Odds & ends

• The Childless Collective Summit -- a rare opportunity for CNBCers to gather en masse -- was held in Charleston, South Carolina last weekend. I had #summitenvy as I scanned my social media feeds, looking for photos!  
• I was also a little envious when I heard that Australia's Senate is holding an inquiry into menopause and perimenopause. (We in North America really need to get with the program!!)  Sarah Roberts at The Empty Cradle has made a submission that expresses some of the unique concerns of aging childless women (adapted from a previous submission she and Judy Graham made to the Queensland Women's Strategy). Her submission is #121 at this link.  
• The Full Stop podcast is celebrating 5 years of monthly episodes on May 19th! Their May episode is being recorded THIS Sunday, April 21st!  
• Listeners are being invited to ask a question, or share a message via Speakpipe, to be answered by the hosts. Here's a link!  
• There will be a competition with prizes, too!  
• Jess was a guest on the Adoption Unfiltered podcast, talking with hosts Lori (adoptive parent), Sara (adoptee) & Kelsey (birth mom) about pronatalism, and her decision NOT to adopt and to remain childless. (She wrote about it here.)  The podcast is available on the Adoption Unfiltered website, YouTube and various podcast platforms. It's an amazing, in-depth and much-needed conversation, and well worth a watch/listen!  
• Mel recently flagged this lovely article from Oregon Humanities: "Fertile Ground:  Reflections on grief and gardening." 
• This is a great article from Next Avenue (a couple of years old) about "The Long-Term Realities of Being Childless."  
• Medium articles are sometime paywalled (boo, hiss), but if you can access "The Childless Woman Who Soared:  A modern fable and love story to a woman long demonised" by Nadia Huq, it's so lovely, and well worth a read!  Excerpt:  

...a child is not actually a goal, when you think about it.

A child is a map...

But for women without children there is no map.

And instead of a well-trodden highway, there are fields and forests and lakes and seas.

So what does she do?

Perhaps if she has chosen this life with a free and easy heart, she bounds into the landscape, excited by this unconquered territory.

But if not, perhaps she sits down and she cries. How will I ever find my way? She wonders. She has no tools. No handbook. Precious little confidence. She feels wholly unequipped for this life.

She feels sad, and no wonder, for all she has ever heard of this life is its’ many heartaches and regrets. For a time, she simply sits and cries.

But she has courage, and eventually, she rises....

• I'm not sure if this is behind a paywall either, but Alison Motluk's post on her Substack "Hey Reprotech" is also worth a read and share (especially if you know someone who is thinking about freezing their eggs):  "Questions no one asked at the egg freezing webinar." (She recently sat in on a webinar about egg freezing, and she was struck "by how few questions were asked, and how so many seemed vague and unclear. I was also struck by how incomprehensible some of the answers were.")(Are we surprised?)  
• I was struck by a passage in a recent opinion piece by Shree Paradkar in the Toronto Star, about abortion rights and the recently resurrected law from 1864 (!) in Arizona. (Apologies if it's behind a paywall;  there wasn't a gift link.)  This passage in particular rang SO true to me:  

Mainstream pregnancy stories are often about grinning mommies and gurgling babies, often in heterosexual relationships, living in relative luxury, with a shopping component thrown in — what to get for the baby? Heavens forbid we ignore the capital to be squeezed out of every life experience.

If there is a deviation from such narrow representation, it is to express sadness and grief — about a woman’s inability to become pregnant or an inability to carry a fetus to term. Don’t get me wrong. Having babies can be a wonderful experience, and not having one can leave one with profound sense loss. But the archaic, gendered expectation of giving birth is so seeped in the pores of our society that women often internalize feelings of inadequacy even when the issue is outside their control. Someone not wanting to be pregnant is too outside the realm of this blinkered view.

• I read some great pieces about the recent eclipse. I loved how Lyz Lenz ended hers, in her Men Yell At Me Substack, "Chasing the dark."  Excerpt:  

This lasts for three minutes. Three beautiful moments. Time passes. The moon moves. The sun flashes. And then it’s over. We have to pack. We have to go so we can get home before too late. Because there is school tomorrow. And I have to work.

As we walk back to the car, my daughter says she can’t believe things have to go back to how they were. “This should have changed everything,” she says.

I know what she means. I’ve felt this before in moments of grief. The way your world changes with loss, but the stock market doesn’t stop, school buses still arrive. The world ended, but it didn’t. I wonder about all the small world-endings. All the apocalypses we see and walk by. How grief and miracles are the same. A brief rip into the light. We peer into it and then we are expected to return to the same. Together we’ve seen the light change. We’ve seen the sun disappear.  I know they’ll remember this one. Together we will remember the tear in space, how it felt so vast, how we held hands through every minute of it as it passed. 

I think about the last eclipse and I tell her I think everything is different. We just don’t know the shape of it yet.

#MicroblogMondays: Odds & ends

(I don't particularly like combining an "odds & ends" post with #MicroblogMondays, but it's what I have today so... here it is!)  

• I don't remember exactly where I found Ryan Rose Weaver on Substack, but I think it was in a response to another Substacker's post where she mentioned her pregnancy loss.  This interview she did with Jess Van Wyen, who has chosen to remain childless/free after loss -- not a miscarriage or stillbirth but a termination for medical reasons (TFMR -- in plain language, an abortion) -- and has since become an advocate for reproductive rights -- is truly inspiring and says so many of the things many of us as childless women are thinking, feeling and wishing we could tell other people about our lives.  **Content warning: Given the sensitive topic, this may or may not be a good fit for you as a reader. Also, pregnancy & baby loss photos are included.** 
• Lyz Lenz at "Men Yell at Me" has a new book coming out soon about divorce, "This American Ex-Wife." (She also has a new podcast by the same name.) In a recent discussion thread,  she asked her subscribers (which includes me) to weigh in on "the moment when you knew it was time to quit."  
• Said Lyz:  "I want to expand this beyond marriages. I want to know the moment when you knew it was time to quit — your job, your relationship, your friendships. Let’s talk about our moments of breaking." 
• I posted about the moment when I knew it was time to quit infertility treatments and accept a permanently childless life (which I've written about on this blog). Another woman posted something similar not long after I did, too.  :)  
• So far, my comment has received 37 (!) "likes" as well as a couple of replies.   
• I'm a big fan of my fellow Manitoban Dr. Jen Gunter :)  and I am looking forward to picking up a copy of her latest book, "Blood" (about menstruation), which was released this past week. Here's a great review from The Guardian. 
• Totally non-ALI-related, but I thought it was worthwhile passing along:  I'm a (non-paid) subscriber to Chris Cilizza's Substack, "So What?"  Chris writes primarily about U.S. politics, which is what he did when he was at CNN and (before that) the Washington Post. But he's also written a lot about the experience of losing his job at CNN -- including this piece here.  
• Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.  I can relate, and I know I would have appreciated his words back then. 
• (In July, it will be TEN YEARS since I got my own marching papers!! Can you believe it?? Yikes!!)  
• All of my job loss-related posts are tagged "job loss,"  here. 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

Easter weekend odds & ends

• The deluge of ads and marketing emails has begun. (eyeroll)  Voldemort Day (That Day That Shall Not Be Mentioned) is still more than a month away... And we haven't even gotten past Easter yet...! 
• In my inbox on Tuesday:  "For Baby and Mom: Matching Sweaters." (Banana Republic) 
• Wednesday: "Celebrate Mom --  Your Original Influencer" (Indigo/Chapters) and "Every Mom is Unique" (The Bay) 
• Yes, it's the Easter long weekend. Dh & I have sometimes been left to our own devices on this holiday, but we're going to BIL & SIL's for Good Friday dinner tonight (fish), along with the nephews, their wives and the kids (Little Great-Nephew and Little Great-Niece). Chocolate has been purchased for Easter baskets for the little ones :) (well, for Little Great-Nephew, anyway...! -- along with other goodies).  And we've bought a ham and the ingredients to make scalloped potatos like my mom's for our own Easter Sunday dinner (as well as an apple pie for dessert). In between, on Saturday, we're getting much-needed haircuts, bringing some springtime/Easter decorations to the cemetery for Katie's niche, and dropping by dh's aunt's condo. She's promised dh some traditional Italian Easter baked goodies like his mom used to make. :)  
• A long but excellent article from The New Yorker:  "Living in adoption's aftermath:  Adoptees reckon with corruption in orphanages, hidden birth certificates, and the urge to search for their birth parents." Paywalls may kick in, but I was able to read this for free. 
• I haven't had a hysterectomy, but there's a lot in this essay from the New Yorker that I could relate to. If fibroids, heavy periods and/or hysterectomy have been part of your story, you'll probably relate to. (The writer is childfree by choice, but nevertheless struggled with the loss of her uterus.)  
• The setting is Australia, and the subject of the story is childfree vs childless, but there's still a lot of good, relevant stuff in this article about people without children forming their own social groups. 
• Also from Australia: Donna Ward (whose book "She I Dare Not Name" is a wonderful read -- I reviewed it here) is speaking out about the social and financial disadvantages that older, single, childless women experience -- and research backs her up. 
• From Chatelaine (Canadian women's magazine): "I Made The Difficult Choice Not To Have Children Because Of My Mental Illness."  Subhead: "We considered children, but are still only a family of two. We’ve decided that’s a good thing. But sometimes I wonder if that’s enough. If I’m enough." 
• Sara Petersen, who writes about "momfluencer" culture in the Substack newsletter "In Pursuit of Clean Countertops," examines the connections between puppies, post-partum depression and literary theory -- also some thoughts on Big Life Moments and how expectation doesn't always measure up to reality. Sample passage (boldfaced emphasis is the author's):  

Girls and women are taught to prioritize and mold their lives around Big Life Moments from the jump. First Crush. First Period. First Heartbreak. First Sex. First Love. First Job. Marriage. Motherhood. Menopause. It makes sense to me that a person conditioned to make meaning from their lives by working towards Big Life Moments would also be uniquely prone to feeling hollow, disappointed, or even depressed when asked to experience those Big Life Moments in real time. Conversely, it’s difficult for me to even conceptualize a life that isn’t organized into a series of disparate milestones or chapters.

Odds & ends for the weekend

• FIVE WEEKS to the day after my colonoscopy, the doctor's office FINALLY called me with the pathology results for the three polyps that were removed. All negative/clear, thankfully. The doctor will call me for a follow-up phone consultation -- in September (?!! -- I blame covid for the lengthy timelines...) and I will return for my next colonoscopy in five years (not 10), which I understand is the standard protocol when they've found polyps (even if they're benign). (Hopefully by then they'll have invented a better prep drink...??)
• If you're looking for something nice to do for yourself on what can be a very difficult day for most of us in this community, Sarah at Afterward Honesty is offering a free yoga class for CNBC women on the afternoon of Sunday, May 8th (You-Know-What Day). 
• I was one of several CNBC bloggers who test-drove the class with Sarah recently. It's been quite a while since I hit the mat (and I've gotten decidedly more creaky since then -- erk!!)  -- and I've never tried doing a yoga class on Zoom before -- but Sarah was a great and accommodating teacher, and it was lovely to be in the same (virtual) space with some old friends and put together others' names & faces. :)   
• Katy, the Pleasure Anarchist (who is mostly on Instagram), shared how she made peace with a CNBC life in a great article on the Today Show website. 
• Sample passage: "I think a lot of people get really caught up on the on the idea of like, “Well, if I’m not a mother, then I’ve got to be extra cool and travel the world and have all these incredible experiences.” Don’t put that pressure on yourself. I’m just living a normal life! It’s OK to stop your fertility journey and just continue living, and that’s something I really want to stress. You don’t have to do anything spectacular. You can just drink a beer and lay in your hammock."
• Jill Filipovic interviewed Laura Carroll for her Substack newsletter about Carroll's recently released longitudinal study of childfree women, "25 Over 10" (which is in my to-read pile).  The study followed 25 childfree women over 10 years to see whether they changed their minds about having children (as many around them predicted they would). There's still some interesting and relevant content for those of us who didn't choose this life.
• Carroll is also the author of (among other things) "The Baby Matrix," the definitive manifesto about pronatalism and a must-read for childless and childfree people -- and parents, too!  
• Carroll talked about the book and about how childless and childfree people need to unite to build a shared movement for change on the New Legacy Radio podcast in March. 
• "America lost its way on menopause research. It’s time to get back on track." said The Washington Post in an opinion piece this week. (Hopefully not paywalled?)  
• I was blown away by these stats quoted: "More than 1 billion people worldwide will be in menopause by 2025. Today, there are 55 million in the United States alone, nearly 75 percent of whom report not receiving support or treatment for its effects." 
• And: "While one third of American women are at any time in some stage of menopause, most doctors don’t even know how to talk about it, let alone treat it. According to the Mayo Clinic, only 20 percent of postgraduate residents reported their programs had a formal menopause curriculum, and fewer than 1 in 10 residents in family medicine, internal medicine and gynecology told the clinic they felt “adequately prepared” to manage the care of patients in the various stages of menopause." 
• "As a new generation enters menopause, we are demanding change." It's about time...!  (The Brits, as usual, are miles ahead of North America on this front.)  
• Also in the Washington Post: "Google is letting you limit ads about pregnancy and weight loss" (and other sensitive topics). (Subhead: "When you’re fed up or grieving, targeted ads about sensitive topics can be hard to shake.") There may still be some ads that slip through:  "That’s why the company says the controls help you see “fewer” ads you don’t want to see, rather than “none.” " 
• To opt out of ad categories, go to myaccount.google.com. Select “Data & Privacy” from the menu on the left, then go to “Ad settings” and look for “Sensitive ad categories.” (Worth a try...!) 

This week's odds & ends

• We spent part of one morning this past week with SIL & Little Great-Nephew -- maskless, but mostly outside. LGN (who turned 18 months old earlier this week) played in his paddling pool on the deck & displayed his artistic skills by drawing all over the deck boards with chalk (lol), and we took him (and the dog) out for a walk. SIL can't handle both dog & toddler at the same time on a walk, so the dog often gets left at home these days.  SIL put on his collar and leash, and I took it as we headed outside. He was clearly happy to be out, and I'm not sure who got the better workout, him or me, lol.  When we first headed out, he'd stop to sniff at every tree & fire hydrant (lol) -- but when we turned around to go back home again, he took off like a shot (leaving dh, SIL & LGN in the dust) and probably would have run all the way back, if I'd let him!   
• LGN held dh's hand for the entire walk, and asked to be picked up three times, which MADE DH's DAY.  LGN seems to be losing some of his shyness around us, now that he's seen us a little more often lately without our masks. :)   
• COVID-19 update: The provincial government announced a new plan to reopen the province in stages over the next three (summer) months -- but only if certain targets/metrics are met within certain time frames, including vaccination rates. (Hey, after a full year plus, I think they're finally getting it...!!) The current stay-at-home order remains in effect until (at least) June 2nd, but some outdoor activities will reopen this weekend (our Victoria Day May long weekend). Outdoor dining, some non-essential retail, etc., is expected to open back up around June 14th.  No haircuts expected until mid-July though. (Sigh.) 
• Our new daily case numbers have been dropping, and even went below the 2,000 mark a couple of times this week, which is good news. (1,890 today.)  
• My home province of Manitoba, however, is not doing so well. :(  There were 603 new cases there yesterday, fuelled by the new, more contagious variants (mostly in the city, but still...). That would be equivalent of 6,452 new cases here in Ontario. For reference, our highest-ever one-day new case rate was 4,812 on April 16th.  Yikes!! :(  
• The good news is the percentage of Canadians who have received their first vaccinations continues to climb -- and was scheduled to surpass the percentage of Americans with first doses this week. (The U.S. is still further ahead of us on second shots.)  Who would have thought this back in early March?? 
• Sarah at Infertility Honesty has some brilliant observations (as usual) in a post titled "Parenthood and Grandparenthood in the Pandemic: Reflections on what’s missing from a year of headlines."  Definitely worth a read! 
• I am generally a big fan of Dr. Jen Gunter -- and not just because she's from my home province of Manitoba, lol.  I loved her book "The Vagina Bible" (reviewed here) and I've been eagerly awaiting publication of her new book "The Menopause Manifesto." The subtitle is "Own Your Health with Facts and Feminism" -- what's not to like, right? ;)  However -- a childless friend flagged an excerpt from that book published in The Globe & Mail this past weekend that she found troubling (bold-faced emphasis mine):  

When most people think of evolution and survival of the fittest, they only consider the individual and their offspring. This can’t apply to menopause, as menopausal women don’t reproduce, so they’re no longer passing their genetics directly to the next generation. But after menopause, women can still protect their genetic legacy by contributing to the survival of their grandchildren.

The evolutionary advantage of menopause is grandmothers. It’s known as the grandmother hypothesis, and there is plenty of science to back it up...

After delivery there is the toll of raising a child until it can care for itself...  Who can help with these resource-heavy tasks? A grandmother. But she can only be gathering food and water, sourcing shelter and providing child care if she isn’t burdened with those tasks herself. The most helpful grandmother hasn’t recently finished with her reproduction; she’s enough years from childbearing that she can leave her own offspring unattended.

Ovarian function slows in the mid- to late-40s and then has a hard stop around 50, but not because women are weak or that the ovaries fail. Rather, this slowing and stopping of fertility while there are still many productive years left is a planned biological event that allowed ancestral grandmothers to contribute to their family unit and improve survival.

You can probably guess why my friend (& I) took issue with this passage. What about those of us who are not & never will be grandmothers?  Women without children (let alone grandchildren) are not included in this interpretation of menopause at all.(Or any other discussions of menopause that we've encountered, for that matter.) I realize this is just an excerpt -- but will there be any content in this book that acknowledges us and our specific circumstances and concerns as we enter menopause? (Yes, even if we don't have grandchildren, we can still "contribute to the survival" of the next generation... but there's a bit of a quid pro quo that's not mentioned here, i.e., the assumption that families will, in turn, care for grandmothers later in their lives. Will that same level of care be extended to us, if we're not leaving a "genetic legacy" behind?  -- sadly, I think we know the answer to that one...). 

• **SPOILERS AHEAD!!**  I'm still watching "The Handmaid's Tale," -- although the question of "how many times will June ALMOST escape Gilead?" was starting to wear a little thin. And then, this past week, at the very end of episode 6 -- she did!!  It was a highly improbably scenario, but she finally set foot on Canadian soil & reunited with Luke. I had to bring out the kleenex twice:  in the flashback scene where she told Luke she was pregnant, and then when she finally faced Luke again. So I could relate to these lines in the Vulture review of the episode. And then I realized I could relate in more ways than one... (boldfaced emphasis mine):  

...she’ll have to explain to Luke why she failed at that which we expect of all mothers: to put her child first, to die for her child, to take on superhuman capabilities.

The flashbacks with Moira were sweet touches, reminders of their fierce love and complicated friendship. But it was the scene in which June tells Luke she’s pregnant that hit me like a brick. Her rush to tell him the news, even at the expense of her “plan,” just rang true. And it restored June as a wounded being, not an unstoppable force able to take on anything to keep her child alive and well in her arms. The Indestructible Mother is a dangerous trope that insists women can and should absorb any blow for their babies. Giving birth or adopting or sheltering a child doesn’t bestow some cloak of immortality on parents. June smashed through every barrier for far too long — it’s far more gripping when she finally comes up against one she can’t surmount. And at its heart, this is what The Handmaid’s Tale can be: the story of a mother’s imperfect but buoyant love.

So when Luke bangs through that door and sees his wife for the first time in years, it makes sense that her first words are an apology. “I’m sorry I don’t have her … I’m sorry it’s just me.”

I know it's a stretch, but I could relate to this passage as a childless woman. After all, doesn't "that which we expect of all mothers" seem to include what we're expected to do to have a child in the first place, if we "really" want one?  Isn't it expected that (if we REALLY wanted a child), we'd do "whatever it takes" to get one -- multiple rounds of IVF, donor gametes, surrogates, adoption;  endure multiple miscarriages and other pregnancy losses, take on staggering amounts of debt, put our physical and mental health at risk?  Doesn't "the dangerous trope that insists that women can and should absorb any blow for their babies" -- include the babies that only exist in our dreams? Or the ones that did exist in our wombs, but we weren't able to save, even with the help of the best medical support available? 

Until "she finally comes up against one she can’t surmount." And she has to leave her baby behind. And face the world on her own, without the child she's wanted and expected to have all her life.  

Sometimes, there are some things that just can't be fixed... some endings that will not be happy/of the fairytale variety. (And yes, that sucks.)

"I'm sorry... it's just me."   

State of the uterus: All is well (part 2) :)

Well, I got the results of my recent hysteroscopy/d&c via the hospital app this afternoon. And all is well!  It's all written in medical terminology, of course -- but everything said, "benign, benign, negative." YAY. 

Needless to say I am VERY relieved! I saw this notification pop up and I thought, "Oh sure, it's bad news, and I can't call the doctor until Monday!" Seriously -- it's nice to have all this technology and of course we are entitled to our medical information -- but it's not written in any way that you can understand easily without a medical degree, and why would they send this to you BEFORE you've had a chance to discuss it with the doctor and have him/her explain it all to you??  What if the news had NOT been good? Would they still have sent it on the app, or would the dr have called me himself? 

Oh well. Rant over. I do have a phone appointment to discuss the results with the doctor -- on Dec. 23rd, just before Christmas (of course...!). I was told he would not call earlier than that unless the results were not normal.

Anyway, it's a relief not to have this hanging over my head any longer than necessary. Thank you all for putting up with my rambling posts while I've dealt with this. :)  

Right now

Right now... (an occasional (mostly monthly) meme, alternating from time to time with "The Current"). (Explanation of how this started & my inspirations in my first "Right now" post, here. Also my first "The Current" post, here.)

November was Full Month #8 (going on 9) of life in the age of COVID-19, with new cases rising at an alarming/record rate. :(  On top of dh's usual weekly trips to the supermarket for groceries and for takeout dinners on Saturday nights, we ventured out together (masks firmly in place) three times to the bookstore, once to the drugstore, and once to a children's wear store (to shop for a birthday present for Great-Nephew). We celebrated little Great-Nephew's first birthday with his parents (Older Nephew & his wife), grandparents (BIL & SIL), uncle & aunt (Younger Nephew & his wife) -- masks on.  

Late in the month (last week), I went to a local hospital for a COVID-19 test and bloodwork, and then returned two days later for a hysteroscopy and d&c. (Still waiting on the pathology results.) 

Otherwise, we've continued to stay close to home.

*** *** ***

Reading: I read 2 books in November (reviewed on this blog & tagged “2020 books”):

• "Amberwell" by D.E. Stevenson (a re-read with my DES online group).
• "Do You Feel Like I Do?"  by Peter Frampton.

So far this year, I've read 39 books, bringing me to 130% of my 2020 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 30 books. I have completed & now exceeded my challenge goal for the year by 9 books, and am (for the moment, anyway...!) 13 (!) books ahead of schedule. :)  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2020 tagged as "2020 books." 

Current read(s):   

• "Hoax" by Brian Stelter (didn't touch this one all month...!).  
• "The Blue Castle" by L.M. Montgomery (read & reviewed on my own in August, now reading along & discussing with my L.M. Montgomery Readathon group on Facebook over the next few weeks/months)(and enjoying it hugely!).  
• "The Midnight Library" by Matt Haig. (This was the November pick for the Gateway Women book club -- which will be revealing its December book shortly... eeekkkk.... I haven't gotten very far into it yet...) 

• "The Young Clementina" by D.E. Stevenson (my DES online group just started this one). 

A few recently purchased titles (in both digital and paper formats):   

• "A Promised Land" by Barack Obama 
• "No Time Like the Future" by Michael J. Fox 
• "The Vanishing Half" by Britt Bennett 
• "Hidden Valley Road" by Robert Kolker 
• "The Answer Is..." by Alex Trebek 
• "Exciting Times" by Naoise Dolan (as recommeded by Mel ;)  ) 

Watching: We're now in the final season of "Downton Abbey," which we started watching together earlier this fall, every weekday afternoon on CBC TV (mentioned here). Not sure if they'll start at the beginning all over again when it's done, or replace it with something else? 

The last few episodes of  "Jann" aired earlier in November.  "Battle of the Blades"  also ended recently, after a six-week run. I would have been happy with almost any of the couples (figure skaters paired with hockey players, both female & male) to win -- they were all really, really great this year. The eventual champions were Olympic pairs medallist (and mom of a preemie baby girl, now one year old) Meagan Duhamel & hockey player Wojtek Wolski. The couples compete to raise funds for their favourite charities, and Meagan's winnings are going to support the Sandra Schmirler Foundation. Sandra Schmirler was a beloved Canadian curler who led Canada to a gold medal in the first-ever women's Olympic curling championship in 1998. She died in 2000 at age 36 from cancer, leaving a husband and two young daughters.  Her foundation's mission is to raise funds for hospital NICUs (neonatal intensive care units) and provide scholarships to junior curlers. 

Listening:  I haven't started listening to Christmas music yet, but will probably put on a few of my favourite CDs in the coming days, especially once we start decorating! 

Following:  The COVID-19 case numbers intently (as I have almost since the beginning of the pandemic), with an added focus now on my home province of Manitoba, where case rates have gone up dramatically since the summer. :(  There's a blank space in my Filofax calendar (week on two pages), and every Monday, I write down the numbers of total cases & deaths for the world, U.S., Canada, Ontario, Manitoba, Toronto and the region outside Toronto where we live. Comparing the numbers week to week (& over time) is sobering. 

Eating/Drinking:  Takeout dinners this month have included some of our favourites:  rotisserie chicken, Chinese food, wood oven pizza, and pasta with rapini, olive oil & garlic. Yum! 

Buying (besides books, lol):  Birthday presents (a couple of outfits, and some cash) for Great-Nephew. I took advantage of the Cyber Monday sales to buy some Christmas books & outfits for him too -- as well as some essential oils products that I've been running low on (since I won't be going to the store at the mall anytime soon). And some festive holiday season masks from Old Navy for dh & me (also on sale!).  ;) 

Wearing: I broke my usual rule about wearing yoga pants outside the house for my trip to the hospital.  ;)  Comfort rules (especially in situations like that)!  

Waiting: For the results from my hysteroscopy/d&c. The gynecologist will call me with the results... just before Christmas (of course...!). Praying that they will be good...!! 

Trying:  Not to worry too much. 

Also trying to think of some ways to make our COVID Christmas at home/away from my family fun & special, even if it's not the Christmas we had hoped for.  I'm still feeling too tired/crampy from my procedure to do too much yet, and that's kind of frustrating. :(  

Wanting: To do some Christmas baking -- some of the cookies & goodies my mom always made/makes at this time of year, and some recipes I've discovered and made on my own in the past. I'll probably share anything I do make with BIL, SIL & the nephews (I've gained enough weight lately as it is...!).  I have my recipe cards all set out, and I have the ingredients on hand to make at least some of them... 

Loving: My wonderful dh, who always takes such good care of me. <3 So, so grateful for him! 

Feeling:  Relieved to have the surgery behind me. A little apprehensive as I wait for the pathology results (so close to Christmas!).  Thankful for the welcome distraction of Little Great-Nephew's cuteness, in the photos & videos his parents post on social media. :)  Enormously sad that I won't be going home for Christmas for the first time in my life (and won't be able to spend much if any time with dh's family as consolation either!), because of the pandemic. 

And yet, still happy that it's Christmastime -- my favourite holiday season :) and a reason for some fun & joy, especially amid the gloom of a COVID-19 winter. 

#MicroblogMondays: Odds & ends

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  State of the uterus: okay, but I guess I shouldn't have expected to feel completely back to normal overnight...!  I had a LOUSY night's sleep Saturday/Sunday, so I was very tired and out of sorts all day yesterday. (Plus -- TMI warning -- constipated.  I was told that might happen...!)  Better on that end of things this morning ;) but now I'm spotting a little more. But I don't think it's anything out of the ordinary. Had a somewhat better sleep last night but I'm still feeling tired. Baby steps...! 
• I thought this piece in the Guardian -- from the perspective of an unpartnered childless woman in her 40s -- was really well done. 
• The fallout continues from Lena Dunham's piece in Harper's magazine (which I wrote about here and here).   
• "Live Childfree with Erik & Melissa" has a new podcast episode discussing the infertility community's harsh reaction to Dunham's article.  
• The "Infertile AF" podcast weighed in on the same subject, but from a very different perspective...!  (The hosts did eventually agree that the childless-not-by-choice segment of the infertility community deserves more support and understanding.)   
• By now you've probably heard that the Duchess of Sussex (aka Meghan Markle) had a miscarriage last summer, and wrote about it for the New York Times. It's not just about her miscarriage -- although that's been the focus of the headlines & news coverage -- but a plea for kindness and consideration for each other at the end of this very tough year. 
• Jody Day of Gateway Women was asked to comment on a related story in The Guardian. Of course they cut off the part of her quote where she mentioned that not all women who miscarry go on to become mothers, and how this is missing from the growing miscarriage narrative. (Eyeroll.)  But they did conclude the article with her saying, “This is precisely how taboos are broken – when people choose to speak out despite knowing they will be criticised, attacked and shamed for doing it.”
• On social media, Jody shared a wonderful guest blog she wrote a few years ago for Tommy's charity in the U.K. about childlessness after miscarriage (& other pregnancy losses). 
• Also this week, the other Royal Duchess (of Cambridge, the former Kate Middleton) delivered a major speech on a pet cause of hers:  the importance of the early years of childhood... with a surprising (and very welcome!) nod to the role non-parents play in children's development.  Quote (emphasis mine):  

People often asked why I care so passionately about the early years. Many mistakenly believe that my interest stems from having children of my own. And while of course I care hugely about their start in life, this ultimately sells the issue short.

Parenthood isn’t a prerequisite for understanding the importance of Early years. If we only expect people to take an interest in the early years when they have children, we aren’t only too late for them, we are underestimating the huge role others can play in shaping our most formative years too.

• This article, about creative therapy and sharing after the loss of a child, was shared by a friend on Facebook. The author's daughter was stillborn 22 years ago. Needless to say, all I could think was, "This could be me..." 
• Another friend flagged this story on Facebook:  an arbitrator upheld the reprimand filed against a British Columbia teaching assistant, who told her co-worker -- who is Black, born in Ghana -- "at least I am from here." And (as if the racism wasn't bad enough) she was also reported to have said, "I don't have to respect you. I am a mother and a taxpayer." (Note: the Black woman is also a mother. And a taxpayer.) Does she think that being a (non-Black) mother gives her some sort of edge of superiority?? Or means she doesn't have to show respect for her coworker??  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  

State of the uterus: All is well :)

(So far, anyway.) Obviously we still have to get the pathology reports, but the dr called dh (while I was still doped up) & told him everything looked normal; he did a Pap, took some tissue samples & removed a few polyps. I have to call his office on Monday to arrange for a follow-up in 3-4 weeks. (Just before Christmas. Ho ho ho...) 

It was a LONG day. My appointment was for 10:30; I was supposed to be there for 8:30. It takes half an hour to get there but we wanted to be safe & so we got up around 5:30 and left an hour ahead at 7:30.  I was told to check in at emergency. They wouldn't let dh come in with me (even though he was my designated driver and post-op caregiver), so we said goodbye there. He stayed in the car in the parking lot the ENTIRE TIME, poor guy. He had his phone & e-reader to keep him company. He would NOT go home or even to get a coffee (because then he'd have to use a public washroom...!). 

They gave me a fresh mask & directed me to patient registration, and from there to the day surgery waiting area. (I think I must have answered the COVID screening questionnaire at least half a dozen times as I moved from checkpoint to checkpoint.)  It was all very efficient, and everywhere I went, the staff were just wonderfully nice. I kept thinking it must be so stressful working there right now with COVID hanging over them all, but everyone was just lovely. Bless them all! 

I was met at the door to the day surgery waiting area by a volunteer, who took me to the change area, gave me my gowns & shower cap for my hair & plastic bag slippers (I was allowed to keep my socks on, lol), gave me plastic bags for my shoes & my clothes, and a locker to store them in. She told me I could keep my phone until they came to get me, and then I'd have to lock that up too, along with my glasses. She took me over to a waiting area where they had comfy chairs in front of a TV screen (tuned to the local 24 hours news channel) and gave me a heated blanket to cover up with. I texted back & forth with dh, read my phone, browsed the Black Friday sales (lol). (I even bought a couple of books for my Kobo e-reader via my phone.) 

My surgery was scheduled for 10:30 but I didn't get called until 11:15 & wasn't in the surgery room until 11:30. Hopped up on the table myself. They put a blood pressure cuff on one arm & then tried to insert an IV on my left hand. The anesthesiologist tied a really tight tourniquet on my upper left arm, & then the nurse was squeezing my lower arm & hand to try to get a vein to pop out. OW OW OW. They finally got it in. 

Then they tried to put an oxygen mask on me. I couldn't breathe & started getting a bit teary/panicky, so they just held it right above my nose & mouth (but not ON it) so I could still breathe air from outside, until the IV drugs started kicking in & knocked me out (and then they intubated me for the procedure -- he said I might have a bit of a sore throat afterwards, but it's barely noticeable). The oxygen mask brought back memories of being a little girl in the hospital, having tests & stuff done for my childhood bladder/kidney condition. My mom was only allowed to be with me during regular visiting hours so I was all by myself with the nurses & drs  It was all pretty traumatic, and I had nightmares about hospitals for years & years afterwards. I'm generally much better these days about hospitals, but I guess something like that was a bit of a trigger. :(  

Next thing I knew I was in the recovery area and it was 1 o'clock. I was very groggy & whenever I tried to open my eyes & focus the room started going up & down. The nurse brought me some ice chips. Eventually, they moved me back into the day surgery waiting area (where I went when I first arrived). They gave me some ginger ale & a few packages of cookies. I didn't eat them then but they put them in the bag with my stuff & I ate them on the way home, lol. Eventually, they brought me the bag from the locker with my clothes & shoes and put my glasses & phone on the bedside tray. They changed my pad & helped me to get dressed, and gave me a list of dos & don'ts for the next few days -- but I was still feeling a bit groggy/woozy so they let me lay there for another 20-30 minutes & then finally called poor dh to come pick me up at the main door. Got me into a wheelchair & brought me out to the car. We got home around 3:30. 

I thought, "I'd better call my mom, she'll be worried." Would you believe she didn't remember??!  (eyeroll)  She hadn't written it down & forgot that this was the day. She said, "In fact, I was going to call & try to talk you into putting it off" (because of COVID). I said, "Too late!!"  I waited five weeks to get this done as it was, I was just glad to get it over with." SIL called later too to see how I was, and dh emailed my sister (I called her this afternoon). I went to bed around 7:30 (!).  Didn't sleep very well, especially at first, but at least I was resting. I was a little anxious at first because I was having some initial trouble peeing (sorry if TMI) but it got easier as the night went on. I'm feeling a lot better today -- hardly any bleeding and the cramping/discomfort hasn't been too bad at all.  

Thanks again for all your good wishes, and for listening to/reading my ramblings leading up to this!  I'm just so glad it's over! (Well, except for the results.)  I'm planning to take it easy for the rest of the weekend -- and then hopefully put up the Christmas tree early next week! :)

Right now

Right now... (an occasional (mostly monthly) meme, alternating from time to time with "The Current"). (Explanation of how this started & my inspirations in my first "Right now" post, here. Also my first "The Current" post, here.)

October was Full Month #7 (going on 8) of life in the age of COVID-19  (with each day getting darker and colder than the last...). On top of dh's usual weekly forays to the supermarket for groceries and for takeout dinners on Saturday nights, we ventured once to the supermarket together (to buy stuff for our Thanksgiving feast), once to the hair salon for trims, and three times to the bookstore. On the medical front, I ventured out for a pelvic ultrasound (which confirmed the presence of fibroids), a subsequent visit to the gynecologist (which resulted in an appointment for my upcoming hysteroscopy/d&c on Nov. 27th), and to our family doctor's office for flu shots. And we saw Little Great Nephew twice (both within the past week) -- once earlier in the week to visit, with just his mom & his grandpa (BIL) at home, and on Halloween (yesterday) to deliver a goodie bag to him. ;)  Otherwise, we've continued to stay close to home.

*** *** ***

Reading: I read 2 books in October (reviewed on this blog & tagged “2020 books”):

• "Rage" by Bob Woodward
• "Convenience Store Woman" by Sayaka Murata (October's Gateway Women book club pick) 

So far this year, I've read 37 books, bringing me to 123% of my 2020 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 30 books. I have completed & now exceeded my challenge goal for the year by 7 books, and am (for the moment, anyway...!) 13 (!) books ahead of schedule. :)  

Current read(s):   

• "Do You Feel Like I Do?"  by Peter Frampton (just started!)
• "Hoax" by Brian Stelter (haven't touched this one all month, as I plowed through "Rage"...!) 
• "Amberwell" by D.E. Stevenson (read on my own this summer, now reading along & discussing with my DES online group -- almost finished!)
• "The Blue Castle" by L.M. Montgomery (read & reviewed on my own in August, now reading along & discussing with my L.M. Montgomery Readathon group on Facebook over the next few weeks/months) 

Book club reads starting in November (still to be read): 

• "The Midnight Library" by Matt Haig (for the Gateway Women book club) 
• "The Young Clementina" by D.E. Stevenson (for my DES online group, later this month) 

A few recently purchased titles (in both digital and paper formats):   

• "Can't Even" by Anne Helen Petersen 
• "If I Knew Then" by Jann Arden 
• "Group" by Christie Tate 
• "One Day" by Gene Weingarten

Watching:  Besides "Jann" (which I mentioned last month -- and which was recently sold to Hulu in the U.S.) and "Downton Abbey" (mentioned here), "Battle of the Blades" recently returned for season 6!!  The launch was delayed by a couple of weeks because someone on the production staff tested positive for COVID. :(  There is no live audience or guest judges this year. But the contestants are more diverse than ever -- a great mix of both male and female hockey players and figure skaters, paired up to raise money for their favourite charities. (Is that Canadian, or what?)  (It's still early in the competition, and I don't have a favourite team... yet!) 

On a related note:  the Grand Prix figure skating circuit kicked off a few weekends ago with Skate America in Las Vegas. Because of COVID-19 and travel restrictions, almost all the competitors were American -- so it was essentially like watching a less polished version of the U.S. national championships -- without a live  audience, to boot (cardboard cutouts & canned applause) -- but hey, it was skating. I watched!  Skate Canada, scheduled for the Halloween long weekend, was cancelled, and so was the Internationaux de France in Grenoble in November. The final, which was to be in Beijing in December, has been "postponed." Guess we'll see what happens...! 

Listening: The classic rock station we listen to has been playing a lot of Van Halen ever since the untimely death of Eddie Van Halen earlier in October. :(  

Following:  @gocleanco, which I follow on Instagram, has a new Facebook group. It already has more than 68,000 followers (the Instagram account -- which I started following this past spring, around the 30,000 mark -- now has 1.3 MILLION!!).  Unfortunately, they almost immediately had to turn off posting for a while, because the onslaught of posts (and repeat questions) was impossible to keep up with! 

Eating/Drinking:  Our (Canadian) Thanksgiving dinner this month wasn't quite Mom's fabulous turkey, stuffing and gravy, but we still managed to produce a dinner that was somewhat special for the two of us :) and it will also provide us with a practice run/template to follow for Christmas.  

Takeout dinners this month have included pasta with rapini (which dh loves), wood oven pizzas (twice), chicken fingers & fries, and chicken madeira rigatoni. Yum! 

Buying (besides books, lol):  Not much!  

Wearing: Long yoga pants, long-sleeved T-shirts (and sometimes a cardigan too), socks and sometimes slippers, around the house... it's turned quite chilly the last little while! 

Trying:  Not to dwell too much on my gynecological/health issues (and not entirely succeeding), as I wait for my hysteroscopy and d&c on Nov. 27th... or on the fact that I won't be going home for Christmas this year, for the first time in my life... :(  

Thinking about: My high school girlfriend, who lost her 29-year-old daughter after a tragic car accident, one year ago today. :(  

Wanting:  A little more sunshine would be nice, especially since we just moved the clocks back an hour last night, plunging us into darkness an hour earlier (probably by around 5:30 p.m. tonight). :(   We've had a lot of very dark, dreary, grey days lately...! 

Loving: The beautiful fall colours (now past their peak). 

Feeling: Apprehensive -- about the skyrocketing COVID-19 case numbers (locally, provincially, nationally & globally), about the U.S. election this week, and about the onset of winter generally. :( 

State of the uterus: Waiting

Yesterday was my appointment with the gynecologist. I went fully prepared for the endometrial biopsy that my family doctor had asked for -- took some extra ibuprofen before I left, wore a pantyliner. 

And... he didn't do it. Didn't even have to take my clothes off, lol -- we just chatted. He wants to do a hysteroscopy & d&c instead. He explained that the endometrial biopsy would only be able to sample a small area of tissue. This way, he can take a larger sample of tissue (the ultrasound showed some slight thickening of the lining), remove any polyps that might be there and generally have a look around... especially since my bicornuate uterus sometimes makes that difficult to do. 

So that will be Friday, Nov. 27th. It's an outpatient procedure at a local hospital (the same one where my SIL had her hysterectomy three years ago with the same dr).  They will put me under to do it. He said they could also do it at a clinic, but because I have high blood pressure, it's safer to do it in the hospital. I'll need to go to the hospital about a week in advance for bloodwork, and self-isolate 48 hours in advance. (I said that wouldn't be a problem since I'm at home for days on end these days anyway...!)  

I'm not especially thrilled about it, but, whatever. I'm glad things are progressing. I just wish I didn't have to wait five weeks. Hopefully I won't have to wait too long after that for the results. My mother said, "He'll probably do a d&c on you"  when I told her what was going on. She was right! 

I did like him. He was quite thorough in his explanations & answered my questions -- didn't seem like he was trying to rush me out the door. He asked about my reproductive history, of course, and when I told him I had one pregnancy, no children, and why, he shook his head and said, "That's a terrible thing to go through." Thanks, doc. 

No spotting today or yesterday. Today is four weeks (!) since the spotting started. It doesn't seem like it's been that long... so perhaps those five weeks until my procedure will pass by just as quickly? I hope so... 

Off to our family doctor's office tomorrow for flu shots! 

#MicroblogMondays: Annoying things & small pleasures

Annoying things: 

• Still spotting. :p  (Going on four weeks now.) And feeling vaguely PMS-y, and tired.  Both dreading & looking forward to my gynecologist appointment on Wednesday, and to getting some possible solutions for getting rid of these fibroids (hopefully for good!). 
• Another gloomy day outside. It's 10:30 a.m. as I'm typing this and I'm still in my pajamas, which gives you an idea of what kind of day it is and the kind of mood I'm in...! 
• People who (still!!) aren't taking this pandemic (and the need to wear masks and maintain social distancing) seriously. 
• The amount of time it's taking me to finish my current book. (It's well-written, but it's about the Trump presidency... need I say more??! lol) 

Small pleasures: 

• Being able to stay in my PJs until late in the morning (one of the perqs of retirement...!)(not to mention retirement during a pandemic, lol -- not much chance of having people drop by unexpectedly to visit, etc....!). :) 
• Chatting (via Zoom) with several different groups of ALI & CNBC friends on the weekend.  There is strength & comfort in numbers!!  
• Also: sitting in on a Zoom discussion about L.M. Montgomery's "The Blue Castle," along with 60+ (!) other LMM academics & "kindred spirits"/fans.  Most of it will be posted on YouTube (although the conversation continued for another half hour or so after the recording was turned off). 
• Dh surprised me with some Lindor chocolates on his last trip to the grocery store. :) 
• Admiring the beautiful fall colours in the treetops behind the townhouses in back of our condo building. 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  

Odds & ends

• COVID-19 case rates hereabouts (locally, provincially and nationally) are skyrocketing (again). The cities of Toronto & Ottawa and the region of Peel rolled back to a modified version of Stage 2 last week, followed by the region where I live this weekend. Among other things, indoor dining and drinking has been shut down. So have movie theatres and gyms, and stricter limits have been placed on group gatherings. There has been a run on portable outdoor heaters that may help extend the patio dining season. (It's getting a bit chilly for outdoor eating, especially once the sun goes down...!).
• Being retired, without children, I probably haven't been spending as much time on Zoom calls as some of you have. But I have not one, not two, but THREE Zoom calls scheduled for this afternoon, & one more on Sunday morning (three with various segments of my ALI/CNBC tribe, and one a virtual forum for L.M. Montgomery academics & fans). Yikes!  (I do enjoy these calls, but they can be tiring!)
• Little Great-Nephew is 11 months old today. We have not seen him in a month. :(  His dad posted some photos from their recent trip to a pumpkin patch this morning.  He's not going to remember any of this crazy first year, of course -- but we sure will.  It's doubtful we're going to be able to celebrate his first birthday with him next month. :(  I SOOOOOOO MUCH resent the time during this precious first year with him that COVID has stolen from us. :(  
• On the flip side of the coin, I also resent the time that I'm not getting to spend with my aging parents. I don't really see any practical way to getting there for Christmas this year. I'm trying not to think about it too much, but it sucks. :(  
• My mom called me this week (about something she needed me to email for her) -- and I took the opportunity to tell her about my upcoming gynecologist visit and why I'm going, and to ask her some questions about my aunts & their issues.  I tried to keep the tone light so that she won't worry too much (I hope), and she didn't seem too concerned, thankfully -- perhaps because she's known so many people who have dealt with this (and she told me about a few of them, besides my aunts).  There is strength & comfort in numbers and in other people's stories...! 
• On the bright side: it's a beautiful, clear, sunny day, and I can see some lovely fall colours in the tops of the trees behind the townhouses outside. 

State of the uterus: I have an appointment

A brief update:  

I now have an appointment with the gynecologist:  next Thursday afternoon. Not too bad in terms of a wait!  I'm not sure whether he will do the endometrial biopsy that day, or whether I'll have to go back for that. Good thoughts/vibes/prayers for that day would be appreciated. :) 

The receptionist asked whether I'd had a sonohystogram (I haven't). Not sure whether that will be in my future too. 

Thank you for your good wishes and stories about your own experiences with fibroids. I hate to hear that so many of you have endured this this too;  but I will admit, it does make me feel less alone to know how common they are! 

I haven't told my mother about any of this. I didn't want to worry her unnecessarily, and certainly not until I knew better what I was dealing with. I am considering telling her before I head to the gyn's office next week. She never had fibroids, but she did have a hysterectomy, 21 years ago, when she was about the same age I am now.  And I wanted to ask her some questions about my two aunts (my dad's sisters). I feel like we have a lot in common, physiologically. My younger aunt had a hysterectomy when she was in her late 30s/early 40s, after she'd had her family. I'm not sure why. And I remember my mom mentioning that my older aunt was having some bleeding issues when she was post-menopausal. I'm not sure what happened there either, but I'd like to know more. 

I'll update again after my appointment next week. 

State of the uterus: Fibroids

Yep, it's fibroids. :p  I heard from my family dr's office late this afternoon. Apparently I do have some fibroids (plural -- I thought there was one, at most?) that have grown slightly since my last ultrasounds four years ago, and a slight thickening of the uterine lining. 

As expected, they are referring me to a gynecologist for an endometrial biospy.  (I kind of figured that was coming.)  They asked if there was anyone I wanted to be referred to -- you may remember that my longtime ob-gyn retired last year -- but my sister-in-law had a hysterectomy a few years ago, and I remembered that she had some good things to say about her gynecologist, whose office is not too far away (in the same building where I had the ultrasound done, actually). So I gave her a call & got the contact info from her and passed that back to my family dr. 

Now to wait for the appointment information -- hopefully I won't have to wait too long to see him. Dh is relieved. I can't say I'm HAPPY, but I am happy that someone will be looking into it!  I need to make a list of symptoms and questions I want to ask him about. 

I'm still spotting, on & off (for almost three weeks now). 

If any of you have any experience with fibroids (especially post-menopause), I'm all ears (eyes?!)!  Also re: endometrial biopsy... I had one 20 years ago as part of my infertility workup, but that was a while ago & I don't remember a whole lot about it, other than that it did hurt a bit, but it was over quickly.