Is this a "thing" now??

It's Labour Day weekend, and I'm bracing myself for all the back-to-school photos next week (and over the next few weeks) -- although I've already been seeing them from the States, where some schools start in mid/late August.  

This is the weekend a lot of parents are moving their kids into university/college dorms and apartments, and I have a couple of friends who are sending kids off to university for the first time. For some, it's their last kid to leave home, and they're going to be empty nesters. Lots of angst. (Needless to say, I cannot relate.)  

One such friend took both of her sons to their respective schools over the weekend -- the older one starting third year at one school, and his younger brother starting first year at another = leaving home, and leaving her and her husband empty nesters. I knew there would be photos -- but I was dumbfounded when she posted photos of a a beautiful silver bracelet her younger son bought her as a "thank you Mom" gift. (It actually spells out "THANK YOU MOM" in silver letters.) She also posted a photo of the necklace her older son bought her when HE first went off to university three years ago. 

Is this a "thing" now??  (Or did she just raise very thoughtful boys?? lol)  I've never heard of buying your mom a "thank you Mom" gift when you go off to school or leave home. Of course I never heard of "push presents" until a few years ago either. 

Everything is a production and a photo op these days, it seems...!  (And a marketing/sales opportunity for businesses too, of course...!) 

(Here's another example:  Older Nephew's Wife has been a bridesmaid for several friends in recent years, and apparently you don't just give gifts to your wedding party at/just before the wedding anymore, you also hold a party where you ASK them to be in your wedding party, and give them gifts then too!! At least, that seems to be the practice hereabouts.)  

Have you ever heard of this? 

*** *** *** 

On a related note -- this article from The Atlantic (gift link) points to another back-to-school trend I've noticed in recent years and been hearing more about lately:  elaborately (and sometimes even professionally)(?!!) decorated dorm rooms, mostly courtesy of the Bank of Mom & Dad.  

I mean, seriously?? 

Here's how much times have changed (and why I simply cannot relate to all the back-to-school stuff, beyond not having a kid myself):  

I arrived at university 46 years ago this weekend (Labour Day weekend, 1979). There were no pre-application/acceptance tours of campuses with parents in tow. (I can't think of anyone who would have been caught DEAD doing that with Mom & Dad in those days.)  My high school arranged group tours of the two universities and one community college in the nearby city (an hour away) for any students interested in checking them out, and I did go on all of those, even though I was pretty sure which one I was going to attend. 

Earlier that summer, one of my high school girlfriends and I took the bus into the city to register and sign up for our courses -- which, in those early days of computerization, involved filling in a form manually, then going around from one prof's office to another to get their signatures, and then standing in long lineups at the student union building with our chequebooks and forms to pay for it all). 

We may have taken a stroll past the all-female dorm we'd applied to live in (one of several on campus), but never set foot inside before moving in. We'd requested each other as roommates on our applications, which you could do -- but it was not guaranteed our request would be accepted. In fact, I don't think I knew until I actually arrived on campus that weekend who my roommate would be. And -- unbeknown to me -- she had expressed preference on her residence application for a single room -- should she not get one, she'd take a cheaper double room with me. Preference for singles was given to returning students. Nevertheless, she beat the odds and got a single room. I think I knew this before we moved in, but I don't remember for sure. 

My mother drove me into the city that day (I think it was on the long weekend Sunday, and I don't think my dad or my sister came). There was no specific set time (other than showing up on the weekend before classes began, during office hours); we just showed up. (I remember standing in a few lineups, but they weren't very long.) I think I had two suitcases with me containing mostly clothes and a few small items, maybe a few other things, and that was about it. I don't think I was too unusual in that respect (although of course my parents didn't live tht far away, so anything I'd forgotten or needed, I could get the next time I was home or they were in the city.) 

We paid my fees at the administration office desk, got my keys and meal plan punch card for the dining hall, had my photo taken for the residence directory, and headed up to see my room. The "proctor" (residence assistant for my floor) came over to introduce herself and invite me to go with her and a couple of the other girls who had already moved in to party/social event that night. I don't remember Mom helping me unpack or lingering, or any tearful goodbyes. I was, of course, only an hour away from home, and those were very different times. 

I knew my new roommate's name, but nothing else about her. When Mom & I arrived at the room on the third floor (it was a nine-storey building overlooking the river, built in the early 1960s), my roommate was not there, but her stuff was. I stared at the framed photos on the desk and other things, trying to guess from those clues what she might be like.  She didn't actually arrive until Labour Day Monday. I'd been out and when I returned, she was sitting there, painting her nails, a polished, petite blond girl. I was a little taken aback at first -- but very happily, after some initial awkwardness, we soon got to know each other better, became fast friends, and we're still in touch, all these years later,  

Like many dorms of the era, the rooms had cinderblock walls. There was one long shared built-in counter/desk, spanning the wall below the window, with a couple of drawers below on either side, and two bookshelves and two bulletin boards on either side of the window, two chairs, two beds and, on the walls opposite the desk/window, two small closets for our clothes, and a couple of drawers topped with a counter and mirror. The beds came with pillows, linens (changed weekly by maids;  we had to strip the beds if we wanted the sheets washed, and make the beds up with the new sheets ourselves) and thin bedspreads. Some girls brought their own pillows and bedspreads/quilts from home, which I did, eventually (nothing new, a castoff from my sister's room at home).  

There was a bathroom shared by the entire floor, with several (four, I think) toilet cubicles and sinks, which was often a gathering space at night as we washed our faces and brushed our teeth before going to bed. There was a shower room with several shower cubicles, and a couple of separate tub rooms each equipped with a bathtub and sink. A handful of  large rooms or suites were reserved for people like the residence council president, the head resident (an administrative role), and some of the residents who had lived there the longest, had larger rooms/suites with private bathrooms. I got one of those rooms in my fourth and final year by virtue of my seniority -- a double room converted to a large single with a private bathroom (including tub/shower unit) -- and I must say it was nice. :)  There were coin-operated washers and dryers in the basement where you could do laundry. 

Our rooms had no phones: there was a payphone downstairs. There were phone jacks in each room, though, and we could (and did) go to the phone company office at the local mall (a short bus ride away), and arrange to rent one. (Most of us got the basic black, dial model, which was the cheapest option.) My roommate and I split the rental cost and each paid for our own long-distance calls. Long distance, of course, was expensive in those days. The weekends that I didn't go home -- and I didn't actually go home that often, especially after the first while, and then my parents moved further away, which reduced my incentive to visit too often -- I would call home on Sunday night to chat (which was the cheapest). We also bought a small wipe-off message board with an attached water-soluble marker. Just about everyone had one; that was how we left messages for our friends and neighbours, in those pre-computer & pre-cellphone days.  

Over time, I brought more and more stuff from home. I think I already had an electric alarm clock-radio (with the numbers that flipped over -- pre-digital days!). I brought a desk lamp, and my portable typewriter, and a couple of favourite stuffed animals. We papered the walls with posters, bought at the campus bookstore and the nearby KMart (I particularly remember Peter Frampton and Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem from The Muppets over my bed, lol -- maybe because they're both visible in one of the few photos I took of my room that year -- see below). 

There was a full-sized refrigerator in the floor lounge (also a kettle and toaster), but my new roommate brought a small kettle/hot pot, and I contributed a small bar-size refrigerator (thanks, Dad!), and we assembled a small collection of mugs, glasses, plates and cutlery (many -- ahem! -- pilfered from the cafeteria). The parents also provided a small (12") black-and-white TV. Using the "rabbit ears" antenna, I could pull in a few (about 4) local stations. When I was in third year, my parents gave me a stereo for Christmas, which I'd been begging for for YEARS -- a turntable, tuner/radio/cassette . (I promptly burst into tears.)  I took it with me when I returned to school after the holidays, along with some of my LPs (and naturally I accumulated more over time). When I got a bigger room in third year, I made a low bookshelf out of a couple of boards and some bricks that a friend with a car helped me to buy at nearby lumber yard. 

There was storage space in the basement where you could keep boxes and trunks and larger items (like mini-fridges) in the summertime. We'd leave a note in the elevator for Tom, the good-natured caretaker, asking him to "please come take my boxes from Room 324 down to storage, thanks!" and then the reverse in the fall -- "Hi Tom, could you please bring up the boxes for Lori Lastname to Room 742" -- and they would magically appear in your room when you got back from class later that day. 

I lived in that dorm for all four years of undergrad, moving up to larger and larger single rooms -- and accumulating more and more stuff. ;)  (Textbooks alone took up a few boxes.) As I said, I arrived that first fall (1979) with little more than two suitcases. When I moved out in April 1983, my dad had to borrow a friend's half-ton pickup truck, and we completely filled the back. We borrowed a trolley from Tom, and made several trips up and down in the elevator and out to the truck, as my floormates sat in the lounge and watched in amusement. When we brought out the last few boxes, they broke out into applause. (Smarta**es, lol.)  

I cried as we drove away. It was the end of an era. That dorm was my home for four years-- especially once my parents moved away from the town where we'd lived for six years, and where I'd gone to high school. They were some of the best -- definitely the most fun -- years of my life, and I still think about it, and dream that I'm back there. 

I think I've posted this photo before? 
My side of my first-year dorm room, with standard dorm bedspreads and furniture.
Dr. Teeth & the Electric Mayhem & Peter Frampton above the bed. :) 
Fall 1979. 

Odds & ends

• I spotted my first back-to-school post on social media yesterday, from someone in the U.S. It's only mid-August...!  I expect to be bracing myself against the onslaught for the next full month... sigh... 
• Dh & I went to the mall this morning. The temperature around noon was 29C, humidex reading 39C (it's currently 33C & 42C) -- the mall was busy (some of them back to school shoppers, I assume) -- it was very clammy/humid inside there too (despite the a/c) -- and I saw a rack of WINTER COATS on display in one of the women's wear stores!! I mean, seriously?? 
• Carrie Hauskens of Blooming With Care was a guest on NBC's high-profile Today morning show with Jenna Bush Hager (the former president's daughter) and Tyra Banks on Aug. 1st -- International Childfree Day.  She & her husband resolved to live without children after infertility and the stillbirth of their daughter Clementine. What a platform!!  I especially appreciated Tyra Banks's thoughtful comments -- she actually "got it" -- you can almost see the light bulb going off over her head. ;)  You can watch her segment -- a full 9 minutes! -- here. 
• Jody Day of Gateway Women was interviewed in an article for the Associated Press that was published in a number of major U.S. newspapers, including the Washington Post and Seattle Times, as well as online news sites -- about  "Why the search for meaning can cause ‘purpose anxiety,’ and what to do about it."  (I'm not sure I've heard the term "purpose anxiety" before, but I certainly believe it exists!) 
• Says Jody:  "Even after 14 years of my work being widely discussed across the world, this is the first time I've been in the mainstream US press!"  IT'S ABOUT TIME!! -- Congratulations!   
• On a similar note, Katie Couric Media recently shared a personal essay:  "This Isn’t the Midlife I Imagined — Here’s How I Pivoted at 55."  The author pursued parenthood until she was 54 (!) -- and realized, after spending time with a friend's teenager, that it was time to pursue new dreams. Still, she struggled with the question of "what now?"  She concludes: 

This version of midlife is different from the one I expected; it’s more trial and error, more exploration and unknowns, but I’m learning to live it fully — and I’m uncovering interests and dreams I never knew existed as I go. I’m excited to see what awaits. I’m no longer chasing the life I thought I was supposed to have; I’m focusing on the one I have right now.

• This was an interesting article in the New York Times recently, about a co-housing community of aging women living in "tiny houses" in Texas.  **NOTE:  Not everyone in the community is childless.**  Nevertheless, it's interesting to read about how one group has structured such a community and is making it work!  (Gift link attached.) 
• The love of my life -- when I was 15 years old, lol -- Stuart "Woody" Wood of the 1970s band Bay City Rollers (whose memoir I recently read and reviewed), and the current band lineup (he's the sole remaining member of the classic 1970s lineup) -- played a concert at the Highland Games in Fergus, Ontario, about 1.5 hours from here/Toronto, on Saturday night (while I was otherwise engaged, attending a family wedding -- not that dh would have been keen to take me to a BCR concert anyway!  lol).  
• On Sunday afternoon, they posted photos & videos on their social media of Woody and the other band members out & about in downtown Toronto -- including Nathan Phillips Square, scene of a hysterical mob of some 55,000 screaming teenaged girls, on a hot summer day in June 1976. (A photo from that day appears on the inside cover of their "Dedication" album -- unfortunately, while I could find photos of the album cover, the inside cover photo remains elusive! but there are other photos from the day available on Google.)  
• Needless to say, almost 50 (!) years later, it was quite a different scene -- the square was almost completely empty -- and I posted a comment to that effect on the video. And Woody actually responded to my post!!  Teenaged me was THRILLED!!  (lol)  (Okay, 60-something me was pretty tickled too!  lol)  See the screenshot below (with a few redactions). 
  
  
  
  

#MicroblogMondays: It's all a matter of perspective...!

I was scanning today's bargains on the Kobo (e-reading) website, and my eye caught the title of one of the books listed.  

It was titled "Infant Loss Quick & Easy."  

What the what?? 

Then I took another look... here's the book cover: 

Only someone who's endured pregnancy or infant loss would have had the reaction I did, right? (It's not the first time I've done a double-take on a book title, albeit not always from a loss/infertility/childless perspective...!).  Have you ever done something like this??  (Please tell me you have! lol)  

(It did give me something to write about for #MM today, though...!  lol)  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

A howl in the darkness

We went to bed around 12:30 AM last night, after spending the evening hopping back & forth from one TV channel and one online news site and chat to another, feeling bone-weary and depressed about the dark state of the world right now. 

I woke up around 4:30 AM, and went to the bathroom. Through the duct for the ventilating fan (which leads outside), I could hear the ominous and unnerving sounds of what I first wondered were human screams or sobs. 

I went back to bed, but couldn't go back to sleep. I finally got up again sometime after 5 -- just in time to turn on the TV and hear CNN project Donald Trump as the winner of last night's U.S. election. 

Dh got up at that point too -- and it wasn't too long after that we both heard the same weird howling/yelping noise, coming from outside. Dh opened the balcony door a crack. It was LOUD. Obviously nearby. "Sounds like dogs," he remarked. 

Then it clicked. Coyotes. There are plenty of them in the Toronto area, and there's a bit of a wooded ravine and a creek that borders one side of our property and some of the townhouses behind us -- an obvious place for them for be lurking.  It's been a while, but we've heard them out there howling in the past, and even spotted a few trotting through the construction site, back when the townhouses were being built. 

I'm glad it wasn't a human in distress.   

But it was still unnerving to hear. Especially on this particular morning.   

World Childless Week: Day Five: No Kids! Do You Want Mine?

Day Five of World Childless Week 2024 is about comments that hurt -- with a particular focus on the tired old "joke" "No Kids!  Do You Want Mine?" 

From the website description: 

How does this comment make you feel? Does it feel ridiculous or make you angry? Do they not think we may have considered adoption or fostering and their words could be opening up a whole can of worms? Should we say yes please, pack them an overnight bag and I’ll be around with a van to collect the rest of their stuff tomorrow! Is it simply cruel because of the disregard it shows for our situation, and the implication that their children could fill the hole left in our hearts at never having our own. 

Is it meant to be a joke, because I don’t hear anyone but the parent laughing?   

Needless to say, over 17 years, I've written a LOT of posts venting about the really dumb, hurtful things that people have said to me or within my hearing. :p  No specific posts that I can point to, but you would find some of them under the labels "annoying things" and "WTF?"  ;)  

Re: the specific question in today's theme:  I HAVE been asked that ("you want to take her??"). Even more annoying, it was someone who really should have known better (a fellow loss mom who had been through infertility and eventually adopted). 

Also: an online friend from my original childless living group once had someone ask her "the question."  She told us she enthusiastically responded, "Okay!" and knelt down to talk to the child. "Guess what, you're coming home with me!  We're going to have a lot of fun..." and blathered on in that vein until the mom hustled the kid away, with a few strange looks back at my friend, lol. (Well, she ASKED...!)  This was years ago, but I like to think she thought twice before asking that question again...!  

Check out today's content on the WCW site, including community members' contributions, and three free, live webinars related to this subject. They will be recorded and the links will be posted later on the Day Five page for anyone who cannot make the live event. 

Odds & ends for the weekend

• It's Little Great-Nephew's 4th (!!) birthday today!  We'll be heading up to Older Nephew's house tomorrow for a family celebration. We sure miss seeing him as often as we have (especially during this past year), since he started school this fall, but we're so grateful for the time we've been able to spend with him, and to have him in our lives!  
• Here's the post where I announced his arrival, four years ago (November 2019).  :)  
• In the WTF?/Annoying things category:  On Nov. 2nd, I ordered 6 (paperback) books, as well as some boxed Christmas cards, during a sale from our national mega-bookstore chain -- 30% off with my membership card.  
• The cards were delivered on Nov. 6th. 
• Two books were delivered in one package on Nov. 6th.  
• Another book arrived on Nov. 15th. 
• Two more shipments -- one with one book, the other with two books -- arrived at the same time yesterday, on Nov. 16th.  
• That's 5 separate shipments/deliveries (!) over 10 days! (I was perfectly willing to wait the full 10 days to get everything all at once.)  I get that they may have come from different warehouses -- and the shipping was free, to me anyway -- but seriously? It seems so wildly inefficient...! -- all that packaging (cardboard = recyclable, at least), all that additional labour to get them to me... 
• The New York Times had an article this week celebrating the 100th anniversary of the publication of "Emily of New Moon" by L.M. Montgomery. (Gift link.) I was kind of gobsmacked by how many people in the comments -- many of them ardent fans of "Anne of Green Gables" -- had never heard of Emily (let alone the many other wonderful books & heroines Montgomery created). All of Montgomery's books were touchstones of my growing-up years, and (as you all probably know already!) the older I get (and the more of her work I re-read), the more I realize just what a huge impact she had on my life and on the person I am today.  (My reviews of "Emily of New Moon," here and here... I've also read & reviewed the two sequels on this blog over the past three years.)  
• I loved this! -- go read it!  "A very short essay against 'as a mother': On being able to care without kids" by Amy Key of "So Glad I'm Me."  (This link was recommended by Sara Petersen at "In Pursuit of Clean Countertops" -- she got it from Jessica Stanley at "READ.LOOK.THINK.") 
• I'm not the only one who has a problem with Novembers: Katie Hawkins-Gaar at "My Sweet Dumb Brain" ponders her own history of grief during this month in "As the layers of life accumulate." (Very appropriately, I read it on Nov. 14th -- the 25th "anniversary" of Katie's due date.) 
• (That said, Nov. 14th this year was... okay. The sun was shining, which helped enormously, I think!) 
• Content warning: a parent's death, and postpartum psychosis (living baby) mentioned.  
• Sample passage: 

Some days, some weeks, some months, are heavier than others. These are the times when bad things have happened, when our lives are forever changed. Our minds may not always note the date, but our bodies typically do. 

On these days, we feel out of sorts — we feel sad, anxious, or irritable, and we’re not entirely sure why. Our bodies nudge us along. Then we remember.

• Also this:  "Maybe she manifested it" from "The Antidote" by Helen Davenport-Peace. (When did "baby manifestation coaches" become a thing?? UGH!)  Sample passage (bolding & italics are the author's): 

To be clear; if you’re reading this and Not Pregnant Yet…

it isn’t because you haven’t manifested it. It’s not because you have a baby blocking belief buried deep into your subconscious. It isn’t not happening because you don’t believe enough, that you aren’t manifesting properly, hard enough or with the right coach by your side to clarify and cleanse your vision. There isn’t a missing piece in the wiring between what your mind and body desire that someone else can solve in three monthly installments of three thousand pounds.

Yet another service saga...!

About a year ago, dh got a message from his longtime life insurance provider. (He actually worked for them, when we were first married.) Let's call them Company A. 

Around the time we got married, dh took out a fairly sizeable life insurance policy on himself, with me as the beneficiary. The premiums were $70 a month (which was a lot of money for us when we were first getting started).  And we've been paying $70 a month for well over 35 years now. 

Anyway, the message said the value of his contributions were no longer enough to fund the policy (and of course, he'd turned 65 in the meantime...!), and as a result, his premiums were about to increase, big time. $70 a month turned into just over $300 a month (!). (Ouch!) 

I said, "This is ridiculous, we need to find you a cheaper policy."  We realized we didn't need quite that much insurance on him now anyway --  we have a lot more resources I could fall back on now if something were to happen to him, versus when we were newly married and expecting to have a family. Our former company's retiree benefits offerings include life insurance -- and those benefits came up for re-enrollment this fall -- so he submitted a request for insurance (a smaller amount) through there. (In retrospect, I suppose we could have just called Company A and asked what it would cost to downscale his policy to a lesser sum -- oh well....!)  

Our benefits are provided by a different insurance company -- Company B -- BUT, they outsource their life insurance benefits coverage to Company A.  As part of dh's application/request for coverage, he had to submit an evidence of insurability form when we were re-enrolling in our benefits earlier this fall. Since then, he's had to go through a lengthy phone interview with Company A, and we had a nurse actually come to our condo about a month ago to do bloodwork and a medical assessment. 

Earlier today, he got an email from Company A with an encrypted link to a message on their secure website. (He'd set up a password, etc., with them previously.)  Clicked on the link, nothing happened. Blank screen. He forwarded it to me, I tried on both my cellphone and my laptop, nothing. 

I said to him, "We'd better call Company A." Dh has NO PATIENCE for that sort of thing, so I wound up calling. (Miraculously, it never took more than about a minute to wait to speak to someone, once I'd successfully navigated through the initial call menu.)  The first guy I spoke with said he could see that dh's request had been approved (yay!) -- but he could not see the contents of the message to confirm that. I mean, great, we're approved, and maybe all the message said was "Congratulations! You're approved!"  -- but what if there were instructions within for something else we had to do?  We needed to know what was in that message. 

The guy I was speaking with said he would have to transfer us to another number for more information. I gave the phone to dh so he could talk. This rep was spectacularly unhelpful, and told dh to call our HR department (!!).  Our former company's HR department has nothing whatsoever to do with pensions or employee benefits anymore;  it's all been outsourced to Company B.  

Dh hung up in frustration. 

I decided to try again. Well -- I will swear I talked to at least 8 different people (having to repeat my story every time) and was given at least 5 or 6 different numbers to call (not including outright transfers to other departments).  The last number I was told was the correct number to call was not in service. (!!)  You can't make this stuff up. 

I finally called Company B (our overall benefits provider) and poured out my tale of woe to the customer service rep, who was very calm, sympathetic & kind.  She gave me another phone number for Company A (!) -- but she also offered to open up a case number and check things out on their end. She said it could take a few days, and said if I didn't get any satisfaction from Company A to call them at Company B again, and she provided me with the case number to use then. 

After I spoke to her, I felt much calmer. I went back to my laptop and tried clicking on the link in Sam's email again. Lo and behold!! a sign-in window opened up. (Make a liar out of me, right?) I entered dh's password, and there was the message -- yes!  he's been approved! (No further action required.) 

I felt kind of ridiculous after all that rigomorole.  I think we just didn't wait long enough for the sign-in window to open (it did take a while).

But seriously??!   WHAT A RUNAROUND. I felt SO stressed when I finally got off the phone and I still feel just drained. It shouldn't have to be this hard to get an answer to a simple question!  

Dh said to me, "At least you have some skills here. Can you imagine your mom or dad trying to do this??"  (Oy.) 

You know, I've heard Jody Day of Gateway Women say that childless people often wind up in care homes at a much younger age than people with kids. And it's not that they're in any worse shape than parents are. When people think of eldercare, they think of intimate care -- things like needing help with baths and changing pads and using the toilet, etc.  Only a small fraction of older people need this sort of care, particularly at the younger end of the spectrum. More often than not, what they need is exactly what I just experienced -- help with navigating technology, advocating/negotiating with bureaucracy, standing on a ladder to change a high-up light bulb, transportation to a doctor's appointment, etc. etc.  If they (we!) can get that sort of occasional practical help on a consistent basis, they can stay in their homes so much longer.  

Dh plans to call Company A back in a few days to cancel his old/larger policy, now that we have this lower level/cheaper coverage approved through our retiree benefits. And all this reminds me -- I should check in on the status of my case with my credit card company/Amazon again.  

(But NOT TODAY!!  lol)  

Well, this is new...

Almost 25 years to the day since I learned my pregnancy had ended... there's a baby seat in the back of our car. 

(Don't think THAT doesn't give me pause...!)  

It's actually a toddler seat. Guess whose?  

SIL is taking BIL to a medical appointment early on Tuesday afternoon, and they have to leave around noon -- which is when Little Great-Nephew gets out of day camp. (He's going two mornings a week for the month of August.  He calls it "school." Okay, buddy, if you say so...!)  So guess who has been designated to pick him up? 

Of course, we do not have the mandatory kiddie car seat -- but BIL had just bought him a new one, since he's pretty much outgrown the one they have right now. So when we were over there earlier today, we installed the new seat in our car for this specific purpose. (Dh & BIL took him on a quick trip to Home Depot after it was installed -- and then to Dairy Queen, lol -- so he's already tried it out, lol.)  We'll be picking him up at the community centre where the day camp is (picking up a child -- another first for us!), picking up some lunch, taking him back to his grandparents' house and then staying with him until they return, later in the afternoon. 

It's very strange. 

#MicroblogMondays: Post-Voldemort Day odds & ends

• 
  BIL called dh late Saturday night:  Older Nephew had invited them to come there on Sunday (MDay/Voldemort Day) and he (BIL -- not Older Nephew) wanted to know if we wanted to come too.  
• Dh declined:  I'd already committed to co-hosting two hours of an all-day ongoing text chat on the private Lighthouse Women (formerly Gateway Women) community, late Sunday afternoon. (Dh told him I was on a Zoom call for one of my book clubs... close enough, I guess!  lol)  
• Even if I wasn't already committed, I'm not sure I would have wanted to go.  I generally like to spend the day quietly with dh, just the two of us. Older Nephew didn't invite us directly, after all (BIL often issues these invitations of his own accord, without consulting the people he's visiting...!) -- and I thought SIL deserved to be able to spend MDay with her son & grandson, without having us hanging around (as we often are...!). 
• (I did wonder if BIL was hoping dh would drive, as he often does...!).  
• I was feeling a little more inclined to mope than usual this year, but the day turned out better than I had anticipated. I spent most of it online, chatting with various online friends from the childless/infertility/loss communities (which always buoys me up), and the day (thankfully) flew by.  The weather was slightly overcast, but pleasant, enough so that we had the balcony door open most of the day (NO humidity!!)(yet...!).  Dh gave me a card, made brunch and cooked dinner. 
• And yes, I remembered to call MY mom!  lol  
• Why I was inclined to mope:  I couldn't help remembering that 25 years ago, Mother's Day for me was one of happiness, hope, excitement and expectation:  as I wrote in this 2008 post, I was in the first trimester of what would be my one & only pregnancy, and looking forward to Mother's Day 1999, when there would be three of us to celebrate together. 
• It was not to be. But I still have the Boyds Bears figurine dh gave me that year (which I wrote about here), sitting on my bedside night table.  (I don't remember when I stopped doing it, but I no longer rub its belly for luck, as I did when I was still hoping for another baby.)  
• Seen on social media this weekend, from the mother of two grown sons:  "I always wonder if organizers of Mother/Daughter teas for Mother’s Day weekend realize they are leaving out us boy moms." (!!!!!!) (She's a nice person, but seriously??!)  
• She got lots of sympathy in the comments, too. 
• From Yael Wolfe on Medium:  "Honoring the Childless Women Who Feel Invisible Today." 
• Writer Anne Lamott -- who is a mother -- posted her annual diatribe about Mother's Day on Facebook this weekend. Well worth a read! 
• From The Atlantic by Kelly McMasters (also a mother):  "Why I’m Skipping Mother’s Day:  Should people feel compelled to celebrate a holiday that is painful for so many?" 
• Megan Pillow guests on Lyz Lenz's Substack newsletter ("Men Yell at Me") with "A Single Mom’s Manifesto for Mother’s Day." If you can get past the mom stuff, there's some interesting history there about Mother's Day's origins and how its original intent has been perverted. 
• Heather Cox Richardson writes mostly about American politics & current events from a historical perspective on her Substack newsletter ("Letters From an American" -- and I highly recommend it!) -- but her Saturday night/Sunday morning newsletter was about Mother's Day and a non-mother who played a significant role in her life. I loved it!  
• Anne Helen Petersen has been taking a break this past week from her Culture Study newsletter on Substack, following the loss of her beloved dog, Peggy.  She was back yesterday with a post about grief, titled... "This is Not Just a Post About Dog Grief."  Excerpt:  

I think most people understand this feeling when it comes to close family, and a lot of people understand it when it comes to animals. But we have such a limited understanding of who and what is worth grieving, who and what deserves time...  

There’s a refrain Americans often bandy about as a sort of explanation for the emotional constipation that structures the national character. We’re so bad at grieving, people say, when the “we” in question is really white Christians or Christian-adjacent, steeped in the Protestant Work Ethic that demands the sublimation of grief to productivity. When growth is always God, there is no space to breathe, to break in half, to take the time that’s actually necessary to find some semblance of self amidst the wreckage.

It’s not normal, or ironic, or even slightly funny that we’re this bad at making space to process loss and suffering. It’s fucked up, and I’m increasingly convinced it’s at the heart of our national regression. Around Covid, of course, but also around mass gun violence, and addiction, and eldercare. We have so little language to describe the onset of grief in our lives, and so little expectation of accommodation for it. We don’t know how to be still in our sadness. And if you won’t allow yourself that grace, it’s so difficult to authentically extend it to others.

Whether you realize it or not: you have allowed me that space. I knew you wouldn’t unsubscribe en masse, which meant you effectively gave me bereavement leave. I allowed my sadness to expand and envelop my days. I went on long walks with Steve and felt Peggy’s presence over and over and over and watched it turn to joy, to utter gratitude.

I’m not nearly done with this grief but I also know that its foundation has been laid. What a gift you have given me — and what renewed conviction I have that this right to grieve should be universal.

How was your day yesterday? 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

Coronation weekend odds & ends

• Well, my alarm clock is already set for (YAWN!) 4 a.m. tomorrow morning. CTV's coverage of King Charles III's coronation begins at 3 a.m., CBC's at 4 and CNN's at 5, my/Eastern time.  I figure 4 a.m. sounds about right -- time for me to have some breakfast while watching the dignitaries arrive and listening to the talking heads. I'll probably be flipping back & forth between CBC & BBC World.  And live-chatting (texting) with my longtime New Zealand penpal :)  which we've done for the last several big royal events -- something we could never have imagined doing when we first started writing to each other as teenagers in 1977!! (This is when I love technology, lol.)  
• According to the schedules I've seen, Charles & Camilla will leave for Westminster Abbey at precisely 5:20 a.m., the service will begin at 6 and Charles will be crowned around 7. The balcony appearance at Buckingham Palace (and Royal Air Force flypast) will happen around 9:30 a.m.
• BIL seems skeptical that I would want to get up at 4 a.m. for such an event (let alone that I'm capable of actually getting up at that early hour, lol). He obviously doesn't know that I've been doing this for every major royal wedding & funeral for the past 40-odd years, and watching royal events for well over 50!  The first one I can remember watching is then-Prince Charles's investiture as Prince of Wales in 1969, then Princess Anne's first wedding in 1973, which was especially notable because we'd only recently gotten our first colour TV set).   
• Who else is planning to watch??  
• In my last odds & ends post, I flagged an article about "wedding sprawl."  I'm seeing it in action this weekend... my cousin's daughter is getting married this summer, and her friends have spirited her away to Los Angeles for a bachelorette weekend (!).  Not only that, one of her friends tagged her on social media with an image of a Vennmo (U.S. mobile payment system, like PayPal, but not available in Canada) QR code, inviting people to scan it and "buy the bride a drink." !!!  Now I think I've seen everything... I mean, if I was there in LA, enjoying the sunshine and fun, sure, I'd buy her a drink, but...??!  (Has anyone else ever heard of this??)  I'm sure something else will come along to top that one soon, though...! 
• An oldie (which I may or may not have shared here before?) but a goodie (and a timely one too):  From John Pavlovitz:  "For Those Who Hurt on Mother’s Day." 
• This weekend is International Bereaved Mothers Day (always marked on the Sunday BEFORE that "other day"). ;)  It was created in 2010 by an Australian woman, Carly Marie Dudley, in memory of her stillborn son Christian and to honour all mothers who have lost a baby and feel overlooked on Mothers Day.  
• Many loss mom bloggers who were around back then will remember Carly Marie and the gorgeous photos she used to take and send to bereaved moms of their child's name written in the sand by the ocean at sunset. She has gone silent online in recent years, and most of her sites and social media accounts are no longer active, but every year at this time, I still see people in my social media feeds posting about the day she founded.  
• At the time she created it, Carly Marie said, "International Bereaved Mother’s Day is intended to be a temporary movement. It is a heart-centered attempt at healing the official Mother’s Day for all mothers. I believe that we can do this and that sometime in the near future there will be no need for this day at all because all true mothers will be recognized, loved, supported, and celebrated.” 
• (It's a nice idea, but I don't think we're anywhere close to that point yet...!) 
• Here's an article that Carly Marie wrote in 2016 for Still Standing Magazine about International Bereaved Mothers Day:  
• From Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (a charity which provides beautiful professional photos for parents experiencing the loss of a baby), an article reminding us that not only was Anna Jarvis, the founder of Mother's Day, childless herself, she created it to honour her own mother -- who lost most of her many children. 
• In a recent Substack newsletter, Jill Filipovic had a very long and wide-ranging interview with Ruby Warrington, author of the recently released book "Women Without Kids." Both Ruby & Jill are childfree by choice, so the interview is mostly from that perspective -- but there is a LOT there that I think we all can relate to -- AND! (bonus!) Ruby gives a shoutout to Jody Day and Gateway Women and Jody's childless elderwomen project!!  (Unfortunately, there may be a subscriber paywall.)  
• The Washington Post recently reviewed two (other) thoughtful new books related to birth and motherhood and... childlessness, in an article titled "In Defense of the Childless." (I read one of the books! -- reviewed here.) 
• Also a great read from Jill Filipovic (and NOT behind a paywall): "What Do Women Need?" Answer in the subhead:  "Better men. Until then, we'll freeze our eggs."  Sample passage: 

Women don’t freeze their eggs because they’re selfish careerists who want to climb the corporate ladder; women freeze their eggs because they want to have a child with a great partner, and one hasn’t yet come around... 




It’s easy to look at this issue and say that men just need to get their shit together. And men do need to get their shit together. But some of this isn’t about individual men being bad; it’s about larger cultural and economic forces that have left men untethered, often ill, and often directionless.

 

• The Globe & Mail has a personal finance podcast aimed at millennials and Gen Z-ers called "Stress Test" -- and a recent episode dealt with the realities and costs of fertility treatments in Canada. You can listen to the podcast and/or read a transcript (which -- warning! -- does not seem to be well edited...!), here. 
• From The Toronto Star, written by a fertility doctor:  "The inequity of infertility: Why we need to talk about reproductive health as a shared responsibility." Sample passage: 

Infertility should be considered a public health issue that has the potential to impact everyone through dwindling populations, rising health care costs, emotional stress and lower workplace productivity.

We can share the responsibility for our society’s fertility rate by promoting policies that consider reproductive health and talking openly about infertility to reduce the stigma. 

• Well worth a read:  in her Culture Study newsletter on Substack, Anne Helen Petersen interviews transracial adoptee Angela Tucker about her experiences and about her new book, "You Should be Grateful."  
• I loved Carolyn Hax's response to the second letter in her advice column in the Washington Post, written by a woman whose sister-in-law keeps bringing up how much money she (the writer) makes. (It's actually less than the SIL's salary.)  I was reminded of some of the "bingos" we hear as childless-not-by-choice people (and of course, some of them are related to how much money WE must have, since we don't have kids...), and I LOVE some of the answers Carolyn proposes!
• On social media, Jody Day of Gateway Women flagged a newly released study in the Irish Journal of Counselling and Psychotherapy:  "Childlessness as a springboard for post-traumatic growth." 
• The study was the subject of an article in the Irish Times. "There’s more to being a woman than being a mother."  "The longing to have a child didn’t go away for many women in our study," the subheading reads. "But they found other ways to flourish."  Our pain is real -- but it does not have to define us. 
• Said Jody on social media: "I really, really hope this starts to turn the tide on the very ill-informed opinion, amplified by the #pronatalist media, that #childless women 'never' recover from the trauma of childlessness... we can, we do and we find other ways to 'flourish' in our lives and share our mothering hearts with the world around us, and with ourselves. It takes time, love, and support, but we rise again..."

Have a good one!  :)  

#MicroblogMondays: Yikes!

A story in the news this week gave me chills: two men, born on the same day in 1955 in the same small-town Manitoba hospital, recently learned they were switched at birth -- sent home with the wrong families. It's the THIRD such mix-up in Manitoba hospitals that's been discovered in recent years, and the fifth in Canada, including two more in Newfoundland.  Many of these cases, sadly, involved babies from Indigenous/Metis families/communities. In this case, the two men are requesting compensation and correction of their birth certificates from the province, and the provincial opposition critic for Indigenous Affairs is calling for an inquiry.

For me, it's also chilling from a personal perspective. When I was born (in 1961 -- also in a small hospital in rural Manitoba), it was common practice for babies to be kept in the nursery and brought to their mothers for feedings, etc. My mom had had ecclampsia, and was there for two weeks after I was born. I remembered that years ago, she told me that one day she took one look at the dark (likely Indigenous) face in the bundle they handed her and told the nurse this was NOT her baby. They eventually found me and brought me in to her.  

I've never done a DNA test (yet) -- and I'm not worried -- anyone who looks at me, and then looks at my parents, and/or my sister, knows whose child I am!  (My sister and I were known as "the Bobbsey Twins" at school when we were growing up...!)  But it did give me pause when I heard this latest story. It's scary to think that such mix-ups could (and did) happen, and that I could very easily have wound up with the wrong family, and led a very different life -- and then when I read that this particular case is the THIRD such case discovered in Manitoba from that era...!  Yikes!! 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  

#MicroblogMondays: More Jennifer Aniston, plus various odds & ends

• The shockwaves from Jennifer Aniston's groundbreaking (and very brave) interview with Allure continue to ripple through the infertility and childless-not-by-choice communities.  Here's a roundup of some of the blog posts, opinion pieces and media clips I've run across in the aftermath to date:  
• I was lucky enough to catch a post by Jody Day on Thursday morning (Nov. 10th, on the private Gateway/Lighthouse Women community) that she would be talking about this on BBC World at 4:45 p.m. London time -- which was 11:45 a.m. in Toronto, and just 10 minutes later!  So I managed to watch Jody's brief segment, live :)  -- if there is a video clip available, I will post the link later! The interviewer actually asked some intelligent questions, and Jody managed to cram in a lot of good information and bust a few myths within the very few minutes allotted... well done!!  
• It was also discussed on a BBC radio program -- the segment starts around 1:05 into the broadcast, and goes for a full half hour! It will be available online for about a month. 
• "Jennifer Aniston is Officially One of Us!"  (Pamela, Silent Sorority) 
• "One of Us: Phoenix Rising" (Infertile Phoenix) 
• "So Grateful for Representation" (Jess, Finding a Different Path) 
• "The Jennifer Aniston Interview" (Melissa, Stirrup Queens) 
• "The one about Jennifer Aniston (and the John Lewis advert)" (Berenice Howard-Smith, Medium) 
•  "How Jennifer Aniston’s Devastating Revelation Is a Lesson to Us All:  Can we please stop asking this damn question!" (Ali Hall, Medium)
• Katie Couric shared it on Twitter!!
• "How Jennifer Aniston’s fertility became everyone’s obsession" (Zoe Williams, The Guardian) 
• "Thank you, Jennifer Aniston, for telling the truth about IVF" (Jessica Hepburn, The Telegraph -- registration required) 
• "I’m glad Jennifer Aniston has spoken out about unsuccessful IVF. I’ve been through it too" (Kat Brown, The Times). Sample passage: 

It isn’t fashionable or sexy to talk about the slog of infertility without a happy ending — too miserable, too depressing. I can think of many stars of Aniston’s age who have instead had a child by a surrogate or showed off a “miracle baby” in their later years, such as Naomi Campbell at 50. Yet for people who, like me, go through IVF without success, the grief can feel utterly terrifying and unmooring. As can the feeling that you’re the only one who has failed.

• Jess at Finding a Different Path had an article published on Insider.com!  Go read it: "After years of trying to have a baby, I consider myself 'childless not by choice.' "
• A thoughtful article about pronatalism and "population alarmism," flagged by Jody Day:  "Dismissal of “Population Alarmism” is Rooted in Pronatalist Ideology" by Nandita Bajaj, Executive Director of Population Balance. Sample passage [emphasis mine]: 

...social and institutional pressures that would force more childbearing are far stronger today than any impetus for family planning or concerns about population growth. Pronatalism is at the heart of unchecked population growth, which is occurring on the backs of those with the least personal or reproductive autonomy, who are most vulnerable to coercion.

In the past, reprehensible abuses such as forced sterilizations and other human rights violations were committed in the name of population control. But today, coercive pronatalism is the analogous threat. It’s a more prevalent, pervasive, and equally egregious form of population and reproductive control. It’s just being used toward the opposite end.

• There is a growing clamour from the medical community in Ontario -- currently swamped by the triple storm of covid, flu and RSV (three times the usual number of cases for this time of year) -- to reinstate mask mandates. The Chief Medical Officer of Health is supposed to be making an announcement today (Monday). The word is that he will NOT be reintroducing mandates -- but he is expected to "recommend" that people mask up voluntarily. Like, that's worked SO well to date??  Un-frickin'-believable... :p  
• On that note... ummm.... confession time!  Last night -- as I mentioned here, under "Worrying" -- we went to a party celebrating dh's cousin (and godson)'s wedding (which took place in August 2021, but was restricted to immediate family only because of ongoing covid concerns), and the couple's baby, due in February. Dh's aunts' recent funerals aside, it was the first indoor gathering of this size we've attended since before covid.  
• UNlike the funerals, nobody was wearing a mask... including... ummm... me. (Gulp.) I had some in my purse -- but I did not put one on. For one thing -- I'll admit -- there's that reluctance to stand out in the crowd and be "that person" -- even when you know it's the right/wise thing to do. :p  For another, I knew all of these people, and I did trust that most (not all, but most) of them were vaccinated, and would stay home if they weren't feeling well (and some actually did just that). (After all, the "bride" is six months pregnant...!) Also -- we spent a lot of our time eating and drinking ;)  (and the food was great, btw...!). 
• One person who probably should have stayed home but didn't: SIL (!), who was hoarse, losing her voice and showing other symptoms of an oncoming cold.  She came in our car with us, and BIL went with Older Nephew and helped him navigate. She did take a covid test before we left, which was negative (although I know she could still get a positive result later).  
• The party was held in the (fairly large) party room of the groom's mother's condo building, with about 40-50 people (maximum capacity 60) -- all from the groom's family, and the vast majority from the side of his family he shares with dh (his dad & dh's mom were siblings). It was good to see everyone after so long (and for a much happier reason than a funeral...!). 
• Younger Nephew & his pregnant wife, both very covid-cautious, did not attend. But Older Nephew & his wife did, and they brought Little Great-Nephew, who had a blast and stole the show (sorry, bride & groom...!).  Only a few of the family had actually seen LGN yet, and most of the few who had hadn't seen him since he was an infant, just before covid hit.
• I guess we'll find out within a few days whether we dodged a bullet or...?  :(   (I can't help but feel that, OF COURSE, it would be just my luck to get covid the first/one time in more than 2 & 1/2 years that I venture out into a big social gathering with a lot of people without putting on a mask...!)(while others go their merry way for months on end, maskless, without incurring any penalties)(yet??).   
• I have virtually NO interest in football... EXCEPT at this time of year. No NFL or American college football for me (or Canadian college football, for that matter, which attracts virtually zero interest here) -- I'm talking the Canadian Football League (CFL) and the Grey Cup, the national championship game, which will take place next weekend in Regina. The East and West division finals were this past weekend, here in Toronto and in Winnipeg. Dh & I watched both games (well, dh watched, anyway -- I glanced up from my computer now & then, lol) -- and the two winning teams who will face off for the cup are... the Toronto Argonauts and Winnipeg Blue Bombers. NOW who do I cheer for??  (The Bombers, actually, the team I grew up cheering for -- albeit I won't be heartbroken if the Argos win either...!) 
• It's bad enough that I get several friend requests from strange men every week on Instagram... but lately, I've been getting some on Goodreads too (of all places!!). Anyone else??  

 You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  

Odds & ends

• Another reason I'm glad I'm not an American: elections every two years -- yikes!!  Granted, not every position is up for re-election every two years -- albeit some are -- but still...! As a voter, I think elections every two years (and for so many positions -- I must admit, I have a hard time wrapping my head around the concept of elected judges and other law officials...!) would be horribly stressful -- it's stressful enough watching from across the border (and being deluged with a relentless stream of ads on TV that don't even apply to us and that we can do nothing about), lol!  Our own system, with elections every 4-5 years on average (unless you're in a minority government situation, in which case they could happen earlier), is bad enough, lol.  ;)  
• It's disappointing that some right-wing politicians and policies were not more thoroughly repudiated -- and I guess we'll see how things play out over the next two years -- but hey, overall, the results could have been much, much worse...
• Since the time change this past weekend, it's light outside earlier in the morning again -- but it's dark by about 5:30 p.m. now.  Sigh... :(   (And it will keep getting darker, earlier, until the winter solstice in mid-December.)  
• I know it would get keep getting darker, earlier, at this time of year, regardless of whether the time changed as usual or whether it stayed the same all year long -- but it's the abruptness of the change, that sudden plunge into late afternoon darkness, that makes it so hard to deal with, I think...!  
• Bloglovin' is back (again) this morning! (For how long, who knows?? But I'll enjoy it while I can...!) 
• There was a great post in Carolyn Hax's advice column from the Washington Post last weekend from "the world's greatest aunt" who went through some tough times but is now happy with her childless, single life and has no desire to date -- and yet is constantly nagged by friends who think she has a unhealthy fear of commitment and want to introduce her to men, etc.  I love Carolyn's response (and the last line in particular, lol). It's obviously relevant to childless singles -- but also, I think, to just generally having our decisions (to stop ttc, to not adopt, etc.) and childless lives generally questioned and challenged by others. 
• From Medium:  Ali Hall, echoing a recent viral piece by Yael Wolfe:  "The Modern-Day Twist on “The Village” To Promote Equitability for All:  Regardless of our parental or relationship status, we all need our village." Yes! Sample passage: 

...parents are not the only sector to suffer from the diminished social infrastructure.

...There’s a latent expectation in some that those who are not parents should serve those who are parents. As if “The Village” is a trust fund that you suddenly have access to once you have a child.

This sense of entitlement is missing the whole point of “The Village.” For a village to function, it requires us all to be active members as soon as we can comprehend the workings of a community.

It takes time to build communities. They are an investment of love and support. A conglomerate of skills and interests. Expecting a village to present itself on command indicates a lack of personal contribution. I can’t help but wonder whether those who shout the loudest for a village have ever served as a villager.

If we want the benefits of a village, we must also be a villager.

• She's singing my song!:  I loved Anne Helen Petersen's recent piece in her Culture Study newsletter on Substack about the phenomenon of "sprawling holidays," or holiday inflation. (Visits from the St. Patrick's Day Leprechaun, anyone?? -- definitely not a "thing" when I was growing up...!)  Some great conversation in the comments, too!  (One theory re: the new popularity of the leprechaun is that March is the least Instagrammable month... I think there may be something to that...!) 
• I was reminded of this post I wrote, 9 years ago now (!), about the Elf on the Shelf, as well as the pieces that informed it, from Mary Elizabeth Williams in Salon, and Rage Against the Minivan (this piece in particular -- but I also found this one and this one). 
• A lot of what Petersen has to say is filtered through the lens of parents & children (she herself is childfree by choice), but there's a lot of great social commentary -- including a nod to pronatalism and those of us who don't have kids [emphasis mine]:  

Performing Christmas became a way to maintain middle-class domestic cohesion — to broadcast to your immediate and extended family and the whole block that we’ve got this on lock. (So many of the current attributes of Christmas reinforce the middle-class American family ideal: the primary signifiers [the tree, the visible lights] are “best” on display in the single-family dwelling; you can only get a (sizeable) tree with a car and someone capable of heaving it around. The “magic” of Christmas depends on the presence of children to experience it alongside; to spend Christmas alone is framed as some sort of unspeakable sadness).

• Less than 40 days (!) until we head "home" to my family for Christmas holidays... eeeeekkkkk..... 
• We finally booked our plane tickets about a week ago. Holy cow, they were a whole lot more expensive than our flights last  month, and probably the most we've paid to fly west in quite a while. It would probably be cheaper for us to fly to Florida or Mexico...!  (And meantime, the service just keeps getting worse and worse...!)  Yikes!  

Odds & ends -- and thanks

• I was on a roll this morning with Heardle.  :) I got EVERY SINGLE ONE, many within 2-3 seconds -- right up to Heardle 90s. (I don't do Heardle past the 90s version, aside from the original all-decades version.) Never heard of either the song or the artist. But I guess you can't always win them all...!  
• Prior to our cottage weekend with dh's cousin & his family, I was rummaging in my drawers to find my ancient swimsuit, in case we were invited to use the hot tub (and we were! -- and did!). I found it in a drawer with the remnants of my pantihose collection, and I found myself wondering WHY -- some 25-ish years after my office adopted a more casual dress code (and women wearing pants was no longer deemed shocking/a subject of disapproval -- seriously -- this was the mid-late 1990s...!), 8 years after I lost my job and 6 years after moving (when I culled a LOT of stuff) -- I STILL had so many pairs of pantihose (and knee-highs)??  The last time I wore pantihose was to Younger Nephew's wedding, four years ago. And before that...?? (I didn't wear pantihose to Older Nephew's wedding in 2016 -- which was a mistake, when I saw the photos...! Live and learn..!)  
• Among my pantihose collection: a pair of fishnet tights that I think I bought when I was in university, about 40 (gulp!) years ago (!!). 
• I chucked all but two pairs of hose and two knee-highs (already used and laundered), and three pairs still in the original, unopened packaging. That's probably still too many -- but, progress...! 
• How many pairs of pantihose (if any??) are still lurking in your dresser drawers?? 
• The tale of the swimsuit:  back in the spring of 2001 (!! -- yes, 2001!), my then-immediate boss invited all of us over to her house after work one night for dinner and a dip in the hot tub. Since our team at that time was entirely women (most of us in our 40s or older -- the majority of us childless too!), there were no real qualms at the prospect. ;)  My problem: no swimsuit (at least, one that fit me).  I remember going to the Hudson's Bay department store near my office on my lunch hour and spending way too much on a one-piece Christina swimsuit -- black-blue bottom, bright royal blue top with a black design and sparkles on it -- that didn't look half-bad on me. I wore it in my boss's hot tub -- and it's languished in the drawer ever since then. (I used to LIVE at the swimming pool in the summertime when I was growing up;  sadly, not so much these days.)  
• Last year when we visited the same cottage, the hot tub was out of commission -- but it's been repaired since then, and our hostess reminded us to bring our suits last weekend. I fished the suit out of the drawer, and what do you know -- after 20+ years (!), not only did it still FIT (!), the elastic was still good too.  :)   
• I'm still in touch with my former boss and one of my co-workers (my office bestie) from that long-ago party, and I mentioned this to them in an email after our cottage weekend, because I knew they'd get a kick out of it. Lo and behold, my boss responded with a snapshot of us all in her hot tub, back in 2001. Mostly just our heads are visible, but you can glimpse a sliver of a blue strap on my shoulder, lending credence to my story. ;)  
• I LOVED Kate Kaufmann's recent "Unapparent" column (lol -- I love that title) on the Psychology Today site about "What Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, and Belonging Mean for Non-Parents."  She zeros in on the "belonging" label as a "gamechanger" for people without children, and suggests ways to give non-parents a stronger sense of belonging, include balancing family-centric events with ones that celebrate adult accomplishments. 
• I've long been fascinated by the idealization of motherhood and the role of "momfluencer" culture, and the power they have to warp women's sense of self-worth. Most writing in this vein, of course, focuses on the pressure this puts on mothers to live up to the ideal -- and fails to take the next step and ponder how these unattainable ideals affect those of us who wanted to be mothers and never even got the chance to try to live up them.  Still, it's a topic worth pondering. 
• I recently discovered the writing of Sara Petersen (through Anne Helen Petersen's "Culture Study" Substack newsletter -- not sure if there's a relationship there?), whose Substack newsletter is called "In Pursuit of Clean Countertops" and whose book "Momfluenced" will be published in April 2023. (Two other great writers on this topic, also introduced to me by Anne Helen Petersen:  Meg Conley at homeculture, and Kathryn Jezer-Morton, who began with a Substack newsletter called "Mothers Under the Influence" and now writes a column called "Brooding" at The Cut.)  
• Sara Petersen's latest post: "I don't cherish every moment: What unsolicited parenting advice tells us about America's Ideal Mother."  You might not relate to her description of struggling with the demands of new motherhood and post-partum depression -- but this passage sure struck a chord with me: 

...living in a world which prioritizes someone else’s should over your own truth is maddening, exhausting, and invalidating.

It’s difficult to assert (and sometimes, even to understand) our authentic maternal [note from me: substitute "non-maternal" if you're childless] identities in a culture which determinedly foists a one-size-fits-nobody straightjacket of motherhood onto all of us.

• It's the (Canadian) Thanksgiving long weekend here, and among my many blessings, I am so thankful for this blog and all of you!  Thank you for enriching my life with your own blogs, your comments and your support!   

"An insult, not a solution"

The fallout continues from British demographer Paul Morland's opinion piece in the Sunday Times: "Should we tax the childless?"  (His answer was (naturally!) an enthusiastic yes.)  I flagged this article in my #MicroblogMondays/Odds & ends post yesterday. 

Thankfully, the response to his proposals has been overwhelmingly negative -- and not just from childless & childfree people. Here's a sample of things I've been reading and listening to over the past 24 hours: 

• Jody Day of Gateway Women appeared on LBC Radio in London on Monday, July 4th, to chat about the proposed childless tax with Sangita Myska (who is also childless not by choice).  Jody appears shortly after the one-hour mark of the program (11 p.m. program time).  
• If you have time, you may want to continue listening after her segment ends, because Sangita continued to take listener calls on the issue for the remaining two hours of the program! (Just think -- a solid TWO HOURS of talking about childlessness!)(Most listeners were, thankfully, in agreement that it's a very bad idea.)  
• The program will remain available online for six days (the rest of this week). 
• Jody was also on the BBC (Radio Bristol) with James Hanson on July 5th, discussing the declining numbers of babies and the complex reasons why women aren't having (more) children. (Jody's segment begins at about 1:37 into the program.) The program will remain available online for about a month. 
• Kat Brown (whose Instagram post alerted me to the controversial Times article), responded in Stylist magazine: "Paul Morland’s viral Sunday Times piece shows it’s easier to blame women than to make meaningful change." 
• The London Economic ran an article about the backlash to the Times piece. 
• The UK organization Ageing Without Children responded with this post on its blog. 
• On Medium:  Clair Woodward mused about "Taxing the childless, and other ways to kick us when we’re down." 
• Also on Medium: Berenice Smith, one-third of the team that brings us the wonderful podcast The Full Stop every month, penned a response to Morland's piece in the Times. 
• "Tax the childless! Encourage ‘our own’ to breed! What an asinine, inhumane way to tackle a population crisis" (Zoe Williams in The Guardian) 
• "Welcome To Gilead" (Rachel Moss, Huffington Post UK) 
• "Taxing the childless would be an insult, not a solution" (Rachel Cunliffe, The New Statesman) 
• "Proposing To ‘Tax The Childless’ Isn’t Just Ludicrous, It’s Offensive" (Polly Dunbar, Grazia) 

I'll keep my eye out for more. 

And if you think you don't need to pay attention to this issue because you don't live in the U.K., think again. Consider that in July 2021, would-be Republican candidate for congress J.D. Vance proposed that parents should have more voting power than childless people -- which some took further, proposing that childless people should be banned from voting all together (!). (I wrote about this here and here.) No doubt there are politicians in North America and elsewhere who will think Morland's ideas are worth implementing here too.