Thursday, October 14, 2010

Great expectations?

I found a great article in the National Post this week about people's inflated expectations of what infertility treatments can do. I'm really not sure how many women go around cavalierly thinking, "Oh, I have plenty of time, because there's always IVF..." -- but I do agree that women are really not as aware as they should be about how quickly their fertility declines. And I most certainly agree that there are a LOT of misconceptions related to infertility & infertility treatment.

It's not just the fact that women who may need treatment have these false expectations that bothers me -- the general public has this perception too. Ergo, if I'm living childless, I really must not have wanted children very much -- because there's always IVF (if not adoption), right?? Very little is said about the fact that these treatments often don't work (& that the odds decrease dramatically as you age), let alone the financial, physical, mental & emotional stresses that accompany them.

I read another article somewhere recently about 30- & 40-something women attending a seminar on egg freezing, which is now being offered by a local clinic... the part that stuck in my mind was that when the clinic staffer leading the session said the cutoff age for the program was 36, there was a collective gasp in the room.

Loved the points about family drs (much as I love mine, he could stand to read this article, based on the advice I got from him...) & employers, too.


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Women delay childbirth due to false fertility expectations

Tom Blackwell, National Post · Wednesday, Oct. 13, 2010

Women are delaying childbirth until later and later in life partly because they have an exaggerated belief that fertility treatments will help them get pregnant well into middle age, suggests new Canadian research.

Media accounts of older celebrity mothers and even advice from ill-informed family doctors is fuelling unrealistic expectations about in vitro fertilization (IVF) and other reproductive technology, said Judith Daniluk, a psychology professor at the University of British Columbia.

Women who responded to a recent survey by Prof. Daniluk suggested they expected to delay childbirth until much later than even they considered ideal, and that they believed fertility treatments were far more effective later in life than is really the case.

In fact, the efficacy of treatments for infertile women declines precipitously after the age of about 34, with the technology-aided birth rate hitting barely 1% for those age 46.

“There is an assumption that if women are in good shape, if they’re physicially fit, they can turn to IVF,” said Prof. Daniluk, who counsels fertility patients. “Most people don’t know that, No. 1, IVF is expensive ... and, No. 2, it can’t fully compensate for age-related fertility decline.”

She said more education is needed to drive home the limits of the technology.

She also said that labour policies should be changed to make it easier for women to get pregnant in their peak child-bearing years, without sacrificing careers.

Other experts agreed on Tuesday that misconceptions about reproductive science are helping fuel the steady increase in the age at which Canadian women have children. Close to 49% of women who gave birth in 2005 were over age 30, almost 2½ times the rate in 1974, according to Statistics Canada.

Often, perceptions about fertility medicine seem to arise from the pages of supermarket tabloids, said Dr. Roger Pierson, a Saskatoon physician and spokesman for the Canadian Fertility and Andrology Society.

Fertility clinics constantly encounter women who have read about an actress in her late 40s or 50s who just got pregnant, and wonder, “can you do it for me?” he said.

A 49-year-old patient asked during an appointment recently if she could have eggs frozen for when “she might want to use them.”

“Women are, I think, bombarded with misinformation,” Dr. Pierson said. “What we hear is medicine and science can solve anything, and that simply isn’t true.... It’s sad. These are desperate people who have made incorrect decisions”

Prof. Daniluk said she has seen a dramatic change in the make-up of fertility-clinic patients since the mid-1990s, when most were heterosexual couples who needed treatment because of male fertility problems. Now a third are single women, many of whom have waited too long to get pregnant.

In a presentation to the society’s recent conference in Vancouver, Prof. Daniluk offered up preliminary results of an online, self-administered survey that received more than 1,000 responses between April and June this year.

About 86% thought the ideal age for having their first child was between 20 and 30, but 44% expected to wait until the were between 31 and 35, and 28% until they were over 36.

Most said they would undergo in vitro fertilzation and close to 30% said they would use a surrogate mother if necessary to have a baby.

Knowledge of the reality of delayed pregnancy, and the value of fertility treatments was lacking, however. Most indicated, inaccurately, that overall fitness was a better indicator of fertility than age, while almost half either did not know or refuted the fact that a woman’s eggs are as old as she is.

About 63% said they thought reproductive technology could help most women get pregnant before the onset of menopause, which occurs at an average age of 51.

Prof. Daniluk said it appears to her that family doctors, struggling to keep up with rapid advances in numerous fields of medicine, can also be misinformed about the efficacy of fertility treatment. Patients who delayed child-bearing sometimes say their physician assured them “Don’t worry, you have time,” she said.

Many people do not realize “there is not a technological fix” for age-related infertility, echoed Abby Lippman, an epidemiologist at McGill University and former head of the Canadian Women’s Health Network.

She also called for employers to change their attitudes so women who want children can progress at a different pace than others.

National Post

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

30 Posts in 30 Days: Day 30: A dream for the future

This one is easy: my dream for the future is a long, happy, active & healthy retirement for me & dh -- and hopefully sooner, rather than later...!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

30 Posts in 30 Days: Day 29: Hopes, dreams & plans for the next 365 days

2010 has been a big year for me, dh & our families -- full of milestones.

In 2011, I have a personal milestone coming up -- & my hope/dream/plan is to celebrate it by taking my very first sunspot vacation sometime in January-February. : )

I hope things at work settle down -- new boss, new organizational structure (just announced) -- although it seems there are always changes happening to stir the pot...!

And I hope we will get more projects done around the house next year than we did in 2010. :p Perhaps the knowledge that we'll be hosting dh's cousins' barbecue in 2012 will be the kick in the rear we need...!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Who knew? Married couples without kids are now the majority

There was much ado this past week about a new study released by the Vanier Institute of the Family. Among other data, the study showed that, for the first time, married couples without children now outnumber married couples with children.

So if dh & I are actually in the majority, why do we still feel like such outsiders??

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With the release of the study, canada.com (including the National Post, Montreal Gazette, etc.) ran a series about the changes in the Canadian family. Imagine how pleased I was to stumble on one segment of this series, with the title "Parenthood plans don't always pan out." A few quotes (added emphasis mine):
Across Canada and in dozens of other Western countries, families like Lajoie's are ending up with fewer children than they dreamt of or planned for. Some are limited by finances when faced with the cost of raising and educating children and the impact on their careers. Time and biology intervene for others who start their families later in life, and some who might have become parents through adoption wait years and may not end up with a child at all.

Others choose to limit their family size because of health, career or lifestyle considerations, or in search of the ever-elusive work-life balance...

In a demographic landscape like Canada's, with below-replacement fertility levels and a massive wave of baby boomers beginning to turn 65 next year, this fertility gap represents a lost opportunity not just for individual families, but for society...

"There has to be renewal and children are our greatest asset in terms of a society, so when people aren't able to realize their family desires, much less ending up childless by default, that impacts all of us," says Judith Daniluk, a professor of counselling psychology at the University of British Columbia who specializes in women's sexuality and reproductive health. "Who's going to be contributing to the pension plan? Who's going to be supporting the health-care system? Who's going to be taking care of those people who are 65-plus? Who's going to do the jobs?"...

Aside from deliberate decisions to limit family size, Leslie-Anne Keown, a Statistics Canada analyst, says many people simply run out of time. Most studies that ask people about their ideal number of children and obtain a larger figure than the current fertility rate are quizzing single women in their early 20s, and Keown says their answers reflect an ideal unfettered by reality — or the limits of biology.

"They thought they were going to have it all. 'I'm going to finish my education, I'm going to get a great job, I'm going to make lots of money, then I'm going to get married and have two kids,'" she says. "And when you look at their timelines, they're actually not very realistic — but for them it's realistic."


Another article in the series was titled "Infertility and adoption in the fertility gap." Excerpt:

Judith Daniluk, a professor of counselling psychology at the University of British Columbia who provided fertility counselling for 10 years, says the proportion of infertile couples has probably always hovered around one in eight. The difference now is that adoption is an "extremely difficult and extremely limited" way to build a family because fading taboos around single motherhood mean women are less likely to place children for adoption, she says, and couples are planning their lives with the misguided notion that they can put off child-bearing almost indefinitely.

"There's a belief — it's an erroneous belief, largely — that women can delay as long as they want, that with the reproductive technologies we have available to us, so many women are saying, 'OK, I'll just do IVF' and not realizing that they are facing age-related fertility declines that are pretty dramatic by the time they hit 37," she says. "It's a life goal and without it, for those who want it, it's profoundly, profoundly difficult to come to terms with."


So nice to see the mainstream media acknowledge what so many of us already know!!

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In the Toronto Star, Life columnist Vinay Menon, father of twin girls, used the release of the study to address what seems like a growing gap between couples with children and their childless friends. I thought it was a pretty good piece, overall, with some sound advice:

Menon: Mind the growing parent-friend gap
Published on Fri Oct 8 2010
By Vinay Menon Columnist

Having children doesn’t have to mean losing friends. But that’s what happens if you’re not careful.

At first, nobody is aware of this looming social shift. You, the new parent, are so consumed with the baby’s needs — feeding, sleeping, bathing, changing, cuddling, burping — there is no time for your own needs, let alone the needs of your friends.

It’s unfortunate. But with a bottle in one hand and a diaper in the other, you have tumbled into a black hole and vanished from the real world — poof!

Meanwhile, back in the real world, your friends missed the departure. Yes, they know a new baby has arrived. Yes, they are happy for you. But, no, they don’t fully understand the extent to which this new baby is an invisible lifestyle wedge between you and them.

After my twins were born, I had several conversations along these lines:

Friend: “Congratulations! That’s great!”

Me: “Thanks. Yeah, it’s been kind of crazy around here with . . . ”

Friend: “ . . . I can only imagine. So listen, what are you guys doing Saturday night?”

Me: “Well, I suspect we’ll be here with the babies. Do you want to come over?”

Friend: “I definitely want to meet the girls. Definitely. But on Saturday, a bunch of us are going to this new place on Queen. You should come out for dinner, or at least drinks. It’ll be fun!”

This week, the Vanier Institute of the Family released a new report. Among the findings, two revelations gave me shivers. For the first time, there are more single Canadian adults than those who are married. For the first time, married couples without children outnumber married couples with children.

In short: We are now the minority. Our nuclear families, traditional and increasingly anachronistic, exist inside a mushroom cloud of cultural change.

So the question becomes: How do we avoid becoming radioactive? How do we hang on to our friends who are single or married without children? What can we, the minority, do to avoid drifting away from majority?

Four years after fatherhood, with the benefit of mistakes and hindsight, I offer some humble advice to new parents. Here now, Five Ways To Keep Your Friends After Parenthood:

1. Limit the amount of time spent talking about the little one.

This will sound cynical and harsh. But here goes: Your childless friends have no real interest in your child. None. For the next few months, select your talking points wisely.

2. Avoid emotional distance caused by false envy.

Along with profound joy, a baby also brings confusion and frustration. When a friend talks about the date he had with a leggy publicist or jokes about sleeping in on Sunday, it’s easy to think, “I can’t relate to this person any more.” You can and you must.

3. Take a genuine interest in your friends’ lives.

You’re not sleeping. You’re not wearing clean clothes. It’s hard to care about your friend’s new promotion or the spontaneous trip to New York she took last weekend. This is a critical window in your friendship: Don’t let it snap shut because you were too frazzled to hold it open.

4. Don’t encourage friends to “join the club”

Having a baby is not dissimilar to entering a cult. It’s new, it’s exciting and it’s hard to be deprogrammed. But friends have good reasons for not wanting to join. Questions such as, “When are you having a baby?” will only alienate them.

5. Remember this is not a zero-sum game.

Your new baby is Priority No. 1. Any friend who does not get this is not a friend worth keeping. But you can be a great parent and a great friend at the same time. The key is perspective, balance and time management.

So enjoy this exhilarating black hole plunge. Just remember: re-entry will occur sooner than you think. And when you’re back in the real world, dazed and bleary-eyed, you will be looking around for your friends.

30 Posts in 30 Days: Day 28: What's in your handbag/purse


I love purses. We're not talking Coach or Dolce & Gabbana here, mind you. The most expensive purse I've ever bought was probably around $150 (from Danier Leather), & most of them are in the $50 territory. I bought a great purse on sale at Target for under $20 a few years ago when I was in the States visiting my uncle, & used it for years until it started wearing out around the edges.

But there's something about a nice new purse that lifts the spirits. Most of my purses are basic black, but I do like to change them with the seasons. The one I'm using right now is a sort of taupe (see photo above), the one I used this summer was white, & I have a shiny red crocodile-type one that I bought last Christmas that was fun.

At the same time, I'm very picky about my purses. When I find a purse I like, I tend to hang onto it until it falls apart. Any purse I buy must be a shoulder bag, with lots of pockets & compartments, fairly big -- but not TOO big, because I tend to overstuff it, which is not good for my back, neck & shoulders (have learned that the hard way...!).

Inside my bag right now (in various compartments):

  • two pens
  • miniature pack of Kleenex
  • several rolls of Lifesavers Breathsavers peppermints
  • almost finished package of Trident peppermint gum
  • glasses case with cleaning cloth
  • clip-on sunglasses
  • miniature bottle of Purell
  • fold-up hairbrush
  • makeup bag holding miniature bottles of Motrin & Tylenol, a bottle of Benadryl & a package of Rolaids Vanilla soft chews
  • makeup bag holding small mirror, emery board, glasses cleaning cloth, eye drops, tube of Vaseline, tube of Neutrogena lip balm, small pair of fold-up scissors (no makeup -- it's the weekend!)
  • two epi-pens (one on the verge of expiry, one new one to replace it)
  • copy of results from my allergist & list of foods related to my various allergies (some have been problem foods, some not)
  • user's guide for my cellphone (which tells you how often I use it...!)
  • various coupons
  • ziploc bag with a small supply of pads, in case AF decides to drop by unexpectedly
  • two keychains, one with the housekeys, etc., & one with the car keys
  • cellphone
  • gold case containing a few business cards & a built-in solar-powered calculator
  • "cross in my pocket" which I got in church one time
  • a rather bedraggled rabbit's foot
  • a notebook with a key & quarter taped to it & a hilarious (to me) note that a high school friend gave to me as a joke gift for Christmas more than 30 years ago -- it's been in my purse ever since then
  • a very overstuffed wallet (my wallets must also have lots & lots of pockets & slots) which includes: change (I generally dump it out at night but usually keep one or two loonies & toonies, just in case); cash in bills; subway tokens; transit pass; assorted coupons; "angel in my pocket" token; various giftcards with various amounts on them; cheques & chequebook register; lottery tickets to be checked; two strips of photos of me & dh from airport photo booths -- one from Toronto in 1983 and one from our 1985 honeymoon in Calgary; two old wallet-sized photos of dh; & a huge assortment of cards: driver's license, health card, assorted hospital cards; credit & debit cards, office access cards, loyalty/points cards, etc, etc, etc.


What's in yours?

Saturday, October 9, 2010

30 Posts in 30 Days: Day 27: Your worst habit

Dh will tell you: I'm a pack rat. Not "Hoarders"-worthy, but I do find it difficult to throw things out. Even when I know I need to tackle a certain pile of stuff, it's sometimes difficult to find the time or motivation to tackle it. We don't have a lot of storage space in our house, & stuff tends to pile up because I don't always know where to put it.

I find I do my best deep cleaning/purging/reorganizing when I have a big chunk of time to myself -- but that's not very often. If dh is around (which he almost always is), he tends to hover over me saying stuff like, "Throw it out! How about this? How about that? More! More!" Which raises my contrarian hackles & makes me want to dig in my heels, lol. ; )

I think the mere thought of having to sort through 20 years worth of accumulated stuff, purge & pack it all, is one reason why we haven't moved!

Friday, October 8, 2010

30 Posts in 30 Days: Day 26: Your week, in great detail

Most of the days of the working week follow the same pattern I just described in the previous post ("Your day, in great detail"). It used to be that I had yogalates classes on Monday nights during the fall & winter, & our support group meetings on the first and third Thursday nights of the month, but yogalates is no longer being offered (at least, at the convenient location where I took classes) & we stepped down from facilitating last December.

Once every week or so, dh has to take his turn on a rotating schedule, working until 6:30. If I have a lot of work to do myself, or the weather looks really crappy, I stay late too, work until about 6, then walk down to the train station & wait for him there. He comes flying up the stairs about 5 minutes or less before the express train departs; if we miss that one, we have to wait another half hour for the next (non-express) train (& if we miss THAT one, there's not another train for another hour).

But if I'm tired, I head home by myself. Because I don't drive, I take the bus home from the train station & walk from the bus stop (which is not very far). I'm generally home between 5:45 & 6 p.m. I immediately get dinner started -- generally a simple casserole that's ready to eat by the time dh gets home around 7:30. Once it's in the oven, I get changed, take off my makeup, turn on the suppertime news, & enjoy some quiet computer time until dh gets home.

Friday nights, because we don't have to get up at 5 a.m., we sometimes stay up later than our usual 10 p.m. -- although we generally don't make it past 10 or 11 (how pathetic!). We sleep in -- but of course, when you get up at 5 every morning, "sleeping in" generally means until about 7 or 8 (sigh). (Feels good, though!) We have breakfast, I make coffee for dh & tea for me, & we spend some lazy time on the couch with our mugs & the newspapers.

Once we're finished, by 9 or 10, I start cleaning the house & doing laundry. In the summertime, dh goes outside to mow the lawn (never earlier than 10 -- although some of our neighbours have been out there at 8:30 or 9 -- grrrr....), & once he's finished that, he comes inside & does the vacuuming. We pause for some lunch around 12 & then continue. We try to wrap things up & get into the shower by around 3, & head out for dinner around 4:30-5.

Yes, I know that's early. We like to joke that we're practicing to be senior citizens -- but seriously? Out here in the suburbs, most of the restaurants tend to be the chain/family variety. And if you try to go out around 6, you will inevitably wind up standing around a crowded waiting area for anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes, along with mobs of young families trying to shush their whiny toddlers. (Just what every infertile couple wants, right?) ; ) Not to mention that my husband is among the least patient men in the world when it comes to waiting in line for ANYTHING, let alone food. And, frankly, by 5, we're both generally pretty hungry. Because we're away from home for lunch for the week, we don't tend to keep a lot of "lunchy" stuff in the house & the pickings can sometimes be a little on the slim side.

So we take our chances earlier with the seniors, lol. The number of restaurants we eat at has become sadly limited since I started having issues with food reactions. :( But we've found three or four "reliables" that each have a couple of dishes that I know are "safe" for me to eat. Dh could care less about eating out & would probably eat all his meals at home, if he could, but I like having at least one meal out together a week -- kind of like when we were first dating. ; ) We rarely have alcohol, appetizers or desserts, which helps to keep the bills down.

After dinner, we almost always make the pilgrimage to our local megabookstore. There's a Starbucks attached, so we pick up coffees & spend the next hour having a leisurely browse. Usually the afternoon crowd has thinned, so it's not too noisy, although some nights are better than others.

From there, at least once & sometimes twice a month, we drive directly to FIL's house to visit. Usually BIL & SIL & sometimes one or both of our nephews come (from the other end of the city). We sit around the big table in the kitchen, eating & talking.

If it's not a visiting night, & it's in the summer ( = light outside), we will stop at the cemetery for a visit with Katie. Then to the supermarket to pick up some groceries for the coming week. And then home, where we spend a quiet evening, reading our new books, watching TV, playing on the computer.

Sundays we sleep in again & watch CBS Sunday Morning with our tea & coffee. Take our showers & make & eat some lunch while we listen to The Vinyl Cafe on CBC Radio at noon. We used to go out for brunch a lot, but we ran into the same issues with huge lineups everywhere ; ) & decided we really didn't need to be eating out for both Saturday night dinner AND Sunday brunch.

Sometimes we decide to go see a movie (sometimes we go to the earliest show & have popcorn for lunch!). If we haven't been to see Katie, we go to the cemetery; if we were at FIL's the night before, we probably headed straight home afterwards, so we do our grocery shopping on Sunday afternoon (although the store tends to be a lot busier). Sometimes we find ourselves back at the bookstore. Dh tends to get a little stir-crazy if he doesn't get out of the house for at least a little while, although I don't mind so much.

Sunday night, we generally make a casserole or something else with leftovers, so that at least one dinner during the week is taken care of. ; ) I call my parents while it's in the oven, or after we've eaten, & catch up on the news with them. After dinner we watch TV (60 Minutes, if the stories are good; The Simpsons; Battle of the Blades, when it's on) 7 start getting ready for the week ahead. If I have ironing to do, I set up my board in the living room & work at it while we watch.

And that's about it. Pretty quiet. Not terribly exciting. ; ) But as dh says, sometimes routine gets monotonous -- until you get away from your routine for too long, & realize how much you miss it, lol.