"Childless Mother"

I found this poem online, many years ago, when I was first coming to terms with a childless future, and shared it with the email list I posted about recently in 2001.  I found it again when I was going through some old posts to the list this week.  I am not sure whether I have the correct line breaks here, as the formatting has gotten a bit garbled in translation from one computer to another over the years...!

When I started my blog in October 2007, one of the blog names I strongly considered was "Childless Mother," because of this poem.

Childless Mother

I am a childless mother.
There is an empty hole in my heart
Where my child is supposed to be.
Where there should be squeals and laughter
There is nothing but mind-numbing silence.
And look, there, in the corner sitting idly,
Waiting, is a child's rocker, my rocker –
The rocker that I used to sit in and imagine
Rocking my baby instead of just a doll.
And I realize, that as empty as that rocker seems,
My arms feel even heavier with the emptiness.
How can emptiness feel so heavy?
That emptiness carries my broken dreams,
My disappointments, my resentment.
Flutterby kisses never shared,
Laughter never heard,
Tears never brushed away
All weigh more than a child ever will.
There is an empty hole in my heart
Where my child is supposed to be.
I am a childless mother.

Louise C. Taylor (1997)

End of an era

In those first few awful weeks after I lost Katie, and especially once my parents left and dh went back to work, I spent a lot of time on the computer, searching endlessly for answers -- why had this happened to me? -- and reassurance that I wasn't the only one out there to have experienced this tragedy.  I found some message boards, but being relatively new online, I was a little leery about putting myself out there in such a public way (even under a pseudonym). (Blogs had yet to be invented, or at least popularized, and Facebook was still 7 years away from being launched.)

And then I found a website connected to a private email list for women (& men, although the vast majority of members were women) who had lost babies and were either trying again, or experiencing a subsequent pregnancy. It was called Subsequent Pregnancy After a Loss Support, SPALS for short.  I was accepted as a member, opted to receive digests instead of individual emails, and wrote my first post, introducing myself and telling my story.

And then watched as my inbox filled up with messages of welcome and sympathy.

I had found my tribe.

We started attending an in-person support group, once or twice a month, around the same time -- but that was a LONG time between meetings for a newly bereaved mom. SPALS filled the gaping hole in between "real life" meetings, and became my daily lifeline, especially in those early weeks & months. When I went back to work in October, fellow SPALSers were there with advice & support. They were there when we started trying to conceive again, and when we sought help, first from Dr. Ob-gyn and then Dr. RE.

It was customary for members to include their TM (Trying Mom -- pregnant moms signed themselves as PM, or Pregnant Mom) status as part of their signature... mine looked something like this:

Lori
(email address)
Mom to Kathleen Maria (Katie), s/b @ 26 wks LMP, Aug. 7/98.
TM cycle #xx

Below my signature, I added:

"Life is what happens while you're making other plans." -- John Lennon

eventually joined by

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." -- Joseph Campbell

(Both quotes now appear in the sidebar of this blog.)

My final failed IUI (in June 2001, when I was 40) marked the end of cycle #27 since we started trying again after Katie's stillbirth. Skimming through my old emails to the list (I have saved almost every one of them! -- hundreds and hundreds of them, over the years), I found this one from September 8, 2001 (just a few days before the tragedies of September 11th):

Hi everyone, 

A SPALS friend recently commented to me that I'd been rather silent lately & asked whether I was still staying with the list, given that I've stopped infertility treatment.  So I thought it was time for a bit of an update on where my life is at. 

I guess one reason I've been quieter (though not completely silent -- I counted & I did post nine times in August!) is that I have not returned to the RE, so I don't have any day-by-day updates on treatment to report on anymore!  While I reserve the right to change my mind, I don't think I will be going back anytime soon, if ever. 

This doesn't mean we have given up ttc altogether -- but I know our chances are pretty slim.  I got one of the Clearplan Easy Fertility Monitors & started using it this cycle (now cycle #30!), but I have no great faith that it will work where 300 IUs (4 amps) nightly of GonalF & IUI didn't.  I'm just trying to looking at it as neat gadget I can have some fun with!  : ) & not obsess too much... 

While part of me feels guilty for "giving up" when I could have tried IVF, donor egg, a surrogate or what have you, I have reached the point where the physical, emotional & mental strain of treatment just got to be too much. I've come to realize that just because the option is there doesn't mean that you have to try it, or that it's personally right for you.  In a way, I think it was simpler 30 or 40 years ago, when you either had kids or you didn't, and didn't have all these choices to make  & dilemmas to weigh! 

Everyone has their own limit, & I think I reached mine, as evidenced by the anxiety attacks I had in June. I have not had any since then, thankfully, & while I sometimes get depressed knowing that, by giving up on treatment, we likely won't ever have a living child of our own, it feels good to be free of that particular source of stress in my life.  I have been hanging out on several "childfree living" forums on the Web & trying to focus on dh, projects around our home & the good things we have in our life together, instead of what I don't have & may never have. 

I still plan to stay with the group.  Regardless of whether I ever have a living child, I do have a daughter, even though she is not on this Earth, and this is one of the few places where I AM recognized as a mother.  What I have been through these past 3-4 years has shaped who I am today, & will always be a part of me.  SPALS has been a big part of my life.  Next week it will be three years since I joined, & I honestly don't know how I would have survived without all of you to lean on! 

So even though the "subsequent pregnancy" part of the equation has continued to elude me (& may never come to pass), I hope I can still be of some support to the rest of you. 

Besides, I can't leave now -- I still have to see all the oldtimers, like [names], through their SPALS pregnancies!  : )

Much love & hugs to all...

Despite what I wrote, I gradually (perhaps inevitably) drifted away from the list. I still kept updating the cycle number in my signature for another year or so, but once I hit cycle #40 (sometime in 2002), something in me broke, and I changed it to "too many cycles to count anymore!"  By mid-2004 (when I was 43), I stopped referring to my cycles completely.  

For a while, I continued to respond to posts when I thought I could offer my experience or advice. But my words felt less and less relevant as time went on, I got older, the newly arrived grieving members seemed to get younger, and the remaining oldtimers I knew delivered their subsequent "rainbow" baby... and then a second, and sometimes a third, or more.  

I only posted twice in 2005, once in 2006 (on Katie's birthday) & once in 2007.  I haven't posted there since then. And gradually, the digests landed in my inbox less and less frequently, until I was receiving just a few digests per year. Apparently most of the action eventually moved over to a Facebook group. I have remained in touch with a handful of former SPALSers over the years, mostly as Facebook friends. One of them (Julia, who lost a daughter the very same day as I lost mine) later became a blogger (although she's no longer active there).  

Still, I couldn't bring myself to unsubscribe. 

I got a new digest this morning, the first in several months, I think. As I scanned over its contents, I felt a pang of sadness -- and then a warm wave of nostalgia &  profound gratitude.

After 24 years, the longtime list administrator -- a bereaved dad who was one of the early members of the list himself -- is shutting the list down.  For many years, the listserv has been run from a private server donated by a(nother) bereaved dad who benefited from the list. He can no longer offer us the server, and while it would be theoretically possible to move the list elsewhere, it has been effectively dormant for several years now, and new members have not been admitted for some time.

And so the list where I first found solace online as a newly bereaved mom, 20+ years ago -- and where thousands of other bereaved parents from all over the world have found a safe haven over the years -- is ceasing operations. Several members have responded to the admin's post announcing the end of the list with final posts of thanks. I sent one of my own this afternoon. I also removed the site from my list of resources on this blog.

Thank you, SPALS. I will always treasure the years I was a member, and be grateful for the support I found there.

#MicroblogMondays: Post-Oscars edition :)

• The night before the Oscars, I dreamed I was AT the Oscars -- as a presenter, no less!  Hanging out with Queen & the guys from "Bohemian Rhapsody."  ;)  And it was five minutes to showtime, and I was struggling to put on my makeup.  :p I do remember I was wearing a kickass dress, though.  :)  Dark metallic grey-blue with sparkles. 
• Not having a host actually seemed to work out pretty well, I thought...! The pace of the show seemed much improved from recent years (under 3 hours & 20 minutes, not bad...), and they didn't seem to be quite as strict about cutting off people's speeches. 
• I do think they could have given a LITTLE more time to the honorary & science/tech award winners, though...! (presented at separate banquets)
• I am glad they did not move some of the awards to the commercial breaks, as previously announced.  They deserve their moment in the spotlight too.  And often some of the best speeches & most memorable moments come from these "minor" award winners. 
• I will admit, I didn't think "Bohemian Rhapsody" was best picture material... but it was one of my favourite movies from last year. A whole lot of fun, and I do think it deserved all the awards it got. (And it actually wound up winning more awards -- four -- than any other movie this year!)  
• LOVED having Queen and Adam Lambert open the show. Just perfect and set an energetic tone for the show. Loved seeing Brian May & Roger Taylor in the audience later too. :) 
• Also perfect having Mike Myers & Dana Carvey (aka Wayne & Garth :)  ) introduce the movie as a Best Picture nominee. :) 
• Loved Rami Malek's acceptance speech too.  
• Loved Bradley Cooper & Lady Gaga's duet, and how they just walked up to the stage from the audience & started singing. They need to put a picture of these two under the dictionary definition of "chemistry."  ;)  
• I did not see "Mary Poppins Returns," but hearing Bette Midler sing "Where the Lost Things Go" brought me to tears. It's a song about loss & grief & comfort. (My understanding of the movie is Mary Poppins returns after Michael Banks -- now the grown-up father of three children -- loses his wife.)  
• Great Poppins-esque entrance from Keegan-Michael Key to introduce the song (being lowered from the ceiling with an umbrella in hand!).  I would have been terrified!! (I am sure that was WELL rehearsed!)
• I have not seen "The Favourite" either, but I loved Olivia Colman's surprise win & speech.  
• Was there anything funnier than Melissa McCarthy and her rabbit-festooned dress -- a send-up of the queen Colman played in "The Favourite"?  
• A friend (also living without children after loss) pointed out to me on Facebook "While Queen Anne didn't really have a rabbit for every child she lost [17] it was kind of cool that The Favourite addressed her losses with them." (17!!)  I did not know this! 
• Favourite dresses:  Tina Fey, Regina King, Amy Adams, Glenn Close (obviously designed with a win in mind...!), Emma Stone, Gemma Chan (a bit frou-frou with all those ruffles, but she pulled it off), Constance Wu, Michelle Yeoh, Brie Larson, Julia Roberts. 
• Just... no (re: dresses):  Maya Rudolph, Kacey Musgraves, Linda Cardellini, Rachel Weisz. And Charlize Theron. Normally she looks stunning, but IMHO, her dress was drab and way too severe looking.  

Previous Oscar-related posts here. :)

Did you watch? Thoughts? Favourite dress(es)?  Dress(es) that made you wince? Favourite speech? Moment(s) that made you cheer? Cringe?

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

"Parkland" by Dave Cullen

Ten years ago (!) this summer, I read "Columbine" by Dave Cullen, the definitive account of the school shooting at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado (which happened 10 years before that, in April 1999).  Whether or not true crime stories are your kind of reading, it's an amazing book (with some perceptive insights on grief, loss & the long-lasting effects of trauma), and I have recommended it highly to many people in the years since then.

(Sadly, I have a cousin who still can't bring herself to read it -- she was an elementary school teacher in a small town in the U.S. that was affected by a shooting at the local high school in 2005. It wasn't her school, but nevertheless she & her students were on lockdown, and she knew everyone involved.  The subject matter is still way too close to home for her.)

After reading "Columbine," I reviewed it on my blog, here -- and was floored when Dave Cullen himself popped by to comment (and then commented again on a follow-up post I wrote). (As I noted at the time, stuff like this never or rarely happened, pre-Internet...!)

I've been following Dave on social media ever since then. Unfortunately, his accumulated subject matter expertise has made him the media's go-to guy whenever there's a major mass shooting event in the States (which, sadly, is far, FAR too often). He developed post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) himself, post-Columbine, and as he found himself commenting on mass shooting after mass shooting in Columbine's wake, he despaired that nothing was ever going to change.

And then came Parkland.

Dave immediately noticed something different in the aftermath of the shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas high school in Parkland, Florida, on Valentine's Day 2018.  The day after Columbine, the survivors were like zombies, shellshocked. These kids in Florida were MAD.  And they were demanding action.

Before long, they were taking action themselves: within days, they were (successfully) lobbying the Florida state legislature to demand changes to gun control laws;  within weeks, they had organized a march on Washington (the March for Our Lives) that attracted 470,000 people, and up to 2.1 million in almost 800 "sibling" marches on all 7 continents.  Meanwhile, they also began networking with other kids from across the country, and spent the summer on a cross-country bus tour, building a movement. Their efforts to register young voters and elect candidates who share their quest for sensible gun control laws had a tangible impact on the 2018 mid-term elections.

While both "Columbine" and "Parkland" are about school shootings and what happened afterwards, and both books have a similar cover design, there are some important differences. "Columbine" was 10 years in the making, and delves heavily into the story of the two killers, what motivated them, how they planned and carried out the shooting, and how investigators gradually unravelled what really happened (versus the myths that sprang up almost immediately), as well as the stories of the victims and the survivors.

"Parkland" arrived in bookstores almost one year to the day after the MSD shootings. The events of February 14, 2018, are dispensed with in just a few pages;  the killer is not named and is barely mentioned.  The focus of the story is on what happened next:  a fly-on-the-wall view of a year in the life of a group of motivated, media-savvy teenaged survivors, and how they came together to build a movement for change.

It's a story of hope.

I really enjoyed "Parkland" and found it hard to put down (and I can say & mean "enjoyed" in a way that I couldn't about "Columbine," if you know what I mean... although there are some parts where you may want to have some kleenex handy...!). The "Notes on Sources" at the end are among the most readable I've ever seen, and add further insight and information.

I gave this book four stars on Goodreads.

The story of the Parkland kids and the March for Our Lives continues. I would love to get Dave's perspective on them (and the further great things I am sure they will accomplish) in another 10 years... but I don't think anyone would blame the guy if he wanted to move on to other subjects. ;)  He's been following the story of two gay soldiers for the past 20 years, and interrupted his work on a book about them to follow the Parkland story. He's hoping to finally complete that other book later this year.  I am looking forward to reading it, too!

This was book #6 that I have read in 2019 to date, bringing me to 25% of my 2019 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 24 books.  I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 3 books ahead of schedule to meet my goal. :)

Odds & ends: Recent childless/free reading & listening

• This past weekend was a long weekend -- Family Day -- here in Ontario. You can read my past whines/rants about Family Day and its wince-inducing name here.  ;)  Thankfully, media coverage was mostly limited to lists of what's open and what's closed and suggestions for fun family activities (which can be difficult enough to read about -- but at least there were no (or few) rhapsodic meditations on the importance of family, etc.).  Dh & I mostly stayed at home to avoid the crowds of parents & kids that we knew would be everywhere. 
• Between avoiding the mobs of happy families ;) and all the bad weather we've been having lately, I've had the chance to get caught up on some great reading & listening. ;)  A few things I've found:  
• Sarah Lawrence from After the Storm recently guest blogged at Gateway Women about childlessness and menopause after a hysterectomy. 
• The always articulate & thoughtful Pamela (Silent Sorority) was the a recent guest on Civilla Morgan's Childless Not By Choice podcast recently. Listen to Pamela & Civilla here and then check out some of the other great guests and topics that Civilla has featured on her podcast, as well as the other resources available through her CNBC site. 
• Kathleen Guthrie Woods, who writes at Life Without Baby and 52 Nudges, talks about living and thriving as a childless woman on Episode 50 of the Women Gone Vibrant podcast with Alexandra Epple. 
• Berenice Smith of Walk in Our Shoes  recently hosted a webinar for More To Life, a UK-based group providing support for the involuntarily childless. She talked about how she uses creativity to help her work through her grief about childlessness -- in particular, her Walk in Our Shoes website.  She's aiming to feature 100 shoe/feet photos & stories on her blog by 2020! 
• Today is sunny (but with a cold wind)... but the forecasters are calling for freezing rain (AGAIN) tomorrow night!!  :p   

#MicroblogMondays: "Probably Mom"???

This image above popped up in my Facebook feed this weekend. I shared it with some of my childless/free friends to see if they had the same reaction I did. Which was:  "Umm... my name (and yours) might not be Mom -- but do any of you feel like YOU'RE being listened to??"

Because this is the unspoken flipside of the coin here, isn't it?  -- i.e., if you're a woman, and someone IS listening to you, your name probably ISN'T Mom.

To be clear, I don't believe whoever wrote that memo was thinking in terms of moms vs non-mothers. It was just one of those jokey things that parents say to each other, especially when they're having a rough day, right?

But (from my perspective as a childless woman) that's the point, isn't it??  Nobody tends to consider the childless/free, in a world where parents are in the majority.  It's not just that nobody's listening to us (and if you think your voice isn't being heard or doesn't count, try walking in our shoes as childless women...!);  nobody realizes that our experience might be different. It's generally just not on anybody's radar.

I'm sure it's true that a lot of (most?) moms don't feel listened to sometimes (especially by their kids!).  One wise childless friend noted that kids tend not to listen to their moms OR dads -- but "not being heard or listened to is a woman thing, for sure." 

Another noted this meme might be true in the context of parents speaking & children listening (or not!) -- she thought her goddaughters were (sometimes) more likely to listen to her than their own uncool parents ;)  -- but not so much in terms of women speaking & being listened to in society at large.

A few commenters on the original post noted this could also apply to a teacher.  (True.) A couple added, "Or wife!"  But nobody seemed to question the inherent pronatalism in the meme.

Realistically, I don't think motherhood (or non-motherhood) has much to do with it. If you're a woman and you don't feel like people are listening to you, it's likely because you're a woman, and women generally aren't listened to or taken seriously as much as men are.

What do you think?

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  

"The Golden Tresses of the Dead" by Alan Bradley

Like clockwork over most of the past several years, a new Flavia de Luce mystery by Alan Bradley has arrived in January or February to brighten up the dreariness of a cold, grey southern Ontario winter. :)

"The Golden Tresses of the Dead" is the 10th Flavia novel. Twelve-year-old Flavia is a precocious young chemist/detective in early 1950s Britain. The story opens with the long-awaited wedding of Flavia's beautiful oldest sister, Ophelia/Feely... but the festivities are marred when the happy couple slice into their wedding cake, only to discover a severed human finger inside (!).  Whose finger is it, and how did it get there? Flavia is on the case!

I rated this 5 stars on Goodreads.

There have been hints/speculation that this would be the final Flavia book (sob!!). (And, if it is, the wonderful closing paragraphs would be a fitting epitaph.)  Thankfully, though, Bradley hinted in a recent interview with the Toronto Star that, while this IS the final book he was contracted to do, there may be more to come. Good news for all of us who love Flavia! :)  

*** *** *** 

If you haven't read any of the previous Flavia novels, I recommend you start with the first book in the series, "The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie," and continue from there in order. The mystery in each novel is self-contained -- but the plot itself always plays a distant second fiddle to the characters & the wonderful writing.  You will learn more about Flavia, her family and friends, and appreciate them and the stories more, if you start at the beginning and follow her adventures in order. 

I don't seem to have reviewed "The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie" on my blog, but here's where I've written about the others:

The Weed That Strings the Hangman's Bag (#2)
A Red Herring Without Mustard (#3)
I Am Half-Sick of Shadows (#4)
Speaking From Among the Bones (#5) 
The Dead in Their Vaulted Arches (#6)
As Chimney Sweepers Come to Dust (#7)
Thrice the Brinded Cat Hath Mew'd  (#8)
The Grave's a Fine and Private Place (#9) 

This was book #5 that I have read in 2019 to date, bringing me to 21% of my 2019 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 24 books.  I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 3 books ahead of schedule to meet my goal. :)