(Gradually!) Letting go

My mom called me this afternoon:  Parents' Neighbours' Daughter was bringing newborn Little Princess #3 over to meet them, and she didn't have a gift for her yet. She wanted to know if I would be willing to let her have something from a box of things she'd collected --25 years ago now -- for Katie -- some of them gifts from family friends and neighbours, some things she'd collected herself. 

The box -- a little wooden chest -- sits on the floor in the bedroom where dh & I stay whenever we're there -- but I have never really looked inside to see what's in there. I've peeked a few times in the past and found it just too difficult to explore beyond the surface. (Also, part of me would like my mom to sit with me and tell me what was from who, etc.  But part of me shys away from that too. I know we would both probably cry.) I know there's a fuzzy bunting bag that I remember my mom excitedly telling me about when she bought it, during my pregnancy -- such a bargain!  And a Bunnykins cup and bowl.  (I just did a search, and I wrote a post about this little chest and its contents back in 2009.) 

One of the items in the chest is a little white sweater set, handknit with love by Mom's wonderful neighbour, M., who died some years ago, not too many years after we lost Katie.  M. lived across the street from my parents and next-door to PND & her family, and often looked after PND & her brothers when their parents were out or away on a business trip. PND remembers M. well, and if there's anyone who would appreciate and treasure this lovely gift, it would be her.  

My mom had approached me with a similar request before Little Princess #1 was born in 2011, 12 years ago now. (I found a post I wrote then too!) But back then, I was just not ready to let go anything that would have been Katie's.  

This time, I told my mother yes.    

Monday odds & ends

• Mel is on hiatus from her blog for a few weeks, so no #MicroblogMondays right now (which feels a little strange). 
• Yesterday was Little Great-Niece's baptism. Beyond the actual ceremony at the church, there is traditionally a family celebration at a restaurant or at home later on. We were not invited to the celebration :(  -- but then, neither were any of the parents' other aunts/uncles/cousins. We understand that you have to draw the line somewhere, especially when space is limited, and fair is fair.  
• But we did go to the church, and we brought a gift (a cheque, the same amount we gave to Little Great-Nephew, three years ago).  We wanted to go because we live RIGHT HERE, and of course we did not get to attend Little Great-Nephew's baptism either -- nobody did, because of covid restrictions, other than the priest, the parents, the baby and the godparents.  (And SIL, who knew the priest well and got a call a few minutes before the ceremony was to start:  "Come and watch your grandson be baptized!"  Luckily they live close by too!) (We did get to watch on the church's YouTube live feed!)
• None of the other other uncles & aunts showed up for the church only (and I think at least one of them lives relatively nearby). Of course, most of them have their own kids and grandkids, or the hope of grandkids in the future. Being there probably meant a lot more to us than it did to any of them.  
• Younger Nephew texted me this morning to thank us for coming to the church and for the gift -- and to apologize for not being able to include us later. He was worried that we might be offended.  Awww.  We have two amazing nephews.  :)  
• We did not wear masks. (Gulp.)  I brought one in my purse, but absolutely NO ONE was wearing one, including Younger Nephew & his wife, who are about the most covid-cautious people we know.  The church was large and airy and seemed well ventilated, and while there were a lot of people there, there weren't a lot immediately around us, which made me feel slightly better. Fingers crossed there are no repercussions! 
• I (finally!) went for a pedicure last Thursday afternoon -- for the first time in almost FOUR YEARS. (I did wear a mask then -- and so did the nail techs, more for the fumes than the germs, I think.) 
• The last time I had one was in September 2019, just before Older Nephew's Wife's baby shower (in advance of Little Great-Nephew's November birth).  I intended to get one before we headed west to my parents' house for Christmas that year, but ran out of time and -- well, you know what happened in early 2020.  
• Manicures, I can take or leave, but I do enjoy a nice pedicure -- especially during the summer, when my feet (not especially attractive to begin with) are on constant display, and pre-pandemic, I'd indulged regularly/monthly or so. I'm planning to go again in late September, before our planned weekend at dh's cousin's cottage. :) (Hopefully the weather will still be conducive to sandals by then, although that's not guaranteed...!) 
• Little Princess #3 (!) arrived this past weekend!  Her mom grew up across the street from my parents (hence, I refer to her here as Parents' Neighbours' Daughter, or PND, lol -- and her daughters as Parents' Neighbours' Granddaughters, but more often as the Little Princesses) and is now in her late 30s. Her two older sisters (who will be 9 & 12 soon -- hmmm, I may not be able to refer to them as the "Little" Princesses for much longer...!) are both very excited.  :)  And dh & I are looking forward to spoiling her when we see her!  
• She was born about a week past her due date, which (as you can imagine) made me VERY nervous -- so I was VERY relieved when my mom called to tell me she'd arrived and that all was well!  
• I haven't been keeping track of articles to pass along to you quite as closely during the past week or two (sorry!). But I did notice this great article from Elle Canada about the choice to have children -- or not.  :)  
• Also this from The Guardian: "‘I just assumed it would happen’: the unspoken grief of childless men." 
• Once again, the deadline for a submission to World Childless Week has come & gone without a contribution from me.  :p  I actually started drafting something but it was still WAY too long and unpolished to submit and I just ran out of time. I hope to see some familiar bylines there, though!  
• World Childless Week is Sept. 11th-17th this year.  You can already register for some of the webinars and other live events taking place that week -- visit the website and have a look at what's coming up!   

"The Brutal Telling" by Louise Penny

"The Brutal Telling" by Louise Penny opens in early September, just before the Labour Day weekend.  (This is #5 in the series of her Inspector Gamache/Three Pines murder mystery novels.  It's late August and, coincidentally, I also read the last few books in almost the exact same time periods they were set in --  "The Cruellest Month" (#3) at Eastertime in April, and "A Rule Against Murder" (set in late June) in mid-June.) 

The opening words set the tone of the book:  "Chaos is coming, old son."  Once again, murder disturbs the peace of this lovely little old village in Quebec's Eastern Townships. A body is discovered in Olivier's Bistro, the community's beloved central meeting place. Who was the victim, how did he come to be in the bistro, and why was he killed? The townspeople -- and Gamache -- are not prepared for what the investigation reveals.   

This was a magnificent book in so many ways -- superb writing and characterization, and wise insights into the human condition (as always!).  I loved how Penny wove so many elements into her story -- history (both Canadian and world, ancient and recent), art (Emily Carr and the totem poles of the Indigenous peoples of British Columbia), poetry, humour (Ruth and her pet duck Rosa...!). 

And yet -- I was left feeling slightly dissatisfied at the end. I couldn't quite give it 5 stars for that reason. There seemed to be several questions/loose ends that were never quite explained/resolved (in a satisfactory way, at least) -- and while all the evidence ultimately pointed in one direction, I still found myself not quite believing Gamache had found the right killer in the end. (I didn't want to believe!)

But plot elements from one book in this series have often carried over to others -- and (from reading a couple of the reviews on Goodreads) I understand that the story continues in the next installment (#6, "Bury Your Dead"). (Which is why I think it's important to read this series in order, if at all possible.)  The promise of learning more, plus the wonderful characters and ambiance of Three Pines, will definitely keep me coming back!  

4.5 stars on StoryGraph, rounded down to 4 stars on Goodreads.  

I've now tagged all my previous reviews (plus this one) with a new "Louise Penny/Gamache" label.  :)  

This was Book #32 read to date in 2023 (and Book #5 finished in August), bringing me to 71% of my 2023 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 3 books ahead of schedule. :)  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2023 tagged as "2023 books."  

Friday night odds & ends

• It is cloudy and definitely cool outside today -- the high was just 18C/64F.  It feels like fall. Already. (How did it get to be mid-August??)  
• The skunky smell of cannabis is wafting through our partly-open balcony door again as I type. : p  I must say, though (while knocking wood, LOUDLY!), it has not been the issue this summer that it has been the past couple of years. (Sample complaint post from last summer here.)  We still smell it the odd Friday afternoon/Saturday night, and I'm (relatively) okay with that. (Hey, it's legal here.) But five, six times a day, every day, starting early in the morning (which is what was happening last year)??  Ridiculous. 
• I literally laughed out loud when I read this article in the Toronto Star. Let's just say that I'm VERY well acquainted with the rudest city in Canada!! (and I agree...!) 
• Anne Helen Petersen has been obsessing on her Instagram Stories all week long about something called Bama RushTok. (There are highlights on her Instagram page if you're curious.)   I've been clicking through with the sound off & not clicking on the actual videos (I don't think I could endure listening...!) -- but from what I can tell, it's dozens of girls in TikTok videos, hoping to pledge a college sorority in Alabama (and other states) -- complete with consultants!!  and choreographed group dances. TRULY, TRULY BIZARRE. 
• The girls ALL LOOK THE SAME -- long hair (mostly blond), toothpaste ad-perfect smiles, extremely short skirts -- often baby doll tiered skirts with lots of florals & ruffles (!) and big puffy sleeves -- lots of jewelry (which they show off for the camera), makeup to the hilt and videos filtered to the max.
• I read about sororities in novels when I was a teenager -- and of course "Animal House" was HUGE, just as I was entering university (lolol)(and yes, I went to a few toga parties!)  -- but sororities and fraternities, while they existed at my school, and were somewhat bigger at other Canadian campuses, and still exist today, are pretty much a non-entity here in Canada (as is college football & other college sports -- but that's another post...!).   
• Or maybe I'm just showing my age here??  (I do not do TikTok -- that's where I drew the social media line, lol.)  
• Apparently there's a documentary about this??  (Another article about it here.) 
• Were you ever part of a sorority?  Were they a "thing" when & where you went to school?  
• A new website spotlighting books for people without children -- check it out!  
• Keira, the site creator, has also started a project for "Inclusive Libraries" -- asking libraries to stock books, create programming, etc., for the childless/childfree members of their communities. :)  (Details on the website. Consider asking your local library to help!) 
• In case you haven't noticed it before, the "pages" at the top of the page (underneath the title banner) includes a book list of books related to grief, pregnancy loss (& loss generally), infertility, childlessness, childfree life, pronatalism and adoption (etc. etc.) that I've read and found interesting/helpful, with relevant links to titles and my reviews, where available.  (It hasn't been updated in more than a year, though! -- oops! -- adding this to my blogging to-do list...!)    
• This is a wonderful article from the Walrus about summer camp. But not the kind of summer camp you might expect. It's worth a read!  
• Yael Wolfe does it again -- I couldn't help but exclaim "Oh hell YES!"  out loud as I read her recent piece on Medium, titled  "Why Do We Assume Childless Women Have Easy, Frivolous Lives?" (Subhead: "How childless women pay an unfair price at the hands of pronatalism and misogyny.")  Unfortunately, it's a "member-only" story and there are no gift links, but here are a couple of (edited) excerpts (soooooo hard to choose just a few!!):  

Do whatever I want, whenever I want? Again, what adult woman can truly say this? What human of any age or gender can say this?

Sure, there are nuggets of truth to these statements. I could sleep until noon if I wanted. I can sleep through the night without a baby or child waking me up. I don’t have to secure the welfare of little children 24/7 or make sure they get their vaccinations, dental cleanings, daily lunches, and rides to soccer practice.

But that doesn’t mean I’m living a life of no responsibilities, a life of leisure, a life where I only need fulfill my own selfish desires.

There is so much missing from this story, it astounds me that another human being wouldn’t realize that.

and

I don’t like that so many women have so little curiosity about a childless woman’s life that they feel comfortable making up any story they like. And I definitely don’t like that the story they make up positions childless women as selfish, immature, and lazy.

and 

The conditioning to believe that women without children are worthless and just “taking up space” is strong and deep. Sometimes, from what I’ve seen, it appears that women are more apt to be taken in by this propaganda than men are.

But do you know what kills propaganda? A little something I mentioned earlier: curiosity.

What would it be like to be curious about a childless woman’s life instead of defining it with assumptions? What would happen if mothers realized that childless women have challenges, responsibilities, and hardships, too?

And what would it be like to live in a culture that treated childless women like adults, instead of young, selfish women who never quite grew up?

You know how we can find out? Instead of telling childless women how lucky they are to get to sleep until noon…get to know her in a way that allows you to learn about her life.

And be willing to consider it just as valuable as the life of a mother.

"The House on the Cliff" by D.E. Stevenson

"The House on the Cliff" by D.E. Stevenson, first published in 1966,  is the next book my DES online group will begin reading & discussing together shortly, chapter by chapter. (I like to read the book all the way through myself before we start.  Once we're finished, I'll count it as a re-read.)  

(Unfortunately for me, many DES titles -- including this one -- are currently only available in Kindle format -- and, as I've recently written, my Amazon account, including Kindle app, are currently suspended as Amazon & my credit card company wrangle over the matter of payment after I was recently scammed. Fortunately, however, my tech-savvy sister was able to source a free epub copy I could read on my Kobo in the meantime!  :)  )  

I'm pretty sure this is one of the DES books that I read and loved as a teenager, almost (gulp) 50 years ago now (and there may possibly be a yellowed paperback copy gathering dust somewhere in the depths of my parents' crawl space...) -- the title & cover art are so familiar -- but I had absolutely no recollection of what it was all about. 

Although it wasn't hard to guess. "The House on the Cliff" is typical DES fare: young Elfrida Jane Ware is struggling. Her father disappeared years ago and is presumed dead, her mother recently died, her fledgling career as an actress is floundering, and Glen Siddons, the handsome co-star she secretly loves, takes little notice of her.  

Then she learns that the grandmother she never knew has also recently died and she's now the heir to Mountain Cross, the big old house by the sea in Devonshire where her mother grew up (albeit not a lot of cash to fund the upkeep). Curious to at least see the house before deciding to sell it, and encouraged by her eccentric landlady (who makes a brief but memorable appearance), she quits her current job and heads to Devon in the company of her young lawyer, Ronald Leighton. She's just nicely settled into her new home and new life when someone from her past pays her an unexpected visit... 

This was short book, quick and easy to zip through.  I've often said Stevenson's books are the literary equivalent of comfort food. They're a little old-fashioned -- often short on plot (and, too often, end a little too abruptly for my liking, albeit always happily!), highly predictable -- but the simplicity can be deceptive. She has a keen eye for the foibles of human behaviour as well as the beauty of the natural world, and has a knack for creating memorable characters, both major & minor. All these things are evident here.  

ALI alert/content warning:  Plot elements include a child in jeopardy and a de facto adoption. 

3.5 stars on StoryGraph, rounded down to 3 stars on Goodreads. 

This was Book #31 read to date in 2023 (and Book #4 finished in August), bringing me to 69% of my 2023 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 3 books ahead of schedule. :)  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2023 tagged as "2023 books."  

"The Enchanted April" by Elizabeth von Arnim

My Gateway/Lighthouse (now Childless Collective) book club co-host and I have been actively searching for -- and reading -- books that might be a good fit for our group (key requirement:  no "miracle" babies!). Several members had mentioned "The Enchanted April" by Elizabeth von Arnim -- and if not the book, then many have seen & loved the 1991 movie adaptation (which I have not seen, but which I hear is very good). I'd been meaning to read this one for a while now anyway, and decided to check it out. 

Reading the newspaper on a rainy February afternoon at her women's club, Mrs. Lotty Wilkins spots an ad addressed "To Those Who Appreciate Wistaria and Sunshine," offering a fully-furnished medieval castle in Portofino to rent for the month of April (servants included). Across the room, Mrs. Rose Arbuthnot is reading the same newspaper and lingering over the same ad.  Vaguely dissatisfied with their lives and marriages and longing for a holiday, the two women recruit two others to share expenses -- the beautiful, weary, aristocratic Lady Caroline Dester, and the very proper and easily offended Mrs. Fisher -- and head to Italy for a month-long vacation that will change all of their lives..... 

"The Enchanted April" was written in 1922 -- post-war (WWI) England, a full century ago -- and is based on the author's stay in a real-life castle on the Italian Riviera. Supposedly it set off a flood of tourists to the region that continues to this day.  As with many "classic" novels, the writing is much denser, more wordy and slower-moving than what we're used to reading today. There are lengthy passages in which we're treated to the thoughts of the characters -- sometimes really petty, sometimes quite amusing, particularly when differences in class & character/personality are involved. It's easy to get bogged down in the torrent of words at times. 

But there's a lot here to enjoy too -- not just the lovely descriptions of Italy in the springtime, but the dry humour, and the philosophical questions and moral dilemmas presented, which would be excellent fodder for discussion in a book club setting.  :)  I could certainly relate to the different characters' expressed desire for peace and quiet, and to be left alone -- to sit in the sun and do absolutely nothing (which the servants find very strange). The pace picks up in the last few chapters, which hold a few surprises...!  

I can practically guarantee you will close the book thinking of when to take your next holiday -- and a holiday in Italy, specifically!  :)  

ALI alert/mild spoiler:  None of the characters seems to have children -- they are not mentioned. One of the women lost a baby. It's not a major plot point, but it's obviously one of the sources of the malaise she is feeling.  

4 stars on Goodreads. 

This was Book #30 read to date in 2023 (and Book #3 finished in August), bringing me to 67% of my 2023 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 3 books ahead of schedule. :)  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2023 tagged as "2023 books."  

#MicroblogMondays: Read all about it (if you can!)

You all know how much I love sharing links to news stories on my blog that I think you might find interesting -- especially stories about childlessness, infertility, pregnancy loss, and grief & loss generally.  I generally don't share these kinds of articles on my social media accounts -- but I do frequently share other news articles there.  

Right now, however, I can't share -- or view -- news articles of any kind on any of Meta's platforms. This is not because of anything that I, personally, have done -- millions of Canadians are in the same situation right now. It's because Meta, which owns Facebook and Instagram, among other social media platforms, is embroiled in a dispute with the Canadian federal government, which recently passed legislation requiring them to start paying news outlets for the news links shared & viewed on their platforms. (Here's a Q&A that might be helpful.)  Google is also threatening to remove my (& other Canadians') ability to see news articles there because of this legislation. A similar situation happened in Australia a while back;  that dispute was eventually resolved.  

Personally, I don't rely on social media for my news, as some people say they do -- although I do share articles there. I have digital subscriptions to several online newspapers and other publications (Canadian and American), and I get daily email newsletters from most of them, highlighting articles that might be of interest to me. I also get notifications from my news apps on my phone.  (I do find some pretty interesting articles from international publications via Facebook & Instagram posts from CNBC friends there.)  We also watch daily newscasts on CBC TV, and CNN and/or the CBC News Network channels are our default viewing when nothing else is on that we want to watch.  So I think I will be able to stay pretty well informed.  

Still, it's annoying to see this message popping up in my feed: 

And it's annoying not to be able to share a good article that I've found with my friends on Facebook -- or to read the ones that those outside of Canada have posted there. 

I've read the arguments from both sides. As a former journalist, my sympathies are with the news organizations, whose business models were completely upended by the advent of the Internet & social media, which has drawn away the advertising & subscriber dollars that keep them running. Media outlets are going under at an alarming rate, local media in particular.  This is a U.S. example, but the local weekly newspaper in the next county over from where my mother grew up just ceased publication (along with several others in the area),  leaving the county without local news for the first time in well over a century.  The local newspaper in Mom's home town/county, in operation since 1882, is still chugging along... fingers crossed!!  

As a user of both traditional & social media, my main feeling is that, as usual, we the people are getting the short end of the stick. :(  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.