Documentary: "Bio-Dad"

Last night, I watched a riveting two-hour documentary on the CBC. "Bio-Dad" covered the journey (over several years) of Barry Stevens, a Toronto man conceived in the early 1950s through donor sperm, to learn the identity of his biological father. His journey involved many ups & downs & surprises -- including the discovery that he has a biological daughter himself. Along the way, he visits other children born of donors, a single gay dad & some lesbian mothers who have used donor gametes and/or surrogates to conceive their children. He also explores the ethics, implications and future direction that ARTs might take (for better & for worse). Stevens did an earlier documentary on the same subject (which I have not seen), called "Offspring."

I was dead tired (dh was long asleep by the time I made it up to bed at 10), but I was glad I stayed awake to watch the whole thing. Although donor gametes were not part of my infertility journey, I am nevertheless fascinated by the subject, and by the enduring tug of the biological tie. (Also, as I have written before, I am a sucker for a great reunion story of just about any kind.) I thought he struck a nice balance between the need for a fuller knowledge of one's biological identity and yet sympathy for those, like his parents -- and his bio-dad -- who desire secrecy and anonymity.

There is a link on the CBC's "Bio-Dad" site to the film, so you can actually watch it on your computer! (And it's only about 90 minutes without the commercials!). Lots of interesting links expanding on the story on the right-hand side of the page too.

Allergic reaction? or...

Last summer, I started having some weird reactions to food. Since writing about that first incident, I've had several others, including two in the last week. I've turned hot & red while attending crops at the scrapbook store three times now (much to the dismay of the poor owners -- still, they haven't banned me yet...!), and couple times at work too. Most of these episodes seem to begin when I'm eating -- which is why it seems reasonable to assume that I'm having an allergic reaction of some kind -- but weirdly, it has also happened a few times when I haven't been eating.

I went to see an allergist in July (the same one I saw 20 years ago) & had all the skin scratch tests done. It showed sensitivity to tomatos, carrots, chocolate (!!), apples & oats -- all foods I eat regularly without incident (although twice the reactions did occur when I was eating a pasta dish with tomato sauce). Each time it's happened, I've taken a Benadryl or two, & the symptoms generally subside within 45 minutes to an hour -- although the Benadryl always leaves me feeling horribly groggy & dehydrated. Once I went to a walk-in clinic in the office tower across the street; another time dh took me to emergency. Both times, I was much less red & starting to feel better by the time I saw a dr, although my blood pressure was elevated (but not surprisingly, considering (a) the stress & (b) the Benadryl).

Yesterday I was sitting at my desk, eating my lunch (oriental glazed chicken with rice and mixed vegetables from the company cafeteria, which I've had many times before) & suddenly, without warning, it was happening again. I started feeling hot, my heart started pounding. I grabbed a mirror, & sure enough, a red flush was beginning to spread from my chin, down my neck. I checked a few minutes later, & it had spread all over my neck, up to my face and my ears.

I thought, "Oh, great..." Rummaged in my purse for Benadryl & took one (didn't want to get too groggy at work, & figured I could take a second one if the symptoms persisted). I was SO pissed off because I've had this to eat many, many times (& I like it!!) & suddenly I'm getting a reaction??

Then it hit me. Could this be, not an allergic reaction, but -- a hot flash??

I did some Googling, & what I was experiencing fit the bill -- sudden flush of heat that usually begins in the face or upper body & spreads -- check. A flushed appearance with red, blotchy skin on your face, neck and upper chest -- check. A rapid heartbeat -- check. Perspiration, sweating profusely -- ? -- Ummm, no. I do get hot & sweaty sometimes under the covers, but not in this scenario. But then, everyone's experiences are different, right?

(My mom isn't accessible right now, so I e-mailed an older, former coworker to ask about her experiences with hot flashes. She said she never had hot flashes, but generally felt warmer than most people around her most of the time -- she always wore short sleeves all through winter. We both remember our former boss constantly fanning herself & mopping her face with a Kleenex, though.)

I read that hot flashes can be triggered by food. Or stress.

The redness lasted for 30-45 minutes & gradually went away. My throat felt a little funny for awhile -- but it was mostly after the redness had reached its peak & after I took the Benadryl -- so I'm wondering if that was a side effect of the pill?

I do find myself getting hot & red sometimes, if I'm under stress, or working intently on something (under deadline), or even just listening to someone talk in our support group meeting. But it tends to be more gradual -- what I've been experiencing lately seems to come on very suddenly, & often (but not always) when I'm eating.

I'm not saying ALL these episodes I've been having have been hot flashes instead of allergic reactions -- but maybe at least some of them have been? (Especially since it has happened once or twice when I haven't even eaten anything in hours.)

I'm seeing my dr next week for a blood pressure check & I'm going to mention it to him then. And maybe call the allergist I saw last summer. I'm seeing my gyn for my annual checkup next month too & will ask him then.

I know I'm a few years older than some of you -- I'm 48 (so it's not unrealistic for me to be having hot flashes...!) -- but if you've had hot flashes, does this sound like it could be one to you? What's the experience been like for you?

This says it all...

I love "Zits" -- Jeremy reminds me of our teenaged nephews!

[Image removed -- but the kicker line was "I'm so over February,"  lol.] 

Childless living, 20 years later...

While doing some Googling earlier today, I stumbled on this 2006 article from the journal Human Reproduction. The authors interviewed 14 Swedish women who remained childless, 20 years after infertility treatment.

Fourteen women is not a very large sample -- and if the study was carried out in the early part of this decade, the women would have gone through treatment in the early 1980s -- when there were far fewer options & lower success rates than there are today. I wonder what sort of results a similar study would find, 20 years from now?

Nevertheless, there were some interesting findings (some heartening, some depressing). Eleven of the 14 said they had eventually accepted their childlessness and adapted their lives accordingly. Most said they had found meaning in life by caring for others -- nieces & nephews, friends' children, pets, aging parents. Work, education, travel and hobbies were other activities they engaged in to "make the best of things."

Three of the women, however, said they had never come to terms with their childlessness. Many of the 14 said the feelings of social isolation that they felt while going through treatment had persisted over the years, and were in fact resurfacing in a new way as their friends and relatives became grandparents (!). Many said their sex life had suffered as a result of their infertility, and half had separated from their spouses (in all these cases, the men had left their wives).

I was particularly struck by this observation:

For the transition and adaptation to parenthood, every society has many rituals provided by kin, clan, state and even commercial interests. But there are no rituals to help with the transition and adaptation to none-parenthood. On the contrary, many women in this study described how private and silent their story was. The role-identity of not being able to become a parent, being a ‘none-parent’, is a state made possible only through the crushing of anticipations and dreams.

Thoughts?

Proud auntie : )

Permit me a proud auntie post! We just found out tonight that our oldest nephew (dh's only brother's oldest son) got accepted into community college! He applied last fall for a general media studies program (to start this fall).

He is 20 & has been working since he graduated from high school (when he was still just 17) -- currently on the night shift at a warehouse for $11 an hour. He's not especially academic minded, but neither is he interested in learning a trade (much to his blue-collar father's dismay). He is actually quite artistically talented, & says he wants to be a film director (!). This was the first real interest that he's shown in going to school (for anything), so we were all hoping & praying he would make the cut.

Dh & I figure that, if he has his heart set on a film career, at least this is a step in the right direction -- & maybe it will open his eyes & his mind to other possibilities. At the very least, he will have some new experiences and meet some new people.

We are planning to help him with his expenses, & will do the same for his younger brother when he finishes high school. They're the only two nephews we have, & nothing would give us greater pleasure than helping them get a good start in their adult life. Obviously, we would likely not be in a position to do so if we had our own children's education to budget for. I consider it another silver lining in the cloud of childless/free living...

More odds & ends...

I realize I haven't been posting much lately, & I owe some of you questions (and Irish Girl some answers). I've been coping with a severe case of the February blahs combined with the busy-at-work blues, & while I've been trying to keep up with my blog reading, I haven't been doing much writing or commenting lately. My company's annual meeting is next week, & I do a lot of work related to that -- so things have been hectic, but hopefully they will calm down a bit after that's over.

Re: the February blahs: It's still friggin' cold outside… but the days are slowly getting longer, & the added hours of daylight are a welcome sign that February (my absolute least favourite month of the year) is ALMOST over…!

The bright light in my week thus far was staying up late to watch the Oscars on Monday night (even though I was soooo tired the next morning). As I wrote last year around this time, I am an Oscarphile from way, way back. The icing on my Oscar cake (and a definite day-brightener) was winning the office Oscar pool! -- I got 17 out of 24 categories correct. (Two of them that I missed, I went with who I thought would win vs who I thought should win -- and I should have listened to my gut!). I even got to give an "acceptance speech" via e-mail. ; ) It's not an Oscar but it was $57 and a lot of fun. I'll take it. ; )

I haven't written about "Octomom" yet (so many other bloggers are saying it so much better than I can…!) but I did find this column by Peggy Noonan in The Wall Street Journal last week that I thought had an interesting perspective to share on the situation (within the context of the overall mood of anxiety that's gripping not only America but so much of the world these days). Although Noonan's politics are more conservative than mine, I find her to be a thoughtful & well-spoken writer and commentator, and I enjoy hearing her perspective on various political talk shows. As a sometime speechwriter, I absolutely loved her 1990 memoir of working as a speechwriter for both Ronald Reagan and George Bush Sr., What I Saw at the Revolution.

This is the part about Octomom that I liked (you can read the entire column here):

And there's something else, not only in Manhattan but throughout the country. A major reason people are blue about the future is not the stores, not the Treasury secretary, not everyone digging in. It is those things, but it's more than that, and deeper.
It's Sully and Suleman, the pilot and "Octomom," the two great stories that are twinned with the era. Sully, the airline captain who saved 155 lives by landing that plane just right—level wings, nose up, tail down, plant that baby, get everyone out, get them counted, and then, at night, wonder what you could have done better. You know the reaction of the people of our country to Chesley B. Sullenberger III: They shake their heads, and tears come to their eyes. He is cool, modest, competent, tough in the good way. He's the only one who doesn't applaud Sully. He was just doing his job.
This is why people are so moved: We're still making Sullys. We're still making those mythic Americans, those steely-eyed rocket men. Like Alan Shepard in the Mercury
rocket: "Come on and light this candle."
But Sully, 58, Air Force Academy '73, was shaped and formed by the old America, and educated in an ethos in which a certain style of manhood—of personhood—was held high. What we fear we're making more of these days is Nadya Suleman. The dizzy, selfish, self-dramatizing 33-year-old mother who had six small children and then a week ago eight more because, well, she always wanted a big family. "Suley" doubletalks with the best of them, she doubletalks with profound ease. She is like Blago without the charm. She had needs and took proactive steps to meet them, and those who don't approve are limited, which must be sad for them. She leaves anchorwomen slack-jawed: How do you rough up a woman who's still lactating? She seems aware of their predicament.
Any great nation would worry at closed-up shops and a professional governing class that doesn't have a clue what to do. But a great nation that fears, deep down, that it may be becoming more Suley than Sully—that nation will enter a true depression.

Odds & ends

The Q&A session with Mrs. Spit was fun. : ) Those of you who wanted to be interviewed by me, I will try to come up with some questions sometime in the next few days.

The last week or two have been a goldmine for media coverage of infertility issues (thanks -- or maybe no thanks -- to the octuplets & the 60-something Calgary woman who delivered twins). I had a pile of clippings I was thinking I would post links for & blog about, but it was a busy week, & I started to feel overwhelmed & gave up after awhile. Not sure how much more I could add to what's already been said within our community. I just hate all the misinformation & the bad image that "outsiders" may be getting about infertility -- although there has been some surprisingly thorough & thoughtful reporting & commentary in some corners as well.

Today is our Family Day holiday in Ontario (and Alberta and Saskatchewan -- as well as Louis Riel Day in Manitoba, and Presidents Day in the U.S.), again. Last year was the first year Ontario got a February long weekend. (I blogged about it then, here.) This year, being the second, there's much less to-do in the press about the holiday, its meaning & the appropriateness of its name. The name & all it implies still makes me wince -- but hey, it's a long weekend. In February. I'll take it.

Dh & I went yesterday to see "Slumdog Millionaire," which I thought was brilliant, if somewhat hard to watch at times. Anyone else see it? The young actors were very, very good. Makes me realize (once again) just how very, very lucky we who live in North America (and women most especially) truly are.

We have now seen three of the five movies nominated for Best Picture Oscars (the other two being "Milk" & "Frost/Nixon," both also very good). I doubt I will be able to drag dh to see "Benjamin Button," but we still have next weekend to see "The Reader"...! ; )

My parents called me last night as they embarked on a driving trip to points south. They won't be back home again until the end of March. They e-mailed my sister & I a rough itinerary, outlining where they expect to be when, hotel reservations & phone numbers, etc. They did this two years ago as well, & it's kind of a strange feeling not knowing exactly where they are for days on end. I'm thinking this must be kind of what it's like for parents of adult children when they go off to college, lol.