"Magic for Marigold" by L.M. Montgomery (re-read)

My L.M.   Readathon Facebook group just finished reading and discussing "Magic for Marigold," one of her lesser-known books, first published in 1929. (I read through the book on my own first, prior to when our discussions started on July 1st, and posted my original review here.) 

"Marigold" is six-year-old Marigold Lesley, who lives with her young widowed mother, Lorraine, her "Young Grandmother" and "Old Grandmother" at the Lesley family home, Cloud of Spruce (a Montgomery-esque name if I ever heard one!), on Prince Edward Island.  

Many elements of this story will be familiar to fans of Montgomery's other novels: beautiful descriptions of nature; witty dialogue and a sharp sense of humour; absent/dead parents; large, judgmental extended families headed by domineering women;  imaginary friends;  beloved cats;  faithful family servants... 

But -- I'll admit I (still, upon second reading) just don't find Marigold as "int'resting" (one of her favourite phrases) as many of Montgomery's other heroines. Perhaps because she's a child? (She's 12 by the time the book ends.)  There's not a lot going on, plot-wise, but there are some funny stories about Marigold's youthful scrapes and mishaps. There are also some wince-inducing episodes as Marigold navigates childhood and her "tween" years (facing fears, the cruelty of other girls, the adults who just don't understand...). 

Content warning:  Some dated attitudes and language here (regarding French-Canadians, for example). Also -- and I forgot to mention this in my previous review -- there's an episode concerning Marigold's terrifying encounter with a woman who has "not been in her right mind" since the death of her young daughter/only child a year ago (ugh!!). 

My initial rating of 3.5 stars on StoryGraph, rounded down to 3 stars on Goodreads, remains unchanged.   

(Next Readathon book TBA.)

This was Book #27 read to date in 2024 (and Book #3 finished in September), bringing me to 60%  of my 2024 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 6 (!) books behind schedule to meet my goal. :(  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2024 tagged as "2024 books."    

Friday odds & ends

• Lyz Lenz recently asked her "Men Yell at Me" readers "What do you think about having children?" To date, there have been almost 270 responses! Lyz's introduction to the topic:  

There is a lot of conversation in our culture about children and parenting, specifically the role of women who choose not to have children. Recently, Glynnis MacNicol wrote an op-ed for the NYT about the role she plays in the lives of the children of her friends. And it has me thinking about community, gender roles, expectations, and the declining birth rate.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about having or not having kids. Do you have them? Would you change anything? It is a dicey topic that sits at the fraught intersection of pain, grief, loss, politics, choice, coercion, and so much more. So, please keep your thoughts personal. No language like “people who do have kids are selfish” and vice versa.  

 

The discussion is for paid subscribers only, but I can tell you about some of the common themes.  

• Lyz's readers are generally a pretty thoughtful bunch. Even so, I was (pleasantly) surprised by the overall tone and variety of situations mentioned in the discussion.    
• There were a few parents who knew they always wanted kids, had a bunch, wouldn't trade, best thing I've ever done, looking forward to being a grandparent, etc. etc.  
• But even among the parents, there were tales of ambivalence, of not being able to have as many children as they had wanted -- or realizing that maybe one was enough -- and recognition/acknowledgement that parenthood is not for everyone and should not be imposed on anyone who really doesn't want it.  (Also, not a lot of fans of "mom culture.")  
• A surprising (to me) number of people who identified as non-parents, for a wide variety of reasons (related to both choice and circumstance).   
• There were also several comments pointing out that it's perfectly fine not to have children -- period.  Sample comment in this vein: 

I'd like it to be normalized that people who don't have kids don't immediately have to do the "but I love kids and I'm the fun auntie/uncle and I do a lot of good stuff in my community" routine. 

 

It's okay to have kids. It's fine not to. Just because you have kids doesn't mean you automatically add value to the community you live in, and just because you don't have kids doesn't mean you automatically are a deficit to the community.

• Washington Post advice columnist Carolyn Hax published a letter recently from a reader whose young daughter is being lavished with extravagant gifts of designer clothing from her elderly great-aunt. As an indulgent great-auntie myself who loves to shop for clothes for them (something I never could have envisioned, 25 years ago!), I can relate ;)  and I loved Carolyn's advice. 
• From the New York Times (gift link):  "The Politics of Motherhood Become a Campaign-Trail Cudgel." (Subhead:  The presidential race has exposed a fault line in American political culture over the deeply personal decision to have children.) 
• A personal essay in the Globe & Mail:  "Selena Gomez’s openness about her struggles with infertility help me talk about my own." (As always, beware the comments!)  Sample passage: 

The added element of shame that infertility carries can often make people hesitant to talk about it. In fact, I am hesitant writing this piece for the world – and so many people in my life – to discover this about me.

“Many people with infertility feel like they’re less valuable as a person because they can’t do what seems like a very basic human thing, which is to procreate,” says Jennifer Gordon, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Regina and director of the Reproductive Mental Health Research Unit. “People with infertility are also often bombarded by unhelpful advice or judgmental comments from others when they share.” [Note from Loribeth:  That's the understatement of the year, isn't it??] 

• A few weeks ago, I mentioned a presentation by Ali Hall on Medium Day titled "Why It's Important to Make Space for the Childless and Childfree." She's turned her remarks into a written post for both Medium and Substack, including a link to the video of her talk. Well worth reading and/or watching! (Ali is childfree by choice, but I find her pretty inclusive of the childless not by choice.) 
• Ruth Ben-Ghiat, who writes about threats to democracy in her Substack, Lucid, explains the roots of certain politicians' current obsession with childlessness and population management. (It's not pretty.)   
• From Jennie Agg at Life, Almost:  "Is taboo the right word any more?"  (Subhead: "What we don't talk about when we talk about miscarriage.")  Sample passage: 

There is, perhaps, an illusion of increasing openness that doesn’t match up to the way miscarriage is actually experienced. Stories of miscarriage tend to be told only in certain spaces, from a certain angle, from certain kinds of people. What’s more, talking about miscarriage is often presented as a self-contained solution, rather than one small part in bringing about actual improvements to medical care or any deeper, scientific understanding of this part of the human experience.

and 

If women continue to express shock, pain, and loneliness in response to what is widely acknowledged to be commonplace, that should be a red-light warning that something’s wrong with the system. It suggests that there is a gap between what people feel and need after a miscarriage and what society allows for...  what we are really saying – what we really mean when we call miscarriage a taboo – is: nothing has changed. You’re not listening to me. 

#MicroblogMondays: Small pleasures & annoying things

Small pleasures:  

• Finishing a book this weekend!  :)  
• Weather that's (still) mild enough to allow us to keep the balcony door open during the day. :)  
• Still being able to wear my capris & sandals when we go out. :)  
• Watching the leaves on the trees gradually turning colour. 
• Getting some new photos texted to us of Little Great-Niece. :)  

Annoying things:  

• Football.  :p  (Sorry, dh, but between college games, NFL & CFL, it's on ALL THE TIME right now, and I have absolutely NO INTEREST in it!) 
• (Small pleasure/revenge:  Figure skating season starts soon!!  lol)  
• The numbers on the scale that either refuse to budge or head in the wrong direction.... :p  
• Having to figure out what's for dinner. Every. Single. Night.  :p  Once in a while, I have a decided preference, but a lot of the time, I haven't got a clue (and neither does dh...!). All I know is I'll be hungry...!  lol  
• Not enough hours in the day sometimes... 
• Not being able to come up with anything different to post for #MicroblogMondays. ;)  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  

"Moonflower Murders" by Anthony Horowitz

I have a gazillion book club and readalong obligations at the moment.  Which book to pick up/focus on first/next?  

Naturally, my choice was... none of the above, lol.  But I did have an obligation/deadline of sorts (albeit entirely self-imposed). The first episode of the TV version of Anthony Horowitz's mystery novel "Moonflower Murders" -- a sequel to "Magpie Murders," which I thoroughly enjoyed (and reviewed here) -- was beginning on PBS on Sept. 15th, and I wanted to have the book read by then.   

Our heroine -- 40-something, childless Susan Ryeland -- has relocated to the island of Crete, where she and her sexy Greek boyfriend, Andreas, are running a small hotel together. The scenery is idyllic, but the challenges of running a business in a very different culture are definitely not.  The inn is desperately in need of repairs, money is tight -- and Susan misses London and her former career as a book editor (which came to an abrupt end at the conclusion of "Magpie Murders").  

Then a British couple, the Trehernes -- hotel owners themselves -- arrive with a strange story -- and a lucrative offer for Susan. A guest at their hotel, Frank Parris, was murdered on the same day as the wedding of their daughter, Cecily. One of Susan's former clients, a mystery writer named Alan Conway, knew Parris, and wound up using the murder as inspiration for one of his novels, "Atticus Pund Takes the Case," with several of the characters thinly disguised versions of the real-life people he met at the hotel. After reading the book, Cecily called her father to say she believed it proved the innocence of the man convicted of Parris's murder.   

And then Cecily disappeared. 

(Mild spoiler alert:)  Alan Conway died in the previous book ("Magpie Murders") -- and Susan knew him and his books better than anyone else. Can she use her knowledge of the book to solve the mystery of who really killed Frank Parris -- and find out what happened to Cecily?  

First, of course, she'll have to re-read Conway's book, to see if she can spot the same critical clue that Cecily did. Like "Magpie Murders," there's a book-within-the-book embedded in the pages of "Moonflower Murders" (two for the price of one, if you will!) -- the complete text of "Atticus Pund takes the Case," a classic "golden age" detective novel, a la Agatha Christie.   

I figured out one of the several whodunnits this book contains -- but there were some surprises, too.  :)  

I loved "Magpie Murders," and I loved this book too. Very cleverly executed and written -- and a whole lot of fun!  :)     

4.5 stars on StoryGraph, rounded up to 5 stars on Goodreads.

*** *** *** 

I didn't finish the book in time for episode 1 of "Moonflower Murders" on PBS last week, but I had read enough of it by then that there weren't any real spoilers. Episode 2 (of 6) airs tonight! I am enjoying the show as well as the book. Once again, Susan -- the wonderful Lesley Manville -- finds herself chatting with the fictional Atticus Pund (Tim McMullen) and taking advice from him as she tries to solve her own case. Once again, some of the actors play dual roles, showing up in Pund's story as well as Susan's, adding to the fun.   

Apparently there's a third Susan Ryeland book in the works -- "Marble Hall Murders," coming out in March -- and I'll look forward to reading that one too! 

This was Book #26 read to date in 2024 (and Book #2 finished in September), bringing me to 58%  of my 2024 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 6 (!) books behind schedule to meet my goal. :(  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2024 tagged as "2024 books."    

World Childless Week: Day Seven: Moving Forwards

Day Seven of World Childless Week 2024 is focused -- as it usually is -- on the theme "Moving Forwards."  

From the website description: 

What big steps or subtle differences have you noticed over the last year? Have you gone to a child heavy event and enjoyed yourself, or been prepared and confident to leave when it became too much? Have you spoken openly about being childless, made a small comment on a social media post that inferred negatively towards the childless, or approached a manager in work about inclusivity? Have you rediscovered old interests or just started to just feel better when you wake each day enlightened that you can now make new dreams? 

We still may sway sideways and backwards at times, but see those steps as part of your dance moving slowly and steadily forwards. 

The passage of time (20+ years!!) and looking back on certain milestones will often bring a shock of recognition of how things have changed, how far I've come and how differently I feel now than I did then. (One advantage of getting older is that fewer and fewer people ask and hint and prod you about pregnancy plans... although eventually, you start getting questions about how many grandchildren you have instead...!)

I think back to one particular incident, at Christmastime, a few years after we had thrown in the towel on infertility treatments, which showed me that perhaps I was further down the road of acceptance than I had realized.  I wrote about it here. 

Another measure of progress would be my increasing ability/willingness to enter a Baby Gap (or other baby clothing) store. Once, it was a source of pain, to be avoided. I eventually did get to the point where I could go in to buy a baby shower gift (even if was often just a gift card...!). These days, I love to go there (and other children's wear stores) to shop for Little Great-Nephew & Little Great-Niece -- albeit the little girls' racks still have the power to give me occasional pangs... 

There are probably other markers of progress that I've written about over the years, although I can't recall any other specific posts to share here with you right now. 

One thing I remember from our pregnancy loss support group days is that you never realized just how far you'd come down this road less travelled until someone new arrived, fresh and raw in their own grief. I still see that to some extent today when I read social media posts and responses from younger women who are new to the stunning realization that they will not have the children they assumed they would have. 

Check out today's content on the WCW site, including community members' contributions, and FIVE  free, live webinars related to this subject. They will be recorded and the links will be posted later on the Day Seven page for anyone who cannot make the live event. 

World Childless Week: Day Six: We Are Worthy

Day Six of World Childless Week 2024 is focused on the theme "We Are Worthy."  

This is a frequent WCW theme!  From the website description: 

Yes we are, and we need to keep shouting it to the point we believe it and so does everyone else. We were whole and wonderfully unique from the day we were born; having children does not equate to worthiness. We don’t need to achieve anything spectacular during our lives; just being kind can complete us and leave its mark. 

Today it’s time to sing your praises and tell us why you are worthy. 

Several years ago, there was an online summit for childless people during National Infertility Awareness Week on the theme of "We Are Worthy," and I wrote about it and my thoughts on the subject of worthiness here. I can't think of any other posts I've written about worth/worthiness in particular -- but I have pointed out plenty of examples of pronatalism and how the childless/free experience has been marginalized, when I've found them. I didn't know the term "pronatalism" when I first started this blog, so I started using the tag "mommy mania" -- the best I could come up with at the time. I've since re-tagged most of those posts as "pronatalism." 

The "bible" on pronatalism from a childfree (by choice) perspective would be "The Baby Matrix" by Laura Carroll (which I reviewed here).  A real eye-opener, and highly recommended!  

On the flip side, I suppose, would be the posts I've written about or touching on feminism, tagged as "the f word." I was brought up thoroughly steeped in the second-wave feminist messages of the 1970s (for good and for bad);  I have always believed and often said that I am more than my uterus. Unfortunately, that's still not the message that society tends to send us or the people around us....!  

Check out today's content on the WCW site, including community members' contributions, and three free, live webinars related to this subject. They will be recorded and the links will be posted later on the Day Six page for anyone who cannot make the live event. 

Odds & ends for the weekend

• They're at it again (eyeroll):  introducing Donald Trump at a rally in Michigan, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Governor of Arkansas and Trump's former White House Press Secretary, took an apparent jab at Kamala Harris for not having (biological) children (New York Times gift-linked article)(do these guys ever learn??): 

“...my kids keep me humble,” Ms. Sanders said. Then, mispronouncing Vice President Kamala Harris’s name, she added, “Unfortunately, Kamala Harris doesn’t have anything keeping [her] humble.”

• Happily, the backlash to Sanders' comments was swift, from some Republicans as well as Democrats. Perhaps they're starting to realize that maybe it's not wise to keep insulting women (50% of the population) and childless people generally (20% and growing)??  
• Lyz Lenz dubbed Sanders "Dingus of the Week" and "The winner of the Aunt Lydia Award for Lady Misogyny" in her "Men Yell at Me" Substack.  
• The hosts of "The View" -- including Sanders's former co-worker, Alyssa Farah Griffin -- had a few things to say. (Entertainment Weekly) 
• From "The Cut" (possibly paywalled;  I find that sometimes saving to Pocket and opening it there will make it readable):  "Conservatives Really Can’t Handle Kamala Being a Stepmom."
• An earlier article from The Cut: "Does J.D. Vance Regret His ‘Childless Cat Lady’ Comments Yet?"
• Ruth Marcus wrote a scorching critique in the Washington Post: "Sarah Sanders’s crude swipes at Kamala Harris notch a new low for GOP," (Gift link, and worth a read!) 
• Also in the WaPo (by Aaron Blake, gift link): "The Trump campaign can’t quit ‘childless cat ladies’."

...there are lots of voters out there whom these kinds of comments could alienate. That’s not just the 22 million women between 20 and 39 who don’t have children, but also the many stepparents and stepchildren... A 2015 Pew Research Center study found that 16 percent of children live in blended families. The logical extension of Vance’s and now Sanders’s comments is that these people have less to offer the country and a lack of perspective and humility.

And it’s not as if people like childless cat ladies are voters Republicans can just write off; an Ipsos study released last week showed they are only slightly less Republican than voters overall.

• And, from Sarah at Afterward Honesty's Substack, "I'm Childless. Here's What Keeps ME Humble." 
• A couple more articles on the "childless cat ladies" theme, both from a couple of months ago, but worth a read: 
• From USA Today: "Kamala Harris, Taylor Swift, Jennifer Aniston and when we reduce women to 'childless cat ladies'."
• From Forbes (!)(back in May, before the "childless cat lady" comments resurfaced):  "A Psychologist Debunks The ‘Crazy Cat Lady’ Myth." 
• From New York Magazine/Intelligencer:  "The Truth About the Right and IVF."  (Full of great lines!) 
• From ABC News (Australia): "Childlessness can cause a 'deep existential crisis'. What you say about it matters." 
• This one from the Guardian is relatable in SO many ways...!  "As our friends with kids become grandparents, it reignites the sadness of being childless not by choice." 
• Sample quote: "People who are childless not by choice know that as much as having children changes you, so does not being able to have children when you want them." 
• On a different topic altogether:  Lee Child interviewing Richard Osman in the Guardian is the conversation I didn't know I needed.  :)  Who knew that Osman envisioned the Thursday Murder Club character of Bogdan as "a suburban Sussex Reacher"??!  (I've never read Child, but I do know about Reacher.)  

Have a good weekend!  :)  

World Childless Week: Day Five: No Kids! Do You Want Mine?

Day Five of World Childless Week 2024 is about comments that hurt -- with a particular focus on the tired old "joke" "No Kids!  Do You Want Mine?" 

From the website description: 

How does this comment make you feel? Does it feel ridiculous or make you angry? Do they not think we may have considered adoption or fostering and their words could be opening up a whole can of worms? Should we say yes please, pack them an overnight bag and I’ll be around with a van to collect the rest of their stuff tomorrow! Is it simply cruel because of the disregard it shows for our situation, and the implication that their children could fill the hole left in our hearts at never having our own. 

Is it meant to be a joke, because I don’t hear anyone but the parent laughing?   

Needless to say, over 17 years, I've written a LOT of posts venting about the really dumb, hurtful things that people have said to me or within my hearing. :p  No specific posts that I can point to, but you would find some of them under the labels "annoying things" and "WTF?"  ;)  

Re: the specific question in today's theme:  I HAVE been asked that ("you want to take her??"). Even more annoying, it was someone who really should have known better (a fellow loss mom who had been through infertility and eventually adopted). 

Also: an online friend from my original childless living group once had someone ask her "the question."  She told us she enthusiastically responded, "Okay!" and knelt down to talk to the child. "Guess what, you're coming home with me!  We're going to have a lot of fun..." and blathered on in that vein until the mom hustled the kid away, with a few strange looks back at my friend, lol. (Well, she ASKED...!)  This was years ago, but I like to think she thought twice before asking that question again...!  

Check out today's content on the WCW site, including community members' contributions, and three free, live webinars related to this subject. They will be recorded and the links will be posted later on the Day Five page for anyone who cannot make the live event. 

World Childless Week 2024: Day Four: Childless Friend or Foe?

Day Four of World Childless Week 2024 is about friendship -- "Childless Friend or Foe?" From the website description: 

 Have you seen or felt the gap of friendship widen as friends become parents? Have you struggled to find mutual ground and felt pushed aside as they navigate to other mums, cancel dates or suddenly appear with a baby in tow when it was supposed to be a girl’s afternoon? Have you had a situation where a friend who you thought understood has suddenly made a comment or sent a photo that totally broke down the bond you had? Who was it who pulled away, perhaps you did and are happier for it; or maybe there is lasting sadness? Or have you stayed friends with someone who really has been there for you and tried to understand even when they truly don’t? Maybe you’ve reached out and reconnected with a past friend or created a whole new friendship circle. 

How do you feel about building friendships, are you confident to reach out to mums, the childless and childfree alike in order to build bridges and create understanding?     

This blog includes nearly 500 posts (!) labelled "family/friends."  Clearly, there's a lot to talk/write about when it comes to our friends and families, and how they support us -- or not -- as childless people.  It's also clear that I did not have the time nor the energy to comb through 500 posts in search of some good representative posts to share here...! 

I did, however, remember that I have written a lot of posts about the support I've received from childless women in online communities over the past 20+ years.. Some of them are tagged as "iVillage message board" and "SPALS email list."   

As I went through those posts -- and did a search specifically for posts about "friendship" -- I found a couple of posts that seemed worth noting:  

• From 2017: "It takes a village" 
• From 2018: "Social capital, adult friendships & childlessness"
• More recently, from August 2024: "#MicroblogMondays: Online friends are real friends :)"

Check out today's content on the WCW site, including community members' contributions, and two free, live webinars related to this subject. They will be recorded and the links will be posted later on the Day Four page for anyone who cannot make the live event. 

Plus ca change...

I didn't watch the Emmy Awards last Sunday night, but I've since seen the great clip of actress Candice Bergen recalling the run-in her famous character from the 1990s, Murphy Brown, had with then-Vice-President Dan Quayle when she became a single mother (gasp!!). "Oh, how far we've come!" she said wryly, to a huge reaction from the audience.  

“Today, a Republican candidate for vice president would never attack a woman for having kids. So as they say, my work here is done. Meow.”

This morning, I stumbled onto a Tracy Clark-Flory Substack essay that deftly connects the dots between "Murphy Brown," Dan Quayle, and the guy who wants to be his successor today: "A mockery of fathers." (Subheading: "Men like J.D. Vance hate ‘childless cat ladies' and single moms for the same reason: they challenge patriarchal values. Just ask Murphy Brown.")

It's been quite a while since I've seen "Murphy Brown," or those particular episodes (although I LOVED it, back in the day!) -- but thinking back, I remembered a detail that often gets overlooked when we talk about this storyline:  when Murphy tells the father -- her ex-husband, Jake Lowenstein -- that she's pregnant and she wants to have the baby, he essentially tells her that if she wants to do this, she's going to have to raise the baby alone, because he can't be there for them. In other words, if  Murphy is a single mother, it's in large part because the father declined to step up and play a part in raising their child. 

Likewise, the reason many women are childless is not because they didn't want a child, it's because they never found a suitable partner to have one with during their fertile years. Or the man they wound up with didn't want to have a child (or another child, if they already had children with a previous partner).  

So how is it that single motherhood and/or childlessness always winds up being the responsibility/fault of the woman?  

(I remember seeing a meme with men scolding women, "Have a baby!" Single motherhood, IVF, surrogacy... "No, not like THAT!") 

As the linked article above reminded me, the fictional character Murphy addressed Quayle's real-life remarks in the next-season opener. (She watches his remarks on TV from home while on maternity leave, clearly frazzled, bleary-eyed from lack of sleep, hair askew, grubby clothes... "Glamorizing single motherhood?  Do I look glamorous, Frank??"  she asks her friend Frank Fontana, who's there at the time.) She interrupts her leave to return to the FYI show to deliver a rebuttal to Quayle, which ends: 

Perhaps it’s time for the vice president to expand his definition and recognize that, whether by choice or circumstance, families come in all shapes and sizes... What really defines a family is commitment, caring and love.

By timely coincidence, CNN will be revisiting the "Murphy Brown" kerfuffle on Sunday night in the first episode of its new series "TV on the Edge." 

*** *** *** 

(P.S.1:  I remember using "kerfuffle" in a conversation at work once, near the end of my career. One of my younger coworkers couldn't stop giggling. She'd never heard the expression before, and thought it was hilarious. It made me feel even older than I was already feeling at work at that point. Is it really that unusual/dated a word??)  

(P.S.2: Speaking of dated, if, like me, you well remember "Murphy Brown," I'd advise you don't read the comments on Tracy Clark-Flory's piece, unless you want to be treated to comments like "I was too young to remember this..." or "I was only 7 when this happened..." !!!)  

World Childless Week, Day Three: The Importance of Pets

Day Three of World Childless Week 2024 is about "The Importance of Pets." From the website description: 

Why do so many of us find companionship and solace with our pets? Do you gather strength from their unconditional love or find comfort in being able to nurture and care for an animal? Do you see yourself as a fur-mum or hate the phrase? How do you feel when someone else tries to discredit the value of your pet or imply that somehow we don’t understand the difference between a child and an animal? 

What do your furry, feathered and scaly friends mean to you?  

I understand why so many people (with & without kids) have pets, and I am especially fond of dogs (so long as they're not too big!).  However, dh & I do not have and never have had pets during our nearly 40 years of married life -- although I briefly had a puppy and a turtle when I was a child, and we're constantly being told that we "need" to get a dog. (eyeroll)  I wrote posts in 2013 and 2017 explaining why we choose to remain petless. We do adore & dote on Older Nephew's miniature dachshund, now 8 years old. :)  You can find all my pet-related posts here. 

Check out today's content on the WCW site, including community members' contributions, and three free, live webinars related to this subject. They will be recorded and the links will be posted later on the Day Three page for anyone who cannot make the live event.

World Childless Week 2024: Day Two: Childless Person of Colour

Day Two of World Childless Week 2024 is about being a "Childless Person of Colour."  From the website description: 

Do you feel there are additional pressures on you as a childless person of colour? Have familial pressures, cultural norms or religious expectations added to the pressure of being childless? Have you met racial prejudice or discrimination alongside judgement? 

What do you encounter that is hidden from society that needs to be brought to the forefront and exposed?

This is obviously a topic that lies outside of my lived experience -- so I don't really have any relevant past content on this blog that I can point to. But do check out today's content on the WCW site, including community members' contributions, and three free, live webinars related to this subject. They will be recorded and the links will be posted later on the Day Two page for anyone who cannot make the live event. 

"Fletcher's End" by D.E. Stevenson (re-read)

My D.E. Stevenson fan group just finished our group reading & discussion of "Fletchers End," the sequel to "Bel Lamington," which we read together earlier this year (my reviews of that one here and here). I read through the book earlier on my own, and my initial review can be found here.

The book opens as Bel is busy with preparations for her wedding to her former boss, Ellis Brownlee, and hunting for the perfect house where they can begin their life together. Her friend Louise Armstrong discovers Fletchers End, an old home now for sale, conveniently near her own. The house has been sadly neglected, but the seller is "motivated" (as realtors say today) and the price is right. They buy the house, hire the current housekeeper/caretaker, and plunge into renovations -- but a visit from the previous owner, Roy Lestrange, casts an uneasy shadow over their happiness...  

"Fletchers End" includes many of the elements of a typical D.E. Stevenson novel. There's really not a whole lot that happens, and the story meanders from one episode/crisis point to another (with a happy ending practically a guarantee), but there are some lovely descriptive passages, gentle humour and well-drawn characters (although I still find Bel's friend Louise rather annoying!). This includes, of course, the house itself!  (apparently based on a real house that Stevenson's son lived in).  :)  And, as usual, our group discussion added to my appreciation of the book. 

(Annoying thing/Pronatalism alert:  The one caveat to that last sentence:  near the end of the book, after receiving some shocking news, Bel faints. I had to roll my eyes when one member of the group asked whether anyone else -- besides herself -- thought Bel fainted because she was pregnant. Many people agreed with her -- despite no other evidence that this was the case -- and were excited by the prospect of a pregnancy for Bel. Sigh...)(Pregnancy was, of course, how many books of the day about newlyweds ended, and fainting as a precursor to a pregnancy announcement was certainly a trope of the time, but...!)   

Content warning: Casual use of a racist expression in Chapter 10 that would be considered highly taboo today. 

My original rating -- 3 stars on Goodreads & StoryGraph -- still stands.  

Coming up next on our group's reading agenda: "Miss Buncle’s Book," first published in 1934, considered a minor classic by some today. (Start date TBA.) 

This was Book #25 read to date in 2024 (and Book #1 finished in September), bringing me to 56%  of my 2024 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 6 (!) books behind schedule to meet my goal. :(  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2024 tagged as "2024 books."    

#MicroblogMondays: It's World Childless Week! Day One: Our Stories

(Reposted with updates and additions from a previous WCW-related post dated September 12, 2022.)  

World Childless Week is here!  -- an entire week filled with inspiring and comforting things to read, watch, listen to and participate in, focused on a different topic/theme each day (and new material posted daily too). If you miss some of the live webinars, don't worry;  they are posted on the WCW website later in the day/week to be enjoyed and consulted indefinitely. (Previous years' WCW content is also available onsite -- what a great resource for our community!) 

As usual, I didn't manage to get my act together to write something new -- but I did participate in this year's very first webinar this morning! (more on that below!) -- and I'm always happy to promote WCW here. A couple of years ago, it occurred to me that I've already covered many of the WCW topics in my blog over the almost (gulp) 17 years I've been writing here. So each day this week, it will be my intention to post about the day's topic here, with some links to some of my own writing on the subject (if I have written about it in the past). (Some of the content I wrote for previous years' WCW summary posts may be repurposed for this year's posts.) 

Enjoy! :) 

*** *** *** 

Day One is focused on the theme "Our Stories" (as it usually is).  

Our voices are often unheard and dismissed and our stories are twisted by the media to reflect their desired outcome rather than the gritty reality we face. Society often assumes we all have issues that can be resolved through IVF, adoption and “just relaxing”. Our stories are important as they explain the reality of why we find ourselves as childless, the emotions we have to face and the grief that sits in our heart. If you are childless not by choice, due to infertility, circumstance, chance or tough choices, you can share your story here with confidence.  

We may not have travelled the same path but we’ve all arrived at the same destination; no matter how dark you have felt, we’ve been there too, and we understand. 

I'm a firm believer in the power of telling our stories (if only to each other, at least at first). Meetings of the pregnancy loss support group that dh & I used to facilitate would always begin by going around the room and having each person introduce themselves and tell us their story, what brought them to us. Sometimes (especially at first), the stories would be long, detailed and filled with tears. Over time, new details would emerge that we hadn't heard before. And we'd learn to develop a shortened "Reader's Digest" version of our story, which left more time for the longer stories (plus, over time, the "regulars" would all get to know each other and each others' stories pretty well, so it wasn't quite as necessary or important to go through all the details for the umpteenth time). 

Telling and retelling our stories to each other like this, week after week, in a supportive environment among others who had similar stories to tell, was good practice for handling those inevitable innocent questions and awkward encounters that all of us experience, sooner or later. In training sessions, we also learned that telling our stories, or some version of them -- over and over and over again -- helps us to process what happened. 

I think the same principles apply to our stories about our childlessness.  Our stories matter, because they're OURS, and because by telling them, we light the way for other childless women looking for support and comfort.  Our stories remind each other that we are not alone.  

This entire blog, of course, is my story :) (or at least parts of/a version of it) and it has evolved, along with my story, over the past 17 years.  A barebones, thumbnail version of my story can be found in the "About me" Blogger profile near the top of this page on the right-hand side (or in the link here). You can find a slightly longer version in the "About me" page (found just under the title/header of this blog). The "Timeline" page (link right beside the "About me" link) also gives you an idea of how my story unfolded and some of the significant dates & events. 

If you're really interested in all the gory details (and be forewarned, some of them ARE a bit gory, emotionally if not physically), I wrote a series of posts tagged "1998 memories" in which I relived my one doomed pregnancy, 10 years after the fact. I did the same thing with "The Treatment Diaries," all about our foray into infertility treatments, 10 years after we abandoned them and resigned ourselves to permanent childlessness. 

I also wrote a few posts shortly after I started this blog, where I told a condensed version of my story (up to that time): 

• Blogtivism: My Story (& how mandated coverage could have helped) (November 2007)
• How we made "the decision" (November 2007)

If you have some difficulty telling your story to others (and I know I have!) -- especially to parents who might not understand/appreciate the subtleties of involuntary childlessness -- take comfort in the words of Brene Brown -- who emphasizes the importance of telling our stories -- but also this:  

Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: "Who has earned the right to hear my story?" If we have one or two people in our lives who can sit with us and hold space for our shame stories, and love us for our strengths and struggles, we are incredibly lucky. If we have a friend, or small group of friends, or family who embraces our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and power, and fills us with a sense of belonging, we are incredibly lucky.

Check out today's content on the WCW site, including community members' contributions. Today's webinars -- "What Can We Learn From Our Family History?" featuring a conversation between Michael Hughes of the Full Stop podcast and yours truly ;) -- "Emotional Seasons of Childlessness" with Sandra McNicol and others; and "Childlessness and Childhood Trauma" with Juli Angelis, have all concluded, but were recorded, and the videos will be posted to the Day One page as well as the WCW YouTube channel, for anyone who missed seeing them live.  

*** *** *** 

I was up before dawn this morning -- it actually just started turning light outside when I logged onto the Zoom link just before 7 AM for our webinar about family history/genealogy and childlessness with Michael Hughes this morning (it was 9 PM for Michael in Australia! and 12 noon for Stephanie Phillips in the UK).  I'll admit I was a bit nervous, especially at first -- I've been around the childless community for a long time now, but haven't spoken much publicly about my experiences, especially under my full/real name!  But Michael & I could probably talk about this stuff all day (lol) ;)  and the hour went by pretty quickly.  We had, I think, 17 participants watching live at one point -- not bad for early morning on a work day! -- and a few questions in the chat and Q&A.  

If you watched (live, or later), I'd love to know what you thought!  (A special hello to anyone who found this blog as a result of the webinar/WCW!)   And if you have questions, you can ask them in the comments below, and I will try to answer.  

Here's a previous blog post with some background on how the webinar came about. :)   

You can find my other genealogy-related posts here. 

I'm particularly fond of this post from 2014, which tells the story of Aunt Maggie, who saved the letters that spurred my interest in my family history (and provided some valuable clues), and also includes the quote from George Elliot's novel "Middlemarch," which I read near the end of our webinar. :)  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  

Odds & ends for the weekend

• We had a great time last weekend at dh's cousin's cottage with the cousin, his wife, BIL & SIL.  The weather did not exactly co-operate -- it was chilly and rainy for much of the time we were there -- but we three women were able to get out for walks both days we were there (up & down a lot of hills and inclines, which had me huffing & puffing -- but we went at a nice pace, and I survived...!).  We also spent time out on the deck for a few hotly contested games of cornhole!  
• Unfortunately, within days of our return, the joint where my left big toe meets the foot was sore and slightly red. Gout -- almost exactly three years since my first encounter with it (same spot).  I suspect alcohol was the trigger. I didn't drink THAT much while we were at the cottage -- 2 drinks on Friday, 3 on Saturday and none on Sunday (mostly white wine) -- but I guess that might have been enough...!  (Sigh...)  If it's not better in another day or so, I will call the dr. I still have some naproxen left over from the first/last time I had it, but I suspect it might not be effective after 3 years, so I'm just taking ibuprofen for now. 
• Dh & I got out on the balcony this week and WASHED THE WINDOWS!!  It really didn't take us very long -- about an hour -- and it makes SUCH a difference!!  I like to do it around the same time the professionals wash the outside windows on the rest of the building (they won't come onto our balconies; those windows are up to us), but they didn't come this year until just before we left to visit my parents in mid-July, and since we got back, either the weather has not been cooperative or we've been busy.  
• I got a follow-up email today from the organizers of Monday night's Zoom call, sponsored by the new Alliance for Child-Free Voters (which I wrote about here and here). It included a link to the video recording of the call, and a list of resources (most of them childfree-focused).  
• If you're interested in watching the Zoom call, it's about 90 minutes long. Here's the link! 
• I responded to the email, thanking the organizers -- and then asking, nicely (I hope?), that they please, please, please consider including some speakers from the childLESS (not by choice) community on any future calls. I suggested a few names & provided a few links.  
• And I actually got a very nice email back, thanking me!  We'll see what happens! 
• Tomorrow, I'm having lunch with some local CNBC ladies -- all of us members of the private online Childless Collective community -- as well as one who's visiting the city from Washington State. I've only met one of these women before, and I'm looking forward to it! 
• Two GREAT pieces from Helen Lewis in the Atlantic re: J.D. Vance, childless cat ladies, and the most famous childless cat lady of all. ;)  (Gift links;  good for 14 days from today's date.) 
• "J. D. Vance’s Very Weird Views About Women"  
• "Taylor Swift’s Three-Word Burn of J. D. Vance" 
• From the Washington Post:  "Forget Trump’s IVF promises. The GOP’s record shows contempt for fertility care." (Subhead:  "As always, pay more attention to what politicians do than to what they say.") (Gift link.)
• Egg showers, anyone?? (New York Times article -- gift link.)(Now I've heard of everything...!)
• Glynnis MacNicol in the New York Times (gift link):  "I Love the Kids in My Life. And I’m Raising None of Them."  Excerpt: 

In America, there is a persistent, pernicious belief that the only way to be invested in a child’s life is to be a parent — and, for women, to give birth to that child. (Ella and Cole Emhoff, among others, would like a word.) In a country that offers so little support to parents, this often feels like a not-so-covert argument for taking women back to a time when they lacked control over their bodies and their finances.

Recently, the Pew Research Center reported that 64 percent of women under 50 who don’t have children say they “just don’t want to.” This has contributed to another round of hand-wringing about birthrates and childless cat ladies. What the seemingly inexhaustible discussion around this topic leaves out is that many people who say they don’t want to birth or parent children do have children in their lives — other people’s. We rarely account for that, nor do we give full weight to the fulfillment these relationships provide...

It’s difficult to understand why we are so parsimonious with our ideas of both a child’s capacity to love and an adult’s capacity to love children she is not parenting. Of course children benefit from being loved — the more, the better. But the reverse is also true. 

• And finally, a reminder that World Childless Week starts Monday! -- and Michael Hughes (of the Full Stop podcast) and I will be kicking things off with an early-morning (in North America, anyway! lol) Zoom webinar: "What Can We Learn From Our Family History?"  Hope to see some of you there!  (And if you're not an early riser, a recording will be available later on the WCW website and YouTube channel!)  Details and sign-up link in this previous blog post. 

Childless/free Seneca Falls?

Monday night, I watched the first-ever Zoom call organized by the new Alliance of Child-Free Voters (which I mentioned in a previous post) -- and I took lots of notes! 

The 90-minute call was recorded, and will be sent to everyone who registered, along with a poll/survey, relevant links, etc. (still to come). The host said she would also be sending the video to every politician in Washington D.C., as well as the state legislatures (yes!!). If/when I get a public link, I'll share it here.  

A couple of general observations from me:  While the invitation was inclusive to all non-parents, the call was almost entirely from the child-free (by choice) perspective. There were 10 speakers (including the host). All but two (who were parent allies) were from the childfree community. It would have been nice if childless people -- those of us who wanted/expected to have children but didn't, for many different reasons -- got more of a mention than we did. Still, we do share a LOT of the same concerns -- and the fact that we were having a call like this at all was certainly something to be excited about! Near the end of the session, the host called it "the Seneca Falls convention for childfree people," and it had that feeling, that this could be the start of something bigger.  

As the call progressed, I made a note to myself: "consciousness raising."  In the 1960s, feminists held "consciousness raising" sessions (and during the Vietnam war, students held "teach-ins"), where they explored the issues and developed the language around the issues they were trying to articulate.  Such sessions gave attendees information and a vocabulary to express what they were feeling and experiencing. A lot of what was being discussed at this session was not new to me, but then, I've been immersed in all things related to childless/free living for more than 20 years now. I sometimes have to remind myself that not everyone who is childless or childfree is aware of the broader cultural and political aspects of our lives in the same way that I am. 

Indeed, the host of the call, activist Shannon Coulter, began with a confession of sorts. She said she attended a Zoom call for white female Kamala Harris voters, shortly after the "childless cat ladies" comments made by a certain vice-presidential candidate resurfaced in late July. 

"My social media lit up like a Christmas tree, even some high-profile Republican women were mad," she said. And yet -- the topic never came up during the Zoom call she attended, which she found "astonishing." Coulter thought it was an oversight -- until she spoke to a childfree thought leader, who assured her no, it was NOT, and explained pronatalism to her  She realized that, beyond making comments in support of IVF, very few high-profile Democrats have specifically addressed the blatant hate speech being directed at people without children, who generally represent a "third rail" in American politics (and I would suggest, politics in many other countries as well!). Politicians who don't have children generally do not talk about it:  it's just not good for their careers to draw attention to it.  

Once Coulter realized this -- and just how big the group of voters without children is in the U.S. -- she was motivated to start organizing, with a focus that goes beyond just one candidate or a single election cycle.  Coulter, who is LGBTQ+, said she's drawing inspiration from that community in setting an agenda for childless/free voters:  

• Destigmatization: It's simply not acceptable that NO politicians are challenging the narrative and rhetoric against childless & childfree people, beyond support for IVF.  
• Visibility: We need to become part of the conversation.  
• Policy priorities: e.g., people without children often find their time is valued less than parents' -- particularly in the workplace. 

Here are some of my notes about what the other speakers had to say:    

Therese Schecter, filmmaker ("My So-Called Selfish Life"): 

• I've known all my life that I didn't want children. 
• This is not a "lifestyle" -- it's something much more profound. It's about reproductive freedom. Living an authentic life, despite the pressures to conform.  
• People without children are NOT some weird, deviant fringe group.  We are a growing and powerful demographic. We have a stake in the future too.  We pay taxes, And we vote!! 
  
• Pronatalism -- not just a conservative thing.
• "A woman in control of her own life is terrifying." 

Nadita Bajaj, Population Balance: 

• Grew up in India, came to Canada at age 17 with her parents. Home was a liberal haven, unconventional thinkers. Interested in environmental & feminist issues. 
• Confronted with pronatalism in late 20s:  I saw myself as a free thinker, and yet I thought everyone HAD to have children!  Never realized I had a choice, it wasn't inevitable. 
• Patriarchy & pronatalism are connected:  became institutionalized 5000 years ago. The more people/babies, the more power for politicians, businesses, etc.  
• Having children or not is not just a personal choice -- deeply political. 
• No coincidence there's so much pushback against the idea of smaller families/childfree. 
• Fertility can also be controlled the other way (forced sterilization, etc.), depending on the desired result. 

Kerry Graham:  

• Hated to admit to myself (let alone to others) that I didn't want kids  -- seemed like part of being an adult. Now proud to be childfree, but it took some time to get there. 
• Found communities that understand my experience & share my values. They exist, and they get it. 
• Two years ago, health crisis -- had to leave teaching. Felt less deserving to be here, less value than parents: don't have my own, can't care for others' kids. 
• Now 40 and refuse to let anyone make me feel ashamed. 
• "I deserve to be proud of who I am. I deserve to live in peace with who I am, and so do you." 

Dr. Angela Harris, No Bibs Burps Bottles:  

• My call to action:  Vote!  And bring your friends with you! 
• We fought too hard to be here today. We are making great strides, and we should celebrate and be proud, move upwards from here. 
• Words can hurt OR heal. 
• Great to mention support for IVF, but equally important to recognize a different choice. 
• 40-50% unlikely to have children. 
• All women need to unite for the greater good. We don't have to be at odds with each other (some are trying to create a gap between us).  
• BIPOC childfree women matter.  Before you know whether I have kids, you see my skin colour. 
• We (BIPOC) know there have been some dark & ugly periods in this nation's history. 
• Role models:  Oprah, Tracee Ellis Ross, Ava Duvernay. 
• You are great and your voice matters. 

Dr. Jennifer Watling-Neal & Dr. Zachary Neal:  

• We use data sets (from Michigan State University, CDC, Japan, USAID) to study stigmas & stereotypes re: childfree people, leverage the power of data to give childfree people a voice. 
• Exciting to see how many of us there actually are: 
• 10-20% of people in the U.S. are childfree (don't want and don't have children). That number is growing. 
• Other types of non-parents:  3-4% are childless.  
• Stereotypes:  you'll regret your decision.  Data shows that older parents (70+) express MORE regret than older childfree people. No weight to that argument! 
• Who holds these stereotypes?  Men (e.g., Vance), non-college graduates, parents or people who want to be parents in the future. 
• Political views:  Parents are more likely to be conservative/Republican, childfree much more likely to be liberal/Democrat. 
  
• Dobbs decision has led more people to identify as childfree:  20-21% before Dobbs, 26% after.  
• Childfree people feel okay about parents and other childfree people.  
• Parents think childfree people are okay. 
• BUT, parents REALLY love other parents!  Strong in-group favouritism, prefer to interact with other parents = childfree people get left out. 
• Childfree people are less satisfied with the neighbourhoods where they live than parents are. Their needs & preferences often ignored. Focus on "family friendly" neighbourhood events may be driving dissatisfaction. 
•  A lot of data available, tells a powerful story.  We have a lot of potential power.  
• More info available at www.thechildfree.org . 

Kat Calvin, Spread the Vote:  

• Raised by generations of well-educated feminist black women. 
• The world is driven by childfree & single women!  Most of your female heroes are likely childfree and/or single.  NOT unusual or weird! 
• We've been around throughout history:  more people need to understand that. 
• People think change is impossible. It only takes 3% of a population to make significant change. 
• We are in a place of power, we are not victims! 
• Need community and strategy. 

Dr. Amy Diehl & Dr. Leanne Dzubinski:  

Dr.Diehl: 

• Technically, now a parent ally.  Had a child in my late 40s, now 1 year old. 
• BUT, spent the previous 5 decades (most of my life) without children. 
• I would have termed myself ambivalent. Didn't really know if I wanted kids. 
• Have felt & experienced a lot of what you have described:  staying late at the office because no kids, odd person out in large extended family. Expected to do more. 
• Come from large religious community: certainly felt it there. Celebrations for marriage, babies -- nothing for me & my accomplishments. 
• Harvard Business Review article about how maternal bias affects women at work. 

Dr. Dzubinski: 

• Also a parent ally. 
• Leadership issue in faith-based world.  Large number of women without children there.  Noticed a difference between spoken & lived values.  
• Important to me that we respect & support each others' choices and shared humanity. 
• If you're female, you are seen as potential mother. 
• Lingering beliefs that men need to earn, women don't. 
• 4 biases/discrimination in the workplace: 
• Maybe baby: If you're a woman, you MIGHT have a child. 
• Do more:  If you're childless/free, you're expected to do more. 
• Pay less:  You're not supporting a family so you don't need more money. 
• Never quite right:  Parental status leveraged as an excuse for gender bias.  You can't win. Excuses to disguise flat-out gender bias. 

Dr. Diehl:  

• How to address bias & create a more equitable workplace for ALL of us. 
• Quick solutions: 
• Flexibility for all employees:  86% believe parents get precedence. Child-related reasons seen as more valid. But people without children are also caretakers -- and everyone has a life outside of work. 
• Equitable work:  Childfree people get dumped on with extra work. Must build in enough coverage for absences:  temporary/contract workers, overtime pay or stipend. Compensate existing employees for extra workload, release them from other tasks. Also: leaves of absence/sabbaticals for all. 
• Equal pay/pay transparency:  Pay based on qualifications, not parental status. Analyze parental status of employees and correct pay inequities. 
• Encourage men to be caregivers and take parental leave.  They need to be vocal when they need to leave early for child-related reasons and why. 
• We all must be allies -- not a zero-sum game (winners/losers).  
• There are many ways to contribute to society.