"The Christmas Orphans Club" by Becca Freeman (re-read)

It's always kind of fun to read at least one Christmas-y book at Christmastime, isn't it?  When I first read "The Christmas Orphans Club" by Becca Freeman last year (I think I started it on the plane ride back to Toronto, after spending last Christmas with my family in Manitoba), I remember thinking it would make a good holiday-themed pick for the book club I co-host in the Childless Collective community. I recommended it to my co-host, who read it herself and agreed! and we added it to our schedule for this December. 

(This book first landed on my radar at the recommendation of Nora McInerny of "Terrible, Thanks for Asking," whose chose it for her December 2023 "Terrible Reading Club" podcast/Substack.) 

"The Christmas Orphans Club" is a lighthearted rom-com with distinct "Friends"/Hallmark Christmas movie vibes (especially at the end) -- but also some serious underlying themes/messages/life lessons that have relevance for those of us living without children. 

The book has two narrators:  best friends Hannah, whose parents both died when she was a teenager, and Finn, whose family cut him off when he came out to them as gay. They've spent every Christmas together since they met in college. It's now 10 years later, they're both living and working in New York City, and they've been joined for subsequent Christmas celebrations by Hannah's now-former roommate Priya, and the rich, handsome, charming, bisexual Theo, the secret object of Finn's desire. (Theo is the neglected son of a Richard Branson-like British airline billionaire, who -- fortunately for his friends -- can produce limos, famous Taylor Swift/Britney Spears-style pop stars and luxury vacations in Mexico like a magician pulls rabbits out of a hat.  In this respect, the book is not very realistic, albeit it's great fantasy/wish fulfillment...! -- like I said, Hallmark movie, lol.) 

But then Finn announces he's moving across the country to start a new job in L.A. This coming Christmas will be the last one they all spend together -- and Hannah is determined that it will be the best one ever. But Hannah's boyfriend David expects her to spend it with him and his family -- and he's planning to give her a special present. The pressure is on...!  

This book will resonate with childless people -- well, anyone, really -- who feel at loose ends during the holiday season, as friends and relatives occupy themselves with their children and grandchildren. It's about "chosen family" and the importance it assumes in our lives when our traditional family structures and relationships are lacking, and holidays make us feel like we're on the outside looking in. And it's also about what happens when we age out of young adulthood, situations change and our friends' life paths start diverging from ours. 

My original review of this book -- the first book I finished in 2024 -- rated it 3.5 stars on StoryGraph, rounded up to 4 stars on Goodreads (after some internal debate!). (It was Christmastime, and I was feeling generous, lol.)  I had a similar debate this time around, and wound up leaving my rating the same.  

3.5 stars on StoryGraph, rounded up to 4 stars on Goodreads. (Ho ho ho!)   

This was Book #32 read to date in 2024 (and Book #1 finished in November), bringing me to 71%  of my 2024 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 8 (!) books behind schedule to meet my goal. :(  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2024 tagged as "2024 books."    

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Postscript: The first time I reviewed this book, I observed that "Hannah can be somewhat clueless/annoying at times."  I thought the same thing this time around too -- but with a shock of recognition. I realized that I saw a LOT of myself in Hannah -- in the way that she hates change and clings to tradition -- even when it's obvious that some of those traditions no longer serve her and the changes might eventually turn out to be okay, or maybe even for the better.  (Oops.)  I like to think I've improved somewhat over the years, though...??    

Do our stories matter?

Lyz Lenz asked today, in her "Men Yell At Me" Substack, "Do our stories matter?"  

If you read and/or write blogs, I think you already believe the answer is an emphatic "YES!" 

But seriously, go read her post. It's a validation of why we write, why our voices and stories matter. 

Key sentence:  "No word is wasted. No story is told in vain." 

I think about the letters that my great-great grandmother and her daughters wrote to her parents & sister in Ontario when the family came west (a story I know I've told here before).  The sister saved those letters, a cousin of my grandfather's found and saved them after her death in 1949, and we still have them today (the originals are now in a museum, and copies have circulated in our family for years now). They are absolute treasures, and we know so much more about our family because they exist, because someone took time to write them and someone else took the time and care to save them.

I don't have any children, and I know it's quite that after I'm gone, the things I've written -- my journals and emails, copies I saved of letters I wrote and sent to other people, this blog, the clippings from the publications I worked on in my professional career -- will all be pitched without anyone ever even looking at them. They could be destroyed in a fire or flood.  The things I write online -- in this blog, in online communities, etc. -- could disappear with a keystroke decreed by some tech overlord. (Some of the online spaces I used to frequent have have already disappeared into the ether and, sadly, all the words I posted there along with them.) 

But I still fantasize that our nephews, or someone, will find these things (or some of them), take the time read them, and understand a little more about who I was -- how I thought, what I felt, why I did the things I did.

And those of you who have read my words here these past 17 (!) years will have absorbed a little piece of me and my story too.  Thank you. ❤ 

Odds & ends

• I've been following (on social media) the progress of a friend (a fellow loss mom whom we met through our pregnancy loss support group, 25-ish years ago), who has experienced some big health issues in recent years, and recently had a major medical procedure. Her story is not really mine to tell, but suffice to say this family has had a ton of crap to deal with in the years since we met them, and sadly, her prognosis is not looking good at the moment. Please keep her and her family in your thoughts & prayers. 
• A couple of interesting new blogs/Substacks of note: 
• I never heard of Cyndie Spiegel before, but a friend flagged one of the blog posts she'd highlighted on Instagram:  "Not Exactly ‘Emily in Paris’: Child-Free and the Awkwardness of Belonging in the ‘Burbs." I consider myself childless, not childfree, but otherwise, I can definitely relate...! 
• Sample passage:  "As a social child-free couple, it feels like trying to find a way in through closed doors, each interaction a reminder that where we live is designed with a different life in mind. And not ours, one where we chose not to have kids but still want to socialize, travel, host movie nights and enjoy culture with friends and strangers alike." 
• Other posts to date are also worth reading! 
• Katie Dunn walked away from fertility treatments earlier this year. Now she's living in what she calls the Afterglow:  "...the glow, the satisfaction, the happiness and the delight that can come after. After not getting what you thought you wanted. After learning that your life path will involve ‘otherhood’, and not motherhood. After finding yourself on a path you are not really sure about. After experiencing something that turned your life upside down. I write about the success story that is IVF not working out. Because that is also a success story." 
• The above passage is from the "About" page of her Substack. There are already several essays posted, all of them worth a read. Check them out! 
• At the Life Without Children Substack, Nadia Huq pays tribute to the childless people who have had an impact on her life. A beautiful post! 
• Jody Day calls it "the friendship apocalypse:"  what happens when your friends start having babies, while you remain childless.  From The Guardian: "They were best mates. Then one had a baby, while the other struggled. Two brutally honest takes on what happens when motherhood affects friendship."  
• In her weekly Sunday roundup of links for paid subscribers, Anne Helen Petersen described this article -- "Embryos Out of Reach" in The Cut -- as a "harrowing piece by Culture Study reader Rae Hudson on what happens when your IVF clinic effectively ghosts you." (I would add "infuriating." Also, beware the ubiquitous traditional happy ending.) 
• A paywall popped up when I tried to read this, but I was able to read it when I opened the link in Pocket. 
• Also clinic-related, from the New York Times Magazine (gift link):  "An I.V.F. Mix-Up, a Shocking Discovery and an Unbearable Choice." 
• Also in the New York Times (also gift linked):  Sarah Wildman asks the uncomfortable question:  "If My Dying Daughter Could Face Her Mortality, Why Couldn’t the Rest of Us?"  
• There's a lot of interest in communal living arrangements, in the various childless communities I frequent. Anne Helen Petersen's links this week also included this story from Bon Appetit, about several such arrangements. (Note:  one of the groups featured includes an 8-month-old baby. There are photos.)  
• Also paywalled but accessible (only in part, it seems?) via Pocket:  "The crushing truth about being childless at 64," featuring Robin Hadley, providing "the elusive male perspective."  (Subhead: "As someone who had always dreamed of being a dad, there’s a unique grief that comes with unintentional childlessness.") 

#MicroblogMondays: "Does motherhood have a PR crisis?" (Seriously??)

Sara Petersen at In Pursuit of Clean Countertops and Amanda Montei at Mad Woman shared an interesting conversation recently (pre-U.S. election) about pronatalism, choosing whether or not to pursue parenthood, and whether the joys of parenthood are being lost in the movement, in recent years, toward sharing the frustrations and "mom rage" more honestly and openly.  

The entire conversation is cross-posted in both of their Substacks, but with different introductions -- Sara's titled "Does Motherhood Have A PR Crisis?" and Amanda's "What is motherhood writing for?"  (Both intros are worth reading -- and I don't think either post is paywalled, at least not right now?).  Both cite and link to other great pieces of writing that informed their own thoughts. 

(One piece not mentioned in the discussion:  the always-great Moira Donegan -- who is referenced, and is childfree by choice -- recently reviewed the book "What Are Children For?:  On Ambivalence and Choice" by Anastasia Berg and Rachel Wiseman, for Book Forum:  "Baby Talk: On pro-natalism and motherhood after Dobbs.") (I guess I can scratch THAT one off my to-read list...! -- unless to read with a critical eye, as Donegan does here...?) 

The conversation is, as you can imagine, very motherhood-focused (both Amanda & Sara are mothers)  -- but it's an intelligent one, and I found it fascinating. Depending on where you are in your journey, you might find it interesting too. The childfree choice gets some space, but (sadly) nowhere is it mentioned that not all of us choose to be childless, or that we might have a slightly different perspective to offer. 

I appreciated comments like this one, from Sara: 

...from my perspective, the idea that motherhood can be a noble, fulfilling endeavor is the DOMINANT narrative, and has been . . . pretty much forever? I find myself wondering who/what we’re concerned about in this question of good/bad maternal PR.

Amanda agrees: 

Right, exactly. There are plenty of depictions of motherhood as rich and fulfilling—as you have written about at length! We have plenty of “online discourse” that covers that area. Not to mention all of history, in which the sentimentalization of motherhood has been the dominant story we’ve told about women and their presumed biological destiny. 

From MY perspective, as a childless-not-by-choice woman, I agree.  The message that motherhood is "the best thing that ever happened to me" still seems pretty relentless to me, and often only serves to rub salt in our wounds. On the other hand, the acknowledgement that motherhood is damned hard work, and it's not all sunshine and roses, sometimes comes as a bit of a relief to those of us who get to experience neither. 

Sara & Amanda also identify -- correctly, I think -- that the handwringing about motherhood's supposed "PR crisis" and falling birthrates, etc., is part of the concerted push in certain quarters to get women married, pregnant, out of the workforce and subservient to/dependent on men again.  And it's likely this pushback will be amplified, now that pronatalist forces are back in power in Washington (and elsewhere in the U.S. and around the world).

Both women use the term "backlash" several times throughout their conversation (at one point, Amanda speaks of "the backlash to more nuanced— and yes, critical— depictions of motherhood") -- which of course made me think of Susan Faludi and her book "Backlash" (which I read when it first came out in 1991, and would really like to re-read again soon!), about the backlash at the time against the feminist movement and gains of the 1970s and early 80s. 

It's a really rich discussion with lots to chew on! If you read it, I'd love to know what you think. :) 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  

Mid-month odds & ends

• I'll admit that -- as a former journalist & communicator -- I'm biased, but I wanted to cheer, reading Catherine Rampell's post-U.S. election tribute to the "mainstream media" (on an otherwise dismal day): "This election year, legacy media consumers came out on top."  (Subhead: "We’ve made our share of mistakes, but readers of traditional media understand the stakes of this election.")  
• I know I'm a dinosaur,  but every time I hear people saying they get their news from Facebook or Twitter/X or (God forbid) TikTok (!!), I want to scream. SOCIAL MEDIA IS NOT JOURNALISM/THE NEWS!!! 
• (It would have meant even more if the owner of Rampell's paper, the Washington Post, hadn't put the kibbosh on the editorial board's planned endorsement of Kamala Harris at the 11th hour -- and Rampell does allude to this in her article -- but, I digress...).  
• BBC News featured "The real reason for the rise in male childlessness" prominently on its home page recently.  The article quotes Robin Hadley, who is well known in CNBC circles as one of the few men speaking out about involuntary childlessness. 
• "I'm the Witch:" Colleen Addison on Substack and Medium, about how life and fairy tales converge. Absolutely gorgeous writing.  
• The New York Times had an article (on the front page, apparently!), about "The Unspoken Grief of Never Becoming a Grandparent," about dismayed Boomers (always the Boomers, of course...!) whose children are opting not to have children themselves. (Gift link.)  As usual, no acknowledgement of the fact that not all these children may not be CHOOSING not to have children (and that they might be feeling some grief over that themselves...!).  
• My comment here (I've spotted a few from other CNBCers -- there are more than 3500 right now!).  
• Earlier this year, there was a similar article (also on the front page!) in the Globe & Mail, which I wrote about here (includes gift links to the articles mentioned). 
• Also from the New York Times:  "Its Birthrate Falling, Russia Targets Child-Free Lifestyles." Subhead: "The country’s lower house of Parliament passed a law that would ban what it calls “propaganda” discouraging Russians from having children."  This so-called "propaganda" would include "material on the internet, in media outlets, in movies and in advertising that portrays child-free lifestyles as attractive." 
• Clearly (even though many of us did not choose this life), those of us without children must all be portrayed as forever wallowing in our misery, right?  :p   

#MicroblogMondays: Books, bargains and bots

This story began when I got my weekly Sunday email of ebook deals from my ereader/ebooks provider (which I'm not going to name here, this time around -- but I have named it often in the past. Hint:  it's NOT Amazon Kindle!).  

When I clicked over to look at the deals, I was hugely annoyed to see that many of the books listed were not, in fact, on sale. They were listed at full price. 

(Which is often ridiculous -- $15, $20 (Canadian) or more -- for an e-book??! I mean, I realize, writers don't get paid a lot of money, and there are editors and designers, etc., who also need to be paid -- but you're not paying for paper or printing costs -- and I'm sure the publisher is taking a nice chunk of profit for themselves too..!)  

Dh & I have both noticed this happening a couple of times lately.  We've also been annoyed that the deals being offered lately -- both weekly and daily (under $5) -- haven't been that plentiful (e.g., usually well over 100 or 200 books offered in all categories;  recently just 30 or 40 in bargain fiction!) -- or all that enticing/interesting to us. AND, all this past week, a good chunk of the books listed under daily deals in the non-fiction category were actually fiction books! WTF?  

I was annoyed enough on Sunday morning to start hunting for a way to voice my displeasure to the company. Of course, there was no email address. Just a chat box on the website, and accounts on all the usual social media channels. I decided to leave a comment on the most recent post on Facebook.  Here's what I said:  

Is there a reason why so many of the books in your "today only deals" email are listed at full price?? And why a whole lot of books in the "nonfiction books on sale "section are actually fiction books? 

Not too long afterward, I got a response:  

Hi! We are truly sorry that you are experiencing issue, please send us a direct message and we would be more than happy to try and troubleshoot any problems you may be having. Thanks!

Obviously a bot. But a response. 

Okay. I decided to bite. I sent them a DM (via Facebook Messenger) at around 3:10 PM, repeating my original comment and adding:  

This has happened more than once lately (re: the "today only deals"), and the fiction books have been in the nonfiction sale books all week.  Very annoying! 

Then I added links to the pages to show them what I was seeing, and mentioned that I was in Canada.   

Around 3:50 PM, this response:  

Hi! Thanks so much for getting in touch with us. If it’s not too much trouble, could you share the email address linked to your Kobo account and the last awesome book you purchased? We’re excited to help and will get back to you very soon!

(Well, the bot has certainly been trained to be polite & enthusiastic, at least??) 

I was busy and left it for the time being, intending to get back to them the next day. When I woke up this morning, I had this message, sent just before midnight the night before:  

Hi there!

Thank you for reaching out to...

We're delighted to hear from you. We wanted to check in and see if you require any additional assistance. If you do, please don't hesitate to reply to this message. We're always eager to lend a helping hand.

​For any inquiries, big or small, please feel free to visit us at... [help desk link -- another bot, I assume...!] We're here for you!

​Best regards...

I hesitated, but decided to respond, at around 10:15 AM. I gave them my email address and name of the last book I'd purchased, and added: 

My husband is also a Kobo customer and has noticed the same things.  Yesterday's so-called bargains are now expired, but this wasn't the first time we've noticed this, and I'm sure others have also seen the same things.  It's just irritating to open an email, expecting to see bargains and so many of the books are still full priced (and the non-fiction under $5 section is full of fiction!).  We just wanted to make our feelings known, in the hope this can be fixed going forward.  Thank you. 

Responded the bot: 

I'm sorry if you are experiencing this. I understand your frustration regarding this issue. Rest assured that I will help you with your concern. Please send us screenshot of the offers that you want to purchase so that we can review it in our end. We appreciate your cooperation and patience during this process.

Me (getting annoyed now...):  

The offers have now expired. And I wasn't interested in many of them anyway -- it's the principle of the thing. Thanks anyway. I just hope that in the future, an email listing "deals" really does contain all deals. 

Bot: 

I apologize for any inconvenience and frustration this may have caused you. In the future, please feel free to reach out to us immediately so we can make any necessary adjustments for you.

Below that was this message:  

Your exclusive one-time use promo code is: 75% off  (Promo code xxxx reserved for user)

​Promo codes are discounts that can be applied to specific books in the xxxx Store. Due to publisher restrictions and territorial limitations, promo codes cannot be applied to all books.

​To apply your promo code... [list of detailed instructions] 

Well, okay. It's nice to get offered some sort of compensation for my time and irritation, and 75% is nothing to sniff at. I spent some time this afternoon going through my wish list, selecting a few of the most expensive books on it and filtering to check whether they were eligible for the promo code. (Happily, most of them were.)  I narrowed down my choices, finally made my selection, went through the steps to purchase and apply the promo code... and this message popped up on the screen:  

This promo code has already been used the maximum number of times.

(Seriously?)  

The kicker:  while I was scrolling through my wish list to pick out which books might be candidates for my 75% discount, I noticed that one of the books listed as a "deal" yesterday -- at full price--  was now listed for $1.99!! (Yes, I bought it.)  

I suppose I could have gone back to chat/argue with the bot some more, but I feel like I've spent enough time on it. This is when you really wish for a human on the other end of the chat/email. I feel like it would have been a much faster and more satisfying process -- certainly for me. And I wonder if a human will ever see and consider what I had to say? 

(I'm hoping for better things from the Black Friday sales...!) 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.  

A howl in the darkness

We went to bed around 12:30 AM last night, after spending the evening hopping back & forth from one TV channel and one online news site and chat to another, feeling bone-weary and depressed about the dark state of the world right now. 

I woke up around 4:30 AM, and went to the bathroom. Through the duct for the ventilating fan (which leads outside), I could hear the ominous and unnerving sounds of what I first wondered were human screams or sobs. 

I went back to bed, but couldn't go back to sleep. I finally got up again sometime after 5 -- just in time to turn on the TV and hear CNN project Donald Trump as the winner of last night's U.S. election. 

Dh got up at that point too -- and it wasn't too long after that we both heard the same weird howling/yelping noise, coming from outside. Dh opened the balcony door a crack. It was LOUD. Obviously nearby. "Sounds like dogs," he remarked. 

Then it clicked. Coyotes. There are plenty of them in the Toronto area, and there's a bit of a wooded ravine and a creek that borders one side of our property and some of the townhouses behind us -- an obvious place for them for be lurking.  It's been a while, but we've heard them out there howling in the past, and even spotted a few trotting through the construction site, back when the townhouses were being built. 

I'm glad it wasn't a human in distress.   

But it was still unnerving to hear. Especially on this particular morning.