"Dear Monica Lewinsky" by Julia Langbein

If you were old enough to pay attention to the news in the late 1990s, you'll know who Monica Lewinsky is. She's the young White House intern whose dalliance with then-U.S. President Bill Clinton -- and his lies about it to Congress -- led to his impeachment in December 1998. (He was acquitted by the Senate in February 1999.)  The scandal came to light in January 1998, and led to Lewinsky testifying before a grand jury in August 1998. Clinton admitted to the relationship in a televised address on Aug. 17th that year. 

Needless to say, while I was certainly aware of what was happening south of the border (you couldn't NOT know about it...!), I was rather preoccupied with (ahem) other matters in 1998, and August 1998 in particular. I don't remember having strong feelings about Lewinsky one way or another at the time, but when she began speaking out about the experience some years later, as an older and wiser woman, I found her to be a sympathetic figure.  

Now 53 years old, she's never married or had children. She advocates for victims of bullying, harassment and public shaming, and hosts a podcast called "Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky," focusing on personal stories of resilience and identity.

She's also now the title figure in a recently published novel called "Dear Monica Lewinsky" by Julia Langbein.  (I was curious whether Lewinsky has made any comment on the book;  so far as I can tell, she has not, but the author did send her a copy before it was published.)   

Jean Dornan spent six weeks during the summer of 1998 in France on a work-study program, documenting medieval French churches -- and pursuing a highly inappropriate relationship with her professor, David Harwell. Now 45 years old, married and still dealing with the impact that summer had on her life, Jean is startled to receive an invitation from David to attend his retirement party. She's even more startled when, looking at her old diaries from that summer, she realizes this pivotal relationship in her life happened at the exact same time that a very public scandal was unfolding, involving a very similar relationship between President Bill Clinton and White House intern Monica Lewinsky. Pondering the parallels in their stories, she finds herself calling on Monica, as if she were a saint, begging her forgiveness for dismissing her and for not seeing the commonalities between them.  

Lo and behold, "Saint Monica" appears to Jean (in the bathroom of a church in Lower Manhattan, no less!). Together, they look back on that summer, what happened to Jean and the impact it's had on her life since then (interrupted by occasional side comments between the two of them). (Rather irreverent) stories of real female martyr/saints are also interspersed between chapters.  

I enjoyed this book, for the most part.  I learned a lot about (among other things) the architecture of medieval French churches, how lust-filled nuns changed the Catholic church (!)  ;)  and the depressingly similar stories of female martyr saints (a lot of suffering at the hands of the patriarchy.... plus ca change...).  ;)  There's a lot of wry humour. 

However, the section covering what happened during the summer of 1998 in France is long and leisurely -- Jean and David don't even KISS until we're well into both the term and the book! (The effect on the reader is pent-up anticipation, much like Jean's pent-up desire.)  Jean is not always a likeable character, particularly in her younger "Ruthless Jean" incarnation, and the irreverent/snarky tone (particularly regarding religious matters) might rub some readers the wrong way. Like Monica, she deliberately flirts with an older married man and revels in the attention he gives her.  

And yet -- I can remember being the same age, plotting how to attract the attention of the boy(s) I liked, maneuvering to be in the same places at the same times he was -- and the heady feeling of being noticed and desired (and desiring in return)(especially at university, after being ignored by boys through most of my teen years). Unlike Monica and Jean, I didn't have any "inappropriate" relationships with older men (and thank goodness for that...!) -- but I was equally as naive and inexperienced as they were -- and (of course!) there were encounters and relationships (or aspects of them) and behaviour (on my part and theirs), that makes me wince to remember, where I was treated badly by a guy, or wish I had done things differently.   

But that's all part of growing up and learning from our mistakes, isn't it? Which is part of what Monica helps Jean to realize. (We all do dumb things when we were younger -- but most of us don't have to deal with it in public, as Monica did...! -- thank goodness...!).  

The last chapter is kind of bonkers. :) (But cathartic too.)  

A solid 3.5 stars on StoryGraph, rounded up (after some debate) to 4 on Goodreads.   

CNBC notes:  Jean, like Monica, is childless.  

This was Book #25 read to date in 2026 (and Book #7 (!) finished in August), bringing me to 63% of  my 2026 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 40 books. I am (for the first time in a LONG time!!) ON TRACK to meet my goal!!  :)  (For the moment, anyway...!  ;)  )  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2026 tagged as "2026 books."  

The little wooden chest

Right after I told my mother over the phone, that day in March 1998, that I was pregnant,  she started shopping. It wasn't long afterward that she excitedly told me about the bargain she'd found and snapped up from an an end-of-season clearance rack -- an adorable little furry white bunting bag. She mentioned other things she'd found too -- a cute little outfit, a Beatrix Potter/Peter Rabbit cup, a book.  She mentioned gifts from friends and neighbours, including handknit or crocheted items. 

After we lost Katie, I remember her wiping away tears at my kitchen table one day and whispering, "Someday I'll show you all the little things I bought."  

One of the next times we visited there, there was a new addition to the bedroom where we usually slept:  a small wooden chest with a nature scene painted on top that my dad had won in a charity raffle.

I knew immediately what was inside. 

Over the years, I did open the lid and take a peek a couple of times, but didn't have the heart to start pulling things out or rummaging through them.  

Almost 28 years passed -- and we never did go through the contents of that little chest together. 

And then my mom died in January.  

My sister asked me if we were going to take the little chest home with us, and offered to keep it for us if we wanted it.  I knew getting it home would be a problem -- obviously, it wouldn't fit into a suitcase! -- and where would we put it here?  I told her I would go through the chest myself and decide what to do with it and its contents.  

I did it one day when we were there last month, during the week she was at work in the city and I was by myself upstairs in the house, going through boxes and boxes of stuff. It was now sitting in the adjacent empty bedroom next door, as the usual room was now empty of furniture and being used as our work/sorting area.  I pulled the chest into the middle of the room, sat down on the floor, took a deep breath, and started taking things out and taking photos of each item.  

Dh found me sitting there a while later, tears rolling down my face. 

The chest was not as full as I'd remembered. I suspect Mom had quietly given a few of the items away over the years. (I knew that a little sweater and cap set, knit by a kind neighbour, now dead, went to Little Princess #3, as I wrote here at the time, almost three years ago now. Her mom, Parents Neighbours' Daughter, sent me a photo of her wearing it.)  

The bunting bag was there, a little jacket in bright primary colours, a (very few) little outfits. The Peter Rabbit mug.  (I thought there had once been a matching bowl that went with it, but it was not there.)  A book.  A program from the All Saints Day service at our church, where Katie's name was among the loved ones who had died during the year (dh & I attended, and I sent a program to Mom). Mother's and Father's Day cards sent during my pregnancy, with excited notes from me inside and, in one, a photocopy of my ultrasound scan photo.  (I found a couple of similar cards that my grandmother had saved, which I'd completely forgotten about, and broke my heart to read.)  An invitation to the baby shower that was never held, from the hostess (dh's Cousin/Neighbour's Wife, who enclosed a warm personal note expressing how excited she and her two little girls were about the prospect of having a baby in the family nearby). 

Separately, we also found a still-wrapped package in a drawer (that I think had once been in the chest?) from one of Mom's friends, wrapped in baby-appropriate paper with a small card "For Baby from L."  I brought it home with me too. I still haven't opened it. (It feels like a baby book.)   

I kept the wrapped package, one of the little outfits, the book, the Peter Rabbit mug (which now sits in my china cabinet), and the cards, and brought them home with me in my suitcase.  I bagged the rest of the clothes and told my sister she could donate the bag somewhere, as well the now-empty chest.  

Here are photos of some of the things I found:  

The little wooden chest. (It looks huge here, but it wasn't.) 

The painted top. 

With the lid open. 

A colourful little springtime jacket. 

The bunting bag/snowsuit. :( 

The tag inside read, "Little Miracles."   :(  

Some lovely friend or neighbour knit this beautiful little hat/cowl. 

The Peter Rabbit mug. 

This is the outfit that I kept. 

Outfit #2. 

Outfit/ensemble #3. 

A book. 

In two weeks of letting a lot of treasured things go, this was one of the very hardest. 

World Childless Week, Day Four: Childless Health Care?

Day Four of  World Childless Week 2025 is all about "Childless Health Care?" From the website description: 

Have you sat in a gynae room surrounded by pregnant women? Have you woke up on a hospital ward surrounded by new mums? Has a fertility clinic ignored you as soon as you ran out of money for more treatment? Has a nurse made a joke that was insensitive, a doctor used terminology that hurt? 

Has the health system let you down and created MORE HEARTACHE than HEALING?

*** *** ***  

Overall, I was lucky to have had great care from my family doctor and ob-gyn (perhaps less so from the fertility clinic and RE...!) -- and, being Canadian, I've never had to deal with the matter of bills, being "in-network," etc.  (Fertility treatment, of course, was another matter entirely...!)  

But I know most of the above painful scenarios have applied to me, and I imagine any childless-not-by-choice woman will have encountered at least one or more (and possibly all) of these at some point. My one big exception on the list:  I was very lucky that I never woke up on a hospital ward surrounded by new mothers; I delivered my stillborn daughter at a big city hospital where they routinely handled these situations, and had a special wing with private rooms to deal with them. (One CNBC mother I know remembers spending her son's final moments in the privacy of what was essentially a broom closet. Seriously.) 

My room was, however, on the same floor as the maternity ward, in the same wing as rooms where parents could spend time with their dying babies, and directly across the hallway from the neonatal intensive care unit. We couldn't see inside, but we could hear the beeps of the monitors whenever the door opened.  

My most relevant posts on this subject will likely be found under the labels "1998 memories" and "The Treatment Diaries," although I'm sure there are many more. (I have a general label of "health," but it's pretty broad, and there are currently almost 300 posts in that category!) 

Check out today's content on the WCW site, including community members' contributions, and four free, live webinars related to this subject. They will be recorded and the links will be posted later on the Day Four page and WCW YouTube channel for anyone who cannot watch live.  

27

As it often has in recent years, today kind of snuck up on me. (Maybe that's for the best?)  Some years are better or worse than others, and fortunately, this was one of the better ones. 

The one jarring note was when we got to the cemetery this morning:  there were two women sitting on a bench a few feet away from the columbarium where Katie's niche is, talking up a storm -- and they did NOT get up & move or even lower their voices while we were there! 🙄  Kind of rude, we thought. We might have stayed longer if they hadn't been around, but we did stay a few minutes, took some photos and left some flowers.  

Then -- much as we did last year -- we went to a favourite nearby cafe for lunch, and then to the local bookstore for a Starbucks and a browse. Then to Dairy Queen for Blizzards (tradition!)  and to pick up a few groceries before heading home again. 

This weekend, we're going to a wedding for dh's cousin's son -- who is exactly six months older than Katie would have been, had she been born on schedule, alive, in November. We've been to a few other cousins' (older) kids' weddings, but this will be the first one for one of her peers. Not sure how I'm going to feel about this...!  but I guess I'm going to find out...!  (and I will be wearing one of those two kick-ass dresses that I bought a little while back! -- this one or this one!) (I'm leaning towards one, but am not telling anyone yet which one, in case I change my mind! lol)

Wish me luck!  

DQ Blizzards -- an Aug. 7th tradition. :)  
(Oreo for him, Skor for me.  :)  ) 

Odds & ends

• After reading this article about a mother's grief  over the loss of not just one but BOTH of her (teenaged/young adult) sons (!), I immediately added the book she's written to my wish list.  
• Related article from The Guardian. 
•  This story -- about bereaved parents from British Columbia, who mistakenly received an itemized bill for their stillborn daughter's autopsy (!) -- but not the ashes they were expecting -- was featured on the CBC National news recently.
• The doctor interviewed points to the lack of standards when dealing with pregnancy loss across Canada. It's infuriating to realize how little has changed, certainly in the 27 years since my own loss, and it's been going on a LOT longer than that! 
• I found a "print" version of the story on CBC's website too, which includes two radio/podcast links to listen to (one that's 23 minutes long). I have not listened to that one yet. 
• While I was searching for a link for that story, I found another recent story related to pregnancy loss and Mother's Day from CBC British Columbia, and thought I'd share it with you all (even though Mother's Day was several weeks ago).  
• I found this link via Sari Botton's Substack, I think: "I Was Devastated By The Death Of My Newborn Baby. This Unexpected TV Show Helped Me Feel Alive Again." (Subhead: "I laughed — out loud — for the first time in weeks. I had forgotten that I still knew how.")  
• I felt/feel the same way about the book "Bridget Jones's Diary" by Helen Fielding. I've written about my fondness for the book many times before (here, for example). It made me laugh at a time I never thought I'd laugh again. 
• I don't remember latching on to a sitcom the same way, but during the 2+ months I was at home I watched lots of episodes of "The View" (which was still pretty new, I think) and Oprah, as well "A Wedding Story" on TLC.  I could NOT watch "A Baby Story," for obvious reasons, but the wedding stuff was something I could get enjoy. 
• In the Globe & Mail, Aviva Coopersmith asks "Who's my dad?"  and calls for the end of donor gamete anonymity. (Gift link) 
• On the Life Without Children Substack, Charlie Brown asks (in a piece that originally ran on Medium): "How Do You Grieve For Infertility When There Is Always Another Potential Route to Parenthood?"   Sample passage:  

...I feel the weighty expectation that I should try to be a parent by any means necessary, regardless of how much it costs or how stressful and traumatic the process is. I feel the expectation that my own feelings should be shelved as I relentlessly slog through parenting alternatives.

Don’t grieve, it’s not over yet!

When you’re infertile, it’s never over. There is always another round of IVF. Another donor egg to procure. Another sperm donor to use. Another vulnerable child to adopt. And of course, there’s always another payment plan to help make your dreams come true.

• And on her own Substack, On the Outside, Y.L. Wolfe turns the spotlight on the long-ignored power of single & childless women.  A couple of excerpts:  

We aren’t just a demographic that is doing some heavy lifting in society and outperforming many other demographics, but we literally have enough numbers to qualify us as a force to be reckoned with.

We have the power, we have the competence, and we have the numbers.

No wonder they are afraid of the “cat ladies” of America!

and (and this is SO true, I think!!) 

I often think that childless women must scare the shit out of mothers, the same way that childfree women scare men. Childfree women remind men (and all of society, I might add) that women have a choice in what they do with their lives, something our society desperately doesn’t want women to remember. Childless women remind mothers (and again, all of society) that we can make choices…and things still might not work out the way we planned, something our society desperately wants to deny.

Women without children are a scary demographic. And what does it mean when society is scared of a demographic? It means we have power.

And that’s why society works so goddamn hard to try to convince us we don’t.

• I'm not sure whether non-subscribers can access this? But Anne Helen Petersen (who is childfree by choice) hosts a Culture Study podcast on Substack, as well as her Substack newsletter -- and she recently did an episode on the subject of "intensive parenting trends." I have not listened to the episode yet (although I've browsed the transcript) -- but I read her intro, as well as the comments.  She said (in part): 

People often ask me why I care so much about parenting when I am not, myself, a parent. This question is always so weird to me — of course I care about parenting norms, because I’m surrounded by parents! The choices that parents make (in the voting booth, as consumers, as community members, as friends) have so many direct and indirect effects on my life and everyone’s lives. Plus I’m always interested in how people try and make sense of a ton of contradictory information and “best practices” about how to be in the world, and whew, that is contemporary parenting right now.

I commented:  

That first paragraph -- so true! Thank you for that, AHP (from another non-parent, albeit it was not a choice on my part). Just because we don't have kids doesn't mean we aren't interested. (To a point, anyway, lol.)

To which AHP responded: 

LOL LORI YES

(LOL indeed...!)  

• Finally, this is a really, really excellent article that is definitely worth a read:  "If you’re 50, childless, and people keep asking “don’t you regret it?”—here’s what psychology says."  Extremely well said!   

Can we get a break, universe?

Have you ever noticed that crappy stuff seems to happen all together, in quick succession? 

1998-99 was like that: I lost my baby, returned to work two months later, and two days later, my beloved grandfather died.  My grandma died almost a year to the day later, and about a week after THAT, my uncle (my dad's sister's husband) died suddenly, a few days after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. My mom couldn't attend the funeral because she was in the hospital for a hysterectomy. 

This is turning out to be another one of "those" years: 

• A year ago on Friday, my mom's only sibling/my uncle passed away. 
• Since mid-January, Mom has lost three cousins, another cousin's husband, and a close friend/longtime coworker. 
• And then, on Friday morning, her church burned down. 
• AND there was a murder in her quiet little Minnesota hometown. 
• This morning was Bamberlamb's funeral in the UK. (I wrote about her passing -- on Valentine's Day -- here.)  A mutual friend who was there representing the Childless Collective said it was "a marvellous sendoff" and very well attended, standing room only, with lots of people dressed in purple, Bamberlamb's favourite colour. 
• Obviously I wasn't able to attend -- but I was wearing purple that day (as I know a few of you were too!) (See the photo below.)  
• Miss you, dear Bamberlamb. 💜
• This afternoon (as I was writing this post!), I found out I'd lost ANOTHER friend. In fact, she died right around the time of Bamberlamb's funeral -- a fellow loss mom from our old support group.  Her daughter posted the news on Facebook -- along with a pre-written final message from her mom.  
• I've known this woman for 20+ years, since she & her husband started coming to our support group after the loss of their son. Several of us became fast friends: we attended support group meetings and events together (the annual picnic & memorial butterfly release, holiday candlelighting service, autumn Walk to Remember), threw subsequent baby showers for each other, scrapbooked together and, for several years in a row, had an annual pre-Christmas dinner out together. 
• Her story is not mine to tell, but suffice to say -- as if losing a child wasn't crap enough to deal with -- she's faced one health challenge after another in recent years with incredible bravery and tenacity. 
• I hope she rests in peace, because if anyone ever deserved a good rest, it's her. :(  
• And, oh yeah, the U.S. elected a lunatic leader who has been trying to destroy/take over my country since taking office in mid-January. :(  Fun times (not)....

Shamrock earrings for St. Patrick's Day, 
but wearing purple for Bamberlamb. 

#MicroblogMondays: Letting go... bit by bit

I never collected a lot of things for Katie during my pregnancy with her (as I think I've mentioned here before). Things were tentative right from the start:  spotting all through the first trimester, an uncertain blood screening test and a troubling ultrasound, followed by amniocentisis -- and an almost THREE WEEK WAIT for the results. 

When the results came back "normal," in late July (1998), I finally felt like I could start shopping. But by then, shower plans were underway for the September long weekend, and I was instructed not to buy too much yet;  I was going to get a ton of stuff at the party. (Which was never held.)  

As a result, my mementos of that time have been few. They mostly fit in two plastic bins that sit in the spare bedroom/office closet, and a large hatbox on the upper shelf of our bedroom closet. (Plus a smaller, shoebox-sized plastic bin full of artificial flowers, hanging ornaments and other decorations, both seasonal and general, for Katie's niche at the cemetery.)  

At one time, I couldn't have imagined letting go of any of it... but over time, little by little, I have actually sent a few things off to the thrift store. I got rid of most of my pregnancy & infertility books years ago (I kept my copy of "What To Expect While You're Expecting" as a "souvenir"), and I finally let go of most of my maternity clothes when we downsized from a house to our condo, 9 (!) years ago now (18 years after they were last worn). I did keep the outfit I'd been wearing when I went to my ob-gyn's office for my six-month checkup that fateful day in August 1998, as well as two or three pretty dresses that I'd loved.  

And... in one of those two plastic bins, I kept the one major thing I did buy for our baby in that brief interval between the good news and the absolute worst: a Classic Pooh themed bedding set, including a comforter, fitted sheet, bumper pads (which aren't even used any more), bedskirt and window valance, as well as two rolls of a matching wallpaper border.  (We had to order the border, and it didn't arrive until after the funeral. I couldn't bring myself to open the box for about five years -- and I used to joke that it would be funny if I waited all that time, only to find out it was the wrong paper!)(It WAS the right one!)  

I guess I've been in a bit of a spring cleaning mood, because I recently combed through the my (overstuffed) closet and armoire recently and pulled out enough old or seldom-worn items of clothing to fill a large plastic garbage bag. And then I did something I'd been contemplating for a while. I decided I could (finally) part with the bedding set (almost 27 years after we bought it!). I asked dh what he thought, and he agreed it was time. 

It was still in the original Sears bag (note: Sears closed all its Canadian stores in 2017), inside that plastic bin in the spare bedroom/office closet. I took everything out of the bag, set aside the folder with the sales receipt inside to keep (we got everything on sale! $177 Canadian!!), and took a few photos before I put it all back into the bag and into the pile of stuff for the thrift store. We dropped it all off on Friday morning. 

I felt a little sad. 

But no tears were shed. 

The comforter -- still in its original packaging. 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

Stepping outside of my comfort zone (again!)

I've sometimes written here (and elsewhere) about the unique place those of us who are childless after pregnancy loss occupy in the adoption/loss/infertility/childless not by choice community(s):  "a foot in both camps," so to speak (and, as a fellow childless/loss mom recently added, "sometimes neither." Touchez.). 

Back before Christmas, I suggested to Berenice, one of the co-hosts of the Full Stop podcast, that this might be a topic they could explore. I also added that they did not necessarily have to interview ME!  They ignored that caveat (lol), and an invitation from co-host Sarah to appear on the podcast to discuss this subject popped into my email inbox -- on my birthday, no less!   

I accepted.  

It's an odd truth that while those of us in this situation are silenced by parents (even sometimes those who have also experienced loss while building their families) and the people around us generally, who shrink away from our stories (and the very idea that not everyone who wants a baby will wind up without one, even after being pregnant -- sometimes multiple times), our stories are also often met with silence by childless people too.  Many childless people never had the opportunity to try for a pregnancy (medical issues, lack of a partner -- or a willing partner, etc.) -- or were unable to conceive at all.  

Admittedly, that silence is sometimes (often?) self-imposed. Many CNBCers find it painful to deal with pregnancy and pregnant women -- perhaps even more so when pregnancy/loss is not part of their own personal stories. We all know what it's like to be childless and to have to listen to other women's pregnancy stories. They're hard to listen to -- and THOSE are the stories that usually have a happy ending!

Ours don't.   

I used to tell my loss story -- the Reader's Digest Condensed Version, anyway -- at least twice a month in my role as a pregnancy loss support group facilitator -- but we stepped down from facilitating 15 (!) years ago now -- so let's just say it's been a while since I spoke those words aloud! I was a little out of practice  ;) -- and nervous! (I found myself tensing up and shaking as I spoke -- and again later when I watched the video replay!) -- but nevertheless decided it was worth the stress and the risk to shine some light on this dark corner of the CNBC community. 

Ironically/Sadly, Berenice experienced a wifi outage the morning we were recording the podcast (!), a few weekends ago, and was unable to participate (although she did send in a question she wanted to ask us). But I had a lovely, emotional conversation with co-hosts Sarah and Michael, as well as Sandra McNicol, a grief therapist & coach at Childless Life.  All of us had experienced at least one loss at some stage of pregnancy.   

(Of course I thought of a gazillion things I *should* have mentioned, after we'd all logged off...!  Perhaps another time??) 

The episode (#71) is now available for listening on most podcast platforms, or on the Full Stop website. If you listen, please let me/us know what you think!    

(Note: You'll notice that the hosts were kind enough to respect my wish to remain (semi) anonymous, and have only used the name "Lori" on the podcast and related social media posts. Most of the people around me in "real life" (still) don't know about this blog or the extent of my activities within the ALI/CNBC communities -- and I'd like to keep it that way, if possible (or for as long as possible, anyway!). If you do know me personally, I'd appreciate it if you didn't tag me in any social media posts about the podcast. Thanks!)  

*** *** *** 

This was not my first podcast/webinar appearance:  

Back in September, as part of World Childless Week, Michael and I chatted together for a webinar about childlessness and genealogy -- "What Can We Learn From Our Family History?" (which I wrote about here and here and here -- link to the recording of that webinar are included in the comments on both posts). I described that then as "a big step outside my comfort zone." This was certainly another one!  

Back in July 2018, I was part of a discussion organized by Jody Day about “IVF at 40,” featuring seven fabulous childless-not-by-choice bloggers. The video was shared on all of our platforms, including my blog here. It’s also available on Vimeo. 

I also appeared on The Bitter Infertiles podcast (episode 20) way back in 2013 (!!) with Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos, and wrote about that experience here. 

26

26 years ago today (!), our daughter (Kathleen Maria/Katie) was stillborn, 26 weeks into my pregnancy. (Monday was 26 years since I went for the fateful ultrasound, where I learned her heart had stopped beating.)  

Dh & I have been talking about this day for a while now, and making plans for our traditional trip to the cemetery today with flowers and other decorations for her niche, etc.  

But last night, I was sitting on the couch,  watching TV and browsing on my laptop -- and suddenly it just HIT me:  "Holy crap, it's TOMORROW!  And it's been 26 YEARS!"  (And: "How can that be??")  

And I went into the other room, where dh was reading, and told him what I was thinking, and I started crying. I told him, "I haven't forgotten!  I KNOW it's tomorrow!" (We've been talking about it since we got back from visiting my parents, more than a week ago.)  

But I remember how in those first few years, I was painfully aware, every single day, as the day drew closer, what I'd been doing on that day, X number of years earlier -- and counting down the days in my mind, and building towards that. (The anticipation has always been far worse than the day itself, for me.)  And part of me is kind of glad that the overwhelming raw grief doesn't take up as much space in my head and my life as it once did.  

In recent years, this day has kind of snuck up on me, in a way I never could have imagined 26 years ago (as it did yesterday). Like I said, it's not that I forget -- it just doesn't preoccupy my every waking thought the way it once did.  

But sometimes it just hits you all over again -- like it did last night -- just how long it's been, and what a big deal it was and still is in our lives, and how different our lives would be today, if she were here. 

*** *** *** 

Happily, for a sad day, it turned out to be a pretty nice day. (For one thing, the heat and humidity from last week has dissipated, and we've had the balcony door wide open for most of the past two days! Glorious!)  We left here mid-morning, picked up some flowers and headed to the cemetery, back near our old community, a 30-40 minute drive away. After spending some time there, we went for lunch at a cafe we used to frequent (they make great chicken Caesar wraps). Then over to our old hangout, the mega-bookstore (same chain as the one here). It's larger with more stock than our local store here -- and it's also been completely renovated and rebranded (from Chapters to Indigo) since our last visit there (at least a year ago, maybe two?).  

Then we went through the drive-through at Dairy Queen (a tradition on/around this date) -- a Skor Blizzard for me, plain cone for dh before heading home.  

While sitting in the parking lot enjoying our ice cream, we spotted a monarch butterfly fluttering nearby. Coincidence?  :)  

Tradition!  ;)  

#MicroblogMondays: A Christmas carol

We arrived at my parents' house on Saturday to spend the Christmas holidays with them.  Yesterday afternoon, Parents' Neighbours' Daughter (PND) dropped by with the two youngest of the three Little Princesses, including Little Princess #3, who will be 4 months old soon.  

While they were there, a group of carollers from my mom's church showed up. We crowded around the door as they serenaded us with a few songs. It's a small town, and many of them knew PND, who grew up here -- and (of course) they were thrilled to see the Littlest Princess. I'm not sure whether they had planned their repetoire in advance, but they launched into "Away in a Manger" for their second song. 

Even when I was a kid, that song was a never a favourite of mine... and I distinctly remember thinking, when I told my mom that I would rather not attend Christmas Eve service with her in 1998 (fresh from the loss of our Katie, who was due in November), that if nothing else, having to listen to the congregation singing "Away in a Manger" (a perennial choice for Christmas Eve service)  would finish me off. 

I will admit that as I looked at that adorable little girl in her mother's arms, staring in wide-eyed wonder at the people singing to her, I had tears stinging my eyes. 

But only briefly. (After that, they sang "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" and moved on to the next house, taking away a box of candy that my dad produced from the pantry.) 

'Tis the season...!  

How are you all doing?  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

Right now

Right now...* 

*(an occasional (mostly monthly) meme, alternating from time to time with "The Current"). (Explanation of how this started & my inspirations in my first "Right now" post, here. Also my first "The Current" post, here.)

Pandemic diary/update: October was month #43 (3.5+ years) since the COVID-19 pandemic began. It's difficult to know exactly what's happening, since reporting is so limited these days, but from what I'm hearing anecdotally, cases are on the rise again... :(  We remain covid-free (knocking wood, loudly...), and continue to mask in most stores and other public places, especially where there are a lot of people. We also got our latest covid shots (#7, I think!)  this past weekend (at the same time as our flu shots!). 

October flew right by for us!  (How is it already November?)  Among other things this month, we: 

• Went to the mall on Oct. 3rd (where I got new batteries for my watches!) and briefly on Oct. 25th (visited our telecomm provider's retail outlet there to see if they had a new, compatible receiver for our TV set -- they didn't...! -- as recounted here!). 
• I indulged in a pedicure and later stopped at the bank to get some cash on Oct. 4th. 
• Visited Little Great-Nephew at his grandparents' house on Oct. 6th, while his parents enjoyed a belated anniversary dinner out.  :)  
• Flew "home" to Manitoba with dh on Oct. 7th to spend a week (including Canadian Thanksgiving) with my family there, and back again on Oct. 15th. (Wore masks, both ways.)   
• While there, we didn't get out much, apart from a couple of outings to get groceries, to the post office and to pick up pizzas for dinner one night.      
• Went grocery shopping with dh at the supermarket the day after we got back (Oct. 16th). 
• Had a nurse (unmasked) visit our condo on Oct. 16th, giving dh some basic medical tests as part of an application for life insurance through our retiree benefits. (He's had insurance since we were married, but last year -- perhaps not coincidentally since he turned 65? -- the monthly price tag more than QUADRUPLED, which left us searching for cheaper alternatives.)  
• Had coffee at BIL & SIL's with the nephews, their wives and the kids on Saturday night, Oct. 21st. Felt like eons since we'd seen them all.  :)  
• Went out on Oct. 24th with stops at the bookstore, two different supermarkets, the bank, AND (later) the gelato shop!  :) (It was a balmy 19C outside... enjoying it while it lasts...!) 
• Went to dinner with BIL & SIL at dh's cousin's house (the cousins with the lovely cottage/lake home) on Oct. 26th.  His parents (dh's uncle & aunt) came later for coffee too. (See "Eating," below!) 
• Got both our latest covid shots (#7, I think?? -- Pfizer this time around) along with our flu shots at our family doctor's office in our old community last Sunday afternoon (Oct. 29th). 
• Picked up my new e-reader and cover (ordered online) at the bookstore on Oct. 30th. 
• Tried to return our old TV receiver to the "Big Blue" store on Oct. 30th, only to be told they don't handle equipment returns there (!), and I'll now have to go through the hassle of finding a box (dh threw out the one the new one came in, and it probably wasn't big enough anyway...), printing a label from the website and mailing it in. (They are going to hear from me, once this is all done...!) 
• Celebrated my 16th (!) blogoversary!!  :)  (on Oct. 31st)

25 years ago, in mid-October 1998, I returned to work after the Canadian Thanksgiving long weekend, after 2+ months on leave after my daughter's stillbirth in August. Two days later, I abandoned work again and flew west to be with my family when my beloved grandfather died on Oct. 15th at age 86. 

• September/October 1998: Home alone (warning: another long one...) (I think this was the last of my "10 years later" posts, written monthly in 2008 -- this was written & posted in October.) 

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Also right now:  

Reading: I finished 4 books in October (reviewed on this blog, as well as Goodreads & StoryGraph, & tagged "2023 books").  

• "Over the Top" by Jonathan Van Ness, the October selection for my Childless Collective (formerly Gateway/Lighthouse Women) Nomo book club. (My review.) 
• "The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie" by Alan Bradley -- the November selection for my Childless Collective (formerly Gateway/Lighthouse Women) Nomo book club. (This one was my suggestion!) (My review.) 
• "The Reason You Walk" by Wab Kinew (who was recently elected premier of my home province of Manitoba).  (My review.) 
• "The Blue Castle" by L.M. Montgomery. This was a re-read with my LMM Readathon Facebook group, which first read this book together back in fall 2020 -- and I've read the book many times before myself.  It's one of my favourites, not just of LMM's novels, but of any book I've read ever. (Past reviews here, here and, from an earlier book-related post, here... and my latest review here.) 

This brings me to 40 books read to date in 2023,  89% of my 2023 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. :)  I am currently (for the moment, anyway...!) 3 books ahead of schedule to meet my goal. (I also started the month at 3 books ahead of schedule.)  

Current read(s): 

• "Murder Most Royal" by S.J. Bennett (#3 in "The Queen Investigates" series).  
• "The House on the Cliff" by D.E. Stevenson (with my DES group. I'll count this one as a re-read once the group finishes its chapter-by-chapter discussion, in late December.).(My original review.)   
• "Living the Life Unexpected" by Jody Day.  Re-reading (for the 5th time, I think!) and discussing one chapter per month (for the second time) with a group of other childless women within the private online Gateway/Lighthouse Women community. If & when I/we complete the full 12 chapters (likely early in 2024), I'll count it as a(nother) re-read. We recently covered Chapter 6. I missed that discussion, but hope to take part when we cover Chapter 7 in mid-August! (My most recent review -- with links to previous reviews -- here.) 

Coming up: Most of my book groups have their next reads plotted out for a few months in advance -- and listing them here helps me keep track of what I should be reading next. ;)  

• For my L.M. Montgomery Readathon Facebook group: TBA... 
• For my Childless Collective (formerly Gateway/Lighthouse Women) Nomo book club: 
• "Ella Minnow Pea" by Mark Dunn (for December). 
• "The Travelling Cat Chronicles" by Hiro Arikawa (for January). 
• For my D.E. Stevenson group:  This list of upcoming books should keep us busy through 2024, and into 2025!  (A couple of the books are ones we covered when I first joined the group back in 2014 -- you know you've been around for a while when....!)  
• Bel Lamington 
• Fletcher’s End
• Miss Buncle’s Book
• Peter West 
• Miss Buncle Married
• The Two Mrs Abbotts
• Crooked Adam 
• The Four Graces

• For Lyz Lenz's Men Yell At Me book club: "Ex-Wife" by Ursula Parrott -- considered scandalous when it first published in 1929!  Discussions on this book will start in November. Most MYAM newsletter discussions are for paying subscribers only, but the book club comments will be open for anyone who wants to participate. (Hint, hint.)  :)  Details here. 
• For the Notes from Three Pines (Louise Penny mysteries) Readalong: The last discussion was for book #3, "The Cruellest Month," posted June 7th.  So far, no word on when we can expect a discussion of book #4, "A Rule Against Murder" (reviewed here). Meanwhile, I recently finished #5 ("The Brutal Telling," -- see above), and book #6, "Bury Your Dead," is on the horizon as one of my next reads...! 

(Nora McInerny of the podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking, has also started a book club via podcast & Substack chats. She's been featuring some really interesting-sounding books too -- but I figure I can go back & listen to the relevant podcast episodes when I actually have time/get around to read those books...!)  

A few recently purchased titles (mostly in digital format, mostly discounted ($5-10 or less) or purchased with points):  

• "The Rooster House" by Victoria Belim
• "The Best of Everything" by Rona Jaffe 
• "The Girls" by Emma Cline 
• "Graceland, At Last" by Margaret Renkl 
• "The Bandit Queens" by Parini Shroff 
• "The Rachel Incident" by Caroline O'Donoghue 
• "Cassandra in Reverse" by Holly Smale 
• "All Our Lies Are True" by Lisa Manterfield 
• "Touched Out" by Amanda Montei 
• "Swipe Up for More!" by Stephanie McNeal 
• "Raising Hell, Living Well" by Jessica Elefante 
• "On Our Best Behaviour" by Elise Loehnen
• "Hey, Hun" by Emily Lynn Paulson 

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Watching:  

• Season 2 of "World on Fire" on PBS, which began on Oct. 15th (3 episodes so far). It's been quite a while since season 1 aired back in the fall of 2019 (!).  Both covid and the war in Ukraine delayed production of season 2, and (sadly) both Sean Bean and Helen Hunt were unable to participate this time around.  Lesley Manville, however, is back, as the delightfully bitchy Robina Chase, as well as the impossibly good-looking Jonah Hauer-King as her son Harry, now fighting in North Africa, and caught between two women -- Lois, his childhood sweetheart and the mother of his daughter, Vera;  and Kasia, the Polish resistance fighter he married -- who is now in England, living with Robina AND Vera!   
• This season dropped a couple of plot lines & characters, but introduced others -- including Marga, a naive teenaged schoolgirl in Nazi Germany who is excited to learn that she's been selected for the Lebensborn program, in which she will essentially serve as a nameless incubator (all participants are simply referred to as "Mutti," or "Mother") to produce "racially pure Aryan" babies fathered by elite Nazi officers and then adopted by "suitable" Nazi couples. (This was a real thing!)  The reality (and the horror) of her situation finally dawns on her when a brute of a young soldier arrives in her room one night after only the most perfunctory of introductions.  
• It's pure soap opera, but even dh is watching!  lol 
• The latest Ken Burns documentary on PBS, over two nights this month: "The American Buffalo."  Moving and sad and downright infuriating.  :(   (Here's an article from Salon about the program.) 
• (One of my favourite movie memories is the buffalo hunt scene in "Dances With Wolves" -- not the fact that they were being hunted and killed, but just seeing hundreds and hundreds of those magnificent creatures running across the prairie, the way they must have, hundreds of years ago, before they were slaughtered to the point of extinction.  I had tears streaming down my face in the dark theatre. It was just so, so beautiful, and it spoke to the part of me that will always belong to the Prairies. I previously wrote about this scene, and my reaction, here.) (Also worth noting: the bison is one of the primary symbols of my home province, Manitoba.  :) ) 
• Right at the very end, there was an Indigenous man who had been an eloquent commentator throughout the program. He talked about the return of the buffalo and what they meant to his people, said -- and I am paraphrasing from memory -- that he wanted his children and grandchildren to be able to see them and know them. And he said he wanted it for the rest of us too, for our children and grandchildren. I was on the verge of tears by then anyway -- it was all so very moving -- but all the talk about grandchildren and legacy had me bursting into tears, much to dh's bemusement. "Not our grandchildren," I told him. "But maybe Little Great-Nephew and Little Great-Niece, and their children and grandchildren."  I hope so.    
• Also: I stumbled onto a documentary called "Picture My Face" about a Canadian punk rock band that I remember from my youth, Teenage Head, on TVO one Saturday night. (Missed the first 20  minutes or so but saw the rest.) Their biggest hit, "Let's Shake" (1980), still gets airtime regularly on our local classic rock station. They started out in their hometown of Hamilton, Ontario, in 1975 -- never made it as big as some thought they might, or should -- but they're still out there. Part of the film shows them returning to play a concert at their old high school -- the same place where they played their first gig as teenagers, in the cafeteria -- and meeting the teenaged son of their late lead singer, a student at the same school. 
• You see those grizzled old guys on stage, and the old guys (and gals!) in the audience, pressed up against the stage, bopping their heads to the music like they were 16 again (and realize that YOU are roughly the same age as those old guys...!) and... 
• It was sad in some respects -- their lead singer (Frank Kerr, AKA Frankie Venom) died of cancer in his 50s;  the guitarist (Gord Lewis) suffered from mental health issues. (After this documentary was completed, he was murdered in August 2022 by his own son, who had mental health issues of his own.)  But I loved it. :)  

Listening:  To a few recent episodes of New Legacy Radio.   

Heardle Decades: Stats as of Oct. 31st:  

• Heardle 60s:  77.40% (309/399, 134 on first guess), down slightly from last month. Max. streak: 15. 
• Heardle 70s:  80.1% (113/141, 69 on the first guess), up several points from last month. Max. streak: 15. 
• Heardle 80s:  39.1% (9/23,  5 on the first guess), up from last month. Max. streak: 2. (Early in the month, all my stats disappeared -- AGAIN. Oh well, I generally don't do that well on the 80s Heardles anyway...!  Second (third??) chances??) 
• Heardle 90s: 35.85% (49/137, 11 on the first guess), down from last month. Max. streak: 4. 

Eating/Drinking:  

• Way too much for (Canadian) Thanksgiving at my parents' house. My sister & I got the turkey stuffed and into the oven; I made a coleslaw salad;  my sister makes excellent gravy;  my dad got the potatos & turnips peeled and chopped and on the stove. We also had peas, cranberry sauce, a cottage cheese/Jello/marshmallow "salad" and apple pie with ice cream for dessert -- all traditional stuff we eat at Thanksgiving and again at Christmastime.  :)   Dad also cooked a ham before we got there, and we ate ham and turkey leftovers all week long too (for dinner, and sandwiches for lunch). 
• We also had two dinners from the local congregate meal program for seniors, where my parents have been getting meals several times a week over the past year or two.  You can go there (to one of the local seniors' facilities) to eat (at lunchtime), and share a meal  and conversation with other seniors in the community, you can have your meals delivered to your home, or you can pick them up (which is what my father does) -- well-balanced, home-cooked meals for an incredibly low price ($7.50 Canadian!!)  -- and very tasty, too!  
• One such meal was a hot roast beef sandwich with gravy, homemade fries, coleslaw, a bun/dinner roll, and chocolate zucchini cake for dessert;  the other was roast pork with mashed potatos, gravy, mixed vegetables, dinner roll and apple crisp/crumble.
• Near the end of the month, we had dinner at dh's cousin's house (the one with the cottage/lake house where we've spent a weekend for the past few autumns). Luckily for us, our hostess is an excellent cook who loves to entertain. The menu included orechietti pasta with sausage & rapini;  quinoa with chunks of sweet potato, pumpkin seeds, pomegranate, red onion and probably a few other ingredients I've forgotten (really good!); salad, and red velvet cake (contributed by SIL)  and fruit for dessert. (Dh & I brought a couple of bottles of wine.) Yum!  

Buying (besides books, lol):  

• Plane tickets back to Manitoba for the Christmas holidays. :)  Got another good deal (20% off), albeit more expensive than our tickets for Thanksgiving were. 
• Flowers to be delivered to my aunt/godmother on her 90th birthday, earlier this month. 
• N-95-equivalent masks and rapid tests (purchased online -- stocking up for the winter...!).   
• A new Kobo e-reader -- the Clara 2E. Over the past year, my 8-year-old Aura H2O has become highly temperamental when it comes to downloading new books that I've purchased from the Kobo site (as I complained earlier this month, here). I guess 8 years is a pretty good run in e-reader terms...!  It was fast and easy to set up, and so far, so good... (fingers crossed, knocking wood...!)!  I'm still using my old Kobo too, finishing up the books I have open on it. 

Wearing:  We've had both chilly spells and warm spells (it reached 23C on Oct. 27th!) -- so my wardrobe has still included capri yoga pants (although I stopped wearing denim capris outside by the time we headed west for Thanksgiving), as well long jeans and socks with shoes (and sometimes slippers in the house).  I've also occasionally had to put on a cardigan in the house. 

Noticing & enjoying:  The amazing fall colours. :)  I love this time of year, and autumn in Ontario is generally pretty spectacular!  

Trying:  To stay organized as things start getting (even more??) busy... 

Appreciating:  The flight attendants who somehow managed to carve some extra space out of some very full overhead bins to accommodate our carry-on luggage on a very crowded flight back to Toronto! (as detailed in this post!) 

Wanting:  More hours in the day, sometimes..!  (And I'm retired! AND childless!! lol)  

Wondering: What to get LGN for a birthday present??  (4th, coming up soon...!)  

Prioritizing: Getting the laundry & cleaning done earlier this week so that we could go see our banker on Thursday, plus the HVAC guy is supposed to be coming on Friday (fingers crossed...!).  Of course the banker messaged me today that he's sick and likely staying home tomorrow (so we'll have to reschedule)...!  Oh well, it's done now!  

Hoping:  That the non-surgical procedure Older Nephew had done on Monday does the trick and brings an end to the problems he's been having...! 

Loving:  Seeing photos of both Little Great-Nephew & LGNiece in their Halloween costumes last night. :) (LGNiece is too little for trick or treating yet, but her parents dressed her up as a ladybug, lol.  LGNephew was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle -- Leonardo, I think?  His dad & uncle were also big Turtles fans when they were kids.)  

Feeling: Wondering what happened to October??  -- and how is it November already??  Shocked to realize how quickly Christmas will be upon us...!  Grateful for so many blessings in my life, including the time I got to spend with my family this month, and the beautiful fall colours (which are dwindling, but still in evidence).  Missing LGN, but glad he's enjoying school, and thankful for the time we did get to spend with him this month (including cottage time! -- even if it was cut short...!).