"The Wedding People" by Alison Espach (re-read)

I hugely enjoyed "The Wedding People" by Alison Espach the first time I read it, back in February 2025, and I immediately pegged it as a book my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club would likely enjoy, as it features that rare creature: a childless-not-by-choice heroine!  Happily, my co-host read the book and agreed!  and our group will be reading and chatting about "The Wedding People" throughout the month of October.  :)  I just finished re-reading it in preparation for our discussions, and (spoiler alert! lol)  I enjoyed it just as much the second time around.  

At first glance at the cover and description, you might dismiss this one as a "beach read" -- after all, it takes place during a lavish week-long "destination wedding" at a swanky oceanside resort hotel in Newport, Rhode Island. But there's more to the story here.  

Phoebe Stone arrives at the Cornwall Inn without luggage, dressed up in a green silk frock and gold high heels. We soon learn why she's there. **CONTENT WARNING & SPOILER ALERT** She's always wanted to stay at the Cornwall, and she's flown there from St. Louis on the spur of the moment to treat herself to one last big splurge -- before she commits suicide. Her husband has left her, for someone she thought was a friend (a colleague AND a mother to boot!), following repeated (unsuccessful) rounds of IVF and a miscarriage. She just turned 40.  She's also struggling with job burnout and -- the final straw -- the death of her beloved cat.    

But while checking in, Phoebe learns the entire hotel (apart from her suite) has been booked for a lavish, week-long wedding party.  Almost immediately, she's drawn into the lives of "the wedding people," and, in particular, the self-centred, chatty young bridezilla, Lila.

So -- much more than a standard "beach read."  The book touches on a lot of sensitive themes/realities that the many readers will relate to (especially childless women), including some sharp observations about marriage and weddings, grief and loss, friendships and how they change over time. But it's also a fast and often very funny read that kept me turning the pages.  

Overall, I (still) loved it. :)  My original rating for this book was 4.5 stars on StoryGraph, rounded down to 4 on Goodreads. "5 stars was very tempting," I said then. 

This time around, I'm giving into temptation:  5 stars.  :)   

This was Book #26 read to date in 2026 (and Book #1 finished in September), bringing me to 65% of  my 2026 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 40 books. I am currently 1 book behind pace to meet my goal. You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2026 tagged as "2026 books."  

Odds & ends

I've been collecting "odds & ends" of links for at least a month now... I know I've missed out on recording a LOT of great stuff I've read lately, but I think it's time to share what I do have! 

• Big (((hugs))) to Mali at No Kidding in NZ, who recently lost her husband.  :(  
• Ali Hall at Life Without Children ponders something many childless & childfree women have realized:  too many people wanting (expecting?) a village, too few people stepping up as villagers. ("How Expecting One-Way Support From Women Without Kids to Mothers Is Anti-Village.") 
• Also from Ali Hall: "Why It’s Important for Childfree and Childless People to Have Friends Without Kids" (as well as parent friends).  
• Jody Day shares more details about her Alterkin project, one year after it began, on her Gateway Elderwomen Substack. 
• Not necessarily ALI/CNBC related, but worth a read (made me smile!):  Mary Elizabeth Williams, an American living in Glasgow and writing on Substack, ponders "What Scotland's Tartan Army can show us about joy."  :)   (One memorable line:  "be the chaos goblin you wish to see in the world."  lol) 
• This one might not be an an easy read for some of us in our community -- I certainly found myself cringing as I read it.  And for a "Critic's Notebook," I wish the article contained less of fashion commentary and more actual criticism, and had more to say about pronatalism and the agenda at work here, etc.  But it certainly reflects where American society & politics are right now...! Gift link:  "The Politics and Power of the Pregnancy Image." 
• A member of my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club -- where we recently read "You Are Here" by David Nicholls, one of my favourite novels of recent years -- alerted us recently that the BBC is adapting the novel, and has cast Claire Foy and Matthew Macfadyen in the roles of Marnie and Michael.  Nicholls is doing the screenplay, and the director, Lenny Abrahamson,  was in charge of the exquisite screen version of "Normal People,"  so this bodes well!  
• Sara Petersen at "In Pursuit of Clean Countertops" on Patreon talked to Kathryn Jezer-Morton about her new book ("The Story of Your Life"), "the flat story," "snark communities" and redemption narratives. Fascinating stuff!  
• Kirstie Kimball at "beyondbeurreblanc" is an independent food critic from Minnesota, who wrote a moving essay about her infertility:  "The Ghost in My Third Bedroom."  (T/W:  Cancer.)  
• Jill Holly at "Spinster-esque" on Substack has some great content related to being childless/free, including several recent posts with reading recommendations. Example:  "Books to become a feisty childfree elder:  All the inspo you need to age disgracefully."  ;)  
• Lana Manikowski has had several thoughtful posts lately on her Substack "Infertile and Childless. So Now What?"  including "The Hardest Part of Infertility" and "I’m Not the Same Woman I Was When Fertility Treatment Ended." Sample passage:  

For years, I thought surviving fertility treatment was the hardest part. Looking back, I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Turns out, the hardest part wasn’t going through IVF. It was figuring out who I was when there wasn’t another protocol to try or another cycle to start.

Odds & ends

• Anyone else feeling overwhelmed by the sudden onslaught of prom, graduation and last day of school photos on social media this week??  (In Canada/North America, anyway -- I know different countries have different school year calendars!) It's been going on in dribs & drabs over the past month or so, as the school year wound down, and I've been doing OK so far -- but today/tomorrow is the last day of school hereabouts, plus lots of grads & proms this week, and it's like I've reached the saturation point…! 

• Mel is marking a big milestone over at Stirrup Queens! Go over and congratulate (and thank) her!  

• Sue Fagalde Lick at "Can I Do it Alone?" recently landed in the hospital :(  Go wish her well and read some of her posts from the past month about what happened and what childless seniors living alone can do to better cope with these crises. 

• On a related note:  Jody Day was interviewed about her Alterkin project, aging as a childless person, and aging generally, as part of an article on aging in The Atlantic! Here's a gift link for "Americans Are in Denial About Elder Care." (Not just Americans...) 

• Jody Day also flagged this thought-provoking article from "The Shift by Sam Baker" -- a guest post from Kim Willis:  "Stop calling me 'child-free'." 
• I wrote a similarly themed post in the early days of this blog, almost 19 (!) years ago (and have returned to the subject several times since then):  "Am I childLESS or childFREE?"

• Nora McInerny reminds all of us who take photos to "Get in the picture." (That includes those of us without kids -- a subject I have written about in the past -- here, for example.)  

I’m only asking you to consider that with the exception of the worst people in the world, life is tragically short. Someday, you will look upon this version of yourself and see yourself through new eyes. Eyes that might need bifocals or cataract surgery, but eyes that still work well enough to see that you, with that rogue chin hair or the jeans that Gen Z TikTokkers are trying to bully you out of wearing are more beautiful than you know.

Someday you will long for the version of you that exists today, however flawed you believe her to be. Give future you something to marvel over, grab your Cybershot, and get in the picture.

• “Everything happens for a reason.” Or does it?  Lexi Weber Johnson at "Not Expecting" explains why this is not a helpful thing to say to someone who is grieving. 

Underneath the “everything happens for a reason” line is something more universal: a discomfort with uncertainty. We want life to make sense. We want outcomes to add up. We want suffering to belong to a larger story. Because the reality that some things simply happen, full stop, is harder to bear.

• Jennie Agg at Life, Almost says "I can't keep up." (She is singing my song...!)
• Jennie also has thoughts on "Trimester Zero" (!). ("Let's not do this.") 
  

• I haven't quite lost all my elders yet -- I still have my dad, and most of my dad's siblings, and my maternal uncle's wife, and several of my mother's cousins (and am thankful for every day I still have them all in my life). But I found myself nodding vigorously as I read Cyndie Spiegel's post from "Life, Created" ("v. 70 One Day You Realize That There's No One Left to Ask"). 
• I have been feeling this keenly since my mom's death in January, and the task of sorting through several generations' worth of possessions. More and more, I feel my past slipping through my fingers and receding into the distance. And I'm mourning that loss alongside the loss of my mom.  

Recent odds & ends

• World Childless Week (WCW) has announced the daily topics for WCW 2026 (Sept. 14th to 20th).  Learn more about WCW 2026 and how you can get involved here.   
• In a blog post for the World Childless Week website, Gayle Letherby offers "Some Reflections on Being ‘Other'." 
• Lana Manikowski at "Infertile and Childless: So Now What?" poses an important question: "When IVF Fails Again and Again: How Do You Know When Enough Is Enough?" 
• Lexi Weber at "Not Expecting" shares five observations about infertility (including that "Infertility makes you weird at brunch").  
• PJ is "In Transition" -- and yes, PJ, this all definitely sounds familiar!!  (Read her post and a few of my latest, and you'll understand why...!)  
• Every now & then, a long-dormant blog on my blogroll will pop to the top of the list with a new post. "Tips on Triplets" re-emerged recently with a post ("Trauma Chameleon") looking at the lingering effects of loss and trauma, 15 years later. 
• Y'all know I love the Flavia de Luce novels by Canadian author Alan Bradley. Sadly, I learned through one of my book clubs (where we read the first Flavia book together which was happily very well received!) that Bradley died on May 19th at age 87. How he managed to channel an 11-year-old girl (from 1950s UK -- when he'd never set foot there before he wrote the first book!) so incredibly well will remain a mystery...!  
• Very happily, he left one final Flavia novel for us:  "Numb Were the Beadsman's Fingers," available on Nov. 3rd.  :)  Also, "Flavia" the movie (based on the first Flavia book, "The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie") will be released in North America on Dec. 4th! (It's been out in the UK since early April.)  

Pre-Voldemort Day thoughts, and some odds & ends

You will understand that, as a childless-not-by-choice woman (via stillbirth & infertility), That-Day-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named, coming up this weekend (which I've dubbed "Voldemort Day") is not exactly my favourite on the calendar. (Check out the tag "Voldemort Day (Mother's Day)" for past posts on the subject.)  And as someone who hasn't lived within 1000 miles of her parents in 40 years, whose mother-in-law died before I ever met her, I haven't had to worry too much about family considerations on this day either.  I'd send a card, give Mom a call, maybe chip in on a gift that my (childfree by choice) sister would buy and deliver, and do whatever I wanted for the rest of the day.  

This year, I'll be spending Mother's Day AT my parents' house, for the first time in about 35 years. (I had a business trip in the early 1990s that brought me to Winnipeg just before Mother's Day, as well as my grandmother's birthday. I arranged to spend the weekend with them. I am so glad I did.)   

Except (major plot twist) Mom won't be there -- she died in January. I am now motherless, as well as childless. I was lucky enough to have my mother for almost 65 years;  my daughter never took a breath outside my body, but I miss them both, and especially on days like this one.  

My dad and sister have not mentioned MDay at all. (Yet?)  

I am not going to remind them. 

And now for some links:  

• We were at the mall one morning earlier this week.  It's not uncommon to see young moms there, out with their babies in strollers -- sometimes by themselves, sometimes in pairs. I thought I'd seen everything the day I saw four moms with four strollers. 
• Reader -- I had not. On this particular day, I encountered a group of moms with babies in strollers coming my way. TWELVE of them!!!  (I counted.)  12!!! Walking in a group, two or three abreast.  
• (A while later, I saw another group of five!  Not sure if they had broken off from the earlier group I saw, or if this was an entirely different group??)
• All I could think was that it was a good thing that I'm in a relatively good place these days. I mostly just shook my head in disbelief, texted dh (who also saw them, and thought it was hilarious) and... carried on.  Also that if this had been 20-25 years ago, it would have finished me off, sent me home immediately, and kept me away from the mall for weeks.(Progress?) 
• (I also wondered whether this en masse outing had anything to do with the fact that it was just a few days before Voldemort Day/MDay??)  
• Y.L. Wolfe absolutely nails it with her latest Substack piece at On the Outside: "Why This Childless Woman Chooses to Celebrate Mother's Day...Alone."  (Content warning:  Photo of mother & baby at the top of the page.)  A couple of excerpts:  

Don’t misunderstand - I absolutely believe mothers deserve a day of celebration and pampering. They deserve more than a day, in fact.

But that doesn’t mean it has to come at the expense of other women or exist in a space that ignores any other woman’s life circumstances...

I believe women like me need the same thing that mothers ask for: space to take up, validation, and support. In the absence of getting that from a culture indifferent and sometimes hostile to women without children, then we must give it to ourselves.

• This article also absolutely nails the childless-not-by-choice experience and why it can be so painful.  The lengthy title says it all:  "The hardest part of being childless by circumstance, not choice, often may not be the grief people expect — it may be the invisibility of living a life other people have no template for."  Excerpt:  

When women in this position describe the hardest part, they rarely lead with the absence of children. The absence is familiar by the time they’re forty-five. They’ve been around it. They have, on most days, made some sort of working peace with it.

What they describe instead is something more like a slow, ambient erasure. The conversations at dinner parties drift to school catchments and they’re not in them. Their friends speak in shorthand about a life stage they don’t share. Their own parents go quiet about future grandchildren. They are, increasingly, in rooms that aren’t built for them, and the architecture of those rooms gets repeated until it begins to feel like the architecture of the world.

• Virginia Evans, author of "The Correspondent" (which is high on my "want to read" list), is a mother, but she wrote an article for People that I can heartily agree with:  "Mothering Takes a Village. This Mother's Day, Let's Celebrate the Other Mother Figures."  (h/t to Kathleen Guthrie Woods for flagging this one on social media!). (And content warning:  there's a photo at the top of Virginia with her children.)  
• I got tears in my eyes reading this interview in the New York Times with Tracy Clark-Flory:  "My Mom Had a Secret Daughter. I Finally Found Her."  I've put her book on my wish list. (Gift link.) 
• At Afterglow, Katie Dunn welcomes a guest post from fellow Substacker Lexi Weber: "The unexpected intimacy of infertility."   
• Lexi writes at "Not (What I Was) Expecting." I've added her to my blogrolls here and on Feedly. Recent (also excellent) post: “You never know what could happen.” (and why that's not something you should say to someone going through infertility or facing permanent childlessness).  

Pre-Christmas odds & ends

• Counting down to Little Great-Nephew #2's birthday party, and our flight west for Christmas... 
• I mentioned our most recent plumbing issues in my last post, and that I wound up taking a shower in the second bathroom for the first time in nearly 10 years (!). 
• What I didn't mention was that the tub walls are quite high,  my left knee is rather stiff and it was a bit of a step to get in and out. And I slipped and banged the back of my left thigh, just above the knee, on the edge of the tub as I was getting out. 
• It ached briefly, but I didn't think much about it -- until dh, seeing my bare leg on Wednesday morning as I was getting dressed (three full days after I banged it), said, "You've got a big bruise back there!"  I ran to the full-length mirror. 
• Sure enough, there was a big purple blotch, about the size of my palm.  Greeeaaaat... Cue the anxiety and the consultations with Dr. Google:  "Flying with a bruise."  (Yikes.) 
• Since then, I've been taking ibuprofen and using an icepack a couple of times a day to attempt to reduce the swelling and attempting to elevate the leg when I'm sitting (albeit that can be awkward...!). I bought (and began using) an arnica-based gel that's supposed to help relieve muscle aches and bruises, etc., a neoprene compression sleeve that fits over the knee and covers the bruise, a wrap-around tensor bandage (in case the neoprene sleeve feels too tight), and a pair of compression stockings (that only go up to the knee). I've been trying both wraps out at home and will probably wear one of them on the plane. 
• Any tips for me??  
• (Like I need one more thing to worry about...!) 
• (For what it's worth, dh thinks it's looking a little better than it did on Wednesday? But it's still very much there...) 
• I've discovered an alternative to the dearly departed Pocket! Anne Helen Petersen of Culture Study has been recommending Instapaper to her readers as a way to get around paywalls for at least some (if not all) weblinks.  I signed up, downloaded the app to my phone, and gave it a try with a couple of links. Worked like a charm. :)  I was even able to import my Pocket links (which I'd downloaded to my laptop before Pocket's demise). 
• Another alternative I'd been using that often works:  Archive Today. 
• Timely:  A friend from the Childless Collective shared this article from British "agony aunt" Philippa Perry: "My 10 rules for a happier Christmas."  Applicable for everyone, but childless people who are often torn over what to do about the holidays will likely appreciate some her advice. 
• In "2025 Childfree Trending," Laura Carroll -- author of the groundbreaking book on pronatalism, "The Baby Matrix" (reviewed here), offers some thoughts on the state of pronatalism in 2025, and the positive developments in the childfree movement, including online community building, and the growth in the number of businesses that are marketing to non-parents.  
• In Life Without Children, Charlie Brown explains "Why We Must Stop Assuming The Fertility-Challenged Eventually Get Their “Miracle Baby”."  (Hear, hear!!)  
• Also in Life Without Children, Charlie Brown also explained "Why I Want To Help Break the Silence That Surrounds Infertility." (While I'm not as likely to talk openly about my experiences, I could relate to just about everything Charlie wrote!)  
• Katie Dunn at Afterglow describes what it's like "When every friend has a baby" and "How I went from feeling left behind and left out, to grateful and thriving." 

Do you know the feeling? That sharp, visceral sting when your heart aches for something you don’t have, while everyone around you celebrates exactly that? For anyone navigating infertility or baby loss, being the only non-parent in your circle can be absolutely brutal.

• This Toronto Star article gave me the heebie-jeebies. :(  "She wanted a natural pregnancy and childbirth. It ended in tragedy." (Gift link.) 
• Also in the "heebie-jeebies" category (but worth a read):  "They Answered an Ad for Surrogates, and Found Themselves in a Nightmare." (Gift link.)
• The New York Times's Modern Love column explores "Why It’s Best to Imagine the Worst" and why "I can't imagine" is one of the worst things you can say to someone.  
• Subheading:  "After learning devastating news about our young son, we needed to feel connected to friends and family, not just exist beyond their imagination."
• A recent post by The Nomo Book Club Substack features "A collection of non-fiction books that are building a community of non-mother voices."  I've read many of these books myself (and others are in my massive to-be read pile). Worth checking out!  
• This was followed up more recently by another post about "solo NoMos":  "A collection of memoirs by solo women who are embracing lives outside the mainstream narrative." I've read and can enthusiastically vouch for several of the books on this list. 
• And Lisa Sibbett at The Auntie Bulletin posted about "The Best Novels I Read in 2025." There's actually a lot more than novels listed -- 70 books in all!  And coincidentally, or not, many of them are relevant to aunties, chosen family and friendship. (I see at least a couple that I've read and loved!) Enjoy! 

Odds & ends

• Not ALI/CNBC related, but y'all know I am a huge fan of L.M. Montgomery -- and Modern Mrs. Darcy recently pointed her readers to a Substack post that ranked the men in Montgomery's novels. (Guess who tops the list?)  
• I wouldn't argue with her choices, although it's been many years since I last (re)read "Kilmeny of the Orchard" and now I want to find myself a copy...! 
• Ali Hall cross-posted this Substack post from Nadia Huq through her own Substack, Life Without Children -- "How I Grew to Love The Single, Childfree Me." Even if you're partnered and consider yourself childless vs childfree, as I do, I think you will probably find a few things here you can relate to! 
• Also on Life Without Children, Ali ponders why parents can talk about their children while childless/free people are expected to shut up about their different life experiences ("Being Childfree Is Not My ‘Whole Personality’ but Here’s Why I Need to Talk About It"). 

The double standard and irony of it all is that, in my experience, often, those beating their drums the loudest about us childfree people talking about being childfree are usually the ones who have made parenting their whole personality and have “mom of boys” or “proud mumma bear” in their bios.

And that’s ok.

But why do they get to build their world around having children and expect those of us who don’t have them to be silent?

• Rosalyn at NoMo Book Club describes the comfort that can be found in books that encompass the worlds of other childless/free women ("Sharing sanctuary"). 
• Carrie Hauskens at Blooming With Care wrote about her childless holidays -- and her Bonne Maman advent calendar tradition (yum!).  
• Further on the New York Times magazine story of the 65-year-old woman who can't stop/won't stop having babies (gift link included in this post), Sara Petersen at In Pursuit of Clean Countertops invites former fundamentalist wife Tia Levings to muse about how "It's Easy To Want Babies:  It's Harder To Raise Them." 
• American journalist Kirsten Powers (who has no children) writes about the panic attacks she's been experiencing as the holiday season approaches ("When Grief Take You Out"). After reading about what her year has been like, you'll understand why...!   
• I've been mulling over an "I hate November" rant these last few days (feeling sick and sorry for myself...) -- and Anne Helen Petersen just posted about "fall regression" on her Culture Study Patreon, and the comments section is filled with people venting about season depression and grief. My comment begins with the words, "You all are my people,"  lol    
• (Unfortunately, the piece is paywalled, but here's a preview link.) 
• Lyz Lenz's list of Sunday links on her Men Yell at Me Patreon included this one (from McSweeney's, a humor site), and I couldn't help but think about infertility as soon as I saw the headline: "When It Happens."  

It’s impossible to say when IT will HAPPEN. But it can’t be too long until IT HAPPENS. Looking at the data (age, high-stress job, cardiac history), it is statistically plausible that IT will HAPPEN in the next thirty-six months.

#MicroblogMondays: Odds & ends

• 
  (Once again, odds & ends for #MM -- but hey, it's what I've got right now...!  In no particular order:) 
• It's our Thanksgiving long weekend here, and we enjoyed a nice dinner at BIL & SIL's on Saturday with the nephews & their families. 
• The Halloween goodie bags I assembled for the great-niblings were a hit!  LGNephew #1 exclaimed over the Robert Munsch book I'd chosen for him ("Boo!")  and gave me a big hug (awww...), and he and LGNiece donned their Halloween deelybobbers -- LGNephew #2 was less enchanted, lol. LGNephew #1 changed into his new glow-in-the-dark Halloween PJs to wear in the car before they left, and LGNephew #2 was sporting one of the new onesies I'd bought for him in photos posted by Older Nephew's wife the next day.  Success!!  (On to shopping for birthdays and Christmas...!  lol)  
• Still not a lot of autumn colours to be seen hereabouts! -- especially when I look at photos taken at this time of year in years past. I think it's because we had such a warm September -- no frosts to date (although we came close a couple of mornings last week!).   
• I was sad to hear the actress Diane Keaton had died at age 79 (what??!).  
• I know Woody Allen is considered completely politically incorrect/taboo these days -- but I came of age watching his movies, many of them co-starring Diane Keaton, and I still love many of them:  "Annie Hall," "Love and Death," "Play it Again Sam," :Manhattan" (yeah, it's creepy seeing him with a very young Mariel Hemingway -- but that Gershwin score! that gorgeous black-and-white cinematography!!). 
• "Annie Hall" came out just as I was heading into my last year of high school -- and the "Annie Hall" look was HUGE that year. With the money I'd earned that summer working part-time at the local drive-in movie theatre and an antique shop, I bought a new Annie-esque outfit (mostly at Fairweathers at the long-gone Unicity Mall) that I wore to my first day of school that fall:  a plaid knife-pleated skirt that fell below the knees; black thigh-high, high-heeled boots;  a white shirt, black men's tie, salmon-pink sweater vest, and grey flannel blazer. (I think I still have the tie!)
• I loved so many more of her movies too: "The Godfather" movies with Al Pacino (one of her (other) famous lovers);  "Reds," with Warren Beatty (ditto)(which I saw on my 21st birthday at a grand old movie palace in downtown Winnipeg -- en route out, I begged the theatre manager for one of the posters, which hung in my dorm room for the rest of my university career);  "Baby Boom" with the incredibly sexy Sam Shepard (although I imagine I would find the plot pretty wince-inducing these days...!);  "Something's Gotta Give" with Jack Nicholson and Keanu Reeves;  "The First Wives Club" with Goldie Hawn and Bette Midler....   
• Keaton never married, but she adopted two children, a daughter and a son, when she was in her early 50s. (!) They would be in their 20s now, I think. 
• About 20-25 years ago, she was making a movie that was partly filmed in the small Manitoba town where my parents live. My mother told me that Keaton went in to the local Co-op grocery store with curlers in her hair (!), and the young checkout girl, not knowing who she was, asked her for her Co-op number (lolol).  I hope Keaton was as tickled by that story as we were. Hollywood pretentious she was not.  :)  
• Jennifer Aniston, poster girl/heroine for those of us who tried and didn't succeed at having the children we wanted, talks about that time in her life (among other things) in Harpers Bazaar UK's November issue. 
• Aniston previously spoke out on these matters in Allure's December 2022 issue.  I wrote about it (and the reaction to it in the CNBC community), here and here. So grateful for her honesty! 
• Nicole Chung -- who was adopted -- writes in The Atlantic about "When Adoption Promises are Broken." What happens when open adoption arrangements are not honoured? 
• As someone who knows a major cleanout of her parents' home of 40+ years (after 65+ years of marriage) is coming sooner vs later, I appreciated this Substack post from Catriona Innes of "Crocuses in the snow":  "When possessions hold memories, how do we choose what to throw away?"
• Simon Haisell at Footnotes & Tangents has announced 5 new slow readalongs for 2026, plus the return of both "War and Peace" and "Wolf Crawl "(Hilary Mantel's Cromwell Trilogy). (I took part in both W&P and Wolf Crawl in 2024, and highly recommend the experience!) I'll likely be reading along with at least some if not all of these! 
• Back in late August, drowning in back-to-school/off to college/empty nest social media posts from my mom friends, I read an article from The Atlantic about "How Parents Hijacked the College Dorm" -- and, in response, wrote a lengthy post reminiscing about my own college dorm rooms (vintage 1979 photo included!).   
• This past week, Anne Helen Petersen at "Culture Study" did a deep dive into the subject with Meagan Francis (who wrote The Atlantic article):  "What's Really Going on With Those Elaborate (Parent-Decorated) College Dorm Rooms?" The conversation was fascinating (photos included!), and so are the comments!  I believe it's not (currently?) paywalled. 
• As an avid genealogist, I absolutely loved this story when I first stumbled onto it in the New York Times three years ago (already?!):  "‘Downton Shabby': A Commoner Takes on an English Castle."  (Gift linked article.  And there's a book by the same name!)   Here's the lede: 

People who search genealogy websites often find birth and marriage records, newspaper clippings, faded photographs or maybe a long-lost relative.

Hopwood DePree found a 60-room English manor.

• It's not QUITE a "castle" -- but it's a 50,000 square-foot mansion (!), with some sections dating back to the 1400s (!). Hopwood Hall had been abandoned and derelict for decades -- but when he flew from his home in California to England to see it, Hopwood DePree recognized its value and its potential -- and he's rallied the community to save and restore the property.  
• This past week, I found a series of related video shorts from Ancestry.com on YouTube, featuring Hopwood DePree and Hopwood Hall.  Here's a link to the first episode.  They're also reposted on his Facebook & Instagram accounts, which I'm now following! 
• (I haven't looked at everything yet, but apparently, the estate is currently embroiled in some sort of dispute over the land surrounding the house that's delayed further progress on the restoration. Hopefully it will be resolved soon!) 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

#MicroblogMondays: Odds & ends

• 
  Lana Manikowski at "Infertile and Childless. So Now What?" nails it in "The Grief That Comes Without a Funeral." (Italics & boldface from the original text.) 

Here’s what few people understand: infertility grief isn’t just about a failed IVF cycle or a miscarriage. It’s about the futures we already built in our imagination. The baby names we whispered. The vacations we dreamed of as a family. The family photos we pictured on holiday cards. Every negative test isn’t just a single “no.” It’s another lifetime quietly slipping away, one no one else even knew existed. That’s why it feels so heavy, because you’re mourning futures no one else will ever acknowledge. There are no condolences. No casseroles. Just silence.

• "On the Outside," Y.L. Wolfe tells it like is: "Childless Women Do Not Need Your Unsolicited Advice."  Subheading:  "Yes, we've considered all the options, and no, we don't want to talk about it with strangers."  PREACH!! 

Small excerpt: 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The truth is, childless women make people uncomfortable. We’re living proof that life doesn’t always go the way you want it to. Our very presence inspires people’s worst fears and thus, I suspect, they feel unconsciously desperate to comfort themselves by acting like this is a problem that could easily be fixed.

• Y.L. Wolfe's writing is always great, but (as an amateur genealogist) I especially loved this article she wrote for Medium (which may or may not be paywalled?):  "The Unexpected Branching of a Childless Woman’s Family Tree." (Subhead: "Expanding the meaning of legacy for women who didn’t get the chance to have children.")  Excerpt: 

I don’t believe for a moment that our line ends here. That our existence won’t still reach as far into the future as it does into the past.

Branches will grow out from us, whether we have children or not.

and 

It’s important to remember that legacy isn’t just about biology...  you’re passing on parts of yourself to everyone you come across, whether you are related to them or not... there are countless ways to pass down your family values, your ideals, your wisdom, mostly in a manner that cannot be quantified or measured.

In fact, you’ll likely never know the impact you have made on the people in your life and the ripple effect that will have long after you are gone, on people you’ll never meet.

Legacy is a much bigger concept than we’ve been led to believe.

• Ali Hall at "Life Without Children" ponders "Why We Need To Change the Language Used for People Without Children" (subhead: "And all the ways 'childfree' and 'childless' are used against us"). (Not sure I like her proposed alternative... the quest continues...!)  
• This wasn't the first post I read musing about language choices for those of us living without children, and I'm certain it won't be the last...!  In fact -- the third post I ever wrote for this blog -- back in November 2007! -- explored a similar question:  "Am I childLESS or childFREE?" 

• Well worth a listen:  Jody Day chats with Zoe Noble of  'We Are Childfree" (which is both a Substack and a podcast, available on many podcast platforms, such as Spotify). 

• Not ALI-related, but another thoughtful & interesting piece from Charlie Angus at "The Resistance," about the most famous political assassination in Canadian history (not that there have been a lot of them -- and thank goodness for that!). I thought some of you might find it interesting! 
• As I mentioned in this post from 2017 (about a trip to Ottawa), as a high school senior taking part in the Rotary Club's Adventure in Citizenship program, I was being driven to Parliament Hill on the first morning, and the man driving me pointed to a street corner in passing and said, "Over there is the spot where where they shot D'Arcy McGee."  I had only a hazy idea of who D'Arcy McGee was at that point, but his remark stuck with me, and I looked him up when I got home, (We passed by the plaque marking the spot on that 2017 trip -- the same one pictured in the Substack post -- and I took a photo of it. We also had dinner at D'Arcy McGee's pub, also mentioned and pictured in the post.)  
• I vividly remember the other assassination mentioned, which took place 100+ years later, in October 1970 -- the "October Crisis," in which separatist terrorists kidnapped Quebec cabinet minister Pierre Laporte and British diplomat James Cross in Montreal, and murdered Laporte. (Cross was released.) I was 9 years old at the time, and one of my school friends told us Laporte had been beheaded (!). Her father was an RCMP officer, so we figured she would know. (He wasn't; the poor man was strangled.)  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

Odds & ends

• I spotted my first back-to-school post on social media yesterday, from someone in the U.S. It's only mid-August...!  I expect to be bracing myself against the onslaught for the next full month... sigh... 
• Dh & I went to the mall this morning. The temperature around noon was 29C, humidex reading 39C (it's currently 33C & 42C) -- the mall was busy (some of them back to school shoppers, I assume) -- it was very clammy/humid inside there too (despite the a/c) -- and I saw a rack of WINTER COATS on display in one of the women's wear stores!! I mean, seriously?? 
• Carrie Hauskens of Blooming With Care was a guest on NBC's high-profile Today morning show with Jenna Bush Hager (the former president's daughter) and Tyra Banks on Aug. 1st -- International Childfree Day.  She & her husband resolved to live without children after infertility and the stillbirth of their daughter Clementine. What a platform!!  I especially appreciated Tyra Banks's thoughtful comments -- she actually "got it" -- you can almost see the light bulb going off over her head. ;)  You can watch her segment -- a full 9 minutes! -- here. 
• Jody Day of Gateway Women was interviewed in an article for the Associated Press that was published in a number of major U.S. newspapers, including the Washington Post and Seattle Times, as well as online news sites -- about  "Why the search for meaning can cause ‘purpose anxiety,’ and what to do about it."  (I'm not sure I've heard the term "purpose anxiety" before, but I certainly believe it exists!) 
• Says Jody:  "Even after 14 years of my work being widely discussed across the world, this is the first time I've been in the mainstream US press!"  IT'S ABOUT TIME!! -- Congratulations!   
• On a similar note, Katie Couric Media recently shared a personal essay:  "This Isn’t the Midlife I Imagined — Here’s How I Pivoted at 55."  The author pursued parenthood until she was 54 (!) -- and realized, after spending time with a friend's teenager, that it was time to pursue new dreams. Still, she struggled with the question of "what now?"  She concludes: 

This version of midlife is different from the one I expected; it’s more trial and error, more exploration and unknowns, but I’m learning to live it fully — and I’m uncovering interests and dreams I never knew existed as I go. I’m excited to see what awaits. I’m no longer chasing the life I thought I was supposed to have; I’m focusing on the one I have right now.

• This was an interesting article in the New York Times recently, about a co-housing community of aging women living in "tiny houses" in Texas.  **NOTE:  Not everyone in the community is childless.**  Nevertheless, it's interesting to read about how one group has structured such a community and is making it work!  (Gift link attached.) 
• The love of my life -- when I was 15 years old, lol -- Stuart "Woody" Wood of the 1970s band Bay City Rollers (whose memoir I recently read and reviewed), and the current band lineup (he's the sole remaining member of the classic 1970s lineup) -- played a concert at the Highland Games in Fergus, Ontario, about 1.5 hours from here/Toronto, on Saturday night (while I was otherwise engaged, attending a family wedding -- not that dh would have been keen to take me to a BCR concert anyway!  lol).  
• On Sunday afternoon, they posted photos & videos on their social media of Woody and the other band members out & about in downtown Toronto -- including Nathan Phillips Square, scene of a hysterical mob of some 55,000 screaming teenaged girls, on a hot summer day in June 1976. (A photo from that day appears on the inside cover of their "Dedication" album -- unfortunately, while I could find photos of the album cover, the inside cover photo remains elusive! but there are other photos from the day available on Google.)  
• Needless to say, almost 50 (!) years later, it was quite a different scene -- the square was almost completely empty -- and I posted a comment to that effect on the video. And Woody actually responded to my post!!  Teenaged me was THRILLED!!  (lol)  (Okay, 60-something me was pretty tickled too!  lol)  See the screenshot below (with a few redactions). 
  
  
  
  

Odds & ends

• After reading this article about a mother's grief  over the loss of not just one but BOTH of her (teenaged/young adult) sons (!), I immediately added the book she's written to my wish list.  
• Related article from The Guardian. 
•  This story -- about bereaved parents from British Columbia, who mistakenly received an itemized bill for their stillborn daughter's autopsy (!) -- but not the ashes they were expecting -- was featured on the CBC National news recently.
• The doctor interviewed points to the lack of standards when dealing with pregnancy loss across Canada. It's infuriating to realize how little has changed, certainly in the 27 years since my own loss, and it's been going on a LOT longer than that! 
• I found a "print" version of the story on CBC's website too, which includes two radio/podcast links to listen to (one that's 23 minutes long). I have not listened to that one yet. 
• While I was searching for a link for that story, I found another recent story related to pregnancy loss and Mother's Day from CBC British Columbia, and thought I'd share it with you all (even though Mother's Day was several weeks ago).  
• I found this link via Sari Botton's Substack, I think: "I Was Devastated By The Death Of My Newborn Baby. This Unexpected TV Show Helped Me Feel Alive Again." (Subhead: "I laughed — out loud — for the first time in weeks. I had forgotten that I still knew how.")  
• I felt/feel the same way about the book "Bridget Jones's Diary" by Helen Fielding. I've written about my fondness for the book many times before (here, for example). It made me laugh at a time I never thought I'd laugh again. 
• I don't remember latching on to a sitcom the same way, but during the 2+ months I was at home I watched lots of episodes of "The View" (which was still pretty new, I think) and Oprah, as well "A Wedding Story" on TLC.  I could NOT watch "A Baby Story," for obvious reasons, but the wedding stuff was something I could get enjoy. 
• In the Globe & Mail, Aviva Coopersmith asks "Who's my dad?"  and calls for the end of donor gamete anonymity. (Gift link) 
• On the Life Without Children Substack, Charlie Brown asks (in a piece that originally ran on Medium): "How Do You Grieve For Infertility When There Is Always Another Potential Route to Parenthood?"   Sample passage:  

...I feel the weighty expectation that I should try to be a parent by any means necessary, regardless of how much it costs or how stressful and traumatic the process is. I feel the expectation that my own feelings should be shelved as I relentlessly slog through parenting alternatives.

Don’t grieve, it’s not over yet!

When you’re infertile, it’s never over. There is always another round of IVF. Another donor egg to procure. Another sperm donor to use. Another vulnerable child to adopt. And of course, there’s always another payment plan to help make your dreams come true.

• And on her own Substack, On the Outside, Y.L. Wolfe turns the spotlight on the long-ignored power of single & childless women.  A couple of excerpts:  

We aren’t just a demographic that is doing some heavy lifting in society and outperforming many other demographics, but we literally have enough numbers to qualify us as a force to be reckoned with.

We have the power, we have the competence, and we have the numbers.

No wonder they are afraid of the “cat ladies” of America!

and (and this is SO true, I think!!) 

I often think that childless women must scare the shit out of mothers, the same way that childfree women scare men. Childfree women remind men (and all of society, I might add) that women have a choice in what they do with their lives, something our society desperately doesn’t want women to remember. Childless women remind mothers (and again, all of society) that we can make choices…and things still might not work out the way we planned, something our society desperately wants to deny.

Women without children are a scary demographic. And what does it mean when society is scared of a demographic? It means we have power.

And that’s why society works so goddamn hard to try to convince us we don’t.

• I'm not sure whether non-subscribers can access this? But Anne Helen Petersen (who is childfree by choice) hosts a Culture Study podcast on Substack, as well as her Substack newsletter -- and she recently did an episode on the subject of "intensive parenting trends." I have not listened to the episode yet (although I've browsed the transcript) -- but I read her intro, as well as the comments.  She said (in part): 

People often ask me why I care so much about parenting when I am not, myself, a parent. This question is always so weird to me — of course I care about parenting norms, because I’m surrounded by parents! The choices that parents make (in the voting booth, as consumers, as community members, as friends) have so many direct and indirect effects on my life and everyone’s lives. Plus I’m always interested in how people try and make sense of a ton of contradictory information and “best practices” about how to be in the world, and whew, that is contemporary parenting right now.

I commented:  

That first paragraph -- so true! Thank you for that, AHP (from another non-parent, albeit it was not a choice on my part). Just because we don't have kids doesn't mean we aren't interested. (To a point, anyway, lol.)

To which AHP responded: 

LOL LORI YES

(LOL indeed...!)  

• Finally, this is a really, really excellent article that is definitely worth a read:  "If you’re 50, childless, and people keep asking “don’t you regret it?”—here’s what psychology says."  Extremely well said!   

"The Wedding People" by Alison Espach

I first heard about "The Wedding People" by Alison Espach from Modern Mrs. Darcy, who highlighted it in her summer 2024 book preview last year. Since then, several people (both inside & outside the CNBC/blogging world) have recommended it (including Mel and Jess -- the link goes to her review), and Jenna Bush Hager chose it for her Read With Jenna Book Club) (August 2024 pick).  When I recently found myself (finally!) clear of book club priorities (for the time being, anyway...!), it was the first book I reached for in my "priority TBR" pile.

Even so, I approached it with some trepidation. For one thing, even when people whose opinions I respect tell me they've enjoyed a book, I'm always just a little afraid that maybe I won't. I also was a little leery because while I've heard some reviews describe this book as "chick lit,"  I knew it touches on a serious topic that one wouldn't normally associate with that genre.  

Phoebe Stone arrives at the Cornwall Inn, a swanky, scenic hotel in Newport, Rhode Island, without luggage, wearing a green dress and gold high heels. Within the first few pages, we learn why she's there. **CONTENT WARNING & SPOILER ALERT:** She's flown there from across the country on an impulse, intending to enjoy an evening in a place she's always longed to visit -- before she commits suicide. Her life is a mess:  her marriage has fallen apart; her husband left her for someone she thought was a friend (a colleague AND a mother to boot!), following repeated (unsuccessful) rounds of IVF, a miscarriage and the prospect of permanent childlessness -- not to mention the death of her beloved cat and general career burnout.   

However, Phoebe soon discovers the entire inn -- aside from her suite -- has been booked for a week-long wedding celebration. In short order, she unexpectedly becomes the unlikely confidante of the chatty young bride (Bridezilla??), Lila (who is horrified when she learns of Phoebe's plans -- not so much by the thought that Phoebe wants to kill herself, mind you, but that doing so will ruin the vibes of her carefully planned wedding week!!).  And she finds herself drawn further and further into the lives of "the wedding people." 

Obviously, there's some serious stuff covered here, and the book touches on a lot of sensitive themes/realities that the many of us -- especially in the CNBC community -- will relate to. There are some sharp observations about marriage and weddings, about grief and loss, about friendships and how they change over time.  

At the same time, it's also a fast and often very funny read.  I'd go from literally laughing out loud (dh will confirm!  lol)  to reaching for tissues a few pages later.  I don't know anything about Alison Espach and her life -- but she gets us.    

(As often happens...!)  I struggled a bit with how to rate this one. There was something a bit Hallmark-movie-ish about it (and I wouldn't be surprised to see an eventual movie adaptation). And there were a few plot twists that I really should have seen coming (maybe?) -- but I liked that I didn't, lol.  

But overall, I loved it. :)  I loved having such a great CNBC heroine at the centre of the story, I loved the fantasy/wish fulfillment  elements (the lavish wedding in a spectacular setting, etc. -- and really, who hasn't secretly dreamed of just chucking everything and running off to a luxury hotel?)(albeit hopefully not with suicidal intentions...!). And I loved that the ending retained just a bit of ambiguity as to what will happen next. 

5 stars was very tempting. I settled on 4.5 stars on StoryGraph, rounded down to 4 on Goodreads.  

I'll be recommending this one for our Childless Collective Nomo Book Club.  

This was Book #7 read to date in 2025 (and Book #4 finished in February), bringing me to 16% of my 2025 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) on track to meet my goal.  :)  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2025 tagged as "2025 books." 

Stepping outside of my comfort zone (again!)

I've sometimes written here (and elsewhere) about the unique place those of us who are childless after pregnancy loss occupy in the adoption/loss/infertility/childless not by choice community(s):  "a foot in both camps," so to speak (and, as a fellow childless/loss mom recently added, "sometimes neither." Touchez.). 

Back before Christmas, I suggested to Berenice, one of the co-hosts of the Full Stop podcast, that this might be a topic they could explore. I also added that they did not necessarily have to interview ME!  They ignored that caveat (lol), and an invitation from co-host Sarah to appear on the podcast to discuss this subject popped into my email inbox -- on my birthday, no less!   

I accepted.  

It's an odd truth that while those of us in this situation are silenced by parents (even sometimes those who have also experienced loss while building their families) and the people around us generally, who shrink away from our stories (and the very idea that not everyone who wants a baby will wind up without one, even after being pregnant -- sometimes multiple times), our stories are also often met with silence by childless people too.  Many childless people never had the opportunity to try for a pregnancy (medical issues, lack of a partner -- or a willing partner, etc.) -- or were unable to conceive at all.  

Admittedly, that silence is sometimes (often?) self-imposed. Many CNBCers find it painful to deal with pregnancy and pregnant women -- perhaps even more so when pregnancy/loss is not part of their own personal stories. We all know what it's like to be childless and to have to listen to other women's pregnancy stories. They're hard to listen to -- and THOSE are the stories that usually have a happy ending!

Ours don't.   

I used to tell my loss story -- the Reader's Digest Condensed Version, anyway -- at least twice a month in my role as a pregnancy loss support group facilitator -- but we stepped down from facilitating 15 (!) years ago now -- so let's just say it's been a while since I spoke those words aloud! I was a little out of practice  ;) -- and nervous! (I found myself tensing up and shaking as I spoke -- and again later when I watched the video replay!) -- but nevertheless decided it was worth the stress and the risk to shine some light on this dark corner of the CNBC community. 

Ironically/Sadly, Berenice experienced a wifi outage the morning we were recording the podcast (!), a few weekends ago, and was unable to participate (although she did send in a question she wanted to ask us). But I had a lovely, emotional conversation with co-hosts Sarah and Michael, as well as Sandra McNicol, a grief therapist & coach at Childless Life.  All of us had experienced at least one loss at some stage of pregnancy.   

(Of course I thought of a gazillion things I *should* have mentioned, after we'd all logged off...!  Perhaps another time??) 

The episode (#71) is now available for listening on most podcast platforms, or on the Full Stop website. If you listen, please let me/us know what you think!    

(Note: You'll notice that the hosts were kind enough to respect my wish to remain (semi) anonymous, and have only used the name "Lori" on the podcast and related social media posts. Most of the people around me in "real life" (still) don't know about this blog or the extent of my activities within the ALI/CNBC communities -- and I'd like to keep it that way, if possible (or for as long as possible, anyway!). If you do know me personally, I'd appreciate it if you didn't tag me in any social media posts about the podcast. Thanks!)  

*** *** *** 

This was not my first podcast/webinar appearance:  

Back in September, as part of World Childless Week, Michael and I chatted together for a webinar about childlessness and genealogy -- "What Can We Learn From Our Family History?" (which I wrote about here and here and here -- link to the recording of that webinar are included in the comments on both posts). I described that then as "a big step outside my comfort zone." This was certainly another one!  

Back in July 2018, I was part of a discussion organized by Jody Day about “IVF at 40,” featuring seven fabulous childless-not-by-choice bloggers. The video was shared on all of our platforms, including my blog here. It’s also available on Vimeo. 

I also appeared on The Bitter Infertiles podcast (episode 20) way back in 2013 (!!) with Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos, and wrote about that experience here.