The pain of Never

From the Still Mothers Facebook page.

Trainwreck, indeed...

(POTENTIAL SPOILER ALERT!)

Dh & I went to see Amy Schumer in "Trainwreck" a while back. I've never really liked her stand-up comedy specials on TV -- too crude & cringe-inducing for my tastes -- but I think her sketch work is brilliant, and while "Trainwreck" may be a tad raunchy for some tastes, we both enjoyed it hugely. There's a subplot involving grief and loss that I found quite touching and realistic. 

Anyway, it's coming out on DVD this week -- and I ran across an item on Facebook this morning from Entertainment Weekly that had me fuming.

(I'm generally a huge fan of Entertainment Weekly -- it's probably my favourite magazine, the one I would buy if I could only pick one. I actually still have the very first issue from 1990, with k.d. lang on the cover.) 

"Amy Schumer gets maternal in deleted ending scene from Trainwreck," the headline read, under a photo that showed Amy cuddling a sleeping baby. The copy above the item read, "This would have been an adorable ending for Amy Schumer's Trainwreck!"

Ummm, no -- no, it wouldn't. :p  For one thing, if you've seen the movie, you know that it would have been totally out of character for Amy (the movie character, if not Amy Schumer herself personally). For another, the original ending was happy and funny and perfect in itself.

Director Judd Apatow is quoted in the article saying, "It's always wise to shoot something with a baby. Who hates a movie that ends with a baby? Just Darth Vader.”

Well, call me Darth, I guess. :p  (Although let me be perfectly clear -- just because I dislike the idea of ending a movie -- and this movie in particular -- with a baby does NOT mean that I (or anyone else who gagged over this story) hate babies themselves -- there's a difference. :p )   I just get a bit weary seeing so frickin' many romantic comedies these days ending with a baby or a pregnancy. I mean, why???

Because in our pronatalist culture, happy ending = baby, baby = happy ending. It may be "wise" from a box office perspective, giving the people what they want (or, perhaps more like, what they've been conditioned to want, or expect). But it's an easy out -- it's mindless and it's lazy. It's what you do when you can't think of a more original way to end the movie (which Apatow actually did, in the end).  I think it's much more memorable when a movie doesn't turn out exactly the way you expected it would.

I felt slightly better when I actually watched the clip (after sending it off, along with a rant, to several childless/free friends). (SPOILER ALERT!)  It's not, in fact, Amy's baby (it's her niece), and she retains her trademark snark. ;) She stays true to her character.

And having watched the scene, I can see why they decided to scrap it and go with the ending they did -- adorable baby aside, it seems extraneous (lame, even) & really doesn't add much to our knowledge of the plot or characters. (There's an adoption joke in there too, which is kind of a cheap shot and which some may have found offensive.) Amy's voice-over narration rambles and kind of trails off -- I'm thinking it was probably ad-libbed. She doesn't sound that "into" it, which makes me wonder whose idea the alternate ending was -- hers or the director's?

But still. The fact that this scene was even filmed or considered as an ending to an otherwise delightful movie that bucks so many other stereotypes and plot conventions makes me realize how far we still have to go as a culture towards accepting the idea that there can be more than kind of happy ending -- that not all women are mothers (or can be mothers, or even want to be mothers), and that they can still lead happy and full and fulfilling lives, regardless.

#MicroblogMondays: Curse you, Facebook... :p

Just what I needed... a paid ad in the sidebar of my Facebook newsfeed for GRANDMA BRACELETS. :p  Header reads: "Are you a Grandma?"

No, and I won't ever be -- and thank you (not) for the reminder (as if I needed one). :p

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.    

Odds & ends

• It's November. And so far, I haven't had the urge to write an "I hate November" post. ;) Of course, the month is young...! But so far, so good. ;)
• November got off to a good start, weatherwise (which helps, of course!). We had several days in a row with sunshine and temps in the 17-20C range. The windows were open (great when you're painting, as we were) and I was outside in my shirtsleeves. IT'S NOVEMBER, people!! In Canada!! I realize this does not bode well in terms of impending catastrophic climate change :p -- but it's still enough of a novelty that I can't help but enjoy it. (Especially knowing that it's bound to be short-lived...!)(Case in point: today is still mild, but rainy & windy.)  
• Our painting/reno project is DONE after 2.5 weeks of living in chaos.  We are now in the middle of a massive (much-needed) cleanup & reorganization, which may take a few days itself.  
• Although we are taking a well-deserved day off today! & heading out for awhile. I've barely been out of the house while this was going on, & have developed a bit of cabin fever... and it's not winter yet...! 
• To date: 53 boxes (and an uncounted number of bags) full of stuff donated to the thrift store, including 33 of books alone.
• Right now all my books are sitting on the basement floor :p -- I had to unshelve them all so that we could move the bookcases away from the wall so it could be painted. I'm going to try to pare them down further as I put everything back over the next several days. Sigh...
• I adore my kitchen. I always have (it's what sold me on the house in the first place), and I am just so happy with the way it turned out. Aside from the new tile backsplash (which IS a big change), nothing too dramatically different -- the walls were already a sort of pale sage green (Benjamin Moore Camouflage) -- I found myself wishing we'd used a darker shade, so that's what we did this time around (Benjamin Moore Herbes de Provence). Goes beautifully with all the dark wood cabinets, wainscoting & trim. We decided to restain the cabinets instead of painting them (or ripping them out altogether -- which was probably a wise decision -- a 2.5 week paint job was stressful enough;  I can't imagine how we would have coped with a full-scale, teardown renovation...!) and added new handles, as well as a new range hood (white, to match the other appliances -- the old one was early-1980s yellow-beige). The cupboards look great -- colour (Minwax Antique Walnut) is very similar to what we had, but richer and brighter, and the stain covers up most of the scuffs & scratches accumulated over 30+ years.    
• I began seeing Christmas ads the day after Halloween. :p  Seriously??!  Can't they wait until after Remembrance Day, or the Santa Claus Parade?  I know I am going to be thoroughly sick of them, well before the big day actually arrives. :p

"The Secret Adversary" by Agatha Christie

Like many of you, I'm sure, I gobbled up Agatha Christie mysteries, one after another, when I was a teenager.  The details of the plots faded as the years went by, but I remembered the books fondly. My favourites were not the adventures of Hercule Poirot or Miss Marple (although dh & I watched "Poirot" with David Suchet on PBS faithfully for years), but the lesser-known husband & wife team, Tommy & Tuppence Beresford -- aka "Partners in Crime."

Unlike some fictional characters, Tommy & Tuppence aged as the series progressed through four novels and one collection of short stories: the first Tommy & Tuppence book, "The Secret Adversary," was Christie's second novel -- published in 1922 and set in contemporary post-WWI Britain;  the final volume, "Postern of Fate" was Christie's final book, published in 1973 and set some 50 years after the events of the first book.

I was delighted to read, earlier this summer, that the BBC was bringing some of the Tommy & Tuppence mysteries to life in new adaptations. The new series recently started showing on Bravo here in Canada (and on Acorn in the U.S), and I thought it was timely to revisit these two old friends, some 40 years (eeekkk!!) after I first read about their adventures. The first three episodes of the BBC series are an adaptation of "The Secret Adversary," so I decided to start with that. (The second set of three episodes adapt "N or M?" and further episodes are in the works.)

"The Secret Adversary" (the book) begins with the 1915 sinking of the Lusitania. Women & children are being evacuated first, and a young woman accepts & agrees to deliver an important package from a desperate British agent.

Cut to post-World War One London, as Miss Prudence Cowley (aka "Tuppence") runs into a childhood friend she nursed during the war, Tommy Beresford. Both are at loose ends, looking for work and for excitement, and decide to go into business together, calling themselves "The Young Adventurers." They get a little more than they had bargained for, as they are drawn into the search for the missing woman from the Lusitania and her precious cargo. And, of course, there's romance.

The dialogue is horribly dated ("Tuppence, old thing!" "Tommy, old bean!"), and I found myself rolling my eyes over Christie's idea of how an American would talk. The plot is likewise dated and a tad melodramatic, involving a Bolshevik plot to overthrow of the British government -- and I had a pretty good idea fairly early on as to who the mysterious villain "Mr. Brown" might be. But there were still enough twists and turns to keep me interested. It's a fun, light read with an engaging hero & heroine and I finished it with a smile. 

The new three-part BBC adaptation of "The Secret Adversary" sets the story in 1950s Cold War Britain.  Tommy & Tuppence are already married and have a son (briefly seen before he heads to boarding school). The program LOOKS gorgeous, with keen attention to period detail. As Tuppence, Jessica Raine, with her pixie haircut and red lipstick, reminds me a little of a young Elizabeth Taylor, and her wardrobe is to die for.

While Tommy & Tuppence the book characters are certainly amateurs who stumble into a mystery, they tackle their task with gusto. The TV characters, however, are obviously in way over their heads, and the script plays up their ineptitude. It makes for some laughs, but ultimately feels unsatisfying. I read one review that wondered whether the writers had trouble making up their minds whether to play things for laughs or thrills, and so the story winds up being a bit of a mishmash. There are some slightly gruesome scenes with the bad guys that seem at odds with the lighter stuff. It also doesn't help that Tommy & Tuppence here are a long-married, somewhat sedate couple in their late 30s or early 40s, instead of the energetic Bright Young Things described in the book. Tommy in particular comes across as a slightly henpecked, bumbling husband.

It's entertaining in its own way (and I still haven't seen the third & final episode) -- but I felt like it could have been better, and I wish it had followed the book a little more closely. I'm willing to give "N or M?" a viewing, though (and hope to read that book before it starts!).

What's your favourite Agatha Christie book/character? Have you read or seen "The Secret Adversary" yet? Thoughts?

This was book #22 that I've read so far in 2015 to date. (I actually read one other book before this, but that review is still to come & will be counted then!)

#MicroblogMondays: There will be DUST :p

I used to think infertility & stillbirth were the toughest things my husband & I could go through -- that if we could survive THAT, we could survive anything.

And then -- we decided to paint the house.

Just kidding!! (Well, sort of...)  We're not even the ones doing the work. We attempted to paint the house (inside) ourselves 11 years ago this month, and let's just say we learned our lesson. We thought it would take us about a week (yeah, right), and took precious vacation time to do it. We managed to get the first floor done (including scraping multiple walls full of wallpaper left by the previous owners) before dragging our exhausted butts back to the office (vacation? what vacation??), and then spent the next 11 years cringing over our all-too-visible errors. (We completed the bedrooms over the next several weekends, and hired a pro to finish off the floor-to-ceiling stairwell. We DID get better as we went along.)

This time around, we hired stepBIL (a handyman who renovated our bathroom seven years ago) to paint inside and out, refinish our kitchen cupboard doors and put up a backsplash, along with a couple of other details. He estimated it would take him a week, maybe two. 

What was that about the best-laid plans, etc...?  We're now into week THREE, and there's still a couple of days' work left to do. Granted, we're getting there. Both the top and bottom floors have been painted, and the basement (which hasn't been touched since FIL finished it for us in 1999) is partly finished. (Finishing it is going to involve unshelving the contents of four IKEA bookcases into piles on the floor, and then reloading them after the paint is dry and the shelves put back into place.)  We have a spiffy new ceramic tile backsplash in the kitchen and the cupboard doors are in the midst of being sanded, restained and updated with new handles. The outside shutters, panel above the garage door have been painted, and the front door will be painted to match shortly. (Unfortunately, some of the shutters need to be redone, after they were hammered by the remnants of hurricane Patricia, which left the fresh paint job peeling & bubbling.) The outdoor lighting fixtures have been replaced, and new smoke detectors installed. 

While stepBIL has obviously been doing most of the work, dh and I have not been entirely idle (hence, my absence from the blogosphere the past two weeks).  We've made multiple trips to Home Depot, stripped the last of the wallpaper (a hangover from the previous owners, 25+ years ago), moved stuff from one room to another (and up & down stairs)(and will be unloading & reloading said bookshelves today or tomorrow), taken advantage of the opportunity to go through and set aside stuff to be donated, and wiped down dust-coated furniture and cupboards -- over & over & over again. (OMG, the DUST!!!)(And, most important, made daily afternoon coffee/tea runs to the nearest Tim Hortons, lol.)

We get along pretty well with stepBIL -- but let's face it, three adults tripping over each other in a smallish (1,400 square foot) house, with regular routines completely disrupted, stuff out of place and scattered all over the house (including two nights spent sleeping -- or TRYING to sleep...! -- on an uncomfortable 30-year-old sofa bed while the paint dried in our bedroom) -- 8 hours a day, six days a week for two weeks straight (and counting) -- can get to be just a LITTLE stressful.

Let's just say I'm glad we didn't decide to go for a full-scale renovation. Eeekkkk!!

(An earlier version of this post was prematurely published (& then reverted to draft mode) on Sunday... apologies for any inconvenience to anyone who saw it.)

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  

Crazy 8 :)

Eight years ago tonight, I sat down & pressed "publish" on my very first blog post.

EIGHT YEARS.

That's a long time. :) 

Unlike many other ALI bloggers, I started blogging nine years post-Katie (17 years now) and six years post-fertility treatments (14 years now).

And now 8 years has gone by.

I'm not always sure how I keep coming up with things to write about, but hey, I'm still here...!

Here are a few updated stats:  

Number of years blogging:  8
Published posts (including this one): 973 (and I'm hoping to crack 1,000 before 2015 is over :)  )
Average # of posts per year: 122
Average # of posts per month:  10
Published comments: more than 7,225
Page views (tracked since May 2008):  369,100+  
Followers:  151

One thing I know that's kept me writing is the growing number of other childless/free bloggers to "talk" to and share experiences with.  As I mentioned in my blogoversary post last year, when I first started writing here, there were just a handful of blogs dedicated to living without children after loss &/or infertility. (Most notably, Pamela Jeanne, who is still blogging at Silent Sorority, was already out there with her original blog, Coming2Terms.) 

Today, there are a lot more of us in this corner of the ALI community -- and the numbers are continuing to grow. There are some really excellent blogs out there (which you can find in the blogrolls on the right side of this page), and communities such as Life Without Baby, founded by Lisa Manterfield, and Gateway Women, the brainchild of Jody Day in the United Kingdom. And earlier this month, Karen Malone Wright of The NotMom organized the first-ever conference for women without children in Cleveland, which brought together more than 100 women from across the United States, as well as Canada, China, Hong Kong and Iceland! That's pretty amazing!

More than 1 in 5 women today do not and probably will never have children, by choice or for a variety of complex other reasons -- and there's a growing momentum within this community. More and more, we are writing and speaking up about our experiences -- the good and the bad -- and drawing some much-needed attention to our unique issues and needs. And the rest of the world is (finally!) starting to take notice. Slowly but surely, we're making progress.

As always -- thank you all for reading/listening, commenting and just being here.

Blogoversary #7 (2014)
Blogoversary #6 (2013)
Blogoversary #5 (2012)
Blogoversary #4 (2011)
Blogoversary #3 (2010)
Blogoversary #2 (2009)
Blogoversary #1 (2008)
First post