#Microblog Mondays: Odds & ends & lots of links!

(Another #MM post that's not so micro... but it's what I've got!)  

I haven't posted as much here lately as I often do. I can chalk it up, in part, to the usual mid-winter/February malaise. Aside from a few (too few) glorious days of sunshine & clear blue skies, it's been grey and blah outside lately.  And there just hasn't been a lot going on to write about. I've hardly been out of the house. (Planning a trip to the mall this week to remedy that!)  

I've also been feeling slightly overwhelmed by the volume of stuff coming at me every day. Nothing particularly important or heavy or consequential -- just trying to keep up with all the things I want and need and like to do -- and read. 

I've always been a voracious reader and consumer -- of books, of magazines, of newspapers -- of media generally, from the time I learned to read. Even when I was a kid, my parents and grandparents always got (and read) at least one newspaper daily (the one from the nearest city), sometimes two, when there was a daily local paper (and if there wasn't a daily, there was a weekly) -- plus, we tuned in to the news on TV at lunchtime, suppertime and later in the evening too (in the days before 24-hour news channels existed).  And every morning when I arrived at journalism school, there were stacks of of the local London Free Press and Globe & Mail waiting in our classroom/newsroom for us to read -- with regular news quizzes to ensure we were keeping up with current events. I've kept the habit of reading multiple daily newspapers (along with other reading material, of course) all through my adult life. 

These days, the news tends to come in a digital format. Just getting through my email inbox -- full of newsletters from various newspapers, magazines, Substacks, etc. -- takes forever some days. (I look forward to weekends, when the volume diminishes considerably.)  Plus there are blogs to read and comment on (something I haven't been very good at doing lately...!), social media accounts, message boards and other sites I follow regularly. I've slacked off considerably on keeping up with my Facebook & Instagram accounts -- which I suppose is not a bad thing in some ways (lol) -- but also leaves me with mild cases of both guilt and FOMO.  

Additionally, I've been checking my Ancestry account every morning to see what new DNA cousins have shown up overnight for me, my mom & dh. Checking the daily e-book bargains on Kobo. Juggling reading for the several book clubs & readalongs I belong to, plus squeezing in a few books from my own towering to-read piles now & then. Plus the usual household stuff, etc. 

On the other hand, all this reading lately means I have some really GREAT stuff to share with all of you here!  :)  

• Jody Day has been on an absolute roll lately with her Childless Elderwomen Substack.  SO MUCH insight and wisdom!  Check out her latest post -- "Shouldn't you be over that at your age?" -- and then peruse the archives for more.  
• Jody also recently shared this thoughtful essay by Kristen Gentry: "Childless." 
• "I will be, they would have been, it will be:"  Katie Hawkins-Gaar at "My Sweet Dumb Brain" (Substack) examines "the ever-changing calculations of grief math."
• A fascinating (excellent!) article from ProPublica about how Australia has reduced the number of stillbirths there, and what America (and Canada!) could learn from their example.   
• Canadian Affairs recently published an article about Canadians' access to IVF treatment -- or lack thereof -- followed by an editorial arguing "Why IVF treatment should be publicly funded."  (You will likely need to register for access.) 
• Pamela recently posted a new article in Medium calling (once again) for greater accountability from the fertility industry. (It may be behind a paywall?) 
• Yael Wolfe, who is CNBC, had a great post in Medium:  "To All the Women in Their 40s Who Are Saying Goodbye to Their Fertility."  (Subhead:  "This is one of the most sacred journeys we’ll ever take — and the world barely acknowledges it.")  
• Unfortunately, it's (also) behind a members-only paywall. (I got a membership a while back specifically so I could read her stuff!)  And the only way I can access a gift link is by upgrading my membership -- I mean, seriously??)  But it's worth a read, if you can access it somehow.  
• Sample passage (boldfacing & italics hers):  

I suspect no one had the fertility journey that they thought they would have. There are surprise pregnancies. There are unimaginable losses. Life has no greater talent than that of disrupting our expectations.

In all of these circumstances, it is the women who are “childless by circumstance” that I think of the most. The women like me. There is such pain for those of us who wanted to become mothers yet did not. And there is no recognition of this type of loss in our culture.

We understand and honor the grief of miscarriages, stillborns, and other losses associated with our fertility. But we don’t have a social protocol to help us support a woman who is childless by circumstance. In fact, we don’t even have a cultural understanding of the very important difference between a woman who is childless and one who is childfree — our culture assumes any woman without children got there by choice.

We’re strangely unable to understand that many women struggle with the emotional and physical toll of infertility — that they perhaps wanted a child of their own very badly but could not have one. And apparently, at least so far as I can see, it’s incomprehensible that a fertile woman could end up without a child unless she chose that path.

Western imagination understands the fickle hand of fate when it comes to miscarriages and surprise pregnancies — but not when it comes to a woman who had a plan…a plan that just didn’t work out.

Those who don’t have children aren’t without stories — and equally complex stories, at that. If you have a uterus, you have stories. And someday, when the storyline of our fertility comes to an end, we feel drawn to open those worn pages again, flip through the familiar words and images, and maybe even share them with those around us.

• This article from the Atlantic by a woman who has had three miscarriages and one full-term loss is gorgeous:  "I Don’t Know If I Can Call Myself a Mom."  (Subhead:  "I’ve had three miscarriages, seven reproductive surgeries, and one infant loss. I still don’t have a child.") Caveat: She & her husband are still trying to conceive. (Gift link.)  Sample passage: 

How do you confirm parenthood without proof? Without spit-up on your clothes, a diaper bag slung over your shoulder, or commiseration with fellow mothers?

But I did mother Lucy. Every decision I made for her—from the positive test to her last breath—was mothering. Not drinking booze or eating raw fish during my pregnancy was mothering. Reading parenting books and touring day cares was mothering. Practicing prenatal yoga and labor positions was mothering. Stroking her face while I held her languid body had to have been mothering.

• In her Substack "The Antidote," Helen Davenport-Hall once again nails it with "'breathe yourself fertile': aka my latest bullshit, unethical find" (about the rhetoric and ethics of the "fertility wellness and spiritual world").  Sample passage [italics and boldface the author's]: 

The ethics of fertility wellness and spirituality matters to me. You matter, we matter and we deserve ethical sensitivity, criticality and someone to redress the balance. We deserve far far better than being told we’re not breathing properly either and so of course we aren’t fertile.





There is a particular feeling of futility and self blame that we can be left with alongside our negative pregnancy tests. And it’s never as loud as when we’ve bought into the suggestions, claims and promises that THIS is the thing that will get that positive test - paid for it, tried it and come away empty handed.



You didn’t do it wrong.





• I had mixed feelings about this article from the Guardian (so, caveat emptor...):  "‘At 45, I grieved the idea of motherhood. Then, by pure fluke, I was pregnant’." To her credit, the author -- who endured multiple miscarriages and two failed rounds of IVF -- is honest about the mixed feelings & emotions. (And the writing is beautiful.)  A couple of sample passages:  

In many ways it has been a strange tributary in the conversation most women have throughout their lives: why you don’t have children, why you do. Fertility is a part of a woman’s life that exists beyond herself, that is forever subject to public speculation and interrogation. “Questions,” as Rebecca Solnit put it, “that push you into the herd or nip at you for diverging from it.”

It has been stranger still to cross from one side to the other, as if handed, like a baton, between the divergent and the herd. At this stage in my life, I do not seem to fit entirely in either; I have missed the mothering years of my peers, and now I have absconded from my child-free fellowship.

and

I am wary of the false hope this kind of fertility story might give: woman gives up trying to have a baby, then duly falls pregnant – as if the very act of wanting something is the very thing that might prevent it. I do not want this to seem like a cautionary tale of female desire. Nor was there any great trick – I cannot attribute my pregnancy to a particular vitamin supplement, acupuncturist, health regime. I have no advice. It was luck, pure fluke.

It was also not without complexity. I was of course elated to be pregnant, but I had spent a good two years grieving the idea of motherhood and imagining a different kind of life for myself. Now I was doubling back, revisiting the hopes of my younger self.

• Not ALI-related (at least, not obviously so...), but...:  I don't know if those of you outside of Canada know who Brittlestar is:  his real name is Stewart Reynolds, and he's a comedian, corporate spokesperson and wry social media commentator/content creator, among other things. He also has a Substack (who doesn't these days, right?), and I thought he made a great point recently, explaining "Here's why some people have gone crazy." 
• (Personally, I think politics and world events have always had an impact on us all -- it's just that most people don't pay attention or make the connection until it becomes blatantly obvious and too difficult to ignore, as it did during the pandemic -- just as most people will offer up "thoughts and prayers" when a tragedy happens, secure in the knowledge that such a thing would never happen to THEM...)(until it inevitably does, of course...!).   
• If you've been a reader here for a while, you'll know of my longstanding admiration for the Maynard women -- mother Fredelle, and her daughters Rona and Joyce -- all successful writers. I've followed both Rona & Joyce on social media for years, and Rona is now expanding on her wonderful Facebook posts in a Substack called "Amazement Seeker." You MUST read today's post -- "Voice Lesson from a Literary Warrior" -- if only for that opening paragraph, which left me slack-jawed with envy (oh, to be a fly on the wall of THAT gathering...!).  But I'm betting you'll stick around for the whole thing. ;)  How about this paragraph, which will speak to bloggers everywhere?  

Not every revolution strikes at a foe. For a woman who writes, the first barricade is within. To claim what you know, and tell it in your own voice, is a revolutionary act that not only remaps your emotional world but clears a path for others... If my joys, sorrows and amusements mattered, then so did my reader’s.

• The CBC had a story this weekend about the declining number of cousins that children today are growing up with, and the important role they can play in families. 
• This is certainly something I've noticed in my own experience, and in dh's family too. My mom had just one brother and he had just two kids (my first cousins) -- but on my dad's side of the family, I have something like 35?? first cousins & half-cousins. Dh has a similar amount from his mom & dad's families combined. But our nephews have just one (living) cousin (their mom's brother's daughter).  Little Great-Nephew has just one first cousin -- Little Great-Niece -- and it's likely to stay that way.  Little Great-Niece has two other cousins on her mom's side of her family.  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

#MicroblogMondays: Define "regular"...!

There was a long article in the Toronto Star this weekend that raised my childless hackles.  The article itself was rather interesting -- about Toronto's housing crisis, and possible solutions. I'm not sure whether it's behind a paywall (doesn't seem to be a gift link available) -- but it was the headline that had me rolling my eyes, hard, and that I wanted to focus on here:  "Regular families will never again be able to buy a house in Toronto – but we can still fix the housing crisis. Here’s how."

Define "regular families,"  right??! (That's a new one on me...!) I think "typical families" or "average families" is the more usual description, and possibly a better/preferable choice of words -- although I'd still roll my eyes over the focus on "families" -- knowing that, as a childless couple -- a "family of two" -- we wouldn't qualify in the eyes of so many people and institutions...! 

How about "residents" or "citizens" or just plain "people"??  Right??

I ranted about this to dh. He said, "I guess that makes us IRregular??"  

(Which made me think some more:  "regular" also smacks of "normal" -- the opposite of which, of course, would be "abnormal." Right?  :p )  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

"Best of Friends" by Kamila Shamsie

"Best of Friends" by Kamila Shamsie is the February choice for our Childless Collective Nomo Book Club, where the focus is NOT on books about pregnancies, mothers and miracle babies.  ;)  

The "best of friends" of the title are Maryam Khan and Zahra Ali, who have known each other since they were 4 years old. When we first meet them, they're 14 years old, living and attending school together in Karachi, Pakistan, in 1988.  The two come from very different backgrounds:  pretty and popular Maryam is the oldest of three daughters from a wealthy family, lives in a large house with armed guards at the gate, and is being groomed by her grandfather to take over his leather goods business after she finishes university -- a future she embraces. Less confident, bookish Zahra is not wealthy, but lives a comfortable life with her mother, a popular school principal, and her father, a well-known journalist and host of a popular television program about cricket. She can't wait to get out of Pakistan and head for London. 

One night, the girls attend a forbidden party at a classmate's house -- and something happens that changes both their lives forever.  

The story abruptly fast-forwards in time to 2019, 30+ years later. Both Zahra and Maryam, now in their 40s, are living and working in London, both enjoying professional success in very different fields. 

And then someone from their shared past re-emerges -- and Zahra and Maryam's long friendship is tested.    

It was interesting to read a book set in an unfamiliar location/culture -- and the first part of the book is the most interesting. I will admit that I don't know a lot about Pakistani culture or politics, but I do remember Benazir Bhutto (who, in the novel, knew Maryam's mother when they were at school together, and is an inspirational figure for both Zahra and Maryam). I'll also admit that my eyes sometimes glazed over when the topic turned to cricket...!  (I know absolutely nothing about cricket -- although I did recognize the name of Imran Khan. Canada seems to be one of the few (perhaps only?) former British colonies where cricket is more or less a non-entity, although it is played in some urban areas, mostly by immigrants from other former British colonies in the Indian subcontinent and the Caribbean.) (When we first moved into our house in the early 1990s, we would often see kids playing street hockey in the little bay right in front of our house. Over time, the makeup of the neighbourhood evolved, and not long before we moved, I was amused to see a group of kids in the street outside playing cricket!  Plus ca change...) 

However, the angst of being a teenaged girl seems to be a universal thing...!  and I thought the book did a good job of capturing that -- although, unlike me, Zahra and Maryam also had to cope with the additional pressures of living in a highly patriarchal society undergoing political upheaval. 

The second half/London section of the book is less engaging, and ultimately falls somewhat flat. Neither Zahra nor Maryam, in their adult incarnations anyway, are especially likeable.  The ending is ambiguous, which left me hanging and wondering, "Is that it??"  

It was an interesting read, but I feel like there should have been more to it.  

3 stars on Goodreads.  

This was Book #5 read to date in 2024 (and Book #1 finished in February), bringing me to 11% (!) of my 2024 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 2 books ahead of schedule. :)  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2024 tagged as "2024 books." 

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Reading this book, and about the incident that changes everything for Zahra and Maryam, I couldn't help but think about some of the dumb things I did when I was a teenager/young adult. I particularly remember two incidents from summer 1981, when I turned 20. (Fortunately for me, neither had serious consequences.) 

Story #1:  My sister & I were sharing a tiny basement apartment rental for the summer, in the town where we'd attended junior and senior high school. Our parents had since moved on to another town, but we still knew lots of people there and were both able to secure summer jobs. By day, I worked as a summer relief teller at the local credit union;  in the evenings, I spent a lot of time with a girl we'd both known in high school. Her dad owned -- and let her drive! -- a flashy, bright yellow, relatively new Camaro, and we spent hours cruising up and down the main street, showing off our hot wheels, blasting music.  

One night at the 7-11, we ran into three guys my friend knew (but I didn't), and after chatting for a while, we wound up getting into their car with them. I was in the passenger seat in front beside the driver, my friend in back with two of the guys.  They decided we should drive out to the beach, about 20 miles away.  As we headed out, it dawned on me that driving off in a strange car with a bunch of strange (to me) guys down dark country roads, when nobody knew where I was or who I was with, was probably not the brightest idea I'd ever had. 

Then I started smelling pot smoke from the back seat (and cannabis was strictly illegal back then.) 

Then we ran into a long stretch of fresh roadwork on our side of the road-- so the driver started driving on the other/wrong side of the road to avoid dinging up his car. All I could think was that the cops would have a field day with us if they happened to be out patrolling.  

Fortunately, after several miles of crappy roads, we decided to abandon the beach and drive back into town. Needless to say, I was VERY relieved!  

Story #2:  Same summer, same friend, same car.  I don't remember what we were doing in the city (Winnipeg), but we saw that a local band we liked was playing at a bar that night and decided to go in for a few drinks and listen to some music. The bar was in an older, somewhat shabby hotel, on the edge of a funky/trendy neighbourhood. Neither of us had ever been there before.  The band hadn't started playing yet when we walked into the bar, but the room was already crowded. 

With BIKERS.  Hells Angels types. (Heck, they might have even BEEN Hells Angels -- I don't know.)  Big, burly, tough-looking in leather vests. A couple of them had girlfriends with them, but as women, we were vastly outnumbered. We stood there, surveying the room and then looked at each other and, after a whispered consultation, decided to get the hell out of there. 

Only -- the bouncer -- another big, burly, bearded guy (who looked like he could have been a biker too) stood in the doorway. "What's the matter?"  he said said, menacingly. "Don't you like our bar?"  

I think I deserved an Oscar for fast thinking, if not the performance I put on next.  "We were supposed to meet some friends here, but I think they've jammed out on us,"  I said in a very put-out tone of voice.  "Is there a payphone?" (This was long before the era of cellphones, of course.)  

To my immense relief, the guy actually cracked a smile and his tone softened. "Sure -- it's just down the hall there."  

"THANK you SO much!"  I beamed sweetly at him and batted my eyelashes. We stood at the payphone -- within sight, but not earshot -- while I took a quarter from my wallet, picked up the receiver, pretended to dial and then carried on a brief, one-sided conversation. 

Then we exited out the nearest door. It was not the door we'd come in, and we had to walk around the building to get to where our car was parked.  But outside the door we'd exited was another parking lot we hadn't seen when we arrived. It was completely full of motorcycles.  

Yikes!  

Right now

Right now...* 

*(an occasional (mostly monthly) meme, alternating from time to time with "The Current"). (Explanation of how this started & my inspirations in my first "Right now" post, here. Also my first "The Current" post, here.)

Pandemic diary/update: January was month #46 (soon to be FOUR YEARS...!) since the COVID-19 pandemic began.  The cold I developed during the week between Christmas & New Year's Day lingered well into the month :p -- and then dh got it too. Ugh. Little Great-Nephew also came down with strep throat before the month ended (poor little guy!).  :(  

Nevertheless, we remain covid-free (knocking wood, loudly...), and continue to mask in stores and most other public places, especially where there are a lot of people. Maskers are in the minority these days hereabouts, but I've noticed more of us again over the past two months, with cases way up. I have heard that, in some areas, the latest wave is the second-largest of the entire pandemic to date (yikes!).  

January was a month of adjustment: It took me a good week or two to settle back into our regular routines and feel like I'd caught up on things that had piled up while we were away over Christmas. And after the bright lights & festivities of Christmas with my family, the (mostly) cloudy grey skies and chilly temperatures have been taking their (usual) toll on my emotional well-being...! 

Among other things this month, we: 

• Flew home from spending Christmas & New Year's Eve with my parents, sister & her partner, on New Year's Day (mid-afternoon, so we didn't have to wake up at the crack of dawn to get to the airport...!). 
• Went with dh to the supermarket to restock the cupboards & fridge on the morning of Jan. 2nd, and to pick up takeout en route home on Jan. 20th.
• Went to BIL & SIL's house on Tuesday & Thursday, Jan. 2nd & 4th, to visit and see Little Great-Nephew, who was still on school vacation that week. 
• Celebrated my (63rd!!) birthday on Friday, Jan. 12th, with trips to the local art gallery and bookstore. 
• Had dinner with BIL & SIL at Younger Nephew's nearby townhouse on Monday, Jan. 15th (we walked over), with Little Great-Niece providing the entertainment. :)  
• Got haircuts in our old community on Friday Jan. 19th, and went to the mall there to shop and have an early lunch in the food court.  
• Had lunch with the nephews and their families at BIL's on Saturday, Jan. 20th, then headed across the city to visit stepMIL & family (for the first time in nearly a year -- erk!).  
• Went out shopping on Jan. 30th at Staples, Homesense, Dollarama and Sephora (where I picked up my birthday bonus gift!), and to the local mega-bookstore on Jan. 31st. 

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Also right now:  

Reading: I finished 4 books in January (reviewed on this blog, as well as Goodreads & StoryGraph, & tagged "2024 books").  

• "The Christmas Orphans Club" by Becca Freeman. (Recommended by Nora McInerny of Terrible, Thanks for Asking.) (My review -- see also "Listening," below.) 
• "Anne's House of Dreams" by L.M. Montgomery, for my LMM Readathon Facebook group, starting Jan. 15th. This is one that's near & dear to many loss mothers' hearts, including mine. (My review.) 
• "Bel Lamington" by D.E. Stevenson, in advance of my DES group's chapter-by-chapter read & discussion, which began Jan. 18th. (My review.) 
• "Living the Life Unexpected" by Jody Day.  A re-read (for the 5th time, I think! -- second time with a group of other childless women within the private online Gateway/Lighthouse Women community, one chapter a month for an entire year). (My most recent review -- with links to previous reviews -- here.) 

This brings me to 4 books read so far in 2024, 9% of my 2024 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books.  I am currently 1 book ahead of my goal.  :)

Current read(s): 

• "Best of Friends" by Kamila Shamsie (the February pick for my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club). (Almost done this one!)
• "Bel Lamington" by D.E. Stevenson -- (re)reading and discussing, chapter-by-chapter, with my DES group, as of Jan. 18th. I'll count this as a re-read when we finish in April. (My original review here.) 
• "Anne's House of Dreams" by L.M. Montgomery, a re-read with my LMM Readathon Facebook group, which began Jan. 15th and will run over the next several months. (My original review here.) 
• "War and Peace" by Leo Tolstoy (!). As I wrote here, I need another book club/readalong obligation like a hole in the head  ;)  but nevertheless, I'm taking part in a year-long readalong of this book, hosted by Simon at Footnotes and Tangents -- a chapter a day for a full year, which began Jan. 1, 2024. I got about 60 pages read one summer between university terms, about 40 years ago -- let's see how far I get this time around...!  Currently at about 11% read.  
• "Wolf Hall" by Hilary Mantel.  Simon at Footnotes and Tangents is also hosting a full-year readalong of Hilary Mantel's Thomas Cromwell Trilogy, which also began on Jan. 1st with "Wolf Hall" and a weekly schedule.  (Yes, I'm nuts...)  Currently at about 23% read. We're due to finish this one (and then begin "Bring Up the Bodies") in late April. 
• "L.M. Montgomery and Gender," an essay collection edited by E. Holly Pike & Laura Robinson. Slowly working my way through...! 

Coming up: Most of my book groups have their next reads plotted out for a few months in advance -- and listing them here helps me keep track of what I should be reading next. ;)  

• For my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club: 
• "The Improbability of Love" by Hannah Rothschild (April)
• "Queen High/Queen Wallis" by C.J. Carey (May -- my earlier review here). Sequel to "Widowland," which the group read in November 2021 (reviewed here).  Not sure if I'm going to do a re-read (of one or both?) before our discussion begins? 
• "All In" by Billie Jean King (June)
• For my D.E. Stevenson group:  This list of upcoming books should keep us busy through 2024, and well into 2025!  (A couple of the books are ones we covered when I first joined the group back in 2014 -- you know you've been around for a while when....!)  
• Fletcher’s End (sequel to "Bel Lamington," beginning in May) 
• Miss Buncle’s Book
• Peter West 
• Miss Buncle Married
• The Two Mrs Abbotts
• Crooked Adam 
• The Four Graces

• For the Notes from Three Pines (Louise Penny mysteries) Readalong: The last discussion was for book #3, "The Cruellest Month," posted June 7th -- no further posts/books since then.  I've continued dipping into the series on my own, between other book club obligations. Book #6, "Bury Your Dead," is on the horizon as one of my next reads...! 

A few recently purchased titles (mostly in digital format, mostly discounted ($5-10 or less) or purchased with points):  

• "O Caledonia" by Elspeth Barker
• "Real Self-Care" by Pooja Lakshmin 
• "Quit" by Annie Duke
• "Bogie & Bacall" by William J. Mann 
• "The Girl in the Middle" by Anais Granofsky (who played Lucy on "Degrassi Junior High" and "Degrassi High" in the 1980s & 90s). 
• "Blood" by Dr. Jen Gunter (paperback) 

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Watching: 

• Season 10 of "Finding Your Roots" on PBS. Some great guests so far, including Alanis Morrisette, Valerie Bertinelli, Brendan Fraser, Sammy Hagar and Bob Odenkirk (to name a few). 
• Figure skating:  Canadian national championships from Calgary on the weekend of Jan. 13th via livestream (mentioned here), and then the U.S. Nationals in Columbus, Ohio, on the weekend of Jan. 26th on NBC (while dh was watching NFL football...!). 

Listening:

To a couple of podcasts (yay! -- I'm WAY behind!): 

• New Legacy Radio, with Stella Duffy speaking about menopause (Jan. 16th episode), and Dr. Erin Conner about pronatalist workplace culture (Jan. 23rd, repeat episode). 
• The Terrible Reading Club, December 2023 episode, with Nora McInerny talking to Becca Freeman about her new novel, "The Christmas Orphans Club" (see "Reading," above for links to the book and to my review!).
• "Terrible, Thanks for Asking,"  also with Nora McInerny. I finally got around to listening to the Aug. 15th (2023) episode, "Still a Family," about a couple whose infertility journey ended without a child.  It's a tough listen (have kleenex handy), but it's also wonderful for a CNBC story to get this kind of recognition. 

To Heardle Decades: Stats as of  Jan. 31st:   

• Heardle 60s:  76.7% (371/484, 160 on first guess), down just slightly from the same as last month. Max. streak: 15.
• Heardle 70s:  82.5% (189/229, 103 on the first guess), up from last month. Max. streak: 18. (I TIED my past streak of 18, two days ago -- but lost out before I could surpass it. Curse you, "Autobahn" by Kraftwerk!  lol)(I've heard the song before, but the opening seconds had me stumped...!) 
• Heardle 80s: 44.6% (45/101,  19 on the first guess), down from last month. Max. streak: 4. 
• Heardle 90s: 31.5% (68/216, 14 on the first guess), down from last month. Max. streak: 4. 

Following: The discussions on "War & Peace" in Footnotes & Tangents' Substack Chats. They add so much to the experience & my enjoyment of the book! 

Eating/Drinking:  Since returning home from Christmas holidays, takeout dinners have included our favourite wood oven pizza, pasta, veal & chicken cutlet sandwiches, chicken fingers and fries. 

We had sausages, potatos & peppers (dh's favourite) at Younger Nephew's townhouse, on Jan. 15th. :)  And takeout Portuguese chicken with rice and roasted potatos for lunch at BIL's on Jan. 20th. 

Crockpot chicken and dumplings, which we have year round, but tastes especially good at this time of year...!  (Not sure if I've shared this recipe here before, but I'm sharing it now/again!)  Generally love it, but the first time we tried this, it was WAY too salty, so (recipe instructions to the contrary), we now use reduced-sodium soup & broth, and have cut way back on the added salt. We use a bag of miniature carrots (cut into smaller pieces) and frozen peas for the veggies, and Pillsbury Country Biscuits for the dumplings, chopped into small pieces. (My parents don't use all the biscuits in the can, and bake a couple of them to eat with the meal.)  We use two chicken breasts for dh & me, and usually have lots of leftovers!   

Buying (besides books, lol):  Some paper and ink for my printer from Staples.  Some goodies for Little Great-Nephew and Little Great-Niece for Valentine's Day & Easter, while at the dollar store  :)  and a couple of books for them at the mega-bookstore.  A new kind of lip balm to try (La Neige, grapefruit flavour) from Sephora. And I just ordered a "mystery bag" from my favourite local sterling silver jewelry maker -- four or five pieces of sterling silver jewelry, $250 value for $100. Can't wait to see what I get...! 

Wearing: The more explicitly holiday-themed waffle-weave PJ tops from Old Navy in my collection have been put away, but I'm still wearing some of the more winter-y designs :) (and other long-sleeved T-shirts in my collection). Generally too cool inside for shorter sleeves yet!  

Noticing:  How out of shape I am!! while speedwalking through the bitter cold over to Younger Nephew's townhouse, about 5 minutes away from us, on Jan. 15th. (I know the cold didn't help matters... but... yikes!)

Enjoying: Reading "War and Peace"!!  (See "Reading," above.)(Who would have thought??)    

Trying:  To stay warm, amid chilly temperatures! (Although it hasn't been quite as cold here as it's been out west...! -- and it's turned milder again these past few days...)  

Appreciating:  Since we got back from Christmas, BIL has seemed more like his old self than he has in at least a year.  So long as his doctors approve (and there doesn't seem to be any reason why they wouldn't), he's planning on returning to work soon. He hopes to put in a couple more years before he retires. (Silly boy, lol -- he probably could have stayed on disability and then segued into his pensions when he turned 65 -- but we're so grateful that he feels able to do that!)  

Wanting: To get to a couple more stores in the next little while to take advantage of the birthday offers/discounts I received via email, before they expire.  :)  

Wondering:  What's being planned for Little Great-Niece's FIRST first birthday at the end of February?  (That year went by fast! -- only wish we'd been able to see more of her...!) 

Prioritizing: Not sure -- so many things competing for my attention right now...!  

Hoping: That February will be less grey & dreary (but I doubt it...!).  

Loving:  Any time we can spend with Little Great-Nephew (and now Little Great-Niece too). :)  Feels like we don't see enough of the little guy since he started school last fall. :(  

Feeling:  Tired of winter already (with February still to come...!).  Dreading the coming months, as the U.S. election cycle launches into full swing... :p  (Appreciating our much-shorter Canadian election cycles...!)  

#MicroblogMondays: Odds & ends

(I don't particularly like combining an "odds & ends" post with #MicroblogMondays, but it's what I have today so... here it is!)  

• I don't remember exactly where I found Ryan Rose Weaver on Substack, but I think it was in a response to another Substacker's post where she mentioned her pregnancy loss.  This interview she did with Jess Van Wyen, who has chosen to remain childless/free after loss -- not a miscarriage or stillbirth but a termination for medical reasons (TFMR -- in plain language, an abortion) -- and has since become an advocate for reproductive rights -- is truly inspiring and says so many of the things many of us as childless women are thinking, feeling and wishing we could tell other people about our lives.  **Content warning: Given the sensitive topic, this may or may not be a good fit for you as a reader. Also, pregnancy & baby loss photos are included.** 
• Lyz Lenz at "Men Yell at Me" has a new book coming out soon about divorce, "This American Ex-Wife." (She also has a new podcast by the same name.) In a recent discussion thread,  she asked her subscribers (which includes me) to weigh in on "the moment when you knew it was time to quit."  
• Said Lyz:  "I want to expand this beyond marriages. I want to know the moment when you knew it was time to quit — your job, your relationship, your friendships. Let’s talk about our moments of breaking." 
• I posted about the moment when I knew it was time to quit infertility treatments and accept a permanently childless life (which I've written about on this blog). Another woman posted something similar not long after I did, too.  :)  
• So far, my comment has received 37 (!) "likes" as well as a couple of replies.   
• I'm a big fan of my fellow Manitoban Dr. Jen Gunter :)  and I am looking forward to picking up a copy of her latest book, "Blood" (about menstruation), which was released this past week. Here's a great review from The Guardian. 
• Totally non-ALI-related, but I thought it was worthwhile passing along:  I'm a (non-paid) subscriber to Chris Cilizza's Substack, "So What?"  Chris writes primarily about U.S. politics, which is what he did when he was at CNN and (before that) the Washington Post. But he's also written a lot about the experience of losing his job at CNN -- including this piece here.  
• Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.  I can relate, and I know I would have appreciated his words back then. 
• (In July, it will be TEN YEARS since I got my own marching papers!! Can you believe it?? Yikes!!)  
• All of my job loss-related posts are tagged "job loss,"  here. 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

No grandkids? (Welcome to my world...)

Last weekend's Globe & Mail had a really interesting -- and intelligent -- article ("Baby boomers are adjusting to a new retirement normal: No grandchildren") and accompanying 21-minute podcast about the growing numbers of would-be grandparents and their childless/free adult children, and the grief some of them are feeling about their lack of grandchildren. (You can find the podcast at the link above, or on any of the major podcast platforms -- it's called The Decibel, Jan. 19th episode.)  The reporter, Zosia Bielski, describes herself as childfree by choice, and has written other interesting articles about population and generational issues. 

I didn't realize it at the time, because I'm a digital-only subscriber, but the article was featured prominently, with the feature photo taking up most of the front page of the Saturday/weekend edition. It's generated a huge amount of reader comments (now closed to further responses).  (As usual, BEWARE THE COMMENTS!) 

The focus is on adult children choosing to be childfree, and their (Boomer) parents' reactions to that choice. There's no mention of the fact that not all boomers are parents to begin with (and thus will never be grandparents either). (Ahem!)(Late-stage Boomer/early GenXer here...!)  

But (surprisingly! and happily) our "not by choice" segment does get mentioned in both the article and the podcast. Laura Carroll, who literally wrote the book on pronatalism ("The Baby Matrix" -- which I read & reviewed here) and Therese Schecter, who filmed the wonderful documentary "My So-Called Selfish Life" (both childfree by choice), are among those interviewed. 

Part of me was rolling my eyes as I read, thinking, "Oh, boo-frickin'-hoo -- welcome to our world! -- At least you got to be a parent!" -- right? 

But there's a LOT here that will) sound familiar! 

*** *** *** 

There was also a live Q&A with the reporter earlier today (Jan. 23rd). (Beware some of the comments there too...!) 

One reader asked "How are baby boomers who were expecting to fill their time being a grandparent figuring out what to do in their senior years instead?"  I thought Bielski's response was really interesting (particularly the part that I've highlighted in boldface): 

I think baby boomers, as boomers, are primed to change the script and chart their own course. This is an active cohort, a fit cohort, with disposable income and ample opportunities to fill their retired time. It's an adjustment, to be sure, but a necessary one if caregiving for g-kids is no longer in the mix.  

I think it's a uniquely North American question: how do we fill retirement time? Can we imagine Italians grappling with that question? (by the way, Italy registered its fewest babies since 1861 in 2022). 

We have to question why we invest so little in our off time, in the years post-career. Why does retirement terrify so many North Americans -- the "filling of time"? And why is it even more terrifying without grandkids to fill the void? 

These questions are even more relevant as birth rates decline and grandkids aren't a guarantee.

(Dh & I often get asked, "What do you DO all day??"  Dh came up with what I think is the perfect response:  "Whatever we want!"  lol)   

Bielski was also asked (in part)(and I'm itching to correct the spelling errors in the original...! lol):  

I think we have to accept that a new normal has evolved - get married later- decide on the question of children , while consciously deciding if that is the right individual/ couple choice. Looking at other's in our social group, those with adult children who have chosen not to parent are bothered - inflicting their values on their kid's. There are lots of opportunities to use one's grandparenting energy on other youths , why not direct oneself there?

Bielski's response (in part -- boldfaced emphasis mine):  

You're pointing to other opportunities to nurture -- other people, other children. And I think that is gradually coming to pass, in some families. The question is whether the rest of us can expand our thinking, our notions of family and fulfillment, and allow these people their ways of adapting to "new normals."

Yes!   

#MicroblogMondays: Busted?

Yesterday, I finished a year-long group read & discussion of Jody Day's classic book for the childless-not-by-choice community, "Living the Life Unexpected" (reviewed slightly more fully on this blog in my most recent post, here).  After I wrote the review here, I posted abbreviated versions on both Goodreads & StoryGraph, as I do with all the books I read. 

I was, by turns, taken aback, somewhat amused -- and then touched -- to see that a family member -- not a close one, but a relative by marriage -- someone I've known since they were a baby, from the younger generation (who does not have children themselves -- at least, not yet) -- had left a comment -- and so had obviously seen & read -- my Goodreads review. 

I had to dig around to find the comment. It was simply a heart icon. :)  Awwww.  

Knowing that someone I knew "in real life" had seen something as personal as this would have sent me panicking 10 or 15 years ago (as it did here) -- but I do have a couple of family members among my followers on Goodreads. I know it's possible they'll see when I post reviews of books that are obviously about childlessness (in which I sometimes mention my own experiences, albeit not in quite as much detail as I do when I review the same books here on my blog). 

I know it's also possible this person might tell other family members what they saw.

I'm (still) not sure I'd be quite so blase if I knew this person (or another family member) was reading my blog...! But I've decided I'm okay with a Goodreads review. ;)  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.