#MicroblogMondays: Odds & ends

(I don't particularly like combining an "odds & ends" post with #MicroblogMondays, but it's what I have today so... here it is!)  

• I don't remember exactly where I found Ryan Rose Weaver on Substack, but I think it was in a response to another Substacker's post where she mentioned her pregnancy loss.  This interview she did with Jess Van Wyen, who has chosen to remain childless/free after loss -- not a miscarriage or stillbirth but a termination for medical reasons (TFMR -- in plain language, an abortion) -- and has since become an advocate for reproductive rights -- is truly inspiring and says so many of the things many of us as childless women are thinking, feeling and wishing we could tell other people about our lives.  **Content warning: Given the sensitive topic, this may or may not be a good fit for you as a reader. Also, pregnancy & baby loss photos are included.** 
• Lyz Lenz at "Men Yell at Me" has a new book coming out soon about divorce, "This American Ex-Wife." (She also has a new podcast by the same name.) In a recent discussion thread,  she asked her subscribers (which includes me) to weigh in on "the moment when you knew it was time to quit."  
• Said Lyz:  "I want to expand this beyond marriages. I want to know the moment when you knew it was time to quit — your job, your relationship, your friendships. Let’s talk about our moments of breaking." 
• I posted about the moment when I knew it was time to quit infertility treatments and accept a permanently childless life (which I've written about on this blog). Another woman posted something similar not long after I did, too.  :)  
• So far, my comment has received 37 (!) "likes" as well as a couple of replies.   
• I'm a big fan of my fellow Manitoban Dr. Jen Gunter :)  and I am looking forward to picking up a copy of her latest book, "Blood" (about menstruation), which was released this past week. Here's a great review from The Guardian. 
• Totally non-ALI-related, but I thought it was worthwhile passing along:  I'm a (non-paid) subscriber to Chris Cilizza's Substack, "So What?"  Chris writes primarily about U.S. politics, which is what he did when he was at CNN and (before that) the Washington Post. But he's also written a lot about the experience of losing his job at CNN -- including this piece here.  
• Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.  I can relate, and I know I would have appreciated his words back then. 
• (In July, it will be TEN YEARS since I got my own marching papers!! Can you believe it?? Yikes!!)  
• All of my job loss-related posts are tagged "job loss,"  here. 

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

No grandkids? (Welcome to my world...)

Last weekend's Globe & Mail had a really interesting -- and intelligent -- article ("Baby boomers are adjusting to a new retirement normal: No grandchildren") and accompanying 21-minute podcast about the growing numbers of would-be grandparents and their childless/free adult children, and the grief some of them are feeling about their lack of grandchildren. (You can find the podcast at the link above, or on any of the major podcast platforms -- it's called The Decibel, Jan. 19th episode.)  The reporter, Zosia Bielski, describes herself as childfree by choice, and has written other interesting articles about population and generational issues. 

I didn't realize it at the time, because I'm a digital-only subscriber, but the article was featured prominently, with the feature photo taking up most of the front page of the Saturday/weekend edition. It's generated a huge amount of reader comments (now closed to further responses).  (As usual, BEWARE THE COMMENTS!) 

The focus is on adult children choosing to be childfree, and their (Boomer) parents' reactions to that choice. There's no mention of the fact that not all boomers are parents to begin with (and thus will never be grandparents either). (Ahem!)(Late-stage Boomer/early GenXer here...!)  

But (surprisingly! and happily) our "not by choice" segment does get mentioned in both the article and the podcast. Laura Carroll, who literally wrote the book on pronatalism ("The Baby Matrix" -- which I read & reviewed here) and Therese Schecter, who filmed the wonderful documentary "My So-Called Selfish Life" (both childfree by choice), are among those interviewed. 

Part of me was rolling my eyes as I read, thinking, "Oh, boo-frickin'-hoo -- welcome to our world! -- At least you got to be a parent!" -- right? 

But there's a LOT here that will) sound familiar! 

*** *** *** 

There was also a live Q&A with the reporter earlier today (Jan. 23rd). (Beware some of the comments there too...!) 

One reader asked "How are baby boomers who were expecting to fill their time being a grandparent figuring out what to do in their senior years instead?"  I thought Bielski's response was really interesting (particularly the part that I've highlighted in boldface): 

I think baby boomers, as boomers, are primed to change the script and chart their own course. This is an active cohort, a fit cohort, with disposable income and ample opportunities to fill their retired time. It's an adjustment, to be sure, but a necessary one if caregiving for g-kids is no longer in the mix.  

I think it's a uniquely North American question: how do we fill retirement time? Can we imagine Italians grappling with that question? (by the way, Italy registered its fewest babies since 1861 in 2022). 

We have to question why we invest so little in our off time, in the years post-career. Why does retirement terrify so many North Americans -- the "filling of time"? And why is it even more terrifying without grandkids to fill the void? 

These questions are even more relevant as birth rates decline and grandkids aren't a guarantee.

(Dh & I often get asked, "What do you DO all day??"  Dh came up with what I think is the perfect response:  "Whatever we want!"  lol)   

Bielski was also asked (in part)(and I'm itching to correct the spelling errors in the original...! lol):  

I think we have to accept that a new normal has evolved - get married later- decide on the question of children , while consciously deciding if that is the right individual/ couple choice. Looking at other's in our social group, those with adult children who have chosen not to parent are bothered - inflicting their values on their kid's. There are lots of opportunities to use one's grandparenting energy on other youths , why not direct oneself there?

Bielski's response (in part -- boldfaced emphasis mine):  

You're pointing to other opportunities to nurture -- other people, other children. And I think that is gradually coming to pass, in some families. The question is whether the rest of us can expand our thinking, our notions of family and fulfillment, and allow these people their ways of adapting to "new normals."

Yes!   

#MicroblogMondays: Busted?

Yesterday, I finished a year-long group read & discussion of Jody Day's classic book for the childless-not-by-choice community, "Living the Life Unexpected" (reviewed slightly more fully on this blog in my most recent post, here).  After I wrote the review here, I posted abbreviated versions on both Goodreads & StoryGraph, as I do with all the books I read. 

I was, by turns, taken aback, somewhat amused -- and then touched -- to see that a family member -- not a close one, but a relative by marriage -- someone I've known since they were a baby, from the younger generation (who does not have children themselves -- at least, not yet) -- had left a comment -- and so had obviously seen & read -- my Goodreads review. 

I had to dig around to find the comment. It was simply a heart icon. :)  Awwww.  

Knowing that someone I knew "in real life" had seen something as personal as this would have sent me panicking 10 or 15 years ago (as it did here) -- but I do have a couple of family members among my followers on Goodreads. I know it's possible they'll see when I post reviews of books that are obviously about childlessness (in which I sometimes mention my own experiences, albeit not in quite as much detail as I do when I review the same books here on my blog). 

I know it's also possible this person might tell other family members what they saw.

I'm (still) not sure I'd be quite so blase if I knew this person (or another family member) was reading my blog...! But I've decided I'm okay with a Goodreads review. ;)  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here. 

"Living the Life Unexpected" by Jody Day (re-read)

"Living the Life Unexpected" by Jody Day, founder of Gateway Women, is essential reading for women like me who are learning to live without the children we always thought we would have someday.  I own and have read both paper and e-book copies of all three editions of the book (including the original "Rocking the Life Unexpected," crowdfunded by childless women from around the world and self-published by Jody in 2013).  

Over the past year, I've been re-reading the book (again!), chapter by chapter, working through (many of) the exercises (something I hadn't really done on earlier readings) and discussing them at monthly Zoom calls in the company of a small group of other childless women from around the world. All of us are members of the private online support community that Jody founded more than a decade ago, now hosted by Katy Seppi under the name Childless Collective. 

This is the second year in a row that I've participated in the "LTLU" book discussion group there, working through the book at the pace of one chapter per month.  And each time I've read the book, I've noticed things I hadn't before and gained new insights about myself, my childless life and the world around me.  

There are many more books out there now about life without children than there were a decade ago -- but this one continues to be an invaluable resource for involuntarily childless women (and men), worthy of multiple re-reads.  It contains a mixture of personal stories, history, statistics and guidance, as well as questions and exercises designed to get you thinking in new ways about childlessness and what your life might look like, going forward. You don't HAVE to do the exercises, of course -- there is still plenty of benefit to be gained from reading the book without doing them -- but they're a great way to explore your thoughts and gain new insights -- and working through the book with other childless women, as I've been doing over the past year (the past two years, actually!), is a fabulous way to gain new perspectives (and get to know some wonderful other childless women better, too!). 

We recently completed all 12 chapters in a year-long exploration of the book, so I am counting this as a(nother) re-read. My original rating of 5 stars on Goodreads still stands.  :)  

You can find my previous reviews of this book here (2023) and here (2020), and my 2014 review of the original "Rocking the Life Unexpected" here. 

For more information on Jody Day, Gateway Women and "Living the Life Unexpected," check out the Gateway Women website, which includes a link to the introduction and the first chapter of this book. There's also a link there to the private Childless Collective online community. A new round of LTLU member discussions is expected to start there shortly! 

This was Book #4 read to date in 2024 (and Book #4 finished in January), bringing me to 9% (!) of my 2024 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 2 books ahead of schedule. :)  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2024 tagged as "2024 books." 

"Bel Lamington" by D.E. Stevenson

If you've read any/many of  D.E. Stevenson's other books, the plot of "Bel Lamington" (published in 1961) will sound familiar. Orphaned at age 3, Bel (Beatrice Elizabeth Lamington = BEL) was raised by a kind aunt who died two years ago and left Bel penniless, just as she was entering young womanhood. Now working hard as a secretary in a London shipping firm, Bel impresses her immediate boss (one of three partners), but is less popular among the other secretaries and typists.  She knows nobody in London and has no social life. Her only outlet is the rooftop garden she creates and tends, outside the window of her flat. 

Then one day, she comes home to find a strange young man sitting in her garden -- and that encounter becomes the catalyst that changes everything for Bel, as her life begins to take some unexpected twists and turns (ending up in Scotland!). 

This book is a favourite among the "DESsies" in my Stevenson group, where we will begin reading and discussing it, chapter by chapter, on Jan. 18th. (I'll count this as a re-read when we're done, later this spring.)  It contains the usual DES elements of well-drawn, kind and thoughtful characters (with a dash of selfish & nasty supporting players for contrast and dramatic tension!) and lovely descriptions, particularly of landscapes. (Reading Stevenson's books always makes me want to buy a plane ticket to Scotland, lol.) There are ties here to Stevenson's earlier "Drumburly" trilogy ("Vittoria Cottage," "Music in the Hills" and "Winter and Rough Weather" -- also known as "Shoulder the Sky" -- all of which I've read & reviewed on this blog), and we get to catch up with some of our favourite characters from those books here. 

Detracting slightly from my enjoyment of the book was Bel's friend Louise, the privileged and (frankly) rather air-headed daughter of a doctor. I found her simplistic world view and pronouncements ("Daddy will fix everything"... "How naughty!" etc. etc.) rather annoying. 

On the other hand, Louise provided an interesting contrast to Bel, who has overwhelming (and well-founded) anxieties over her precarious life situation. As I read about Bel's lonely life in London,  I couldn't help but think about all the single childless women who struggle to make ends meet and maintain social connections as their friends marry and get busy with children (particularly during the pandemic lockdowns). The office politics she endures also sounded all too familiar!  

(Unsurprisingly), there is a traditional happy ending for Bel -- although (to the author's credit), I was unsure until the last several chapters as to just which male character she was going to wind up with. :) 

ALI note:  The loss of a baby (both baby & mother unseen, but discussed) is mentioned. Bel and Louise also discuss the lasting impact the loss of their parents/mothers has had on their lives. 

3.5 stars, rounded down to 3.  

This was Book #3 read to date in 2024 (and Book #3 finished in January), bringing me to 7% (!) of my 2024 Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 45 books. I am (for the moment, anyway...!) 1 book ahead of schedule. :)  You can find reviews of all my books read to date in 2024 tagged as "2024 books." 

New year odds & ends

• Well, I did it... I started the "chapter-a-day readalong" of "War & Peace" on Jan. 1st -- AND the Cromwell Trilogy readalong as well, which goes by the nickname "Wolf Crawl" (lol) and follows a weekly schedule.  It's still early days (still time to join in yourself...!), but so far, so good. 
• W&P has a HUGE cast of characters, some with the same names (!) -- but there is a wiki-style list to refresh your memory as to who's who, a great reader chat to follow, and the chapters are generally short in length -- and much more readable (and funnier!) than you might think. And it's all available for free! (Paid subscribers get bonus posts.) 
• "Wolf Hall" is much more dense, both in terms of subject matter and prose style -- but still absorbing, in a different way. In one of the early chapters, Thomas Cromwell's wife tells him why the king (Henry VIII)'s plan to divorce his wife (Catherine of Aragon) -- who, now in her 40s, has only produced a princess and not the male heir Henry craves -- matters:  

If he tries this … then half the people in the world will be against it… All women everywhere in England. All women who have a daughter but no sons. All women who have lost a child. All women who have lost any hope of having a child. All women who are forty.

(Author Hilary Mantel, of course, was childless due to severe endometriosis.)  

• My 63rd (!) birthday was last Friday. We marked the occasion with a trip to the nearby art gallery where I have a membership -- which is also what I did on my birthday last year!  I thought about having lunch at the cafe there, which has lovely ravine views, but it was already pretty busy -- plus the menu is limited and it's rather pricey. So I opted for takeout lunch from the nearby supermarket, with a pasta takeout dinner later from one of our favourite restaurants. After dinner, we had cupcakes from the supermarket for dessert (red velvet with cream cheese frosting). :)
• In between, I treated myself to a couple of new books at the mega-bookstore (aided by a gift card from my sister, plus my regular cardholder discount, plus a birthday discount!).   
• Younger Nephew & his wife both texted birthday greetings; Older Nephew, his wife and  Little Great-Nephew called, and LGN treated me to a boisterous rendition of "Happy Birthday to You" via speakerphone,  lol.  
• I spent most of Saturday on my laptop, watching the livestream of the Canadian National Figure Skating Championships from Calgary.  CBC, which had the broadcasting rights, chose to show hockey all day Saturday instead -- the new Professional Women's Hockey League games in the afternoon, and NHL in the evening (the NHL has ALWAYS ruled Saturday nights on CBC TV, since it began broadcasting in the early 1950s...!).  
• I don't begrudge the PWHL some airtime -- goodness knows it's been a LONG time coming...!  -- but I have been watching figure skating for more than 50 years (!), and the nationals (or at least, highlights from it) have NEVER NOT been shown on one network or another...! :(    And it would have been nice to be able to watch on something larger than my 15" laptop...!  
• The (not large to begin with) arena was only about half full.  :(  I can speculate on a number of reasons why: continuing fallout from the pandemic, the brutally cold weather out west, pricey tickets (at a time when people's finances are tight), the lack of star power among the current crop of skaters (compared to years past), the current ban on Russian competitors in international competitions -- well deserved, but admittedly makes things less exciting to watch -- plus we're right between Olympics right now, when interest is always at its lowest -- etc. etc.  But! -- you're never going to grow interest in the sport by making it more difficult for people to watch...!  :(  
• Monday/Last night, we had dinner at Younger Nephew's, along with BIL & SIL.  Between pre-Christmas busy-ness, being away over Christmas, and BIL & SIL coming down with covid, we hadn't seen Little Great-Niece (now 10 months old) in two months, and she was great entertainment.  :)  She was wearing an adorable outfit I'd given her for Christmas -- is now sporting a few tiny teeth, scoots across the floor on all fours, and pulls herself up on the furniture. She was fascinated by my watch, bracelets and cellphone camera (I let her take a few selfies), and exchanged raspberries with a delighted dh. (But of all her visitors, she clearly loved her Nonna/Grandma the best!)  Needless to say, we had a good time.  :)     
• Since they live nearby, and visitor parking at their townhouse complex is scarce, we decided to walk. It didn't take us very long -- only about 5 minutes, maybe a little more -- but it was about -12C/ -19C with the windchill (11F and -2F, respectively) -- and we were walking straight into the wind!  Dh -- normally a brisk walker anyway -- was walking even faster to make the trip shorter -- and holy cow, am I ever out of shape...! :p  Regular walking is definitely going back on the schedule, once better weather returns...!  
• I subscribe to a lot of Substack newsletters (which, to me, are just blogs in another format!). Ohio journalist Connie Schultz (incidentally, married to U.S. Senator Sherrod Brown) has become one of my favourites there. Her most recent post, "How a Tweet Became a Children's Book," will show you why. (Warning:  have kleenex handy.)  
• From the Oldster Substack, edited by Sari Botton, a gorgeous personal essay: "The Golden Seed."  Tagline:  "At 52, while teaching music in a preschool, Starina Catchatoorian is confronted by her grief over missing out on motherhood." 
• This piece, from "Hey Reprotech" by Alison Motluk, is an eye-opener, about the costs (monetary and non) of infertility treatment in Ontario, especially when you live outside an urban area: "What I learned from looking at one Ontario woman's $100,000+ expenditure on fertility treatment." 
• I know many of us struggle with the idea of legacy and what kind of a mark we're going to leave on the world, if we don't have children. There was an article about legacy in the Washington Post recently (gift link). Children are mentioned, but NOT having children is also mentioned! and some of the examples given are things we can do whether we have children or not.  
• Many of us also struggle with who's going to help us out as we age without children (and, often, without partners and/or extended family members nearby). Jody Day of Gateway Women flagged this article about a consultant based in St. Paul, Minnesota, who is working for systemic change in this area. 

#MicroblogMondays: Blue Monday

It's "Blue Monday," that day in January (the third Monday) deemed (by marketers, if not scientists, lol) the most depressing in the year. I've written about Blue Monday several times in the past -- in fact, I did a search for past posts and thought, "I've written about this enough, I should create a hashtag/label for it." Then I realized I already did! (lol -- check out my other Blue Monday posts there). 

I was reminded that it was Blue Monday when I spotted an article in The Toronto Star this weekend: "6 science-backed ways to brighten your Blue Monday" (No gift links available, sorry -- so I hope that works!) In summary (in case the link doesn't work for you), the advice is:  

• Enlist the power of awe: The feeling of being part of something much larger than you are has tangible physical benefits. (Even just reading a good book can do the trick.) 
• Get moving: The link between exercise and well-being is firmly established.
• Do something fun with people you like:  Social connection is important. 
• Use warm light to improve sleep. 
• Take a dose of (very) dark chocolate:  Cocoa can boost your mood. 
• Put down the pinot:  Cutting out booze can lift the spirits. (Dry January, anyone?)  

How are you feeling today?  

(It's pretty cold here -- albeit not quite as cold as it is in western Canada and the U.S. Midwest! It was -13C/-18C windchill this morning, which works out to 8F & 0F, respectively.  But the sun is shining, and I even see a bit of blue sky peeking through the clouds, which makes a HUGE difference for me!)  

You can find more of this week's #MicroblogMondays posts here.