Lisa Belkin must have gotten the message about National Infertility Awareness Week! ; ) (although the words have not yet appeared in her blog) For the second consecutive day, the New York Times blog Motherlode tackles an infertility-related topic, via a guest blogger: secondary infertility.
11 comments so far... including several calls for further discussion on the subject of pregnancy loss.
As I mentioned on Emily's blog, I Google-News-ed "National Infertility Awareness Week" & came up with exactly 22 references... most of them press releases, with various organizations (including PETA!!) pushing their own angle. :(
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Article: "Too Many Ways to Have a Baby?"
Lisa Belkin's Motherlode blog at the New York Times asks the question today, "Too Many Ways to Have a Baby?" and "where is the line between reasonable and too much, and how do you know when you've reached it?"
101 reader comments (and counting...!)... with the usual share of "why don't they just adopt?"s, but also some thought-provoking points and personal stories.
101 reader comments (and counting...!)... with the usual share of "why don't they just adopt?"s, but also some thought-provoking points and personal stories.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Which would you choose?
Suddenly, I'm popular. Not just one, but two invitations for the same day -- and Mother's Day, no less!! Who'd-a thunk?? Little ol' infertile, deadbabymama me!
Since dh's mother died long before I was able to meet her, and my own mother lives 1,500 miles away, dh & I have usually been left to our own devices on Mother's Day -- which is generally how we like it. I wrote this post about Mother's Day & me last year.
We've already (reluctantly) accepted the first invitation we received last month. As I wrote earlier, dh & I will be spending Mother's Day living out every infertile woman/bereaved mother's bad dream -- attending a baptism (for stepBIL's son). Being that it is stepMIL's grandson -- her only, long-awaited grandchild -- we HAVE to go. There is no way we can excuse ourselves.
But today, I received an e-mail from one of dh's (female) cousins. If there is enough interest, she & one of the other female cousins are proposing to organize a Mother's Day brunch outing, just for "the girls" -- the aunts, the female cousins, their own daughters (who range in age from 2 to 18), & the male cousins' wives (including me).
I don't know whether the group brunch idea will ultimately come off. And obviously, having accepted the baptism invitation (& since FIL's wife trumps the aunts & cousins on the other side of the family anyway), I had to decline the brunch invitation.
I know there's a third choice -- digging in my heels & turning down both invitations, & doing what dh & I always do (cemetery, movie &/or shopping, avoidance, lol). Needless to say, I have no spine. ; )
But anyway, this got me thinking. Theoretically -- let's say I got both invitations on the same day at the same time -- and had to pick one (i.e., turning both down was not an option). Which invitation should/would I accept?
Other assumptions in this theoretical world:
- I am not having any problems with food reactions, so they are not a consideration in thinking about the food. ; )
- I don't have to worry about offending FIL if I go for brunch instead.
Factors to consider in each scenario:
- Baptism: There will be about 40-50 people attending. Only a handful of small children, if any, although there will certainly be much to-do made over the guest of honour. I will know most of the people there (stepMIL's family), although not extremely well. There will be other childless women there, although they are the doting aunts of the baby. We will be attending a church service, followed by lunch at an Italian restaurant, all close to where dh & I live.
- Brunch: If all those invited attend, there would be four older women, 10 cousins/cousins' wives, and five girls ages 2-18. I am probably more comfortable generally with this group, & they are a lot of fun to be around. I think it's nice to be included in the invitation. However!! I would be the only adult female there who does not have a (living) child. And, with the conversation at such gatherings usually very kid-focused, I am sure I would ultimately wind up feeling a little bored/frustrated/resentful/sad, etc. The restaurant has not been picked yet, and it would probably be farther from where I live (in which case I would have to either get dh to take me or hitch a ride with cousin/neighbour's wife, assuming she & her daughters are going too) but I'm sure it would be a nice brunch.
Which invitation would YOU accept, & why? I'm curious to hear your responses!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
She's a little bit country, I'm a little bit sappy...
(This is post #250!)
How sappy am I, you ask? OK, confession time (but remember, I grew up in the 1970s).
I was an Osmonds fan.
Still am, actually. (Yes, I admit it.) Yes, I know. The teeth. The hair. The squeaky-cleanness. The imitation Elvis jumpsuits. The barbershop harmonies. The corny skits on the Donny & Marie Show. The Andy Williams Show, for crying out loud.
But when you're a 12-year-old girl living a sheltered small-town life in the 1970s (pre-Internet, pre-cellphones -- even pre-Pong, for Pete's sake...), that can all be mighty appealing -- the very idea of a guy who doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, and won't push you to do things you might not be ready for. The Osmonds were Mormons. I didn't know much about the Mormon faith then -- Mormons being a pretty rare species in my part of the world back then -- but I did know (from that font of knowledge, Tiger Beat Magazine) that they married not just "till death do us part," but for "time & eternity" -- and that sounded wildly romantic to my teenaged self.
Previously, a big David Cassidy poster had graced the door of my bedroom. (It was starting to wear a little on his lips, where I kissed him every night before I went to bed.) One early 1970s summer, however, however, my best friends from across the street saw the Osmonds on "American Bandstand" (which they taped on their audio cassette tape recorder -- which is what we did if we wanted to preserve a TV memory in those pre-VCR days), bought the "Osmonds Live" album & before long, my sister & I were hooked too. (Donny sang Elton John's "Your Song" on that album. I don't think I had heard of Elton John at that point -- remember, I was only 11 or 12 years old! -- but I fell in love with that song. It's still one of my favourites, and was a close runner-up for our first dance song at our wedding. Still do. So if anything, I owe the Osmonds for introducing me to Elton John!)
Anyway, by the time I was in high school, the posters eventually came down & my musical tastes diversified to Elton John, the Eagles, Linda Ronstadt and Fleetwood Mac (eventually)(I'll tell you about my last big teen idol fling -- the Bay City Rollers -- some other time...!!). But I still got a kick out of seeing the Osmonds on TV now & then. And still do, perhaps even more so, as the years have passed. They're a fond reminder of the more innocent days of my growing up years.
Of course, that was (gulp) well over 35 years ago. They're all older and greyer now -- but hey, so am I. ; ) They have had their share of personal problems and pain. They ran into financial problems in the 1980s and spent years paying off debts. Alan has MS. Wayne had a brain tumour (that was successfully operated on). Marie has been divorced (twice). Donny admitted to suffering from social anxiety in his memoir, Life is Just What You Make It, and is now a grandfather (!!!). Both of their parents have passed away.
But I still think they are an immensely talented family. And they can still make me cry, albeit for different reasons than when I was a lovesick teenager. I watched their family reunion show on "Oprah" & their 50th anniversary special on PBS last winter, Kleenex box at my side.
Back in the mid-1990s, I finally got to meet Donny, after standing in line my entire lunch hour (& then some) at the Toronto Eaton Centre, when he made a promotional appearance for "Joseph & the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" (when it played in Toronto the second time around). (My girlfriend & I later went to see the show & had a blast.) It was worth the wait. He was around 40 by then, I think -- he looked older (but hey, so did I!) -- but still damned good. : )
Anyway -- I didn't want to blog about the Osmonds for simple nostalgia's sake. I recently picked up Marie's new book, Might As Well Laugh About It Now. I had read her previous book, Behind the Smile, which described her struggles with post-partum depression, including a much-publicized incident in which she left her children with the babysitter and disappeared for a long drive up the California coast. (She later learned that her mother had done almost exactly the same thing, some 40 years earlier!) Marie now has eight children. Four of them are biological, four are adopted, and if you ask her which are which, she'll tell you she doesn't remember.
This book came about when she was asked to write a full autobiography. She decided she wasn't ready to do that but, in thinking back over the rich experiences of her life, she realized she had gained a lot of insight over the years that she could share. The book is a "Chicken Soup for the Soul" style collection of vignettes from Marie's personal and professional life -- some of them funny, some of them poignant -- and each chapter has a life lesson at its core for the reader.
The last chapter of the book, "You'll Be There," is the one that left me going, "Wow, I had no idea." I had dh read it & he had to admit it was pretty touching too. It describes the birth -- and death -- of Marie's niece, Jennifer -- her (non-performing) brother Tom's fifth child -- in 1981. Marie writes of how her mother and brother called her from the hospital, telling her the baby was not expected to live very long, and asking her to come support her brother.
Initially, Marie didn't think she could. She feared that she would "fall apart." "I couldn't face my brother's pain, knowing that there would be nothing I could do to fix it," she says.
But then she had a brief vision -- the image of a small, dark-haired girl, hugging her, greeting her at what appears to be the entrance to Heaven, saying, "You'll be there, won't you?
And so she went to the hospital. And comforted her brother. And held her tiny niece before she died.
"Jennifer was an impetus in the creation of the Children's Miracle Network, which, in turn, helps more than 17 million children and their families every single year," she writes. I knew that the Osmond family played a role in the creation of the Children's Miracle Network, but -- even though I consider myself a longtime fan -- I had never heard of baby Jennifer before this.
There is more to the story -- involving the death of Marie's mother a few years ago, the appearance of two monarch butterflies at her funeral (monarch butterflies, of course, hold a great deal of significance for dh & me and the members of our support group), and a Mother's Day shopping trip that leads to a special purchase (not to mention an ice cream sundae).
But I'll let you read it for yourself.
Monday, April 20, 2009
A funeral
Thursday morning, I was at my desk at work when my phone rang. The call display showed FIL's number.
I totally froze. My in-laws NEVER call me at work. I knew they were not just calling to say hello.
I did not want to pick up the phone.
But I knew I had to be a grownup. I steeled myself for whatever was about to come, & picked up the phone.
It was stepMIL -- and, as I had feared, it was bad news -- although not the news I had most dreaded. She was calling to tell me that one of dh's aunts had passed away. (SIL had given her my number; she didn't have dh's.) So I had the sad duty of calling my husband to tell him his aunt had died -- the first one of his father's siblings to pass away.
His aunt, not quite two years younger than FIL (who is the eldest of the 7 sibilings -- all but two now living in Canada) had not been entirely well. Alzheimer's disease has robbed her memory these last several years, to the point that she knew none of us anymore, but she actually died of a heart attack.
Visitation was Sunday, & the funeral was today. Dh & I had a volunteer meeting for our support group during the day, so we went in the evening. Even though I was among friends, & other bereaved mothers, I found my throat constricting during our volunteer meeting (hours after I'd had breakfast). Anxiety rearing its ugly, irrational head again. : ( On the bright side, I made it through lunch (a salmon salad sandwich with some cantaloupe & pineapple slices) without incident. Got through the funeral home visit OK, but felt a brief bit of anxiety again toward the end of our visit.
Woke up at 3 a.m. & couldn't get back to sleep. I finally figured out that there were two things that were bothering me. First, one of dh's cousins had remarked that Aunt's blood pressure the previous day had been unusually high -- 170/110 -- & the dr was to visit her to adjust her medication. (My own blood pressure, of course, has spiked at almost that level recently, albeit in the throes of a food reaction/anxiety attack.)
The second? Aunt was wearing her glasses in her casket. I had smiled & remarked to dh that I was glad they did that, because it made Aunt look more like herself. I recalled that my grandmother also wore her glasses in her casket. Illness had changed her appearance so much that, if it weren't for the glasses, she would have been totally unrecognizable to me. That got me thinking about my grandmother, & how much I still miss her, almost 10 years later. And that got me sobbing.
Finally drifted off to sleep again for a few more hours before we got up & got ready for the funeral. It was a Catholic mass, of course. Several of dh's cousins had brought their small children along (everyone in the family who could babysit was all there), including one sweet baby girl, born last November -- almost 10 years to the day from Katie's due date.
That alone might have been bearable -- but then the priest launched into his homily -- an ode to Aunt, & her devotion to motherhood & grandmotherhood. Really, what more could be said about Aunt? She did not work, certainly not after she had her children. When I first met her, some 25 years after her arrival in Canada, she still could barely speak English. Her family was her life.
The priest went on & on, extolling the virtues & the rewards of motherhood. He talked about the pains that mothers go through during delivery (like he knows??). "But the moment she hears her baby cry, the pain is all worth it."
Yes, I thought, but what about those of us who get to go through labour without hearing that cry at the end of it all? And those who never get to be pregnant at all, try as they might?
And then I remembered how, shortly after Katie's stillbirth, dh & I had gone over to FIL's house, & Aunt & Uncle had been there. Some brief condolences were exchanged. Aunt said something to dh in Italian & I saw his expression change. "Really??" he said.
He turned to me: "It happened to her, too." He asked her a question in Italian, & she responded, her eyes cast down at the table. "Seven months," he said to me. "I had no idea."
I touched Aunt's arm. "Girl or boy?" I said. "A little girl," she whispered, with pain in her eyes, & then shook her head, lips set together.
So before Aunt knew the joy of a baby's cry, she too also knew the wrenching sorrow of a silent delivery room. I thought of that, & of that nameless (to me, anyway), forgotten baby girl, as the priest talked.
I hope wherever they both are now, they have found each other at last.
I totally froze. My in-laws NEVER call me at work. I knew they were not just calling to say hello.
I did not want to pick up the phone.
But I knew I had to be a grownup. I steeled myself for whatever was about to come, & picked up the phone.
It was stepMIL -- and, as I had feared, it was bad news -- although not the news I had most dreaded. She was calling to tell me that one of dh's aunts had passed away. (SIL had given her my number; she didn't have dh's.) So I had the sad duty of calling my husband to tell him his aunt had died -- the first one of his father's siblings to pass away.
His aunt, not quite two years younger than FIL (who is the eldest of the 7 sibilings -- all but two now living in Canada) had not been entirely well. Alzheimer's disease has robbed her memory these last several years, to the point that she knew none of us anymore, but she actually died of a heart attack.
Visitation was Sunday, & the funeral was today. Dh & I had a volunteer meeting for our support group during the day, so we went in the evening. Even though I was among friends, & other bereaved mothers, I found my throat constricting during our volunteer meeting (hours after I'd had breakfast). Anxiety rearing its ugly, irrational head again. : ( On the bright side, I made it through lunch (a salmon salad sandwich with some cantaloupe & pineapple slices) without incident. Got through the funeral home visit OK, but felt a brief bit of anxiety again toward the end of our visit.
Woke up at 3 a.m. & couldn't get back to sleep. I finally figured out that there were two things that were bothering me. First, one of dh's cousins had remarked that Aunt's blood pressure the previous day had been unusually high -- 170/110 -- & the dr was to visit her to adjust her medication. (My own blood pressure, of course, has spiked at almost that level recently, albeit in the throes of a food reaction/anxiety attack.)
The second? Aunt was wearing her glasses in her casket. I had smiled & remarked to dh that I was glad they did that, because it made Aunt look more like herself. I recalled that my grandmother also wore her glasses in her casket. Illness had changed her appearance so much that, if it weren't for the glasses, she would have been totally unrecognizable to me. That got me thinking about my grandmother, & how much I still miss her, almost 10 years later. And that got me sobbing.
Finally drifted off to sleep again for a few more hours before we got up & got ready for the funeral. It was a Catholic mass, of course. Several of dh's cousins had brought their small children along (everyone in the family who could babysit was all there), including one sweet baby girl, born last November -- almost 10 years to the day from Katie's due date.
That alone might have been bearable -- but then the priest launched into his homily -- an ode to Aunt, & her devotion to motherhood & grandmotherhood. Really, what more could be said about Aunt? She did not work, certainly not after she had her children. When I first met her, some 25 years after her arrival in Canada, she still could barely speak English. Her family was her life.
The priest went on & on, extolling the virtues & the rewards of motherhood. He talked about the pains that mothers go through during delivery (like he knows??). "But the moment she hears her baby cry, the pain is all worth it."
Yes, I thought, but what about those of us who get to go through labour without hearing that cry at the end of it all? And those who never get to be pregnant at all, try as they might?
And then I remembered how, shortly after Katie's stillbirth, dh & I had gone over to FIL's house, & Aunt & Uncle had been there. Some brief condolences were exchanged. Aunt said something to dh in Italian & I saw his expression change. "Really??" he said.
He turned to me: "It happened to her, too." He asked her a question in Italian, & she responded, her eyes cast down at the table. "Seven months," he said to me. "I had no idea."
I touched Aunt's arm. "Girl or boy?" I said. "A little girl," she whispered, with pain in her eyes, & then shook her head, lips set together.
So before Aunt knew the joy of a baby's cry, she too also knew the wrenching sorrow of a silent delivery room. I thought of that, & of that nameless (to me, anyway), forgotten baby girl, as the priest talked.
I hope wherever they both are now, they have found each other at last.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Yesterday's visit with Dr. Allergist
I managed to make it through the rest of the week after Monday without another reaction (yay me). Yesterday was my long-awaited appointment with Dr. Allergist. I set my food diary in front of her & she said, "So, what conclusions have you reached?" (Like I'm the doctor?!)
I told her I don't dispute that I may have some food allergies -- but I thought that at least some of this might be anxiety-related. And after listening to me for awhile, although she didn't outright say so, I got the feeling she thought so too (!). She also didn't discount my hormones theory, saying there is definitely a connection between hormones & asthma and hormones & migraines... but then she said, "But then what do you do about it?" (i.e., there is not much you CAN do). She said she could send me to a gynecologist, & I told her I had already been to Dr. Ob-gyn that week & he didn't think I needed blood tests or hormone supplements at this point.
She did more scratch tests on me for about a dozen more fruits & vegetables (all of which were negative), & had some blood drawn. Told me I shouldn't be afraid to eat but to use caution on the foods that may be a problem for me. She seemed particularly concerned about those that cross-react with tree & grass pollen (which is sometimes a seasonal problem for me) -- including apples, pears, peaches, plums, nectarines, cherries, & almonds -- in raw form, that is (cooked is better, boiled is best). These have never been a problem for me in the past, but...
She also suggested that I should try taking a daily antihistamine for awhile,that it might help break the cycle I seem to be in right now. I asked whether that would raise my blood pressure, & she said no, it's decongestants that do that, not antihistamines. I'm going to double-check with my family dr, but I think I'd like to try it (especially since she said I can take one of the non-sedating ones instead of the Benadryl, which totally throws me for a loop). I'm going to go back to see her in July.
In the end, she told me she is not too worried about me -- & not to be afraid to eat! So I'm feeling better & more hopeful about the situation. It was a 15-minute walk there & then back again from the subway -- a wealthy, midtown neighbourhood full of big old brick houses & big old trees, not far from the apartment where we lived when we were first married. It was a GORGEOUS day! (& I went straight from the dr's office to the train station to meet dh) That made me feel better too. : )
I told her I don't dispute that I may have some food allergies -- but I thought that at least some of this might be anxiety-related. And after listening to me for awhile, although she didn't outright say so, I got the feeling she thought so too (!). She also didn't discount my hormones theory, saying there is definitely a connection between hormones & asthma and hormones & migraines... but then she said, "But then what do you do about it?" (i.e., there is not much you CAN do). She said she could send me to a gynecologist, & I told her I had already been to Dr. Ob-gyn that week & he didn't think I needed blood tests or hormone supplements at this point.
She did more scratch tests on me for about a dozen more fruits & vegetables (all of which were negative), & had some blood drawn. Told me I shouldn't be afraid to eat but to use caution on the foods that may be a problem for me. She seemed particularly concerned about those that cross-react with tree & grass pollen (which is sometimes a seasonal problem for me) -- including apples, pears, peaches, plums, nectarines, cherries, & almonds -- in raw form, that is (cooked is better, boiled is best). These have never been a problem for me in the past, but...
She also suggested that I should try taking a daily antihistamine for awhile,that it might help break the cycle I seem to be in right now. I asked whether that would raise my blood pressure, & she said no, it's decongestants that do that, not antihistamines. I'm going to double-check with my family dr, but I think I'd like to try it (especially since she said I can take one of the non-sedating ones instead of the Benadryl, which totally throws me for a loop). I'm going to go back to see her in July.
In the end, she told me she is not too worried about me -- & not to be afraid to eat! So I'm feeling better & more hopeful about the situation. It was a 15-minute walk there & then back again from the subway -- a wealthy, midtown neighbourhood full of big old brick houses & big old trees, not far from the apartment where we lived when we were first married. It was a GORGEOUS day! (& I went straight from the dr's office to the train station to meet dh) That made me feel better too. : )
Updates from earlier in a busy week
(I drafted the following post last Wednesday, April 15th, but have been too busy to revise & publish it until now. I'll bring things up to date in a separate post.)
The Easter long weekend was very quiet. We decided to do all the cleaning on Good Friday. I was in my grub clothes, unshowered, with my uncombed head stuck in one of the kitchen cupboards, reorganizing, when I heard dh talking to someone at the front door. Lo & behold, it was my 80-year-old FIL!! He hasn't dropped by like that in a long time.
He hugged me & then gave me a puzzled but concerned look & said, "Laura!! [He calls me Laura, Italian-style.] What happen to you??" I KNEW everyone would get their shorts in a knot when dh told stepMIL about my food reactions. I reassured him that I was OK, but I needed to be careful about what I eat, at least until I can see my dr again.
I was only half the reason he was there, of course. He produced a bag for dh & wished him a happy birthday. I know he was feeling guilty that we weren't going to be together for that, or for Easter. In it was a new golf shirt -- & a big package of sausages, lol. I could tell dh was totally tickled. I put down the dust rag & made them both espressos. I'm glad he came over.
*** *** ***
Many ideas for posts zoom through my head in a day. These last 2-3 weeks, however, I've been preoccupied with what the heck is happening to my body. Since Saturday, March 28, I have 9 (count 'em) reaction episodes (including three in a row, on dh's birthday Saturday, Easter and Easter Monday). Most of them, especially the last several, have thankfully been on the milder side.
Still, they take their toll. I've been going to bed early, & not sleeping too badly. But I've been having lots of weird dreams, & I still feel exhausted a great deal of the time. And HUNGRY. I've been trying to be very careful with what I eat, stick to the tried & true, eat very simply, not eat anything remotely questionable -- certainly not anything I've reacted to before -- at least until I can see Dr. Allergist again (this Friday). Which means my diet has been pretty narrow (not to mention monotonous). I've been taking leftovers for lunch to work most days the last two weeks. A lot of pasta with broccoli or peas or zucchini with garlic sautéed in olive oil, since I've been able to eat that without incident to date. I know I haven't been eating enough protein, or fruits & vegetables.
Yesterday (Tuesday), I went to see a counsellor from my company's employee assistance program to talk about the stress and anxiety I've been feeling related to my allergic reactions. I specifically asked to see a counsellor dh & I had seen about two years ago. She was really great in zooming in on the fact that both of us were basically dealing with midlife crisis issues (!) -- so I figured she would be sympathetic to this particular phase of mine (!), & she was. She is a social worker & not a psychologist, & so really can't "treat" anxiety -- but said she could provide me with a referral, if that's what I wanted. She said I'm doing all the right things to try to deal with this situation -- encouraged me to get more exercise & cut back on the caffeine, & told me about some mind-body meditation/relaxation programs I might investigate. I am going back to see her next week, after I get through this week's appointments.
Today (Wednesday) was my annual checkup with Dr. Ob-gyn. I hadn't given it much thought before I went… and his office is not in the same location it was during my pregnancy. Nevertheless, the entire floor he's on is devoted to reproductive biology, maternal-fetal medicine, etc. To get to his office, one must walk down a series of loooonnnnggggg, winding corridors -- all lined with pregnant women & babies, both in real life & in the posters on the wall. Eeeekkkk!!
In the waiting area, I deliberately sat in the first row of chairs, where I didn't have to look at any of the waiting patients & their pregnant bellies behind me, & buried my nose in the magazine I had brought with me… but I still saw them coming to the desk. I also found it hard to ignore a rambunctious toddler & his dad, who was carrying his newborn brother or sister around, waiting for mom.
Eventually I was called from the large waiting area to a row of chairs closer to the dr's office & the examination rooms. There was a pregnant woman in the room across the hall. The door remained open while the nurse took her blood pressure, & I could hear every word of the conversation. She was asking a great deal of questions, & then she said, "You see, I had a baby die inside of me before and…" and I froze. Another reminder that we never know what is going in the lives of people around us.
Even so, my bp was 120/80! I am glad the nurse took it when she did because, when she left me alone to get undressed, put on a gown & wait for the doctor, I could actually hear the unmistakable sound of the doppler in the examination room next door. I could hear every friggin' beat of that baby's heart, & while I am very glad that is what the mother got to hear, I thought it was going to drive me nuts. :(
Fortunately, I didn't have to wait too long for Dr. Ob-gyn to arrive. Internal was normal. I told him about my weird food reactions -- & the fact that so many of them seem to take place around my period or my PMS phase. He said they really know very little about the connections between allergies & hormones (& whether they in fact exist). And since my periods & cycles are still pretty much normal, he very much doubts there is anything hormonal going on. "You are NOT in menopause," he emphasized. He said he didn't think bloodwork would be worthwhile at this point, because hormonal levels fluctuate so much from day to day. He told me pretty much what I expected to hear, but I thought it was worthwhile tossing it out anyway.
Friday: Back to Dr. Allergist.
The Easter long weekend was very quiet. We decided to do all the cleaning on Good Friday. I was in my grub clothes, unshowered, with my uncombed head stuck in one of the kitchen cupboards, reorganizing, when I heard dh talking to someone at the front door. Lo & behold, it was my 80-year-old FIL!! He hasn't dropped by like that in a long time.
He hugged me & then gave me a puzzled but concerned look & said, "Laura!! [He calls me Laura, Italian-style.] What happen to you??" I KNEW everyone would get their shorts in a knot when dh told stepMIL about my food reactions. I reassured him that I was OK, but I needed to be careful about what I eat, at least until I can see my dr again.
I was only half the reason he was there, of course. He produced a bag for dh & wished him a happy birthday. I know he was feeling guilty that we weren't going to be together for that, or for Easter. In it was a new golf shirt -- & a big package of sausages, lol. I could tell dh was totally tickled. I put down the dust rag & made them both espressos. I'm glad he came over.
*** *** ***
Many ideas for posts zoom through my head in a day. These last 2-3 weeks, however, I've been preoccupied with what the heck is happening to my body. Since Saturday, March 28, I have 9 (count 'em) reaction episodes (including three in a row, on dh's birthday Saturday, Easter and Easter Monday). Most of them, especially the last several, have thankfully been on the milder side.
Still, they take their toll. I've been going to bed early, & not sleeping too badly. But I've been having lots of weird dreams, & I still feel exhausted a great deal of the time. And HUNGRY. I've been trying to be very careful with what I eat, stick to the tried & true, eat very simply, not eat anything remotely questionable -- certainly not anything I've reacted to before -- at least until I can see Dr. Allergist again (this Friday). Which means my diet has been pretty narrow (not to mention monotonous). I've been taking leftovers for lunch to work most days the last two weeks. A lot of pasta with broccoli or peas or zucchini with garlic sautéed in olive oil, since I've been able to eat that without incident to date. I know I haven't been eating enough protein, or fruits & vegetables.
Yesterday (Tuesday), I went to see a counsellor from my company's employee assistance program to talk about the stress and anxiety I've been feeling related to my allergic reactions. I specifically asked to see a counsellor dh & I had seen about two years ago. She was really great in zooming in on the fact that both of us were basically dealing with midlife crisis issues (!) -- so I figured she would be sympathetic to this particular phase of mine (!), & she was. She is a social worker & not a psychologist, & so really can't "treat" anxiety -- but said she could provide me with a referral, if that's what I wanted. She said I'm doing all the right things to try to deal with this situation -- encouraged me to get more exercise & cut back on the caffeine, & told me about some mind-body meditation/relaxation programs I might investigate. I am going back to see her next week, after I get through this week's appointments.
Today (Wednesday) was my annual checkup with Dr. Ob-gyn. I hadn't given it much thought before I went… and his office is not in the same location it was during my pregnancy. Nevertheless, the entire floor he's on is devoted to reproductive biology, maternal-fetal medicine, etc. To get to his office, one must walk down a series of loooonnnnggggg, winding corridors -- all lined with pregnant women & babies, both in real life & in the posters on the wall. Eeeekkkk!!
In the waiting area, I deliberately sat in the first row of chairs, where I didn't have to look at any of the waiting patients & their pregnant bellies behind me, & buried my nose in the magazine I had brought with me… but I still saw them coming to the desk. I also found it hard to ignore a rambunctious toddler & his dad, who was carrying his newborn brother or sister around, waiting for mom.
Eventually I was called from the large waiting area to a row of chairs closer to the dr's office & the examination rooms. There was a pregnant woman in the room across the hall. The door remained open while the nurse took her blood pressure, & I could hear every word of the conversation. She was asking a great deal of questions, & then she said, "You see, I had a baby die inside of me before and…" and I froze. Another reminder that we never know what is going in the lives of people around us.
Even so, my bp was 120/80! I am glad the nurse took it when she did because, when she left me alone to get undressed, put on a gown & wait for the doctor, I could actually hear the unmistakable sound of the doppler in the examination room next door. I could hear every friggin' beat of that baby's heart, & while I am very glad that is what the mother got to hear, I thought it was going to drive me nuts. :(
Fortunately, I didn't have to wait too long for Dr. Ob-gyn to arrive. Internal was normal. I told him about my weird food reactions -- & the fact that so many of them seem to take place around my period or my PMS phase. He said they really know very little about the connections between allergies & hormones (& whether they in fact exist). And since my periods & cycles are still pretty much normal, he very much doubts there is anything hormonal going on. "You are NOT in menopause," he emphasized. He said he didn't think bloodwork would be worthwhile at this point, because hormonal levels fluctuate so much from day to day. He told me pretty much what I expected to hear, but I thought it was worthwhile tossing it out anyway.
Friday: Back to Dr. Allergist.
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