World Childless Week, Day Five: Have You Got Kids?

Day Five of  World Childless Week 2025 is all about how we answer (or don't answer) that seemingly innocent (but dreaded) question: "Have you got kids?"  

From the website description: 

Do you make a joke or try to change the subject, to hide your emotions? Do you simply respond “no” or give them an indepth answer and put them on the end of feeling awkward? Are there things you’d like to say but instead bite your tongue whilst holding back tears? How does this question make you feel? 

Is it time for us to CHANGE the NARRATIVE? 

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I don't think I've written any posts that deal specifically with this question -- but I'm sure there's a few anecdotes on this blog somewhere...! -- because I most certainly have been asked this question (many times) -- and had to deal with the awkwardness that always follows when I have to tell people "no."  

In my/our younger days, before or while we were trying to conceive, I would say no, followed by a vague "One of these days..."  

I remember being at an engagement party for one of dh's cousins, about 30 years ago, when we were in the very early stages of ttc, after 10 years of marriage. I was chatting with the future groom -- we'd met a few times before, but hadn't really had a personal conversation between us -- and he asked me the dreaded question. When I said no, he practically shouted (in front of the entire party), "WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR??" (I've often wondered whether he remembers that conversation -- because I sure do -- and/or regrets his words -- especially given how things evolved in the years after that...!) 

And I distinctly remember being at an all-day/12-hour scrapbooking crop (post-loss and failed fertility treatments) and being seated at a table with a couple of women who were friends -- and moms -- and chatting away non-stop about their children (all day!), while working on scrapbook pages about them. "Do you have any kids?"  one finally asked me. "No," I said. That immediately killed the conversation, not only for the next few minutes, but for the rest of the day! -- they completely ignored me after that, and neither of them addressed another word to me!!  Talk about awkward...!  

Almost as bad:  the follow-up assumptive questions or remarks:  "What's the matter, don't you like kids?"  Or, "Must be nice...." Or, "Oh, you must get to do a lot of travelling then!" (Actually, no -- I had a job, I had family to visit during my vacation, and even when you're retired, you can't afford to travel 365 days a year...!) 

The good news is, now that I'm in my 60s, I don't get asked very often anymore. (Of course I haven't actually met a lot of new people lately...!) 

I'm of a few minds when it comes to answering this question. First -- if people are going to ask the question, they need to be prepared for the answer, even if it's not the usual one (and even if it's difficult for them to hear, if they press me on "why not?").  Second, it's entirely acceptable to deflect a bit with a response along the lines of "Well, that's a kind of painful topic..." And third, not everyone has earned the right to hear my story. If they press further, it's okay to firmly respond, "It's not something I'm comfortable talking about" -- and/or "Next subject?" (Although it's amazing to me how many women/mothers find it difficult to talk about or show interest in any subject other than their children...!) 

Check out today's content on the WCW site, including community members' contributions, and four free, live webinars related to this subject. They will be recorded and the links will be posted later on the Day Five page and WCW YouTube channel for anyone who cannot watch live.