"The Wedding People" by Alison Espach (re-read)

I hugely enjoyed "The Wedding People" by Alison Espach the first time I read it, back in February 2025, and I immediately pegged it as a book my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club would likely enjoy, as it features that rare creature: a childless-not-by-choice heroine!  Happily, my co-host read the book and agreed!  and our group will be reading and chatting about "The Wedding People" throughout the month of October.  :)  I just finished re-reading it in preparation for our discussions, and (spoiler alert! lol)  I enjoyed it just as much the second time around.  

At first glance at the cover and description, you might dismiss this one as a "beach read" -- after all, it takes place during a lavish week-long "destination wedding" at a swanky oceanside resort hotel in Newport, Rhode Island. But there's more to the story here.  

Phoebe Stone arrives at the Cornwall Inn without luggage, dressed up in a green silk frock and gold high heels. We soon learn why she's there. **CONTENT WARNING & SPOILER ALERT** She's always wanted to stay at the Cornwall, and she's flown there from St. Louis on the spur of the moment to treat herself to one last big splurge -- before she commits suicide. Her husband has left her, for someone she thought was a friend (a colleague AND a mother to boot!), following repeated (unsuccessful) rounds of IVF and a miscarriage. She just turned 40.  She's also struggling with job burnout and -- the final straw -- the death of her beloved cat.    

But while checking in, Phoebe learns the entire hotel (apart from her suite) has been booked for a lavish, week-long wedding party.  Almost immediately, she's drawn into the lives of "the wedding people," and, in particular, the self-centred, chatty young bridezilla, Lila.

So -- much more than a standard "beach read."  The book touches on a lot of sensitive themes/realities that the many readers will relate to (especially childless women), including some sharp observations about marriage and weddings, grief and loss, friendships and how they change over time. But it's also a fast and often very funny read that kept me turning the pages.  

Overall, I (still) loved it. :)  My original rating for this book was 4.5 stars on StoryGraph, rounded down to 4 on Goodreads. "5 stars was very tempting," I said then. 

This time around, I'm giving into temptation:  5 stars.  :)   

This was Book #26 read to date in 2026 (and Book #1 finished in September), bringing me to 65% of  my 2026 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 40 books. I am currently 1 book behind pace to meet my goal. You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2026 tagged as "2026 books."  

Odds & ends

• Anyone else feeling overwhelmed by the sudden onslaught of prom, graduation and last day of school photos on social media this week??  (In Canada/North America, anyway -- I know different countries have different school year calendars!) It's been going on in dribs & drabs over the past month or so, as the school year wound down, and I've been doing OK so far -- but today/tomorrow is the last day of school hereabouts, plus lots of grads & proms this week, and it's like I've reached the saturation point…! 

• Mel is marking a big milestone over at Stirrup Queens! Go over and congratulate (and thank) her!  

• Sue Fagalde Lick at "Can I Do it Alone?" recently landed in the hospital :(  Go wish her well and read some of her posts from the past month about what happened and what childless seniors living alone can do to better cope with these crises. 

• On a related note:  Jody Day was interviewed about her Alterkin project, aging as a childless person, and aging generally, as part of an article on aging in The Atlantic! Here's a gift link for "Americans Are in Denial About Elder Care." (Not just Americans...) 

• Jody Day also flagged this thought-provoking article from "The Shift by Sam Baker" -- a guest post from Kim Willis:  "Stop calling me 'child-free'." 
• I wrote a similarly themed post in the early days of this blog, almost 19 (!) years ago (and have returned to the subject several times since then):  "Am I childLESS or childFREE?"

• Nora McInerny reminds all of us who take photos to "Get in the picture." (That includes those of us without kids -- a subject I have written about in the past -- here, for example.)  

I’m only asking you to consider that with the exception of the worst people in the world, life is tragically short. Someday, you will look upon this version of yourself and see yourself through new eyes. Eyes that might need bifocals or cataract surgery, but eyes that still work well enough to see that you, with that rogue chin hair or the jeans that Gen Z TikTokkers are trying to bully you out of wearing are more beautiful than you know.

Someday you will long for the version of you that exists today, however flawed you believe her to be. Give future you something to marvel over, grab your Cybershot, and get in the picture.

• “Everything happens for a reason.” Or does it?  Lexi Weber Johnson at "Not Expecting" explains why this is not a helpful thing to say to someone who is grieving. 

Underneath the “everything happens for a reason” line is something more universal: a discomfort with uncertainty. We want life to make sense. We want outcomes to add up. We want suffering to belong to a larger story. Because the reality that some things simply happen, full stop, is harder to bear.

• Jennie Agg at Life, Almost says "I can't keep up." (She is singing my song...!)
• Jennie also has thoughts on "Trimester Zero" (!). ("Let's not do this.") 
  

• I haven't quite lost all my elders yet -- I still have my dad, and most of my dad's siblings, and my maternal uncle's wife, and several of my mother's cousins (and am thankful for every day I still have them all in my life). But I found myself nodding vigorously as I read Cyndie Spiegel's post from "Life, Created" ("v. 70 One Day You Realize That There's No One Left to Ask"). 
• I have been feeling this keenly since my mom's death in January, and the task of sorting through several generations' worth of possessions. More and more, I feel my past slipping through my fingers and receding into the distance. And I'm mourning that loss alongside the loss of my mom.  

Recent odds & ends

• World Childless Week (WCW) has announced the daily topics for WCW 2026 (Sept. 14th to 20th).  Learn more about WCW 2026 and how you can get involved here.   
• In a blog post for the World Childless Week website, Gayle Letherby offers "Some Reflections on Being ‘Other'." 
• Lana Manikowski at "Infertile and Childless: So Now What?" poses an important question: "When IVF Fails Again and Again: How Do You Know When Enough Is Enough?" 
• Lexi Weber at "Not Expecting" shares five observations about infertility (including that "Infertility makes you weird at brunch").  
• PJ is "In Transition" -- and yes, PJ, this all definitely sounds familiar!!  (Read her post and a few of my latest, and you'll understand why...!)  
• Every now & then, a long-dormant blog on my blogroll will pop to the top of the list with a new post. "Tips on Triplets" re-emerged recently with a post ("Trauma Chameleon") looking at the lingering effects of loss and trauma, 15 years later. 
• Y'all know I love the Flavia de Luce novels by Canadian author Alan Bradley. Sadly, I learned through one of my book clubs (where we read the first Flavia book together which was happily very well received!) that Bradley died on May 19th at age 87. How he managed to channel an 11-year-old girl (from 1950s UK -- when he'd never set foot there before he wrote the first book!) so incredibly well will remain a mystery...!  
• Very happily, he left one final Flavia novel for us:  "Numb Were the Beadsman's Fingers," available on Nov. 3rd.  :)  Also, "Flavia" the movie (based on the first Flavia book, "The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie") will be released in North America on Dec. 4th! (It's been out in the UK since early April.)  

The little wooden chest

Right after I told my mother over the phone, that day in March 1998, that I was pregnant,  she started shopping. It wasn't long afterward that she excitedly told me about the bargain she'd found and snapped up from an an end-of-season clearance rack -- an adorable little furry white bunting bag. She mentioned other things she'd found too -- a cute little outfit, a Beatrix Potter/Peter Rabbit cup, a book.  She mentioned gifts from friends and neighbours, including handknit or crocheted items. 

After we lost Katie, I remember her wiping away tears at my kitchen table one day and whispering, "Someday I'll show you all the little things I bought."  

One of the next times we visited there, there was a new addition to the bedroom where we usually slept:  a small wooden chest with a nature scene painted on top that my dad had won in a charity raffle.

I knew immediately what was inside. 

Over the years, I did open the lid and take a peek a couple of times, but didn't have the heart to start pulling things out or rummaging through them.  

Almost 28 years passed -- and we never did go through the contents of that little chest together. 

And then my mom died in January.  

My sister asked me if we were going to take the little chest home with us, and offered to keep it for us if we wanted it.  I knew getting it home would be a problem -- obviously, it wouldn't fit into a suitcase! -- and where would we put it here?  I told her I would go through the chest myself and decide what to do with it and its contents.  

I did it one day when we were there last month, during the week she was at work in the city and I was by myself upstairs in the house, going through boxes and boxes of stuff. It was now sitting in the adjacent empty bedroom next door, as the usual room was now empty of furniture and being used as our work/sorting area.  I pulled the chest into the middle of the room, sat down on the floor, took a deep breath, and started taking things out and taking photos of each item.  

Dh found me sitting there a while later, tears rolling down my face. 

The chest was not as full as I'd remembered. I suspect Mom had quietly given a few of the items away over the years. (I knew that a little sweater and cap set, knit by a kind neighbour, now dead, went to Little Princess #3, as I wrote here at the time, almost three years ago now. Her mom, Parents Neighbours' Daughter, sent me a photo of her wearing it.)  

The bunting bag was there, a little jacket in bright primary colours, a (very few) little outfits. The Peter Rabbit mug.  (I thought there had once been a matching bowl that went with it, but it was not there.)  A book.  A program from the All Saints Day service at our church, where Katie's name was among the loved ones who had died during the year (dh & I attended, and I sent a program to Mom). Mother's and Father's Day cards sent during my pregnancy, with excited notes from me inside and, in one, a photocopy of my ultrasound scan photo.  (I found a couple of similar cards that my grandmother had saved, which I'd completely forgotten about, and broke my heart to read.)  An invitation to the baby shower that was never held, from the hostess (dh's Cousin/Neighbour's Wife, who enclosed a warm personal note expressing how excited she and her two little girls were about the prospect of having a baby in the family nearby). 

Separately, we also found a still-wrapped package in a drawer (that I think had once been in the chest?) from one of Mom's friends, wrapped in baby-appropriate paper with a small card "For Baby from L."  I brought it home with me too. I still haven't opened it. (It feels like a baby book.)   

I kept the wrapped package, one of the little outfits, the book, the Peter Rabbit mug (which now sits in my china cabinet), and the cards, and brought them home with me in my suitcase.  I bagged the rest of the clothes and told my sister she could donate the bag somewhere, as well the now-empty chest.  

Here are photos of some of the things I found:  

The little wooden chest. (It looks huge here, but it wasn't.) 

The painted top. 

With the lid open. 

A colourful little springtime jacket. 

The bunting bag/snowsuit. :( 

The tag inside read, "Little Miracles."   :(  

Some lovely friend or neighbour knit this beautiful little hat/cowl. 

The Peter Rabbit mug. 

This is the outfit that I kept. 

Outfit #2. 

Outfit/ensemble #3. 

A book. 

In two weeks of letting a lot of treasured things go, this was one of the very hardest. 

#MicroblogMondays: Dark shadows

Little Great-Niece's 3rd birthday party was this past weekend. We hadn't seen any of the family in a full month, so it was great to see everyone and catch up.  

While we were chatting, Older Nephew's Wife mentioned to SIL that she was going to her cousin's baby shower the next day (Sunday/yesterday). Then I caught the ominous words:  "...high-risk pregnancy... the baby is small... issues..."  

SIL rushed to assure her that the doctors had told her Older Nephew was going to be a small baby -- and he was born at more than 8 pounds (and is now 37 years old and more than 6 feet tall). 

Older Nephew's Wife wasn't sure exactly what the problem is, but she knew that it's a high-risk pregnancy, there are  problems, and not simply a matter of the baby measuring small for dates. 

I've met this cousin a couple of times -- a friendly, vivacious young woman, who bonded with dh over their shared love of the Pittsburgh Steelers. I asked what hospital she was going to have the baby at (ONW wasn't sure). 

After that, I kept my mouth shut, and the conversation moved on to other topics.

I don't want to be the dark shadow, the voice of doom. And so often, these things DO turn out all right. Most people do get their ultimate happy ending. 

But I'm living proof that sometimes (more often than most people think or want to imagine) they don't. And it's not an experience I would wish upon my worst enemy.

She will be in my thoughts until I know the baby is here and both are fine. 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.

Accumulated odds & ends

I haven't been that diligent about compiling notable stuff I've read lately, but for what it's worth, here are a few links!  (Some are a little dated, but no less readable!) 

• Have any of you seen the movie "Hamnet" yet, or read the book it's based on, by Maggie O'Farrell? I have done neither -- yet -- although I would like to partake of both. (For one thing, I think Paul Mescal is an amazing young actor.)  
• An online group of loss mothers that I belong to were debating whether to see it or not -- drawn to the themes of grief and loss of a child, and yet wondering whether it would hit a little too close to home? 
• I really appreciated the perspective offered in this post from Jennie Agg, who writes a Substack about pregnancy loss and grief called Life, Almost, about "Hamnet" the movie, and whether it's "grief porn" (as some are apparently describing it). 
• **NOTE: there are spoilers about the movie, including specific scenes and how they unfold. Also, Agg has a living child.**
• Excerpt: 

...for me, the film’s presentation of loss and grief is nuanced, considered, grounded in something true.

...What do we mean when we dismiss something as ‘grief porn’? I guess it’s implying something gratuitous, debasing, bordering on shameful.

Which is interesting when you consider the way many bereaved parents today often describe being made to feel, shamed into silence: it’s too much, we don’t need to hear it.

• Anne Helen Petersen (childfree by choice) -- whose Culture Study community has moved over from Substack to Patreon -- has been giving a lot of coverage to infertility and childless/free topics recently. A couple of highlights (I'm not sure whether some of these may be paywalled?):  
• A series of occasional posts titled "Big No-Kids Energy," about the joys of not having kids. 
• Here's the kickoff post where Anne explains what the series is about. 
• Anne has interviewed several childfree & childless people/couples for the series about their no-kids life. The most recent subject was Cathy, who is 60-something and childless not by choice, but making the most of things. She was a delight to read about. :)  
• A Culture Study podcast episode featuring a standup comedienne, about being a "childless freak" (!) that will have you nodding! The comment section is worth a read too.  :) 
• An earlier podcast episode (from back in early February) about "The Heartbreaking (and Largely Unregulated) Business of IVF."  A lot of what's discussed would not be surprising to many of us, but it might be an eye-opener for people not intimately acquainted with the fertility industry.  
• I made a comment that's received the most "likes." In part, I said: 
  

One point I will take exception to:  the comment that "IVF works! -- it's very effective."  IVF is still (almost 50 years after the first IVF baby was born) very much a crapshoot.  Your odds of success might be better if you're in your 20s or early 30s -- and/or if you have the money and stamina to endure multiple cycles -- but once you hit 40,  they drop like a stone. There are many of us out here who went through infertility treatments and did not wind up with a child. You just don't hear about us. Clinics certainly don't want to acknowledge our existence, and patients currently in treatment don't want to hear about us either. 

I would also add that most clinics are abysmal at providing emotional support & counselling to their patients going through treatment -- and even less is available for those of of us who aren't successful. Even a referral to an outside counsellor, or a pamphlet listing resources we might consult would be helpful.  Any support I got was entirely the result of my own research.  

• Carrie Hauskins, who is childless after pregnancy loss and infertility, writes at Blooming With Care about the matter of "Heirlooms for No One" -- dealing with things from a childless aunt, as well as wondering about her own stuff after she's gone (something I think about a lot, especially as my childfree sister & I go through the painful process of emptying out our parents' house...). Excerpt: 

I told her we weren’t having kids, and when she said I could pass down her things to my children, I didn’t correct her. She knew the truth. And she still gave me her things. If she didn’t want to believe that her lineage of items will end with me, that’s her problem to work through, not mine. She was aware that I’m a dead end in our family's genealogy. 

 

...Legacy used to mean what I would pass down to my children. Today, it means deciding what to do with the ring once I melt it down. It might not mean the same thing five years from now. But for today, I think of my kooky aunt and her curmudgeonly way of life. I might not inherit her moods, but I do love the quirky jewelry. I do plan on having an eccentric estate sale. One that people line up for early in the morning and wraps around the block. Would my aunt love that? Who knows? It’s my legacy.  

• Katie Dunn at Afterglow (childless after infertility) ponders a question that doesn't get enough attention --"IVF doesn't work for everyone. So when do you stop?" -- and explains her own process for making that difficult decision. 
• Katie Hawkins-Gaar at My Sweet Dumb Brain writes movingly about grief, nine years after her first husband's death:  "The Grief Math Changed This Year." 
• "Anyone Can Be an Auntie. It’s a State of Mind," proclaims a New York Times Magazine article by Maya L. Kapoor. 

"Ex-Wife" by Ursula Parrott (re-read)

"Ex-Wife" by Ursula Parrott is the February choice for my Childless Collective Nomo Book Club. I first read this book in November 2023, when Lyz Lenz (an ex-wife herself) chose it for the book club she ran as part of her Men Yell at Me Substack newsletter (which has since moved over to Patreon). You can find my original review here (which includes more background and some interesting links about the book & the author).  . 

I'd never heard of this book, but it was a best-seller when it was first published -- anonymously -- in 1929, and actually more successful at the time than "The Great Gatsby" by F. Scott Fitzgerald!  It was republished in 1989, and again more recently, along with a new biography of Parrott, "Becoming the Ex-Wife" by Marsha Gordon. 

The plot:  Patricia and her husband Peter, both in their early/mid-20s, live and work in New York City. They have a busy social life, and an open marriage -- but when Patricia sleeps with Peter's friend, he (hypocritically) calls her a slut and leaves her for another woman. Patricia moves in with another "ex-wife," Lucia, and embarks on a life filled with parties, cocktails, speakeasies and men, all the while hoping to win Peter back. 

"Ex-Wife" is both dated -- a portrait of a very specific time and place -- and yet strangely familiar to modern readers.(In some ways, it made me think of "Sex and the City."). It was considered shocking/scandalous in 1929, with its frank depictions of "career women" indulging in smoking, drinking, extra-marital sex and one-night stands, as well as miscarriage and baby loss, abortion, rape and domestic violence. It won't appeal to everyone, but it's worth a read if you're interested in the period, or in forgotten/ignored books written by female authors, showing the complexities of women's lives. I appreciated the honest portrayal of a woman learning to roll with the unexpected punches of life, and the way the women support each other throughout the book. And, needless to say, the story of a woman who is suddenly faced with rebuilding her life and finding new meaning and purpose, certainly resonated with me!  

3.5 stars on StoryGraph, and (after some internal debate) rounded up to 4 on Goodreads. 

ALI alert: abortion, baby loss and coping with other women's pregnancies. 

This was Book #1 read to date in 2026 (and Book #1 finished in January), bringing me to 3% of  my 2026 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 40 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 2 books behind schedule to meet my goal.  :)  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2026 tagged as "2026 books." 

Pre-Christmas odds & ends

• Counting down to Little Great-Nephew #2's birthday party, and our flight west for Christmas... 
• I mentioned our most recent plumbing issues in my last post, and that I wound up taking a shower in the second bathroom for the first time in nearly 10 years (!). 
• What I didn't mention was that the tub walls are quite high,  my left knee is rather stiff and it was a bit of a step to get in and out. And I slipped and banged the back of my left thigh, just above the knee, on the edge of the tub as I was getting out. 
• It ached briefly, but I didn't think much about it -- until dh, seeing my bare leg on Wednesday morning as I was getting dressed (three full days after I banged it), said, "You've got a big bruise back there!"  I ran to the full-length mirror. 
• Sure enough, there was a big purple blotch, about the size of my palm.  Greeeaaaat... Cue the anxiety and the consultations with Dr. Google:  "Flying with a bruise."  (Yikes.) 
• Since then, I've been taking ibuprofen and using an icepack a couple of times a day to attempt to reduce the swelling and attempting to elevate the leg when I'm sitting (albeit that can be awkward...!). I bought (and began using) an arnica-based gel that's supposed to help relieve muscle aches and bruises, etc., a neoprene compression sleeve that fits over the knee and covers the bruise, a wrap-around tensor bandage (in case the neoprene sleeve feels too tight), and a pair of compression stockings (that only go up to the knee). I've been trying both wraps out at home and will probably wear one of them on the plane. 
• Any tips for me??  
• (Like I need one more thing to worry about...!) 
• (For what it's worth, dh thinks it's looking a little better than it did on Wednesday? But it's still very much there...) 
• I've discovered an alternative to the dearly departed Pocket! Anne Helen Petersen of Culture Study has been recommending Instapaper to her readers as a way to get around paywalls for at least some (if not all) weblinks.  I signed up, downloaded the app to my phone, and gave it a try with a couple of links. Worked like a charm. :)  I was even able to import my Pocket links (which I'd downloaded to my laptop before Pocket's demise). 
• Another alternative I'd been using that often works:  Archive Today. 
• Timely:  A friend from the Childless Collective shared this article from British "agony aunt" Philippa Perry: "My 10 rules for a happier Christmas."  Applicable for everyone, but childless people who are often torn over what to do about the holidays will likely appreciate some her advice. 
• In "2025 Childfree Trending," Laura Carroll -- author of the groundbreaking book on pronatalism, "The Baby Matrix" (reviewed here), offers some thoughts on the state of pronatalism in 2025, and the positive developments in the childfree movement, including online community building, and the growth in the number of businesses that are marketing to non-parents.  
• In Life Without Children, Charlie Brown explains "Why We Must Stop Assuming The Fertility-Challenged Eventually Get Their “Miracle Baby”."  (Hear, hear!!)  
• Also in Life Without Children, Charlie Brown also explained "Why I Want To Help Break the Silence That Surrounds Infertility." (While I'm not as likely to talk openly about my experiences, I could relate to just about everything Charlie wrote!)  
• Katie Dunn at Afterglow describes what it's like "When every friend has a baby" and "How I went from feeling left behind and left out, to grateful and thriving." 

Do you know the feeling? That sharp, visceral sting when your heart aches for something you don’t have, while everyone around you celebrates exactly that? For anyone navigating infertility or baby loss, being the only non-parent in your circle can be absolutely brutal.

• This Toronto Star article gave me the heebie-jeebies. :(  "She wanted a natural pregnancy and childbirth. It ended in tragedy." (Gift link.) 
• Also in the "heebie-jeebies" category (but worth a read):  "They Answered an Ad for Surrogates, and Found Themselves in a Nightmare." (Gift link.)
• The New York Times's Modern Love column explores "Why It’s Best to Imagine the Worst" and why "I can't imagine" is one of the worst things you can say to someone.  
• Subheading:  "After learning devastating news about our young son, we needed to feel connected to friends and family, not just exist beyond their imagination."
• A recent post by The Nomo Book Club Substack features "A collection of non-fiction books that are building a community of non-mother voices."  I've read many of these books myself (and others are in my massive to-be read pile). Worth checking out!  
• This was followed up more recently by another post about "solo NoMos":  "A collection of memoirs by solo women who are embracing lives outside the mainstream narrative." I've read and can enthusiastically vouch for several of the books on this list. 
• And Lisa Sibbett at The Auntie Bulletin posted about "The Best Novels I Read in 2025." There's actually a lot more than novels listed -- 70 books in all!  And coincidentally, or not, many of them are relevant to aunties, chosen family and friendship. (I see at least a couple that I've read and loved!) Enjoy! 

#MicroblogMondays: Odds & ends

• 
  Lana Manikowski at "Infertile and Childless. So Now What?" nails it in "The Grief That Comes Without a Funeral." (Italics & boldface from the original text.) 

Here’s what few people understand: infertility grief isn’t just about a failed IVF cycle or a miscarriage. It’s about the futures we already built in our imagination. The baby names we whispered. The vacations we dreamed of as a family. The family photos we pictured on holiday cards. Every negative test isn’t just a single “no.” It’s another lifetime quietly slipping away, one no one else even knew existed. That’s why it feels so heavy, because you’re mourning futures no one else will ever acknowledge. There are no condolences. No casseroles. Just silence.

• "On the Outside," Y.L. Wolfe tells it like is: "Childless Women Do Not Need Your Unsolicited Advice."  Subheading:  "Yes, we've considered all the options, and no, we don't want to talk about it with strangers."  PREACH!! 

Small excerpt: 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The truth is, childless women make people uncomfortable. We’re living proof that life doesn’t always go the way you want it to. Our very presence inspires people’s worst fears and thus, I suspect, they feel unconsciously desperate to comfort themselves by acting like this is a problem that could easily be fixed.

• Y.L. Wolfe's writing is always great, but (as an amateur genealogist) I especially loved this article she wrote for Medium (which may or may not be paywalled?):  "The Unexpected Branching of a Childless Woman’s Family Tree." (Subhead: "Expanding the meaning of legacy for women who didn’t get the chance to have children.")  Excerpt: 

I don’t believe for a moment that our line ends here. That our existence won’t still reach as far into the future as it does into the past.

Branches will grow out from us, whether we have children or not.

and 

It’s important to remember that legacy isn’t just about biology...  you’re passing on parts of yourself to everyone you come across, whether you are related to them or not... there are countless ways to pass down your family values, your ideals, your wisdom, mostly in a manner that cannot be quantified or measured.

In fact, you’ll likely never know the impact you have made on the people in your life and the ripple effect that will have long after you are gone, on people you’ll never meet.

Legacy is a much bigger concept than we’ve been led to believe.

• Ali Hall at "Life Without Children" ponders "Why We Need To Change the Language Used for People Without Children" (subhead: "And all the ways 'childfree' and 'childless' are used against us"). (Not sure I like her proposed alternative... the quest continues...!)  
• This wasn't the first post I read musing about language choices for those of us living without children, and I'm certain it won't be the last...!  In fact -- the third post I ever wrote for this blog -- back in November 2007! -- explored a similar question:  "Am I childLESS or childFREE?" 

• Well worth a listen:  Jody Day chats with Zoe Noble of  'We Are Childfree" (which is both a Substack and a podcast, available on many podcast platforms, such as Spotify). 

• Not ALI-related, but another thoughtful & interesting piece from Charlie Angus at "The Resistance," about the most famous political assassination in Canadian history (not that there have been a lot of them -- and thank goodness for that!). I thought some of you might find it interesting! 
• As I mentioned in this post from 2017 (about a trip to Ottawa), as a high school senior taking part in the Rotary Club's Adventure in Citizenship program, I was being driven to Parliament Hill on the first morning, and the man driving me pointed to a street corner in passing and said, "Over there is the spot where where they shot D'Arcy McGee."  I had only a hazy idea of who D'Arcy McGee was at that point, but his remark stuck with me, and I looked him up when I got home, (We passed by the plaque marking the spot on that 2017 trip -- the same one pictured in the Substack post -- and I took a photo of it. We also had dinner at D'Arcy McGee's pub, also mentioned and pictured in the post.)  
• I vividly remember the other assassination mentioned, which took place 100+ years later, in October 1970 -- the "October Crisis," in which separatist terrorists kidnapped Quebec cabinet minister Pierre Laporte and British diplomat James Cross in Montreal, and murdered Laporte. (Cross was released.) I was 9 years old at the time, and one of my school friends told us Laporte had been beheaded (!). Her father was an RCMP officer, so we figured she would know. (He wasn't; the poor man was strangled.)  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

#MicroblogMondays: Odds & ends

• 
  "I had an accident," my 86-year-old father sheepishly confessed over the phone on Sunday afternoon. (!!!)  VERY thankfully!! he's fine!  
• However! -- the wall between the garage and the laundry/mud room of the house is not. :( 
• He was bringing the car into the garage when it started raining on Friday. His foot slipped on the brake and the car crashed into the wall. (!)  :(  There is a sizeable dent in the wall that I am told you can see daylight through. (My sister was there this weekend, and has promised to send photos.) 
• Funnily enough, the car came through with barely a scratch too. 
• It will probably cost several thousand dollars to repair the wall -- money that my parents do not have to spare. ("Dust off your chequebook,"  my sister told me grimly.)  My sister's partner has boarded up the crash site to keep out the cold, rodents, etc., until it can be fixed.   
• The potentially good (?) news to come out of this is that my parents have agreed to add their names to the waiting lists for seniors housing in several different places in town this week -- something we've been wanting them to do for several years now. 
• I always thought it would probably take a crisis of some sort to get them to move. I'm just glad it wasn't something worse! 
• Big changes to come in the next few months/year, I think...  :(  
• World Childless Week is over and (sadly, as is often the case for me), I still haven't read or watched very many of the wonderful offerings now available on the WCW 2025 website. If you haven't yet done it yourself, go have a look! 
• I did manage to post something every day during WCW about the daily theme and any relevant posts I've written, all tagged "WCW 2025." 
• Seasonal allergies haven't bothered me much in recent years -- and when they have, it's usually in late May/early June. But this past week or two, I've been suffering through violent sneezing fits, scratchy throat & ears;  itchy, burning, sticky eyes; fatigue.... ugh. I've been taking Claritin daily since this started, which usually does the trick... I'm feeling somewhat better this weekend (fingers crossed...!), but it sure took its time kicking in...!  
• I know everyone advises you to close the windows & run an air purifier, but I hate to do that when it's been so nice outside (and the time that we can do that is rapidly dwindling, as temperatures start to drop...!). 
• I was so sad to hear that Robert Redford died this past week. (How was he 89?!!).  
• I fell in love with Redford at age 12 when I saw him (and Paul Newman! -- were there ever two more gorgeous men on screen, together or separately??) in "The Sting." (I didn't get to see "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" until several years later, on TV.) 
• My sister & I saw it with our two cousins, while our parents watched "Blazing Saddles" -- rated R -- in an adjacent theatre. And "The Exorcist" was playing in the theatre right next to ours.  I remember my cousin pressing his ear against the wall to see if he could hear people screaming, lol. 
• A few years later, my mom took my sister & me to the drive-in theatre -- on a school night! (such was the power of Redford back then...!) -- to see "The Great Gatsby." (But first, we had to sit through "The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad" -- what a double bill!!)  
• We saw "The Way We Were" around the same time.  And, in the years that followed, "The Great Waldo Pepper," "All the President's Men" (which I wrote about here), "Three Days of the Condor," "Sneakers," "The Natural," "Out of Africa" (saw that one on one of my birthdays), "The Horse Whisperer," and so many more -- not to mention the amazing movies he directed -- among them "Ordinary People," "Quiz Show," and "A River Runs Through It." 
• I was reminded of a popular dessert from the 1970s (which my mom still makes from time to time). It was commonly known as "Better Than Sex"(lol) -- but on my Mom's recipe card, it's called "The Next Best Thing to Robert Redford" (or simply "Robert Redford"), lol. 
• I realized the minute I mentioned this dessert, someone was going to ask for the recipe -- and while I think I have a copy somewhere, I took the easy way out and Googled, and sure enough, up it popped. If this isn't the exact same recipe my mom had, it's pretty close!  Enjoy! 
• ALI note:  Did you know Redford and his first wife Lola lost their first son Scott to SIDS in 1959?  He was just two months old. :(   (His parents were in their early 20s.) He also lost his second son, James, in 2020, to cancer, when James was 58.  
• They don't make 'em like that anymore... 
• While dh watched the first NFL game of the season on a recent Sunday afternoon, involving his beloved Pittsburgh Steelers, I blocked out the cursing and yelling (lol) by catching up on some podcast episodes, including a couple from The Full Stop.
• I also listened to episode #71 -- the one I appeared on with Sandra McNicol in February, talking about childlessness and pregnancy loss. (I posted about it here.) This was the first time I'd actually listened to the finished episode on audio only, although I'd watched a video recording the day after we recorded it. Maybe it was because I was actually just LISTENING and not WATCHING myself on a screen too, or maybe enough time has passed, but it was (thankfully!) not as difficult to listen to at this point..
• Y.L. Wolfe muses "This Is Why We Hate Childfree Women"  ("we" = society). (The answer is in her subhead:  "They represent everything the patriarchy fears.")  
• British podcaster and author Elizabeth Day had an article in The Guardian recently about a life-changing call with a psychic. (There's an ALI angle.)  
• I've been following Charlie Angus's Substack, "The Resistance," for a while now. Charlie is a year or two younger than me, a punk rocker in his youth (!) who still plays in a band, and who was, until recently, a member of Parliament from the New Democratic Party (NDP), representing the riding in northern Ontario where he was born. He's been one of the most vocal and effective advocates for a strong, independent Canada in recent months. 
• This particular post is about the Group of Seven (a group of influential 20th century Canadian artists), and how Tom Thomson's famous painting "The Jack Pine" personifies and symbolizes the country and our spirit of survival and resistance. 
• As a proud Canadian, and a member at the McMichael Canadian Art Collection, which has a large holding of Group of Seven artwork, this one struck a chord. ;)  
• I appreciated this Substack post from Garrett Bucks at The White Pages about social media and the role it plays in building community, for good and for bad:  "The Internet is Killing Us." 
• In a similar vein:  I'm an unpaid subscriber to Katherine May's Substack "The Clearing," and while most of this post -- also about social media -- is paywalled, I completely agree with her thoughts in the portion that's visible (particularly the second paragraph I've quoted here):  

I was one of the true believers in the early days of Twitter, and I’m still grateful for so much of what I’ve found and learned across the various platforms I’ve been on. But I think, on both a personal and professional basis, social media has become unmanageable. It’s addictive by design, primed to draw us into tribalism and conflict, and - unless your creative practice is making short videos - a major distraction from the work that matters.




And yet; and yet. I’m averse to the view that social media is uniformly evil or dangerous; I still believe that it can bring isolated people together in a way that we’ve never seen before. I don’t think I’ll ever be the kind of author who does no socials at all. I love the opportunity to be in contact with the the people who read my books and with other authors. I often think of how unnerving the author’s life must once have been before we could do this: sending out books into silence, and perhaps waiting months for any response.




So I remain on social media, but in a far more controlled way than I once did... 

I've been trying (trying!) to wean myself away from social media a bit, especially the mindless scrolling. I still have a Twitter/X account, but rarely go on there. I'm on Bluesky & Threads, but try to limit the time I spend scrolling there. I am not on TikTok. 

On Facebook, I generally just go straight to "Feeds/Friends," where I only see content posted by my friends. (There's a feed for "Groups" too.)  Depending on the friends (lol), I may not may not be interested in or agree with what they post (but that's where the "mute" button comes in handy, lol), but the "Friends" feed is much more curated than just scrolling through the random stuff in the general feed, and I get to see more of the stuff that matters to me -- i.e., my friends' posts -- which is what I came to social media for in the first place.  

• Infertile Phoenix has noticed a substantial increase in the number of views her blog has been getting lately, and asked readers to indicate if they're human (or bots?).  
• Someone commented on Phoenix's post to say it was probably "'referral spam—fake visits that try to show up in your Google Analytics so you’ll click the link or buy their “traffic” service. It’s noise, not real customers.'" That's good to know. 
• I don't often look at my stats -- I've never been one to worry about increasing readership and getting clicks, etc; I'm just happy if people who are looking for support and want to feel less alone find my blog. 
• But I was curious, so I had a look. Sure enough, there's been a SUBSTANTIAL spike in page views recently. If I look at the trends over time, there was a small spike in mid-2023, a larger spike in early 2024, and then a HUGE spike this past month, peaking at almost 86,000 views on Sept. 19th alone (an all-time high)! That's BONKERS!! (compared to what I was getting in years gone by). 
• The U.S. is still a top source of viewers, but I've had a huge uptick in viewers from Hong Kong, Singapore and Brazil, among others.  
• "Referral spam" or not, it's a bit creepy. I wonder if AI is scraping my blog (our blogs?) to fuel its databases... or possibly (even worse) whether childless women are being targeted and monitored in some way for political purposes?    
• I try not to get too overtly political here -- but it seems like everything is political these days, especially when it comes to women, reproductive matters, and those of us who have deviated from the "norm" (even when that's been despite our desires and best efforts). 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

#MicroblogMondays: Odds & ends

• 
  Apparently Friday, Aug. 22nd, was Rainbow Baby Day (trigger warning: baby photos) -- and while I didn't spend a lot of time on social media that day, my feeds had more mentions about it from various loss/infertility/childless accounts than I've ever seen in the past. (I'm going to have to add this one to my calendar so that I remember in the future and it doesn't take me by surprise again!) 
• All power to those of you who have had your "rainbow baby(s)" -- but huge thanks and bouquets to those few lovely souls (many/most of them from the childless-not-by-choice community, but also a few who were not) who dared to remind people that not everyone is lucky enough to get their rainbow. 
• Of course, some of us might still get a rainbow -- albeit maybe not in the form of another baby. 
• Previous Rainbow Baby Day post from 2020 here.  
• I love Lisa Sibbett's Substack, The Auntie Bulletin, and I loved her recent post about "The Seven Blessings of the Aunties:  Here’s what Aunties bring to families." I feel like we're all potential "aunties" and role models to the younger generation, even if we don't actually have nieces, nephews, godchildren, etc. in our lives (at this particular point in time, anyway). 
• I especially liked #4 on Lisa's list ("Aunties teach kids about life's options"), although the text mostly reflects the childfree by choice. I would add that simply by our presence, those of us who wanted children but didn't get them can show by example that a good life can be possible even if it's not the life you originally wanted or assumed you would have or that all of your friends have. Learning to deal with grief, loss and life's disappointments and roll with the punches is hard, but it's a something we'll all find ourselves doing, one way or another, and we can help model those skills for the younger generation. 
• Sari Botton's Memoirland Substack recently featured a post from Natalie Frenkel, "Friendship and Fertility," about struggling to conceive, and the effect it had on her relationships with friends who could (what Jody Day has called "the friendship apocalypse of childlessness"). There's a lot here that's familiar!  
• Trigger warning:  The essay is illustrated with a photo of two women, one of them with her hand on a pregnant belly (!).
• This one popped up on my phone as a random Google notification -- about pronatalism and families, "legacy," living your own life on your own terms. It starts with a great personal story about living well being the best revenge (lol), and then segues into a more general essay about having a good life without children.  
• The article is mostly from a childfree perspective, but I was happy to see this acknowledgement:  "But for those who wanted kids and couldn’t have them — whether because of money, health, or life throwing curveballs — the emotional load can hit harder."
• Trigger warning:  The thumbnail image has a border around it of cartoonish babies, bottles,soothers, etc.  There is also a photo of a mother with small children.
• A few choice passages: 

But here’s the thing — choosing a child-free life isn’t some shiny new TikTok trend. Aside from the baby boom in the ’50s, history has always had its fair share of people saying, “No thanks” to diapers and playdates.

The big difference now? We’re actually talking about it. From smashing tired stereotypes to questioning what “family” even means, the conversation is louder — and bolder — than ever.

and

...different has a way of making people uncomfortable. Friends and family might need time to adjust — especially if they pictured your life a certain way. But here’s the thing: the person who has to live that life is you.

...At the end of the day, whether you raise kids or not, your life can still be full of love, meaning, and joy — on your own terms.

Sometimes, the most powerful legacy isn’t the one you’re handed — it’s the one you create for yourself.

• Not ALI-related, but this Substack post from Judith Hubbell at "Too Old for This Sh*t" deserves to be widely read and shared. It's one of the best defenses and explanations of feminism that I've read in eons. Bravo!! 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

Odds & ends

• I spotted my first back-to-school post on social media yesterday, from someone in the U.S. It's only mid-August...!  I expect to be bracing myself against the onslaught for the next full month... sigh... 
• Dh & I went to the mall this morning. The temperature around noon was 29C, humidex reading 39C (it's currently 33C & 42C) -- the mall was busy (some of them back to school shoppers, I assume) -- it was very clammy/humid inside there too (despite the a/c) -- and I saw a rack of WINTER COATS on display in one of the women's wear stores!! I mean, seriously?? 
• Carrie Hauskens of Blooming With Care was a guest on NBC's high-profile Today morning show with Jenna Bush Hager (the former president's daughter) and Tyra Banks on Aug. 1st -- International Childfree Day.  She & her husband resolved to live without children after infertility and the stillbirth of their daughter Clementine. What a platform!!  I especially appreciated Tyra Banks's thoughtful comments -- she actually "got it" -- you can almost see the light bulb going off over her head. ;)  You can watch her segment -- a full 9 minutes! -- here. 
• Jody Day of Gateway Women was interviewed in an article for the Associated Press that was published in a number of major U.S. newspapers, including the Washington Post and Seattle Times, as well as online news sites -- about  "Why the search for meaning can cause ‘purpose anxiety,’ and what to do about it."  (I'm not sure I've heard the term "purpose anxiety" before, but I certainly believe it exists!) 
• Says Jody:  "Even after 14 years of my work being widely discussed across the world, this is the first time I've been in the mainstream US press!"  IT'S ABOUT TIME!! -- Congratulations!   
• On a similar note, Katie Couric Media recently shared a personal essay:  "This Isn’t the Midlife I Imagined — Here’s How I Pivoted at 55."  The author pursued parenthood until she was 54 (!) -- and realized, after spending time with a friend's teenager, that it was time to pursue new dreams. Still, she struggled with the question of "what now?"  She concludes: 

This version of midlife is different from the one I expected; it’s more trial and error, more exploration and unknowns, but I’m learning to live it fully — and I’m uncovering interests and dreams I never knew existed as I go. I’m excited to see what awaits. I’m no longer chasing the life I thought I was supposed to have; I’m focusing on the one I have right now.

• This was an interesting article in the New York Times recently, about a co-housing community of aging women living in "tiny houses" in Texas.  **NOTE:  Not everyone in the community is childless.**  Nevertheless, it's interesting to read about how one group has structured such a community and is making it work!  (Gift link attached.) 
• The love of my life -- when I was 15 years old, lol -- Stuart "Woody" Wood of the 1970s band Bay City Rollers (whose memoir I recently read and reviewed), and the current band lineup (he's the sole remaining member of the classic 1970s lineup) -- played a concert at the Highland Games in Fergus, Ontario, about 1.5 hours from here/Toronto, on Saturday night (while I was otherwise engaged, attending a family wedding -- not that dh would have been keen to take me to a BCR concert anyway!  lol).  
• On Sunday afternoon, they posted photos & videos on their social media of Woody and the other band members out & about in downtown Toronto -- including Nathan Phillips Square, scene of a hysterical mob of some 55,000 screaming teenaged girls, on a hot summer day in June 1976. (A photo from that day appears on the inside cover of their "Dedication" album -- unfortunately, while I could find photos of the album cover, the inside cover photo remains elusive! but there are other photos from the day available on Google.)  
• Needless to say, almost 50 (!) years later, it was quite a different scene -- the square was almost completely empty -- and I posted a comment to that effect on the video. And Woody actually responded to my post!!  Teenaged me was THRILLED!!  (lol)  (Okay, 60-something me was pretty tickled too!  lol)  See the screenshot below (with a few redactions).