I was looking at my datebook from 1998 again, and wow, the memories and the things you forget about...
Jan. 21st of that year, my grandmother's house was torn down by the town -- razed to the ground. We knew it was coming -- they had moved into an apartment years before and decided it wasn't worth paying the taxes on the property anymore -- but we still used to go over there & sit on the screened in side porch shaded by Virginia creeper. It was hard to believe that the place where both my grandmother & mother grew up and where I spent all my childhood summers & most of my Christmases was gone. I still have many dreams where I am back in that house.
Jan. 22nd, I went to my family dr for my annual Pap. I had recently been to the dentist & taken amoxicillin, because I have a very mild heart murmur. Don't know if that did the trick, but a few days later they called to tell me I had a yeast infection! Off to the drugstore to get Monistat. This was the cycle before I got pregnant, & while I vividly remember the period I had a few weeks earlier, I had totally forgotten about this little detail. Was THAT, in some strange way, the factor that made the difference in my getting pregnant a few weeks later??
The following week (the first week of February), I got my first-ever cold sore!! Dh has had them for years (so has my mother), so I suppose it was inevitable I would eventually get one myself. It was a doozy -- absolutely humungous -- a sure sign that my hormones were running amok. (And of course, a coworker I had spoken with many times on the telephone from London, England, happened to be visiting our Toronto offices & decided to stop by & say hello. I can never think of her or hear her name without thinking of that huge cold sore on my lip.) Was THAT what made the difference??
Friday, Jan. 23rd, was a bombshell of a day. Canada has five large banks -- I work for one of them in the corporate communications area (I would prefer not to say which one). That day, two of them, the Royal Bank and Bank of Montreal, announced plans to merge. A few months later, two of the other banks, CIBC and Toronto-Dominion, not wanting to be left behind while their already-gigantic rivals got even bigger, announced that they too wanted to merge. Both proposals required the consent of the Minister of Finance to proceed -- and this was ultimately NOT granted later that year. Needless to say, however, it created a huge flurry of activity for the PR & other communications people working at those banks -- not to mention a ton of STRESS, which coloured almost the entire year of 1998 for me -- not just the additional workload, but wondering whether I was going to have a job at the end of it all. I can remember the day the CIBC-TD proposal was announced, sitting at my desk, pregnant, typing furiously & feeling stressed, & looking at my pregnant belly thinking, "Oh baby, this is NOT good for you." :( Was this what made the difference in the eventual outcome of my pregnancy? I'm sure it certainly didn't help...
Saturday night, Jan. 23, we went for dinner at dh's cousin's house to mark his uncle's 75th birthday. This past week (talking present-day now), we were at a first birthday party, and this uncle's daughter mentioned, "My dad would have been 85 years old this week." He passed away just shy of his 80th birthday. He specifically requested no party, just dinner with his own immediate family, and dh & his brother (his sister's sons -- they were the oldest brother & sister among their siblings). There were five small children among us, and they opened all the presents and kept us all entertained.
The following week, our next-door neighbours moved out, and a few days later, the new neighbours moved in -- a (then) childless couple. We weren't sorry to see the old neighbours go. They had four (!) children in a small three-bedroom house. They were the type of neighbours who were always asking when we were going to have kids & pointing to their own four & saying, "Wouldn't you just love to have one of these?" Ugh.
Friday the 30th, BIL got the snip (I can't believe I actually marked that in my datebook!). They were done with their family after two -- & after almost 13 years of marriage & 2.5 years of ttc, we hadn't even managed one yet.
Sunday, Feb. 1st, we went to see "Good Will Hunting" at the movies. Our lives were about to change forever, although we didn't yet know it.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
A birthday party, a phone call and a spot of bother
Last weekend just zoomed right by. Sunday afternoon, we went to a first birthday party for the baby boy of one of dh's cousins (who was 39 when he was born and, rumour has it, conceived via IVF). His big brother will be will be 10 in April & is six months older than Katie would have been. I had just found out I was pg when I went to this cousin's baby shower, & can remember everyone congratulating me & asking me questions and telling me, "You're next!" Another cousin's baby (also a boy, thankfully) was born six months later, in April 1999, so I look at the two of them & gauge how big Katie would be now & the kind of things she would be doing. I can never help but see the two of them at family gatherings without seeing a little girl in the middle between them.
The party was at an indoor sports centre that had indoor soccer & floor hockey courts, so the kids had a blast, running around playing hockey -- not to mention the big kids, i.e., dh & all the guys! He said the next morning, "I never ached all over like this after playing hockey when I was 15." lol I wound up sitting & talking with SIL & the girl cousins/wives, who talked nonstop about... (guess!)... their kids!! It actually wasn't bad, so far as these events go. I was, of course, the only woman there without kids. (Actually not -- the cousin's unmarried & childless aunt on the other side of the family was there too, but I really don't know her.) There was one other baby there who will be 1 in March (also rumoured to be an IVF baby -- the parents were both 43 when she was born, after 10+ years of marriage). Most of the kids are getting older now -- several teenagers in the bunch, even -- so I didn't feel quite so envious when I heard stories about broken curfews and lost cellphones and fretting about why they're not interested in going to university and what they should do instead, etc., lol. To be honest, I'm finding lately that I'm not feeling so much angst at these events as boredom. Of course I have nothing much to contribute to the conversation.
I talked to my parents later that night. Their neighbours (a couple in their late 50s/early 60s) just learned they are going to be grandparents for the first time in May. My dad said they didn't sound too excited about it, & the wife had made a crack about how it was a good thing the kids don't live too close so they won't expect free babysitting all the time. It's the kind of throwaway remark that unthinking fertiles make all the time, but I still felt bad that my parents -- who would have loved to have been grandparents, & would have been fabulous ones -- had to be subjected to that.
Back in November, I wrote a post about having some midcycle spotting on day 17 of my cycle. I went on to have a normal period on schedule, and then another full, uneventful cycle. Yesterday was day 17 again and, voila! spotting again. Just a small amount of orange-red when I wiped myself that morning which, over the course of the day, tapered to a brownish stain and then into nothingness, just like the last time. I had been feeling some cramping on my left side the day before, & felt somewhat crampy all day yesterday -- I often have midcycle crampiness right around ovulation, but never spotting until now.
When it first happened back in November, I called my ob-gyn's office then & his secretary told me it was not unheard of (especially for 47-year-old women), but to call back if it happened again. So I called her yesterday on my cellphone during my break. She said she would talk to the dr & see whether he wanted me to come in for an ultrasound before my annual Pap/checkup in mid-March. No call today -- I will follow up tomorrow. I know it's very like perimenopause rearing its head (groan) -- at least, I hope that's what it is. Preferable to some of the alternatives.
The party was at an indoor sports centre that had indoor soccer & floor hockey courts, so the kids had a blast, running around playing hockey -- not to mention the big kids, i.e., dh & all the guys! He said the next morning, "I never ached all over like this after playing hockey when I was 15." lol I wound up sitting & talking with SIL & the girl cousins/wives, who talked nonstop about... (guess!)... their kids!! It actually wasn't bad, so far as these events go. I was, of course, the only woman there without kids. (Actually not -- the cousin's unmarried & childless aunt on the other side of the family was there too, but I really don't know her.) There was one other baby there who will be 1 in March (also rumoured to be an IVF baby -- the parents were both 43 when she was born, after 10+ years of marriage). Most of the kids are getting older now -- several teenagers in the bunch, even -- so I didn't feel quite so envious when I heard stories about broken curfews and lost cellphones and fretting about why they're not interested in going to university and what they should do instead, etc., lol. To be honest, I'm finding lately that I'm not feeling so much angst at these events as boredom. Of course I have nothing much to contribute to the conversation.
I talked to my parents later that night. Their neighbours (a couple in their late 50s/early 60s) just learned they are going to be grandparents for the first time in May. My dad said they didn't sound too excited about it, & the wife had made a crack about how it was a good thing the kids don't live too close so they won't expect free babysitting all the time. It's the kind of throwaway remark that unthinking fertiles make all the time, but I still felt bad that my parents -- who would have loved to have been grandparents, & would have been fabulous ones -- had to be subjected to that.
Back in November, I wrote a post about having some midcycle spotting on day 17 of my cycle. I went on to have a normal period on schedule, and then another full, uneventful cycle. Yesterday was day 17 again and, voila! spotting again. Just a small amount of orange-red when I wiped myself that morning which, over the course of the day, tapered to a brownish stain and then into nothingness, just like the last time. I had been feeling some cramping on my left side the day before, & felt somewhat crampy all day yesterday -- I often have midcycle crampiness right around ovulation, but never spotting until now.
When it first happened back in November, I called my ob-gyn's office then & his secretary told me it was not unheard of (especially for 47-year-old women), but to call back if it happened again. So I called her yesterday on my cellphone during my break. She said she would talk to the dr & see whether he wanted me to come in for an ultrasound before my annual Pap/checkup in mid-March. No call today -- I will follow up tomorrow. I know it's very like perimenopause rearing its head (groan) -- at least, I hope that's what it is. Preferable to some of the alternatives.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Barren B*tches Book Brigade: "The Jane Austen Book Club"
This is the second time I've taken part in the Barren B*tches Book Brigade via the Stirrup Queen's blog. In a departure from the past, this tour's selection is a non-infertility related volume, The Jane Austen Book Club by Karen Joy Fowler. This was a nice read over Christmas vacation for me, being both an avid reader, someone who's always thought it would be fun to be part of a book club (so here I am...!), and a reader who's enjoyed three of Austen's five novels. I do wonder what readers who are not familiar with at least some of Jane Austen's books thought about it. Which is not to say you shouldn't read the novel if you haven't read Austen (it's a fun novel on its own merits, and there is even a synopsis of all of Austen's book plots at the back to help you out), but I imagine your perspective may be quite different.
I read those three Austen novels some years ago (so the synopsis at the back was helpful in refreshing my memory!), & have the other two in my perpetural "to read" pile. I first read Austen -- Emma -- in my first-year university English class on the the history of the novel. I loved the course, the book & the professor. I later read Pride & Prejudice and Sense & Sensibility on my own. Saw the film version of Emma with Gwyneth Paltrow & Toni Collette, and parts of Pride & Prejudice with Laurence Olivier & Greer Garson (but not (yet), alas, the infamous version with Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy, nor the latest incarnation with Keira Knightley as Elizabeth). Also saw Sense & Sensibility with Emma Thompson and Kate Winslet as the sisters, and Hugh Grant & Alan Rickman as the men in their lives. (This movie is notable for being the one period movie/chick flick I ever dragged dh to that he did NOT wind up liking!) Oh yes, and Bride & Prejudice, the modern-day Indian/Bollywood take on the novel starring the beauteous Aishwarya Rai, which was a hoot.
The way the BBBB works is people sign up, read the book & submit a question. All the questions are distributed to all the participants, and we pick at least three to answer in our blog. After reading my take on the book, you can hp along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Embryo Culture by Beth Kohl (with author participation!).
Okay, on to some of the questions! (Some of them were similar, in which case, I've grouped them together.)
In one part of the book, Jocelyn and Sylvia were discussing happiness. One of them said that "Happiness in marriage is mostly luck..." What are your thoughts on happiness? Do you think that our happiness in life is mostly luck? Do we have some control over how happy we are?
I looked back through my book and couldn't find this passage. At any rate, I think luck does play a role in our lives, but I think we create our own luck & our own happiness to some extent too. Life takes unexpected turns sometimes -- it's up to us what we do when that happens.
Which character in the Jane Austen Book Club did you most relate to? And what is your favorite Jane Austen novel and why?
I didn't recall any one character jumping out at me & thinking, "Oh my gosh, she's just like me!" Flipping back through the book, two characters reminded me of myself. First, Prudie, which surprised me to some extent, because I actually found her a little on the unlikeable side. In the scene where she & Jocelyn meet at the movie theatre & Jocelyne shushes the people talking -- I'm like Prudie. People talking in movie theatres (or on the commuter train!) drive me nuts, but I would never (or very rarely) speak up about it, and I would probably die of embarrassment if dh ever did. Like Prudie, I'm very organized, with to-do lists all over the place. Like Prudie, I have said things I have regretted (to my mother & others), and cringe at the memory now. Like Prudie, I have/had (especially as a child) a hugely rich fantasy life and sometimes found real life dull & disappointing by comparison.
I had to laugh when I read the sentence (Prudie, about her husband-to-be Dean): "Forget the fact that he would look so good walking in next to her at her high school reunions. Some people would be so surprised." I was always regarded as something of a geek in high school and never had a date. In grade 12, I got contact lenses, which boosted my confidence immensely, & then I went off to university, which was a whole new ball game. In the spring of my first year, I met J., who was drop-dead gorgeous and nice to boot. So nice, in fact, that he came to visit me during the summer & went with me to my high school's all-school 75th anniversary reunion. I actually saw jaws drop when I walked into the hall with this great-looking guy beside me -- one of the more satisfying moments of my life. ; ) (We broke up less than a year later, & I went on to meet dh.)
The other person I could relate to was Sylvia. I'm a genealogist & all her reflections on genealogy at the start of Chapter Six rang so true to me.
Daniel asks Sylvia whether she's happy & says "I can't always tell." Dh often says the same thing about me -- that he can't always tell what I'm thinking. "She was too subdued, too reticent" -- that's me too. I am not prone to spilling my guts, verbally, anyway. (I save it all for paper, or the keyboard!) I am sometimes too much the journalist, seeing both sides of every story. There are many things that I can't or won't express a strong opinion about, because I can see both sides of thing and am often inclined to give others the benefit of the doubt. It drives dh nuts sometimes.
As mentioned above, I've read three Austen novels. I'm fond of Emma because it was the first, & because I studied it so thoroughly in school. Emma herself, however, was somewhat unlikeable. I rather prefer the spirited Elizabeth Bennett and her sisters, and Pride & Prejudice. Out of the three Austen novels that I've read, it's the one that sticks with me the most.
Which character in the book could you most relate to, and why? (see my previous answer) Which one could you least relate to, and why?
I could least relate to Bernadette and all her husbands. What a bizarre life she had. But I probably found her the most entertaining!
Jocelyn and Sylvia are closer than most sisters. Their relationship has withstood many tests. Do you have a particular friend who has stood by you through thick and thin in ways that stand out from most friendships, and if so what brought you together and what keeps the relationship so special?
For five years, from the time I was 8 until I was 13, we lived in a small town, across the street from a family who had three daughters -- one was two grades ahead of me, one was in the same grade as me and the youngest was three years younger than me (two years younger than my sister). The five of us soon became inseparable. People used to ask whether we were related, because we even looked alike, and we used to all dress alike too.
Despite the fact that we moved away, our families remained close & we visited often. (And this was in an era when long distance calls were rare and expensive, and there was no Internet.) Spending New Year's Eve together became something of a tradition. At one point, the middle daughter & I calculated that we had spent something like 13 consecutive New Year's Eves together, including visiting each other while in university. When I got married, she was my bridesmaid, her older sister sang at the ceremony and the younger sister attended the guest book. I consider/ed their parents to be my second mom & dad.
The younger sister had a twin sister who died at birth, and when I lost my Katie, their mom was one of the first people to call me and tell me a little about how she got through that terrible time. The middle sister called me & sobbed with me on the phone, and told me about her own struggles to conceive. (Both she & the older sister have adopted.)
Funnily enough, perhaps because we never grew up talking to each other long distance very much (our mothers would enforce strict time limits), we don't call each other very often, or see each other very often now either. But whenever we are together, it's like time just melts away and we pick up where we last left off. We shared so much when we were growing up, & know each other so well. They are my other sisters.
Sylvia described her MIL as affectless, polite but distant until she lost her son when she watch her "crumple like paper." Are there those in your life who have been affectless or polite but distant and then surprised you with their emotional depth?
When I first read this passage, it made me think back to when my grandmother (my dad's mother) died, when I was 14. I had never seen or heard my father cry before & it was (and still is) the worst thing in the world to me. On one of the phone calls between me & my mother, after I learned my daughter was dead & I would have to deliver her, she said she would pass the phone to my father, then said, "No... Daddy can't talk right now." There was a catch in her voice and I started crying again, thinking about how this horrible news was affecting my father. I'm crying now again, just thinking about it.
I always thought of a woman I knew at work as pleasant but somewhat cerebral. After I lost my daughter, she asked me whether we'd been trying for a long time, and told me about her own struggles to conceive. We started going for coffee regularly. Eventually she had two miscarriages and then two successful pregnancies through IVF & FET (a girl & then a boy). Another friend & I took her for lunch before she headed off on her first maternity leave, & we all got very emotional when the time came to say goodbye. She hugged me and said, "You've been a good friend."
Allegra is described as "liking being an aunt. That it offered all the kid time she needed. Probably. All she wanted mostly." If you don't have your own children, but are an aunt how important is that role to you and, what special rewards does it offer?
I don't have children, but we do have two nephews -- the sons of dh's younger brother, who are currently 15 & 19. (My own younger sister is childfree by choice.) I love being an aunt, but I have to admit that dh is closer to the boys than I am. I felt much closer to them when they were little, but as they got older & more rough & tumble & into boy-type stuff, they could relate more to dh, I think. Dh's cousins & aunts say it's like watching dh & his brother all over again.
They live an hour away, so we don't get to see as much of them as we like. Still, we get together a couple of times a month, & have been there for all the important occasions in their life, like first communions & high school graduations, and spoil them with presents. I used to bring them special baggies of Halloween & Valentine's Day & Easter candy when they were smaller. I'm the one who has taken most of the photos of them that exist, and I'm making scrapbooks for them both now.
I must say, if I had known that they were going to be IT, I would have made even more of an effort to spoil them than we already have -- had them over for more sleepovers. They're too old for that now. Still, I think we've been a good aunt & uncle to them over the years, & they know we love them. I know they adore dh & I think they are fond of me. I just hope that, someday, when we're old & grey and in the nursing home, they'll remember the fun times we had together, & look in on us now & then.
BIL said to dh after we lost Katie, "You'll always have the boys." Well, thanks, and we adore them, but we are NOT their parents and they in no way make up for our loss. Sorry. Being an aunt & being a mother are two different roles entirely. It is a special thing to be an aunt, but it is NOT the same as having your own child.
Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about The Jane Austen Book Club? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Brigade by visiting the master list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #10 (Embryo Culture by Beth Kohl with author participation!) and all are welcome to join along . All you need is a book and blog.
I read those three Austen novels some years ago (so the synopsis at the back was helpful in refreshing my memory!), & have the other two in my perpetural "to read" pile. I first read Austen -- Emma -- in my first-year university English class on the the history of the novel. I loved the course, the book & the professor. I later read Pride & Prejudice and Sense & Sensibility on my own. Saw the film version of Emma with Gwyneth Paltrow & Toni Collette, and parts of Pride & Prejudice with Laurence Olivier & Greer Garson (but not (yet), alas, the infamous version with Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy, nor the latest incarnation with Keira Knightley as Elizabeth). Also saw Sense & Sensibility with Emma Thompson and Kate Winslet as the sisters, and Hugh Grant & Alan Rickman as the men in their lives. (This movie is notable for being the one period movie/chick flick I ever dragged dh to that he did NOT wind up liking!) Oh yes, and Bride & Prejudice, the modern-day Indian/Bollywood take on the novel starring the beauteous Aishwarya Rai, which was a hoot.
The way the BBBB works is people sign up, read the book & submit a question. All the questions are distributed to all the participants, and we pick at least three to answer in our blog. After reading my take on the book, you can hp along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Embryo Culture by Beth Kohl (with author participation!).
Okay, on to some of the questions! (Some of them were similar, in which case, I've grouped them together.)
In one part of the book, Jocelyn and Sylvia were discussing happiness. One of them said that "Happiness in marriage is mostly luck..." What are your thoughts on happiness? Do you think that our happiness in life is mostly luck? Do we have some control over how happy we are?
I looked back through my book and couldn't find this passage. At any rate, I think luck does play a role in our lives, but I think we create our own luck & our own happiness to some extent too. Life takes unexpected turns sometimes -- it's up to us what we do when that happens.
Which character in the Jane Austen Book Club did you most relate to? And what is your favorite Jane Austen novel and why?
I didn't recall any one character jumping out at me & thinking, "Oh my gosh, she's just like me!" Flipping back through the book, two characters reminded me of myself. First, Prudie, which surprised me to some extent, because I actually found her a little on the unlikeable side. In the scene where she & Jocelyn meet at the movie theatre & Jocelyne shushes the people talking -- I'm like Prudie. People talking in movie theatres (or on the commuter train!) drive me nuts, but I would never (or very rarely) speak up about it, and I would probably die of embarrassment if dh ever did. Like Prudie, I'm very organized, with to-do lists all over the place. Like Prudie, I have said things I have regretted (to my mother & others), and cringe at the memory now. Like Prudie, I have/had (especially as a child) a hugely rich fantasy life and sometimes found real life dull & disappointing by comparison.
I had to laugh when I read the sentence (Prudie, about her husband-to-be Dean): "Forget the fact that he would look so good walking in next to her at her high school reunions. Some people would be so surprised." I was always regarded as something of a geek in high school and never had a date. In grade 12, I got contact lenses, which boosted my confidence immensely, & then I went off to university, which was a whole new ball game. In the spring of my first year, I met J., who was drop-dead gorgeous and nice to boot. So nice, in fact, that he came to visit me during the summer & went with me to my high school's all-school 75th anniversary reunion. I actually saw jaws drop when I walked into the hall with this great-looking guy beside me -- one of the more satisfying moments of my life. ; ) (We broke up less than a year later, & I went on to meet dh.)
The other person I could relate to was Sylvia. I'm a genealogist & all her reflections on genealogy at the start of Chapter Six rang so true to me.
Daniel asks Sylvia whether she's happy & says "I can't always tell." Dh often says the same thing about me -- that he can't always tell what I'm thinking. "She was too subdued, too reticent" -- that's me too. I am not prone to spilling my guts, verbally, anyway. (I save it all for paper, or the keyboard!) I am sometimes too much the journalist, seeing both sides of every story. There are many things that I can't or won't express a strong opinion about, because I can see both sides of thing and am often inclined to give others the benefit of the doubt. It drives dh nuts sometimes.
As mentioned above, I've read three Austen novels. I'm fond of Emma because it was the first, & because I studied it so thoroughly in school. Emma herself, however, was somewhat unlikeable. I rather prefer the spirited Elizabeth Bennett and her sisters, and Pride & Prejudice. Out of the three Austen novels that I've read, it's the one that sticks with me the most.
Which character in the book could you most relate to, and why? (see my previous answer) Which one could you least relate to, and why?
I could least relate to Bernadette and all her husbands. What a bizarre life she had. But I probably found her the most entertaining!
Jocelyn and Sylvia are closer than most sisters. Their relationship has withstood many tests. Do you have a particular friend who has stood by you through thick and thin in ways that stand out from most friendships, and if so what brought you together and what keeps the relationship so special?
For five years, from the time I was 8 until I was 13, we lived in a small town, across the street from a family who had three daughters -- one was two grades ahead of me, one was in the same grade as me and the youngest was three years younger than me (two years younger than my sister). The five of us soon became inseparable. People used to ask whether we were related, because we even looked alike, and we used to all dress alike too.
Despite the fact that we moved away, our families remained close & we visited often. (And this was in an era when long distance calls were rare and expensive, and there was no Internet.) Spending New Year's Eve together became something of a tradition. At one point, the middle daughter & I calculated that we had spent something like 13 consecutive New Year's Eves together, including visiting each other while in university. When I got married, she was my bridesmaid, her older sister sang at the ceremony and the younger sister attended the guest book. I consider/ed their parents to be my second mom & dad.
The younger sister had a twin sister who died at birth, and when I lost my Katie, their mom was one of the first people to call me and tell me a little about how she got through that terrible time. The middle sister called me & sobbed with me on the phone, and told me about her own struggles to conceive. (Both she & the older sister have adopted.)
Funnily enough, perhaps because we never grew up talking to each other long distance very much (our mothers would enforce strict time limits), we don't call each other very often, or see each other very often now either. But whenever we are together, it's like time just melts away and we pick up where we last left off. We shared so much when we were growing up, & know each other so well. They are my other sisters.
Sylvia described her MIL as affectless, polite but distant until she lost her son when she watch her "crumple like paper." Are there those in your life who have been affectless or polite but distant and then surprised you with their emotional depth?
When I first read this passage, it made me think back to when my grandmother (my dad's mother) died, when I was 14. I had never seen or heard my father cry before & it was (and still is) the worst thing in the world to me. On one of the phone calls between me & my mother, after I learned my daughter was dead & I would have to deliver her, she said she would pass the phone to my father, then said, "No... Daddy can't talk right now." There was a catch in her voice and I started crying again, thinking about how this horrible news was affecting my father. I'm crying now again, just thinking about it.
I always thought of a woman I knew at work as pleasant but somewhat cerebral. After I lost my daughter, she asked me whether we'd been trying for a long time, and told me about her own struggles to conceive. We started going for coffee regularly. Eventually she had two miscarriages and then two successful pregnancies through IVF & FET (a girl & then a boy). Another friend & I took her for lunch before she headed off on her first maternity leave, & we all got very emotional when the time came to say goodbye. She hugged me and said, "You've been a good friend."
Allegra is described as "liking being an aunt. That it offered all the kid time she needed. Probably. All she wanted mostly." If you don't have your own children, but are an aunt how important is that role to you and, what special rewards does it offer?
I don't have children, but we do have two nephews -- the sons of dh's younger brother, who are currently 15 & 19. (My own younger sister is childfree by choice.) I love being an aunt, but I have to admit that dh is closer to the boys than I am. I felt much closer to them when they were little, but as they got older & more rough & tumble & into boy-type stuff, they could relate more to dh, I think. Dh's cousins & aunts say it's like watching dh & his brother all over again.
They live an hour away, so we don't get to see as much of them as we like. Still, we get together a couple of times a month, & have been there for all the important occasions in their life, like first communions & high school graduations, and spoil them with presents. I used to bring them special baggies of Halloween & Valentine's Day & Easter candy when they were smaller. I'm the one who has taken most of the photos of them that exist, and I'm making scrapbooks for them both now.
I must say, if I had known that they were going to be IT, I would have made even more of an effort to spoil them than we already have -- had them over for more sleepovers. They're too old for that now. Still, I think we've been a good aunt & uncle to them over the years, & they know we love them. I know they adore dh & I think they are fond of me. I just hope that, someday, when we're old & grey and in the nursing home, they'll remember the fun times we had together, & look in on us now & then.
BIL said to dh after we lost Katie, "You'll always have the boys." Well, thanks, and we adore them, but we are NOT their parents and they in no way make up for our loss. Sorry. Being an aunt & being a mother are two different roles entirely. It is a special thing to be an aunt, but it is NOT the same as having your own child.
Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about The Jane Austen Book Club? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Brigade by visiting the master list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #10 (Embryo Culture by Beth Kohl with author participation!) and all are welcome to join along . All you need is a book and blog.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Tag, you're it...
By virtue of merely reading Irish Girl's blog tonight, I was tagged!
The Rules:
1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!
Here are six things about me:
1. I can't sleep or leave the bedroom unless the sliding doors to our closet are completely closed.
2. I have an unconscious habit of tucking my left thumb between my index & middle fingers. I never noticed it until dh pointed it out to me. He likes to joke that if they'd had ultrasounds 40-50 years ago, they probably would have seen me doing that in my mother's womb instead of sucking my thumb.
3. I still have several fertility talismans/good luck charms on my night table & rub them every night before I go to sleep, including a Beanie Baby stork from an online friend/fellow bereaved mom, a Boyds Bears figurine of a pregnant Mama Bear (which dh gave me for Mother's Day when I was pregnant), a green stone etched with the word "Believe," given to me by another online friend/bereaved mom, & a small stuffed unicorn. At least, they were *supposed* to be fertility good luck charms, lol. At this point in my life, I'm not really looking to get pregnant, & I figure they've warded off pregnancy so far, so I might as well keep doing it until I hit menopause.
4. I am a news junkie. I read three newspapers every day (sometimes more) and subscribe to umpteen magazines.
5. I am also a makeup/skincare junkie, and am afraid/embarrassed to count how many lipsticks I have (most of them collected through "gift with purchase" days). Which is funny, because I generally put on lipstick in the morning before I head to work & then forget to reapply it during the day, unless I have an important meeting or lunch date to attend.
6. I have the piano from my parents' home that I grew up playing. My truck driver cousin arranged to ship it halfway across the country to his company's depot on the other side of the city where I live for $29 & change. It cost me $150 to hire movers to pick it up there and bring it to my house! (I rarely play these days, but I am still very glad I have it.)
If you've read this far, consider yourself tagged. Don't forget to post a comment & tell me that you've posted your six items so I can go read yours!
The Rules:
1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!
Here are six things about me:
1. I can't sleep or leave the bedroom unless the sliding doors to our closet are completely closed.
2. I have an unconscious habit of tucking my left thumb between my index & middle fingers. I never noticed it until dh pointed it out to me. He likes to joke that if they'd had ultrasounds 40-50 years ago, they probably would have seen me doing that in my mother's womb instead of sucking my thumb.
3. I still have several fertility talismans/good luck charms on my night table & rub them every night before I go to sleep, including a Beanie Baby stork from an online friend/fellow bereaved mom, a Boyds Bears figurine of a pregnant Mama Bear (which dh gave me for Mother's Day when I was pregnant), a green stone etched with the word "Believe," given to me by another online friend/bereaved mom, & a small stuffed unicorn. At least, they were *supposed* to be fertility good luck charms, lol. At this point in my life, I'm not really looking to get pregnant, & I figure they've warded off pregnancy so far, so I might as well keep doing it until I hit menopause.
4. I am a news junkie. I read three newspapers every day (sometimes more) and subscribe to umpteen magazines.
5. I am also a makeup/skincare junkie, and am afraid/embarrassed to count how many lipsticks I have (most of them collected through "gift with purchase" days). Which is funny, because I generally put on lipstick in the morning before I head to work & then forget to reapply it during the day, unless I have an important meeting or lunch date to attend.
6. I have the piano from my parents' home that I grew up playing. My truck driver cousin arranged to ship it halfway across the country to his company's depot on the other side of the city where I live for $29 & change. It cost me $150 to hire movers to pick it up there and bring it to my house! (I rarely play these days, but I am still very glad I have it.)
If you've read this far, consider yourself tagged. Don't forget to post a comment & tell me that you've posted your six items so I can go read yours!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Finding our childless/free voices
This post has been rumbling around in my head & in my drafts folder for quite awhile now. I was just thinking that it's been more than a week since I last posted, & that while there are times when my brain is overflowing with ideas that I want to write about, at other times, I simply draw a blank and feel like I have nothing notable to say.
And that got me thinking about the considerable absence of childless/free (after loss & infertility) voices on the Internet. There are plenty of people out there who are childfree by choice and proud to say so -- but people like me, you don't hear much from, or about.
Most books about infertility contain, at most, a short section about childless/free living as an option (but usually just a few paragraphs). In the mainstream media, newspaper & magazine stories will include a paragraph or a throwaway line on the topic, if we're lucky. Society at the moment is so fixated on pregnancy & parenthood that a baby is seen as the only outcome of fertility treatment that can be considered a success. Childfree living just doesn't provide the requisite happy, fairytale ending -- even though most of us (eventually) go on to lead happy & productive lives after we abandon treatment -- & our dreams of having a family.
But we don't always articulate that very well. The thing about childless/free living & blogging is that most of the time, you're really just, well, living. While you're actively ttc &/or in treatment, there is always something to write about -- signs, symptoms, protocols, cycle day numbers & follicle counts, etc. -- a bit of daily drama, if you will.
For me, my ttc days ended a while ago. Now, as I've said before, there's not a day that goes by that I'm not thinking about my stillborn daughter & how I reached this point in my life in some way, shape or form. And there are still many days -- like when birthday party & shower invitations arrive, or a baby visits the office, or an "anniversary" date draws near -- that I find my eyes filling up with tears & my stomach lurching, and I need to share how I feel with people who understand, exactly, how I feel and why.
But for the most part, I'm just getting up & going to work and coming home again like everyone else in the world. Nothing terribly unique or exciting to report (or to read) about that.
Sometimes, especially when you're new to childless/free living, you need to step back a bit, distance yourself from the world of infertility, and get your bearings in the brave new world you're entering. Sharah, one of the first infertility bloggers I think that I started reading, recently had a great post to this effect, explaining why she might not be around as much, now that she is not ttc.
Part of it, too, I think, is there has always been some stigma or discomfort around childless/free living after loss & infertility. At Miss E's Musings, Ellen recently wrote about telling a newly pregnant (& not entirely happy about it) friend that if her IVF fails, she is planning to live childfree.
In the comments section of this post, Irish Girl chimed in:
This stigma also exists (especially?) within the infertility community. I'm not always entirely sure that fellow infertiles want to hear what we have to say about life beyond infertility treatment (and there IS one out there!!). I can remember, on one of the boards I post on, that someone once wryly referred to us as "the black sheep of the infertility community." Pamela Jeanne had a great post, awhile back that summed up the situation nicely in its title -- "What Does it Feel Like to be Someone's Worst Nightmare?"
One woman posted on a CF board I frequent that she had announced, on her ttc board, her intention to stop treatment, live childfree, & begin posting on our board. She said you could have heard a figurative pin drop. While her fellow ttc-ers were happy to offer "baby dust" & condolences while she was cycling, hardly anybody commented, for better or worse, on her very difficult decision, or wished her luck or happiness in her future.
Understandably -- even though we all know the numbers & the odds of success for our respective age groups -- there are few people going through treatment who are willing to even briefly entertain the notion that it might not work for them -- that not everybody who wants a baby is necessarily going to wind up with one -- despite everything we go through and sacrifice in pursuing our dream (a dream that comes so easily to -- and is taken for granted by -- so many).
But if even our fellow infertiles shy away from us, what hope in Hades do we have of getting the rest of society to understand the impact that infertility -- whether we eventually do give birth or adopt, or continue to live without children, despite our best efforts -- has had on our lives?
That's why I was so touched to see so many blog posts earlier this month that discussed childfree living with sensitivity & respect. It sort of kicked off with an interesting post from Nancy at The New Life of Nancy, about how the mere category of childfree blogs on the Stirrup Queen's enormous blogroll scared her -- how she wanted to help & support childfree women, but wasn't sure how to do it, because the mere thought made her feel helpless. Nancy's post set off a round of comments & related posts by a number of thoughtful other bloggers, including Pamela Jeanne and Ellen.
Posts like these give me hope that people in the infertility community are willing to at least listen and learn more about childfree living -- what it took for us to get here, and what a childfree life can be like (i.e., not all bad) -- even if they ultimately decide that it's not for them. And that gives me hope that someday, fertile people might follow too. Eventually...!
Now we just need more women who are living childfree to speak up about it!
And that got me thinking about the considerable absence of childless/free (after loss & infertility) voices on the Internet. There are plenty of people out there who are childfree by choice and proud to say so -- but people like me, you don't hear much from, or about.
Most books about infertility contain, at most, a short section about childless/free living as an option (but usually just a few paragraphs). In the mainstream media, newspaper & magazine stories will include a paragraph or a throwaway line on the topic, if we're lucky. Society at the moment is so fixated on pregnancy & parenthood that a baby is seen as the only outcome of fertility treatment that can be considered a success. Childfree living just doesn't provide the requisite happy, fairytale ending -- even though most of us (eventually) go on to lead happy & productive lives after we abandon treatment -- & our dreams of having a family.
But we don't always articulate that very well. The thing about childless/free living & blogging is that most of the time, you're really just, well, living. While you're actively ttc &/or in treatment, there is always something to write about -- signs, symptoms, protocols, cycle day numbers & follicle counts, etc. -- a bit of daily drama, if you will.
For me, my ttc days ended a while ago. Now, as I've said before, there's not a day that goes by that I'm not thinking about my stillborn daughter & how I reached this point in my life in some way, shape or form. And there are still many days -- like when birthday party & shower invitations arrive, or a baby visits the office, or an "anniversary" date draws near -- that I find my eyes filling up with tears & my stomach lurching, and I need to share how I feel with people who understand, exactly, how I feel and why.
But for the most part, I'm just getting up & going to work and coming home again like everyone else in the world. Nothing terribly unique or exciting to report (or to read) about that.
Sometimes, especially when you're new to childless/free living, you need to step back a bit, distance yourself from the world of infertility, and get your bearings in the brave new world you're entering. Sharah, one of the first infertility bloggers I think that I started reading, recently had a great post to this effect, explaining why she might not be around as much, now that she is not ttc.
Part of it, too, I think, is there has always been some stigma or discomfort around childless/free living after loss & infertility. At Miss E's Musings, Ellen recently wrote about telling a newly pregnant (& not entirely happy about it) friend that if her IVF fails, she is planning to live childfree.
"For all her distress about this pregnancy and parenting, she seemed shocked that childlessness was our plan B and that we are excited about that possibility too. "I just can't imagine," she said and quickly changed the subject back to IVF."
In the comments section of this post, Irish Girl chimed in:
"I too have found it scares and shocks people when I speak about the option of living childfree as a resolution to our infertility. Though I can't say I blame them as it even took me almost five years to consider it as an option for us. But the looks I get, it's as if I've said I am considering injecting myself with the AIDS virus or something."
This stigma also exists (especially?) within the infertility community. I'm not always entirely sure that fellow infertiles want to hear what we have to say about life beyond infertility treatment (and there IS one out there!!). I can remember, on one of the boards I post on, that someone once wryly referred to us as "the black sheep of the infertility community." Pamela Jeanne had a great post, awhile back that summed up the situation nicely in its title -- "What Does it Feel Like to be Someone's Worst Nightmare?"
One woman posted on a CF board I frequent that she had announced, on her ttc board, her intention to stop treatment, live childfree, & begin posting on our board. She said you could have heard a figurative pin drop. While her fellow ttc-ers were happy to offer "baby dust" & condolences while she was cycling, hardly anybody commented, for better or worse, on her very difficult decision, or wished her luck or happiness in her future.
Understandably -- even though we all know the numbers & the odds of success for our respective age groups -- there are few people going through treatment who are willing to even briefly entertain the notion that it might not work for them -- that not everybody who wants a baby is necessarily going to wind up with one -- despite everything we go through and sacrifice in pursuing our dream (a dream that comes so easily to -- and is taken for granted by -- so many).
But if even our fellow infertiles shy away from us, what hope in Hades do we have of getting the rest of society to understand the impact that infertility -- whether we eventually do give birth or adopt, or continue to live without children, despite our best efforts -- has had on our lives?
That's why I was so touched to see so many blog posts earlier this month that discussed childfree living with sensitivity & respect. It sort of kicked off with an interesting post from Nancy at The New Life of Nancy, about how the mere category of childfree blogs on the Stirrup Queen's enormous blogroll scared her -- how she wanted to help & support childfree women, but wasn't sure how to do it, because the mere thought made her feel helpless. Nancy's post set off a round of comments & related posts by a number of thoughtful other bloggers, including Pamela Jeanne and Ellen.
Posts like these give me hope that people in the infertility community are willing to at least listen and learn more about childfree living -- what it took for us to get here, and what a childfree life can be like (i.e., not all bad) -- even if they ultimately decide that it's not for them. And that gives me hope that someday, fertile people might follow too. Eventually...!
Now we just need more women who are living childfree to speak up about it!
"When we have kids..."
I was supposed to be at a friend's house tonight, scrapbooking. But I'm not. Both of my other friends who live nearby & usually give me a lift couldn't go tonight. And dh is too tired to drive me. It's about 25 miles or a 40-minute drive on the highway, in good traffic.
Why don't I just drive myself, you ask? Well, believe it or not, I don't drive.
It's a long story. I do actually have my driver's license. When I was 16, I took driver's ed and sailed into my driving test, supremely confident.
I flunked. Twice. The examiner was like a military drill sergeant, barking out orders at me. I lost my nerve, and after two failures, my confidence was completely shattered.
I always intended to try again... someday. Then my learner's permit expired. (I didn't realize they had an expiry date.) When I was in university, I took the written test again & got another learner's permit. More time passed. I got engaged and realized I would soon be moving to Toronto. Did I really want to take my test in the traffic of the big city?
So I called up the local driver's ed instructor in the small, one-stoplight town my parents now lived in, & asked him for a few private lessons. At age 24, a month before my wedding, I finally got my driver's license. When I got to Toronto, I traded it in for an Ontario license. No testing required. (It may be different now.)
For the first seven years we were married, we had a Volkswagen Rabbit with manual transmission. I had only ever driven an automatic. For five of those years, we lived in the city, two blocks from the subway station, and only ever used our car on weekends. Even if we had an automatic, the city traffic scared me.
Then we moved to the suburbs, & traded the Volkswagen for a car with an automatic transmission. I practiced driving around the neighbourhood now & then, even to the local mall a few times (taking the long way through the back roads). (I haven't even done that in awhile.) Dh & I both work downtown & commute together -- he drives us to & from the commuter train station (there is bus service to the train, but we'd have to get up even earlier than we do...!). There is a plaza with a supermarket, drugstore, video store & other amenities just a brief walk away (or a quick swing by en route home at night), and most nights, we're both too tired to go out anywhere anyway. Of course, part of it is, I've just always lived without the freedom of having a car (and thankfully, in places with good public transit or within walking distance of places I need to go), & adapted accordingly. I do a lot of errands on my lunch hour at work, & get dh to take me the other places I need to go.
When I got pregnant, I knew I was NOT going to be stuck in a house in suburbia with a baby & no car. My plan was to practice my driving more & perhaps even take a few lessons from a local driving school to brush up my skills & boost my confidence. Then, when I lost the baby, it suddenly didn't seem so important anymore. And I have rarely tried to drive since then.
My grandmother never drove & made me promise that I would get my license & not be like her. I feel guilty when I think about it. I really do need to get driving again, perhaps take some refresher lessons. I may never venture out onto Highway 401 (the main highway which runs through the Greater Toronto Area & beyond), but I'd be happy if I gained enough confidence to get myself to the local mall or Wal-Mart without having to ask dh to take me.
It struck me tonight, thinking of this, that there are so many things we plan to do "when we have kids." And then the kids don't materialize -- then what??
I always thought I would buy a video camera "when we have kids." We still don't have one. The spare bedroom still has the cheap particleboard furniture from dh's student apartment in it, because, of course, it was supposed to be the nursery. Someday, I want to buy some nicer furniture & linens and do it up right.
What things have you been putting off doing or getting "until we have kids?"
Why don't I just drive myself, you ask? Well, believe it or not, I don't drive.
It's a long story. I do actually have my driver's license. When I was 16, I took driver's ed and sailed into my driving test, supremely confident.
I flunked. Twice. The examiner was like a military drill sergeant, barking out orders at me. I lost my nerve, and after two failures, my confidence was completely shattered.
I always intended to try again... someday. Then my learner's permit expired. (I didn't realize they had an expiry date.) When I was in university, I took the written test again & got another learner's permit. More time passed. I got engaged and realized I would soon be moving to Toronto. Did I really want to take my test in the traffic of the big city?
So I called up the local driver's ed instructor in the small, one-stoplight town my parents now lived in, & asked him for a few private lessons. At age 24, a month before my wedding, I finally got my driver's license. When I got to Toronto, I traded it in for an Ontario license. No testing required. (It may be different now.)
For the first seven years we were married, we had a Volkswagen Rabbit with manual transmission. I had only ever driven an automatic. For five of those years, we lived in the city, two blocks from the subway station, and only ever used our car on weekends. Even if we had an automatic, the city traffic scared me.
Then we moved to the suburbs, & traded the Volkswagen for a car with an automatic transmission. I practiced driving around the neighbourhood now & then, even to the local mall a few times (taking the long way through the back roads). (I haven't even done that in awhile.) Dh & I both work downtown & commute together -- he drives us to & from the commuter train station (there is bus service to the train, but we'd have to get up even earlier than we do...!). There is a plaza with a supermarket, drugstore, video store & other amenities just a brief walk away (or a quick swing by en route home at night), and most nights, we're both too tired to go out anywhere anyway. Of course, part of it is, I've just always lived without the freedom of having a car (and thankfully, in places with good public transit or within walking distance of places I need to go), & adapted accordingly. I do a lot of errands on my lunch hour at work, & get dh to take me the other places I need to go.
When I got pregnant, I knew I was NOT going to be stuck in a house in suburbia with a baby & no car. My plan was to practice my driving more & perhaps even take a few lessons from a local driving school to brush up my skills & boost my confidence. Then, when I lost the baby, it suddenly didn't seem so important anymore. And I have rarely tried to drive since then.
My grandmother never drove & made me promise that I would get my license & not be like her. I feel guilty when I think about it. I really do need to get driving again, perhaps take some refresher lessons. I may never venture out onto Highway 401 (the main highway which runs through the Greater Toronto Area & beyond), but I'd be happy if I gained enough confidence to get myself to the local mall or Wal-Mart without having to ask dh to take me.
It struck me tonight, thinking of this, that there are so many things we plan to do "when we have kids." And then the kids don't materialize -- then what??
I always thought I would buy a video camera "when we have kids." We still don't have one. The spare bedroom still has the cheap particleboard furniture from dh's student apartment in it, because, of course, it was supposed to be the nursery. Someday, I want to buy some nicer furniture & linens and do it up right.
What things have you been putting off doing or getting "until we have kids?"
Monday, January 14, 2008
Ethel Smalls' suitcase
Riding home on the commuter train tonight, an article in today's Globe & Mail captured my attention. In the Review section, Simon Houpt's "New York Diary" focused on a new exhibit at the Science, Business and Industry Library in New York. Unfortunately, it is "premium content" & not available to the casual reader :( (and in any case, links on this site are generally only active for about a week) but there were a few passages in it that I found so riveting, I copied them here to share with you.
The article opens by saying:
"What was her illness?" writes Houpt.
A few years after Willard closed in 1995, a New York State Museum cutator pried open the door to an abandoned attic and found 427 (!!) suitcases that once belonged to the hospital's residents -- including Ethel's. Ethel's belongings, along with those of several other residents, are now displayed in an exhibit derived from that discovery, called "The Lives They Left Behind." The suitcase that Ethel brought with her to the hospital
I know that just about all of us, from time to time, feel misunderstood by the people around us, and yes, there are days when I feel like I'm going out of my mind. I've even consulted a therapist from time to time. But so far, nobody's tried to commit me to an insane asylum. At least, not yet...
Edited to add: I did a little Googling today & came up with a site about the exhibit -- including photos of Ethel & the contents of her suitcase. Also a Newsday article about it.
The article opens by saying:
"One morning in the summer of 1930, a 40-year-old woman by the name of Ethel Smalls took to her bed in the upstate New York village of Freeville and refused to get up. Her landlady, with whom she had been locked in a minor dispute, called the authorities."The doctor found Ethel to be "generally run down but not psychologically impaired." Nevertheless, citing her use of vulgar language toward the landlady, a judge had Ethel committed to the nearby Willard State Hospital on Seneca Lake near Rochester. In a medical note in her file, someone observed that Ethel "is a manic of rather sarcastic type, who is inclined to pout and grumble and find fault" -- "(That is to say, a typical New Yorker)," writes Houpt.
"What was her illness?" writes Houpt.
"Today, we might call it common trauma: She had suffered through 22 years of an abusive marriage, two miscarriages and the premature deaths of two of her infants. She probably just needed a good long rest and time with a sensitive therapist."Instead, she spent the next 40 years (40 years!!) at Willard, until her death in 1973 at age 83.
A few years after Willard closed in 1995, a New York State Museum cutator pried open the door to an abandoned attic and found 427 (!!) suitcases that once belonged to the hospital's residents -- including Ethel's. Ethel's belongings, along with those of several other residents, are now displayed in an exhibit derived from that discovery, called "The Lives They Left Behind." The suitcase that Ethel brought with her to the hospital
"held a half-dozen pieces of silver flatware, a Bible and some delicate examples of her work as a seamstress: a baby's white dress, a baby's cotton flannel nightgown, a knitted baby's cap trimmed with pink ribbon and a pair of booties."Many of Willard's patients, of course, were truly ill, but some, like Ethel, were simply people that society didn't know how else to handle. Need I tell you how deeply I was affected by reading about Ethel -- with her many lost babies, abusive husband, and suitcase full of lovingly stitched baby clothes? It was all I could do not to cry then & there on the train. And I've been thinking about her ever since. There but for the grace of God and about 70 years difference in attitudes toward mental health go I.
I know that just about all of us, from time to time, feel misunderstood by the people around us, and yes, there are days when I feel like I'm going out of my mind. I've even consulted a therapist from time to time. But so far, nobody's tried to commit me to an insane asylum. At least, not yet...
Edited to add: I did a little Googling today & came up with a site about the exhibit -- including photos of Ethel & the contents of her suitcase. Also a Newsday article about it.
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