#MicroblogMondays: Odds & ends

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  Did you watch any of the World Childless Week webinars or read any of the submissions?  I will admit I quickly fell behind and am still trying to catch up on all the wonderful content -- which, luckily for us, is archived permanently on the WCW website.  
• The Independent (UK) posted a great (albeit brief) opinion piece in connection with World Childless Week last week: "We need to stop describing women based on their maternal status."  You will need to register to read the article.
• Between WCW, the federal election here in Canada last week (dh & I voted at an advance poll a week before the election day, and stayed up till midnight, watching the results), visiting Little Great-Nephew at his grandparents' house, and getting ready for (and then recuperating from...!) our cottage weekend, I am feeling a little swamped lately. I've been trying to catch up on everything that I've missed online while we were away (and failing miserably) -- blogs, social media posts, newsletters and emails, WCW content, a towering TBR (to be read) stack of books (both paper & digital), some with "deadlines" of online book club meetings and related screening dates of film versions. If I haven't commented on your blogs lately, I apologize!   
• It was, apparently, National Daughters Day on Saturday. And even though I had put it on my calendar after being overwhelmed by social media posts on the same day last year (here's my post about it), it kind of slipped my mind.... so I wound up being overwhelmed and annoyed all over again. After a few perfunctory likes, I just started scrolling quickly past any posts of beautiful happy smiling young girls and their proud moms. (Apologies if any of those moms were you, but there's only so much a bereaved childless mother can handle sometimes...)
• Related warning:  Apparently it's National Sons Day tomorrow (Sept. 28th). 
• Finally:  Anyone have any tips on pandemic air travel for me??  I may be putting them to use soon..!  ;)  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  

#MicroblogMondays: Cottage weekend

Dh & I just spent a fabulous weekend at his cousin's cottage/lake home, along with BIL & SIL. We're totally exhausted (not to mention stiff & sore from climbing up & down a long and steep set of stone steps leading to & from the lakeside dock...!), but we had a fabulous time. It was the first time since COVID-19 began 18 months ago that we've been away or spent any significant amount of time with anyone outside of BIL & his family (with the small and recent exceptions of that half-hour visit with PND and a couple of hours visiting stepMIL and family). We all get along well with this cousin & his wife, and it was SO NICE to be able to socialize and experience some normalcy again! 

All of us were fully vaccinated; dh's cousin works mostly from home, his wife is currently not working, their daughter is away at college (we Facetimed with her), and their teenaged son goes to an expensive private school that follows fairly comprehensive COVID protocols. The wife, SIL & I went on a tour of local artists' studios on Saturday afternoon, with many of the displays taking place outdoors, and masking and social distancing measures firmly in place.  The weather was absolutely glorious -- a little chilly (especially after sundown and before noon) but almost entirely clear and sunny. There was food, wine, board games, boat rides, walks down isolated backroads (where we spotted deer and wild turkeys), hot dog and marshmallow roasts (and s'mores -- would you believe I've never had one before?), and lots and lots of laughter.  :)  

There was also a lot of conversation: about the kids (of course...!), about family issues and dynamics (in both general and specific senses...!), about cottage life, about the corporate world and retirement, about perimenopause and midlife crises and why nobody talks about these things and why women's health issues are largely ignored, under-studied and under-funded. 

Sitting on the dock on Sunday afternoon as our visit drew to a close, SIL mentioned Younger Nephew and his wife are seeing a fertility specialist (which dh & I already knew). :(   Cousin's Wife mentioned that (as dh & I had suspected at the time) she had struggled with secondary infertility after their first child was born and she was on the verge of seeing a specialist herself when she miraculously got pregnant just before the appointment (of course, right?!). 

But that got ME talking too -- a little -- about my own infertility experiences. I agreed with SIL & Cousin's Wife that Younger Nephew and his wife are still young and have time and options, but emphasized that it was a good thing they were tackling the issue now, and also that they shouldn't feel railroaded by the doctor/clinic into doing anything they weren't comfortable with. I even said that we had considered adoption but found it to be a far more complex matter than most people realize, and ultimately decided it was not for us.  It wasn't the full story, by far, but still, I don't think I've ever spoken that frankly to one of dh's family members about these things before, not even to SIL. 

And, while I didn't speak very much about the childless experience specifically, it did not escape me that it was still World Childless Week. Knowing that thousands of other childless women were being brave enough to go public with at least some aspects of their own stories this past week gave me some courage to reveal a little more of myself to the people around me as well.  

I was proud of myself.  ;) 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

We spent a lot of time sitting out here, enjoying the view 
and the peace & quiet. 
(Occasional boat traffic excepted.)  

Taking a walk down a road less travelled.  ;) 
(Lots of deer and wild turkeys sighted.
It's Crown land/a wildlife preserve... no hunting permitted.) 

World Childless Week, Day Seven: Moving Forwards

Day Seven of World Childless Week  -- the final day -- is focused on "Moving Forwards:" 

When did you know you’d started to move forwards? Did you wake up one morning and decide today was the day to makes changes or did you reflect over the last year and see subtle differences? Perhaps you accepted an invite to an event that you would have previously declined attending? 

What has changed in your life and how does it make you feel?

Whenever anyone asks me this question, I think back to one particular incident, at Christmastime, a few years after we had thrown in the towel on infertility treatments, which showed me that perhaps I was further down the road of acceptance than I had realized.  I wrote about it here. 

Another would be my ability/willingness to enter a Baby Gap store. Once, it was a source of pain, to be avoided. I eventually did get to the point where I could go in to buy a baby shower gift. These days, I love to go there to shop for Little Great-Nephew, albeit the little girls' racks still have the power to give me pangs... 

There are probably other markers that I've written about over the years, although I can't recall any other specific posts to share here with you right now. The passage of time and looking back on certain milestones will often bring a shock of recognition of how things have changed and how differently I feel now than I did then. One advantage of getting older is that fewer and fewer people ask and hint and prod you about pregnancy plans... although eventually, you start getting questions about how many grandchildren you have instead...!  

One thing I remember from our pregnancy loss support group days is that you never realized just how far you'd come down this road less travelled until someone new arrived, fresh and raw in their own grief. I still see that to some extent today when I read social media posts and responses from younger women who are new to the stunning realization that they will not have the children they assumed they would have. 

Check out today's content on the WCW site, including community members' contributions and several  live webinars -- including several that will explore creativity and self-compassion. Stephanie Phillips, WCW founder, will also be hosting a live webinar on "Ways to Remember and Release the Grief of Childlessness," at 7 p.m. UK time/2 p.m. Eastern Time in North America. All webinars will be recorded and uploaded to the Day Seven page for anyone who cannot make the live events. 

(Unfortunately, that would include ME, lol -- we will be up north for a weekend at dh's cousin's cottage.  But I will look forward to catching up when we get back home!)  

World Childless Week, Day Six: We Are Worthy

The Day Six theme of World Childless Week is "We Are Worthy." 

Do you feel worthy, or has society and the increase of pronatalism made you feel unworthy? Do we need to change our own narrative before we can rediscover the worth we hold as unique individuals, independent of our circumstances? What makes us worthy as a human being, the ability to give birth or a heart that is supportive, encouraging, open-minded, loving and caring? 

It’s time to explore and celebrate our worth.   

Three years ago, there was a summit for childless people during National Infertility Awareness Week on the theme of "We Are Worthy," and I wrote about it and my thoughts on the subject of worthiness here. I can't think of any others I've written about worth/worthiness in particular, but I have pointed out examples of pronatalism and how the childless/free experience has been marginalized, when I've found them. I didn't know the term "pronatalism" when I first started this blog, so they're all tagged "mommy mania," which was the best I could come up with at the time. Someday, perhaps, I'll go through them all and change them!  (There's 140+ of them, so I'm not in any rush!  lol)  

On the flip side, I suppose, would be the posts I've written about or touching on feminism, tagged as "the f word." I was brought up thoroughly steeped in the second-wave feminist messages of the 1970s (for good and for bad);  I have always believed and often said that I am more than my uterus. Unfortunately, that's still not the message that society tends to send us or the people around us....!  

The "bible" on pronatalism from a childfree (by choice) perspective would be "The Baby Matrix" by Laura Carroll (which I reviewed here).  A real eye-opener, and highly recommended!  

Check out today's content on the WCW site, including community members' contributions and several  live webinars. All but one of them will be recorded and uploaded to the Day Six page for anyone who cannot make the live events. 

(Unfortunately, that would include ME, lol -- we will be up north for a weekend at dh's cousin's cottage.  But I will look forward to catching up when we get back home!)  

World Childless Week, Day Five: Have You Considered Adoption?

It's Day Five of World Childless Week, and today's theme tackles the ever-popular question (NOT) "Have You Considered Adoption?" 

So many of us (too many of us) have had this comment thrown in our face without any consideration of our feelings. How did it make you feel and how did you respond? Did you tell the truth or laugh it off, because sometimes that is the easiest response? Did you try to adopt and face unexpected hurdles, criticism and heartbreaking endings? Was adoption a conversation that split your relationship? 

It’s time to tell the truth about why this comment hurts so much.

Most of my posts on this subject (including reviews of relevant books I've read and movies/TV shows we've seen) have been tagged "adoption."  In particular, I would point you to this post from 2015, in which I expound (at some length) on "The A word: Why we didn't adopt."  

Check out today's content on the WCW site, including community members' contributions and a live webinar at 7 p.m. UK time/2 p.m. Eastern Time in North America titled "Oops! I Completely Forgot About the Adoption Option, Thanks for Reminding Me" (lol), hosted by Stephanie Phillips, founder of World Childless Week, and featuring a stellar panel -- including Jess of  Finding a Different Path (and formerly My Path to Mommyhood)!  This webinar will be recorded and uploaded to the Day Five page for anyone who cannot make the live event. 

(Unfortunately, that would include ME, lol -- we will be heading up north for a weekend at dh's cousin's cottage at that time.  But I will look forward to watching when we get back home!)  

World Childless Week odds & ends

SO. MUCH. GREAT!!! stuff out there for World Childless Week... to be frank, I am having trouble keeping up with it all! Good thing that it will all remain on site for the days, weeks, months and years to come (past years' content is also still available). I expect to be going back to read things and watch videos for a long time...!  

In addition to all the wonderful essays, poems, webinars and podcast episodes available on the WCW website (and if you haven't done so already, you really do need to check it out -- there's new material being added every day this week), here are a few other WCW-related things I've run across so far this week... we're starting to move awareness of WCW and involuntary childlessness into the mainstream media, and that is FABULOUS. 

• The "Life Matters" radio program on ABC in Australia did an hour-long episode/podcast -- an intelligent and sympathetic discussion -- on the topic of "Being childless in a world that encourages people to have kids."  Along with a psychologist and medical expert, the host takes some listener calls from childless-not-by-choice people, including Michael Hughes of The Full Stop podcast and Sarah Roberts of The Empty Cradle.  
• The Telegraph (a prominent UK newspaper) featured a first-person article by CNBCer Kat Brown about World Childless Week and "How the childless women of Instagram helped me come to terms with never having a family." You will need to register in order to read the article but trust me, it's worth it...!  ;)   
• World Childless Week was featured on @allontheboard, which posts inspirational messages on whiteboards in London Underground stations. Here's a link to their WCW Facebook post. 
• Beware some of the comments, in which, curiously, people talk about the grief of... secondary infertility/having just one child. Secondary infertility is certainly another form of disenfranchised grief... BUT... as someone commented on the Gateway Women forum, it's WORLD CHILDLESS WEEK... "Time and place, people!!" 
• I have not watched this yet myself... but "The Clan of Brothers," a Facebook group for childless men, held a video discussion on the topic of legacy.  There's so little out there for the childless men in our lives, I am sure this is well worth watching! 

I am waaaaayyyyyyy behind on reading & commenting on other blogs... hoping to catch up soon! 

World Childless Week, Day Four: Men Matter Too

Day Four of World Childless Week is focused on the topic "Men Matter Too."  

What is your childless story? Are there aspects you have hidden because that is supposedly “what men do”? Have you buried your emotions, to support your partner, or dismissed them as unimportant? We need to change the narrative and ensure every male voice is just as loud as every female. 

As with the Day Two topic (Childlessness and Sexual Intimacy), I have not written a lot about my dh's perspective on these things -- it's MY blog, and (although I've occasionally asked him if he'd like to do a guest post!) he doesn't want to be in the spotlight --it's not his "thing" -- which is fair, I think. I can't think of any particular posts I've written that are focused specifically on this topic, although I've you may find some relevant material under the label/tag "marriage/dh." 

I should say that dh was actually the one who first suggested we should become facilitators for the pregnancy loss group we attended -- and we wound up doing it for 10 years!  Our particular group/chapter was able to attract -- and retain -- more men than the groups in other parts of the city/province, simply because they knew that at least one other guy would be there. I can think of a couple of guys who occasionally came to meetings by themselves, without their wives (albeit once they'd already attended and gotten to know us and what the group was all about -- not for their first meeting!). 

Check out today's content on the WCW site, including community members' contributions and a live webinar at 7 p.m. UK time/2 p.m. Eastern Time in North America. Kevin Davidson of Mindful Masculinity will be discussing "Beware the Fatherhood Bonus," particularly related to the workplace. This webinar will be recorded and uploaded to the Day Four page for anyone who cannot make the live event. 

World Childless Week, Day Three: Leaving a Legacy

Day Three of World Childless Week is about "Leaving a Legacy." 

Legacy feels connected to blood; the bloodline that we can’t or won’t continue. Do you feel sad or guilty that: your family name, traditions and collectibles ends with you? Why does the pain of not being able to pass something on hurt so much? 

Perhaps you’ve found a way to lessen the pain or create a legacy in a new way; through teaching, sponsorship, art and creativity, innovation, gardening, charitable work or donations etc? 

"Legacy" (including the practical matter of "what's going to happen to my stuff?") has been something I've struggled with over the years. Longtime readers will know that my family (my mother's side in particular) generally has a keen interest in its history, and I'm one of the main cousins researching our family tree(s). I've already decided that if no one from the younger generation shows sufficient interest in the subject, I will donate my genealogy files and old family photos to the local museum in the county where my grandparents lived. They already have several important items from my family in their collection (one of my second cousins is on the museum board), and they are a valuable resource for research into local families. 

I've written posts in the past about passing on my grandmother's class ring and pearl necklace to my cousins' daughters (one a disappointing experience and the other more satisfying), and my vintage stereo and vinyl LP collection to Older Nephew (here and here).  

And this is one of my favourite posts that I've ever written, I think, about my childless spinster great x3 aunt, and the legacy she left us. It's a great reminder that we will never know exactly what sort of a legacy we might leave or the impact we might have on future generations, even when they're not our direct descendants. 

If you're interested in delving into some of my other back posts on the subject, I recently added a new tag, "legacy" to some of the relevant posts I was able to find. I will tag more as I encounter them. 

Other tags that might point to relevant posts of interest include "aunthood," "genealogy" and "getting older." 

Check out today's content on the WCW site, including community members' contributions and a couple of live and pre-recorded webinars/discussions on this subject. The first, at 7 p.m. UK time/2 p.m. Eastern Time in North America, is hosted by Kirsty Woodard and Patricia Faulks, about setting up an AWOC (aging without children) advocacy group. The second is at 8 p.m. UK time/3 p.m. Eastern Time in North America, hosted by Jody Day of Gateway Women -- one of her regular "Fireside Wisdom for Childless Elderwomen" chats with an amazing group of older childless women. These webinars will be recorded and uploaded to the Day Three page for anyone who cannot make the live event. 

World Childless Week, Day Two: Childlessness and Sexual Intimacy

Day Two of World Childless Week is focused on "Childlessness and Sexual Intimacy." From the website description: 

Do you feel like your body has failed you or have you been able to forgive, accept and love you body again? Has your relationship suffered and fallen apart or have you found strength in each other? Does the aspect of being childless for any reason play on your mind in connection to new relationships and physical intimacy? 

This is probably the one topic I haven't written much about -- mainly because it's so very personal -- not to mention that it involves someone else, i.e., my dh.  I have certainly written about feeling like my body failed me, albeit I can't think of any one particular post on the subject, offhand, that I can link to here. 

There are posts on this blog tagged "marriage/dh" and "our wedding/anniversary," in which I reflect (in some of them, at least) about our relationship and how it's been affected (for better and for worse) by infertility, loss and childlessness. 

Check out today's content on the WCW site, including community members' contributions and a live webinar on this subject at 7 p.m. UK time/2 p.m. Eastern Time in North America, hosted by Jody Day of Gateway Women and featuring a great panel of notable members of our community.  It will be recorded and uploaded to the Day Two page for anyone who cannot make the live event.

World Childless Week, Day One: Our Stories

The fifth annual World Childless Week kicks off today!  and Day One is focused on the theme "Our Stories."  

No matter what anyone has said to you (including your own inner critic) your story is important. The dreams you had to become a parent: the struggles of trying to conceive, the sadness of not meeting a partner, the life choices and circumstances that restricted or denied your opportunities. The harsh reality of knowing you’d never be a parent; the anger, anguish, confusion and grief. 

These are the stories we need to share and yours are the words that need to be heard.

I'm a firm believer in the power of telling our stories (if only to each other, at least at first). Meetings of the pregnancy loss support group that dh & I used to facilitate would always begin by going around the room and having each person introduce themselves and tell us their story, what brought them to us. Sometimes (especially at first), the stories would be long, detailed and filled with tears. Over time, new details would emerge that we hadn't heard before. And we'd learn to develop a shortened "Reader's Digest" version of our story, which left more time for the longer stories (plus, over time, the "regulars" would all get to know each other and each others' stories pretty well, so it wasn't quite as necessary or important to go through all the details for the umpteenth time). 

Telling and retelling our stories to each other like this, week after week, in a supportive environment among others who had similar stories to tell, was good practice for handling those inevitable innocent questions and awkward encounters that all of us experience, sooner or later. In training sessions, we also learned that telling our stories, or some version of them -- over and over and over again -- helps us to process what happened. 

I think the same principles apply to our stories about our childlessness.  Our stories matter, because they're OURS, and because by telling them, we light the way for other childless women looking for support and comfort.  Our stories remind each other that we are not alone.  

This entire blog, of course, is my story :) (or at least parts of/a version of it) and it has evolved, along with my story, over the past 14 years.  A barebones, thumbnail version of my story can be found in the "About me" Blogger profile near the top of this page on the right-hand side (or in the link here). You can find a slightly longer version in the "About me" page (found just under the title/header of this blog). The "Timeline" page (link right beside the "About me" link) also gives you an idea of how my story unfolded and some of the significant dates & events. 

If you're really interested in all the gory details (and some of them ARE a bit gory, emotionally if not physically), I wrote a series of posts tagged "1998 memories" in which I relived my one doomed pregnancy, 10 years after the fact. I did the same thing with "The Treatment Diaries," all about our foray into infertility treatments, 10 years after we abandoned them and resigned ourselves to permanent childlessness. 

I also wrote a few posts shortly after I started this blog, where I told a condensed version of my story (up to that time): 

• Blogtivism: My Story (& how mandated coverage could have helped) (November 2007)
• How we made "the decision" (November 2007)

If you have some difficulty telling your story to others (and I know I have!) -- especially to parents who might not understand/appreciate the subtleties of involuntary childlessness -- take comfort in the words of Brene Brown -- who emphasizes the importance of telling our stories -- but also this:  

Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: "Who has earned the right to hear my story?" If we have one or two people in our lives who can sit with us and hold space for our shame stories, and love us for our strengths and struggles, we are incredibly lucky. If we have a friend, or small group of friends, or family who embraces our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and power, and fills us with a sense of belonging, we are incredibly lucky.

Check out today's content on the WCW site, including community members' contributions and two live webinars. The first, "Telling Our Stories: From Hurting to Healing" with childless therapists Sarah Roberts and Judy Graham, will likely have ended by the time most of you read this; but the second, "Releasing Our Grief Through the Power of Words," begins at 2 p.m. Eastern Time in North America.  Both webinars will be recorded and uploaded to the Day One page for anyone who cannot make the live event.

World Childless Week starts tomorrow!

The FIFTH annual World Childless Week starts tomorrow!  -- an entire week filled with inspiring and comforting things to read, watch, listen to and participate in, focused on a different topic/theme each day (and new material posted daily too). If you miss some of the live webinars, don't worry;  they are posted on the WCW website later in the day/week to be enjoyed and consulted indefinitely. (The past four years of amazing WCW content is also available onsite.) 

As usual, I didn't manage to get my act together to write something new -- but it occurred to me, as I scanned this year's topic list, that I've covered many of these things in my blog over the almost (gulp) 14 years I've been writing here. So each day, I'll post about the day's topic here, with some links to some of my own writing on the subject (if I have written about it... and in many/most cases, I have...!). 

In a case of great minds thinking alike ;)  Mali did something similar on her No Kidding in NZ blog recently. You can read her post here, which contains links to relevant past posts she's written.   

Enjoy!! 

Friday odds & ends

• Dh & I had haircuts back in our old community this morning. I was starting to feel a little shaggy -- it's been 7 weeks since our last cuts (we couldn't get appointments for when we wanted them last week) -- but hey, what's 7 weeks versus 17, right??  Amazing what a little perspective can do for your mindset, lol.  ;)  
• We made a stop at the cemetery, where this time ;) our only companions were a huge (and annoying) flock of Canada geese. 
• The area around the cemetery -- once farmers' fields -- is starting to fill in with dense new housing developments, with rezoning signs indicating there will be more to come. The road will soon need to be widened to accommodate higher levels of traffic. I suppose it's considered progress, but I will miss the way it used to be -- the feeling of heading out for a drive in the country.   
• Remember how thrilled I was to score tickets to "Hamilton" for May 2020?  And my disappointment when the run was cancelled after just a few weeks (well before May), because of COVID-19?  :(  I got an email recently that "Hamilton" will be returning to Toronto -- and because I let the theatre hang onto my money thus far, I will get first dibs on tickets once they go on sale again. The catch is that "Hamilton"'s run won't begin until February...2023 (!). (SURELY we'll be done with COVID-19 by then??)(Won't we?) The theatre's policy is that all audience members must be fully vaccinated, which makes me feel a little better about the prospect.  No word yet on when tickets will become available. It's a start...! 
• The deadline for submissions to World Childless Week is this weekend -- Sunday, August 29th!  See the website for more information on making a submission based on one of this year's daily themes. You can also participate by filling out a survey on your childless experience and/or taking and sharing an #IamME photo. And you can also enter a draw for some pretty nice giveaways (lots of great books!). 
• (Once again...!) I haven't been able to think of anything to submit for WCW that I haven't already written about here on this blog  :p  so I most likely will not be participating that way. But I am happy to promote the week in advance and while it's going on. :)  Expect to hear more about WCW here during the week of Sept. 13th!  :)