#MicroblogMondays: "This timeline is the only one we've got"

I've been thinking some more about the New York Times article I cited in a recent odds & ends post:  "I Fantasized About Multiple Timelines, and It Nearly Ruined My Life,"  which muses on the Oscar-winning movie "Everything Everywhere All at Once" (which I have not yet seen), and the idea of the multiverse, of multiple possible lives and alternate universes. (I was also reminded of "The Midnight Library" by Matt Haig, reviewed here.)

Next month, it will be 10 (!) years since dh lost his job and subsequently retired;  it will be 9 years for me in July.  It will also be 7 years next month since we sold our house and moved into our condo here. One of the main reasons we did this was to be closer to dh's brother, his wife and the nephews as we aged, thinking that, as we have no children, they would form an important part of our support network  -- and it would be easier for them to help us out now & and then if we were 10 minutes away versus the previous 45+. 

As it turns out, while they've certainly been there for us (especially when we first moved and were setting up our condo and finding our way around here), more and more frequently these days, it's been the other way around:  we've been the ones providing support to them.  We've been there to help out with the nephews' weddings & new babies (hunting out formula and children's Tylenol, for example). We've dropped by at least once a week to play with Little Great-Nephew (and give SIL, his primary daycare provider, a bit of a break), and stayed with him ourselves whenever needed.  (We even dog-sat when Little Great-Nephew was born and both his parents and grandparents were at the hospital, so that the dog wouldn't be left alone for too long.)  We've taken both BIL & SIL to various medical appointments, and dh has helped BIL & the nephews move furniture, etc.  

This isn't going to change anytime soon -- and in fact, we may be called upon for help even more often in the days, weeks and months to come. As I've alluded in other posts, BIL has developed a serious health condition over the past year-plus. :(  Dh has been taking BIL to some of his appointments (or we've been staying with LGN so SIL can accompany him to others).  We've been taking them to family gatherings, so that BIL doesn't have to drive. 

I wish BIL's health was better. I wish things were different... but they're not. And that's life. We can't control these things, and we can't predict the future. If my pregnancy with Katie taught me anything, it was that we are NOT in control of the universe... and that we make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. 

I will admit, I'm (still) not wild about the community where we now live -- but being closer to family these past 7 years, being able to help the nephews launch families of their own, spending so much time with Little Great-Nephew these past few years, and now being able to support BIL & the rest of the family through this challenging time -- I wouldn't have it any other way. We don't know what will happen tomorrow or a week or month or year or 7 years from now.  All we can do is make the most of what we have right now. And help each other out along the way, while we're at it.  

As the NYT article concluded, we can mourn the sad things that have happened, and wish that they hadn't happened, that things had worked out differently. "We can joke or wonder whether we’re in the wrong timeline. But we can’t lose sight of the fact that this timeline is the only one we’ve got."  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

Odds & ends & updates

• Hey, it wasn't just my imagination!!  Ontario (and the Toronto area, where I live) experienced its darkest winter in more than 80 years.  :p  
• Bloglovin' update: More of the same crap, as described in previous posts (with a few more posts showing up in Chinese, Arabic and Cyrillic characters -- when they showed up at all...!). It's been more than a year since I started having regular issues with the site, and it's been more or less defunct since last fall. Incredibly frustrating.
• As a result -- I finally got fed up enough to pay for an upgraded account on Feedly (paid annually), which gives me access to up to 1,000 feeds (vs 100 for free). (I followed almost 600 blogs on Bloglovin -- gulp!  Not all of them active, mind you, but...!)  
• Thankfully, I had backed up my Bloglovin feed about a year ago (and haven't added too many blogs since then), and I still had the file saved -- I just uploaded it to Feedly and voila!  It even imported the categories I had created on Bloglovin, so I don't have too much (re)organizing to do. There were a couple of blogs that "failed to add" (mostly older ones that haven't posted anything in years) but that's OK.  
• The Feedly setup will take a little getting used to -- but I'm hoping for more reliable service than I've been getting from Bloglovin for the past year or so...! and I'm looking forward to staying better updated from now on...! 
• I've kept my Bloglovin' bookmark for now, but deleted it from my startup tabs on my laptop (and added Feedly instead). On my cellphone, I deleted the app entirely. 
• A couple of Little Great-Nephew stories I want to remember, from a visit to BIL & SIL's house on Monday (before we spent the day with him on Wednesday):  
• SIL: "[LGN], if you use the potty, I'll get you some ice cream."  LGN (after thinking for a moment): "What KIND of ice cream?" 🤣
• Dh, as we were leaving: "Now [LGN], you're going to be good for Daddy when he comes to get you tonight, aren't you?  You're not going to cry or kick..."  LGN, nodding:  "Or hide under the table..."  🤣
• After spending the day with LGN on Wednesday (see post link above), this article (via The NotMom on social media) was very timely and struck a chord:  "I Will Never Be a Grandparent."  
• Three cheers for Carolyn Hax of the Washington Post, whose advice is generally pretty sound and sympathetic towards the childless/free, infertile and grieving, and whose answer to a recent impatient would-be grandfather (essentially:  MYOB)  warmed my heart.  :)  Here's a gift link: "Would-be grandpa scoffs at couple’s reason not to have kids." 
• Also for Yael Wolfe on Medium: "Stop Giving Unsolicited Reproductive Advice to Childless Women." Just read it;  it's fabulous.  :)  
• In an "odds & ends" post last weekend, I mentioned a Times of London article/book excerpt by Elizabeth Day, "My fertility sadness — and what not to say to a childless woman." 
• Blogger Jennie Agg from The Uterus Monologues, who now writes a Substack at "Life, Almost" (and has a new book by the same name) has referenced it in a thoughtful post about "fertility privilege" -- "A child is not a kitchen extension." Sample passage (but please, go read the whole thing!):  

It’s a brilliant coinage, I think. Those of us who have walked a similar path to Day, whether through loss, infertility - or both - know instantly what she means here. Most people are wildly unaware of their own fertility privilege.

It’s there in Mother’s Day cards that say things like: ‘Well done mum for keeping me alive!’. Or first birthday posts on social media that are captioned to the effect: ‘Kept them alive for a whole year!’

It’s there in the way people will casually say: ‘We’re going to keep going until we get a girl/boy’. Or: ‘We want one of each’. (In a chapter of Life, Almost I write about the way we’ve normalised discussions about family size ‘as though it were always a straightforward choice – like ordering from a menu: two girls and a boy, with a side of twins, please’.)

When I asked on social media for other examples, the response was overwhelming, from ‘being able to joke about a partner needing a vasectomy’ to ‘taking family members along to scans for fun’. Other commonly given examples were conversations about ‘ideal’ age gaps or timing pregnancies around seasons, the start of the school year, or work contracts. (Or worse, joking to someone who is pregnant and due over a holiday or other significant date: ‘Well that wasn’t very well-timed, was it?’ or ‘I wouldn’t want a Christmas baby, personally’.)  

It’s not that saying these things makes you a bad person. Or that you’re not allowed to think or feel them (or even say them, if you’re confident you’ve got the right audience). It’s simply that they’re brimming with unacknowledged privilege.

• From The Globe & Mail:  "My struggle with infertility is teaching me to move through life with intention." Sample passage: 

I want to have hope that I will be able to grow a child. But I also want to be prepared for a life that may mean I am unable to. I actually don’t want to only be prepared, I want to imagine myself able to find joy on many life paths.

One path leads to the experience of growing someone inside me, birthing them, guiding them through park music classes, temper tantrums, scuffed walls, stained carpets, graduations, rowdy teenage years with clinking bottles in knapsacks rushing out of the house thinking I’m oblivious to the mischief – all of that.

Then there are the infinite other paths – including alternate ways of becoming a parent – available to me in this life. All unique and all equally fulfilling and deserving of celebration of a life well lived.

• On a somewhat related note:  this New York Times opinion piece (gift-linked) muses on the Oscar-winning "Everything Everywhere All at Once" (which I have not yet seen) and the idea of multiple possible lives and alternate universes:  "I Fantasized About Multiple Timelines, and It Nearly Ruined My Life." It wasn't hard for me to think about how it related to grief, loss and infertility -- particularly this passage:  

For years, I couldn’t stop thinking about other, better timelines where it didn’t happen, where my stepfather was still alive and my family intact. It helped me understand what was missing, but it did not allow me to mourn what I’d lost.

And that’s the peril of the multiverse; I was becoming unreal to myself, nostalgic not for a time before the death happened but for a timeline in which it never happened at all. 

...We can joke or wonder whether we’re in the wrong timeline. But we can’t lose sight of the fact that this timeline is the only one we’ve got.

A moment with LGN

Dh & I are both beat tonight.  We stayed with LGN at his grandparents' house for most of the day, while SIL accompanied BIL to a lengthy medical appointment that took up most of the day.  We've stayed with him plenty of times before, but never for that long.  

He was good as gold (as always!). He is currently trying to master the potty ;)  and he did have one "accident," but also used the potty successfully another time too. He was somewhat distressed by the accident (poor little guy...), but we gave him hugs & kisses and told him it was okay, just try to get to the potty in time the next time. And lavished him with praise when he did.  

He survived -- and so did we!  (lol)  His dad (Older Nephew) called dh later to thank us for staying with him today. Dh assured him that LGN is SO EASY to be with. (As I've often said -- where was this kid when I was a 15-year-old babysitter, trying to wrangle hellions??  lol)    

We'll be doing it all over again two weeks from now, when BIL has another lengthy appointment. And probably every two weeks or so for the foreseeable future, at least until LGN heads off to school (junior kindergarten/nursery school/pre-school) this fall. (Eeeek.) 

I know not every childless person who would like to be more involved in the lives of their niblings & great-niblings gets to do this. We are SO lucky.  

Today also just happened to be 25 years (I repeat: TWENTY. FIVE. YEARS) since the fateful day in March 1998 when I peed on a stick and watched, slack-jawed, as two bright blue lines immediately sprang into view.  I was too busy today to dwell on the significance of the date too much -- which is probably just as well... 

But for a few minutes late this morning, when dh had gone to McDonalds to pick up some lunch for all of us (including a Happy Meal for LGN), LGN snuggled up with me on the loveseat, watching TV. He normally gravitates more to dh than to me -- but for a few sweet minutes, it was just him and me. "What if?" I thought -- and just for a brief, fleeting moment, I allowed myself to pretend that the past 25 years were entirely different, and that this sweet, beautiful little boy was the grandson I know I will never have.  

It was lovely. 

It broke my heart.  

#MicroblogMondays: Spring forward?

It's the first day of spring!  :)  

And last week's time change ( = "spring forward" an hour) has been kicking my butt. :p  I've been sleeping in late(r) almost every morning -- and still feeling groggy when I do get up. (Thankfully, I can sleep in late, because, retirement!  ;)  ) 

I know there are arguments about which time system is better -- standard or daylight savings time? I lean slightly towards preferring standard time -- but I wholeheartedly support making one or the other permanent.  Just pick one and stick with it, year round -- no more back & forthing! 

What do you think? Does the time change bother you?  Would you like to see permanent daylight savings time? Permanent standard time? 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

This week's odds & ends

• I had a dream recently that I was babysitting Little Great-Nephew... he had one of those little motorized cars that you sometimes see kids in, driving down the sidewalk -- and he gleefully zoomed off into the distance. I was running way behind him, calling his name, calling him to STOP!  Someone stopped me, wanting to chat, and I said, "I can't talk, I have to get my son!"  I don't know why I called him my son?? (I did eventually find him, and all was well!)  
• (The funny/ironic thing is, he HAS one of those little motorized cars -- a miniature Jeep, that BIL got for him -- and he REFUSES to have anything to do with it!!  lol  He won't even sit in it!)  
• We are going to be babysitting him for a good chunk of the day, one day next week, when his grandparents (BIL & SIL) are out for a medical appointment/procedure -- and I was thinking my dream probably reflected my anxiety about that. He really is easy to stay with, generally no trouble at all -- he adores dh, who generally winds up doing most of the running around with him (lol) -- but it IS a responsibility! -- AND his parents are toilet training him right now  (lol) and I've been wondering how THAT's going to work??! 
• But it also occurred to me, as I thought about it later, that it was also kind of symbolic, wasn't it? Chasing after "my child,"  watching him (her) disappear into the distance... 
• The Dyson saga:  You'll remember that, back in mid-January, our new, very expensive Dyson humidifier/purifier conked out on us when I tried to carry out a deep clean cycle for the first time. Thankfully, it's under warranty for a year (until October), and -- after going in circles with Dyson customer service for a few frustrating days -- we were able to take it to a local warehouse for repair. (The story is recounted here, here and here.)  
• It's worked fine since then -- but last weekend, I got a warning alert on my Dyson app that a(nother) deep clean cycle would be required soon.  (You generally need to do one about once a month, but we don't run the humidifier 24 hours a day -- plus I use filtered water versus straight from the tap = less limescale building up -- so it's been almost exactly two months since that last disastrous one.)  There's a setting on the app where you can check to see how many hours remain before the next deep clean cycle is needed (also when the air filters need replacing) -- and I watched the hours counting down over the next few days with a feeling of impending doom (lol). 
• I estimated we'd reach zero (0) hours on Tuesday afternoon -- and we did -- but nothing happened. No alert to carry out the cycle (and believe me, I didn't want to try to do one, unprompted!).  
• The machine continued to merrily humidify away -- and to be honest, I'd kind of forgotten about it -- until I got the "deep clean cycle required" alert message at 3:45 on Thursday afternoon. I followed the instructions in the manual (I was also able to call them up from the app on my cellphone) and held my breath as I pushed the "start" button and the timer started counting down from the 60 minute mark. In January, it stalled out at 59:50 and would NOT advance further, no matter what I did!  This time, it kept going! and finished the cycle an hour later, as it should!  Whew!!  
• It's "Mothering Sunday" today in the UK (i.e., Mother's Day -- albeit it started out as something quite different and has evolved to become more like our North American celebration in May). Spare a thought for our sisters across the ocean who -- thanks to social media & the pervasiveness of (North) American culture -- will get barraged with Mother's Day hoopla all over again in May, along with the rest of us!  
• Elizabeth Day (whose book "How to Fail" has long languished in my to-read pile) has an amazingly frank and articulate article in the Times of London this weekend:  "My fertility sadness — and what not to say to a childless woman." (This is actually an excerpt from her forthcoming book, "Friendaholic: Confessions of a Friendship Addict.") 
• A lot of the Times's content is behind a paywall, but I think you get a certain number of articles for free. You may possibly have to register to read it.
• Sample passage: 

We rightly talk about privilege in this era of social change — an era marked by Black Lives Matter and #MeToo — but hardly anyone acknowledges fertility privilege. Those of us who have had complicated journeys to parenthood are only too aware of its existence. I know how it feels to be the infertile one in a world of apparent abundance. I wouldn’t post about my glorious babies on social media in much the same way as I wouldn’t post about my expansive mansion or my fleet of Bentleys (not that I have any of those), because it’s thoughtless to those who don’t have these things. Forget the language of privilege for a second: isn’t it just lacking in basic empathy? Isn’t it just being a good human?

"A Fatal Grace" by Louise Penny

"A Fatal Grace" (which also goes by the title "Dead Cold") is the second volume in the Inspector Gamache/Three Pines mystery series by Louise Penny.  It's been a little over a year since the events of the first novel in the series, "Still Life" (which I read and reviewed here). It's Christmastime, and Gamache is back in a very cold and snowy Three Pines to investigate yet another murder. The victim, C.C. de Poitiers, is a recent arrival in town and a thoroughly dislikeable character -- so there is no shortage of suspects! 

Back in Montreal, there's a second murder that Gamache gets involved in investigating -- of a homeless woman, outside of Ogilvy's department store (a real-life Montreal institution). And lurking in the background, "the Arnot affair," a perpetual cloud which hangs over Gamache and his future with the Surete du Quebec police force. 

As with the first book, things dragged a bit until the actual murder took place -- and Inspector Gamache appeared on the scene -- and then gained momentum as the book went on (leading to a couple of late nights when I found it hard to put the book down...!).  It was fun to revisit Three Pines, and many of the same characters and places we got to know in "Still Life." Once again, I revelled in the unabashed Canadian-ness of it all -- Tim Hortons, blizzards, toques (I prefer the spelling "tuque"), remote car starters and ice scrapers, snowmobiles, Hockey Night in Canada -- and curling! (which plays a key role in the plot).  (Warning: don't pick up this book when you're hungry. The food descriptions had my mouth watering, lol.)  

What I didn't like quite so much: the murder victim really is a despicable excuse for a human being, which makes it hard to feel too much sympathy for her, or feel as invested in finding out whodunnit as I might have felt for a different character. Also, prior to reading the book, I'd looked at a few reviews, and also seen a couple of discussions of Penny's books online which mentioned fat-shaming and fat-phobia, in this book in particular.  It IS noticeable, particularly in the first few chapters -- albeit some of it comes through the thoughts & words of the very disagreeable C.C.  It wasn't enough to put me off the book or the series, and I enjoyed the book overall, but I couldn't give it a an unequivocal 4 stars for those two reasons.     

3.5 stars, rounded up to 4 on Goodreads.  

Penny/Gamache fans who follow the Notes from Three Pines Substack will be discussing this book on March 22nd -- and I'm assuming the third book ("The Cruellest Month") will follow in mid-April. I already have my copy...!  :)  

This was Book #13 read to date in 2023 (and Book #3 finished in March), bringing me to 29% of my 2023 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 4 books ahead of schedule. :)  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2023 tagged as "2023 books."  

Odds & ends & Oscars

• Sunday was jam-packed: 
• First, the time changed, which threw everything off a bit. 
• We had lunch at BIL & SIL's along with Older Nephew, his wife & Little Great-Nephew.
• Younger Nephew, his wife and our new Little Great-Niece arrived after lunch for a visit. All of us wore masks (except Little Great-Nephew).  We got home in the late afternoon. 
• Made my usual Sunday afternoon phone call to my parents. 
• Texted some photos from the afternoon to the rest of the family. 
• Gobbled down a bite to eat (we'd had a big lunch, so neither of us was very hungry for supper). 
• Then settled in with some junk food to watch the Oscars (while monitoring the conversation on an Oscars pool Facebook group I'm in, as well as the New York Times live commentary feed).  Didn't get to bed until after midnight (the broadcast ended after 11:30 p.m.). 
• Needless to say, I was exhausted Monday morning...!  I was pretty groggy this morning too.  
• Little Great-Niece was, of course, the centre of attention at our family gathering on Sunday -- which (as I had anticipated) did not sit entirely well with Little Great-Nephew...!  He seemed a little fascinated by this new cousin he'd heard so much about, but didn't seem to quite know what to make of her... especially when she started crying.  Little Great-Nephew does not like loud noises, and put his hands over his ears when she did. "That baby is LOUD," he flatly observed to dh (lol).  
• At one point, he said in a small voice, "Aunt Loribeth, Uncle Dh, will you come downstairs to play with me?"  Of course we did.  (How could we not?) We missed out on some Little Great-Niece time, but I'm glad we were able to give him some of the attention he clearly needed just then. 
• As the unofficial family photographer, I stayed busy taking photos of everyone. ("Hi sweetie, I'm your personal paparazzi! -- you'll thank me someday," I joked to Little Great-Niece as I snapped away. Both the nephews -- who grew up with my camera constantly in their faces -- chuckled at that one, lol.) 
• I will admit that I had to swallow hard, seeing BIL & SIL proudly posing for photos with both their beautiful grandchildren. But thankfully, the feeling didn't last too long.  
• Little Great-Niece was wearing one of the little sleepers we had bought for her and brought over when we visited her for the first time, earlier in the week -- white, with little pink and brown elephants on it.  :)     
• Older Nephew's Wife is going back to her old job, starting next week -- the same one she had at this time last year. And so Little Great-Nephew will be back at his Nonna (Grandma)'s house again during the day on a regular basis, until he starts (gulp) school in the fall (junior kindergarten). :)   This time around, newly retired Nonno/Grandpa will be around (and maybe his new little cousin once in a while, too!).  Looking forward to spending more time with him again, while we still can!  
• I enjoyed this year's Oscars. I thought it was pretty good as Oscars telecasts go, with some really heartwarming speeches and moments from the winners. 
• Favourite moments:  seeing not just one but TWO kick-ass women in their 60s -- Michelle Yeoh & Jamie Lee Curtis -- win statues.  Bonus points to Michelle Yeoh, who is childless not by choice and has spoken about it in interviews, and mentioned her godchildren in her acceptance speech. I loved her comment: "Ladies, never let anyone tell you that you are past your prime."  Amen!  
• Ke Huy Quan had me tearing up -- watching his hugely emotional acceptance speech, and then seeing him hugging Harrison Ford onstage after "Everything Everywhere All at Once" won Best Picture (as announced by Ford). "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" is my least-favourite movie of the series, but I loved seeing Short Round and Indy together again!  :)  
• Canadians did very well at this year's Oscars. I was especially thrilled that Sarah Polley won for her adapted script for "Women Talking"! I grew up around Mennonites & Mennonite communities (and Hutterites and Hutterite colonies) -- some more old-fashioned/traditional and some more modern than others. My parents live near one large, predominantly Mennonite community, and you can still hear Low German dialect and see women in long skirts and head coverings in the supermarket there, usually with several small children in tow.
• I may lose my Canadian/Manitoban citizenship for admitting this, but I have not read any of Miriam Toews's novels yet, although I have several of them in my to-read pile. The Globe & Mail ran a thoughtful story this past weekend about the complicated relationship she has with her hometown of Steinbach. Can I admit it made me a little homesick? -- not for Steinbach in particular (I've only been there a few times), but for my home province. Especially this part, near the beginning: 

It was a toe-curling minus 25 on arrival, late last month. Fields of snow created a world so hushed and horizontal and desolate that a ruby-red billboard welcoming drivers to Steinbach rose from the snow as jarringly as an exclamation point.

“Every single day I miss the skies – those blue, blue, blue skies,” said Ms. Toews. “I miss crunching along on the snow. I miss the quiet, and the bite of the cold – like needles in your face.”

(Okay, I don't miss the needles-in-the-face cold, lol. But the SKIES.  And the crunch of the snow underfoot -- snow in southern Ontario seldom crunches. Yes...)

• Speaking of "home," dh has been glued to the TV set these past few weeks, watching... curling (!).  (I've watched a bit too,  but he's become a real fan!)  First the women's championship and then the men's (the Briar) -- and the world championships are coming up shortly The sports networks here carry wall-to-wall coverage. 
• Both of my parents (and many relatives, on both sides of my family) curled when I was growing up (and my dad continued to curl into his 60s, before his knees started bothering him too much), but somehow my sister & I never learned. (I was never athletic, but I think I could have given curling a fair shot!)  In one small town where we lived, the skating and curling rinks were across the street from each other, just down the back alley from where we lived, and we spent a good chunk of our winters going back & forth between the two, for figure skating lessons and public skating sessions, to watch hockey games, and to watch our parents curl. 
• Dh got interested in the game when it became an Olympic sport, some years back now (1998?). I've never really been a student of the game, but I was amazed at how much I had absorbed over the years and was able to pull out of my memory to explain to him! It's something he & my dad can talk about too.  :)  
• I just started reading the second Louise Penny/Inspector Gamache/Three Pines novel, "A Fatal Grace" -- and what do you know?  There's a curling game that figures prominently in the plot!  ;)  
• I'm not exactly sure who Nikki Glaser is?  (I gather she's a comedian?)  But the headline on a Salon interview with her caught my eye -- " "I'm actually not freezing my eggs": Nikki Glaser opens up about comedy, fertility and oversharing" -- and I wound up reading most of it (and skimming through the parts that didn't interest me so much).  I don't agree with everything she says (she envisions picking out an egg donor with a future husband as something "fun" they can do together??! hmm...), but it's still worth a read (that part of the interview, at least).  Here's a sample:  

I'm different than most women. I think most women do have a desire to have a baby and be a mother. There's a part of me that feels like there are a lot of people like me that don't. But the majority I would say, and a lot of my friends, do want it, so I just feel like I should too. I think I'm just embracing that part of myself that might actually know what I want, which I'm always questioning.

...It was just buying insurance, and that's what everyone said it's like. "It'll give you peace of mind." All I can say is it was not giving me peace of mind. There was no part of me that was like, "I'm in control of my body and getting ready to stab myself every day." It felt like I'm just doing this for a future man that I'm going to resent because he won't adopt with me.