• Marked 26 (!) years since the loss of our Katie on Aug. 7th: picked up some flowers (also stopped off to pick up a prescription for dh and fill up the gas tank on the car) and headed to the cemetery near our old community. Afterwards, we had lunch at a local cafe, browsed in the local mega-bookstore outlet, enjoyed some ice cream from Dairy Queen ;)  (see "Eating," below) and then picked up a few groceries before heading home. 
• Headed to the Eaton Centre mall in downtown Toronto on Aug. 15th via subway, for the first time since pre-pandemic... to meet up with Mel & her family!! Patio dinner, followed by a browse at the Indigo bookstore there. 
• Returned to our old community on Friday, Aug. 16th for haircuts at the mall. Lunch at Tim Hortons in the food court, a bit of shopping, and a visit with Katie at the cemetery before heading home again. 
• Spent a rainy but pleasant Saturday afternoon (Aug. 17th) at BIL & SIL's. Older Nephew & his wife were off to a wedding downtown, and they dropped off Little Great-Nephew with his grandparents, en route. Younger Nephew & his wife brought Little Great-Niece over for a visit too. We wound up watching BIL's old home movies/videos of the nephews from the early 1990s, when they were almost exactly the ages their kids are now. LGNephew wasn't overly interested (I don't think he could really fathom that that little boy on the screen was his dad), but the rest of us had some good laughs (and I'll admit I got kind of misty-eyed too). They were SO damned cute!  :)  (And I was SO damned SKINNY!!  lol)(And no doubt thought I was fat at the time!)  SIL made homemade pizza, LGNephew assembled Legos with his uncle, and LGNiece amused herself with various kitchen utensils. A good time was had by all.  :)  
• Went to the local mall to walk, shop and have lunch (pizza)(Aug. 20th).  
• Went for a pre-long weekend pedicure and then a browse at the local mega-bookstore (Aug. 29th). 
• Drove with BIL & SIL up to Older Nephew's on Friday night (Aug. 30th) for dinner with him & Little Great-Nephew (their wife/mom was off on a bachelorette weekend for one of her girlfriends). We wound up driving in two cars to a nearby large town and eating at a restaurant there.   

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Also right now:  

Reading: I finished 2 books in August (reviewed on this blog, as well as Goodreads & StoryGraph, & tagged "2024 books").  

• "Swing Time" by Zadie Smith (the August selection for my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club). (My review.)  
• "Code Name Helene" by Ariel Lawhon (the September book for my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club). (My review.) 

This brings me to 24 books read so far in 2024, 53% of my 2024 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books.  I am currently 5 (!) books behind schedule to meet my goal. :(   

Current read(s): 

• "Living the Life Unexpected" by Jody Day.  I'm once again taking part in a chapter-by-chapter group read of this CNBC classic! This will be the 5th (!) time I've read this book, or the earlier version of it ("Rocking the Life Unexpected").  (Most recent review, with links to earlier reviews, here.)  
• "The Mirror and the Light"  by Hilary Mantel (book #3 in the Thomas Cromwell Trilogy)   -- part of a year-long "slow readalong" hosted by Simon at Footnotes and Tangents.  We started during the week of July 21st; currently at about 23% read  (and a little behind on the reading schedule!), and will finish at the end of December. 
• "Magic for Marigold" by L.M. Montgomery, with my L.M. Montgomery Readathon Facebook Group. We began our group read/discussion on July 1st and will run through late September. I will count this as a re-read once we're finished.  Currently about 64% read. (My original review.) 
• "Fletcher’s End" by D.E. Stevenson, with my DES group -- a sequel to "Bel Lamington." Our group read started May 20th and will run through mid-September -- currently at 86% read. (My original review.) 
• "War and Peace" by Leo Tolstoy (!). As I wrote here, I need another book club/readalong obligation like a hole in the head  ;)  but nevertheless, I'm taking part in a year-long readalong of this book, hosted by Simon at Footnotes and Tangents -- a chapter a day for a full year, which began Jan. 1, 2024. (And I'm really enjoying it!)  Currently at about 72% read.  
• "L.M. Montgomery and Gender," an essay collection edited by E. Holly Pike & Laura Robinson. Slowly working my way through, in between the other books...! 

Coming up: Most of my book groups have their next reads plotted out for a few months in advance -- and listing them here helps me keep track of what I should be reading next. ;)  

• For my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club: 
• "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert (October) (a Barren Bitches Book Tour selection from October 2008, the early days of this blog! -- discussed here;  related post here). 
• "Persuasion" by Jane Austen (November). 
• "The Christmas Orphans Club" by Becca Freeman (reviewed here). (December) 
• For my D.E. Stevenson group:  This list of upcoming books should keep us busy well into 2025 or even 2026!  (A couple of the books are ones we covered shortly after I first joined the group back in 2014 -- you know you've been around for a while when....!)  
• Miss Buncle’s Book (likely beginning September/October 2024; original 2015 review here).  
• Peter West 
• Miss Buncle Married (original 2015 review here).
• The Two Mrs. Abbotts (original 2015 review here).
• Crooked Adam 
• The Four Graces (original 2015 review here). 

• For the Notes from Three Pines (Louise Penny mysteries) Readalong: The last discussion was for book #3, "The Cruellest Month," posted in June 2023 (no further posts/books since then).  I've continued dipping into the series on my own, between other book club obligations. Book #6, "Bury Your Dead," is the next one on my to-read list! 
• Other books on my priority list: 
• "Moonflower Murders" by Anthony Horowitz. The TV version is starting on PBS on Sept. 15th, and I want to have the book read by then. (I PVRd the adaptation of the first book in the series, "Magpie Murders," because I hadn't read the book yet -- and then lost all my PVRd stuff when we got a new modem last fall!  I did eventually read the book, reviewed here -- and got to see the TV version in reruns on PBS -- see "Watching," below.)    
• "The Marlow Murder Club" by Robert Thorogood.  TV version begins airing on PBS on Oct. 27th.   

A few recently purchased titles (mostly in digital format, mostly discounted ($5-10 or less) or purchased with points): 

• "Wandering Stars" by Tommy Orange 
• "The Heaven & Earth Grocery Store" by James McBride
• "Good Material" by Dolly Alderton 
• "The Hazelbourne Ladies Motorcycle & Flying Club" by Helen Simonson 
• "The Good, the Bad & the Aunties" by Jessie Q. Sutanto 
• "Alphabetical Diaries" by Sheila Heti 
• "The Other Significant Others" by Rhaina Cohen 
• "You Never Know" by Tom Selleck 
• "Strangers in Their Own Land" by Arlie Russell Hochschild 
• "The Fraud" by Zadie Smith 

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Watching:  

• The Olympics from Paris. I especially love watching the swimming events... and the diving... and the rowing (although it was mostly on in the middle of the night, my time!)... and track and field...! And especially the men's 4x100 relay, where our Canadian men's team -- none of whom had made it to the finals in their individual events -- won an unexpected gold!! A huge moment of national pride for all Canadians!  :) 
• "Paving the Way," a 2013 documentary shown on PBS (the Buffalo channel, anyway), on Aug. 16th, about Geraldine Ferraro, the first woman to be nominated to run for Vice-President of the United States, in the 1984 election (with Walter Mondale).  I was 23 at the time -- yes, a Canadian -- but I remember just how much that milestone and her example meant to me, and I frequently found myself tearing up repeatedly as I watched. I remember when Kamala Harris WAS actually elected VP four years ago, feeling similarly teary, and thinking "I so wish Geraldine Ferraro had lived to see this day."  (She died in 2011.) 
• "Magpie Murders" on PBS -- based on the Anthony Horowitz book, which I read and reviewed here. I loved the way the some of the actors played multiple roles, and how Susan (the wonderful Lesley Manville), the main character, interacts with the fictional detective Atticus Pund!  :)  (As mentioned above, "Moonflower Murders," an adaptation of the sequel by the same name, will begin on Sept. 15th.) 
• The Democratic National Convention in the U.S. from Chicago, Aug. 19-22. Way too many late nights!!  but some great speakers!  Too many highlights to mention, but the women -- Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama and the nominee herself really knocked it out of the park. I also loved Doug Emhoff's speech -- and I LOVED seeing Elizabeth Warren get a long, loud, well-deserved standing ovation that left her tearing up and wiping her eyes. (The clip in the link is edited;  I believe the ovation went on for almost two full minutes.)  

Listening:  To Heardle Decades: Stats as of  Aug. 31st: 

• Heardle 60s: 76.6% (529/691, 209 on first guess), up 0.3% from last month. Max. streak: 15.
• Heardle 70s: 80.0% (345/431, 193 on first guess), down 0.3% from last month. Max. streak: 18. 
• Heardle 80s: 41.8% (127/304, 48 on first guess), down 1.5% from last month. Max. streak: 4. 
• Heardle 90s: 26.25% (107/408, 21 on first guess), up 0.7% from last month. Max. streak: 4. 

Following:  

Eating/Drinking:  I feel like I've been eating out in restaurants more in the past two months than I have in the past four pandemic years!  lol  

• Coffee Culture (cafe), in our old community (Aug. 7th/Katie's day):  We had chicken caesar wraps, a favourite from when we lived in the area and used to go there. (Followed by ice cream -- Skor Blizzard for me -- from the Dairy Queen drive-through later, lol). 
• Mercatto Eaton Centre in downtown Toronto with Mel and her family (Aug, 15th). We sat on the patio and the weather was lovely, albeit things were a bit noisy for the first while we were there...!  I had the pasta carbonara -- cooked perfectly al dente, albeit a little too much pepper for my tastebuds...!
• Tim Hortons (mall food court in our old community, Aug. 16th):  We had breakfast sandwiches (egg & sausage on a biscuit) with wedge fries.  Tim's is certainly not gourmet fare, but it's cheap and dependable.  ;)  
• Blaze Pizza at the mall (Aug. 20th): Thin crust, fast-fired. You can build your own, which is great for me with my tomato allergy -- I usually get bacon & chicken with a cream sauce base -- and while I can never eat the whole thing, that means a box of leftovers for lunch the next day!  :)  The air circulation seems good and we generally go before 11:30, when it's not too busy yet, and sit in a booth near the entrance to the mall.  
• Lone Star Texas Grill, with dh, BIL, SIL, Older Nephew and Little Great-Nephew (Aug. 30th):  I had a burger & fries. We got there just before 8 (!) -- and being the Friday night of a long weekend, it was busy, they were out of tortillas for wraps and fajitas (!), and service was slow -- it took a while for our food to come-- but our young waitress was friendly and helpful, and the food, once it arrived, was good!  
• Takeout:  The usual soup & pizza slices from the supermarket, generally once or twice a week; takeout teriyaki rice bowls (also from the supermarket), Chinese food from Mandarin, and Swiss Chalet takeout rotisserie chicken with a baked potato (I can never eat the whole thing, but the leftovers made good sandwiches the next day!).

Buying (besides books, lol):  

• A couple of new nightgowns (like oversized T-shirts,my favourite style)  at La Vie en Rose. Alas, I didn't try them on and should have bought a larger size (I like my nightgowns roomy!), and wound up returning them. 
• Natural pain relief cream for joints and arthritis from Saje, which I've been using as needed on my wonky left knee -- not bad!   
• A couple of T-shirts at Carters/Oshkosh for Little Great-Nephew, and a dachshund-themed sleeper/hat set for his baby brother, due just before Christmas!  (Did I mention we now know it's a boy?)  I'm still wary of buying too much for babies in advance, but I absolutely could not resist this one!  ;)  

Wearing:  Lots of shorts and tank tops (and enjoying them while the good weather lasts...!).   

Enjoying/Loving:  Spending time with the nephews and their kids. :)  I may not have kids, and we don't get to see them as often as we'd like, but they are a gift.  :) 

Appreciating:  Being included. BIL & SIL are so good about inviting us to come over when the kids are there, or when they're going to see them. Not every time (and we wouldn't expect that), but often enough.  I know many childless people are not as fortunate. 

Noticing:  Just a tinge of red/yellow/brown on a few of the trees locally lately...! 

Trying:  To be good (or at least better??), health & diet-wise, over the next few weeks: annual bloodwork and physicals coming up soon. My gradually rising cholesterol levels were a point of discussion last year -- erk... 

Prioritizing: Staying away from the mall and other public places this past week or two, to avoid the hordes of back-to-school shoppers & families frantically trying to cram in last-minute summer activities before classes resume...!  (We did this pre-pandemic, too! -- if you don't HAVE to be out there when things are so completely nuts, why subject yourself, right??)  There will be plenty of time to enjoy these places once the kids are back in school and things are quieter! 

Wondering:  Whether it's going to rain today (as we head to a cousins' gathering this afternoon). Our hosts have a big house, but it's nicer (and safer!) to stay outdoors, if possible!  

Wanting: Life to slow down, just a bit...!  Even though I'm retired, I always feel like I'm juggling all these balls and never getting anything accomplished...! 

Hoping:  To get out on the balcony with a cup of tea and a good book on Tuesday afternoon -- back to school day hereabouts. ;)  I haven't spent much time out there this summer, especially when it's been so hot & humid -- but I've started doing this on this particular day over the past few years, weather permitting. It's a way of calming myself amid all the hoopla, a reminder to relax and BREATHE, and a good reminder to myself that while there are certainly some things I'm missing out on as a non-parents, there ARE some advantages too. ;)  

Also:  Hoping to do better on my reading this month than I have over the summer.  (Although -- a couple of my book group reads will wrap up this month, so a better monthly total is probably guaranteed...!)  

Anticipating:  A busy few weeks ahead:  a get-together with the relatives on one side of dh's family today (it's a long weekend here -- Labour Day on Monday);  all the back-to-school hoopla & social media posts hereabouts; cottage weekend soon with dh's cousin & his wife (a little earlier this year than our previous visits); a meetup lunch with some local and visiting childless friends from online; and World Childless Week, including my webinar/chat with Michael Hughes of the Full Stop podcast about family history and childlessness on Sept. 16th.  :)  October will be here before we know it...! (Yikes!!)  

Feeling: Thankful that the summer has been less eventful/stressful than the last few. A little sad that it's already (almost!) over (!), but looking forward to cooler temperatures and the lovely fall colours.