My blog is a teenager :)

(Taking my cue from Lori's "Not So Unlucky 13" post, back in May!)  :)  

October 31, 2007: 

• I was 46 years old, married for 22 years. 
• I was in my 21st year of working in the corporate communications department of one of Canada's major banks. (Dh worked for the same bank too.)  
• We spent 2+ hours (round trip) commuting (by car & commuter train, door to door to door) to and from work ever day. 
• October 31st was year-end for my company, with results reported in late November/early December. My department was in charge of all non-financial aspects of the annual report, and October through late January was generally the busiest and most stressful time of the year for us. 
• We had been living in a smallish three-bedroom house with a big back yard in a pleasant suburb near Toronto for 17 years. We thought we would be there for a few years & then move up to something larger as our family expanded...  
• Our two nephews were 19 & 15 years old. 
• It was 9 years after the stillbirth of our daughter, Katie, and 6 years since our last fertility treatment. The 10-year "anniversary" of her loss was looming large in my mind, and I found myself thinking a lot about her and what had happened. 
• We'd been facilitating the local chapter of a pregnancy loss support group for 7 years, after spending more than a year there as clients ourselves. 
• I'd been posting & lurking on several online forums for pregnancy loss, infertility and even a (very) few that I'd found for childless-not-by-choice women. And I'd recently discovered blogs -- including Stirrup Queens and Coming2Terms. I was intrigued, and posted a few tentative comments.
• On Halloween night, I held my breath & hit "publish" on my own very first blog post. 

October 31, 2020:   

• I will be 60 on my next birthday (!) and we celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary this past summer. 
• I was "reorganized" out of my job in July 2014 (at age 53) and took early retirement when my severance ran out. Dh lost his job in April 2013 and did the same. An earlier-than-expected retirement for both of us, but we have not regretted it!  
• Four years ago, we sold our house of unfulfilled dreams, downsized our belongings and moved into a condo in another suburb on the other side of the city, closer to dh's brother and his family. 
• Our two nephews are grown up (ages 31 & 28) and married to two lovely young women. One has a son of his own, who will turn one year old, a few weeks from now. :) We love being an aunt & uncle (and now a great-aunt & great-uncle!)!  (It's NOT a substitute for parenting -- but still pretty cool on its own terms...!) 
• Katie would be 22 years old (!). I still think of her every day. (And we still visit her at the cemetery every time we are back in our old neighbourhood.)
• We stopped facilitating the pregnancy loss support group in late 2009, but remain in touch with many of the friends we made there. I am still active in several online forums for childless-not-by-choice women. 
• We're currently living in the middle of a global pandemic that has restricted our ability to travel and limited the time we've been able to spend with family & friends (including my aging parents). :(  It's a good thing we love our condo because we've spent a lot of time here over the past 8 months...! 
• And... I'm still here, still blogging! And still very grateful for all that blogging has brought to my life these past 13 years. :) 

I don't want to think too much about what might happen over the next 13 years... (for one thing, I will be... HOW OLD??!!). If the past 13 to 22 years has taught me anything, it's that life is unpredictable and we can never know what the future has in store for us, both for better and not-so-good. 

But I will never regret hitting "post" that October night, 13 years ago!  :)  

"Convenience Store Woman" by Sayaka Murata

"Convenience Store Woman" by Sayaka Murata is/was the October pick for my Gateway Women book club (in which we read & discuss books where pregnancy & children are not main plot points). 

Keiko Furakura -- single, childless and 36 years old -- has spent half her life working part-time in a convenience store. If Japan is a society of conformists, Keiko is at once both a misfit (no husband, no children, no proper job) and -- on the job, at least -- the ultimate conformist --  happily absorbing the speech patterns and dress styles of her co-workers as well as the contents of the training manuals and even the food -- to the point where it's hard to tell where Keiko ends and the store begins, and vice versa. “When I think that my body is entirely made up of food from this store,” says Keiko, “I feel like I’m as much a part of the store as the magazine racks or the coffee machine.” 

This is not a long book (almost more of a novella), but it presents a lot of food for thought about identity, belonging, "normalcy," the pressure to conform, the working world (being a "corporate cog") and what society expects of us.  Kirkus notes in its review: 

Murata provides deceptively sharp commentary on the narrow social slots people—particularly women—are expected to occupy and how those who deviate can inspire bafflement, fear, or anger in others. Indeed, it’s often more interesting to observe surrounding characters’ reactions to Keiko than her own, sometimes leaving the protagonist as a kind of prop.

It's quirky and comical in parts -- but there are also some dark undercurrents. The Guardian review calls it "sublimely weird";  the New Yorker, in its review, calls it "eerie" and remarks on "the creepiness of [Keiko's] cheerful obedience to the manual." (Someone in our GW book club discussion suggested Keiko might be autistic, while others saw parallels to "Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine.")  In part, it's a love story -- where the romance is not with a man (although there is a potential love interest in the story -- of sorts...!) but the store itself. (This is made abundantly clear in the essay written by Murata that follows the main text at the end of the book.)  

I gave "Convenience Store Woman" 3.5 stars on Goodreads, rounded up to 4 -- because it's so original and it made me think. 

This was Book #37 read to date in 2020 (Book #2 finished in October), bringing me to 123% of my 2020 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 30 books. I have completed & now exceeded my challenge goal for the year by 7 books, and am (for the moment, anyway...!) 13 books ahead of schedule. :)  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2020 tagged as "2020 books." 

"Rage" by Bob Woodward

"Rage," the new book by legendary Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward, offers a behind-the-scenes look at the latter half of the Trump presidency.  His first book about the Trump White House was 2018's "Fear," which I reviewed here. 

Woodward began examining the administration's national security and intelligence operations in the fall of 2019.  Former Cabinet members James Mattis, Rex Tillerson and Dan Coats were obviously primary sources. But his focus necessarily shifted in early 2020 as the COVID-19 pandemic intervened and quickly became the defining story of the Trump presidency.  

More than in some of his previous books (that I've read, & that I can remember, anyway), Woodward inserts himself into the story, sharing verbatim excerpts from the transcripts of his 16 taped conversations with the president (plus one more where he just took notes). And he weighs in at the very end of the book with his personal judgment of Trump's presidency. (You can probably guess...)

This book, like all of Woodward's books, is meticulously researched and documented. It's well written, readable (in terms of the quality of writing, anyway) and insightful. And yet... I have to admit, I had a tough time slogging through this one. It took me forever (more than a month, anyway). I chalk it up to the subject matter, the heavy use of verbatim quotes (with Trump rambling all over the place as usual) and perhaps the timing (just before the U.S. election -- plus other stressful distractions competing for my attention). I'm a political junkie, I like to be well informed and I love a well-written book on politics &/or political figures -- but seriously, there is only so much about Trump that even I can take -- and this close to the critical U.S. election, perhaps it was just a little too much. Your mileage may vary...! 

I debated the Goodreads rating for this one, but I ultimately settled on four stars (because it really is an important & well done book). 

This was Book #36 read to date in 2020 (Book #1 finished in October), bringing me to 120%!! of my 2020 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 30 books. I have completed & now exceeded my challenge goal for the year by 6 books, and am (for the moment, anyway...!) 12 books ahead of schedule. :)  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2020 tagged as "2020 books." 

Friday night odds & ends

•  All day yesterday, I kept looking for Mel's Friday blog roundup. I usually read it on my phone as I'm eating breakfast -- but it wasn't there. I kept checking during the day, and still nothing. I thought, "Gee, that's odd -- Mel hardly ever misses a roundup!"  Then it finally hit me:  IT WASN'T FRIDAY. (lol) The days all run together sometimes when you're retired, and even more so in COVID times...!  (The round-up was there as usual this morning.) 
• My gynecologist appointment was Wednesday... when we got home, my family doctor's office returned my call about flu shots & asked if we could come Friday morning. We said yes. But Fridays are usually housecleaning days for us. Thursdays we do laundry (if there's going to be lint flying around, it might as well happen just before we vacuum, right?  lol).  So we did the laundry Wednesday night and cleaned on Thursday, by which time I had no idea what day it was anymore...!
• We recently discovered that CBC-TV has been showing "Downton Abbey" reruns, late on weekday afternoons. Some days it's on for an hour, sometimes an hour & a half and sometimes two hours (two episodes). (I suspect the episodes have been trimmed a bit to allow for commercials that weren't shown on PBS, or the original-original BBC showings -- but, whatever! -- I'll take it, lol.)  We stumbled on to an episode just before the end of season 1, and we're now early in season 3.  I started watching later in the series when it was on PBS (although -- thanks to my friends' chatter in the office and online, I was already pretty familiar with all the characters and the main plotlines...!), and we caught up on several previous seasons during a PBS marathon weekend ;)  but we have yet to see the earlier episodes of season one. It's a great distraction from things like COVID-19 & U.S. elections & fibroids (although we just came through the episode about the Spanish flu pandemic earlier this week...!). Dh -- who used to scoff & roll his eyes and then head off to bed early while I watched -- is now completely hooked!! (lol)  
• Lyz Lenz had a great article in Glamour last week:  "The Power—And Threat—Of Mothers Like Amy Coney Barrett."  The subhead reads:  "In America, “motherhood” is a credential for a certain kind of mother. The bad mothers are the rest of us."  (Waving wildly:  Hello... And those of us who aren't mothers at all...?? Where does this leave US?) (There is one brief mention in the article of "women who are not mothers.")  I really like Lenz's writing and her argument is bang on -- as far as it goes -- but I do wish she'd stretch her logic just a wee bit further, and spare more than a single thought for those of us who aren't mothers at all when she talks about the deification of motherhood (but only certain types of mothers). 
• That said, it's a great article & worth a read. Sample passages: 
• "She’s a mother, so you can trust her. She’s a mother, so she must be good. Never mind that motherhood should not be a factor in a person’s job interview. No, it should not be used against someone. It is also not a qualification."
• "But in touting the motherhood of Coney Barrett, Republicans haven’t just insulated Coney Barrett from Democrats’ questioning. They also remind the public that a woman’s worth is primarily a measure of her reproductive capabilities."
• "America has long lauded this certain kind of mother—white, successful, walks into church holding hands with her husband, has dinner on the table at 6 p.m., with a circle of children around her. Most mothers in America do not look like this." 

The Pandemic Project, Part 4

Back in March, I posted about my voluntary participation in a survey from the University of Texas. The Pandemic Project is studying how people's lives are being affected during the COVID-19 pandemic, how they are coping and how reactions are changing over time. When I responded to the first survey, I consented to be contacted for followup. I received an invitation to complete a second survey in May (and posted about the results here), and a third survey in July (results here).  

I consented to be contacted for another follow-up survey, and received (and completed) my fourth survey today (although the title of the email read "The Pandemic Project Version 5"?).  :)  The surveys take about 15-20 minutes to complete, and at the end, you receive scores in certain categories and suggestions on coping strategies (which can be emailed to you). 

It's been interesting to track my scores in the same categories from survey to survey to survey! 

• On a scale of 0 to 10, my Social Connection score was 7.3, which is higher than average. "This is a very good sign given the restrictions on social behavior," I was told. This is the same score I received in the second survey in May and the third survey in July.  In the first survey, my Social Connection score was not quite as high -- 6.2, or average. 
• My COVID Obsession score was 4.8 this time around -- in the mid-range. My score here has dropped considerably -- from a whopping 10 out of 10 in the first survey in March (!), to 7.1 in the second to 6 in the third. This is a good thing, I think. ;)  (Although I also think that perhaps my U.S. Election Obsession might have taken over, and my score in that department would probably be of more concern...!)  Nevertheless, I've still been advised that "In the days and weeks ahead, it might be healthy to pull back from your habits of watching all of latest news, rumors, theories, and stories about the outbreak... Watching or reading too much news about the coronavirus is bad for your health." 

• My Healthy Habits score was 5.4 -- the same as it was in the July survey -- which means that my general health habits are about average. In other words, my life style is generally good but there is still room for improvement. This score was down from 6.2 in the first two surveys.  

• My COVID-related Anxiety and Distress score was 6.7 -- mid-range, and similar to the average person. "Your score suggests that you have some anxiety and distress about the outbreak which makes sense." This was down from 7.3 in the second and third surveys, although up just slightly from 6.6 on the first survey.

Did you take the quiz?  What did you learn from your results?  (If you haven't taken part yet but this has piqued your curiosity, check it out here.) 

State of the uterus: Waiting

Yesterday was my appointment with the gynecologist. I went fully prepared for the endometrial biopsy that my family doctor had asked for -- took some extra ibuprofen before I left, wore a pantyliner. 

And... he didn't do it. Didn't even have to take my clothes off, lol -- we just chatted. He wants to do a hysteroscopy & d&c instead. He explained that the endometrial biopsy would only be able to sample a small area of tissue. This way, he can take a larger sample of tissue (the ultrasound showed some slight thickening of the lining), remove any polyps that might be there and generally have a look around... especially since my bicornuate uterus sometimes makes that difficult to do. 

So that will be Friday, Nov. 27th. It's an outpatient procedure at a local hospital (the same one where my SIL had her hysterectomy three years ago with the same dr).  They will put me under to do it. He said they could also do it at a clinic, but because I have high blood pressure, it's safer to do it in the hospital. I'll need to go to the hospital about a week in advance for bloodwork, and self-isolate 48 hours in advance. (I said that wouldn't be a problem since I'm at home for days on end these days anyway...!)  

I'm not especially thrilled about it, but, whatever. I'm glad things are progressing. I just wish I didn't have to wait five weeks. Hopefully I won't have to wait too long after that for the results. My mother said, "He'll probably do a d&c on you"  when I told her what was going on. She was right! 

I did like him. He was quite thorough in his explanations & answered my questions -- didn't seem like he was trying to rush me out the door. He asked about my reproductive history, of course, and when I told him I had one pregnancy, no children, and why, he shook his head and said, "That's a terrible thing to go through." Thanks, doc. 

No spotting today or yesterday. Today is four weeks (!) since the spotting started. It doesn't seem like it's been that long... so perhaps those five weeks until my procedure will pass by just as quickly? I hope so... 

Off to our family doctor's office tomorrow for flu shots! 

Blogging & branding

As I was mulling over the subject of "coming out" as a childless person, and who we tell our stories to and why, Brooke had an interesting post about the book she is writing about Eliza (yay!), and the subject of self-promotion. Here's part of what she said (but do go over & read the whole post!):   

A couple of years ago, I started looking into agents and publishers and what I discovered is that to publish nonfiction, they mostly want you to already have some kind of platform on social media.

Here's the thing, though: I don't want to be a public figure. I don't want to run social media like it's my job. I want to have private accounts, to accept followers I know, and to post photos of my toddler eating a hunk of cheese without second guessing whether it's the kind of content people want to see (of course it is, right? We're all here for the cheese content). I don't want strangers to DM me and criticize me/my kids/my parenting/my grief. I do not have thick enough skin for that nonsense.

So I started talking to a friend and fellow baby-loss mom about the process of self-publishing. I'll be honest: as someone who reads a lot and got my PhD in a profession that is known for the slogan "publish or perish" when it comes to academic publishing, my initial feelings about self-publishing were that it was a kind of failure. It was what you do when you can't really get published. But the thing about really getting published, especially nonfiction memoir books, is that it takes more than writing talent. It enormous effort, lots of rejection, and a willingness to market and brand yourself.

That last part is where I hit a wall. I don't want to sell my book. I don't want to market it or advertise it or ask people to pre-order it. I don't want to be a brand. I don't want that pressure. I just want to make it available. 

I get this.  I've always said that I blog first and foremost for myself.  My blog is more of a "personal" blog than a "crusading" or promotional blog. As someone who will soon hit 60 (!) and who will mark her 13th (!!) blogoversary this month, I guess I now fall into what Gateway Women's Jody Day terms the "childless elders" segment of the childless-not-by-choice (CNBC) online community.  I'm really happy to know that so many people have found my blog over the years and relate to it in some way -- that at least some of my posts resonate with them and have even helped them. It's been pretty amazing to have been among the first few women blogging about this CNBC life, and to watch our community grow and flourish. I'm floored by the numbers of younger women taking up the torch these days -- maybe not on blogs, but on platforms like Instagram and Twitter and on podcasts (I think podcasts are the blogs of 2020;  it seems like everyone is starting one these days...!). 

I love my blog;  I'm so happy I've had it as an outlet for the past 13 years. I'm comfortable with it as a way of expressing myself and connecting with others who are childless not by choice -- and somehow, I keep finding things to write about. I reach out and comment on other people's blogs, if I think I have something to say, and I "like" & sometimes comment on CNBC social media posts. But as far as actively promoting/marketing my blog -- creating a "brand," building a "platform," trying to build an audience and monitoring my stats anxiously -- that's not me.  I'm not knocking those of you who do any of those things;  in fact, I admire you for putting in the time & effort and having the energy and the marketing savvy. 

But, as I admitted in the comments to Brooke on her blog post, when it comes to self-promotion, I'm basically lazy, lol.  I'm still not "out of the closet" enough to share my posts on my current (personal) social media accounts. Most of my "real life" family members & friends still don't know about my blog (although some of them know that I have "online friends"), and I'm still not comfortable sharing everything in it with them.  I know some people keep separate accounts for for public/CNBC & personal stuff, but that seems like a lot of extra work to me (plus, I think I'd live in dread as to whether I accidentally posted content meant for one account on another!). I don't want to live by a posting schedule and then feel the pressure of writing to meet those deadlines (I did enough of that at work! lol). I like being able to write what I want, when I want, when the mood strikes me. I do try to take part in Mel's #MicroblogMondays, and to write a "Right Now" post at or near the first of each month, and reviews of the books I read, shortly after I finish them, but if they don't get done, or done exactly on time, it's not a big deal.  

As Brooke said, "I don't want to be a public figure. I don't want to run social media like it's my job... I don't want to be a brand. I don't want that pressure. I just want to make it available." -- "it" in her case being her book;  in my case, my blog.  

What do you think?