Odds & ends

• Personal note:  10 years ago today (!), we took possession of the condo where we're now living, and moved out of our home of 26 years, on the other side of the city. (We spent the night at BIL's and moved our stuff in here the next day.) 
• "Boy, that went by fast," commented dh, when I reminded him. No kidding. 
• At the same time, what a lot has happened in those 10 years!:  our nephews' weddings, the arrival of three great-niblings (and a dog!),  the deaths of both FIL & my mom, as well as several other people we've loved, BIL's transplant surgery... 
• I've hashed out the pros & cons of condo living and of moving here several times before on this blog, so I won't go into those topics all over again here. Suffice to say, I'm still not wild about the community itself, but overall, we do love the condo and being closer to family.  :) 
• Mom stuff:  
• I had my first dream about Mom since she died, last week. I don't remember much about it, but she was there. I like it when the people I've loved and lost show up in my dreams. It's like a little visit from them. 
• Dh was looking for a newscast the other night, and landed on ABC World News Tonight with David Muir. Which got me teary, because my parents always ate supper late -- partly because Mom insisted on watching "her" news (on ABC -- the network broadcast, followed by the "local" news, from Fargo, ND -- although she almost always fell asleep before the end...!). She really liked David Muir and how he delivered the news as well.  It's the little, unexpected moments like that that catch me off guard and set me off (very similar to after we lost Katie).  
• Vision update:  We went into the city today for follow-up visits with our optometrist, following my opthamologist appointment earlier this month. The opthamologist determined that surgery was not necessary at this point, but there's still a small patch of developing nodules on my left cornea (as well as the small beginnings of a cataract).  Even so, my vision has not changed significantly since I last changed my glasses almost 12 (!) years ago (although both my regular and computer glasses have some scratches on them. The optometrist didn't think the scratches were that bad, though?). 
• The optometrist gave me an updated prescription for my glasses, but suggested it might be worth waiting a while longer to get new ones. We have a number of large expenses right now -- current, upcoming and anticipated:  we just paid our taxes (ouch), paid for flights to visit Dad soon (and will be going there again this summer and at Christmas), possible purchases for his new apartment to fund, as well as subsidizing his rent until he sells the house -- and we still need to purchase a cremation niche or plot at the cemetery for both him and Mom, and inter her ashes at some point -- etc. etc.... So I've decided to hold off on new glasses for a while longer.  (Dh's glasses are about the same age as mine! and he'd like new ones too, but agreed we should both wait.)  We'll be back for checkups again in six months, so we'll see what the situation is then... 

And now a few links to share: 

• Non-ALI/CNBC-related, but I thought it was worth sharing:  Canadian Returnee explains Bill C-18, Meta's response (why I'm unable to see or post news links on Facebook or Instagram), and "What Facebook's News Ban Taught Canadians."   
• I see posts on social media -- from both Americans and Canadians! -- claiming that the Canadian government is "censoring" news.  Not true!  News (actual news, from actual journalists) is readily available, online and elsewhere -- you just can't find it or share it on Facebook or Instagram. And that's because of a decision made by Meta, not the Canadian government. (The article explains more.) 
• (For some reason, Meta's ban doesn't apply on Threads??  But shhhhh, don't remind them of that...!  lol)    
• Great news:  One of the "OG" voices in the CNBC blogging world is back! Welcome back PJ at Making Sense of It All. 
• I love, love, loved this blast from the past via Tracey Cleantis Dwyer (another longtime blogger who recently launched a Substack): "The Hardy Boys and the Mysterious Case of the Magical Meeting." (Featuring Parker Stevenson, Shaun Cassidy, and an older/childless woman role model who changed Tracey's life.)  
• Speaking of Shaun Cassidy, Alan Osmond, oldest of the performing Osmond Brothers, died earlier this week at age 76, after living with MS for 40 (!) years.  Another brother, Wayne, died in early 2025 at age 73.  You know you're getting older when your teen idols start dying...  :(  
• Katie Dunn at Afterglow writes about whether children give your life "purpose" -- something that many childless women struggle with, when parenthood doesn't work out for them ("what's my purpose now?"). Part of the post is paywalled, but what's free to read is worth a look!  
• Another brilliant post from Ali Hall at Life Without Children:  "When Women Supporting Women Defaults to Mothers Supporting Mothers." (Subhead: "Compassion is never found in comparison.")  
• I vividly remember the story about the doctor whose daughter asked her that painful question -- and her response (or lack thereof) -- and posted about it at the time (during the height of the pandemic). 
• Ali is offering half-price annual paid subscriptions during the month of May. 
• Also from Life Without Children, childfree Rosie Diell ponders "What fence sitters can learn from the childless community." 
• Lana Manikowski at "Infertile and Childless. So Now What?" looks at "What Happens to Your Marriage When IVF Doesn’t Work?" A couple of excerpts: 

...for many couples, IVF doesn’t work.

And when fertility treatments end without a baby, you are left with more than grief. You are left with questions about your marriage that no one prepared you for.

I remember thinking very clearly, is this going to be enough?

 

...a marriage without children is not a lesser version of life. It is a different version of life. It can still be connected, meaningful, and something you feel proud of.

Not because you convinced yourself to be okay with it, but because you built something real together after infertility.

• Poorna Bell dismantles "the myth of grandmotherhood" (and why it's important for everyone, whether or not you have grandchildren).  Most of the post is about grandmothers, but near the end, there's this: 

What about the women who aren’t grandmothers? Where is their place in society? Most of these women will have experienced a sense of isolation and an erosion of community the first time round, when it came to not having children. Having spoken to a number of women including Jody Day about this, it appears there is a second wind in one’s 60s, around grandmotherhood that raises the same issues.

(Bell muses that this particular issue "may merit a spin-off Substack" -- I would love to read that!)  

#MicroblogMondays: I dreamed a dream...

I had a really weird dream a few nights ago. 

I was by myself, walking along a desolate country road, somewhere between the border town where I was born, close to where my paternal grandparents had a farm, and my maternal grandparents' home, 20 miles away in NW Minnesota. (The border did not seem to be an issue here, lol.)  

I wanted to go to my grandparents' house in Minnesota, and I thought I'd walk there (20 miles -- with my bum knee -- yeah, right...!!). But then I remembered -- the house is gone, and there's no one left there. (Just one of my second cousins, and a childhood friend from the neighbourhood.)  

So I turned and started walking in the direction of my other grandparents' farm, a few miles outside of town... but the road petered out into big snowdrifts, and I realized it hadn't been plowed -- and then I also remembered that there was no one left at the farm anymore either (hasn't been in almost 40 years...!). 

So I turned again and started trudging back into town -- although there's really no one there I could ask for help either. I thought that maybe I could get a room at the motel there, and then a ride into the city the next day -- or start walking there in the morning (60 miles...?!). 

But then I realized that although my sister and a few cousins live in or near the city, I couldn't rely on them to take me in either, certainly not long term. And I'm not sure I really belong in that city anymore either (if I ever did).  

When I woke up, I realized that I've been struggling with these themes & questions my entire life.  Where is home?  Where do I belong?  (DO I belong anywhere??) Do I matter to anyone (besides dh and my parents -- who aren't going to be around forever...)?  Who will be there for me if/when I need help (especially in my later years)?  

I've had similar dreams before, but for some reason, this one really bothered me and has stuck with me since then.

I think a lot of childless-not-by-choice women struggle with these questions. 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

#MicroblogMondays: See you in my dreams

I've been having a lot of dreams lately. I don't always remember them in great detail, but I do remember snatches of some, and hazy overall themes. And I've noticed that a lot of the same themes keep popping up, over and over again!  

Some of them include:   

• Being chased: getting inside the house -- but the door will NOT latch!! (There's always a gap between the door frame and the door!)  
• My teeth falling out (and rattling around inside my mouth -- eek!). I haven't had one of those dreams in quite a while (knock wood!) -- but I remember the horror of realizing I had broken a tooth once (in real life!) and fishing chunks of tooth out of my mouth and thinking, "OMG, it's just like in my dream!!"  
• Flying! -- on my own, not in an airplane!  (In my dreams, it's like doing the breaststroke in the air, lol.)  
• Tornados. (I know where this one comes from:  my grandfather was deathly afraid of bad weather, and kept an eagle eye on the weather report. At the first sign of approaching storms, he'd hustle us over a neighbour's house where there was a basement we could shelter in.)  
• My grandparents' house, built in the early 1900s, had a simple dirt cellar, accessed through a trap door in the kitchen floor.  I do remember going down there during bad weather when I was very young, but my grandfather didn't think it was very stable -- which is why we began heading over to the neighbour's house!  But in my dreams, I'm often heading down into that cellar -- and finding not only a 1970s-style rec room down there, but an entire underground city...!  
• Related:  Finding hidden rooms & attics in my grandparents' house (which was torn down in 1998).  
• Finding a book that takes my family history back several generations, with handwritten notes that I'm dying to read -- but I wake up before I can actually read what's in it!  
• Visiting a cemetery or mausoleum and wandering around endlessly, trying to find where Katie & other family members are buried.  
• Being back in school, not attending class all term -- and then finding out I still have to write the exam! and scrambling to make my way across a HUGE campus to get to the exam location on time! (I think this is a common one!) (Note that the last time I was in a classroom of any sort was FORTY YEARS AGO!!  lol)  
• Being back in my old university dorm, and wandering around through the hallways, up & down stairs... 
• Wandering endlessly through the underground PATH that connects all the office towers in downtown Toronto. It's often either deserted, or crowded with people.  And I'm often trying to find my way to a bookstore!  lol  
• Being at work. (Yes, 10 years after I was let go, I am STILL dreaming about work!!)  
• Being at work AFTER I was let go. In my dreams, I was told they wanted me back, urgently -- so I return to the office, only to have people giving me funny looks, like "What's SHE doing here?"  
• Related:  Going up & down endless flights of stairs between floors. (We DID have elevators!) 
• Being the odd person out/the only one (if not specifically childless). Not only a reflection on my childlessness, but probably also my childhood, where I was often "the new girl" and the oddball because of my good grades, love of reading (and using big words!), and my ineptitude at sports! 

Do you remember your dreams?  Do you find certain themes or scenarios being repeated over & over again?  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  

This week's odds & ends

• I had a dream recently that I was babysitting Little Great-Nephew... he had one of those little motorized cars that you sometimes see kids in, driving down the sidewalk -- and he gleefully zoomed off into the distance. I was running way behind him, calling his name, calling him to STOP!  Someone stopped me, wanting to chat, and I said, "I can't talk, I have to get my son!"  I don't know why I called him my son?? (I did eventually find him, and all was well!)  
• (The funny/ironic thing is, he HAS one of those little motorized cars -- a miniature Jeep, that BIL got for him -- and he REFUSES to have anything to do with it!!  lol  He won't even sit in it!)  
• We are going to be babysitting him for a good chunk of the day, one day next week, when his grandparents (BIL & SIL) are out for a medical appointment/procedure -- and I was thinking my dream probably reflected my anxiety about that. He really is easy to stay with, generally no trouble at all -- he adores dh, who generally winds up doing most of the running around with him (lol) -- but it IS a responsibility! -- AND his parents are toilet training him right now  (lol) and I've been wondering how THAT's going to work??! 
• But it also occurred to me, as I thought about it later, that it was also kind of symbolic, wasn't it? Chasing after "my child,"  watching him (her) disappear into the distance... 
• The Dyson saga:  You'll remember that, back in mid-January, our new, very expensive Dyson humidifier/purifier conked out on us when I tried to carry out a deep clean cycle for the first time. Thankfully, it's under warranty for a year (until October), and -- after going in circles with Dyson customer service for a few frustrating days -- we were able to take it to a local warehouse for repair. (The story is recounted here, here and here.)  
• It's worked fine since then -- but last weekend, I got a warning alert on my Dyson app that a(nother) deep clean cycle would be required soon.  (You generally need to do one about once a month, but we don't run the humidifier 24 hours a day -- plus I use filtered water versus straight from the tap = less limescale building up -- so it's been almost exactly two months since that last disastrous one.)  There's a setting on the app where you can check to see how many hours remain before the next deep clean cycle is needed (also when the air filters need replacing) -- and I watched the hours counting down over the next few days with a feeling of impending doom (lol). 
• I estimated we'd reach zero (0) hours on Tuesday afternoon -- and we did -- but nothing happened. No alert to carry out the cycle (and believe me, I didn't want to try to do one, unprompted!).  
• The machine continued to merrily humidify away -- and to be honest, I'd kind of forgotten about it -- until I got the "deep clean cycle required" alert message at 3:45 on Thursday afternoon. I followed the instructions in the manual (I was also able to call them up from the app on my cellphone) and held my breath as I pushed the "start" button and the timer started counting down from the 60 minute mark. In January, it stalled out at 59:50 and would NOT advance further, no matter what I did!  This time, it kept going! and finished the cycle an hour later, as it should!  Whew!!  
• It's "Mothering Sunday" today in the UK (i.e., Mother's Day -- albeit it started out as something quite different and has evolved to become more like our North American celebration in May). Spare a thought for our sisters across the ocean who -- thanks to social media & the pervasiveness of (North) American culture -- will get barraged with Mother's Day hoopla all over again in May, along with the rest of us!  
• Elizabeth Day (whose book "How to Fail" has long languished in my to-read pile) has an amazingly frank and articulate article in the Times of London this weekend:  "My fertility sadness — and what not to say to a childless woman." (This is actually an excerpt from her forthcoming book, "Friendaholic: Confessions of a Friendship Addict.") 
• A lot of the Times's content is behind a paywall, but I think you get a certain number of articles for free. You may possibly have to register to read it.
• Sample passage: 

We rightly talk about privilege in this era of social change — an era marked by Black Lives Matter and #MeToo — but hardly anyone acknowledges fertility privilege. Those of us who have had complicated journeys to parenthood are only too aware of its existence. I know how it feels to be the infertile one in a world of apparent abundance. I wouldn’t post about my glorious babies on social media in much the same way as I wouldn’t post about my expansive mansion or my fleet of Bentleys (not that I have any of those), because it’s thoughtless to those who don’t have these things. Forget the language of privilege for a second: isn’t it just lacking in basic empathy? Isn’t it just being a good human?

#MicroblogMondays: Annoying things, small pleasures and other odds & ends

Annoying things: 

• 
  The Elf on the Shelf is back. He started appearing in my American friends' social media feeds directly after U.S. Thanksgiving, and elsewhere promptly on Advent Sunday/Dec. 1st.  As I made quite clear in a post several years back ;) (also here), anytime I feel sorry for myself that I don't have kids, I just think about having to remember to figure out some cutesy new situation or pose for the damned Elf -- every! single! day! during December (well, for the first 24 days, at any rate...!) -- and not just for one year but for as long as my kids believe in the thing. NO THANK YOU!! 
• Waking up and thinking it must be morning -- only to look at the clock and see it's still only 1:30 a.m.!! 
• Looking at my Christmas to-do list -- presents to organize (albeit not as many as I'd usually be buying), baking I want to do, cards to finish -- and feeling complete inertia. :p  (ETA:  I did get a batch of cookies baked yesterday afternoon... it's a start!) 

Small pleasures: 

• Coming out of the shower last Tuesday morning to find that dh had already set up & plugged in the Christmas tree. :)  It still needed to be "fluffed" and decorated, but just having it up and seeing the lights on made me feel infinitely happier and more Christmas-y. :)  
• Decorating the tree the next day, and having it on (all day, every day!) since then. :)  
• Not so pleasant:  I'll admit I had a few "moments" as I started taking out the ornaments and framed photos of my family from Christmases past. It hit me all over again that I'm not going home for Christmas -- that I won't be decorating Mom & Dad's tree this year with all the old familiar ornaments -- that it's been a full year since I last saw them and that I might not see them until at least NEXT Christmas (if I'm lucky), even if things start turning around in 2021. I had a good sob on dh's shoulder, then took a deep breath & started putting things on the tree. (But I made sure that none of the Christmas CDs I was playing included the song "I'll Be Home for Christmas" -- that would have set me off again...!)  
• Using my stash of holiday-themed essential oils in my diffuser... scents of pine, cinnamon and peppermint. :) 
• Sharing some of my holiday recipes with SIL, and thinking that just maybe they might survive me, if nothing else. Not a bad legacy to leave...!  :) 
• Cyber Monday orders from online retailers arriving at my door -- already! -- well before their estimated arrival dates. 
• New, fun, holiday-themed masks from Old Navy, colour coordinated with my outfits (much to dh's amusement), lol.  
• Adjustable ear straps! 
• Some cute onesies and T-shirts for Little Great-Nephew from Baby Gap, 50% off -- including a tiny Ramones T-shirt. :)  (His dad will like that one, lol.) 
• New adorable photos and videos of Little Great-Nephew posted on social media by his mom, including one of him playing with the dog & giggling madly. :) 
• Sunshine and blue skies after days of wet, dreary darkness. 
• (Finally!!) Feeling like myself again, post-hysteroscopy/d&c. It took me almost a full week before the cramping, spotting and general fatigue started to subside. I guess maybe I overdid it, or maybe I'm just not as young & resilient as I used to be? 

Other odds & ends (neither annoying nor particularly pleasurable): 

• I've been having some weird dreams again lately. I don't always remember them, but in a recent one, I dreamed I was in a crowded drugstore in Washington, D.C., and NOBODY was wearing a mask. I was horrified when I realized this, and even more so when I realized I wasn't wearing one either. I held my breath as I started fumbling in my purse. I found two sock masks I'd stashed there in case of an emergency and put them both on, one on top of the other. Sign of the times?? 
• I wound up attending my high school class (of 1979)'s Christmas party Zoom call on Saturday night. There were about 15 of us (from a graduating class of just over 100 people, 55 of whom are on the class Facebook group) -- 14 women and one guy (who always got along with everyone and isn't fazed by a bunch of gabby girls, lol) -- and we chatted for two hours... once we got everyone onboard & mikes unmuted, etc. (Some of us, at almost 60, are more computer-savvy than others...!) A good chunk of them still live in town (several of them married to other classmates!) and see each other regularly -- the Zoom party was in lieu of their regular Christmas gathering. But three of my best friends from the class signed up, which made me feel more comfortable being there (how very high school of me, right??  lol) and there were a few others who RSVPd yes that I knew I wouldn't mind/was curious about seeing. 
• It turned out pretty well. (Wine helped, lol.) Even if most of these people weren't really friends with me in high school, there's a certain comfort level that comes from a shared past and geography. 
• We went around the group & each gave a brief "what I've been doing since high school" spiel. (In some ways, I think we actually got to talk to each other more and learn more about each other than we probably would have at a real-life/in person gathering!) 
• Of course everyone mentioned how many kids & grandkids they had. Not all of them have grandkids (yet -- one woman's first grandchild was just born last week), but needless to say, I was the only one (in this subset of the class, at least) who didn't have any kids. I just didn't mention anything along those lines (never complain, never explain...), and nobody asked (thankfully).  My best friends, of course, know my story, and I'm sure several of the others have heard something through the grapevine. 
• My classmates' kids are all grown up now, of course -- in their 20s & 30s -- not likely to wander into the frame to distract the call (particularly right now with COVID). We did get to see a lot of very cute dogs, though. :) 
• One girl (who I didn't know very well in school) mentioned that she works with the local Compassionate Friends group. I missed out on the full story there -- I was chatting in the text box with someone else -- but I think she lost a daughter. Of course, one of my good friends lost her daughter in a car accident last year (as well as her brother and both her parents in recent years), and has taken great comfort in her own local Compassionate Friends chapter.  A good reminder that grief & loss of some kind happen to us all, eventually (especially over a timespan of 40+ years). 
• Many of my classmates have lost parents or are dealing with their aging issues. Spaces in local care homes are hard to come by, and some mentioned parents & other seniors they know being sent to homes up to an hour & a half away, while they wait for a local space to open up. Yikes!! 
• Annoying thing: looks like I'm the first person in the class (or at least out of the ones who were chatting) who will turn 60 in January. I know another classmate has a January birthday that's earlier than mine, but someone said she was actually born in 1962, not 1961, and so will only be 59. Hmmm...

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

#MicroblogMondays: Post-Oscars edition :)

• The night before the Oscars, I dreamed I was AT the Oscars -- as a presenter, no less!  Hanging out with Queen & the guys from "Bohemian Rhapsody."  ;)  And it was five minutes to showtime, and I was struggling to put on my makeup.  :p I do remember I was wearing a kickass dress, though.  :)  Dark metallic grey-blue with sparkles. 
• Not having a host actually seemed to work out pretty well, I thought...! The pace of the show seemed much improved from recent years (under 3 hours & 20 minutes, not bad...), and they didn't seem to be quite as strict about cutting off people's speeches. 
• I do think they could have given a LITTLE more time to the honorary & science/tech award winners, though...! (presented at separate banquets)
• I am glad they did not move some of the awards to the commercial breaks, as previously announced.  They deserve their moment in the spotlight too.  And often some of the best speeches & most memorable moments come from these "minor" award winners. 
• I will admit, I didn't think "Bohemian Rhapsody" was best picture material... but it was one of my favourite movies from last year. A whole lot of fun, and I do think it deserved all the awards it got. (And it actually wound up winning more awards -- four -- than any other movie this year!)  
• LOVED having Queen and Adam Lambert open the show. Just perfect and set an energetic tone for the show. Loved seeing Brian May & Roger Taylor in the audience later too. :) 
• Also perfect having Mike Myers & Dana Carvey (aka Wayne & Garth :)  ) introduce the movie as a Best Picture nominee. :) 
• Loved Rami Malek's acceptance speech too.  
• Loved Bradley Cooper & Lady Gaga's duet, and how they just walked up to the stage from the audience & started singing. They need to put a picture of these two under the dictionary definition of "chemistry."  ;)  
• I did not see "Mary Poppins Returns," but hearing Bette Midler sing "Where the Lost Things Go" brought me to tears. It's a song about loss & grief & comfort. (My understanding of the movie is Mary Poppins returns after Michael Banks -- now the grown-up father of three children -- loses his wife.)  
• Great Poppins-esque entrance from Keegan-Michael Key to introduce the song (being lowered from the ceiling with an umbrella in hand!).  I would have been terrified!! (I am sure that was WELL rehearsed!)
• I have not seen "The Favourite" either, but I loved Olivia Colman's surprise win & speech.  
• Was there anything funnier than Melissa McCarthy and her rabbit-festooned dress -- a send-up of the queen Colman played in "The Favourite"?  
• A friend (also living without children after loss) pointed out to me on Facebook "While Queen Anne didn't really have a rabbit for every child she lost [17] it was kind of cool that The Favourite addressed her losses with them." (17!!)  I did not know this! 
• Favourite dresses:  Tina Fey, Regina King, Amy Adams, Glenn Close (obviously designed with a win in mind...!), Emma Stone, Gemma Chan (a bit frou-frou with all those ruffles, but she pulled it off), Constance Wu, Michelle Yeoh, Brie Larson, Julia Roberts. 
• Just... no (re: dresses):  Maya Rudolph, Kacey Musgraves, Linda Cardellini, Rachel Weisz. And Charlize Theron. Normally she looks stunning, but IMHO, her dress was drab and way too severe looking.  

Previous Oscar-related posts here. :)

Did you watch? Thoughts? Favourite dress(es)?  Dress(es) that made you wince? Favourite speech? Moment(s) that made you cheer? Cringe?

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

"The Marrow Thieves" by Cherie Dimaline

Mel recently wrote about the importance of diversity in our reading. One thing about book clubs, whether online or "real life," is that you sometimes find yourself exposed to reading books/authors and topics you might never have otherwise considered.

"The Marrow Thieves" by Cherie Dimaline is one of those books. I doubt I would have picked it up on my own -- but a Facebook reading group I follow recently picked it as the first selection in what we hope will become a monthly book club feature, and I decided I'd pick up a copy so that I could take part in the upcoming discussion.

"The Marrow Thieves" is young adult fiction. It's a dystopian/survivalist novel, which reminded me at times of "Never Let Me Go" and "The Hunger Games" and every book I've ever read about the Holocaust. It's also a novel by a Canadian author of Metis descent, set here in Ontario. It was published last year (2017), and has won several awards and recognition, including a Kirkus Prize and a Governor-General's Literary Award. Earlier this year, it was a selection in CBC Radio's Canada Reads program.

The plot:  Some years in the future, global warming and catastrophic climate change have wreaked havoc on the planet.  Amid the chaos, people have lost the ability to dream -- except for Indigenous peoples.  The secrets of dreaming are believed to lie in their bone marrow -- and because of that, they are being hunted down and imprisoned in "schools" -- ominous echoes of the residential schools of the 19th & 20th centuries -- where their marrow is extracted. In order to survive, the dreamers flee north, learning once again to live off the land and scavenging supplies from abandoned resorts and cottages they find along the way. The story is told from the perspective of 15-year-old Francis (Frenchie). Besides the dystopian stuff, it's about growing up, about the families we're born into and the ones we create for ourselves.

 As I said, I likely wouldn't have picked up this book on my own. I have read and enjoyed some dystopian fiction, but hiding out in the bush, etc., "survivor" style, is not exactly my "thing," and overall, it was kind of a dark story -- although there are glimmers of hope along the way, particularly near the end. The premise was interesting, and the characters were well drawn.

I rated it three stars on Goodreads.

This was book #24 that I've read so far in 2018 -- meaning I have reached my 2018 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 24 books!  (Yay me!! :)  )  Any other books I read between now & Dec. 31st will be a bonus. ;) 

#MicroblogMondays: Only in my dreams

I had a baby dream last week. I don't know how I got the baby, but there was a baby, & it was mine, or at least mine to care for. I was living in a dorm-like setting (I have a lot of dreams where I am back in my university dorm, or something like it), and I left the baby in the lounge with some of the other residents to go to work.

When I returned, the baby was gone.

I started looking frantically -- & found the baby in a plastic bag in the trash can, head sticking out of the top. The baby was very tiny, and in distress -- sweaty & wrinkled/crumpled up-looking, and crying & frowning. I grabbed a glass of water, and then switched to a bottle, and as she chug-a-lugged the contents (of course it was she; don't ask me how I know that...), she filled out & grew and started smiling and cooing at me adorably.

I haven't had a baby dream in a long time, and I don't know why I had one now, let alone one that stuck in my mind long enough to write about -- but it was very bizarre. :p

Do you (still) dream about babies &/or pregnancy?

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  

#MicroblogMondays: The fools who dream

My newsfeed was abuzz this morning with Meryl Streep's speech at last night's Golden Globe awards. Political commentary aside, I was struck by how she emphasized the value of the actor's job -- the artist's job: "to enter the lives of people who are different from us, and let you feel what that feels like...  we have to remind each other of the privilege and the responsibility of the act of empathy."

She also said, at the very end, "As my friend, the dear departed Princess Leia, said to me once, take your broken heart, make it into art." 

In her most recent blog post, Pamela made the obvious connection that also came to my mind:  "Not surprisingly, when I heard that expression our stories, our blogs came to mind.  Many originated from broken hearts. Each, I believe, is a form of art — a beautiful expression of the human experience. Story-telling from one person and one generation to another is one of the oldest, most powerful forms of shared communication."

One reason I didn't watch the Golden Globes is that SIL & I went to see "La La Land" together yesterday  (neither of our husbands being big fans of movie musicals -- silly boys ;)  ).  It's an old-fashioned movie musical (dancing among the stars, anyone?) with some very modern twists and a decidedly modern ending. It also stars the wonderful Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling. I thought they were fabulous in "Crazy Stupid Love" a few years back, and was delighted to see them teamed up again. Their photos should be in the dictionary alongside the entry for "chemistry."  :)

There's a song that Emma Stone sings (filmed live, all in one take!) at a big audition near the end of the movie that ties in nicely with Streep's words -- and with what so many of our blogs are all about:

Here's to the ones who dream
Foolish, as they may seem
Here's to the hearts that ache
Here's to the mess we make

It's a song about pursuing your dreams.

It's also about the cost of those dreams, the toll that pursuit can take.

We know all about both, don't we?  Here's to us, then...!

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

"Florence Foster Jenkins" and the power of chasing a dream

Dh & I are generally avid moviegoers, but it's been a busy summer -- and, quite frankly, there haven't been a lot of movies around lately that we've really wanted to see. Happily, that is changing. :) 

(Some possible spoilers.) 

The first movie we saw after our return from our recent road trip was "Florence Foster Jenkins," starring Meryl Streep, Hugh Grant and Simon Helberg (better known as Howard on "The Big Bang Theory"). I had heard a bit about the movie and the true story it was based on, and seen a couple of trailers, and a few days before we went, I picked up the book that provided the source material for the script, "Florence Foster Jenkins" by Nicholas Martin and Jasper Rees. It's the type of quirky, real-life story that I love.

Florence was a wealthy New York socialite and patron of the arts who fancied herself an opera singer -- and actually gave a sold-out concert at Carnegie Hall shortly before her death in 1944. To put it mildly, she was not. You can find some of her recordings on YouTube if you care to hear the proof. In fact, some have dubbed her "the world's worst singer." She was enabled in her delusions of grandeur by her common-law husband, the second-rate actor St. Clair Bayfield (Hugh Grant), who worked tirelessly to encourage and protect her, and people in the arts community who relied on her generous patronage. We first hear her sing at the same time aspiring pianist/composer Cosme McMoon does (Helberg -- who really does play piano in the movie!), when he auditions to become her accompanist. The expression on his face when she opens her mouth and lets out those first few off-key notes is priceless (and possibly Oscar-worthy). I have to admit I laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my face.

But while there is humour in the movie, it's not played strictly for laughs. Streep does a marvellous job (as usual...!) of conveying Florence's sincerity and underlying fragility. It's funny, it's a bit sad in parts, and it's touching.

There's a scene in the movie where Florence has just confessed to the new doctor treating her that she has syphilis, contracted from her first husband on her wedding night. (It's suggested in the book that the disease may have had an effect on her hearing, and singing.)  In those days, pre-penicillin, there was no cure for syphilis, and Florence lived far longer than most people with the illness. As a result, her common-law marriage/relationship with St. Clair Bayfield was of a non-sexual nature.

After the doctor leaves, she & St. Clair are talking and she expresses how she wishes she could have given him a child. "We could have been a family," she says sadly. "We ARE a family," he assures her. (Hugh Grant is also amazingly good here.)  The exchange reminded me of another Meryl Streep movie, "Julie & Julia," where she played the wistfully childless Julia Child, supported by her loving husband Paul (Stanley Tucci). (My post about "Julie & Julia" remains my all-time most viewed and commented upon, and continues to draw traffic and comments.) 

There's nowhere in the book or the movie where Florence's childlessness is specifically linked to her musical obsessions, but it's easy to see that music filled a void for her (just as food and cooking filled a similar void for Julia Child). "Music is and always has been my life," she says. We believe her.

Reflecting on the movie later, I was also reminded of Tracey Cleantis's book "The Next Happy" (which I reviewed here), about the sometimes destructive power of chasing your dreams and how to let them go. Unlike most of us, Florence had the money and the social clout to keep following her improbable dream long after most of us would have had to throw in the towel. It's suggested in both the book and the movie, though, that being confronted with the negative reviews of her Carnegie Hall concert, and the realization that people were laughing at her, shattered her illusions and ultimately contributed to her death a few months later.

Nevertheless, Florence's story also reminds us that we can find value and meaning in doing what we love to the best of our ability -- even if we know we'll never be truly great at it.  People recognized that Florence's singing was sub-par (even if she never did) -- but (as the movie shows) they also admired her can-do spirit and determination. "People may say that I couldn't sing. But no one can say that I didn't sing," Florence observes with a smile at the movie's end (a quote attributed to the real-life Florence).

The book was interesting in filling out the details of Florence's life, but unless you're really curious about her and the times she lived in, you can probably go straight to the movie (which I would happily recommend). 

This was book #13 that I've read so far in 2016.

Book: "The Next Happy" by Tracey Cleantis

Disclosure: I first got to "know" Tracey Cleantis through her blog, originally known as La Belette Rouge (and now part of her website). I'm among the Facebook friends she mentions in the acknowledgements, "who endured a year of me asking questions about their grief."  I am quoted in the book, albeit under a different name.

That said...

I loved this book. I knew I probably would, because the subject matter is right up my alley, and because I love Tracey's blog, but it was great to finally have a copy in my hands and to read it for myself.

"The Next Happy" grew out of Tracey's personal story, which in some ways resembles my own. Like me, she wanted a baby -- and like me, she didn't get one, despite 20+ rounds of IUI, four-and-a-half IVFs, a failed adoption, and $100,000 down the drain.  And yet (and also like me), she will tell you that her life today is happier than she ever thought possible.  And that your life can be, too.  

The really great thing about this book is that it isn't just an infertility survival guide or memoir (although Tracey does refer to her own story throughout the book to illustrate some of her points). It's applicable to anyone who has had to let go of a a cherished dream and try to find happiness elsewhere. In its pages we meet people whose dreams included running a hotel in Atlantic City, earning a master's degree, being an entrepreneur, being a martial arts expert, owning a dream home, hosting a talk show (a la Oprah), attending West Point, being in a committed relationship with the seemingly perfect partner, and  becoming a diplomat.  All of them had to let these dreams go.

Tracey refers to herself as "the Dr. Kevorkian of dreams," which sounds kind of ominous -- but the book is highly readable, full of common-sense insights, practical advice, humour and empathy. Writing in a warm, chatty style, Tracey examines topics that include:

• our "never give up" culture,
• the consequences of not giving up,
• when and how to say goodbye to a dream,
• acknowledging just how much this sucks (grief work),
• "the ugly stepsiblings of emotion" (envy, fear, shame) and how to deal with them,
• getting support from family, friends, professionals and others,
• the search for meaning,
• identifying the symbolic meaning of your original dream (what were you really hoping to get, and how else can you do that), and
• getting to your next happy.

Each chapter includes case studies, Tracey's professional observations from the therapy couch, a checklist of self-help questions and suggestions to get you thinking, and (best of all, IMHO, as an avid moviegoer), a "Movie Rx" -- a movie recommendation which reflects the themes of the chapter. Among Tracey's picks: "Silver Linings Playbook," "Ordinary People," "Amadeus" and "It's a Wonderful Life."

"There is always hope for a happy life," Tracey says near the book's end. "It takes work. It isn't easy. But if you believe in it, if you are open to all possibilities, and if you do the work, it does happen." I agree! I so wish that a book like this had been around when I was making the transition from fertility treatments to childless/free living.

This was book #2 that I've read so far in 2015.

(Actually, it's #3, but I'm still working on a review of #2, lol. So to make it easy, we'll call it #2.)

One of those moments

When dh & I first met (over, GULP, 30 years ago...!)  and began comparing musical tastes, we discovered we were both Billy Joel fans, with several of his albums each in our collections. "Just the Way You Are" was a monster, monster hit when I was in high school, and one of the songs we considered for the first dance song at our wedding (we eventually went with "You & I" by Crystal Gayle & Eddie Rabbitt -- which seems oddly appropriate, in retrospect...). We didn't even think about what song we should dance to LAST, before making our exit -- so we wound up dancing to the DJ's pick --  which was "This Night,"  from Billy Joel's then-recent album, "An Innocent Man."

The lyrics might have been a little odd for a wedding (it's about a one-night stand that is turning into something else) -- but it's a wildly romantic song, based on a Beethoven melody, with lush, 50s-style doo-wop harmonies I've always loved. I'm so glad it was included in our wedding. :) 

 

Yesterday, we tackled the weekly housecleaning & put on a CD of Billy Joel hits to keep us moving along and make the chores go by faster. 

After we finished, dh was upstairs taking a shower & I was catching my breath when "Lullaby (Goodnight, My Angel) from the "River of Dreams" album came on.

I've heard it before, of course, before & after Katie. But I don't think I ever really LISTENED to the lyrics before.

And the tears rolled down my face.

Goodnight, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark
And deep inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabyes go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I
Will be

"Follow Your Bliss, Right Off the Cliff"

One of my favourite albums of all time is the self-titled debut album by the band Boston -- still one of the top-selling debut albums of all time. It came out when I was 15 in 1976 and I played it over and over and over again. I have it on vinyl, cassette and CD, and if & when I finally cave and get an iPod, I'm sure it will be one of the first pieces of music I buy. I still crank up the radio whenever a Boston song comes on the classic rock station dh & I like to listen to, and I love to sing along. The guitars! The clear, soaring vocals (RIP, Brad Delp)! The harmonies!

One of the lines I love, in one of the songs I love, "Long Time" (see video clip at the top of this post) goes: "I gotta keep on chasing that dream, though I may never find it... I'm always just behind it..." 

OK, back to the present, lol. There is a point to my rambling... the song just came to mind when I found a New York Times article last night about a couple of people who kept on chasing their dreams (careerwise) -- and lost their shirts in the process. The title (love it!): Follow Your Bliss, Right Off the Cliff.

As always, I saw some parallels to the ALI world that I think are worth reflecting on. Because, in infertility -- as in most aspects of life -- we are constantly urged to keep on chasing that dream -- to "go for it!"  Follow your passion! Don't give up!  Even when we're financially, physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted.

But tell me -- does any of this sound familiar?

One of the story subjects chucked aside her career as a fashion editor to open a high-end boutique with her sister in Los Angeles. It lasted just two years, and she's only just emerged from several years of financial struggle. 

...even when the future looked grim, Ms. Tyree hung on. [emphasis mine] In fact, she dug in. She bought more inventory for the racks and threw celebrity-fueled parties at the store to generate buzz.
      

“Your gut says this could be a problem, but your head overrides it because you have just put in this huge investment,” she said. “You are hanging on to not just the dream, but you are hanging on to the sweat equity and what you put into it financially.”

The article points out that it's human nature not to want to walk away, especially when you've invested so much.

Another story subject once owned five shoes stores in Los Angeles.

"I personalized the outcome to a degree that it was unhealthy,” he said. “I thought failure was total and permanent — and success stamped me as a worthwhile business person.”

      

That’s a normal reaction, says Dr. Richard Peterson, a psychiatrist and managing director for the New York-based financial consultancy MarketPsych. “There is a part of the brain called the anterior insula, and that is where we process losses,” he said. “It creates a physical sensation of pain, and it also creates a sensation of disgust.”

      

...to avoid the pain, Dr. Peterson said, we hope.

      

...“We overestimate our ability to control outcomes that have some element of chance” and we “tend to overestimate the extent to which good things are going to happen, especially to us.” 

For both Ms. Tyree and Mr. Dearing, hope — and money — finally ran out.

...“I thought I had one shot to be successful,” he said. “I had no idea that my career — or anybody’s career — is actually a multiround process and that you had many, many at-bats.”

I wouldn't interpret this to mean "keep batting till you hit that home run"... rather that there are many, many ways that you can build a great career, or lead a fulfilling life --which may or may not include children. There is no one right path or answer, and sometimes you have to hit a few strikes before you get that home run. (Or even a walk to first base.)(Or maybe switch to soccer or hockey.)(OK, enough with the sports metaphors, lol.)  

...“suffering comes from being attached to the outcomes.”

      

As paradoxical as it sounds, he said, “If you stop worrying about the outcomes, you will achieve a better outcome.”

(In ALI-speak, I don't think this means that if we "stop trying & relax" we'll get pregnant.)      

And if you asked either of them if they had any lingering pangs about those earlier, dashed dreams, the answer, even with all that money lost, would be no. So, pursue your life dream, whatever it is, but with caution. Or at least a cushion of savings.

And a plan B (or even C) in your back pocket. ; )

I'd encourage you to read the whole article... and then tell me what you think!

Family Day odds & ends

• Today is "Family Day" in Ontario. It's a made-up holiday that was only instituted in 2008, & while the political contrivance around both the institution of the holiday and its name still make me roll my eyes, I have to admit: February has become a much more tolerable month since we (finally) got a long weekend to look forward to. (I've posted about Family Day in 2011, 2010, 2009 and 2008.)
• The Globe & Mail had a front-page article today about Family Day. Sample wince-inducing quote: “Family Day is a great time to get everyone together and sort of remember why we have families and why we get married.” Ouch.
• That said, the article did include some interesting information & stats on how businesses are cashing in on Family Day. "...the day has, in its relatively short history, rapidly turned into one of Canada’s most important holiday weekends – and for those able to profit from it, a strong source of new revenue. Last year, WestJet set a single-day passenger record on Family Day, a remarkable statistic given that some major provinces, including British Columbia, don’t yet mark the day. B.C. plans to add it to the calendar in 2013." I guess that explains why I found it so difficult to get a flight to Florida (see earlier post).
• I've fallen behind in sharing some of the interesting ALI-related articles I find on this blog. That said, The Globe & Mail had an article in Satuday's paper about "The painful new realities of international adoption." "Just adopt," indeed...
• I haven't read all the comments yet (more than 200 so far)... but I was amused to see this early response to a 20-something saying they had always dreamed of adopting: "Why not have children of your own?" Followed a few comments down by: "I've never understood why Canadian couples would want to adopt a Chinese baby when there are Canadian babies to adopt." You just can't win when it comes to family building, can you??
• Dh & I were watching an episode of "Little People, Big World" on TLC Sunday afternoon. (We used to watch it all the time, but I gather it's not on regularly any more. I think this episode originally aired last fall.) The oldest son (one of fraternal twin boys), Jeremy, was heading off to California to study photography, & the parents, Matt & Amy, were having dinner together and talking about how rare an experience that was, and the prospect of becoming empty nesters and having to adjust to a new phase in their life. (They still have three kids at home, but I guess this got them thinking.) I looked at dh & said, "Not a problem for us!" I've had several friends whose kids have left home to go to school over the past year or so, and had to listen to them about how difficult it was. Sorry, gals, you're barking up the wrong tree here... (I did cry when Jeremy left at the end, just the same.)
• I had a really weird dream last night. I think it was triggered partly by photos I got via e-mail of The Princess having her first taste of rice cereal and partly by Betty Rubble's post about Rocky and his Swaddleme. In it, I was given a baby to take care of (not mine). The baby was tightly swaddled, & I put her in the top drawer of my dresser (!) & closed it. In the morning, I heard a faint "wah!" coming from the dresser, opened the drawer & took out the baby. I'm sure dream interpreters would have a field day with that one. ; )

"Your dream will change... and that's okay"

If you haven't already, I urge you to read or watch Conan O'Brien's commencement address at Dartmouth from earlier this week. It's funny to read & even funnier to watch, if you have 25 minutes to spare/kill/waste. But he winds up with a serious message, and as I thought about it in relation to my own life, my pursuit of a family & my ultimate decision to remain childfree, I could recognize something of myself in his words.

Some excerpts:

In 2000, I told graduates "Don't be afraid to fail." Well now I'm here to tell you that, though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it. Nietzsche famously said "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." But what he failed to stress is that it almost kills you. Disappointment stings and, for driven, successful people like yourselves it is disorienting. What Nietzsche should have said is "Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning."

Now, by definition, Commencement speakers at an Ivy League college are considered successful. But a little over a year ago, I experienced a profound and very public disappointment. I did not get what I wanted, and I left a system that had nurtured and helped define me for the better part of 17 years...

But then something spectacular happened. Fogbound, with no compass, and adrift, I started trying things... and guess what: with the exception of the blue leather suit, it was the most satisfying and fascinating year of my professional life. To this day I still don't understand exactly what happened, but I have never had more fun, been more challenged—and this is important—had more conviction about what I was doing.

How could this be true? Well, it's simple: There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized... Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42. One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course....

But the point is this : It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention.

So, at the age of 47, after 25 years of obsessively pursuing my dream, that dream changed. For decades, in show business, the ultimate goal of every comedian was to host The Tonight Show. It was the Holy Grail, and like many people I thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful. But that is not true. No specific job or career goal defines me, and it should not define you. In 2000—in 2000—I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that. But today I tell you that whether you fear it or not, disappointment will come. The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.

Many of you here today are getting your diploma at this Ivy League school because you have committed yourself to a dream and worked hard to achieve it. And there is no greater cliché in a commencement address than "follow your dream." Well I am here to tell you that whatever you think your dream is now, it will probably change. And that's okay....

Not that I will ever consider losing Katie a good thing... but yes, it most certainly was a catalyst in my life, and nothing has been the same since then. Sometimes that's been good, sometimes it's been bad. But I survived. I'm still here.

My dreams today at 50 are different than they were when I was 20, or 30, or even 40. (Sometimes, I'm still trying to figure out what they are.) But as the guy said, that's okay. Thanks, Conan. : )

Monarchist musings

Sap that I am, I actually took the day off work so that I could watch the entire royal wedding this morning, live. : ) I have gotten up early (& cheerfully) to watch every royal wedding of note for the past 40 years, starting with Princess Anne's (the first one, lol), in -- what? 1973? when I was about 12 -- & continuing through to Charles & Diana, Sarah & Andrew, Edward & Sophie, Charles & Camilla. (Not to mention the funerals of Diana, and the Queen Mother.) I felt a little silly asking for the day off, but decided that now wasn't the time to abandon tradition. ; ) (I have lots of accumulated vacation time I need to use up, too.)

Although the culture was not yet saturated with Disney princesses, I most certainly grew up listening to fairy tales & drawing pictures of queens & princesses in beautiful long gowns with crowns on their heads. When I went to school, we stood at attention & sang or listened to "God Save the Queen" at the end of every schoolday (it started off with "O Canada" & the Lord's Prayer and -- until I got to junior high -- even a daily Bible story)(!), which was common practice at the time (although I don't believe it is anymore -- pity). In Grade 1, I remember quite clearly that we had a team of "practice" teachers who did a unit with us on royalty -- kings & queens, & our Queen in particular. I was hooked. I started keeping a scrapbook about kings & queens -- Princess Grace, even the Shah of Iran, as well as the Windsors. I found it while cleaning out my parents' basement a couple of summers ago, & couldn't quite bear to throw it out just yet -- set it aside in my "keep" box.

Anyway -- as I lay in the dark this morning just before the 4 a.m. alarm rang (I'm normally up at 5, anyway, so 4 wasn't a huge deal), I thought back to those dim memories of Princess Anne's wedding, & watching with my mother & sister in our PJs. (I think we even had our colour TV by then.) I thought of little girls and princesses, and their mothers & sisters. And then I realized that Katie would be 12 today -- & I would very likely have been watching with her, either letting her skip school or go late, if need be (most of the wedding was done by 9 anyway). And I got very teary & emotional.

Dh gave me lots of hugs. Even though he claims he has absolutely no use for royalty, he loved "The King's Speech," encouraged me to take the day off, watched the motorcade to Westminster Abbey with me before heading off to work, & pronounced Kate's dress as "beautiful." ; )

*** *** ***

It WAS a beautiful dress. And a beautiful ceremony. Nobody does pomp & ceremony better than the Brits. I loved being able to sing along with all those wonderful old familiar Anglican hymns that I have heard since childhood. And to see that gorgeous, historic Abbey gave me chills.

I know some people love the royals as celebrities. They were a real-life soap opera ("Palace" vs "Dallas," I remember people calling it), long before current reality TV, and today more than ever, women & little girls alike (rightly or wrongly) seem to be enthralled by princesses. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little enthralled by those things too. ; )

But I also love the royals for the 1000 years of history that they embody, the continuity and the tradition, and their commitment to duty and service (something you most certainly must credit the current Queen for, if not some of the others).

*** *** ***

Until today, I think Chuck & Di's was definitely the most memorable royal wedding I've watched. Maybe because Diana & I were almost exactly the same age (me born in January 1961, she in July 1961).

(One of the young girls in the office said she's exactly the same age as Kate, which made me feel ancient. But even worse: "My parents told me Charles & Diana's wedding was lovely," said another, and I realized she wasn't even born then. Erk. Anyway...)

My own wedding dress (four years later) certainly had some similarities to Diana's --it had a big full skirt & long train, short, puffed sleeves & a long veil with a sort of tiara headpiece, although mine was just made of lace. The processional music they used (Trumpet Voluntary) was what I used for the recessional at my wedding.

.

The summer of the wedding (1981), my sister & I had found summer jobs & were sharing a basement apartment in the town where we had gone to high school (my parents had since moved to a different town). We only had a small black & white TV set -- we each had one in our dorm room at school, I imagine it was one of those -- so my sister's best friend invited us to stay overnight (at her parents' house), so we could watch the wedding with her (& her sister & mom, if I remember correctly) in colour. (This is a detail that I know REALLY dates me. I suppose most kids under the age of about 30 couldn't envision a world where TV didn't come in anything BUT colour.) I can't remember what time we had to get up -- 3? 4? 5? -- but it was an ungodly hour. I can remember my sister shaking me & saying, "The carriages are getting ready to leave the palace..." We watched the wedding -- & then went to work!

Years later, when the marriage started falling apart, I thought about a dream I had had when I was at university, sometime in late 1980 or early 1981, before the engagement was announced. I dreamed that I was at Buckingham Palace, coming down a staircase, & the Queen & Prince Charles were standing below, arguing. The Queen was scolding Charles & telling him it was time he got married & settled down. "Fine," said Charles, turning & pointing at me, "I'll marry HER." I froze & thought, "I'm going to be QUEEN!!"

Not long afterwards, Charles & Diana announced their engagement, & I thought how funny it was that I had dreamed about Charles & a wedding, & now there was going to be one. It wasn't until the truth about the marriage started coming out, & realized that that my dream had been more of a premonition than I had realized: he was under pressure to get married, & she was the first naive young virgin with an acceptable background to come along, be dazzled & say yes.

That awful Saturday night in August 1997, dh & I were home -- I think I was on the computer (even then!!) & he was watching TV -- & he called up to me to say CNN was reporting she'd been in an accident & they thought her boyfriend was dead. We watched TV until about 1 a.m., I think, when they pronounced her dead too. All I could think was, "those poor boys." :( When we woke up the next morning, the paper on our doorstep had a huge headline, all in capitals: "DIANA DEAD." It all seemed so unreal. I remember thinking, when I heard she had taken up with Dodi, that he didn't seem right for her & it would not end well. I just didn't know how "not
well" it would be.

I took a bouquet of white roses to the Princess of Wales Theatre downtown at lunchtime that week & signed the condolence book there. I've never done anything like that before but I'm glad I did.

*** *** ***

Years later, five or six years ago now, I think, the travelling exhibit from Diana's childhood home, Althorp, visited Toronto, & my boss somehow snagged free tickets for everyone in our group (which otherwise cost $25 -- a little steep, although part of it went to charity). We called it a "team building exercise." ; ) Eight of us (all women) went together one afternoon during a slow week at work. We quickly got separated -- the young ones charged on ahead, but my boss (who was in her 50s at the time, now retired) & I took nearly an hour to go through the exhibit, which included about 20 of Diana's dresses on display, plus items & photo albums from her childhood & old home movies, her brother's handwritten notes for the funeral eulogy, & notes handwritten by Elton John & Bernie Taupin for the version of "Candle in the Wind" that was sung at the funeral. They also had some of the Spencer family jewels, which were quite spectacular. I'm sure a good part of the ticket cost was eaten up in insurance & security expenses!

And, of course, there was The Dress. My boss & I both spent a good 15 minutes, just staring at it, and the video clips from the wedding. My boss laughed & noted that one of our coworkers was only about six months old at the time of the wedding. Obviously, Diana didn't hold quite the same level of fascination for them. "I suppose we'd have been just as interested in a display about Princess Margaret's wedding at their ages!" she said.

*** *** ***

Here's hoping this one works out. If today is any indication, they're off to a good start. : )

30 Posts in 30 Days: Day 30: A dream for the future

This one is easy: my dream for the future is a long, happy, active & healthy retirement for me & dh -- and hopefully sooner, rather than later...!

30 Posts in 30 Days: Day 15: Your Dream House

I wish I had a picture I could point to & simply says, "There," to this question. I love houses. I love looking at home magazines, & touring model homes, even ones that are unquestionably beyond our budget. There are lots of homes that I like, & I don't think that any one of them could be my one "dream home." Even if I had a home designed to my exact specifications, I'm sure I could walk into someone else's house & immediately find something that I liked, envied, or wished that I had in my own home.

We bought this house 20 years ago, thinking we would only be here five years or so before moving on to something bigger to accommodate an expanding family. (Dream on...) We've talked on & off about moving. Our house is only about 1,400 square feet -- big enough for two people, surely, but whenever we have visitors, it suddenly feels cramped. The big back yard, which we thought would be perfect for children, is seldom used. It gets the hot afternoon sun, dh grumbles about having to mow it, & we'd both rather be inside with our nose in a book than outside weeding & puttering in a garden.

The house is getting older & needs repairs & other upkeep. The downstairs carpets are getting worn, & the kitchen needs, if not a complete overhaul, definitely a refresh.There never seems to be enough storage (a problem common to most houses, I think...!) I don't like that the front door basically opens into our living room, & how shoes & boots pile up in the tiny foyer. What was considered a luxury for smaller, cheaper houses like ours -- like spacious entrances with large closets, large master bedrooms with walk-in closets & ensuite bathrooms, now seem to be standard fixtures in newer houses. (Of course, you don't see a lot of 1,400 square foot homes being built these days -- unless maybe they're condos...)

On the plus side, the location is unbeatable. We're in a slightly older (25 years-ish) but still nice suburb, surrounded by houses that are larger & more expensive than ours. We're a short walk away from public transit, a plaza with many amenities (supermarket, drugstore, dry cleaner, hair salon, pizza & subway outlets, etc.), both public and Catholic elementary & high schools (not that it matters to us... but it may to any potential future owners...), and a short drive to the mall and the commuter train to the city.

We may not use the backyard very much, & dh may grumble about having to mow it, but I like all the trees, & I like having some extra space around me, so that the neighbours aren't right on top of us. Our lot is one of the biggest ones on the street. Newer houses' backyards these days are just a fraction the size of ours. And even though the afternoon sun bakes the backyard, it also floods into our living room in a way that warms & brightens the mood -- & my spirits.

I still like my little house. (For one thing, it's paid for, lol.) ; ) A visiting friend once called our house "cozy & comfortable," & to me, that was the ultimate compliment. The pristine houses that I see in some of the decorating magazines with all-white walls, leather sofas & glass tables, no television sets and nary a knickknack to be seen, seem sterile and bland. There has to be a happy medium between minimalism and clutter.

Even though my kitchen cupboards are scratched and sagging (I hate the chipboard shelves inside), I love the warm wood tones. The previous owners carried the wood theme through with wooden tongue & groove wainscotting in the dining nook, stained to match the cupboards. Maybe it's a little dated, too countryish for modern tastes, but I still love it.

Nevertheless, if I was building a custom home, money no object, here are some of the things I'd love to see in it:

• a large, treed, waterfront lot
• large kitchen that opens to a family room, with lots of solid wooden cabinets & a pantry (preferably walk in, like my grandma's), and an island or breakfast counter
• fireplace
• lots of built-in bookshelves -- maybe in a dedicated library or office space?
• a scrapbooking room with lots of natural light & all the built-in storage I need : )
• a large foyer/mudroom with ample closet space to hang coats & put shoes.
• a finished laundry room (dont' care if it's in the basement or main floor)
• a main floor bathroom
• master bedroom with an ensuite bathroom, large walk-in closet, big enough to hold all my clothes (right now, they're in every bedroom closet in the house), and maybe a deck with French doors

"I Dreamed a Dream"

Have you seen the YouTube clip of Susan Boyle, wowing Simon Cowell, no less, with her rendition of "I Dreamed a Dream" from "Les Miserables" in auditioning for "Britain's Got Talent"? This song chokes me up at the best of times, & I love the feel-good story attached to this version. I called dh upstairs to come look & we had to pass the Kleenex between us!

Dh & I saw "Les Miserables" in the early 1990s, when it was playing at the Royal Alexandra Theatre in Toronto, with Michael Burgess as Jean Valjean and Louise Pitre as Fantine (& we were passing the Kleenex then, too, lol). Pitre later went on to win a Tony in "Mamma Mia," in the role of Donna played by Meryl Streep in the movie. About five years ago, she headlined Emma's Song, a benefit show for the pregnancy loss support group dh & I volunteer with. The event was organized by a couple who knew her through their own work in the theatre, in memory of their stillborn daughter.

We saw & loved "Les Mis" long before we began ttc... Fantine's story, of course, was very different from ours... but listening to the words again, I couldn't help but think of those years of yearning, of loss, of crushing defeat & disappointment:

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in times gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung
No wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame
He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came
And still I dream he'll come to me
That we'll live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So much different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed
The dream I dreamed.

I dream new dreams now... but the hurt of the old, dead dream still lingers...